their foresight and their sense for what was probable, nothingwas a surprise to them. Both had well-paid jobs. Matthew was a subeditor on a large London newspaper, and Susan worked in an advertising firm. He was not the stuff of which editors or.publicised journalists are made, but he was much more tfran "a subeditor," being ond ToRoomMneteen of the essential background people who in fact steady, inspire and make possible the people in the limelight. He was content with this position. Susan had a talent for commercial drawing. She was humorous about the advertisements she was responsi- ble for, buJ she did not feel strongly about them one way or the other. Both, before they married, had had pleasant flats, but they -r-r felt it unwise to base a marriage on either flat, becauseit might T about '; Itti. is a storY,I suilPose, seem like a submission of personality on the part of the one whose flat it was not. They moved into a new flat in South a failure in intelligence:the Rawlings'marriagewas groundedin ,i Kensington on the clear understanding that when their marriage intelliggnce . o .i ^,- 1 had settled down (a process they knew would not take long, Th&- were older when they t"tt-t9d than most of their :' and was in fact more a humorous concession to popular wis- married friends: in their well-slasoned late twenties' Both had I dom than what was due to themselves) they would buy a house -. had a number of afiairs, sweet ra*rer than bitter; and when ;j and start a family. tnuy f"U in love-for they did f"tr il love-had known each And this is what happened. They lived in their charming other for some time. They joked that they had saved each other i flat for two years, giving parties and going to them, being a ..for the real thing." That they had waited so long (but not -too i popular young married couple, and then Susan became preg- long) for this reil thing was to them | ryoof ?f lh"T sensible i nant, she gave up her job, and they bought a house in Rich- disJrimination. A good' -".ry of their friends had married 'I mond. It was typical of this couple that they had a son first, young, and now (tfrey felt) probabty regretted-lost opportuni' then a daughter, then twins, son and daughter. Everything ii"r, ihit" others, ttiil uttm*.ried, seemed to them arid, self- i right, appropriate, and what everyone would wish for, if they ; doubting, and likely to make desperate or rornantic marriages. could choose. But people did feel these two had chosen; this Noto-nlythey,butothers,felttheywerewell-matched:their; balanced and sensible family was no more than what was due happiness. They i -th" was an additional proof of their friends'delght to them becauseof their infallible sensefor choosing fight. had played t*-" roles, male and female, in this grouP or' ; changing i And so they lived with their four children in their gardened sbt, if iuch a wide, loosely connected, constantly had both r house in Richmond and were hapny. Th"y had everything they constellation of people could be called a set. They ' their had wanted and had planned for. become, by virtue of th"i, moderation, their humoui, and i '' . Andget... abstinence from painful experience, people to whom others Well, even this was expected, that there must be a certain came for advice. They could be, and were, relied on''It was ' flatness.. . one of those cases of a man and a woman linking themselves ' ' Yes, yes, of course, it was natural they sometimes felt : like whom no one else had ever thought of linking, probably because this. Like what? ; of their similarities. But then everyone exclaimed: of coursel , How rightl How was it we never thought of it before! , treir life seemed to be like a snake biting its tail. Matthew's job for the sake of Susan, children, house, and garden-which Andio they married amid general rejoicing, and because of t knew of the hidden resentments and deprivations of the woman be a wellspring to live from. that the whole extraordinary structure revolved.was not the one since her old firm.fed on a hundred books (psychological. with judgement. it was around this point. looking after of it had come into existence. for the sahe of the children so that the husband became a weekend husband. it. And the inner storms and guicksands Certainly neither Susan's nor Matthew. anthropological. world were bad. needed their full devotion. missing her qualities of hurnour.All-around them. could scarcely be unprepared for the dry.at this their energy and ability. that both parents knew and agreed on. linkedrtogether voluntarily from not. which she might very well have done. with they felt). well whose fault was that? and responsible people. . con- they had created irom a painfur and explosive world: they looked around them. each other. TO ROOM NINETEEN went on in the town flat which they called (in joke) a bachelor 2 caravanserai needed a well-paid job to maintain it. . has earned her own Matthew knew that well enough.invited her often to go back. and she told him about her a centre of life and a reason for being. the wellspring. stormy sea. of her independence. or rubbing along (even worse. and sense. but he could hardly be expected to be proud of the nevys. for both things that are delightful. of looking in secret disbelief . their will to be happy together and to be of use to others-one They had avoided the pitfa[ so many of their friends had sees them everywhere. becausesusan loved Matthew and Matthew loved susan. And Susan's practical iirtelligence for the sake of Matthew. unsurprised. his newspaper. and this thing. but scarcely a reason for living. and what he the sake of this is all the rest. Yes. These two.been blown into being orrt oi no. And they sensibly blamed neither themselves nor thing was in order. Matthew waF a full-time husband. wasn't a centre. Well. Foi ex. things were under control.was nearest it. . cars . Matthew took pride in doing it Nor did Susan make the mistake of taking a iob for the sake well. he workedfor. balance. They can be a thousand day (not as interesting. ligent marriage. in the big married bed in the big married bedroom week without her. house and the garden-. The storms of the Extraordinary. they lay beside But there was no point about which either could say: "For each oth'er talking and he told her about his day. It was in the nature were understood and charted. So everything was all right. turned towards each other with.-which unit would have collapsed in a and at night. It was an interesting job.even more courtesy a weekend father. this entityiall So here was this couple. So that was the central point. endowed with education. four children. but they can. Every- of things. that . . charwomen. flat? People like them- On-th9 contrary. testing their marriage. No. . . what happened to women of fifty at the height of moments of tlinking so. one knows them. but that was not her fault). so it was. the right age. mar_ trolled wistfulness which is the distinguishing mark of the intel- rjages_collapsing. that' two people. sociological). of course. friends. Or they shouldn't be. or breaking.Matthew's job? Ridiculous. They must not make the same mistakes." Children? But children can't be had done. Susan and who has lived her own life-and above all. So what did it matter if they felt dry. the children. Two people. paper. satisfying. den. and traordinary it certainly was. interesting. If this mother to a certain age. to support it all. living-and is now dependent on a husband for outside inter- ests and money. (which hia an attractive view of the river). they musr discrimination.s. but not too close-which is not to say they And if one felt that it simply was not strong enougtr] im_ were selfishly felt: Susan and Matthew were both well-informed portant enough. gar. with grownup children who no longer thing they had created: marriage.-they used their intelligence to preserve what selves. what was? Yes. Children needed their Their love for each other? Well. the newspaperhe read. Both Susan and Matthew had so did he. their and when these four healthy wisely brought up children were of love. and whom he had met. . a full-time father. and took lessons. big house. treating it like a small boat full of helpless people in a very where. the flat. Susan would work again. no matter how .. and the wife always carefur not to ask what and gentle love: this was life. . one even is that thing fallen into-of buying a house in the country oneself : sadnessbecauseso much is after all so little. because she knew. ind nothing wrong. they put the-ihing behind forward into a difierent lrlo*ing *frat tfrly were doing. Of corirseI'm not going t9 be lifetime' (And can be faithful . . and is important. fn ten years' S-o- is something wrong not important. if possible) and and confessed he had been to a party' iourse' ExcePt tha-t for. She was rharried to him. And therefore the gods could long shadow at sundown) lays not strike him with the real magic.garden at slept with her. it w"asn't im-Portant either when Matthew could be his.l. could be each other for would love were not important.. "i ilt". that the wildness and the Learrry *iift *iit way of thinking.W"U. and of course except that Matthew never was really struck. Why' no one at all' absurd . either."u"g" oia *orfa )'811 both bad-tempered' of them irritable.rg. that was how been for what we felt' we she knew he had been unf aithful.... be_ either the ten years'fidelity cause of the four children and the big house that needed so (is? ) the'ffrst.. unaccountably bad-temp". was MYra Jenkins? Perhaps that was the trouble? It was in the. and that nothing mattered. hadloked. should be at times tempted (oh. (But what did they feel ought to be some- matter. There *"* . would sdmetimes be pierced as by an arrow from it' you are the thing the sky with bitterness." id"" even relevant was ridiculous' They had moments of aridity. io think in such what a wordl) by the attractive girls at parties she could not ashamed to do it. and Mrs' Rawlings with his glances at her.o oi" f*t""" for a whole In that case why did Susan feel (thouglr luckily not for "itt"t all these words' stupid' longer than a few seconds at a time) as if life had become a there was the word faithfuli-stupid' the incident left both desert. Susan fotg"u" !l*. or she isn't' (No. becauseof his sullen air. that they were very h"ppy.g love splendidly aftei that Myra Jenkins' a Pretty €irl noon. ai he w-anted to them' and consciously' p"opl" did it. *or"' Who. carefully chosen. But he was married to her. Matthew Rawlings.nature of things '' . that the afiairs . nothing io be at f-ault. moved .il what we felt ihat afternoon was not " looked harassed rather than fulfilled? (In fact. and there must be') But if-she j:n. Except that bitterness was not in order.-ntesumably that 'afternoon whose and I first went to bed with each other They were married inextricably. giving thanks for past good fortune as TO ROOM NINETEEN they did so.o"i"thing he-had come home thatnight' well' what if her Matthew did have an occasional sweet after- Vfif. was it delight even now (like a very (wtty did I say sundown?) io". no one to 'blame.o t . and who is Myra Jenkins? no one to offer br to take it . Iu"" io""y so. and that sometimes he It was banal.g"t over us' susan's fault that after he came home from an adventure he important' r^r?thing . similar to hers at him: what is it that I share him to have come et cetera' The whole thing is absurd-for d'ith this person that shields all delight from me? But none of ) not to have told me home and told me was aisurd' For him it by anybody's fault. thought Susan. could not be everything a way' was banal.t:q' :1" was that the adventures and delights could no longer be hers.lJ^l*arv tr'" *La' understanding' ves'Bu-tit'1ou Richmond. then. when one night taken a girl home and would succumb (a word even more repulsive. . is was absurd.. and that her children were belonging .J.wandlike d. inderstand sometf. Party. these sensible There was only one thing to do. the odd affair? For she knew quite well. loved each other for over a decade' y. not really. phase of their marriage. But perhaps she was secretly wishing. you don't forgive don't understand' Nor had it was out of court.ing. For me to care or. they were manly man. attractive. that she. even knowing that she did. because if it hadn't four children' et cetera' wouldn't be Mr. blond. Rather it was they who knew defeat because of n" ionfrti"d-what After all' ybars ago they the handsome Matthew Rawlings' marriage body and soul to The whole tfring was not imPortant' faithful to you' no one Susan Rawlings. for that body's fault? ) Nobody's fault. Did the casual girls touch the marriage? itself : forgiveness is ioi what you sort of word is that? They did not. too. a goodlooking woman in the big well-tended. 3 to each other' In fact' For it was inevitable that the handsome.im. i&""gu. but they were not her own? unassimilable about it' Meanwhile her intelligence continued to assert that all was -annoyed. Matthew came home late attend because of the four children. not to care. except in her both had fett tftat lf. no' there much attention. Well. f"ilt"i. *"t E*""pr.".i. she was often excited by the world of school. She spoke to commended and consoled Susan. down: all the children would be "off her hands. (It was usually in the garden that she was in. There used by Matthew and by Susan and by their friends. intelligence forbids tears.bench and tried to calm herself looking at trees. These hours.{ be. Anyway. The laug! happenedwhich neither of them had foreseen. were still at restless.rglimpseofnthe river. at a brown off your hands. too. otherJsarms. accusations and tears. for the first time in this marriage. un. The older children. at school.ling. When they lay side by side or breast to breast in the big And now Susan was going to be alone in the big house. for the she sai on a moment when the youngest child went off to school." and the rest: Susan? She did not know. they' This is what happened. I married.shedid not wish to confront. was this essential to use the dramatic words "unfaithful. to ottier people. parkes was miking cake 'and did not need her. from did not know. six. unmarried. really because of these two small people. who had often enough. boy and blissful hours of freedom. as she said. but . Not fcir one moment in twelve years hi. knowing what they were and sister had trodden this path so successfully before them.the children. A high price has to be paid for'the h"Ppy marriage with the So the twins went off to their school. and you'll have time to yourself. so Susan saw itl I car in the garage. however. the I would be the preparation for her own slow emancipation away I from the role of hub-of-the-family into woman-with-her-own." That was the phrasri rstairs. but they knew it was in to clean. . this to Susan one night: and she agreed that it was true-she Iess the children or Matthew were with her. She returned. that something suppor?ing such an ediffce on their intelligent love. Susan and Matthew. since small children can be boring. farkes. where Mrs. On the first morning she was simply girl. and she did not regret the hard work. by emptiness.panic_:as if an enemy was in the garden with So said Matthew. except for the daily woman who came laughed. As if the essential Susan were in abeyance. since their older brother And they were paying it. i\en her children's. the intelligent husband. a4d she did not really feel it. and that Susan was more and rnore often threatened twenty years before. about her duties. dropped them. TO ROOM NINETEEN about fifty. Matthew said something like vaded by this feeling: she was coming to avoid the garden.I therself seve4ely. "Theyll:be. with tension. Often enough she tain herself until they came back. every civilised bedroom overlooking the wild sullied river. darling Susan. very tired. they day of the school term.worrying about the twins'haturally eiough" since tiris home. anger. Put like that it sounded ridiculous.lf . and wlnt up to her bedroom. came back. she And the next day Susan took them. though from what. Susan did not have nurses or girls to help her: childhood was their first day away at school. and into the garden. standing by her in spirit dul:. First. entered the house. willingly.p"rrt _All ing the years when her soul was not her own. so to speak. She was hardly able to con- is short. into the kitchen. comforted them. two bright afrectionate four healthy children in the large whitd gardened house. as if she were in cold storage. becauseit was as if something was waiting for her there that Soon the twins would go to school. intelligence forbade them. and from the moment i became pregnani for the t{rgt 1im9 I signed myself over. children who had no problems about it. but she regretted nothing. at nine-thirty.daily woman. . To ili What it amounted to was that Susan saw herself as she had' . taking the twins to the school by cdr. blossoming from the root of what she had been . Intelligence barred. ) There was no need did feel something like that. her. life.thus: this is quite natural. and they would be away . silences of withdrawal. she parked the from home from nine until four." "forgive. and then again somewherej . for no particular reason. In another decade. Sensibly. What. it saved them both. She was already planning for the hours of freedom when lShewas possessedby a fever which drove hei out again. quarrel. Iiting mA oun life. looking forward to the nexi day. often. The twins. was bored. then. were ten and eight. like a . sion about the whole thing before going ofi to sleep in each Above all. But she was fillef. looking forward. by joy. Which they did happily. doing. i . spoke to Mrs. It was now. they had a long discus- sulking.vei been been at twenty-eight. to seven They were now both fortyish.${elve years of my adult life working. would turn herself back into being a woman with a life of her' :r and found herself reluctant to enter her big and beautiful home own. (but by herself ) as at a lost freedom which would . S-rr"l_ darling?" "Well I don't know. And she did not like being in the garden at all. .. That's all. really. she found And she went indoors to help Mrs. yo'" The five weeks passed.liuely. She kept herself ful children whJ (and this is what checked her) stood hand in occupied every day. te[ing the older children she had a headache.and Susan was in control of herself. parkes was alwavs his body.and good and kind. feeling siak. Parkes cook and clean. she resented the fact she would never be alone. demanding: she was never. if the children are not there. Mrs. . when she had wept and Matthew had driven the misery she say to her dear friend and husband. i It was a long time later that Susan understood that that Susan did not tell Matthew of these thoughts. . First: secret astonishment and their calm riother. leaving Susan holding on to the windowsill of children were around her needing her continual attention. For instance. She went to lie ond: that now she knew the house would be full of them. what of it?" dom. the boy Harry telling the little ones: "It's all right. They were not sensible. and went off ful to keep herself occupied) than ever she had been when the hand in hand. married life. their going to not to be free of smarl duties during the last weeks? she looked school. If she was in a room. She wept. holidays began and susan welcomed trrem. intelligent. . what shoula night. and down.emptiness. and she looked forward to the holidays with . She did not know what to dxpect. She saw herself making cakes foi houri." She heard that It's all right with pain.6b . . You shouted at them? What of it? If you shouted at them fifty at a time in the big family kitchen: yet usually she bought times a day it wouldn't be more than the little devils deserve. So now I have to learn to be myself to the dentist.':For she was crouchedweeping in the bedroom. she wondered what was somewhere in the house.less dangerous foruo-. cooking a headache. And for what? They had dfTl-y_ that-during those weeks when the house was empry come to her with some game' some bit of nonsense' They' of children she had in fact been more occupied (had been care_ looked at each other.". He comforted her: "Susan. Calm. out of her with his big solid body. that they had been-to use their mutual language I feel is -with each-other.which she might just on the bed. and why she should mind so much that she might. that was true. 5 or it would soon be timd for lunch or tea. . alone. She became calm. Mother's got s_hewasalready looking back at those hours of sewing. sewing shirts or dresses. had time to myself. """-y. Matthewf . And the two months of term which would twins.rot be he* That night she said to her husband: "Today I shouted at the for five lcftrg weeks. a miiture of fear and longing.'ever in their into the garden. or waiting for her to do something for-them." She sounded miserable. becauseshe had not if there-is enemy the_rewaiting to invade me. because of the closeness there of the Jnemv-. sec- the livingroom. Somethingto do: five weeksof it.. frut But she wouldn't taugh. energetic. that is. And even that was a lie. restlessness.told him of h6r real fears at all. what is all this about? as weU have bought. sitting in a big chair by the window "But Susie. have behaved unjustly with the children' What irritation. and he said succeed the five weeks stretched alluringly open to her-:-free- gently: "WeII.i clearly this conversation should not take place. not for . . Four child^r"rr. Susan Rawlings. But what freedom-when in fact srre rraa been so careful t "It's more of an adjustment than I thougbt.Susiedarling. Soon he comforted her with she had not felt alone. two shrinking beauti- and found some sewing to do for the children. they would. .Wnen llgo. On the fourth day of these so welcome holidays. She heard for five weeks.. or to take one of them alone. moved closer for support. At the end of the first term she understood hand looking at her with sheer dismayed disbelief' This was she felt two contrary emotions.perhap. quiie unfairly. thank goodness' again. did it matter? They had forgotten it all long ago: Mother had reason.What _1n . wrong with her. just once.-f9. a headache and everything was all right. breathing deep. she was storming with anger at the twins. was the last time.Shetook the twins off to school (the elder children took them- L moment of her day. What she saw was a woman alone. Th6 .." cakes. she did not recognise herself in [hem." at herself.whatever it was-which keep- ing her hands occupied made . shouting at them. TO ROOM NINETEEN in the next room. should see a doctor?" . she needed a place. feeling guilty. ) She was a prisoner. put the car into the garage. she was Possessedby restlessness. She listened to Mrs. ihis was what was wrong with her: she needed. She would hear herself say. smiling when she was alone. I don't under- would not come after her with a cup of tea.the pressure of time. but So she left the house and went to sit in the garden where it was like living out a prison sentence. where no one would ex- table to oven. a hand pressing on her briin. I'm simply not myself.go uP to her bedroom. she sat on a white stone near the flowing demon to appeax and claim her. the surface of her skin. ever. restlessness. to be really alone. . She was possessedwith resentment that the seven hours of freedom face the enemy wherever he was. as before. since theg were off mg hands (What on eartlr to an end of arranging herself. it skipped off to trolled decency that nearly drove her qazy. fro. in the house. or the garden in every day (during weekdays in the school term) were not or-where? free. not like that. Yes. because she had not. or a state of affairs. with no one near' She ' and responsible. come went to schbol. Rawlings. don't put that there. trying to let go into some kind of calm. day after day' . She realised that she sat listening for the movements of herself in the bathroom." saucepan. were in her own hand. Parkes would call up the stairs: "Mrs. . from up into the spare room. and kept silent. she would and thought it was absurd. minutes I must telephone Matthew about .Mrs. that never. . or if she did it at all' Yet river. and she thought: It is not even a yeat since the twins She was keeping him off. She heard the children calling "Mother. about herself. need for it? I can do that. Madam. and it was no goo{'telling in t er lap. Parkes did. hands (She looked at this thought too. and at half past (" NINETEEN TO ROOM three I must leave early'for the children because the car needs selves to school) and she returned to the house determined to cleaning. But she did not' Or perhaps she could The school holidays came round. As soon as she forced her mind to think about susan (for for nearly two months. bend. following her every turn. and looked at the slow-moving brown gri" damn what Mrs. Then she returned to the famrly. Mother. . feeling as if the pressur€ of these people-four could not endure the knowledge that in ten minutes or in half lively children and her husband-were a painful pressure on an hour Mrs.Emptiness. She ought to be thinking about strongly she could not shake them off. and it was as if the duster. Yet she felt it. taking it into her being. minute.. thought' ing deep. For she knew that this struc- care who she telephonedor how often). was she free from she was again restless. she looked out into the garden herself it was a ridiculous one. She cooked and sewed and worked . Or she went to the very end of ing. on which the mortgage still cost four something. whar"s the She could never forget herselfl never really let herself go into while Mrs. her liie. or iust a nice talk about' ture-big white house. She waited for the went back to school.and yet ' She was planning how to be somewhere where Mrs' Parkes I'm a different person. ' Yet she did not the garden. (She looked at this emotion And it was so irrational that she cheched herself. the pect her to be. not for one second. and this time they were not. and sit.) She must tell . by herself. Or she went she followed her in her mind from kitchen to bathroom. yet that nevertheless she was feeling so enemy. from having to remember this or that.. She would lock thoughts of butter or school clothes. allowed to telephone (always irritating. and saw the lranches shake the trees. after all. the cleaning cloth. Rawlings. It was poisoning her. usually empty." not once break down into irritation during these holidays. but he did not' river. parkEs. She sat defeating the that she despised. she looked atthe river and closed her eyes and breathed " Jhe could not prevent herself from being conscious of her.Matthew-but what? She was filled with emotions that were utterly ridiculous. and she behaved with a conscious con- what else'did she want to be alone for?). or a demand to be stand it. it's what you pay me for"' Resentment. wife and mother. She did there's no silver polish. And at ten o'clock tomorrow I must remember. and-when the children she was screened from the house by trees. breath- the cleaning woman. every slow and deep. forcing-herielf to be quiet. . and sit on the edge of the bath. we're out of flour. . or it thought of Mrs. parkes moving around the house. into her veins. Parkes remonstrated: forgetfulness. wheri it would not be necessary to keeP reminding herself : In ten . Yes. since Susan did not ' Yet she had to underqtand it. . did I think I meant when I used that stupid phrase?). or the children. her state (whatever it pas) was irrelevant. When she Sire tried to tell him. ^..Fo1she . what sort of freedom can you possibly '. She had to accept the marvellous- And hE said: "surely not. NINETEEN TO ROOM hundred ^ ye^t. or an hour' "*t thew and the children about not taking Mother for granted. what she had been dieading. wrong with me. I say it? And what is it I have to saY? 'being :. Seeing hei face. and she could go there when she if I'm not going to be back home at six I telephone you'-When 'i. about never free' And he listened' ir:beardHarry and Matthew explaining it to the twins with Mrs.withoutsuch a fuss being made? Without it being so solemnly was could not ima^gineherself going ofi without him' Yet that ldiscussed? Why couldn't she simply have announced: "I'm oP:led his what he meant. there was a new regime next holidays. One day she had gone up there after a lunch ' i' in the next six hours?" ftot t"n children she had cooked and servedbecauseMrs.Butthechildrenareatschoolandoffyourhands. appalled. after a discus- Hesaid:. Some people had to live with crippled arms. $us:rn overheard the first.her bedroom... bLr"-eyed face. and Mrs. "But not without you.. nothing I have to do in half an hour.'' sion between the parents in which it was decided this was She said to herself : I've got to force myself to say: Yes'. dependedjttt-.she used it seldom: she felt even more caged there than can I eypr say to myself : I haye nothingto be responsible for' fn. well. nothing to do something . and thought: -Why is it I a state of mind she could not own." it. a husband.her blood.but psychologically the right thing...rllButnow therd was a room. the children. being deaf. She would have to live knowing she was subject to can't tell himt Ug""t. And that word . was remorseful' Becauseit was true' The not tlere. and when I'm in but why can't iit I'm not to be disturbed for anything short of fire"? Just that. sat. thi cleaningwoTal-all why' or even what it was or surely they wouldn't be together lyrng in each other's arms l. twohours. there was something really wroirg with her and this proved it."Ji.'' with her real good life with her family. the hSndsome blond man.ttdl Shesaw the children streamout from the kitchen and ij$arden.for a while looking into the foig. . Neither had he.. and the qa1de1 this dependedon never felt marriage. content after twelve years of marriage. half past ten. all doing so nicely. she was an irrational person and to live with voute as lovelY as ever. thinking: Yes.. (This sign had band. and she went int6 them. as elose to her as her own breath' . Surely she could He said: "Perhapsyou need a holiday'" have a room somewhere in that big house and retire intg it She said..knewthis was'Mother's Room" and that she was entitled to her t"y to myself : There's nothing I have to remind myself privacy. the older But she said: "I don't feel well"' boy.ena nnistred. Parkes I do you realize that I never flel free? There's ncver a mombnt . Parkes E^.- home at a certain time-I don't mean it. sne said: "I t"el to be alone more than I am"' ' Nevertheless. as bondage. and had sat alone.Ithinktheremustbe No. 7 where she .. don't I? Then I've got to come lin.1t. and was surprised at her irritation over it. 6n his volunlary bondage as it did on hers' But why did he not' ftil $.ii!<ed. yes. Incredulity' Disbelief' Ald The spare room at the top of the house now had a cardboard {ear' her hus- An incredulous blue stare fiom a stranger who was sign saying: pRrvArEl Do Nor orsrunsl on it.hearing this.-il. feel bound? Why didn't he chafe and become restless?No. instead of long earnest discussions. as a result of this conversation with her hus- Vfr."bondage"-why had she used it? She had iour children. Parkes.y not? ana she saw At which he swurrg his slow blue gaze at her' and band. intel- i""r. surely?" .. wirh his clear. an-d lgoi"g to fit out the little top room for myself. tIt" house. so good and kind and insightful. you know I don't-but ..@kes coming in-"lgs. t* she could not underitand she contributed to it. a family pometimes gets on top want-short of being deadl Am I ever free? I go to the office' |pf a woman"-she had to go right away to the bottom of the and I have to be there at ten-all right. Sometimesl.. igarden until the devils of exasperation had finished their dance And I have to do this or that. and said: "But Susan. Susan? You look .beendrawn in coloured chalks by the children. Many serious conversations tqok place between Mat- or about. he laughed. arms. Susan. or stammers. fact that.4s good marriag".) The family and Mrs. after all. ShesaidtoMatthewintheirbedroom:. or . between father and Harry. and the children and Mrs. meagre in build.hi long crooked stick.manageresssaid. searcheduntil she found a small quiet hotel.. . They did not let rooms by the day. Or. That was he_a glngery. shemust. and grinning. Sometimes she could take the train in to Rich- did from the self she liked. explained to Mrs. not cTlg if she was irrational. then. . if they had fallen over a ravine. keep it away from me. "We forgot. which had pickedoff th" g. "Parkes she was meeting an old school friend. flingtng Mothet's Room. and how could she explain to Matthew that she Dy . to look at. he doing in our garden? Then she recognised the man around And they went ti_ptoeingdownstairs like criminal conspirators. and resigned herself_she made jokes Once. She was taken up by the manageress and a . you. i i one day she saw him. of an absent-minded or freakish impulse of spite. she respected. with rage. so sudden was the . she could go and sit.. when she drew closer. That is. from froniand b^ack.not the kind of woman who needed a room for unrespectable :y"r. we forgot all about itl. and she could see why she had taken it for a snake. .. lashing and twisting.. Susan made a long explanation about not beiirg well.tle was looking_at-her. she found herself outside a news agent own expense with Matthew over the room. .seempdin order. They had remembered she was there. for she tfrt. she that had Rooms to Let advertised. and he wants to becauseitrvas a lesson it was a pity tolrop. unpibasant "rr"rgeti6i to"th.day. In his hand was. uritrg. A few minutbs later. anywhere. lboking doubtful. and everything a reddiJ. thinking: Who is the stranger? What is great gale of "Hush! Shhhhhh! euiet.. At _he. . or it. when she raised h# saw this-person.: was taking it for granted she wasn't going to tell him about She im-aginedhim.:j Victoria. complexion-.being unable to shop without frequent rests for lying down. and promised it would never roughness. i." She meant th" duiil.. a mid_' dleaged man pretending to -a be youig.Dear -andpraying: God. as youngish man. price for it. Yet how could she? A room would cost three or four pounds a week. She made herself walk over to the bench. Mummy. moving jerkily over its The twins put their arms around her.'oui.. . keef I neededsuch a sum? What for? It did not'occur to her that she him away from me. He absent___'aeaty. But at the same time. and she earned 3g ner* Dedyas jrighTned. the chase of children in galecame pounding up the stairs. and asked touch.u. Quite soon susan was. The snake was twisting about."ng_ 'reasons. He was thinnish. by herself.. She decided to rent a room. mond and sit alone in it for an hour or two. something inside her howled wittr impatience. and smiled. oii .. or perhaps the room. had dry lines about mouth . and had gone silent in a Susan looked at him. near Victoria.. Then she took get into me and to tahe rne o'aer. When she came down to make tea for them. She sighed.Lak- ing a human cage of loving limbs. had become a valuable lesson in respect for other after all-there is a danger becauseI've seen him. One day.going up to ihe room only in the garden and sometimes even in the house. watching the river ebb past.a mari young-tooting. or being.ll diJturb her. TO ROOM NINETEEN to stir around in the coils of a blindworm or a grass snake (or stand looking up at the window where she sat behind the cur- rhey were all-her children and their friends-discussing some kind of snakelike creature: it was whitish and unhealthy F 11n_s. having a room.was ilast she was allowed to rent the room provided she paid a full broken off the tree above him. . As she did so.and ginger hair. she did the shopping early. it was out of the question. so I've seen him with my own eyes. whom her terrors had crystallised. He is lurking people'srights. sewing up there. . sitting on the wfrite stone:i .JRoom. A shadow from a branch lay across thin emerald grass.il"rr"". and he wore a reddish hairy jacket. as some sort "o*of a"-on. occur again. palkes came in and She dreamed of having a room or a place. She went back to the house thinking: What it amounted to was that Mother.". dnd none and: eyes. of it. where out: it had becomeanother family room. She was standing at the fotto*ii ifor a room for thp. took the train to man. the ^ Y"ll. which. Dencn. And he had " of the children had measles or other ailments.J Well. he vanished. no one knowing where she was.immaturity? At any rate.rgtt ._One day she found herself k"neeting no money.ticri' ipight's . yet she knew from. when a school term was well established. since Susan so obviously was of the garden. so I'm not crazy for privacy.. they all apotogisea.she Jaw the yorrrrg_tootii"jf". and her need Right. T -h:t telling no one. unpleasant). but ended as abruptly as its coils from side to side in a kind of dance of protest against :9Te the teasing prodding stick. apart from being bound to think it meant well-off husband. Miss Townsend. she describedher anaemia. She sulted in her becoming a friend of the lonely Miss Townsend. . . -it was when I was a grrl. let me rpetite. . Yes. really.t'i $. f can see from " instinct when her mistress withdrew in spirit from her responsi- the gleam of hysteria in your eyes that qomes from loneliness. it's lucky the stay here in your hotel where the devils can't get me. the manageress. then they seemedto vanish. the cherry jam from ii$witzerland is not a patch on the jam from Poland. Rawlings must be pretty bad if. A mi. she over Susan'slong silence and possible illness. agreedto try: Miss Townsend's remedy for it. What job? uthere I am. I don't want . That sort of talk Mrs. Mrs. she needed a shelter at Vic. my four children and my husband are qctly what she was pr-eparedto give to the house. But how? She thought of saying to her old employer: I want Miss Townsend was a lonely woman of fifty. and was just what den of the big house on her. . Parkes'scomplaint was toria. Susan found herself in the middle of a fantastic sit by myself three or four times a week in a rented room. . Harry's got a wonderful ap- besiegedby sevendevils. She put a shilling in the gas fire. leaving time for herself. and sat. her world you've ever longed for. Rawlings. I'm here in your hotel because I need to be. short blissful hour of being alone. Miss Townsend. do you understand that? Yes. Well. eyes Susan loolied back at her day of "freedom" which had re- shut.: irthat'sa saving in these hard times. . working widow. thinking thesethoughts. The truth is that . steadof saying all this." In'. the bread's not what solutely alone in the world. Yes. so that she any of it. She was alone. Parkes was one of the servers of this world. . TO ROOM NINETEEN teeth were paining her. but she controlled but only just contained that I've got everything in the :neededsomeone to serve. mentally. And story about her illness. which what was she to make for the children's tea. above all alone artd utith no one hnouing through fast and efficiently. leaving the bur- The room was ordinary and anonymous. She had to have Mrs. no matter what it cost. Miss Townsend. Susan needed. . . where bringing her a cup of tea with her own hands. could have that sqlitude more often. I't4. so that she knock on the door: it was Miss Townsend. . Parkes better if she stayed at home and let a friend do shopping for helir ' '. she might even have slept a little. the look Addressing envelopes? Canvassing? that would inevitably come on Miss Townsend's elderly maiden's . and in Mrs.. was alone. every day. Rawlings was away from nine in the mornin. Iiving at Richmond (she had signed her hadnt said. name and address in the register). who knew by driving me insane. and four children. Mhy she left. tell lies on her behalf. and saw. ." And so on. :bilities. She was deter. Miss Townsend.he knew Matthew. I wonder where he puts it all. . which was raw liver. at the top of the house or in the garden. perhaps it would be o*timesthe price . in a dingy armchair with her back to a dingy window. and she sensedin time work for you. and she hadn't known what to sa]. and which lie? She could not say: I want to stayed to talk. Miss Townsend. no. they can wear each other's shoes. 'could come and get support from her: "Yes. She said it mentally. Yet she remembered the sures lifting off her.i Fpust have. running this you to back me up in a story with Matthew that I am doing part- hotel with all the rectitude expected of her. Yes. minced. Miss Townsend. defeated. who knew ex- face. both concerned over the state of her health . Mrs. so concerned was no one knew her or cared about her. ' Supposeshe really took a part-time job. But she would have Susan tlft possibility of understanding companionship.:dur"tt Rawlings. She to tell him a lie too. Mrs. At home Mrs. She was alone. . Parkes. really alone. The teacher had teleph<inedfrom school to say Joari's: flpiowlingthrough the great thicketed garden like a wild cat:. and three between whole-meal bread. You can have it. An absolute solitude. like you. I wish I was ab-. when Mrs. . . or she would leave. Parkes said she didn't really like it. and 7 maid. of course. All this was qonsense. . . And there was Mrs. First the sounds of traffic came very loud.tnadam. . She could feel pres. that Susan had withdrawn herself spiritually.she tr h S 8. Suppose she said instead: a lover. which got more and more impossible as besides.ned to arrange her life. Parkes's remonstrances. and said yes. which she could get alone for a few hours. "Miss Townsend. not. not knowing herself She paid her bill and left the hotel. found that she was until five. and she could not really ask him to she tried to make it tally with the large house at Richmond. :-twins are so much of a size. They when you were stuck with them day and night. .not at all the old efficient Susan sidg. Shewas breaking her part of the bargain and there u'as no way her in the bioadest valleys. hating Mrs. The next time she must A sensible face." he said. . Water. looking out of such a tirrre." she said. and responsible at a hillside brilliant with ferns and bracken. He had. He' r said nothing. respectability of Miss Townsend's hotel bedroom. She would stand gazing for this." remotest place she knew of. with the. through the rooms running water. along the brown running river. lo into the garden. she knew. peering at herself so as to be oblivious of the short uneasy tions or advice. . after all. the children are in they had talked in each other's arms in the marriage bed. Surely the tiine for you to have help was become someoneoutside himself that he had to manage. up human eyes at her from where he leaned negligently on a rock. Well. exceptingsheep.so as not to look at her.ely. should live in on a mountain top from which she could see a hundred other 'this house. pleasant face with clear dark brows and clear grey eyes. strangel Much more to the point if what looked back at me \ryas Everywhere on the mountains. mirror. . Parkes remain content in their service. from breakfast time to dusk. "Do you think we can't happened three times. Yes. who knew exactly what they could afford. Why wasn't Matthew agreeing? After all. understand if you are tired of cooking for six peoplg. Rawlings' blessing. Parkes switahing at his ugly yellow boots with a leafy twig. hating poor They were in their bedroom. When. shirted and slippered. so that the people in it could grow like plants in mountains and valleys.and Mrs. did so every day at lunchtime. Meanwhile she ex4mined a round. Parkes asked that she should ring back at such-and. Rawlings was out on the mountain. trees. She went on brushing her black hair and Matthew. 'It's not that. She chose the like having an ordinary char in during the day. Parkes-or rather. It was a wonder Mrs. only to be rejected becauseevery one was reasonabl. She brushed thic( healthy black hair and 'thought: telephone. down again. .She had school most of the day. Every evening . on the contrary. provided she was there. This was not as things had been once-how mind. back.towards the children. Every morning the children tele. "no. for she would not be happy in what she was doing the window dt dark without Mrs.'T. diagnosedher finally as unreasonable. Matthew agreed with her. Parkes. so that they seemedtoo low. She sat brushing her hair and watching him in the quite well she was mad.{o. and she knew looking out.. spoke to each child in turn. Mrs. the children Miss Townsend. she was mad. Finally he said carefully: "Are you thinking of going back to phoned her before they went off to school. her soul. But. ifs not -she went off on a walking holiday in Wales." She made herself sound she telephoned them. 'the gingery green-eyeddemon with his dry meagre smile. dreaming of hei hour of solitude in th'e dingy slept. she could stand on her head if she ness at the back of her mind like a promise of freedom. he would be a good loving husband. . The Y6t that's the reflection of a madwoman. asked for her permission know that an cru pair $rl means all kinds of problems. .or a shepherd. ' "It seemsstrange to get one now. what else could he do? came face to face with her own craziness. Rawlings She returned to her home and family. nothing like this had been true of . and see nothing but her devil. which might attack .e. down the stairs. jewelled with . Parkes to cook for you? She's even offered to-I can strangers. and then to vague. did not think it strange. muttered through her house. In return with the sky pressing down too close. to encourage and work?" support her. holding her to her duty like a leash. who lifted in.she. But you Having told Mrs. Susan prowled over wild country with the telephone wire candid. TO ROOM NINETEEN was walking up the stairs. in a chair by the window. as glances her Matthew kept Fving her. too small. Mrs. Parkes. How verf mountains themselves seemed trammelled by her unfreedom. or . . not really.of forcing her to keep it: that her spirit. He sat. while she heard the'arguments coming into his She said to Matthew that she must have a holiday. where she met no one at all. afford it?" she went on vagu. nailed her to her cross. Mrs. wanted. through the house. so that they seemed too-small. . just as they had over Mother's Room. rather stupid. A time-hallowed scene in the connubial bedroom. given permission to telephonefor instruc. or wait to be telephoned. Susan Rawlings prowled and She told her husband she wanted to have an au pab $tl.Welsh empti- could do what she liked. Mrs. it was late at night. . Why don't you were liying side by side in this house like two tolerably friendly ask Mrs. " she said. have around the house.into Susan' But needed cleaning.. got off at Paddington. then shuffied up two half-crowns. and Matthew finding her "nice to that followed the brush. not so?" tl either of them for a long time. He did his duty. a girl of twenty." And Sophie laughed her deep her over the still-extendedpalm. and a father from the household. Looking at her still. are you really sure we The au pair $rl. Parkes were tdking his hands behind his hpad. like un- she could not. But she set it to be indifferent. she undertook to do some light cooking. not in a French or a German girl and they'll learn the language. bare boards beneath. being fattish. day-well. laughing. sometimes the children run home from school. and ing note from her palm between thumb and forefinger. Provided of course that she paid in Next morning she set about getting a girl. Indeed. with a bold. lifting them palms up. withdrawn both as a husband with the cunning of a madwoman evading the real point. Jones (she chose the farcical much this woman who lay here. She was peering in everyone. she did not even'pretend to do hers. vaguely: "Well. . and melt into herself. because of her own commonsense. And smell of floor polish rising about them. He had small sharp eyes in a white creased face. a bit dry. she al. and run-down. and wearing a tasteless In the dark she lay beside him. on the whole. with her new inward shudder) because running the brush over her hair agaih and again. Parkes forgetting almost and smiling as if she vvere amused at the clinging hissing hair at once that she was German. really. or (as need a girl?" But she would not meet his appeal at all. around looking at the smaller hotels until she was satlsfied with She had only to run across and fling herself into them." said Susan. showed her fine white teeth and her . with his real life in his work and the people he thinking in secret fear how easy it was. In the mirror she could see her Matthew lying on his back. the children?" It was an appeal that almost ton. She was an it. ." any way. She disliked very and was quite prepared to let Mrs. lifting fine she had been chosen so well by Susan. still fixing him healthy. warm chest. for the morning or for the lower broodingly at them. Mrs. the children liking her. and said: want some person to play mistress of the house sometimes. empty. perfunctoril]. (no price had been set by him) and held it out. changed to the Circle. She was Susan said to herself. '^Yes. his face sad and and laughing in the kitchen. but she could not change her. They were standing in the passage. and Fred appeared. onto one which had Fnsn's Horrr. She would not see his lifted arms. c:une. Rawlings asked. she must look for. '^fou TO ROOM NINETEEN dimples. fingered to be with the children when Mrs. painted on windowpanes that his hard. and stant understanding of their position proved this to be true. I think it would be a good idea. . All this was her fault. from the surface of life. with these bits of money displayed thereon. staring upwards. I should be here. One day Susan saw how Sophie and Mrs. She took thb District Line to South Kensing- He said: "Susan. She fDlt her heart ( the old heart of Susan Rawlings ) soften be away until tea time. And he had become like tlat is just so. The facade was a faded shiny yellow. turned to force her attention: "Susan. blotting out the trees. He opened his arms. and a strong they ring up. Healthy Frliulein Traub's in- At last he drew heavy curtains. She felt as if Susan had been spirited away. In return f61 a lesrn-"Mother's Room" she could use at will. cold and indifferent beside a name deliberately. despite herself. was a success with black clouds in a small hiss of electricity. a stranger. feeling frozen. intending to learn English. he took up a ten-shill- -and her food. and very likely a serious affair. blue-eyed.staring him out) have a room three days a suffering man.unblinking challenge she had not known until then ready spoke a good deal. or a red-shadedlight above. or a teacher rings up. He was not at all attractive. and very soon came advance each time she came? Susan produced fifteen shillings Sophie Tbaub from Hamburg. week from ten until six. He shot his gaze up at there's the daily $'oman. and let his gaze Susan said: "I go off sometimes. striped suit. surely itll be even better for them? We'll get she did. A door at the end of a passagesaid shemust knock. the end she was than she thought. She said healthy skin. and she announced that she would hard. and walked reached her. She knew exactly where to go and what and call out to him." For he was now taking things as they "Yes. other husbands. how much nearer to met there. and smiled as if to say: What fruity FriiuLeids laugh. held out his own palm intelligent girl and understood perfectly what was needed. Yet there have was appropriate. She stopped. She was Mrs. For Fred. she thanked him." said Susan. Then she saw a sober-suited. It was undisturbed. but with a philosophical sense of what roles of responsibility-and I'm just the same. a chest of drawers." said Susan.-not no past and no future. followed by a comment was calling her as ordered. gave him trventy shillings. how very strange that isl And she leaned on the silL. or a stain on the green the room-bed. she was alone and no one knew where she was. and there waited a moment: ttre light trom. From the They proceededin utter silence up the stairs of this house where chair. And then she went back to the chair. if only she would let him. with the twenty shillings in his street door being in her eyes. said slie would be re. nothing at all. Parkes and of Sophie Traub. saying to'show it: but it was Fred himself. was another five shillings. here I would still she knew. she thought. and at the sky. . She sat in the armchair and shut her eyes.ve o'clock. She added firmness. or Herbert or Charlie) was looking at hel. . with thin She was no longer Susan Rawlings. herself be alone. The room was hideous. followed him up the t/ do you take me for? 'I shan't. But she . meaningless. She anived promptly at ten. she simply sat. feeling turning the day after tomorrow. Having taken her money and.: is there for it?-brooded. and left. passed. (But and if I never saw any of my family again. Yis. All these things she did cheerfully. occasion. to cook a of her blood. wandered. so fiis look said. disapproving of her being here at all. coTJng here. white-faced. One morning she found Fred taking her a flight higher a friend. which could afford the ing her arms. She looked at the down- It was twelve in the morning. simply went dark. treasuring her anonymity. He flicked his sharp little eyes over about the floral pattern on the thin rug. when it had rested her."'Good. But he was content to her to the stairs. mother of four. "Well.e and i these and those relations with friends.trades- shilling m€ter by it. . refusing to go up. a fireplace with a gas fir. employer of Mrs. went into the room. first. she wool-gathered-what word been in the room at all. Matthew Rawlings. It had a single window. He now went past his disapproval. Sometimes she talked aloud. an emotion he would not own to. school-teachers.) "would you hive me called at and looked into the-street.shown her up been times I thought that nothing existed of me except the roles and agreed to everything. or sometimes blue. She no longer was mistress. She did not belong here at all. willingly-. And to wel. When a knock carne on the door she was annoyed. for years of being married and having children and playing those professional reasons. She might never have . here I am. Jones. he was clearly disapproving of her foi that went with being Mrs. and prepared empty. second supper for her husband and herself later.the go off on her dismissing nod. and a green wicker arm_ men. a three-guarter bed that had a cheap Matthew. how very much she did belong: the room had be . stretch- no questions lvere asked-Fred's Hotel." said Susan.than usual. man trotting up the stairs like a waiter. TO ROOM NINISTEEN Three times a week. or at least acguaintanceship. with green satin bedspread on it. She was back home emptiness run deliciously through her veins like the movement in time to cook supper. She was free. she went to the window. she closed her eyes and sat and let buildings or sky before. quite ready to let friendship. already. She sat in the trodden buildings over tlie sheet. she waJlongrng for usud room. . freedom for its visitors that poor Miss Townsend's hotel could not. white-balding little hand. For the most part. and she had .be using this room stairs. and not George. This room had become more her own than the house she come Sophie back from the pictures where she had gone with lived in. to put the children to bed. knowing that Fred (if this was Fred. it was five otlocli arra ne nothing-an exclamation. follow and I a_skno questions. loving the men and women who fi. of the big white house and cnarf. and she went after him.you pay. smiling. you'll have to wait half an hour. after all these so much with curiosity. and shut the door on him with gentle for the purposes of making money. and demanded her was thinking all the time of the hotel room. it with her whole being. wet and dittgy. she lost sight of him momentarily. satin coverlet. Here I am. please?" and he nodded and went downstairs. owning clothes suitable for this and that activity or "Thank you. at which he nodded and said: . wife of green brocade curtains." He still waited. and she felt she had never seen -armclrair. been waiting for her to join it.becauseshe did not know them. Number rg. garden.looked Fred in the eyes. and she was alone. What did she do in the room? Why. her mind a blank. to look out. simply to be there. He said: "That surely isn't the point. Mother. is that it?" Sophie.goi on" pleasantly. walting for the easing hours of solitude to begin. 3t. hiss." she said. If . that was it. though the windows were set wide open. pain. they hurried out into the street. suppressing and asked friends in." felt an imposter. Susan only with the greatest difficulty stopped herself pounds. Matthew?" or to . meaningless tinkling laughter. daytimes in the school week. Now. she answered them sensibly." she said. as lost to him as if she had vanished to another tination of every shilling they must spend. so used to. She felt as if her shell moved here. She was brushing her hair at the mirro. But she. She asked for just . and that was why she spent her days for this close couple. deat. because this was in- and Mrs. For the five t3 smelling hall. He sounded indifferent about it. she was altogether the mistress came down the stairs. be- ing he1. he was begging her to say so. she thought: paging her off-yes. I have to ask you this question. TO NOOM NINETEEN then. Matthew asked:. she knbw that. Parkes was happy in her work under (foi the m6st evitable. Susan. man and woman. and restless aragrymovements were not what she remembered Soon she made a new arrangement with Fred and with of him. Matthew and she . Mrs.h" *". turning away from hiss. one thing: she had a lover. clean. five At this. being a person who wis bound to have a lot of friends. It was for five days a week. She should be answering him. As ior Sqphie Sherealised she was absorbedin watching the black hair making lefor. At night she lay beside going to go on like this?" her husband. across the room. Rawlings. I didn't. apparently just as they "Well. Behind her head. in paddington. on Sundaynights. his elbows angled up and part-concealing his face. and yet it was terrifying it could ie so. hoped she did have a lover.arr. She made two more 'Yes. teachers telephoned..e Traub. even gaunt. her room. it seemed the understand. On the contrary. please-but are you sure no less hers. and they made love again. So she gardened or seweri. five pounds a week. wilth her He was again lying on his back. He said: "Do you want a divorce. she saw he had got thin. I dont up to the room. was a blue wall. "Do six : at night. As for the money. She was not to cook. and difficult-because it wasio easy: she I am sure I am well. separating at the d-oor. which they had just vacated. is it?" :h: y"r "You brought it up." being rrvhoanswered so readily and improbably to the naine of He was jerking his elbows up and down. she was to be somewhere in or neurxthe house untii shapes against the blue. before she replied: as mother and wife. After these days of solitude. Willingly she descendedto the dark disinfectant. but She thought this out as she brushed her hair. in annoyance or in Susan.She went One night in the bedroom. it was both easy to play her part strokes on either side of her head. . She saw thrt . He could only mean to her. his blond head on his hands. came back for a moment when she understood this. she nursed them. hiss. If the children. and sat waiting until the two. youwant a divorce. she simply asked Matthew for it. that she wasir't turned out of doors.rr. her their eyes could meet on the transactioi. heard the word "pressure" with dismay. and. not a'penny Then the small panic set in again: she understood that he more. had once"known the des_ in London. as a fake. when they were really married. had she let herself.r.or the as to escape: "Well. he gave her five pounds. from laughing: she could hear the bright bubbling laughter not even frightened he might ask what for: he would give it sheuould have emitted.) "Are things part. week. giving her swift indifferent glances bdfore of the house. "Then Susan. and a you are well?" maid was straightening the bed as she came in. every fine black stuff fly up to make its little clouds of electricity. though you must She was surprised no one saw through her. It was want to interfere-don't think that. It was as if he *"rL p"y. I'm not putting any sort of pressure on you"' (Susan children loved her more. going vague and bright and idiotic again. after which she was free. looking at him. watching the she stiled it: things had gone too far for that. brightly. answering to Mummy.o *rrih." he said. was not there: she was in Fred-'sHotei. it nust be confessed)SophieTlaub."Susan. He said: 11*Ay.were sick. of course she could not go on like this. I don't see why not. these partners. He agreed to give her continent. fenor causeotherwise it would be too terrifying. Mrs. just as Susan imagined herself going in. "A wornlan calling"herself Mri' Jones. her eyes.oyntry Susan-a dark foreign girl. She was trying conscioubly lrl "Have enquiries been made for to revive it. couldn't he?" going on and off inside it. ' ' Well. As far is the proprietor on these. fitting the-description But then. Sophie did just that: she had been in itoom No. the comradeship' of the c. and she saidi paid every day' I now. to look for herself have a right to be told.was stooping to slide something into the oven. I had no alternative' Put yourself in my wings. and you've been Several times she returned to the room. stood solid on two feet. Sophie's visitor.". looking in at *tt" iot"t like thisl Then slit apieared across his white crinkled face. but instead she found the unnamed spirit of restlessness. Shetriedtoshrinkherselfbackintotheshelteroftheroom. she was as ill as a suddenly deprived addict. . Parkes. she was impelling five or six and stayed in Number 19 by herself"' herself from point to point like a moth dashing itself against a '"Describing me?" windowpane. trying to let go into the dark creative trance (or Next day she asked Fred: me?" whatever it was) that she had found there. was leaning her back against a cupboard u-p now?"- il stopied laughinfand said: "You want to 99 and laughing at some joke made by a girl not seen before by io the iamiliarity. on which (and he knew it) she Molly. hurt Susan: Molly was looking at the three grownups here with searchedher out. But ' TO ROOM NINETEEN the peace of the room had gone. muttering words of hate. Jones came every weekday from ten until dash blindly about. sliding to the bottom. Soon she was exhausted. fluttering off on broken 'Well. Home she went.arms folded. . -remiined grave.looking at him'. lay curled. Sophie. I've made no trouble.. i9' She insists knows. shut off agency: Room rg. picking up alo1g-all day of your wife (et cetera. one of the twins. must have received' down the wall. he could have been. "As a riatter of fact' Mrs' Jones. The child's listless face. a man did come asking"' a pricking fevered hunger for movement. clapping her hands be- go on like this.A report something the wall. she was going on informatiolh"' holiday. i{" might walk in at any mo-ment: the four through the kitchen window: she was remote. an irritable self-con- "A man from a detective agencY?" sciousnessthat made her brain feel as if it had coloured lights 'Well. so by iending the detective after that the child lifted her heavy eyes at her and began to smile. He hesitated. year she craved for it. et cetera)' stary the little girl. ) The pressuresw-ereon her' She was working and talking in exactly the same way Susan looked at here' into his connivan"". She must have some sickness. She imagined the report from the detective from them. Now she let her foot in its ribbon-tied red shoe slide -Matthew . male or femaie. wearing a discarded floral U"gg"^dher to laugh.'wet own home when not expected. yet . what did you -tell him?" the room's air. the dark circles under (The world had same. to be was not the She went uP to sit in her wicker chair' But it kept from school. of course he was right: things couldn't fore and behind her. et cetera. He traa'put an end to it all simply her. then crashing into the invisible barrier again. and she felt guilty at returning to her he chose to laugh: a pinkish. She stood unseen. and she told Fred that for ' the "By rights I should deduct what that man gave you for a while she would not be needing the room. lines ifr&". the other knee flexed. *e[. Her husband had searched her out.I've been coming here a. a snail pecked out of its shell and trying to squirm back. MrsI Jones. of pers-onto He raised shocked eyes: she was not the sort The middle of a weekday. sucking her thumb and *ft"t" ni questions depended comPletelY. Instead of the soft dark that had been "I was asking you. It was no use. and sitting in an armchair with her. stroking her on this room' waits for it if it is en' probably heated forehead. its foot set against *"t"U. watching the grownups. And again place. In an armchair r"t*"i"f are asked." and again. to the big white house by the river. she receives no visitors Standing on one leg. and sang a couple of lines in German. his eyes positively the kitchen window. otherwise he might lose some money' She overall of Susan's. were now waiting for her demons that made her 'I told him a Mts." there. up. 'You thought I had a lover?" He . in explana-r She said. . she could imagine herself being touched by no one but Matthew Molly. himself. "Well. with relief. for his voice He nodded. It was a sensation that should have been frightening: to s no point telling you about mine. noP tion. while she said aloud: 'It at atl. listening to Mrs. she knew.home: it is Michael" (MichactWhat? )-'Michael Plant. so that her head lay on his shoulder. had been thinking things out in the night. with' allows oneself a base thought or an envious emotion." comfort. In fact. talk." . nothing to do with her: she was alrqady out of it. she had not been leaving the house at all. to do anything at all. not in accusation: "As soon as you knew where I was. "I must confess that I was beginning to wonder . careful not to contradict herself : "His name Later. detached and interested: 'Seally? Who is phe?" and WelI. Sophie'sItalian friend Maria. she thought. listening to Sophie'srich young him." (What a silly was unfair to be here unnnnounced. Phil Hunt. and felt like a visitor. and went quietly up through the house to her bedroom. There "It's Phil. and said. quick. so herself. face into the dark of his flesh.ears saying: I am alone. but she knew it was because thew will see that himself. and listened to the blood pounding "Yes. at bedtime. and she could hear his voice spring up. she said to herself. Sophie. becausenow he "Yes. gave it back to him. Matthew said: "Are you two thinking of marrying?" She shook her head. . . She said. if one never sordid hotel room. ' . namel) "He's rather like you-in looks. she won't do. were not there. to was thinking: No." (Really? Why?) 'He's got a wife A few days later. proud of herself." was too emphatic. Mat- house. I am alone. why don't we make a foursome?" She knew that he wished she had. So instead she saidr:' ' '1Vhy not?" she said. there She realised. "He's a publisher. she was not redly here This line of thought went on in silence. her soul was in Room rg in Fred's Hotel. I am alone." voice sing German nursery songs to her child. "in that case I must confess I've got a bit the dark untidy young head that Molly laid on her shoulder for of an affair on myself. ' her to him. She sat wondering how to . . sounded relieved as he said: "It is a bit impossible to imagine thinking. perhaps youte not far wrong. naturally out it I don't exist.I am afraid I did. and her daughter." and pushed them over at her. but apparently it was all right. Remember how you in- Parkes clltter and move below. and to know that all this had vented all that nonsensefor Miss Townsend. saw Matthew's startled look becauseof this reaction. Yet he must have known She brought out this fantasy. Parkes. she made herself go down and say she was. TO ROOM NINETEEN Probably Matthew would think the hotel proprietor lied: he 15 Then she walked. the garden. It's just that I was worried. of course he would be bound say: "For a year now I've been spending all my days in a very to sal that. I know.l. '" In the morning Susan lay in bed while he dressed. She took lunch with'Mrs. Of course." she sat looking at the river through the trees. Susanblinked the tears of farewell out of her eyes. .not looking at her. Well. He was turned away from her:. or rather skipped. She said "Hoplal Hoplal Molly . . She began slowly. It's the place where I'm happy. . She had no desire to move. swung her would want to think so." pounds. invent. Sophie's much better." She heard herself saying this..' he said. before she could stop herself : "Good God. She turned her He said: "I wasn't trying to . isn't it?" With which he pulled him. over to the child. she's too neurotic and difficult. I mean.' Quick." and began stroking to speak." : r said: "Susan. how best to handle this wife who terrified oneself married to anyone else. that this was no point. and undeli bne says. if Matthew wanted to marry Phil Hunt." through her. Let's make a fouriomet stood how terrified he was that she might. as sensible as he is. because you' don't know sit at her own bedroom window. The devils that had haunted the She's never been happy yet. She felt at Peace." And indeed. If one is sensible.if one is reasonable. She had known Phil Hunt well in the old unmarried days. . Matthew said: "Here's your five already and two children. and let her fall into her lap at the same moment she sat "'Well. She but in a way that was new to her. indeed. ceived the key of Number rg. Or perhaps Matttrew separate. into their movement. there was nothing to stoP needed the room. and Circle. Fred said. watched them mingle and merge. Why not? Or even with Fred? What difference did it make? But she had let herself in for it-an interminable stretch of barid put his hand to the knot of his tie in a gesture of male time with a lover. let alone affection. then of the thing.re- clattering off to school to the accompaniment of Sophie'scheer. they don't So ncrv she was saddled with a lover. she had finished with all that-the proof of it was that the l6 '"We could all meet for lunch. she could not. words: Oh you naughty little pussI And she felt its answering Shegot up. whose voice could How ordinary. keeping for shelter against her own irrelevance. and ascendedthe grimy fully ringing voice.draw the line there? Why should he. and fell away out of sight. at how far ten to leave her money. and me staying late at the office. now free. so that floor after floor descendedjerkily to her her hand to the hollow where her husband's body had lain." or even imagining it. love with anyone? Or if you are going to make love. capable of talking about "foursomes" at all? and left thg place without looking back at it. found no comfort there: he was not her husband.and asked look. is he? So that's why you've been . And she stretched out her eyes lifted. she self and his mistress quite well. as part of a gallant civilised coquetry she would not before have associated with him. all week. . felt her being flow into them. and he had a mistressl think.afterglow of and sat watching the people flow in and out the door that kept autumnal passion. ground. . she said. and-but finished their convulsions under it. civilised tolerance. Number rg was the same. Parkes vari- they had both sunk from honesty of emotion' ations on the theme that husbands are all the s. I mean." love. and go about to theatres and restaurants. Good Lord. made her want to run away and hide from the sheer effort What on earth did I say his name was?-she panicked. And in return in a fold of the curtain. but Michael is away at the moment. letting floor after floor fall away below her. had forgot-- Inside she was dissolving in horror at them both. just as she had left She lay in the empty bedroom. a trace of powder on the how? She must presumably find some agreeableman prepared glass that topped the chest of drawers.went down to find Mrs. the four of them developing the most intricate relationship of She went to a busy tearoom-cum-restaurant arotrnd the corner. The idea made her want to crv with sheer exhaustion. and without saying a word to Sophie. got out at Paddington. and together? She had known people who did. with Matthew in it. She stood at the window. off to work. She would have to wait an hour. Then she heard the children but silently dedicating it to Sophie. though-and I'm sure you two would like it matter who with? Why shouldn't she simply walk into the each other. naughty and coy. beautiful white house. all day. . No. she left a half-crown for her pot of tea. you words "make love. Iistening to the car drive ofi her house. . she told Fred that she wasn't going on holiday after all. looking down. and she would not. She returned to Fred. pick up a man-and have a roaring sexual affair with him? "He's away. She saw evepything with an acute. changed to the Inner After all. . trying hard to revive r1omore than the pleasures of sensuality. stails slowly. Perhaps they would all go off on holidays swinging open and shut. She slid down into the hollow of the bed. the Rawlings could well afford that sorf of thing. and he bent to kiss her cheek with the expression that goes with the foursome. but level of vision.. for which she would-what? Well. how reassuring. dressed. walked to the under- make a foursolne of it. called Michael." street. travelled to South Kensington. for one thing they would watching people pass and pass and pass until her mind went make love. though." Her hus. ifs ridiculous. She exchanged with Mrs. TO BOOM NINETEEN Oh no. Well. . sneaking ofi to filthy hotels. She curled her. all enveloped in a charming.une. or. Parkes. since Matthew. all her life. which had been replaced carelessly after t}re two bodies had But in a few days she must produce Michael Plant. the big. would. an intense green shade to impersonate a publisher called Michael Plant. how jollyl And now they would be heard upstairs from the telephone. and walked to Freds Hotel. without another look. self up in a small tight ball under the clothes: she could stay here n:urow. why make love at all? Why make 'I said: think it s a good idea. what does When he comes back. if he was When the hour was up. There presumably the publisher Michael Plant could afiord to do him. come onto her face' her forlhe lban of a pound. checking glance: the cheap shine bf the satin spread. and all the lies everyone has to tell. how ridiculous! How absu_rdlHow humiliatingl But she decided not to trouble about it. And he did want to believe it. She lay on her back on fhe green satin cover. he would believe it. admittedly. q daik from the constant movement. For the first time sincc she had been in the room she lay on the hard bed that smelled stale. and carefully coveredher legs with it. that smelled of sweat and sex. as she drifted off into the dark river. listening to the faint soft hiss of the gas that poured into the room. darkly. who was already the mother of those children and what hypocrisy to sit here worrying about the children. sweetly. because she did not want. she got up. found a blanket folded in the bottom of the chest of drawers. Shehad about four hours. put two shillings in the meter. Should she write a letter for the coroner? But what should she say? She would like to leave him with the look on his face she had seen this morning-banal. Then she sat in the wicker chair. But she had to be careful. letting herself go slack. . that was im- possible. She was slipping al- ready into the dark fructifying dream that seemed to caress her inwardly. And what did it-matter whether he married Phil Hunt or Sophie? Though it ought to be Sophie.a man -because of the fascinating publisher Michael Plant? Oh. But how to leave him believing she was dying becauseof . like the movement of her blood . and turned on the gas. when she was going to leave t}tem becauseshe had not got the energy to stay. but she had to think about Matthew first. one did not look like that with a wife dead from suicide. letting herself slide gently. with hardly a break in her consciousness. into her brain. today. into her lungs. She spent them delightfully. pushed the thin rug against the door. The demons were not here. They had gone forever. to the edge of the river. She got up. because she was buying her freedom from them. he would think: Oh poor Susan. gently. simply not to think about the living. . Even when he had found out that there was no publisher in London called Michael Plant. She was quite content lying there. Then. to be surprised by Fred's knock at five o'clock. but her legs were chilly. made sure the windows were tight shut.real name. .she was afraid to give me his. Well. but at least confidently healthy. If he wanted to believe she had a lover.