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STYLELessons in Clarityand Grace NINTH EDITION Joseph M. Williams The University o[Chicago ... • 1. III iii New York Boston San Francisco London Toronto Sydney Tokyo Singapore Madrid Mexico City Munich Paris Cape Town Hong Kong Montreal CONTENTS Preface ix PART ONE Style as Choice LESSONONE Understanding Style 3 LESSONTwo Correctness 11 PART TWO Clarity LESSONTHREE Actions 33 LESSONFOUR Characters 53 LESSONFIVE Cohesion and Coherence 74 LESSONSIX Emphasis 91 1 31 PART THREE Grace 109 LESSOr-; SEVEN Concision III LESSONEIGHT Shape 131 LESSONNINE Elegance 160 PART FOUR: Clarity of Form LESSONTEN Motivating Coherence 185 LESSONELEVEN Global Coherence 198 PART FIVE Ethics LESSONTWELVE The Ethics of Style 213 Appendix: Punctuation 236 Glossary 261 SuggestedAnswers 269 Acknowledg111ents 280 Index 281 183 211 vii PREFACE Most people won't realize that writing is a craft. You have to take your apprenticeship in it like anything else. -KATHERINE ANNE PORTER THE NINTH EDITION What's New The obvious change to this ninth edition of Style is a new subtitle: no longer Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace but just Lessons in ... To avoid changing the title of past editions, I added material under the headings of epilogue, appendix, and afterword, creating a hodge-podge of a book. In the interest of straightening out this disorder, I've turned the two epilogues into lessons and put them before the lesson on ethics. I have also made substantive changes. I have replaced the ethical analysis of Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address with an analysis of the Declaration of Independence. In this new analysis, I make the same point I did about the Second Inaugural: We should understand how gifted writers manipulate the language of their argument and thereby our responses to its logic and substance, and consider the ethical implications of that manipulation. I have added new material. To Lesson 2, I've added a reference list of real and alleged errors so that readers can find a discussion of them more easily. I've also added a note suggesting that while the so-called rule about not beginning a sentence with because makes no sense, it is stylistically sound advice. To Lesson 8, I've added a section on how to work quotations into the flow of a sentence gracefully and how to punctuate around quotation marks. To Lesson 10 (formerly the second epilogue), I've added material on introductions, a new section on diagnosing and revising introductions, and a new section on conclusions. ix x Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace To Lesson II, I've added a note on paragraphs that might disconcert some teachers, but that I think takes a realistic view about their structure. To Lesson 12 on ethics, I've added a section on plagiarism. Most treatments of the subject focus on the actions that constitute it, but this book is based on how readers make judgments, so I discuss plagiarism from the readers' point of view: what makes them suspect it, so that honest writers can avoid the mistaken perception of it. To the appendix on punctuation, I've added a section on artful sentence fragments and on apostrophes, and highlighted more occasions where choices in punctuation have stylistic consequences. In several lessons, I've added a new feature called "Quick Tip." These offer short bits of practical advice about how to deal with some common problems> I've also done a lot of line editing. After twenty-five years of revising this book, you'd think by this time I'd have it right, but there always seem to be sentences that make me slap my forehead, wondering how I could have written them. What's the Same This ninth edition aims at answering the same questions I asked in the earlier ones: • What is it in a sentence that makes readers judge it as they do? • How do we diagnose our own prose to anticipate their judgments? • How do we revise a sentence so that readers will think better of it? The standard advice about writing ignores those questions. It is mostly truisms like Make a plan, Don't use the passive, Think of your audience-advice that most of us ignore as we wrestle ideas out onto the page. When I drafted this paragraph, I wasn't thinking about you; I was struggling to get my own ideas straight. I did know that I would come back to these sentences again and again (I didn't know that it would be for more than twenty-five years), and that it would be only then-as I revised-that I could think abou t you and discover the plan that fit my draft. I also knew that as I did so, there were some principles I could rely on. This book explains them. Preface xi PRINCIPLES, NOT PRESCRIPTIONS Those principles may seem prescriptive, but that's not how I intend them. I offer them as ways to help you predict how readers will judge your prose and then help you decide whether and how to revise it. As you try to follow those principles, you may write more slowly. That's inevitable. Whenever we reflect on what We do as we do it, we become self-conscious, sometimes to the point of near-paralysis. It passes. And you can avoid some of it if you remember that these principles have less to do with drafting than with revision. If there is a first principle of draiting, it is to ignore most of the advice about how to do it. SOME PREREQUISITES To learn how to revise efficiently, though, you must know a few things: • You should know a few grammatical terms: SUBJECT, VERB, NOUN, ACTIVE, PASSIVE. CLAUSE, PREPOSmoN. and COORDINATION. All grammatical terms are capitalized the first time they appear and are defined in the text or in the Glossary. • You have to learn new meanings for two familiar words: TOPIC and STRESS. • You will have to learn a few new terms. Two are important: NOMINALIZATIONand METADISCOURSE; three are useful: RESUMPTIVE MODIFIER, SUMMATIVE MODIFlER, and FREE MODIFIER. Some students object to learning new words, but the only way to avoid that is never to learn anything new. Finally, if you read this book on your own, go slowly. It is not an amiable essay to read in a sitting or two. Take the lessons a few pages at a time, up to the exercises. Do the exercises, edit someone else's writing, then some of your own written a few weeks ago, then something you wrote that day. Over the last twenty-five years, I have been gratified by the reception of Style. To those of you who have sent me comments and responses-thank you. I'm also pleased that the first edition created a new topic in linguistic studies: metadiscourse. The few pages devoted to that topic in the first edition have led to scores of articles and even a few books. A web search for metadiscourse xii Style: LeSSOIls in Claritv and Grace generated 42,000 hits. Style has had a good run, and I am grateful to those of you who have found it helpful. All comments on this edition are welcome. An Instruction Manual is available for those who are interested in the scholarly and pedagogical thinking that has gone into Style. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS So many have offered support and suggestions over the last twenty-five years, that I cannot thank you all. But again I begin with those English 194 students who put up with faintly dittoed pages (that tells you how many years ago this book was born) and with a teacher who at times was at least as puzzled as they. I have learned from the undergraduate, graduate and professional students, and post-docs who have gone through the Little Red Schoolhouse writing program at the University of Chicago (a.k.a, Advanced Academic and Professional Writing). I am equally grateful to the graduate students who taught these principles and offered good feedback. I have intellectual debts to those who broke ground in psycholinguistics, text linguistics, and functional sentence perspective. Those who keep up with such matters will recognize the influence of Charles Filmore, Jan Firbas, Nils Enkvist, Michael Halliday, Noam Chomsky, Thomas Bever, Vic Yngve, and others. The work of Eleanore Rosch has provided a rich explanation for why verbs should be actions and characters should be subjects. Her work in prototype semantics is a powerful theoretical basis for the kind of style urged here. I am indebted to colleagues who have taken time to comment on the work of another. For their thoughtful reviews of this edition. I wish to thank Patricia Webb, Arizona State University; John Hyman, American University; Sandra Jamieson, Drew University; Seth Katz, Bradley University; and Brij Lunine, University of California, Santa Cruz. For reading earlier versions of this book, I thank Theresa Ammirati, Yvonne Atkinson, Margaret Batschelet, Nancy Barendse, Randy Berlin, Cheryl Brooke, Ken Bruffee, Christopher Buck, Douglas Butturff, Donald Byker; Bruce Campbell, Elaine Chaika, Avon Crisrnore, Constance Gefvert, Darren Cambridge, Mark Canada, Paul Contino, Jim Garrett, Jill Gladstein, Karen Gocsik, Richard Grande, Jeanne Gunner, Maxine Hairston, George PART ONE Style as Choice Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret of style. -MATTHEW ARNOLD Lesson 1 UnderstandingStyle Essentially style resembles good manners. It comes of endeavouring to understand others, of thinking for them rather than yourself---or thinking, that is, with the heart as well as the head. -SIR ARTHUR QlJILLER-COUCH The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. -GEORGE ORWELL In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing. --OSCAR WILDE 3 4 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace PRINCIPLES AND ArMS This book rests on two principles: it is good to write clearly, and anyone can. The first is self-evident, especially to those who must read a lot of writing like this: An understanding of the causal factors involved in excessive drinking by students could lead to their more effective treatment. But that second principle may seem optimistic to those who want to write clearly, but can't get close to this: We could more effectively treat students who drink excessively if we understood why they do. Of course, writing fails for reasons more serious than unclear sentences. We bewilder readers when we can't organize complex ideas coherently (an issue I address in Lesson 11). And they won't even read what we've written unless we motivate them to (an issue I address in Lesson 10). But once we've formulated our claims, organized supporting reasons, grounded them on sound evidence, and motivated readers to read attentively, we must still express it all clearly, a difficult task for most writers and a daunting one for many. It is a problem that has afflicted generations of writers who have hidden their ideas not only from their readers, but sometimes even from themselves. When we read that kind of writing in government regulations, we call it bureaucratese; when we read it in legal documents, legalese; in academic writing that inflates small ideas into gassy abstractions, academese. Written deliberately or carelessly, it is a language of exclusion that a democracy cannot tolerate. It is also a problem with a long history. A SHORT HISTORY OF UNCLEAR WRITING The Past It wasn't until about the middle of the sixteenth century that writers of English decided that it was eloquent enough to replace Latin and French in serious discourse. But their first efforts were written in a style so complex that it defeated easy understanding: If use and custom, having the help of so long time and continuance wherein to [rcjfine our tongue, of so great learning and experience Lesson 1 Understanding Style 5 which furnish matter for the [re]fining, of so good wits and judgments which can tell how to refine, have griped at nothing in all that time, with all that cunning, by all those wits which they won't let go but hold for most certain in the right of OUf writing, that then our tongue has no certainty to trust to, but write all at random. -c-Richard Mulcastcr; The First Pan o{the Elementary, 1582 Within a century, a complex style had spread to the writing of scientists (or, as they were called, natural philosophers). As one complained, Of all the studies of men, nothing may sooner be obtained than this vicious abundance of phrase, this trick of metaphors, this volubility of tongue which makes so great a noise in the world, -Thomas Sprat, History o[ the Royal Society, 1667 When this continent was settled, writers could have established a new, democratic prose style, neither noisy nor voluble, but simple and direct. In fact, in 1776, the plain words of Thomas Paine's Common Sense helped inspire our Revolution: In the following pages I offer nothing more than simple facts, plain arguments, and common sense. Sad to say, he sparked no revolution in our national prose style. By the early nineteenth century, James Fenimore Cooper was complaining about our writing: The love of turgid expressions is gaining ground, and ought to be corrected. One of the most certain evidences of a man of high breeding, is his simplicity of speech: a simplicity that is equally removed from vulgarity and exaggeration. __. Simplicity should be the firm aim, after one is removed from vulgarity .... In no case, however, can one who aims at turgid language, exaggerated sentiments, or pedantic utterances, lay claim to he either a man or a woman of the world. -James Fenimore Cooper, The Amedcan Democrat, 1838 I I Unfortunately, in abusing that style, Cooper adopted it. Had he followed his own advice, he might have written, We should discourage those who love turgid language. A well-bred person speaks simply, in a way that is neither vulgar nor exaggerated. No one can claim to be a man or woman of the world who exaggerates sentiments or deliberately speaks in ways that are turgid or pedantic. , 6 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace About fifty years later, Mark Twain wrote what we now think is classic American prose. He said this about Cooper's style: There have been daring people in the world who claimed that Cooper could write English, but they are all dead now-all dead but Louns- bury [an academic who praised Cooper's style]. ... [He] says that Deerslayer is a "pure work of art." ... (But] Cooper wrote about the poorest English that exists in our language, and ... the English of Deerslayer is the very worst thajt] even Cooper ever wrote. As much as we all admire Twain's directness, few of us emulate it. The Present In the best-known essay on modem English style, "Politics and the English Language," George Orwell anatomized the turgid language of politicians, bureaucrats, academics, and other such windy speakers and writers: The keynote lof a pretentious style] is the elimination of simple verbs. Instead of being a single word, such as break, stop, spoil, mend, kill, a verb becomes a phrase, made up of a noun or adjective tacked on to some general-purposes verb such as prove, serve, [orm, play, render. In addition, the passive voice is wherever possible used in preference to the active, and noun constructions arc used instead of gerunds (by examination of instead of by examining). But as Cooper did, in abusing that style Orwell adopted it. Hc could have written more concisely: Pretentious writers avoid simple verbs. Instead of using one word, such as break, stop, kill, they turn the verb into a noun or adjective, then tack onto it a general-purpose verb such as prove, serve, {ann, ploy; render. They use the passive voice everywhere instead of the active, and noun constructions instead of gerunds (b.v examination instead of by examining). If the best-known critic of a turgid style could not resist it, we ought not be surprised that politicians and academics embrace it. On the language of the social sciences: A turgid and polysyllabic prose does seem to prevail in the social sciences .... Such a lack of ready intelligibility, I believe, usually has little or nothing to do with the complexity of thought. Tt has to do almost entirely with certain confusions of the academic writer about his own status. -c. Wright Mills, The Sociological Imagination Lesson I Understanding Style 7 On the language of medicine: It now appears that obligatory obfuscation is a firm tradition within the medical profession. .. [Medical writing] is a highly skilled, calculated attempt to confuse the reader. A doctor feels he might get passed over for an assistant professorship because he wrote his papers too clearly-because he made his ideas seem too simple. -Michael Crichton, New England Journal of Medicine On the language of law: In law journals, in speeches, in classrooms and in courtrooms, lawyers and judges are beginning to worry about how often the)' have been misunderstood, and they arc discovering that sometimes they can't even understand each other. -Tom Goldstein, New }(Jrk Times On the language of science: There arc times when the more the authors explain rabout ape communication], the less we understand. Apes certainly seem capable of using language to communicate. Whether scientists arc remains doubtful. -Douglas Chadwick, New York Times Most of us first confront that kind of writing in textbook sentences like this one: Recognition of the fact that systems [of grammar] differ from one language to another can serve as the basis for serious consideration of the problems confronting translators of the great works of world literature originally written in a language other than English. In about half as many words, that means, When we recognize that languages have different grammars, we can consider the problems of those who translate great works of literature into English. Generations of students have struggled with dense writing, many thinking they weren't smart enough to grasp a writer's deep ideas. Some have been right about that, but more could have blamed the writer's inability (or refusal) to write dearly. Many students, sad to say, give up; sadder still, others learn not only to read that style but to write it, inflicting it on the next generation of readers, thereby sustaining a 450-year-old tradition of unreadable writing. 8 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace SOME PRIVATE CAUSES OF UNCLEAR WRITING If unclear writing has a long social history, it also has private causes. Michael Crichton mentioned one: some writers plump up their prose to impress those who think that complicated sentences indicate deep thinking. And in fact, when we want to hide the fact that we don't know what we're talking about, we typically throw up a tangle of abstract words in long, complex sentences. Others write graceless prose not deliberately but because they are seized by the idea that writing is good only when it is free of errors that only a grammarian can explain. They approach a blank page not as a space to explore new ideas, but as a minefield to cross gingerly. They creep from word to word, concerned less with their readers' understanding than with their own survival. I address that issue in Lesson 2. Others write unclearly because they freeze up, especially when they are learning to think and write in a new academic or professional setting. The afflicted include not just undergraduates taking their first course in economics or psychology, but graduate students, businesspeople, doctors, lawyers-anyone writing on a new topic for unfamiliar and therefore intimidating readers. As we struggle to master new ideas, most of us write worse than we do when we write about things we understand belter. If that sounds like you, take heart: you will write more clearly once you more clearly understand your subject and readers. But the biggest reason most of us write unclearly is that we don't know when others think we do, much less why. What we write always seems clearer to us than it does to our readers, because we can read into it what we want them to get out of it. And so instead of revising our writing to meet their needs, we send it off the moment it meets ours. In all of this, of course, there is a great irony: we are likely to confuse others when we write about a subject that confuses us. But when we also read about a confusing subject written in a complex style, we too easily assume that its complexity signals deep thought, and so we try to imitate it, compounding our already confused writing. This book shows you how to avoid that trap, how to read your own writing as others will, and, when you should, how to make it better. Lesson 1 Understanding Style 9 ON WRITING AND REWRITING A warning: if you think about the principles offered here as you draft, you may never draft anything. Most experienced writers get something down on paper or up on the screen as fast as they can. Then as they rewrite that first draft into something clearer, they understand their ideas better. And when they understand their ideas better, they express them more clearly, and the more clearly they express them, the better they understand them ... and so it goes, until they run out of energy, interest, or time. For a fortunate few, that moment comes weeks, months, even years after they begin. (Over the last twenty-five years, I've wrestled this book through dozens of drafts, and there are parts I still can't get right.) For most of us, though, the deadline is closer to tomorrow morning. And so we have to settle for prose that is less than perfect, but as good as we can make it. (Perfection is the ideal, but a barrier to done.) So use what you find here not as rules to impose on every sentence as you draft it, but as principles to help you identify alreadywritten sentences likely to give your readers a problem, and then to revise those sentences quickly. As important as clarity is, though, some occasions call for more: Now the trumpet summons us again-not as a call to bear al111S, though arms we need; not as a call to battle, though embattled we are; but a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out, "rejoicing in hope. patient in tribulation," a struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty. disease and war itself. -John F. Kennedy, Inaugural Address. January 20, 1961 Few of us are called upon to write a presidential address, but in even our modest prose, some of us take a private pleasure in writing a shapely sentence, regardless of whether anyone will notice. If you enjoy not just writing a sentence but crafting it, you will find suggestions in Lesson 9. In Lessons 10 and 11, I go beyond the clarity of individual sentences to discuss the coherence of a whole document. Writing is also a social act that might or might not serve the best interests of readers, so in Lesson .12,I address some issues about the ethics of style. In an Appendix, I discuss styles of punctuation. l' 10 Style: lessons in Clarity and Grace Many years ago, H. L. Mencken wrote this: With precious few exceptions, all the books on style in English are by writers quite unable to write. The subject, indeed, seems to exercise a special and dreadful fascination over school ma'ams, bucolic college professors, and other such pseudoliterates .... Their central aim, of course, is to reduce the whole thing to a series of simple rules-the overmastering passion of their melancholy order, at all times and everywhere. Menckcn was right: no one learns to write well by rule, especially those who cannot feel or think or see. But I know that many who do see clearly, feel deeply, and think carefully can't write sentcnces that make their thoughts. feelings, and visions clear to others. I also know that the more clearly we write, the more clearly we see and feel and think. Rules help no one do that, but some principles can. Here they are. Lesson 2 Correctness God does not much mind bad grammar, but He does not take any particular pleasure in it. -ERASMUS No grammatical rules have sufficient authority to control the firm and established usage of language. Established custom, in speaking and writing, is the standard to which we must at last resort for determining every controverted point in language and style. -HUGHBLATR English usage is sometimes more than mere taste, judgment, and education-sometimes it's sheer luck, like getting across the street. -E.B. WHITE 11 12 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace UNDERSTANDING CORRECTNESS To a careful writer, nothing is more important than choice, but in some matters, we have none-we can't put the after a NOUN, as in street the (capitalized words are defined in the Glossary). But we choose when we can. For example, which of these sentences would you choose to write if you wanted readers to think you wrote clearly? I. Lack of media support was the cause of our election loss. 2. We lost the election because the media did not support us. Most of us choose (2). Unlike clarity, though, correctness seems a matter not of choice, but of obedience. When the American Heritage Dictionary says that irregardless is "never acceptable" (except, they say, for humor), our freedom to choose it seems at best academic. In matters of this kind, we choose not between better and worse, but between right and utterly, irredeemably, unequivocally Wrong. Which, of course, is no choice at all. But that lack of choice docs seem to simplify things: "Correct- ness" requires not sound judgment but only a good memory. If we remember that irregardless is always Wrong, it ought not rise 10 an even subconscious level of choice. Some teachers and editors think we should memorize dozens of such "rules": Never begin a sentence with and or but. • Never use double negatives. Never split INFINITIVES. It is, however, more complicated than that. Some rules are real-if we ignore them, we risk being labeled at least unschooled: our verbs must agree with subjects; our pronouns must agree with their referents. There are many others. But some often repeated rules are less important than many think; some are not even real rules. And if you obsess over them all, you hinder yourself from writing quickly and clearly. That's why T address "correctness" now, before clarity, because I want 10 put it where it belongsbehind us. Lesson 2 Correctness 13 RULES OF GRAMMAR AND THE BASIS OF THEIR AUTHORITY Opinion is split on the social role of rules of grammar. To some, they arc just another device that the Ins use to control the Outs by stigmatizing their language and thereby discourage their social and political aspirations. To others, the rules of Standard English have been so refined by generations of educated speakers and writers that they are now a force of nature and therefore observed by all the best writers of English-or at least should be. Correctness as Historical Accident Both views are correct, partly. For centuries, those governing our affairs have used grammatical "errors" to screen out those unwilling or unable to acquire the habits of the schooled middle class. But they are wrong to claim that those rules were devised for that end. Standard forms of a language originate in accidents of geography and economic power. When a language has different regional dialects, that of the most powerful speakers usually becomes the most prestigious and the basis for a nation's "correct" writing. Thus if some geographical accident had put Scotland closer to Europe than London is, and if its capital, Edinburgh, had become the center of Britain's economic, political, and literary life, we would speak and write less like Shakespeare and more like the Scottish poet Bobby Burns: Aye wha are sae guid yourself (All you who are so good yourselves Sae pious and sae holy, So pious and so holy, Ye've nought to do but mark You've nothing to do but talk and tell about Your neebours' fauts and folly! Your neighbors' faults and Iollyt) Correctness as Unpredictability Conservatives, on the other hand, are right that many rules of Stan- dard English originated in efficient expression. For example, we no longer use all the endings that our verbs required a thousand years 14 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace ago. We now omit present tense inflections in all but one context (and we don't need it there): Singular Plural 1ST PERSON I know + £I. We know + £I. 2ND PERSON You know + £I. You know + 0. 3RD PERSON She know + S. They know + 0. But critics on the right are wrong when they claim that Stan- dard English has been refined by the logic of educated speakers and writers, and so must by its very nature be superior to the debased language of their alleged social inferiors. True, many rules of Standard English do reflect an evolution toward logical efficiency. But if by logical we mean regular and therefore predictable, then Standard English is in many ways less logical than nonstandard English. For example, the Standard English contraction in I'm here, aren't I? is aren't. But what could be more unpredictably ungrammatical than the full form, I am here, are 1 nut? Logically, we should contract am + not to amn't, which is in fact one historical source of the nonstandard ain't (the other is are +not). So the standard aren't I is less logical than the historically predictable but socially stigmatized ain't 1. We could cite a dozen examples where the violation of a rule of Standard English reflects a logical mind making English grammar more consistent. But it is, of course, the very inconsistency of Standard English that makes its rules so useful to those who would use them to discriminate: to speak and write Standard English, we must either be born into it or invest years learning it (along with the values of its speakers). Here's the point: Those determined discriminate seize on any difference. But our language seems to reflect the quality of our minds more directly than do eun ZIP codes, so it's easy for those inclined to look down on others to think that grammatical "errors" indicate mental or moral ciency. But that belief is not just factually wrong; democracy like ours, it is socially destructive. Yet predicts ain't, so much greater is the power of tion that we avoid it, at least if we hope to be taken s,mIDus!y we write.for serious purposes. Lesson 2 Correctness 15 THREE KINDS OF RULES These corrosive social attitudes about correctness have been encouraged by generations of grammarians who, in their zeal to codify "good" English, have confused three kinds of "rules": Real Rules Real rules define what makes English English: ARTICLES must precede nouns: the book, not book the. Speakers born into English don't think about these rules at all when they write, and violate them only when they are tired or distracted. Social Rules Social rules distinguish Standard English from nonstandard: He doesn't have any money versus He don't have nu muney. Schooled writers observe these rules as naturally as they observe the Real Rules and think about them only when they notice others violating them. The unly writers who selfconsciously try to follow them are those not born into Standard English and striving to rise into the educated class. Invented Rules Finally, some grammarians have invented a handful of rules that they think we all should observe. These are the rules that the grammar police enforce and that too many educated writers obsess over. Most date from the last half of the eighteenth century: Don't split infinitives, as in to quietly leave. Don't end a sentence with a PREPOSITION. A few date from the twentieth cen tury: Don't use hopefully for I hope, as in Hopefully, it won't rain. Don't use which for that, as in a car which I sold. For 250 years, grammarians have accused the best writers of violating rules like these, and for 250 years the best writers have ignored them. Which is lucky for the grammarians, because if writers did obey all the rules, grammarians would have to keep inventing new ones, or find another line of work. The fact is, none ,I 16 Style: LeSSOIlS in Clarity and Grace of these invented rules reflects the consensus of unsclfconscious usage of our best writers. In this lesson, we focus on this third kind of rule, the handful of invented ones, because only they vex those who already write Standard English. Observing Rules Thoughtfully It is, however, no simple matter to deal with these rules if you want to be thought of as someone who writes "correctly," You could choose the worst-case policy: follow all the rules all the lime because sometime, someone will criticize you for something-for beginning a sentence with and or ending it with up. But if you mindlessly obey all the rules all the time, you risk becoming so obsessed with rules that you tie yourself in knots. And sooner or later, you will impose those rules-real or not-on others. After all, what good is learning a rule if all you can do is obey if! The alternative to blind obedience is selective observance. But then you have to decide which rules to observe and which to ignore. And if you ignore an alleged rule, you may have to deal with someone whose passion for "good" grammar seems to endow her with the power to see in a split infinitive a sign of moral corruption and social decay. If you want to avoid being accused of "lacking standards," but refuse to submit to whatever "rule" someone can dredge up [rom ninth-grade English, you have to know more about these invented rules tban (he rule-mongers do. The rest of this lesson helps you do that. Two KINDS OF INVENTED RULES We can sort most of these invented rules into two groups: Folklore and Elegant Options. Folklore These rules include those that most careful readers and writers ignore. You may not yet have had some of them inflicted on you, but chances are that one day you will. In what follows, the quotations that illustrate "violations" of these rules are from writers of considerable intellectual and scholarly stature or who, on matters of Lesson 2 Correctness 17 usage, are reliable conservatives (some are botb). A check mark indicates acceptable Standard English, despite what some grammarians claim. 1. "Don't begin sentences with and or but." This passage ignores the "rule" twice: .I But, it will be asked, is tact not an individual gift, therefore highly variable in its choices? And if that is so, what guidance can a manual offer, other than that of its author's prejudices-mere impressionism? -Wilson Follett, Modem American Usage:A Guide, edited and completed by Jacques Barzun et al. On this matter, it is useful to consult the guide used by conservative writers: the second edition of H. W. Fowler's A Dictio- nary of Modern English Usage (first edition, Oxford University Press, 1926; second edition, 1965; third edition, 1997, considered too permissive by archconservatives). The second edition was edited by Sir Ernest Gowers, who, to Fowler's original entry for and in the first edition, added this: That it is a solecism to begin a sentence with and is a faintly lingering superstition. (p. 29) To the original entry for but, he added "see and." Some inexperienced writers do begin too many sentences with and, but that is an error not in grammar but of style. Some insecure writers also think they should not begin a sentence with because. Not this: .I Because we have access to so much historical fact, today we know a good deal about changes within the humanities 'which were not apparent to those of any age much before our own and which the individual scholar must constantly reflect on. -Walter Ong, S. J., "The Expanding Humanities and the Individual Scholar," Publication of the Modern Language Association This folklore about because appears in no handbook, but it is gaining currency. It probably stems from advice aimed at avoiding sentence FRAGMENTS like this one: The plan was rejected. Because it was incomplete. This rule about because has no basis in grammar. But oddly enough, it does reflect a small stylistic truth. In Lesson 5, we 18 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace look at a principle of style that tells us to arrange the elements of sentences so that information already part of a reader's knowledge comes before information less familiar to the reader (for a quick summary, skim pp. 76-77). It is a fact of English style that a SUBORDtNATE CLAUSEbeginning with because usually introduces new information: II' Some writers write graceless prose because they are seized by the idea that writing is good only when it's free of errors that only a grammarian can explain. Reverse that order and you get a mildly awkward sentence: Because some writers are seized by the idea that writing is good only when it's free of errors that only a grammarian can explain, they write graceless prose. When a because-clause introduces new information, as it usually does, it should not begin a sentence, but end it. That, however, is not a rule of grammar; it is a principle of style. If you want to begin a sentence with a clause expressing causation, be sure your reader is familiar with its substance. Then introduce the clause not with because but with since, because since implies that the reader already knows what is in the clause: ./ Since our language seems to reflect our quality of mind, it is easy for those inclined to look down on others to think that grammatical "errors" indicate mental or moral deficiency. If you put a since-clause at the end of a sentence, the sentence ends weakly. It is easy for those inclined to look down on others to think that grammatical "errors" indicate mental or moral deficiency, since our language seems to reflect our quality of mind. There are exceptions to this principle, but it's generally sound. 2. ·U.., the RELATIVE PIl0NOUN that-not which-for RESTRICTIVE CLAUSE§."Allegedly, not this: ./ Next is a typical situation which a practiced writer corrects "for style" virtually by reflex action. -c-Jacques Barzun, Simple and Direct (p. 69) Lesson 2 Correctness 19 Yet just a few sentences before, Barzun himself (one of our most eminent intellectual historians and critics of style) had asserted, Us[e] that with defining [i.e. restrictive] clauses except when stylistic reasons interpose. (In the sentence quoted above, no such reasons interpose.) A rule has no force when someone as eminent as Barzun asserts it on onc page, then violates it on the next, and his "error" is never caught, not by his editors, not by his proofreaders, not even by Barzun himself. This "rule" is relatively new. It appeared in 1906 in Henry and Francis Fowler's The King's English (Oxford University Press; reprinted as an Oxford University Press paperback, 1973). The Fowlers thought that the random variation between that and which to begin a restrictive elause was messy, so they just asserted that henceforth writers should (with some exceptions) limit which to nonrestrictive clauses. A nonrestrictive clause, you may recall, describes a noun naming a referent that you can identify unambiguously without the information in that clause. For example, ,/' ABCOInc. ended its first bankruptcy, which it had filed in 1997. A company can have only one first bankruptcy, so we can unambiguously identify the bankruptcy mentioned without the information in the following clause. We therefore call that clause nonrestrictive, because it does not further "restrict" or identify what the noun names, its first bankruptcy. In that context, we put a comma before the modifying clause and begin it with which. That rule is based on historical and contemporary usage. But, claimed the Fowlers, for restrictive clauses, we should use not which but only that: For example, ,/' ABCOInc. sold a product that [notwhich] made millions. Since ABeopresumably makes many products, the clause that made millions "restricts" the product to only the one that made millions, and so, said the Fowlers, it should begin with that. Francis died in 1918, but Henry continued the family tradition with A Dictionary of Modem English Usage. In that 20 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace landmark work, he discussed the finer points of which and that, then added this: Some there are who follow this principle now; but it would be idle to pretend that it is the practice either of most or of the best writers. (p. 635) That wistful observation was kept in the second edition and again in the third. (For another allegedly incorrect which, see the passage by Walter Ong on p. 17.) I confess I follow Fowler's advice, not because a restrictive which is an error, but because that has a softer sound. I do sometimes choose a which when it's within a word or two of a that, because I don't like the sound of two thats close together: .I We all have that one rule that we will not give up. tI We all have that one rule which we will not give up. 3. "Use fewer with nouns you count, less with nouns you cannot." Allegedly not this: tI J can remember no less than five occasions when the correspondence columns of The Times rocked with volleys of letters ... -Noel Gilroy Annan, Lord Annan, "The Life of the Mind in British Universities Today," American Council of Learned Societies Newsletter No one uses fewer with mass nouns (fewer dirt) but educated writers often use less with countable plural nouns (less resources). 4. "Use since and while to refer only to time, not to mean because or although." Most careful writers use since with a meaning close to because but, as mentioned above, with an added sense of 'What follows I assume you already know': ./ Since asbestos is dangerous, it should be removed carefully. Nor do most careful writers restrict while to its temporal sense (We'll wait while you eat), but also use it with a meaning close to 'I assume you know what I state in this clause, but what I assert in the next will qualify it': .I While we agree on a date, we disagree about the place. In both cases, put the clause first in a sentence, because both since and while imply that the reader already knows what is in Lesson 2 Correctness 21 a clause they introduce. When you put such a clause last, the sentence ends weakly: Asbestos should be removed carefully, since it is dangerous. We disagree about the place, while we agree on a date. e's the point: If writers whom we judge to be compeent regularly violate some alleged rule and most careful readers never notice, then the rule has no force. In those cases, it is not writers who should change their usage, but should change their rules. Elegant Options These next "rules" complement the Real Rules: call them Elegant Options. Most readers do not notice when you observe a Real Rule, but does when you violates it (like that). On the other hand, few readers notice when you violate one of these optional rules, but some do when you observe it, because doing so makes your writing seem just a bit more self-consciously formal. 1. "Don't split infinitives." Purists condemn Dwight MacDon- ald. a linguistic archconservative, for this sentence (my emphasis in all the examples that follow) . ./ One wonders why Dr. Gave and his editors did not think of labeling knowed as substandard right where it occurs, and one suspects that they wanted to slightly conceal the fact ... -"The String Untuned," The New Yorker They would require they wanted to conceal slightly the fact ... Infinitives are now split so often that when you avoid splitting one, careful readers may think you are trying to be especially correct, whether you are or not. 2. "Use whom as the OBJECT of a verb or preposition." Purists would condemn William Zinsser for this use of who: ./ Soon after you confront this matter of preserving your identity, another question will occur to you: "Who am I writing for?" ---On Writing Well 22 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace They would insist on another question will occur to you: "Forwhom am Jwriting?" Most readers take whom as a sign of self-conscious correctness, so when a writer uses it incorrectly, that choice is probably a sign of insecurity, as in this sentence: The committee must decide whom should be promoted. In that sentence, whom is the subject of the verb should be promoted, so it should be who. Here is an actual rule: usc who when it is the subject of a verb in its own clause; use whom. only when it is an object in its own clause. QUICK TIP: If the relative clause modifies a noun and you can delete the relative pronoun and still make sense, the correct form is whom: .I The committee chose someone whom they trusted. .I The committee chose someone [ ] they trusted. If you cannot delete the who/whom, the correct form is who: .I The committee chose someone who earned their trust. The committee chose someone [ ] earned their trust. Two exceptions: (I) you cannot delete whom when it begins a clause that is the object of a verb. In that case, you have to depend on the grammar of the clause: .I The committee decided whom they should choose . .I The committee decided who was to be chosen. Always use whom when it is the object of a preposition: The committee chose someone in whom they had confidence. 3. "Don't end a sentence with a preposition." Purists condemn Sir Ernest Gowers, editor of Fowler's second edition, for this: .I The peculiarities of legal English arc often used as a stick to beat the official with. -The Complete Plain Words Lesson 2 Correctness 23 and insist on this: ... a stick with which to beat the official. The first is correct; the second is more formal. (Again, see the Ong passage on p. 17.) And when you choose to shift both the preposition and its whom to the left, your sentence seems marc formal yet. Compare: ./ The man I met with was the man I had written to . .I The man with whom I met was the man to whom I had written. A preposition can, however, can end a sentence weakly (see pp. 166-167). George Orwcll may have chosen to end this next sentence with from to make a sly point about English grammar, but I suspect it just ended up there (and note the "incorrect" which): [The defense of the English language] has nothing to do with ... the setting up of a "standard English" which must never be departed from. -c-Gcorge Orwell, "Politics and the English Language" This would have been less awkward and more emphatic: We do not defend English just to create a "standard English" whose rules we must always obey. 4. "Use the singular with none and any." None and any were originally singular, but today most writers use them as plural, so if you use them as singular, some readers will notice. The second sentence below is a bit more formal than the first: ./ None of the reasons are sufficient to end the project . .I None of the reasons is sufficient to end the project. When you are under close scrutiny, you might choose to observe all these optional rules. Ordinarily, though, they are ignored by most careful writers, which is to say they are not rules at all, but rather stylistic choices that create a slightly formal tone. If you adopt the worst-case approach and observe them all, all the time-well, private virtues are their own reward. 24 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Hobgoblins For some unknown reason, a handful of items has become the object of particularly zealous abuse. There's no explaining why; none of them interferes with clarity or concision. 1. "Never use like for as or as if:' Not this: ./ These operations failed like the earlier ones did. But this: I , I ./ These operations failed as the earlier ones did. Like became a SUBORDINATING CONJUNCTION in the eighteenth century when writers began to drop as from the conjunctive phrase like as, leaving just like as the conjunction. This process is called elision, a common linguistic change. It is telling that the editor of the second edition of Fowler (the onc favored by conservatives) deleted like for as from Fowler's list of "Illiteracies" and moved it into the category of "Sturdy Indefensibles." 2. "Don't use hopefully to mean 'I hope:" Not this: ./ Hopefully, it will not rain. But this: ./ I hope that it will not rain. This "rule" dates from the middle of the twentieth century. It has no basis in logic or grammar and parallels the usage of other words that no one abuses, words such as candidly, [rankly; sadly, and happily: ./ Candidly, we may fail. (That is, 1 am candid when I say we may fail.) ./ Seriously, we must go. (That is, I am serious when I say we must go.) 3. "Don't use finalize to mean 'finish' or But [inalize doesn't mean just 'finish.' It means 'to clean up the last few details: a sense captured by no other word. Moreover, if we think finalize is bad because -ize is ugly, we would have to reject nationalize, synthesize, and rationalize, along with hundreds of other useful words. 4. "Don't use impact as a verb, as in Thesurvey impacted our strategy. Use it only as a noun, as in The survey had all Lesson 2 Correctness 25 impact on our strategy." Impact has been a verb for 400 years, but on some people, historical evidence has none. 5. "Don't modify absolute words such as perfect, unique, final, or complete with very, more, quite, and so on." That rule would have deprived us of this familiar sentence: ./ We the People of the United States, in order to form a more p e r ~ feet union ... (Even so, this is a rule worth following.) 6. "Never ever use irregardless for regardless or irrespective." However arbitrary this rule is, follow it. Use irregardless and some will judge you irredeemable. Some Words That Attract Special Attention A few words are so often confused with others that careful readers are likely to note your careful usage when you correctly distinguish them-flaunt and flout for example. When you use them correctly, those who think the difference matters are likely to note that at least you know that flaunt means 'to display conspicuously' and that flout means 'to scorn a rule or standard.' Thus if you chose to scorn the rule about flaunt and flout, you would not flout your flaunting it, but flaunt your flouting it. Here are some others: aggravate means 'to make worse.' It does not mean to 'annoy.' You can aggravate an injury but not a person. anticipate means 'to prepare for a contingency.' It does not mean just 'expect.' You anticipate a question when you prepare its answer before it's asked; if you know it's coming but don't prepare, you only expect it. anxious means 'uneasy' not 'eager.' You're eager to leave if you're happy to. You're anxious about leaving if it makes you nervous. blackmail means 'to extort by threatening to reveal damaging information.' It does not mean simply 'coerce.' One country cannot blackmail another with nuclear weapons when it only threatens to use them. cohort means 'a group who attends on someone.' It does not mean a single accompanying person. When Prince Charles married his friend she became his 'consort'; his hangers-on are still his cohort. comprise means 'to include all parts in a single unit.' It is not synonymous with constitute. The alphabet is not comprised by its letters; 26 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace it comprises them. Letters constitute the alphabet, which is thus constituted by them. continuous means 'without interruption.' It is not synonymous with continual, which means an activity through time, with interruptions. If you continuously interrupt someone, that person will never say a word because your interruption will never stop. If you continually interrupt, you let the other person finish a sentence from time to time. disinterested means 'neutral.' It does not mean 'uninterested.' A judge should be disinterested in the outcome of a case, but not uninterested in it. (Incidentally, the original meaning of disinterested was 'to be uninterested.') enormity means 'hugely bad.' It does not mean 'enormous.' In private, a belch might be enormous, but at a state funeral, it would also be an enormity. fortuitous means 'by chance.' It docs not mean 'fortunate.' You are fortunate when you fortuitously pick the right number in the lottery. fulsome means 'sickeningly excessive.' It does not mean just 'much.' We all enjoy praise, except when it becomes fulsome. notorious means 'known for bad behavior.' It does not mean 'famous: Frank Sinatra was a famous singer but a notorious bully. These days only a few readers still care about these distinctions, but they may be just those whose judgment carries special weight when it matters the most. It takes only a few minutes to learn to use these words in ways that testify to your precision, so it may be worth doing so, especially if you also think their distinctions are worth preserving. On the other hand, you get no points for correctly distinguishing imply and infer, principal and principle, accept and except, capital and capitol, affect and effect, proceed and precede, discrete and discreet. That's just expected of a schooled writer. Most careful readers also notice when a Latinate or Greek plural noun is used as a singular, so you might want to keep these straight, too: Singular Plural darum criterion medium data criteria media stratum phenomenon strata phenomena Lesson 2 Correctness 27 Here's the point: You rectusage by logic or gen I one-by-one and accept the fact that most of them, are arbitrary and idios"m;ratic. A PROBLEM: PRONOUNS AND GENDER BIAS Pronouns and Their Referents We expect literate writers to make verbs agree with subjects: ,f Our reasons ARE based on solid evidence. We also expect their pronouns to agree with antecedents. Not this: Early efforts to oppose the hydrogen bomb failed because it ignored political issues. No one wanted to expose themselves to anti-Communist hysteria. But this: ,f Early efforts to oppose the hydrogen bomb failed because they ignored political issues. No one wanted to expose himself to anti- Communist hysteria. There are, however, two problems with making pronouns agree with their referents. First, do we use a singular or plural pronoun when referring to a noun that is singular in grammar but plural in meaning? For example, when we refer to singular nouns such as a group, committee, staff, administration, and so on, do we usc a singular or plural verb? Some writers use a singular verb and pronoun when the group acts as a single entity: ./ The committee HAS met but has not yet made its decision. But they use a plural verb and pronoun when its members act individually: ./ The faculty HAVE the memo, but not all of them have read it. These days plurals are irregularly used in both senses (but the plural is the rule in British English). 28 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Second, what pronoun do we use, it or they, to refer to pronouns such as someone, everyone, no one and to singular common nouns that signal no gender: teacher, doctor, student? We casually use they: Everyone knows they must answer for their actions. When a person is on drugs, it is hard to help them. Formal usage requires a singular pronoun: ./ Everyone realizes that he must answer for his actions. But that rule raises the problem of biased language. Gender and Biased Language Common sense demands that we don't gratuitously offend readers, but if we reject he as a generic pronoun because it's biased and they because some readers consider it ungrammatical, we are left with a lot of bad choices. Some writers choose a clumsy he or she; others choose a worse he/she or even s/he. If a writer ignores the ethnicity of his or her readers. slhe may rcspond in ways the writer would not expect to words that to him or her are innocent of bias. Some writers substitute plurals for singulars: ,/ When writers ignore their readers' ethnicity, they may respond in ways they might not expect to words that are to them innocent of bias. But in that sentence, they, their, and them are confusing, because they can refer to different referents, either writers or readers. And to the careful ear, a sentence with singular nouns and pronouns seems a shade more precise than one with plural nouns and pronouns. Compare the sentence above with this one: When a writer ignores his reader's ethnicity, his reader may respond in ways that he might not expect to words that are to him innocent of bias. We can try a first person we, I ./ If we ignore the ethnicity of our readers, they may respond in ways we would not expect to words that to us arc innocent of bias, But we can also be ambiguous. We could also try impersonal abstraction, out that creates its own problem: Failure to consider ethnicity may lead to unexpected responses to words considered innocent of bias. Lesson 2 Correctness 29 Finally, we can alternately use he and she, as I have. But that's not a perfect solution either, because some readers find she as stylistically intrusive as he/she. A reviewer in the New York Times, for example, wondered what to make of an author whom the reviewer charged with attempting to right history's wrongs to women by referring to random examples as "she," as in "Aska particle physicist what happens when a quark is knocked out of a proton, and she will tell you ... ,"which strikes this reader as oddly patronizing to women. (We might wonder how it strikes women who happen to he particle physicists.) For years to come, we'll have a problem with singular generic pronouns, and to some readers, any solution will be awkward. I suspect that eventually we will accept the plural they as a correct singular: ~ No one should tum in their writing unedited. Some claim that such compromises lead to lazy imprecision. Whatever the future, we have a choice now, and that's not a bad thing, because our choices define who we are. SUMMING Up We must write correctly, but if in defining correctness we ignore the difference between fact and folklore, we risk overlooking what is really important-the choices that make our writing dense and wordy or clear and concise. We are not precise when we merely get right the whiches and thats and avoid finalize and hopefully. Many who obsess on such details are oblivious to this more serious kind of imprecision: Too precise a specification of information processing requirements incurs the risk of overestimation resulting in unused capacity or inefficient use of costly resources or of underestimation leading to ineffectiveness or other inefficiencies. That means, ~ When you specify too precisely the resources you need to process information, you may overestimate. If you do, you risk having more capacity than you need or using costly resources inefficiently. Both are grammatically precise. but who would choose to read more of the first? 30 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace I suspect that those who observe all the rules all the time do so not because they want to protect the integrity of the language or the quality of our culture, but to assert a style of their own. Some of us are straightforward and plain speaking; others take pleasure in a bit of elegance, in a touch of fastidiously self-conscious "class." It is an impulse we should not scorn, so long as it is not a pretext to discriminate and is subordinate to the more important matters to which we now turn-the choices that define not "good grammar," but clarity and grace. A LIST OF REAL AND IMAGINED ERRORS Here is a list of the "errors" covered in this and the following lessons and the pages on which they are discussed. I it I ]! 'II lj !!I I , INDIVIDUAL WORD USAGE And, beginning a sentence, 17 Any, with singular verb, 23 Because, beginning a sentence, 17 Bur, beginning a sentence, 17 Fewer vs. less, 20 Finalize, 24 Hopefully, 24 Impact, as a verb, 24 Irregardless, 25 Like, subordinating conjunction, 24 None, with singular verb, 23 Perfect, modified, 25 Since, as causal conjunction, 17 That vs. which for relative clause, 18-20 They, as singular pronoun, 28-29 UThichvs. that for relative clause, 18-20 While, as concessive conjunction, 20-21 Who vs. whom, 21 GRAMMAR Coordination, faulty, 149-150 Coordination, incorrect, 149-150 Modifier, dangling, 66 Modifier, misplaced, 151 Parallelism, faulty, 149-150 Preposition, ending sentence, 22 Pronoun, referent agreement, 28-29 Split infinitive, 21 Subject-verb agreement, 27 Voice, shift in, 62-63 PUNCTUATION Apostrophe, use of, 257-258 Comma splice, 244 Comma, inappropriate, 248-257 Quotation marks, and marks of punctuation, 152-155 Semicolon, inappropriate, 248 Sentence fragment, 17, 246-247 Sentence, fused, 239 Sentence, run-on, 239 PART TWO Clarity Everything that can be thought at all can be thought clearly. Everything that can be said can be said clearly. -LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN It takes less time to learn to write nobly than to learn to write lightly and straightforwardly. -FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE Lesson 3 Actions Suit the action to the word, the word to the action. -WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, HAMUir, 3.2 [ am unlikely to trust a sentence that comes easily. -WILLIAM GASS 33 34 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace I '\ UNDERSTANDING THE PRINCIPLES OF CLARITY Making Judgments We have words enough to praise writing we like: clear, direct, concise, and more than enough to abuse writing we don't: unclear, indirect, abstract, dense, complex. We can use those words to distinguish these two sentences: la. The cause of our schools' failure at teaching basic skills is not understanding the influence of cultural background on learning. lb. Our schools have failed to teach basic skills because they do not understand how cultural background influences the way a child learns. Most of us would call (Ia) too complex, (Ib) clearer, more direct. But those words don't refer to anything in those sentences; they describe how those sentences make us feel. When we say that (Ia) is unclear, we mean that we have a hard time understanding it; we say it's dense when we struggle to read it. The problem is to understand what is in those two sentences that makes us feel as we do. Only then can we rise above our toogood understanding of our own writing to know when our readers will think it needs revising. To do that, you have to know what counts as a well-told story. (To profit from this lesson and the next three, you must be able to identify VERBS, SIMPLE SUBJECTS, and WHOLE SUBJECTS. See the Glossary.) Telling Stories About Characters and Their Actions This story has a problem: 2a. Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf'sjump out from hehind a tree occurred, causing her fright. We prefer something closer to this: ,/ 2b. Once upon a time, Lillie Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods, when the Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightened her. Most readers think (2b) tells its story more clearly than (2a), because it follows two principles: • Its main characters arc subjects of verbs . • Those verbs express specific actions. Lesson 3 Actions 35 Those two principles seem simple, but they need some explanation. Principle of Clarity 1: Make main characters subjects. Look at the subjects in (2a). The simple subjects (boldfaced) are not the main characters (italicized): Za. Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking place " on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf''sjump out from behind a tree occurred, causing her fright. The subjects in that sentence do not name its characters; they name actions expressed in the abstract NOUNS walk and jump: SUBrECT a walk through the woods the Wolf''sjump out from behind a tree VERB was taking place occurred The whole subject of occurred does have a character in it: the Wolf's jump, but the Wolf is only attached to the simple subject jump; it is not the subject. Contrast those abstract subjects with the concrete subjects (italicized and boldfaced) in (2b): 2b. Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods, when the Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightencdher. The subjects and the main characters are now the same words: SUBJECT/CHARACTER Little Red Riding Hood the Wolf' VERB was walking jumped Principle of Clarity 2: Make important actions verbs. Now look at how the actions and verbs differ in (2a): its actions are not expressed in verbs but in abstract nouns (actions are boldfaced; verbs are capitalized): Za. Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods WAS TAKING place on the prot of LittleRed Riding Hood, the Wolfsjump out from behind a tree OCCURRED, causing her fright. 36 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Note how vague the verbs are: was taking, occurred. In (2b), the clearer sentence, the verbs name specific actions: ./ 2b. Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood WAS WALKISG through the woods. when the Wolf JUMPED out from behind a tree and FRIGHTENED her. Here's the point: In (2a), the sentence that seems wordy and indirect, the two main characters, Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf, are not subjects, and their actions walk, jump, and fright-are not verbs. In (Zb) the more direct sentence, those two main characters are subjects and their main actions are verbs. That's why we prefer (2b). Fairy Tales and Writing for Grown-ups Writing in college or on the job may seem distant from fairy tales, but it's not, because most sentences tell stories. Compare these two: 3a. The Federalists' argument in regard to the destabilization of government by popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of factions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good . ./ 3b. The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that factions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. We can analyze those two sentences as we did the ones about Lit- tle Red Riding Hood and the Wolf. Sentence (3a) feels dense for two reasons. First, its characters are not subjects. Its simple subject is argument, but the characters are Federalists, popular democracy, government, and factions (characters are italicized; the simple subject is boldfaced): 3a. The Federalists' argument in regard to the destabilization of government by popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of factions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. Lesson 3 Actions 37 Second, most of the actions (boldfaced) are not verbs (capitalized), but rather abstract nouns (also boldfaced); Sa. The Federalists' argument in regard to the destabilization of government by popular democracy WAS BASED on their belief in the tendency of factions to FURTHER their self-interest at the expense of the common good. Notice the long whole subject of (3a) and how little meaning is expressed by its main verb was based: WHOLESUBJECT The Federalists' argument in regard to the destabilization of gpvemment by popular democracy was ! Readers think (3b) is clearer for two reasons: first, the actions (boldfaced) are verbs (capitalized): 3b. The Federalists ARGUED that popular democracy DESTABII.IZED government, because they BEliEVED that factions TENDED TO FURTHER their self-interest at the expense of the common good. Second, its characters (italicized) are subjects (boldfaced): jb. The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that factions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. Note that all those subjects are short and specific: VERB/ACTION to further In the rest of this lesson, we look at actions and verbs; in the next, at characters and subjects. I! , I :1 II 1',1 ;'1 , 38 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace VERBS AND ACTIONS Our principle is this: A sentence seems clear when its important actions are in verbs. Look at how sentences (4a) and (4b) express their actions. In (4a), actions (boldfaced) are not verbs (capitalized); they are nouns: 4a. Our lack of data PREVE.\ITED evaluation of UN actions in targeting funds to areas most in need of assistance. In (4b), on the other hand, the actions are almost all verbs: ,/ 4b. Because we LACKED data, we could not EVALUATE whether the UN HAD TARGETED funds to areas that most NEEDED ASSISTANCE. I'! Readers will think your writing is dense if you use lots of abstract nouns, especially those derived from verbs and ADJECTIVES. nouns ending in -tion, -tnent, -ence, and so on, especially when you make those abstract nouns the subjects ofverbs. A noun derived from a verb or adjective has a technical name: nominalinuion, The word illustrates its meaning: When we nominalize nominalize, we create the nominalization nominalization. Here are a few examples: We can also nominalize a verb by adding -zng (making it a GERUKD): VERB .... NOMINALIZATION ADJECTIVE .... NOMINALIZATION discover ~ discovery careless carelessness resist ~ resistance different ~ difference react ~ reaction proficient proficiency She flies --'t her flying We sang ~ our singing Some nominalizations and verbs are identical: hope --7 hope result -7 result repair ~ repair We REQUEST that you REVIEW the data. Our request IS that you DO a review of the data. (Some actions also hide out in adjectives: It is applicable -> it applies Some others: indicative, dubious, argumentative, deserving.i Lesson 3 Actions 39 No element of style more characterizes turgid writing, writing that feels abstract, indirect, and difficult, than lots of norninalizations, especially as the subjects of verbs. Here's thepoint: In grade school, we.learned that subjects are characters (or "doers") that verbs actions. That's often true: subject We d{)er verb discussed object the problem. this armosr synonymous sentence: But it is no' h"p The problem was of our discussion. doer action We move andactions around in a sentence, and subjects and verbs don't have to name any particular kind of thing at all. But when in most of your sentences you match characters to subjects and actions with verbs, readers are likely prose is clear, direct, and readable. Exercise 3.1 Analyze the subject/character and verb/action in these sentences: There is opposition among many voters to nuclear power plants based on a belief of their threat to human health. Many voters oppose nuclear power plants because they believe that such plants threaten human health. Exercise 3.2 If you aren't sure whether you can distinguish verbs, adjectives, and nominalizations, turn these verbs and adjectives into nominalizaticns, and the nominalizations into adjectives and verbs. Remem- ber that some verbs and nominalizations have the same form: Poverty predictably CAusessocial problems. Poverty ISa predictable cause of social problems. 40 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace analysis believe attempt conclusion evaluate suggest approach comparison define discuss expression failure intelligent thorough appearance decrease improve increase accuracy careful emphasize explanation description dear examine Exercise 3.3 Create sentences using verbs and adjectives from Exercise3.2. Then rewrite them using the corresponding nominalizations (keep the meaning the same). For example, using suggest discuss, and careful, write: f SUGGESTthat we DISCUSSthe issue CAREFULLY. Then rewrite that sentence into its nominalized form: My suggestion tsthat our discussion of the issue be done with care. Only when you see how a clear sentence can be made unclear will you understand why it seemed clear in the first place. DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION You can use the principles of verbs as actions and subjects as characters to explain why your readers judge your prose as they do. But more important, you can also use them to identify sentences that your readers would want you to revise, and then revise them. Revision is a three-step process: diagnose, analyze, rewrite. 1. Diagnose a. Ignoring short (four- or five-word) introductory phrases, underline the first seven or eight words in each sentence. The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations means the loss of jobs for many American workers. b. Then look for two things: • You underline abstract nouns as simple subjects (boldfaced). The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations means the loss of jobs for many American workers. Lesson 3 Actions 41 • You read seven, eight, or more words before getting to a verb. The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations (10 words) means the loss of jobs for many American workers. 3. Rewrite a. If the actions are nominalizations. make them verbs. h. Make the characters the subjects of those verbs. loss - lose American workers lose outsourcing - outsource corporations outsourcc c. Rewrite the sentence with SUBORDlNATING CONJUNCTIONS like because, it: when, although, why, how, whether, or thaI. ./ Many middle-class American workers are losing their jobs, because corporations are outsourcing their high-tech work to Asia. The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations means the loss of jobs for many American workers. a. Change the nominalization to a verb: 2. Analyze a. Decide who your main characters are, particularly flesh- and-blood (more about this in the next lesson). The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations means the loss of jobs [or many American workers. b. Then look for the actions that those characters perform, especially actions in nominalizations, those abstract nouns derived from verbs. 1. The nominalization is the subject of an empty verb such as be, seems, has, etc.: The intention of the committee IS to audit the records. Some Common Patterns You can quickly spot and revise five common patterns of nominalizations, intention - intend 42 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace b. Find a character that would be the subject of that verb: The intention of the committee is to audit the records. c. Make that character the subject of the new verb: ./ The committee INTENDS to audit the records. 2. The nominalization follows an empty verb: The agency CONDUCTED an investigation into the matter. a. Change the nominalization to a verb: investigation ---+investigate b. Replace the empty verb with the new verb: conducted ---+investigated ./ The agency INVESTIGATED the matter. 3. One nominaIization is the subject of an empty verb and a second nominaIization follows an empty verb: Our loss in sales WAS a result of their expansion of outlets. a. Revise the nominalizalions into verbs: loss -)0 lose expansion ---+expand b. Identify the characters that would be the subjects of those verbs: Our loss in sales was a result of their expansion of outlets. c. Make those characters subjects of those verbs: we losc they expand d. Link the new CLAUSES with a logical connection: • To express simple cause: because, since, when • To express conditional cause: if: provided that, so long as • To contradict expected causes: though, although, unless Our loss in sales was the result of their expansion of outlets ---+ We LOST sales ~ because ---+ they EXPANDED outlets J.esson 3 Anions 4. A nominalization follows there is or there are: There IS no need for our further study of this problem. a. Change the nominalization to a verb: need - ~ need study ~ study 43 i <I b. Identify the character that should be the subject of the verb: There is no need for our further study of this problem. c. Make that character the subject of the verb: no need -+ we need not our study -+ we study ./ WeNEED not STUDY this problem further. 5. Two or three nominalizations in a row are joined by prepositions: We did a review of the evolution of the brain. a. Turn the first nominalization into a verb: review -+ review b. Either leave the second nominalization as it is or tum it into a verb in a clause beginning with how or why: evolution of the brain -+ how the brain evolved ./ First, we REVIEWED the evolution of the brain . ./ First, we REVIEWED how the brain EVOLVED. QUICK TIP: When you start to revise a complicated sentence, it will probably fit one of these three patterns: X because 1; If X, then 1; Although X, Y. Think of the meaning of the sentence, then try out these patterns. i· I i~ . ,I 44 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace Some Happy Consequences When you consistently rely on verbs to express key actions, your readers benefit in many ways: 1. Your sentences are more concrete, because they will have concrete subjects and verbs. Compare: There WAS an affirmative decision for expansion . .I The Director DECIDED to EXPAND the program. 2. Your sentences are more concise. When you use nominalizations, you have to add articles like a and the and prepositions such as of, by, and in. You don't nccd them when you use vcrbs and conjunctions (italicized): A revision of the program WILL RESLLT in increases in our efficiency in the servicing of clients . .I If we REVISE the program, we CAN SERVE clients more EFFICIENTLY. 3. The logic of your sentences is clearer. When you nominalize verbs, you have to link actions with fuzzy prepositions and phrases such as of: by, and on the part of. But when you use verbs, you link clauses with precise subordinating conjunctions such as because, although, and if OUf more effective presentation of our study resulted in our success, despite an earlier start by others . .I Although others started earlier, we succeeded because we presented our study more effectively. 4. Your sentence tells a more coherent story. This next sequence of actions distorts their chronology. (The numbers refer to the real sequence of events.) Decisions" in regard to admtnistratton' of medication despite inability- of an irrational patient appearing I in a Trauma Center to provide legal consent' rest with the attending physician alone. When we revise those actions into verbs and reorder them, we get a more coherent narrative: .I When a patient appears' in a Trauma Center and behaves? so irrationally that he cannot legally consent! to treatment, only the attending physician can decide" whether to medicate' him. Lesson 3 Actions 45 A COMMON PROBLEM SOLVED You've probably had this experience: you think you've written something good, but your reader thinks otherwise. You wonder whether that person is just being difficult, but you bite your tongue and try to fix what should be clear to anyone who can read Dr. Seuss, When that happens to me (regularly, I might add), I almost always realize-eventually-that my readers are right, that they see where my writing needs work better than I do. Why are we so often right about the writing of others and so often wrong about our own? It is because we all read into our own writing what we want readers to get out of it. That explains why two readers can disagree about the clarity of the same piece of writing: a reader who knows its content better is likely to think the passage is more clearly written than is a reader who knows less about it. Both are right. Degrees of clarity are in the eye of more or less informed beholders. That is why we need to look at our own writing in a way that is almost mechanical, that sidesteps our roo-good understanding of it. The quickest way is to underline the first seven or eight words of every sentence. If you don't see in those words a character as a subject and a verb as a specific action, you have a candidate for revision. QUICK TIP: When you start revising a longer piece of work, look first at those passages that were hard to write because you didn't fully understand your ideas. We all tend to write badly when we're unsure about what we want to say or how to say it. Exercise 3.4 One sentence in each of these pairs is clear, expressing characters as subjects and actions as verbs; the other is indirect, with actions in nominalizations and characters often not in subjects. First,identify which is which. Then circle nominalizations and highlight verbs. If I I I .. I I I I 1.11 46 Style: LeSSOllS ill Clarity and Crace ,I, illl Ell I;il -m you are good at grammar, underline subjects. Then put a "c" over characters that seem to perform actions. 1a. Some people argue that atmospheric carbon dioxide does not elevate global temperature. 1b. There has been speculation by educators about the role of the family in improving educational achievement. 2a. Smoking during pregnancy may cause fetal injury. 2b. When we write concisely, readers understand easily. 3a. Researchers have identified the AIDS virus but failed to develop a vaccine to immunize those at risk. 3b. Attempts by economists at defining full employment have been met with failure. 4a. Complaints by editorial writers about voter apathy rarely offer suggestions about dispelling it. 4b. Although critics claim that children who watch a lot of television tend to become less able readers, no one has demon- strated that to be true. Sa. The lossof market share to Japan by domestic automakers resulted in the disappearance of hundreds of thousands of jobs. Sb. When educators discover how to usecomputer-assisted instruction, our schoolswill teach complex subjects more effectively. 6a. We need to know which parts of our national forests are being logged most extensively so that we can save virgin stands at greatest risk. 6b. There is a need for an analysis of library use to provide a reliable base for the projection of needed resources. 7a. Many professional athletes fail to realize that they are unprepared for life after stardom because their teams protect them from the problems that the rest of us adjust to every day. 7b. Colleges now have an understanding that yearly tuition increases are now impossible because of strong parental resistance to the soaring cost of higher education. Exercise 3.5 Now revisethe nominalized sentences in Exercise3.4 into sentences with verbs. Use its paired verbal version as a model. For example, if the verbal sentence begins with when. begin your revision with when: Sentence to revise: 2a. Smoking during pregnancy may lead to fetal injury. Lesson 3 Actions 47 Model: Your revision: 2b. When we WRITEconcisely, readers UNDERSTANDmore easily. 2a. When pregnant women SMOKE •. Exercise 3.6 Revise these next sentences so that the nominalizations are verbs and characters are their subjects. In (1) through (5), characters are italicized and nominalizations are boldfaced. 1. Lincoln's hope was for the preservation of the Union without war, but the South's attack on Fort Sumter made war an inevitability. 2. Attempts were made on the part of the president's aides to assert his immunity from a congressional subpoena. 3. There were predictions by businessexecutives that the economy would experience a quick revival. 4. Your analysis of my report omits any data in support of your criticism of my findings. 5. The health care industry's inability to exert cost controls could lead to the public's decision that congressional action is needed. In sentences 6 through 10, the agents are italicized; find the actions and revise. 6. A papal appeal was made to the world's rich nations for assistance to those facing the threat of African starvation. 7. Attempts at explaining increases in voter participation in this year's elections were made by several candidates. 8. The agreement by the classon the reading list was based on the assumption that there would be tests on only certain selections. 9. There was no independent business-sector study of the cause of the sudden increase in the trade surplus. 10. An understanding as to the need for controls over drinking on campus was recognized by fraternities. In 11 through 15, only the nominalizations are boldfaced; find or invent the characters and revise. 11. There is uncertainty at the CIA about North Korean intentions as to cessation of missile testing. 12. Physical conditioning of the team is the responsibility of the coaching staff. 13. Contradictions among the data require an explanation. 14. The Dean's rejection of our proposal was a disappointment but not a surprise because our expectation was that a decision had been made. 48 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 15. Their performance of the play was marked by enthusiasm but lacked intelligent staging. Exercise 3.7 Revise these sentences. At the end of each is a hint. For example: Congress's reduction of the deficit resulted in the decline of interest rates. [because] ./ Interest rates DECLINEDbecause Congress REDUCEDthe deficit. ! II I , 1. The use of models in teaching prose style does not result in improvements of clarity and directness in student writing. [Although we use ... ] 2. Precision in plotting the location of building foundations enhances the possibility of its accurate reconstruction. (When we precisely plot ... ] 3. Any departures by the members from established procedures may cause termination of membership by the Board. [If members ... ] 4. A student's lack of socialization into a field may lead to writing problems because of his insufficient understanding about arguments by professionals in that field. [When ... , ... , because ... ] 5. The successful implementation of a new curriculum depends on the cooperation of faculty with students in setting achievable goals within a reasonable time. [To implement ... , ... ] Two QUALIFICATIONS Useful Nominalizarions I have so relentlessly urged you to tum nominalizations into verbs that you might think you should never use one. But in fact, you can't write well without them. The trick is to know which to keep and which to revise. Keep these: . I 1. A nominalization as a short subject refers to a previous sentence: ./ These arguments aU depend on a single unproven claim . ./ This decision can lead to positive outcomes. Those nominalizations link one sentence to another in a cohesive now, an issue I'll discuss in more detail in Lesson 5. 2. A short nominalization replaces an awkward The fact that: Lesson 3 Actions 49 The fact that she ACKNOWLEDGED the problem impressed me. ~ Her acknowledgment of the problem impressed me. But then, why not this: .,/ She IMPRESSED me when she ACKKOWLEDGED the problem. 3. A nominalization names what would be the OBJECT of the verb: I accepted what she REQUESTED [that is, She requested something]. ~ I accepted her request. This kind of nominalization feels more concrete than an abstract one. However, contrast request above with this next sentence, where request is more of an action: Her request for assistance CAME after the deadline. ~ She REQUESTED assistance after the deadline. 4. A nominalization refers to a concept so familiar to your readers that to them, it is a virtual character (more about this in the next lesson): ~ Few problems have so divided us as abortion on demand. ~ The Equal Rights Amendment was an issue in past elections. .I Taxation without representation did not spark the American Revolution. Those nominalizations name familiar concepts: abortion on demand, amendment, election, taxation, representation, revolution. You must develop an eye for norninalizations expressing a common idea and those that you can revise into a verb: There is a demand for a repeal of the inheritance tax. ~ We DEMAND that Congress REPEAL the inheritance tax. Clarity, Not Sirnplernindedness Your readers want you to write clearly, but not in Dick-and-Jane sentences. This was written by a student aspiring to academic sophistication: After Czar Alexander II's emancipation of Russian serfs in 1861, many freed peasants chose to live on communes [or purposes of cooperation in agricultural production as well as for social stability. De- spite some communes' attempts at economic and social equalization , I , , i i I ,I 1 1 I I' " : I , ]', [I ! IIi 50 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace through the strategy of imposing low economic status on the peasants, which resulted in their reduction to near poverty, a centurieslong history of social distinctions even among serfs prevented social equalization. In his struggle to write clearly, he revised that paragraph into something that sounds as if it were written by a 12-year-old: In 1861, Czar Alexander 11 emancipated the Russian serfs. Many of them chose to live on agricultural communes. There they thought they could cooperate with one another in agricultural production. They could also create a stable social structure. The leaders of some of these communes tried to equalize the peasants economically and socially. As one strategy, they tried to impose on all a low economic status. That reduced them to near poverty. However, the communes failed to equalize them socially. This happened because even serfs had made social distinctions among themselves for centuries. Some argue that all sentences should be short, no more than 20 or so words, But most mature ideas are too complicated to express in Dick-and-Jane sentences. In Lessons 8 and 9 we look at ways to revise too-short, too-simple sentences into a style that is readable but still complex enough to communicate complex ideas. When that student applied those principles to his primer-style sentences, he revised again: After Russian serfs were emancipated by Czar Alexander 11in 1861, many chose to live on agricultural communes, hoping they could cooperate in working the land and establish a stable social structure. At first, some who led the communes tried to equalize the new peasants socially and economically by imposing on everyone a low economic status, a strategy that reduced them to near poverty. But the communes failed to equalize them socially because the serfs had for centuries observed their own social distinctions. Those sentences are long but clear, because the writer consistently aligned major characters with subjects and actions with verbs. SUMMING UP We can represent these principles graphically. As we read, we mentally integrate two levels of sentence structure. One is a Lesson 3 Actions 51 I I )1: I ,I Verb Subject Fixed 1 _ relatively fixed grammatical sequence of subject and verb (the empty box is for everything that follows the verb): The other level of sentence structure is based on its characters and their actions. They have no fixed order, but readers prefer them matched to subjects and verbs. We can graphically combine those principles: Fixed Subject I Verb I Variable Character Action Keep in mind that readers want to see characters not just ill a subject, as in these two: The presidents veto of the bill infuriated Congress. The veto of the bill by the president infuriated Congress. Instead, they want to see the character as the subject, like this: .I When the president subject VETOED verb the bill, he subject INFURIATED wrb Congress. When you frustrate those expectations, you make readers work harder than they should have to. So keep these principles in mind as you revise: 1. Express actions in verbs: The intention of the committee is improvement of morale. .I The committee Il\TENDS to improve morale. 2. Make the subjects of those verbs the characters associated with those actions. A decision by the dean in regard to the funding of the program by the department is necessary for adequate staff preparation . .I The staff CAN PREPARE adequately, only after the dean DECIDES whether the department WILL FUND the program. I ii S2 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Crace 3, Don't revise these nominalizations: a. They refer to a previous sentence: ./ These arguments all depend on a single unproven claim. b. They replace an awkward The fact that: The fact that she strenuously objected impressed me . ./ Her strenuous objections impressed me. c. They name what would be the object of a verb: I do not know what she INTENDS • ./ I do not know her intentions. d. Thcy name a concept so familiar to your readers that it is a virtual character: ,/ Few problems have so divided us as abortion on demand. ,/ The Equal Rights Amendment was an issue in past elections. Lesson 4 Characters Whatever is translatable in other and simpler words of the same language, without loss of sense or dignity, is bad. -SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE When character is lost, all is lost. -ANONYMOUS I I I, S3 54 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF CHARACTERS Readers think sentences are clear and direct when they see key ACTIONS in their VERBS. Compare (I a) with (I b): la. The CIA feared the president would recommend to Congress that it reduce its budget. 1b. The CIA had fears that the president would send a recommendation to Congress that it make a reduction in its budget. Sentence (I a) is a third shorter than (I b), but some readers don't think it's much clearer. But now compare (lb) and (l c): 1b. The CIA had fears that the president would send a recommendation to Congress that it make a reduction in its budget. l c. The fear of the CIA was that a recommendation from the president to Congress would be for a reduction in its budget. Every reader thinks that (lc) is less clear than either (I a) or (lb). The reason is this: In both (I a) and (lb), important characters are short, specific SUBJECTS of verbs (characters are italicized, subjects boldfaced, verbs capitalized): 1a. The CIA FEARED the president WOULD RECOMMEND to Congress that it REDUCE its budget. 1b. The CIA HAD fears that the president WOL'LD SEND a recommendation to Congress that it MAKE a reduction in its budget. But the two subjects in (I c) are not concrete characters, but abstractions (boldfaced). 1c. The fear of the CfA WAS that a recommendation from the president to Congress WOULD BE for a reduction in its budget. The different verbs in (I a) and (I b) make some difference, but the abstract subjects in (I c) make a bigger one. I Lesson 4 Characters Re·ad.en.want actions in verbs, but even more they w'mt characters as their subjects. We give readers a problem reason we do not name characters in delete them entirely, like this: l d. There was fear that there would be a recommendation for a budget reduction. Who fears? Who recommends? Who reduces? It is important to express actions in verbs, but the first principle of a clear style is this: Make the subjects of most of your verbs short, specific, and concrete-the main characters 55 DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION Finding and Relocating Characters To get characters into subjects, you have to know three things: 1. when you haven't done that 2. if you haven't, where you should look for characters 3. what you should do when you find them (or don't) For example, this sentence fccls indirect and impersonal. Governmental intervention in fast-changing technologies has led to the distortion of market evolution and interference in new product development. We can diagnose that sentence: I. Skim the first seven or eight words: Governmental intervention in fast-changing technologies has led to the distortion of market evolution and interference in new product development. In those first words, readers want to see characters as the subjects of verbs. But in that example, they don't. 2. Find the main characters. They may be POSSESSIVE PRONOUNS attached to OBJECTS of PREPOSITIONS (particularly by and of), or only implied. In that sentence, one main 'I I '.1 I ji; JI Ii t Ii " ',Ii : I , 56 Style:Lessons in Clarityand Grace character is in the ADJECTIVE governmental; the other, market, is in the object of a preposition: ofmarket evolution. 3. Skim the passage for actions involving those characters, particularly actions buried in nominalizations. Ask Who is doing what? governmental intervention ~ distortion ~ market evolution interference development government intervenes [government} distorts markets evolve [government] interferes [market]develops To revise, reassemble those new subjects and verbs into a sentence, using COKJUNCTlONS such as if, although, because, when, how, and why: .I When a government INTERVENES in fast-changing technologies, it DISTORTS how markets EVOLVE or INTERFERES with their ability to DEVELOP new products. Be aware that just as actions can be in adjectives (reliable -) rely), so ean characters: Medieval theological debates often addressed issues considered trivial by modern philosophical thought. When you find a character implied in an adjective, revise in the same way: .I Medieval theologians often debated issues that modem philosophers consider trivial. Here's the jJQint: The first step in diagnosing your style is to look at your subjects. If you do not see your main characters there expressed in a few short, concrete words, you have to look for them. They can be in objects of prepositions, in possessive pronouns, ,((.lr in .adjectives. Once you find them, look for actions they are involved in. Then make those characters the subjects of verbs naming those actions. I Lesson 4 Characters 57 Reconstructing Absent Characters Readers have the biggest problem with sentences devoid of all characters: A decision was made in favor of doing a study of the disagreements. That sentence could mean either of these, and more: Wedecided that I should study why they disagreed. I decided that you should study why he disagreed. The writer may know who is doing what, but readers might not and so usually need help. Sometimes we omit characters to make a general statement. Research strategies that look for more than one variable arc of more use in understanding factors in psychiatric disorder than strategies based on the assumption that the presence of psychopathology is dependent on a single gene or on strategies in which only one biological variable is studied. But when we try to revise that into something dearer, we have to invent characters, then decide what to call them. Do we use one or we; or name a generic "doer"? ./ Hone/we/researchers are to understand what causes psychiatric disorder; one/we/they should use research strategies that look for more than one variable rather than assume that a single gene is responsible for psychopathology or adopt a strategy in which one/we/they study only one biological variable. To most of us, one feels stiff, but we may be ambiguous because it can refer just to the writer, or to the writer and others but not the reader, or to the reader and writer but not others, or to everyone. But if you avoid both nominalizations and vague pronouns, yOucan slide into PASSIVE verbs (I'll discuss them in a moment): To understand what makes patients vulnerable to psychiatric disorders, strategies that look [or more than one variable SHOULD BE USED rather than strategies in which it IS ASSUMED that a gene causes psychopathology or only one biological variable IS STUDIED. In some cases, characters are so remote that you have to start over: There are good reasons that account [or the lack of evidence . ./ J can explain why I have found no evidence. I.. ,.. 111 I i )il 1111 III .,, II! I,' , , 58 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace QUICK TIP: When you are explaining a complicated issue to someone involved in it, imagine sitting across the table [rom that person, saying you as often as you can: Taxable intangible property includes financial notes and municipal bonds. A one-time tax of 2% on its value applies to this property. ,/' You have to pay tax on your intangible property, including your financial notes and municipal bonds. On this property, you pay a one-time tax of 2%. If you seems not appropriate, change it to a character that is: Taxpayers have to pay tax on their intangible property, including their financial notes and municipal bonds. They pay ... Abstractions as Characters So lar; I've discussed characters as if they had to be flesh-and-blood people. But you can tell stories whose main characters are abstractions, including nominalizations, so long as you make them the subjects of a series of sentences that tell a story. Here's a story about a character called freedom of speech, two nominalizations . ./ No right is more basic to a free society than freedom of speech. Free speech served the left in the 1960s when it protested the Vietnam War, and it is now used by the light when it claims that speech includes contributions to political organizations. The doctrine of free speech has been embraced by all sides to protect themselves against those who would silence unpopular views. As a legal concept, it arose ... The phrase freedom of speech (or its equivalents [ree speech and it) is a virtual character because we are so familiar with it and because it is the subject of a series of sentences and is involved in actions such as served, is used, has been embraced, and arose. But when you do use abstractions as characters, you can create a problem. A story about an abstraction as familiar as free speech is clear enough, but if you surround a less familiar abstract character with a lot of other abstractions, readers may feel tbat ',II your writing is dense and complex. For example, few of us are familiar with prospective and immediate intention, so most of us are likely to struggle witb a story about them, especially when those terms are surrounded by Lesson 4 Characters 59 other abstractions (actions are boldfaced; human characters are italicized): The argument is this. The cognitive component of intention exhibits a high degree of complexity. Intention is temporally divisible into two: prospective intention and immediate intention. The cognitive function of prospective intention is the representation of a subjects similar past actions, his current situation, and his course of future actions. That is, the cognitive component of prospective intention is a plan. The cognitive function of immediate intention is the monitoring and guidance of ongoing bodily movement. -Myles Brand, Intending and Acting We can make that passage clearer if we tell it from the point of view of flesh-and-blood characters (they are italicized; "denominalized" verbs are boldfaced and capitalized): ./ 1 ARGUE this about intention. It has a complex cognitive component of two temporal kinds: prospective and immediate. 'Weuse prospective intention to REPRESENT how we have ACTED in our past and present and how we will ACT in the future. That is, we use the cognitive component of prospective intention to help us PLAN. We use immediate intention to MONITOR and GUIDE our bodies as we MOVE them. But have I made this passage say something that the writer didn't mean? Some argue that any change in form changes meaning. In this case. the writer might offer an opinion, but only his readers could decide whether the two passages have different meanings, because at the end of the day, a passage means only what a careful and competent reader thinks it does. Here'sthepoint: Most readers want the subjects of verbs to name the main characters in a story and those main characters to be flesh-and-blood. But often, you must write about abstractions. When you do, tum them into virtual characters by II'aking them the subjects of verbs that tell a story. If readers :It'e familiar with your abstractions, no problem. But when they are not, avoid using lots other abstract nominalizations around them. When you revise an abstract passage, you may have a problem if the hidden characters are "people in general." You can try we or a general whoever is doing the action, "such one" and so on. But the fact is, unlike many other languages, English has no naming a generic "doer;" .i " I ! II I, 60 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Exercise 4.1 Before you revise these next sentences, diagnose them. Look at the first six or seven words (ignore short introductory phrases). Then revise so that each has a specific character as subject of a specific verb. To revise, you may have to invent characters. Use we, I, or any other word that seems appropriate. 1. In recent years, the appearance of new interpretations about the meaning of the discovery of America has led to a reassessment of Columbus's place in Western history. 2. Decisions about forcibly administering medication in an emergency room setting despite the inability of an irrational patient to provide legal consent is usually an on-scene medical decision. 3. Tracing transitions in a well-written article provides help in efforts at improving coherence in writing. 4. Resistance has been growing against building mental health facilities in residential areas because of a belief that the few examples of improper management are typical. 5. With the decline in network television viewing in favor of cable and rental DVOs, awareness is growing at the networks of a need to revise programming. CHARACTERS AND PASSIVE VERBS More than any other advice, you probably remember Write in the active voice, not in the passive. That's not bad advice, but it has exceptions. When you write in the active voice, you typically put • the agent or source of an action in the subject t • the goal or receiver of an action in a DIRECT OBJECT: :.1 subject Active: 1 character/agent vern lost action object the money goal The passive differs in three ways: 1. The subject names the goal of the action. 2. A.form of be precedes a vcrb in its PAS']"PAR']"ICIPLEform. Lesson 4 Characters 61 3. The agent or source of the action is in a by-phrase or dropped entirely: subject be + verb prepositional phrase Passive: The money was lost [by me]. goal action character/agent The terms active and passive, however, are ambiguous, because they can refer not only to those two grammatical constructions but to how a sentence makes you {eel. We can a sentence passive if it feels flat, regardless of whether its verb is actually in the passive voice. For example, compare these two sentences. Wecan manage the problem if we control costs. Problem management requires cost contra]. Grammatically, both sentences are in the active voice, but the second feels passive, for three reasons: • Neither of its actions-management and control-are verbs; both are abstract nominalizations. • The subject is problem management, an abstraction. • The sentence lacks flesh-and-blood characters entirely. To understand why we respond to those two sentences as we do, we have to distinguish the literal meanings of active and passive from their figurative, impressionistic meanings. In what follows, I discuss grammatical passives. Choosing between Active and Passive Some critics of style tell us to avoid the passive everywhere because it adds a couple of words and often deletes the agent, the "doer" of the action. But in fact, the passive is often the better choice. To choose between active and passive, you have to answer three questions: t 1. Must your readers know who is responsible for the action? Often, we don't say who does an action, because we don't know or readers won't care. For example, we naturally choose the passive in these sentences: ,/ The president WAS RUMORED to have considered resigning . ./' Those who ARE FOUND guilty can BE FINED. ,/ Valuable records should always BE KEPT in a safe. !i II 'I·,' " I' ; ! I , II iii' I' I I , ~ ! 62 Style: J..eSS0I1S in Clarity and Grace If we do not know who spread rumors, we cannot say, and no one doubts who finds people guilty or fines them or who should keep records safe. So those passives are the right choice. Sometimes, of course, writers use the passive when they don't want readers to know who did an action, especially when the doer is the writer. For example, Because the test was not done, the flaw was uncorrected. I will discuss the issue of intended impersonality in Lesson 12. 2. Would the active or passive verb help your readers move more smoothly from one sentence to the next? We depend on the beginning of a sentence to give us a context of what we know before we follow the sentence to read what's new. A sentence confuses us when it opens with information that is new and unexpected. For example, in this next short passage, the subject of the second sentence gives us new and complex information (boldfaced), before we read more familiar information that we recall from the previous sentence (italicized); We must decide whether to improve education in the sciences alone or to raise the level of education across the whole curriculum. The weight given to industrial competitiveness as opposed to the value we attach to the liberal arts new information WILL D E T E R ~ I N E active verb our decision. familiar information In the second sentence, the verb determine is in the active voice, will determine our decision. But we could read the sentence more easily if it were passive, because the passive would put the short, familiar information (our decision) first and the new and complex information last, the order we all prefer; ./ We must decide whether to improve education in the sciences alone or raise the level of education across the whole curriculum. Our decision familiar information \\-lLL BE D E T E R M I ~ E D passive verb by the weight we give to industrial competiveness as opposed to the value we attach to the liberal arts. new information I discuss where to put old and new information in a sentence in the next lesson. 3. Would the active or passive give readers a more consistent and appropriate point of.view? The writer of this next passage reports the end of World War IT in Europe from the point of Lesson 4 Characters 63 view of the Allies. To do so, she uses active verbs to make the Allies a consistent sequence of subjects: ./ By early 1945, the Allies HAD essentially DEFEATED active Germany; all that remained was a bloody climax. Ameri.can, French, British, and Russian [orces HAD BREACHED active its borders and WERE BOMBING active it around the clock. But they HAD not yet W DEVASTATED active Germany as to destroy its ability to resist. But had she wanted to explain history from the point of view of Germany, she would have used passive verbs to make Germany the subject/character: ./ By early 1945, Germany HAD essentially BEEN DEFEATED; passive all that remained was a bloody climax. its borders HAD BEEN BREACHED, passive and it WAS BEI:-.IG BOMBED passive around the clock. It HAD not BEEN so DEVASTATED, passive however; that it could not RESIST. Some writers switch from one character to another for no apparent reason. Avoid this: By early 1945,the Allies had essentially defeated Germany. Its borders had been breached, and they were bombing it around the clock. Gennany was not so devastated, however, that the Allies would meet with no resistance. Though Germany's population was demoralized, the Allies still attacked German cities from the air. Pick a point of view and stick to it. Fl,,.-,,'. thepoint: Many writers use verb too ten, but it has important uses. it in ,·h.,<p contexts: • You don't know who did an don't care, or you don't want them to know. • You want to shift a long and complex bundle of information to the end of its sentence, especially when it also lets you move to its beginning a chunk of information that is shorter, more familiar, and therefore to understand. want to focus on an- .1 Ii i! 64 Stvle: LeSSOIlS lit Ckuirv and Grace Exercise 4.2 In the following, change all active verbs into passives, and all passivesinto actives. Which sentences improve? Which do not? (In the first two, active verbs that could be passive are italicized; verbs already passiveare boldfaced.) 1. Independence is gained by those on welfare when skills are learned that the marketplace values. 2. Different planes of the painting are noticed, becausetheir colors are set against a background of shadesof gray that are laidon in layersthat cannot be seen unlessthe surface isexamined closely. 3. In this article, it is argued that the Vietnam War was fought to extend influence in Southeast Asia and was not ended until it was made clear that the United States could not defeat North Vietnam unlessatomic weapons were used. 4. Scienceeducation will not be improved in this nation to a level sufficient to ensure that American industry will be supplied with skilled workers and researchers until more money is provided to primary and secondary schools. 5. The first part of Bierce's" An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" is presented in a dispassionate way. In the first paragraph, two sentinels are described in detail. but the line, "It did not appear to be the duty of these two men to know what was occurring at the center of the bridge" takes emotion away from them. In paragraph 2, a description isgiven of the surroundings and spectators, but no feeling is betrayed becausethe language used is neutral and unemotional. This entire section ispresented asde- void of emotion even though it isfilled with details. The "Objective" Passive vs. I/We Some scholarly writers claim that they should not use a first- person subject, because they need to create an objective point of view, something like this: Based on the writers' verbal intelligence, prior knowledge, and essay scores, their essays were analyzed for structure and evaluated for richness of concepts. The subjects were then divided into a high- or low-ability group. Half of each group was randomly assigned to a treatment group or to a placebo group. Contrary to that claim, academic and scientific writers use the active voice and the first-person I and we regularly. These next passages come from articles in respected joumals: I JI' t Lesson 4 Characters 65 ./ This paper is concerned with two problems. How can we best handle in a transformational grammar certain restrictions that ... , To illustrate, we may cite ... , we shall show ... ./ Since the pituitary-adrenal axis is activated during the acute phase response, we have investigated the potential role ... Specifically, we have studied the effects of interleukin-l ... Here are the first few words from several consecutive sen- lences from Science, a journal of great prestige: ./ We examine ... , We compare .. " We have used ... , Each has been weighted ... , We merely take ... , They are subject ... , We use .. " Efron and Morris describe .. 0' We observed ... , We might find ... -c-John P. Gilbert, Bucknam McPeek, and Frederick Mosteller, "Statistics and Ethics in Surgery and Anesthesia," Science It is nol true that academic writers always avoid the first person Iorwe. Passives, Characters, and Metadiscoursc When academic writers do use the first person, however, they use it in certain ways. Look at the verbs in the passages above. There are two kinds: • One kind refers to research activities: study, investigate, examine, observe, use. Those verbs are usually in the passive voice: The subjects were observed . . . • The other kind of verb refers not to the subject matter or the research, but to the writer's own writing and thinking: cite, show, inquire. These verbs are often active and in the first person: We will show . . . They are examples of what is called METADISCOURSE. Metadiscourse is the language you use when you refer not to the substance of your ideas, but to yourself, your reader; or your writing: o your thinking and act of writing: Well will explain, show, ar- t gue, claim, deny, suggest, contrast, add, expand, summarize . . . o your readers' actions: consider now, as you recall, look at the next example . . . o the logic and form of what you have written: first, second; to begin; therefore, however, consequently . . . ,' I II ,I I II I " I 66 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Metadiscourse appears most often in introductions, where writers announce their intentions: I claim that . . ., I will show . . ., We begin by ... , and again at the end, when they summarize: I have argued . . "I I have shown " .. On the other hand, scholarly writers usc the first person less often to describe specific actions they performed as part of their research. We rarely find passages like this: To determine if monokines elicited an adrenal steroidogenic response, I ADDED preparations of ... The writer of the original sentence used a passive verb, were added, to name an action that anyone can perform, not just the writer: To determine if monokincs elicited a response, preparations """ WERE ADDED. A passive sentence like that, however, can create a problem: its writer dangled a modifier. You dangle a modifier when an introductory phrase has an implied subject that differs from the explicit subject in the following or preceding CLAUSE. In that example, the implied subject of the INFINITIVE VERB determine is I or we: I determine or we determine. [So that I could] determine if monokines elicited a response, preparations \"lERE ADDED. But that implied subject, I, differs from the explicit subject of the clause it introduces-preparations were added. When the two differ, the modifier dangles. Writers of scientific prose use this paltern so often, though, that it has become standard usage in their community. We might note that this impersonal "scientific" style is a modcrn development. In his "New Theory of Light and Colors" (1672), Sir Isaac Newton wrote this charming first-person account of an experiment: I procured a triangular glass prism, to try therewith the celebrated phenomena of colors. And for that purpose, having darkened my laboratory, and made a small hole in my window shade, to let in a convenient quantity of the sun's light, I placed my prism at the entrance, thal the light might he thereby refracted to the opposite wall. It was at first a very pleasing diversion to view the vivid and intense colors produced thereby. I '\ j, ji I Lesson 4 Characters 67 QUICK TIP: Some teachers prohibit the use of J everywhere in the writing of their students not because it is wrong, but because inexperienced writers begin too many sentences with J think . . ., J believe . . " and so on. Others forbid I because they want to discourage students from writing a narrative account of their thinking: First J read . . ., Then J considered . . . On those two occasions, follow their advice. Here's thepoint: Some writers and editors first person by using the passive everywhere, but deleting an I or we doesn't make a researcher's thinking more objective. We know that behind those impersonal sentences. are still f1esh- and-blood people doing, thinking, and Writing. In fact, the first-person I and we are common in scholarly prose when used with verbs that name actions unique to the writer. Exercise 4.3 The verbs in 1through 4 below are passive, but two could be active because they are metadiscourse verbs that would take first-person subjects. Revise the passive verbs that should be changed into active verbs. Then go through each sentence again and revise nominalizations into verbswhere appropriate. 1. It is believed that a lack of understanding about the risks of alcohol is a cause of student bingeing. 2. The model has been subjected to extensive statistical analysis. 3. Successin exporting more crude oil for hard currency is suqgested here as the cause of the improvement of the Russian economy. 4, The creation of a database isbeing considered, but no estimate has been made in regard to the potential of its usefulness. The verbs in 5 through 8 are active, but some of them should be passive because they are not metadiscourse verbs. Revise in other lays that seem appropriate. 5. In Section IV,I argue that the indigenous peoples engaged in overcultivation of the land leading to its exhaustion as a food- producing area, '·1 1 68 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 6. Our intention in this book isto help readers achieve an understanding not only of the differences in grammar between Arabic and English but also the differences in worldview as reflected by Arabic vocabulary. 7. To make an evaluation of changesin the flow rate, J made a comparison of the current rate with the original rate on the basisof figures I had compiled with figures that Jordan had collected. 8. We performed the tissue rejection study on the basisof methods developed with our discoveryof increasesin dermal sloughing asa result of cellular regeneration. Exercise 4.4 In these sentences, change passive verbs into actives only where you think it will improve the sentence. If necessary,invent a rhetorical situation to account for your choice of active or passive.(Differ- ent answers are correct for this one.) 1. Your figures were analyzed to determine their accuracy. Results will be announced when it is thought appropriate. 2. Home mortgage loans now are made for thirty years. With the price of housing at inflated levels, those loans cannot be paid off in a shorter time. 3. The author's impassioned narrative style is abandoned and a cautious treatment of theories of conspiracy is presented. But when the narrative line is picked up again, he investshis prose with the same vigor and force. 4. Many arguments were advanced against Darwinian evolution in the nineteenth century becausebasicassumptionsabout our place in the world were challenged by it. No longer were humans defined asprivileged creatures but rather as a product of natural forces. S. For many years, federal regulations concerning wiretapping have been enforced. Only recently have looser restrictionsbeen imposed on the circumstancesthat warrant it. In these sentences, change passivesto actives where appropriate and change nominalizations into verbs. Invent characters where necessary. 6. It ismy belief that the social significance of smoking receives its clearest explication through an analysis of peer interaction among adolescents. In particular, studies should be made of the manner in which interactive behavior isconditioned by social class. 'f ; i I i I Lesson 4 Characters 69 7. These directives are written in a style of maximum simplicity as a result of an attempt at more effective communication with employees with limited reading skills. 8. The ability of the human brain to arrive at solutions to human problems hasbeen undervalued becausestudies have not been done that would be considered to have scientific reliability. Exercise 4.5 The excerpt below is from an actual letter from the chancellor of a state university to parents of students. Except for the second word, you, why is the first part so impersonal? Why is the last part more personal? Change the first part so that you name in subjectswhoever performs an action. Then change the second part to eliminate all characters. How do the two parts now differ? Have you improved the letter? This exercise raisesthe question of deliberate misdirection, an issuewe'll cover in Lesson12. As you probably have heard, the U of X campus has been the scene of a number of incidents of racial and sexual harassment over the last several weeks. The fact that similar incidents have occurred on campusesaround the country does not make them any less offensive when they take place here. Of the ten to twelve incidents that have been reported since early October, most have involved graffiti or spoken insults. In only two cases was any physicalcontact made, and in neither casewas anyone injured. U of X is committed to providing its students with an environment where they can live, work, and study without fear of being taunted or harassedbecauseof their race, gender, religion, or ethnicity. J have made it clear that bigotry and intolerance will not be permitted and that U of X's commitment to diversity isunequivocal. We are alsotaking stepsto improve security in campus housing, We at U of X are proud of this university's tradition of diversity . . . NOUN + NOUN + NOUN One more stylistic choice does not directly involve characters and actions, but we discuss it here because it can distort the match 'I if /1 I h "I '1,1 1:\ I I !I 70 Style:Lessons ill Clarityand Grace that readers expect between the form of an idea and the grammar of its expression. It is the long COMPOUND NOUK phrase: Earl)' childhood thought disorder misdiagnosis often results from unfamiliarity with recent research literature describing such condinons. This paper is a review of seven recent studies in which arc findings of particular relevance to pre-adolescent hyperactivity diagnosis and to treanncut modalities involving medication maintenance level evaluafirm procedures. Some grammarians claim we should never modify one noun with another, but that would rule out common phrases such as stone wall, student center, space shuttle, and many other useful terms. But strings of nouns feel lumpy, so avoid them, especially ones you invent. When you find a compound noun of your own invention, revise, especially when it includes norninaiizations. Reverse the order of words and find prepositions (0 connect them: 2 early childhood misdiagnose disordered 5 4 3 thought thought 3 4 5 disorder misdiagnosis in early childhood 2 Re-assembled, it looks like this: Physicians misdiagnose! disordered! thought? in young! children- be- cause they are unfamiliar with recent litera lure on the subject. Exercise 4.6 Revisethe compound noun phrases in 1through 4. 1. The plant safety standards committee discussed recent air quality regulation announcements. 2. Diabetic patient blood pressure reduction may be brought about by renal depressor application. 3. The goal of this article is to describe text comprehension processes and recall protocol production. 4. On the basis of these principles, we may now attempt to formulate narrative information extraction rules. In these, unpack compound nouns and revise nominalizations. 5. This paper is an investigation into information processing behavior involved in computer human cognition simulation. Lesson 4 Characters 71 6. Enforcement of guidelines for new automobile tire durability must be a Federal Trade Commission responsibility. 7. The Social Security program is a monthly income floor guarantee based on a lifelong contribution schedule. 8. Basedon training needs assessment reviews and on office site visits, there was the identification of concepts and issuesthat can be used in our creation of an initial staff questionnaire instrument. A LAST POINT: THE PROFESSIONAL VOICE Every group expects its members to show that they accept its values by adopting its distinctive voice. The apprentice banker must learn not only to think and look like one, but to speak and write like one, as well. Too often, though, aspiring professionals think they join the club only when they write in the club's most complex technical language. It is an exclusionary style that erodes the trust a civil society depends on, especially in a world where information and expertise are now the means to power and control. It is true that some research can never be made dear La merely intelligent lay readers-out less often than many researchers think. Here is an excerpt from Talcott Parsons, a social scientist who was as inl1uenlial in shaping his field as he was notorious for the opacity of his prose. Apart from theoretical conceptualization there would appear to be no method of selecting among the indefinite number of varying kinds or factual observation which can be made about a concrete phenomenon or field so that the various descriptive statements about it articulate into a coherent whole, which constitutes an "adequate:' a "determinate" description. Adequacy in dcscnpnon is secured insofar as determinate and verifiable answers can be given to all the scientifically important questions involved. What questions are important is largely determined by the logical structure of the generalized conceptual scheme which, implicitly or explicitly, is employed. We can make that clearer to moderately well-educated readers: When scientists lack a theory, they have no way to select [rom everything they could say about a subject only that which they can fit into a "herent whole that would be "adequate" or "determinate." Scientists describe something "adequately" only when they can verify answers to , Ij 72 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace questions they think are important, and they decide what questions are important based on their implicit or explicit theories. And we could make even it more concise: Whatever you describe, you need a theory to fit its parts into a whole. You need a theory to decide even what questions to ask and to verify their answers. My versions lose the nuances of Parsons's style, but his excruciating density numbs all but his most masochistically dedicated readers. Most readers would accept the tradeoff. HereJs the point: Whether you are a reader or a writer; you must understand three things about a style that seems complex: It may be complex to express complex ideas precisely. • It may needlessly complicate simple ideas. • It may needlessly complicate complex ideas. Einstein said that everytbing should made as simple as possible, hut no simpler. Neither should anything be made more complex than necessary. As a writer, your must recognize when you have committed that gratuitous complexity and. if you can. to revise it. When you do, you follow the Writer's Golden Rule: Write to you would others write to you. SUMMING UP l. Readers judge prose to be clear when subjects of sentences name characters and verbs name actions. I Fixed Variable Subject Character I Verb Action I Lesson 4 Characters 73 2. If you tell a story in which you make abstract nominalizations its main characters and subjects, use as few other nominalizations as you can: A nominalization is a replacement of a verb by a noun, often resulting in displacement of characters from subjects by nouns. .I When a norninaiization REPLACES a verb with a noun, it often DISPLACES characters from subjects. 3. Use a passive if the agent of an action is self-evident: The voters REELECTED the president with 54 percent of the vote . .I The president WAS RBELECTED with 54 percent of the vote. 4. Use a passive if it lets you replace a long subject with a short one: Research demonstrating the soundness of our reasoning and the need for action SUPPORTED this decision. ,/ This decision WAS SUPPORTED BY research demonstrating the soundness of our reasoning and the need for action. 5. Use a passive if it gives your readers a coherent sequence of subjects: .I By early 1945, the Axis nations had BEEN essentially DEFEATED; all that remained was a bloody climax. The German borders had BEES BREACHED, and both Germany and Japan were being bombed around the clock. Neither country, though, had BEEN so DEVASTATED that it could not RESIST. 6. Use an active verb if it is a metadiscourse verb: The terms of the analysis must BE DEFINED. tI We must DEFINE the terms of the analysis. 7. When possible, rewrite long compound noun phrases: Wediscussed the board I candidate' review' meeting" schedule' . .I We discussed the schedules of meetings" to review! candidates! for the board', I. Ii. II Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence If he would inform, he must advance regularlyfrom Things known to things unknown, distinctly without Confusion, and the lower he begins the better. It is a common Fault in Writers, to allow their Readers too much knowledge: They begin with that which should be the Middle, aHdskipping backwards and forwards, 'tis impossible for anyone but he who is perfect in the Subject before. to understand their Work, and such al1 one has no Occasion to read it. -BENJAMIN FRANKLIN The two capital secrets in the art ofprose composition are these: first, the philosophy ol transition and connection; or the art by which one step in an evolution ofthought is made to arise out o{another: all fluent and effective composition depends on the connections; secondly, the way in which sentences are made to modiiy each other; for the most powerful ef{ects in written eloquence arise out ol this reverberation, as it were, [rom each other in a rapid succession oisentences. -THOMAS DE QCINCEY 74 Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence 75 UNDERSTANDING COHERENCE So far, I've discussed clarity as if we could achieve it just by mapping CHARACTERS and ACTIONS onto SUBJECTS and VERBS. But readers need more than individually clear sentences before they think a whole passage Seems coherent. Tbese two passages, for example, say much the same thing but feel very different: 1a. The basis of our American democracy-equal opportunity for all-is being threatened by college costs that have been rising fast for the last several years. Increases in family income have been significantly outpaced by increases in tuition at our colleges and universities during that period. Only the children of the wealthiest families in our society will be able to afford a college education if this trend continues. Knowledge and intellectual skills, in addition to wealth, will divide us as a people, when that happens. Equal opportunity and the egalitarian basis of our democratic society could be eroded by such a divide . ./ lb. In the last several years, college costs have been rising so fast that they are now threatening the basis of our American democracy--cqual opportunity for all. During that period, tuition has significantly outpaced increases in family income. If this trend continues, a college education will soon be affordable only by the children of the wealthiest familles in our society. When that happens, we will be divided as a people not only by wealth, but by knowledge and intellectual skills. Such a divide will erode equal opportunity and the egalitarian basis of our democratic society. The first seems choppy, evcn disorganized; the second seems to "hang together" better. But like the word clarity, the words choppy and disorganized refer not to anything on the page, but to how the words orr the page make us feel. What is it about the arrangement of words in (La) that makes us feel we are moving through it in fits and starts? Why does (l b) seem to flow more easily? We base those judgments on two aspects of word order: • We judge sequences of serrtences to be cohesive depending on how each sentence ends and the next begins. • We judge a whole passage to be coherent depending orr how all the serrtences in a passage cumulatively begin. I'll discuss cohesion and orre kind of coherence irr this lesson, then say more about coherence in Lesson 11. i I I , I " I ,II , " II , I I 76 Style: LeSS01JS in Clarity and Grace COHESION: A SENSE OF FLOW In Lesson 4, we devoted a few pages (62-63) to that familiar advice, Avoid PASSIVES, If we always did, we would choose the ACTIVE verb in sentence (Za) below over the passive in (Zb): 2a. The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble CREATES active a black hole. 2b. A black hole IS CREATED passive by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. But we might choose otherwise when we put those sentences between these two: 'Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. latb[ ]. 3S 0 much matter compressed into so.little volume changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways. Here's the active sentence there: l a. 'Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. "The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a black hole. 3S 0 much matter compressed into so little volume changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways. And here's the passive: 1b. 'Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. lbA black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. 3S 0 much matter compressed into so little volume changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways. Our sense of "flow" calls not for (2a), the sentence with the active verb, but for (2b), the one with the passive. The reason is clear: the last four words of the first sentence introduce an important character-black holes in space: 'Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. Lesson 5 Cohesion .10dCoherence 77 If we follow it with sentence (2a), the first concepts we hit are collapsed stars and marbles, information that seems to come out of nowhere: 1••• universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. 2aThe collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates ... But if we follow sentence (1) with (2b), the sentence with the passive verb, we connect those sentences more smoothly, because now the first words in (2b) repeat what we just read at the end of (1): I ... studying black holes in space. 2bA black hole is created by the collapse of Note too that the passive also lets us put at the end of sentence (2b) words that connect it to the beginning of sentence (3): . blackholes in space. 2bA black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. 350 much matter compressed into so little volume changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways. Here's thepoint: Sentences are' cohes"ive words of one set up information words of the next, That's what gives flow, And in fact, that's the biggest reason the language: to let us arrange sentences so they from one to the next easily. We can integrate that insight our principles about subject and characters, and verbs Fixed I ~ , , , ~ , Fixed . , , , h ' ~ t Action I II Ii I I 78 Style: [.RSSOI1S ill Clarity and Grace Diagnosis and Revision That principle of reading suggests two principles of writing. They are mirror images of each other. The first is this: 1. Begin sentences with infonnation familiar to your readers. Readers get that familiar information from two sources: first, they remember words from the sentence they just read. That's why the beginning of sentence (Zb) about black holes coheres with the end of (I) and why the beginning of (3) coheres with the end of (2b): . questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying [black holes in space. 2bAblack hole] is created by the collapse of a dead star into [a point perhaps no larger than a marble. So much matter compressed into so little volume] changes the fabric of space ... Second, readers bring to a sentence a general knowledge of its subject. We would not have been surprised, for example, if a sentence (4) in that paragraph about black holes had begun like this: . " changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways. 4Astronomers have reported that ... The word Astronomers did not appear in the preceding sen-" tcnce, but since we are reading about space and black holes, j we wouldn't be surprised by a reference to them.! The second principle is the flip side of the first. 2. End sentences with Information that readers cannot anticipate. Readers always prefer to read what's easy before what's hard, and what's familiar and simple is easier to understand than what's new and complex. You can more easily see when others fail to observe those principles in their writing than you can in your own, because after you've worked on your own for a while, it all seems familiar-to you. But hard as it is to distinguish old from new in your own writing, you have to try, because readers want to begin sentences with information that is familiar to them, and only then move on to Information that is new. Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence 79 H.er,,'s the point: In every sequence of sentences you write, to balance principles that make individual sentences dear and principles that make a passage cohesive. But in that tradeoff; give priority to helping readers create a sense of cohesive flow. That means starting sentences with informa- t readers are familiar with. Fortunately, this principle ld and new information cooperates with the principle cters as subjects. Once y ntion your main characters, readers take them as fa nformation. So when rel5u'larlv get characters up , you also front farnUiarinformation. QUICK TIP: Writers often refer to something in a previous sentence with words such as this, these, that, those, another, such, second, or more (in comparison to something in the prior sentence). When you usc any of those signals, try to put them at or close to the beginning of the sentence that you use them in: How to calculate credits for classes taken in a community colleges is another issue that we must consider. ./' Another issue that we must consider is how to calculate credits for classes taken in a community college. Exercise 5.1 Revise these two passages to improve their old-new flow, In 1, I boldface the words that seem to me to be old information. Revise the sentences so that old information appears first. 1. Two aims-the recovery of the American economy and the modernization of America into a military power-were in the president's mind when he assumed his office. The drop in unemployment figures and inflation, and the increase in the GNP testifies to his success in the first. But our increased involvement in international conflict without any clear set of political goals indicates less success with the second. Nevertheless, increasesin the military budget and a good deal of saber rattling pleased the American voter. I! Iii, ,., ·1' I' '! ' 80 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 2. The components of Abco's profitability, particularly growth in Asian markets, will be highlighted in our report to demon- strate its advantages versus competitors. Revenue returns along several dimensions-product type, end-use, distribution channels, etc.-will provide a basis for this analysis. Likely growth prospects of Abco's newest product lines will depend most on its ability in regard to the development of distribution channels in China, according to our projections. A range of innovative strategies wiH be needed to support the introduction of new products. COHERENCE: A SENSE OF THE WHOLE When you create cohesive Ilow, you take the first step toward helping readers think your prose hangs together. But they will judge you to be a competent writer only when they feel that your writing is not just cohesive but coherent, a quality different from cohesion. It's easy to confuse the words cohesion and coherence because they sound alike . • Think of cohesion as pairs of sentences fitting together the way two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle do (recall the black hole sentences) . • Think of coherence as seeing what all the sentences in a piece of writing add up to, the way all the pieces in a puzzle add up to the picture on the box. This next passage has good cohesive flow because we move from the end of each sentence to the next without a hitch: Sayner, Wisconsin, is the snowmobile capital of the world. The huzzing of snowmobile engines fills the air, and their tank-like tracks crisscross the snow. The snow reminds me of Mom's mashed pctatoes, covered with furrows I would draw with my fork. Her mashed potatoes usually make me sick-s-that's why I play with them. I like to make a hole in the middle of the potatoes and fill it with melted butter. This behavior has been the subject of long chats between me and my analyst. Though wc move from scntence to sentence easily, that passage as a whole is incoherent. (It was created by six different writers, onc of whom wrote the first sentence, with the other five sequentially Lc550n 5 Cohesion and Coherence 81 adding one sentence, knowing only the immediately preceding one.) It is incoherent for three reasons: 1. The subjects of the sentences are entirely unrelated. 2. The sentences share no common "themes" or ideas. 3. The paragraph has no one sentence that states what the whole passage supports or explains. I will discuss that second point in the next lesson and the third one in Lesson 11. The rest of this lesson focuses on the first point, shared subjects. Subjects, Topics, Grammar, and Coherence For five hundred years, English teachers have defined subject in two ways: 1. the "doer" of the action 2. what a sentence is "about," its main topic In Lessons 3 and 4, wc saw why that first definition doesn't work: the subjects of many sentences are actions: The explosion was loud. But also flawed is that second definition: A subject is what a sentence is about. It is flawed because often, the subject of a sentence doesn't state its main topic, the idea that the rest of the sentence "comments" on. That "topicalixing" function can be performed by other parts of a sentence. For example, none of the main subjects in these sentences names their topics. • The main subject of this sentence {italicized) is it, but the topic of the sentence is your claim, the OBJECT of the PREPOSITION for: II is impossible for your claim to be proved. • The subject of this sentence is I, but its topic is this question, the object of to: Tnregard to this question, 1believe more research is needed. • The subject of this sentence is it, but its topic is our proposal, the subject of a verb in a SUBORDINATE CLAUSE: It is likely that our proposal will be accepted. , I :1. I I' :1 I, 'I I 82 St:de: Lessons in Clarity and Grace • The subject of this sentence is 1'10 one, but its topic is such results, a DIRECT OBJECT shifted to the front for emphasis: Such results no one could have predicted. H,,..,,·', the point: We use the term topic to mean what a about, but that topic is not always its grammatical subject. But readers expect it to be. They judge writing to be clear and direct when they quickly see topics and subject/characters in the same words. Diagnosing and Revising Topics As with other issues of clarity, you can't predict how readers will judge your writing just by reading it, because you know it too well, You must analyze it in a more objective way. This passage feels choppy, out of focus, even disorganized: Consistent ideas toward the beginnings of sentences help readers understand what a passage is generally about. A sense of coherence arises when a sequence of topics comprises a narrow set of related ideas. But the context of each sentence is lost by seemingly random shifts of topics. Unfocused paragraphs result when that happens. Here's how to diagnose its problems and revise it. You can diagnose and revise your own writing in the same way. 1. Diagnose a. Underline the first seven or eight words of every sentence in a passage. b. If you can, underline the first five or six words of every clause in those sentences, both subordinate and MAIN. Consistent ideas toward the b e ~ i n n i n g s of sentences especially in their subjects. help readers understand what a passage is generally about. A sense of coherence arises when a sequence of lopics comprises a narrow set of related ideas. But the context of each sentence is lost by seemingly random shifts of topics. Unfocused even disorg'anized paragraphs result when that happens. I , Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence 83 2. Analyze a. Do the underlined words constitute a relatively small set of related ideas? Even if you see how they are related, will your readers? For that passage, the answer is no. b. Do those words name the most important characters, real or abstract? Again, the answer is no. 3. Rewrite a. In most (not necessarily all) of your sentences, use subjects to name their topics. b. Put those subjects close to the beginning of the sentences. Here is that passage revised, with the new topics boldfaced: Readers understand what a passage is generally about when they see consistent ideas toward the beginnings of sentences, especially in their subjects. They feel a passage is coherent when they read a sequence of topics that focuses on a narrow set of related ideas. But when topics seem to shift randomly, readers lose the context of each sentence. Whcn that happens, they feel they are reading paragraphs that arc unfocused and even disorganized. QUICK TIP: When you start to draft each new section of your paper, jot down the names of the characters you intend to write about. They should include the flesh-and-blood characters, the real doers, but they should also include important concepts that you will discuss. As you draft, try to put those characters into the subjects of most of your sentences, If you write several sentences without mentioning those characters, you may have gotten off track. THE DIFFICULT CRAFTOF BEGINNING A SENTENCE WELL It is hard to begin a sentence well. Readers want to get to topic/subjects quickly, but too often we begin sentences in ways that keep readers from getting there. It's called throat-clearing. Throat-clearing typically begins with METADISCOURSE that connects :1 II Ii II 'II II 84 Stv!e: Lessons in Clarity and Grace a sentence to the previous one, with transitions such as and, but, therefore: And therefore We then add a second kind of metadiscourse that expresses our attitude toward what is coming, words such as fortunately, perhaps, allegedly, it is important to note, for the most part, or politically speaking: And therefore, it is important to note ... Then we indicate time, place, or manner: And therefore, it is important to note that, in Eastern states since t980 , , , Only then do we get to the topic/subject: And, therefore, it is important to note that, in Eastern states since 1980, acid rain has become a serious problem. When you open several sentences like that, your readers have a hard time seeing not just what each sentence is about, but their cumulative focus that makes a whole passage coherent. When you find a sentence with lots of words before its subject/topic, revise: .I Since 1980, therefore, acid rain has become a political problem in the Eastern states. Here's the point: When you begin sentences, choose your topics carefully, Make most of them subjects of your sentences. They should also be short, concrete, familiar information, and more often than not, they should be the main characters in the story you are telling, the sources of the actions in your verbs. Most important, keep them consistent do not vary the subjects of your sentences for the sake of variety. Your topics should tell your readers what a passage is globally "about." INTEGRATING THE PRINCIPLES We can bring together these principles about old and new and strings of consistent topics with the principles about characters ! , as subjects and actions as verbs (I'll fill in the empty boxes in Lesson 6): Fixed Variable Fixed Variable Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence Topic I Familiar Subject Verb Character Action 85 Exercise 5.2 Revisethese passagesto give them consistent topic strings. First determine the characters, then their actions. Then start each sentence with a character, and let the sentence take you where it wants to go. In (1), words that couid be consistent subject/topics are boldfaced. 1, Vegetation covers the earth, except for those areas continuously covered with ice or utterly scorched by continual heat. Richlyfertilized plains and river valleysare placeswhere plants grow most richly, but also at the edge of perpetual snow in high mountains. The ocean and its edges as well as in and around lakes and swamps are densely vegetated. The cracks of busy city sidewalks have plants in them aswell as in seemingly barren cliffs. Before humans existed, the earth was covered with vegetation, and the earth will have vegetation long after evolutionary history swallows us up. 2. The power to create and communicate a new messageto fit a new experience is not a competence animals have in their natural states. Their genetic code limits the number and kind of messagesthat they can communicate. Information about distance, direction, source, and richnessof pollen in flowers constitutes the only information that can be communicated by bees, for example. A limited repertoire of messages delivered in the same way. for generation after generation, is characteristic of animals of the same species,in all significant respects. 3. The importance of language skills in children's problem-solving ability was stressed by Jones (1985) in his paper on children's 'I' 'I 86 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace thinking. Improvement in nonverbal problem solving was reported to have occurred as a result of improvements in language skills. The use of previously acquired language habits for problem articulation and activation of knowledge previously learned through language are thought to be the causeof better performance. Therefore. systematic practice in the verbal formulation of nonlinguistlc problems prior to attempts at their solution might be an avenue for exploration in the enhancement of problem solving in general. Two QUALIFICATIONS Alleged Monotony At this point, you may be conflicted by that common advice Vary how you begin your sentences. That's a bad idea, especially when you change subjects just to make them different. You may think a passage is monotonous if you see the same topic in several of its sentences in your own prose. But your readers are less Hke\y to notice, hecause they will be focusing on your ideas. On the other hand, you might revise if you find you have used exactly the same words for the same topics in exactly the same positions. This passage goes over the top in that kind of consistency: "Moral climate" is created when an objectivizcd moral standard for treating people is accepted by others. Moral climate results from norms of behavior that are accepted by society whereby if people conform they are socially approved of, or if they don't they are shunned. In this light, moral climate acts as a reason to refrain from saying or doing things that the community does not support. A moral climate encourages individuals to conform to a moral standard and apply that standard to their own circumstances. Be cautious, though: most writers change topics too often. Faked Cohesion Some writers try to fake coherence by lacing their prose with conjunctions like thus, therefore, however, and so on, regardless of whether they signal real logical connections. An example: Because the press is the major medium of interaction between the president and the people, how it portrays him influences his popularity. " I' Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence 87 Therefore, it should report on the president objectively. Both reporters and the president are human, however, subject to error and favoritism. Also, people act differently in public than they do in private. Hence, to understand a person, it is important to know the whole person, his environment, upbringing, and education. Indeed, from the correspondence with his family, we can learn much about Han)' S. Truman, our thirty-third president. Experienced writers use these connecting devices, but they depend more on the logical flow of their ideas, They are especially careful not to overuse words like and, also, Inoreover, another, and so on, words that say simply Here:') one more thing. You need a but or however when you contradict or qualify what you just said, and you can use a therefore or consequently to wind up a line of reasoning. But avoid using words like these more than a few times a page. Your readers don't need them when your sentences are cohesive and the passage they constitute is coherent. Exercise 5.3 Revise these passages to give them more consistent topic strings. First, decide who the main characters should be, then make them the subjects of verbs expressing important actions, In the first passage, I boldface topics so that you can see how inconsistent they are, 1. Some potential threats exist in the modern mass communications media, though there are many significant advantages. If a powerful minority should happen to control it, public opinion could be manipulated through biased reporting. And while a wide knowledge of public affairs is a great advantage that results from national coverage, divisiveness and factionalism can be accentuated by connecting otherwise isolated, local conflicts into a single larger conflict as a result of showing that conflicts about the same issues are occurring in different places. It will always be true, of course, that human nature produces differences of opinion, but the threat of faction and division may be reinforced when national coverage publicizes uninformed opinions. According to some, education can suppress faction when the true nature of conflicts reaches the public through the media, but history has shown that as much coverage is given to people who encourage conflict as to people who try to remove conflict. , !' I ! ,I I 88 Style: Lessons in Clarity' and Grace 2. Some sort of palace revolt or popular revolution plagued seven of eight reigns of the Romanov line after Peter the Great. In 1722, achievement by merit was made the basis of succession when the principle of heredity was terminated by Peter. This resulted in many tsars' not appointing a successor before dying, including Peter. Ivan VI was less than two months old when appointed by Czarina Anna, but Elizabeth, daughter of Peter the Great, defeated Anna and ascended to the throne in 1741. Succession not dependent upon authority resulted in the boyars' regularly disputing who was to become sovereign. Male primogeniture became the law in 1797 when Paul I codified the law of succession. But conspirators strangled him (one of whom was probably his son, Alexander I). 3. Many issuesother than science, domestic politics in particular, faced Truman when he was considering the Oppenheimer committee's recommendation to stop the hydrogen bomb project. A Sino-Soviet bloc had been proclaimed by Russia and China, so the Cold War was becoming an issue. Support for Truman's foreign policy was shrinking among Republican leaders in Congress. And the first Russianatom bomb test made the public demand a strong response from him. Truman's conclusion that he could not afford letting the public think that Russia had been allowed to be first in developing the most powerful weapon yet was an inevitable one. The risk in the Oppenheimer recommendation was worth taking according to some historians, but the political issuesthat Truman had to face were too powerful to ignore. Exercise 5.4 The point of this exercise isto see that simply by changing subjects, you change the feel of a passage. In his essay, "Stranger in the Vil- lage," the African-American writer James Baldwin reflects on his Ii, relationship to European Christianity, In the first sentence of his essay, he makes the cathedral at Chartres the topic and a metaphorical character: The cathedral at Chartres, I have said, says something to the . people of this village which it cannot say to me, but it is impor- ·, •. ·'· .•1'.·. tant to understand that this cathedral says something to me which it cannot say to them. Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence 89 But in the second sentence, he switches the topidsubjects to the villagers, then to himself: Perhaps they are struck by the power of the spires, the glory of the windows; but they have known God, after all, longer than I have known him, and in a different way, and I am terrified ... Nothing forced him to choose those topics. He could have written this: I have said that I hear something from the cathedral at Chartres that the people of this village do not hear, but it is important to understand that ... Experiment with Baldwin's passage by changing its topics. First, focus on Baldwin (as above). Then revise a second time, focusing on the people of Chartres, then a third time focusing on the architec- ture. How does the feel of the passage change? Why did Baldwin make the choices he did, do you think? (No one can know the right answer.) Here is his passage. I boldface topics; you will not be able to change them ali. The cathedral at Chartres, I have said, sayssomething to the people of this village which it cannot sayto me, but it is important to understand that this cathedral sayssomething to me which it cannot sayto them. Perhapsthey are struck by the power of the spires,the glory of the windows; but they have known God, after all, longer than I have known him, and in a different way, and I am terrified by the slippery bottomless well to be found in the crypt, down which heretics were hurled to death, and by the obscene, inescapable gargoyles jutting out of the stone and seeming to saythat God and the devil can never be divorced. I doubt that the villagers think of the devil when they face a cathedral because they have never been identified with the devil. But I must accept the status which myth, if nothing else, gives me in the West before I can hope to change the myth. What does this exercise suggest about "natural" connections between charactersand subjects?What does it imply about how we understand who's responsiblefor what actions?How much can a writer control how we decide who's responsible for the real action in the world? Which ismore accurate, I am teachingyou or you are learning from me? Does it matter? We return to these questions in Lesson12. ,I I " 90 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Crace SUMMING Up We can sum up this lesson in this model: Fixed Variable Fixed Variable Topic I Familiar Subject Verb Character Action It represents two principles: 1. Begin sentences with subjects that communicate old information, information that your readers are familiar with: The number of dead in the Civil War exceeded all other wars in American history combined. A reason for the lingering animosity between North and South today is the memory of this terrible carnage. '" Of all the wars in American history, none has exceeded the Civil War in the number of dead. The memory of this tenible carnage is one reason for the lingering animosity between North and South today. 2. Through a series of sentences, keep your topics short and reasonably consistent: Competition by Asian companies with American companies in the Pacific is the first phase of this study. Labor costs and the ability to introduce new products quickly in particular are examined. A plan that will show American industry how to restructure its facilities will be developed from this study. ,/ In the first phase of this study, we examine how Asian companies compete with American companies in the Pacific region. We examine in particular their labor costs and ability to introduce new products quickly. We develop from this study a plan that will show American industry how to restructure its facilities. Lesson I 6 Emphasis "Begin at the beginning," the King said. gravely, "and go on till you come to the end; then stop." -LE\\% CARROLL Beginning and end shake hands with each a/her. -GERMAN PROVERB In the end is my beginning. -T. S. ELIOT All's well that ends well. -WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE 91 II I I, II I 92 Style: Lessons in elm-it\, [lnd Grace UNDERSTANDING How SENTENCES END If you consistently write sentences whose SCBJECT/TOPJCS name a few central CHARACTERS and then join them to strong VERBS, you'll likely get the rest of the sentence right, and in the process create a passage that is both cohesive and coherent. But if the first few words of a sentence are worth special attention, so arc the last few, because how you end a sentence determines how readers judge both its clarity and its strength. In this lesson, we address clarity first, then strength, then how the right emphasis on the right words can contribute to a kind of coherence even more global than the coherence we get from consistent topics. When readers can build up momentum in the first nine or ten words of a sentence, the more easily they get through complicated material that follows. Compare: lao A sociometric and actuarial analysis of Social Security revenues and disbursements for the last six decades to determine changes in projecting deficits is the subject of this study. ,/ lb. In this study, we analyze Social Security's revenues and disbursements for the last six decades, using sociometric and actuarial criteria to determine changes in projecting deficits. As we start (La), we struggle to understand its technical terms at the same time we are hacking through a subject twenty-two words long. In (Ib), we go through just five words to get past a subject and verb and twelve more before we hit a term that might slow us up. By that point we have enough momentum to carry us through the complexity to its end. In short, in (l a), we hit the complexity at the beginning; in (Ib), we don't hit it until near the end, where we can handle it better. There are, however, two kinds of complexity: grammar and I meaning. .. Complex Grammar Which of these two sentences do you prefer? 2a. Lincoln's claim that the Civil War was God's punishment of both North and South for slavery appears in the last part of the speech. 2b. In the last part of his speech, Lincoln claims that God gave the Civil War to both North and South as a punishment for slavery. Most readers prefer (2b) because it begins simply, then moves toward grammatical complexity. Wc discussed that issue earlier. Lesson 6 Emphasis 93 Complex Meaning Another kind of complexity is in the meanings of words. Readers have a problem with all kinds of new technical terms, but especially when those terms appear at the beginning of a sentence. Compare these two passages: 3a. The role of calcium blocker drugs in the control of cardiac irregularity can he seen through an understanding of the role of calcium in the activation of muscle cells. The regulatory proteins actin, myosin, tropomyosin, and troponin make up the sarcomere, the basic unit of muscle contraction. ATPase, the energy-producing protein myosin, makes up its thick filament, while actin, tropomyosin, and troponin make up its thin filament. Interaction of myosin and actin triggers muscle contraction. '" 3b. When a muscle contracts, it uses calcium. We must therefore understand how calcium affects muscle cells to understand how cardiac irregularity is controlled by drugs called "calcium blockers." The basic unit of muscle contraction is the sarcomere. It has two filaments, one thin and one thick. Those filaments consist of four proteins that regulate contraction: actin, myosin, tropomyosin, and troponin. Muscles contract when the protein in the thin filament, actin, interacts with the protein myosin in the thick filament, an energy-producing or ATPase protein. Both passages use the same technical terms, but (3b) is clearer to those who know nothing about the chemistry of muscles. Those passages differ in two ways. First, information that is only implicit in (3a) is stated explicitly in (3b): Sa. . .. and troponin make up the sarcomere, the basic unit of muscle contraction. ATPase, the energy-producing protein myosin, makes up its thick filament. '" 3b. The basic unit of muscle contraction is the sarcomere. It has two filaments, one thin and one thick ... More important, I moved the technical terms from the beginning of the sentences in (3a) to the end of the sentences in (3b). Note how almost all the technical terms in (3a) are toward the beginnings of their sentences: Sa. The role of calcium blocker drugs in the control of cardiac irregularity can be seen through an understanding of the role of calcium in the activation of muscle cells. The regulatory proteins actin, myosin, tropomyosin, and troponin make up the sarcomere, the basic unit of muscle contraction. ii Ii 94 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace ATPase, the energy-producing protein myosin, makes up its thick filament, while actin, tropomyosin, and troponin make up its thin filament. Interaction of myosin and actin triggers muscle contraction. In (3b), those technical terms appear at the ends of their sentences: · .. uses calcium. · .. controlled by drugs called "calcium blockers." · .. is the sarcomere . . four proteins that regulate contraction: actin, myosin, tropomyosin, and troponin. · .. in the thick filament, an energy-producing or ATPase protein. These principles work for prose intended even for professional readers. In this next passage, from the New England Jour- nal ot' Medicine, the writer deliberately uses METADISCOCRSE to construct the second sentence just to get a new technical term at its end: The incubation of peripheral-blood lymphocytes with a Iymphokine, interleukin-2, generates lymphoid cells that can lyse fresh, nonculturcd. natural-killer-cell-resistant tumor cells but not normal cells. We term these cells lymphokine-activated killer (LAK) cells. Here's the point: Your readers want you yoor sentences to help kinds of difficulty: • long and complex PHRASES and CLAUSES, and • new information, particularly unfamiliar technical terms. In general, your sentences should begin with elements that are relatively short: short introductory phrases and clauses, followed by a short, concrete subject, followed by a verb expressing a specific action. After the verb, the sentence can go on for several lines, if it is well constructed (see Lessons 8 and 9). The general principle is to carry from I I Lesson 6 Emphasis 95 ONE MORE NEW TERM: STRESS II i New, long, complex Verb simple, familiar Fixed Fixed Variable Variable complexity to simplicity, but from simplicity to com!,lexity. We can integrate that principle with our others: In the last lesson, we said that an important position in the psychological geography of a sentence is its first few words, because they name the topic of a sentence, its psychological subject, as opposed to its grammatical subject (see pp. 81-82). In this lesson, I've been discussing the end of a sentence in general, but its last few words are particularly important. You can sense that when at the end of a sentence you hear your voice rise and emphasize one syllable more strongly than you do the others: . .. more strongly than you do the 6-thers. We have the same experience when reading silently. We'll call this most emphatic part of a sentence its STRESS and add it to our last box. How you manage the emphasis in that stress position helps establish the voice readers hear in your prose, because if you end a sentence on words that carry little meaning, your sentence will seem to end weakly. Global warming could raise sea levels to a point where much of the world's low-lying coastal areas would disappear, according to most atmospheric scientists . ./ According to most atmospheric scientists, global warming could raise sea leveJs to a point where much of the world's low-lying coastal areas would disappear. 96 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Fixed Variable Fixed Variable Topic I Stress Short, simple, familiar New, long, complex Subject Verb Character Action In Lesson 4, we saw how to revise subject/topics to create different points of view (pp. 62-63). You can create different stylistic effects by managing how you end your sentences. Compare these next passages. One was written to blame an American president for being weak with Iran on arms control. The other is a revision that stresses Iran. The ends of the sentences tell you which is which: l a. The administration has blurred an issue central to nuclear arms control, the issue of verification. Irresponsible charges, innuendo, and leaks have submerged serious problems with Iranian compliance. The objective, instead, should be not to exploit these concerns in order to further poison our relations, repudiate existing agreements, or, worse still, terminate arms control altogether, but to insist on compliance and clarify questionable behavior. lb. The issue of verification-so central to nuclear arms control-has been blurred by the administration. Serious problems with Iranian compliance have been submerged in irresponsible charges, innuendo, and leaks. The objective, instead, should be to clarify questionable behavior and insist on compliance-not to exploit these concerns in order to further poison our relations, repudiate existing agreements, or, worse still, terminate anus control altogether. Here's thepoint; Just as you look at the first your sentences for point of view, you can look at words for special emphasis. You can revise a sentence phasize particular words that you want readers to stressed and thereby note as particularly significant. Lesson 6 Emphasis 97 DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION If you have managed your subjects and topics well, you will almost by default emphasize the right words at the end of your sentences. But there are some ways to revise just for that purpose. I.. I! Three Tactical Revisions I I. Trim the end. Sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior in the way we act in situations we are in every day. Since social behavior means the way we act in situations "', we drop everything after behavior: '" Sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior. 2. Shift peripheral ideas to the left. The data offered to prove ESP arc too weak, for the most part. '" For the most part, the data offered to prove ESP are too weak. Particularly avoid ending with anticlimactic metadiscourse: Job opportunities in computer programming arc getting scarcer; it must be remembered. '" It must be remembered that job opportunities in computer programming are getting scarcer. 3. Shift new information to the right. A more common way to :;1 manage stress is by moving new information to the end of a 'I sentence. Questions about the ethics of withdrawing intravenous feeding are more difficult {than something just mentioned]. '" More difficult [than something just mentioned] are questions about the ethics of withdrawing intravenous feeding. Six Syntactic Devices to Emphasize the Right Words There are several syntactic devices that let you manage where in a sentence you stress units of new information. 98 Style: Lessons in Clarify and Grace 10. 1. Passives (for the last time). Apassive verb Icts you flip a subject and OBJECT. Compare these next two sentences. To stress the concept of genes influencing behavior, we revise the active verb into a passive to get that idca closer to the stress position: Some sociobiologists claim that our genes influence active aspects of behavior that we think are learned. Our genes, for exampie, seem to determine ... ,/ Some sociobiologists claim that aspects of behavior that we think are learned are in fact influenced passive by our genes. Our genes, for example, seem to determine .. As we've seen, the passive is in the language so that we can get old and new information in the right order. 2. There. Some edilors discourage there is/there are constructions as wordy, but they let you shift a subject to after its verb to emphasize it. Compare: Several syntactic devices let you manage where in a sentence you locate units of new information. ,/ There are several syntactic devices that let you manage where in a sentence you locate units of new information. Experienced writers commonly begin a paragraph or section with there to introduce new topics and concepts that they develop in sentences that follow (for more on introducing new concepts, see Lesson 11). Used too often, of course, it seems weak and wordy. 3. What-shift. This is another device that shifts a part of the sentence to the right, thereby emphasizing it more: We need a monetary policy that would end fluctuations in money supply, unemployment, and inllation. ,/ What we need is a monetary policy that would end fluctuations in money supply, unemployment, and inflation. 4. It-shift. When you have a subject consisting of a long NOUN CI.AUSE, you can move it to the end of the sentence and start with an it: That oil prices would be set by OPEC once seemed inevitable. ./ It once seemed inevitable that oil prices would be set by OPEC. Lesson 6 Emphasis 99 5. Not only x, but Y (as well). In this next pair, note how the but emphasizes the last element of the pair: We must clarify these issues and develop trust. .I We must not only clarify these issues, but develop trust. Unless you have reason to emphasize the negative, end with the positive: The point is to highlight our success, not to emphasize our failures. ./ The point is not to emphasize our failures but to highlight our success. The cost of these five devices is a few extra words, so use them sparingly. 6. Pronoun substitution, and ellipsis. This is a fine point: a sentence can end flatly if you repeat a word that you used just a few words before at the end of a sentence, because the voice we hear in our mind's ear drops off at the end of a sentence. If you read aloud the preceding sentence, this one, and the next, you can hear that drop at the end of each sentence. To avoid that kind of flatness, rewrite or use a pronoun instead of repeating the word at the end of the sentence. For example: A sentence will seem to end flatly if you use a word at its end that you used just a few words before, because when you repeat that word, your voice drops. Instead of repeating the noun, use a pronoun. The reader will at least hear emphasis on the word just before it. Occasionally, you can just delete words that repeat earlier ones: It is sometimes possible to represent a complex idea in a simple sentence, but more often you cannot represent a complex idea in the simplest of sentences. One of the characteristics of especially elegant prose is how writers use a handful of special rhetorical figures to end their sentences. I will discuss those devices in Lesson 9. j,l , i I 'i 'II I i ,II· " r I '/ 100 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace QUICK TIP: You can easily check whether you have stressed the right words by reading your sentences aloud, then as you speak the last few words, raise your voice and tap the table with your fingers. If you've stressed the wrong words, your voice and table thumping will feel wrong: It is sometimes possible to represent a complex idea in a simple sentence. but more often you cannot represent it in that kind of sentence. If you've stressed the right words, your voice and table thumping will feel right: It is sometimes possible to represent a complex idea in a simple sentence, but MORE OFTENYOU CANNOT. Exercise 6.1 Revise these sentences to emphasize the right words. In the first three, I boldfaced what I think should be stressed. Then eliminate wordiness, nominalizations, etc. 1. The President's tendency to rewrite the Constitution is the biggest danger to the nation, in my opinion, at least. 2. A new political philosophy that could affect our society well into the twenty-first century may emerge from these studies. 3. There are limited opportunities for faculty to work with individual students in large American colleges and universities. 4. Building suburban housing developments in floodplains has led to the existence of extensive and widespread flooding and economic disaster in parts of our country in recent years, it is now clear. 5. The teacher who makes an assignment of a long final term paper at the end of the semester and who then gives only a grade and nothing else such as a critical comment is a common object of complaint among students at the college level. 6. Renting textbooks rather than buying them for basic required courses such as mathematics, foreign languages, and English, whose textbooks do not go through yeariy changes, is feasible, however, economically speaking. LAsson 6 Emphasis 101 Exercise 6.2 I , , I I 'I II Revisethese passagesso that their sentences begin with appropriate topics and end with appropriate emphasis. 1. The story of King Lear and his daughters was a popular one during the reign of Queen Elizabeth. At least a dozen available books offered the story to anyone wishing to read it, by the time Elizabeth died. The characters were undeveloped in most of these stories, however, making the story a simple narrative that stated an obvious moral. When he began work on Lear, perhaps his greatest tragedy, Shakespeare must have had several versions of this story available to him. He turned the characters into credible human beings with complex motives, however, even though they were based on the stock figures of legend. 2. Whether the date an operation intends to close down might be part of management's "duty to disclose" during contract bargaining isthe issuehere, it would appear. The minimization of conflict is the central rationale for the duty that management has to bargain in good faith. In order to allow the union to put forth proposals on behalf of its members, companies are obligated to disclosemajor changes in an operation during bargaining, though the case law is scanty on this matter. 3. Athens' catastrophic Sicilian Invasion is the most important event in Thucydides' History of the Peloponnesian War. Three- quarters of the history is devoted to setting up the invasion because of this. Through the step-by-step decline in Athenian society that Thucydides describes, we can see how he chose to anticipate the Sicilian Invasion, The inevitability that we sssociate with the tragic drama is the basic reason for the need to anticipate the invasion. This next passage will seem difficult because it deals with a subject you probably know little about; even so, you can make it more readable by putting the technical terms at the end of each sentence and the familiar language at the beginning. 4. Mucosal and vascular permeability altered by a toxin elaborated by the vibrio is a current hypothesis to explain this kind of severe condition. Changes in small capillaries located near the basal surface of the epithelial cells, and the appearance of numerous microvesicles in the cytoplasm of the mucosal cells are evidence in favor of this hypothesis. Hydrodynamic trans- port of fluid into the interstitial tissue and then through the mucosa into the lumen of the gut is believed to depend on altered capillary permeability. I I, 'I !I II I .1 I 102 Style: Lessons in CIanI}' GIld Grace Revisethis next passageto stressits most important numbers. 5. Changes in revenues are as follows. An increase to $56,792 from $32,934, a net increase of approximately 73 percent, was realized July l-August 31 in the Ohio and Kentucky areas. In the Indiana and Illinois areas there was in the same period a 10 percent increase of $15,370, from $153,281 to $168,651. However, a decrease to $190,580 from $200,102, or 5 percent, occurred in the Wisconsin and Minnesota regions in almost the same period of time. TOPICS, EMPHASIS, THEMES, AND COHERENCE There is one more function performed by the stress of certain sentences, one that is important in helping readers think a whole passage is coherent. As we saw in the last lesson, readers take the clearest topic to be a short noun phrase that comes early in a sentence, usually as its subject. That's why most of us judge this next paragraph to be unfocused: its sentences do not open from any consistent point of view: 1a. Great strides in the early and accurate diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease have been made in recent years. Not too long ago, senility in an older patient who seemed to be losing touch with reality was often confused with Alzheimer's. Genetic dues have become the basis of newer and more reliable tests in the last few years, however. The risk of human tragedy of another kind, though, has resulted from the increasing accuracy of these tests: predictions about susceptibility to Alzheimer's have become possible, long before the appearance of any overt symptoms. At that point, an apparently healthy person could be devastated by such an early diagnosis. If we revise that passage to make the topics more consistent, we also make it more coherent (topics are boldfaced): ./ 1b. In recent years, researchers have made great strides in the early and accurate diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease. Not too long ago, when a physician examined an older patient who seemed out of touch with reality, she had to guess whether the person was senile or had Alzheimer's. In the past few years, however, physicians have been able to use new and more reliable tests focusing on genetic clues. But in the accuracy of these new tests lies the risk of another kicd of human tragedy: physicians may be able to predict Alzheimer's long before its overt appearance, but such an early diagnosis could psychologically devastate an apparently healthy person. • I , I Lesson 6 Emphasis 103 The passage now focuses on just two topics: researcher/physicians and testing/diagnosis. But there is one more revision that would make that passage even more of a whole: Put key words in the stress position of the first sentence of a passage in order to emphasize the key ideas in the rest of a passage. The first sentence now stresses advances in diagnosis: ... the early and accurate diagnosis ofAlzheimer's disease. But the point in this passage is not about diagnosis, but about its risks. That concept, however, does not appear until we are more than halfway through that paragraph. Readers would grasp the point of that passage better if all of its key concepts appeared in the first sentence, and (here is where it gets detailed) specifically toward its end, in its stress position. Readers read the opening sentence or two of a paragraph to find the key concepts that the paragraph will repeat and develop, and they specifically look for those concepts in the last few words of that opening, introductory, framing sentence. Here is new first sentence for the Alzheimer's paragraph that would help readers focus on the key concepts not just of Alrheimer's and new diagnoses, but of new problem and informing those most at risk. In recent years, researchers have made great strides in the early and accurate diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease, but those diagnoses have raised a new problem about informing those most at risk who show no symptoms of it. We can call those key concepts that run through a passage its themes. Look at the highlighted words in the passage below one more time: • The boldfaced words are all about testing. • The italicized words are all about mental states. • The capitalized words are all about a new problem. Each of those concepts is announced toward the end of a new opening sentence, especially the theme of the new problem . ./ 1b. In recent years, researchers have made great strides in the early and accurate diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease, but those diagnoses have raised A NEW PROBLEM about THOSE MOST .:1'1' RISK WHO ,I I 'I' II Ii 104 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace SHOW NO SYMPTOMS OF IT. Not too long ago, when a physician examined an older patient who seemed out of touch with reality, she had to guess whether that person had Alzheimer's or was only senile. In the past few years, however, physicians have been able to use new and more reliable tests focusing on genetic clues. But in the accuracy of these new tests lies the RlSK OF ANOTHER KIND OF HUMAN TRAGEDY: physicians may be able to predict Alzheimer's long before its overt appearance, but such an early diagnosis could PSYCHOLOGICALLY DEVASTATE AN APPARENTLY HEALTHY PERSOK. That passage now "hangs together" not for just one reason, but for three: • Its topics consistently focus on physicians and diagnosis. • Running through it arc strings of words that focus on the themes of (I) tests, (2) mental conditions, and (3) a new problem. • And no less important, the opening sentence helps us notice those themes by emphasizing them at the end of its opening sentence. This principle applies to sentences that introduce fairly long paragraphs (two or three sentence introductory, transitional, and other kinds of paragraphs follow different patterns). It also applies to sentences that introduce passages of any length, even to a whole document: locate at the end of an introductory sentence words that announce the key concepts that you intend to develop in the rest of the passage. We will return to this mailer in Lesson 11. • notice you end of the sentence that introduces • Repeat others as themeselsewhere verbs, and adjectives. Readers are more emphasize them that passage. Lesson 6 Emphasis 105 I L QUICK TIP: For a paragraph more than five or six sentences long, underline the sentence that you think best introduces, sets up, frames the rest of the paragraph. If you can't do that quickly, your paragraph probably has a problem. If you can do that quickly, circle the last six words of that introductory segment. Those words should serve as the title of the paragraph. If they do not, your readers may have a problem. We will return to this matter in Lesson 11. Exercise 6.3 Here are three opening sentencesand the rest of a paragraph that each of those sentences might introduce. Which introductory sentence best sets up the ideas that follow? Assume that the reader would be already familiar with the characters-Russian rulers. The best of the three sentences will in its last few words highlight the new conceptsthat the writer wants usto associatewith those rulers. 1. The next century the situation changed, because disputes over successionto the throne causedsome sort of palace revolt or popular revolution in seven out of eight reigns of the Romanov line after Peter the Great. 2. The next century the situation changed, because after Peter the Great seven out of eight reigns of the Romanov line were plagued by turmoil over disputed succession to the throne. 3. Because turmoil over disputed succession to the throne plagued seven out of eight reigns of the Romanov line after Peter the Great, the situation changed in the next century. The problems began in 1722, when Tsar Peter the Great passed a law of successionthat terminated the principle of successionby heredity and required the sovereign to appoint a successorwhen he died. But because many of the tsars, including Peter, died before they named successors, those who aspired to rule had no authority by appointment, and sotheir successionwas often disputed by the boyars, lower-level aristocrats. There was turmoil even when suecessors were appointed. In 1740, Ivan VI was adopted by Czarina Anna Ivanovna and named as her successorat age two months, but his successionwas challenged by Elizabeth, daughter of Peter the I i I I !i !I I i i 106 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Great. In 1741, she defeated Anna and ascended to the throne herself. In 1797 Paul tried to eliminate these disputes by codifying a law: primogeniture in the male line. But turmoil continued. Paul was strangled by conspirators, one of whom was probably his son, Alexander I. SUMMING Up I. Use the end of a sentence to introduce long, complex, or otherwise difficult-to-process material, particularly unfamiliar technical terms and new information. A determination of involvement of lipid-linked saccharides in the assembly of oligosaccharide chains of ovalbumin in vivo was the principal aim of this study. In vitro and in vivo studies utilizing oviduct membrane preparations and oviduct slices and the antibiotic tunicamycin were undertaken to accomplish this . ./ The principal aim of this study was to determine how lipid-linked saccharides are involved in the assembly of oligosaccharide chains of ovalbumin in vivo. To accomplish this, studies were undertaken in vitro and in vivo, utilizing the antibiotic tumcamyein on preparations of oviduct membrane and on oviduct slices. 2. Use the stress position at the very end to emphasize words that you want your readers to hear emphasized in their minds' ear: The administration has blurred an issue central to arms control, the issue of verification. Irresponsible charges, innuendo,' and leaks have submerged serious problems with Iranian compliance. The issue of verification-so central to arms control-has been blurred by the administration. Serious problems with Iranian compliance have been submerged in irresponsible charges, Innu- endo, and leaks. 3. Use the stress of a sentence that introduces a passage to announce the key concepts that the rest of the passage will develop: In recent years, researchers have made great strides in the early and accurate diagnosis of Alsheimers disease, but those diagnoses LeSWI1 6 Emphasis 107 have raised A NEW PROBLEM about INFORMING THOSE MOST AT RISK WHO SHOW .I\iOSYMPTOMS OF IT. Not too long ago, when a physician examined an older patient who seemed out of touch with reality, she had to guess whether that person was senile or had Alzheimer's. In the past few years, however; they have been able to Use new and more reliable tests focusing on genetic clues. But in the accuracy of these new tests lies the RISK OF ANOTHER KlND OF HUMAN TRAGEDY: physicians may be ahle to predict Alzheimer's long before its overt appearance, but such an early diagnosis could PSYCHOLOG1CALLYDEVASTATEAN APPARENTLY HEALTHY PERSON. , 108 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace SUMMARY: PART 2 Asimple English sentence is more than the sum of its words; it is a system of systems. Fixed Topic I Stress Variable Short, simple,familiar New, long, complex Fixed Subject Verb Variable Character Action Readers prefer sentences with these characteristics: 1. They want sentences to get to the subject of a main clause quickly, so avoid opening more than a few sentences with long, complex phrases and subordinate clauses. 2. They want sentences that get past the subject of a main clause to a verb quickly, so do this: a. Keep subjects short and, if you can, concrete-ideally flesh-and-blood characters. b. Open sentences with familiar information. 3. They want verbs that name specific actions, so do not bury actions in abstract nouns. 4. Readers deal with complexity more easily at the end of a sentence, so put there information that they will find least familiar, most complex, most difficult to understand. 5. Readers are confused when in a series of sentences each opens with a different subject, so through a passage, focus on a few topics that define what that passage is centrally "about." In short, write sentences that get to a short, concrete, familiar subject quickly, join that subject to a verb that names a specific action, and keep your subjects consistent. Readers want to see those patterns not just in the main clause of a sentence, but in every subordinate clause as well. PART THREE Grace There are two sorts of eloquence; the one indeed scarce deserves the name oiit, which consists chiefly in laboured and polished periods, an over-curious and artificial arrangement of figures, tinseled over with a gaudy embellishment ofwords.... The other sort of eloquence is quite the reverse to this, and which may be said to be the true characteristic of the holy Scriptures; where the eloquence does not arise from a laboured and farfetched elocution, but from a surprising mixture at simplicity and majesty. STERNE Lesson 7 Concision I write for those who judge of hooks, not by the quantity, but by the quality of them: who ask not how long, but how good they are? I spare both my reader's time and my own, by couching my sense in as few words as I can. -JOHN WESLEY Often I think writing is sheer paring away of oneself leaving always something thinner, barer; more meager. -F, SCOTT FITZGERALD The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. -HANS HOFMANN To a Snail: If "compression is the first grace of style, "you have it. -MARIANNE MOORE 111 II I' , . Iii I I I i I ,iU 112 Style: LeSSOIlS in Clarity and Grace UNDERSTANDING CONCISION You get close to clarity when you match your CHARACTERS and ACTIO"S to your SUBJECTS and VERBS, and closer yet when you get the right characters into TOPICS and the right words under STRESS. But readers may still think your prose is a long way from graceful if it's anything like this: In my personal opinion, it is necessary that we should not ignore the opportunity to think over each and every suggestion offered. That writer matched characters with subjects, and actions with verbs, hut in too many words: opinion is always personal, so we don't need personal, and since this statement is opinion, we don't need in my opinion. Think over and not ignore both mean consider. each and every is redundant. And suggestion is by definition offered. In fewer words: ./ We should consider each suggestion. Though not elegant, that sentence at least has style's first gracecompression, or as we'll call it, concision. Concision, though, is only a start. You must still make your sentences shapely. In this lesson, I focus on concision; in the next, on shape. DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION Five Principles of Concision When I edited that sentence about suggestions, I followed five principles: I. Delete words that mean little or nothing. 2. Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words. 3. Delete words implied by other words. 4. Replace a phrase with a word. 5. Change negatives to affirmatives. Those principles are easy to state but hard to follow, because you have to inch your way through every sentence you write, cutting Lesson 7 Concision 113 here, compressing there, and that's labor-intensive. Those five principles, though, can guide you in that work. 1. Delete meaningless words. Some words are verbal tics that we usc as unconsciously as we clear our throats: kind of virtually actually individual particular basically really generally certain given various practically Productivity actually depends on certain factors that basically invalve psychology more than any particular technology. ,/ Productivity depends on psychology more than on technology. 2. Delete doubled words. Early in the history of English, writers got into the habit pairing a French or Latin word with a native English one, because foreign words sounded more learned. Most paired words today are just redundant. Among the common ones: full and complete true and accurate hopes and desires hope and trust each and every first and foremost any and all basic and fundamental various and sundry 3. Delete what readers can infer. This redundancy is common but hard to identify, because it comes in so many forms. Redundant Modifiers Often, the meaning of a word implies others, especially its modifier: Do not try to predict future events that will completely revolutionize society, because past history shows that it is the final outcome of minor events that unexpectedly surprises us more. ,/ Do not try to predict revolutionary events, because history shows that the outcome of minor events surprises us more. Some common redundancies: II. lenible tragedy basic fundamentals final outcome various different fu ture plans true facts free gift each individual consensus of opinion 114 Style: Lessons in Clarity arid Grace Redundant Categories Every word implies its general category, so you can usually cut a word that names it. Com- pare (the category is boldfaced): During that period of time, the membrane area became pink in color and shiny in appearance . ./' DUling that period, the membrane became pink and shiny. In doing that, you may have to change an ADJECTIVE into an ADVERB: The holes must be aligned in an accurate manner . ./' The holes must be aligned accurately. Sometimes you change an adjective into a NOUN: The county manages the educational system and public reo-e- ationol activities. -/' The county manages education and public recreation. Here are some general nouns (boldfaced) often used redundantly: large in size unusual in nature of a bright color round in shape of a strange type at an early time honest in character area of mathematics in a confused state General Implications This kind of wordiness is even harder to spot because it can be so diffuse: Imagine someone trying to learn the rules for playing the game of chess. Learn implies trying, playing the game implies rules, chess is a game. So more concisely, Imagine learning the rules of chess. 4. Replace a phrase with a word. This redundancy is especially difficult to fix, because you need a big vocabulary and the wit to use it. For example: As you carefully read what you have written to improve wording and catch errors of spelling and punctuation, the thing to do before anything else is to see whether you could use sequences of subjects and verbs instead of the same ideas expressed in nouns. That is, -/' As you edit, first replace nominaJizations with clauses. Lesson 7 Concision 115 I compressed five phrases into five words: carefully read what you have written ---t the thing to do before anything else ~ usc X instead of Y ~ nouns instead of verbs ~ sequences of subjects and verbs ~ edit first replace nominalizations clauses I can offer no principle that tells you when to replace a phrase with a word, much less give you the word. I can point out only that you often can, and that you should be alert for opportunities to do so-which is to say, try. Here are some common phrases (boldfaced) to watch for. Note that some of these let you tum a nominalization into a verb (both italicized): We must explain the reason for the delay in the meeting. ~ We must explain why the meeting is delayed. Despite the fact that the data were checked, errors occurred. ~ Even though the data were checked, errors occurred. In the event that you finish early, contact this office. ~ U you finish early, contact this office. In a situation where a class closes, you may petition to get in. ~ When a class closes, you may petition to get in. I want to say a few words concerning the matter of money. ~ 1 want to say a few words about money. There is a need for more careful inspection of all welds. ~ You must inspect all welds more carefully. We are in a position to make you an offer . .I We can make you an offer. It is possible that nothing will come of this. ~ Nothing may come of this. Prior, to the end of the training, apply for your license. ~ Before training ends, apply for your license. We have noted a decrease/increase in the number of errors. ~ We have noted [ewer/more errors. I , , I, I Iii· 'I: u , , I II 'I 'I 116 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 5. Change negatives to affinnatives. When you express an idea in a negative form, not only must you use an extra word: same ----..') not different, but you also force readers to do a kind of algebraic calculation. These 1\\'0 sentences, for example, mean much the same thing, but the affirmative is more direct: Do not write in the negative. Write in the affirmative. You can rewrite most negatives, SODle formulaically: not different --> similar not many --> few not the same --> different not often --> rarely not allow --> prevent not stop --> continue not notice --> overlook not include --> omit Do not translate a negative into an affirmative if you want to emphasize the negative. (Is that such a sentence? I could have written, Keep a negative sentence when . . .) Some verbs, prepositions, and conjunctions are implicitly negative: Verbs Prepositions Conjunctions preclude, prevent, lack, fail, doubt, reject, avoid, deny, refuse, exclude, contradict, prohibit, bar without, against, lacking, but for, except unless, except when You can baffle readers if you combine not with these negative words. Compare these: Except when you have failed to submit applications without documentation, benefits will not be denied . ./ You will receive benefits only if you submit your documents . ./ To receive benefits, submit your documents. And you baffle readers completely when you combine explicitly and implicitly negative words with passives and nominalizations: There should be no submission of payments without notification of this office, unless the payment does not exceed $100.. Do not submit payments if you have not notified this office, unless you arc paying less than $100. Now revise the negatives into affirmatives: ,/ If you pay more than $100, notify this office first. Lesson 7 Concision 117 Here's the point: Readers think you write concisely when you use only enough words to say what you mean. l . Delete words that mean little or nothing. Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words. Delete words implied by other words. Replace a phrase with a word. Change negatives to affirmatives. Exercise 7.1 Prune the redundancy from these sentences. 1. Criticscannot avoid employing complex and abstract technical terms if they are to successfully analyze literary texts and discussthem in a meaningful way. 2. Scientific research generally depends on fully accurate data if it isto offer theories that will allow usto predict the future in a plausible way. 3. In regard to desirable employment in teaching jobs, prospects for those engaged in graduate-schaal-level studies are at best not certain. 4. Notwithstanding the fact that all legal restrictions on the use of firearms are the subject of heated debate and argument, it is necessary that the general public not stop carrying on discus- sionspro and con in regard to them. 5. Most likely, a majority of all patients who appear at a public medical clinical facility do not expect special medical attention or treatment, becausetheir particular health problems and concerns are often not major and for the most part can usually be adequately treated without much time, effort, and attention. Where appropriate, change the following negatives to affirmatives, and do any more editing you think useful. 6. Except when expenses do not exceed $250, the Insured may not refuse to provide the Insurer with receipts, checks,or other evidence of costs. 7. There isno possibility in regard to a reduction in the size of the federal deficit if reductions in federal spending are not introduced. 8. Do not discontinue medication unless symptoms of dizziness and nausea are not present for six hours. .1 I 118 Stvle: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 9. No one should be prevented from participating in cost-sharing educational programs without a full hearing into the reasons for his or her not being accepted. 10. No agreement exists on the question of an open or closed universe, a dispute about which no resolution is likely as long as a computation of the total mass of the universe has not been done. 11. So long astaxpayers do not engage in widespread refusal to pay taxes, the government will have no difficulty in paying its debts. 12. No alternative exists in this country to the eventual development of tar sand, oil shale, and coal as sources of fuel, if we wish to stop being energy dependent on imported oil. 13. Not until a resolution between Catholics and Protestants in regard to the authority of papal supremacy is reached will there be a start to a reconciliation between these two Christian religions. Exercise 7.2 Here are two actual sentences from two "free" offers. You will not be charged our first monthly fee unless you don't cancel within the first thirty days. To avoid being charged your first monthly fee, cancel your membership before your free trial ends. Which is less clear? Why might it have been written like that? Revise it. QUICK TIP: Try deleting every adverb and every adjective before a noun, then restore only those that readers need to understand the passage. Tnthis passage, which must be restored? At the heart of the argument culture is our habit of seeing issues and ideas as aFla principles at war. To move beyond this siatie aHa lireitiHg view, \\!e can remember the GftifieSeapproach to yin and yang. They are twe principles, yes, but they are conceived not as ft:.. reesneilal3Ie I9sltMopposites but as elements that coexist and should be brought into balance as tU :I98ssiale.As Suzanne Wong Scollon notes, "Yin is always present in LCSMll1 7 Concision 119 and changing into yang and vice versa." How can we translate this tL-ssa-aet idea into ~ practice? -from Deborah Tannen, The Argument Culture A Particular Kind of Redundancy: Mctadiscourse Lesson 4 described METADISCOURSE as language that refers to the following: the writer's intentions: to sum up, candidly, I believe directions to the reader: note that, consider now, as you see • the structure of the text: first, second, finally, therefore, however Everything you write needs metadiseourse, but too much buries your ideas: The last point I would like to make is that in regard to men-women relationships, it is important to keep in mind that the greatest changes have occurred in how they work together. Only nine of those thirty-four words address men-women relationships: men-women relationships ... greatest changes ... how they work together. The rest is metadiscourse: The last point I would like to make is that in regard to ... it is important to keep in mind that ... When we prune the metadiscourse, we tighten the sentence: The greatest changes in men-women relationships have occurred in how they work together. Now that we sec what the sentence says, we can make it still more direct: .I Men and women have changed their relationships most in how they work together. Some teachers and editors urge us to cut all metadiseourse, but everything we write needs some. You have to read with an eye to how good writers in your field use it, then do likewise. There are, however, some types that you can usually cut. I I ! II! , I ! ! I 120 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Metadiscourse That Attributes Your Ideas to a Source Don't announce that something has been observed, noticed, noted, and so on; just state the fact: High divorce rates have been observed to occur in areas that have been determined to have low population density . ./ High divorce rates occur in areas with low population density. Metadiscourse That Announces Your Topic The boldface phrases tell your reader what your sentence is "about": This section introduces another problem, that of noise pollution. The first thing to say about it is that noise pollution exists not only, .. Readers catch the topic more easily if you reduce the metadiscourse: ./ Another problem is noise pollution. First, it exists not only ... Two other constructions call attention to a topic, usually mentioned at least once in the text previous to it: In regard to a vigorous style, the most important feature is a short, concrete subject followed by a forceful verb. So far as China's industrial development is concerned, it will take only a few years to equal that of Japan. But you can usually work those topics into a subject: ./ The most important feature of a vigorous style is a short, concrete subject followed by a forceful verb . ./ China will take only a few years to equal Japan's industrial development. Look hard at a sentence opening with a metadiscourse subject and verb that merely announce a topic: In this essay, I will discuss the role of metaphor in style. I write that kind of sentence when I have no idea where I am going, saying in effect, I have this topic and hope I eventually think or something to say about it. On the other hand, that kind of sentence in a professional journal promises to develop what it names. Lesson 7 Concision 121 Metadiscourse That Hedges and Intensifies Another kind or metadiscourse reflects the writer's certainty about what she is claiming. This kind of metadiscourse comes in two flavors, hedges and intensifiers. Hedges qualify your certainty; intensifiers increase it. Both can not only be redundant, but influence how readers judge your character, because they signal how well you balance caution and confidence. I I I Adjectives Verbs Hedges Adverbs These are common hedges: usually, often, sometimes, almost, virtually, possibly, allegedly,arguably, perhaps, apparently, in some ways, to a certain extent, somewhat, in some/certain respects most, many, some, a certain number of may, might, can, could, seem, tend, appeal; suggest, indicate Some readers think all hedging is not just redundant, but mealy- mouthed. This is: There seems to be some evidence to suggest that certain differences between Japanese and Western rhetoric could derive from historical intluences possibly traceable to Japan's cultural isolation and Europe's history of cross-cultural contacts. On the other hand, only a fool or someone with massive historical evidence would make an assertion as flatly certain as this: This evidence proves that Japanese and Western rhetorics differ because of Japan's cultural isolation and Europe's history of cross-cultural contacts. In most academic writing, we more often state claims closer to this (and look at that for my own hedging; compare the more assertive, In academic writing, we state claims like this): ./ This evidence suggests that aspects of Japanese and Western rhetoric differ because of Japan's cultural isolation and Europe's history of cross-cultural contacts. The verbs suggest and indicate let you state a claim about which you are less than 100 percent certain, but confident enough to propose: ./ The evidence indicates that some of these questions remain unresolved . ./ These data suggest that further studies are neCeSSal)'. I i; ! I, I ,I :1 I: . ;11 Verbs Adjectives Intensifiers Adverbs 122 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Even confident scientists hedge. This next paragraph introduced the most significant breakthrough in the history of genetics, thc discovery of the double helix of DNA. If anyone was entitled to be assertive, it was Crick and Watson. But they chose to be diffident (note, too, the first person we; hedges are boldfaced): We wish to suggest a [not the] structure for the salt of deoxyribose nucleic acid (D.N.A') ... A structure for nucleic acid has already been proposed by Pauling and Corey ... In our opinion, this struclure is unsatisfactory for two reasons: (1) We believe that the material which gives the X-ray diagrams is the salt, not the free acid ... (2) Some of the van del' Waals distances appear to be too small. -J. D. Watson and F. H. C. Crick, "Molecular Structure of Nucleic Acids" Without the hedges, their claim would be more concise but more aggressive. Compare this (I boldface my stronger words, but most of the more aggressive tone comes from the absence of hedges): We "iSH state here a the structure for the salt of deoxyribose nucleic acid (D.N.A.) ... A structure for nucleic acid has already been proposed by Pauling and Corey ... IH 8ttf' 8f1iHisH, [T]his structure is unsatisfactory for two reasons: (1) ,ateselie. e [T]he material which gives the X-ray diagrams is the salt, not the free acid ... (2) ""- at [Tlhe van del' Waals distances (lflf3eal"f'See are 100 small. These are common intensifiers: very, pretty, quite, rather, clearly, obviously, Ul1- doubtedly, certainly, oicourse. indeed, inevitably, invariably, always, literally key, central, crucial, basic, fundamental, major, principal, essential show, prove, establish, as you/we/everyone knows/can see, it is clear/obvious that The most common intensifier is the absence of a hedge. In this case, less is more. The first sentence below has no intensifiers at the blanks, but neither does it have any hedges, and so it seems like a strong claim: Americans believe that the federal government is _____ intrusive and authoritarian. Lesson 7 Concision 123 ./ Many Americans believe that the federal government is often intrusive and increasingly authoritarian, Confident writers use intensifiers less often than they use hedges because they want to avoid sounding as assertive as this: For a century now, all liberals have argued against any censorship of art, and every court has found their arguments so completely persuasive that not a person any longer remembers how they were countered, As a result, today, censorship is totally a thing of the past. Some writers think that kind of aggressive style is persuasive. Quite the opposite: If you state a claim moderately, readers are more likely to consider it thoughtfully: For about a century' now, many liberals have argued against censorship of art, and most courts have found their arguments persuasive enough that few people may remember exactly how they were countered. As a result, today, censorship is virtually a thing of the past. Some claim that a passage hedged that much is wordy and weak. Perhaps. But it does not come on like a bulldozer. It leaves room for a reasoned and equally moderate response. QUICK TIP: When most readers read a sentence that begins with something like obviously, undoubtedly, it is clear that, there is no question that, and so on, they reflexively think the opposite. Here's the point: You need some metadiscourse in everything you write, especially metadiscourse that guides readers through your text, words such as first, second, therefore, on the other hand, and so on. You also need some metadiscourse that hedges y rtainty; words such as erh , seems, could, and so risk is in using too I 'I 124 Style: l.essons in Clarity and Grace Exercise 7.3 Here are sentencesthat announce a topic rather than state a thesis. Delete the metadiscourse and rewrite what remains. Then decide whether the full statement makes a claim that readers would want to read about. For example: In this study, I examine the history of Congressional legislation regarding the protection of children in the workplace. First, delete the metadiscourse: the history of Congressional legislation regarding the protection of children in the workplace. Then rewrite what is left into a full sentence: ,/ Congress has legislated the protection of children in the workplace. That appears to be a self-evident, uninteresting claim. 1. This essaywill survey research in schemata theory as applied to the pedagogy of mathematical problem solving. 2. I will analyze Frost's use of imagery of seasons in his longer poems published at the end of his career. 3. The methodological differences between English and American histories of the War of 1812 resulting in radically differing interpretations of the cause of the conflict are the topic of this study. 4. In this essay, I analyze the mistaken assumption underlying Freud's interpretation of dreams. 5. We will consider scientific thinking and its historical roots in connection with the influence of Egypt on Greek thought. 6. This article discussesneedle sharing among drug users. 7. The relationship between birth order and academic successwill be explored. 8. I intend to address the problem of the reasons for the failure and successof trade embargoes in this century. Exercise 7.4 Edit these for both unnecessary metadiscourse and redundancy. 1. But on the other hand, we can perhaps point out that there may always be TV programming to appeal to our most prurient and, therefore, lowest interests. I Lesson 7 Concision 125 2. In this particular section, I intend to discussmy position about the possible need to dispense with the standard approach to plea bargaining. I believe this for two reasons. The first reason is that there is the possibility of letting hardened criminals avoid receiving their just punishment. The second reason isthe following: plea bargaining seemsto encourage a growing lack of respect for the judicial system. 3. Turning now to the next question, there is in regard to wilderness area preservation activities one basic principle when attempting to formulate a way of approaching decisions about unspoiled areasto be set aside asnot open to development for commercial exploitation. 4. It ismy belief that in regard to terrestrial-type snakes,an assumption can be made that there are probably none in unmapped areas of the world surpassingthe size of those we already have knowledge of. 5. Depending on the particular position that one takes on this question, the educational system has taken on a degree of importance that may be equal to or perhaps even exceed the family as a major source of transmissionof social values. Productive Redundancy Learning by Writing Some teachers think any redundancy signals mental laziness. But we almost inevitably fall into redundancy when we write about a subject that we are just learning. We signal membership in a community by what we say and how we say it, but a surer sign is knowing what to leave unsaid-our community's common knowledge. Unfortunately, learning what not to say takes time. Here, for example, is a paragraph by a good undergraduate writer (1 checked). But he was writing his first paper in a new community, law school: It is my opinion that the ruling of the lower court concerning the case of Has/em v. Lockwood should be upheld, thereby denying the appeal of the plaintiff. The main point supporting my point of view on this case concerns the tenet of our court system which holds that in order to win his case, the plaintiff must prove that he was somehow wronged by the defendant. The burden of proof rests on the plaintiff. He must show enough evidence to convince the court that he is in the right. , " I I I I I 126 Style: Lessons in Clarify and Grace To his legal writing teacher, everything after the first comma was redundant: It is a given that if a court upholds a ruling, it denies the appeal; that the plaintiff can win only if he proves a defendant has wronged him; that the plaintiff has the burden of proof; that the plaintiff has to provide evidence, But at this early stage in his career, this writer was an outsider learning his communitys obvious knowledge, and so could not resist rehearsing it. Metadiscourse about Thinking Just as "belaboring the obvious" signals a writer new to a field, so does using metadiscourse to narrate one's thinking. When we arc comfortable thinking through familiar problems, we don't have to narrate how we do it. But when we are inexperienced, we often feel compelled to tell a story about what we thought and did. Look again at that paragraph by the first-year law student. Not only did he belabor the obvious, he recorded some or his thinking. I boldface metadiscourse and italicize the self-evident: It is my opinion that the ruling of the lower court concerning the case of Haslemv.Lockwoodshould be upheld, thereby denying the appeal of the plaintiff The main point supporting my point of view on this case concerns the tenet ofour court system which holds that in order to win his case, the plaintiff must prove that he was somehow wronged by the defendant. The burden of proo[ rests on the plaintiff. He must show enough evidence to convince the GalAti thxu he is in the right. When we delete the narrative and the obvious, we are left with something leaner: Haslem should be affirmed. because plaintifffailedhis burden of proof. QUICK TIP: Once you have drafted a paper, read it once simply to see whether you have organized it as a narrative of your thinking, Most readers aren't interested in how you thought through an issue; they want to see the results of your having done it. Concise, Not Terse Having stressed concision so strongly, I must now step back. Read- ers don't like flab, but neither do they like a style so terse that it's all , i I I l' Lesson 7 Concision 127 gristle and bone. Here is some amiable advice from the most widely read book on style. the third edition of Strunk and White's The Ele- ments of Style: Revising is part of writing. Few writers are so expert that they can produce what they are after on the first try. Quite often you will discover, on examining the completed work, that there are serious flaws in the arrangement of the material, calling for transpositions. When , that is the case, a word processor can save you time and labor as you rearrange the manuscript. You can select material on the screen and move it to a more appropriate spot, or, if you cannot find the right spot, move the material to the end of the manuscript until you decide whether to delete it. Some writers find that working with the printed copy of the manuscript helps them to visualize the process of changes; others prefer to revise entirely on screen. Above all, do not be afraid to experiment with what you have written. Save both the revised and the original versions; you can always use the computer to restore the manuscript to its original condition, should that course seem best. Re- member, it is no sign of weakness or defeat that your manuscript needs major surgery. This is a common occurrence in all writing, and among the best writers. (199 words) We can shorten that paragraph just by erasing its redundancy: Revising is part of writing. Few writers lty€ S8 €JiflBFt tHRt tfiB) eRH produce what they are after on the first try. Often you will dis- 8H enflhiiniftg the ESFAJ31ete,a.. SAt, fAat tAef'e Rye seRSttS flaws in the arrangement of the material, ealliHg' fer tr-ansfJssiti8Ho. When that is the case, a word processor can save yett' time SHE! IabsF as you rearrange the manuscript. You can seleet matedaJ tHe Sef'eeH a-l'Iel move [material] to a more appropriate spot, or, if you cannot find the right spot, move the material to the end of the manuscript until you decide whether to delete it. Some writers find that working with the printed e r, sf tRe manuscript helps them 'l'e visualize tHe f3Fseess sf changes; others prefer to revise eHtit el) on screen. Above all, he Raaia ts experiment .. itk .. Bali) EHi HR.e .. FiUeR save the revised and the original versions; you can always 1-i.'l8tHe E8M."lf3Htel· te restore the manuscript to its original condition, SH8lctld: tRat esttf'se seefH aest. "RemefHaer, It is no sign of weakness SF aeFeRli that your manuscript needs ¥RajeFsurgery. This is a common in all writing, and among the best writers. (140 words.) With some rewording, we can cut that version by another third (revisions are italicized): Revising is part of writing; because few writers flt SaNee 'hat tAe) 8:Fe 8:FEerSft tAe HtElttl J VI/riteperfect first drafts. If you use a word processor r I I' 128 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace and find OFteR) Sl:I:;.HIElisss .eF se:ASl:iSflaws in its arrangement, 6f..+fle "'+leFt in Sa-58,) Rl:i 8B:F1:t8 sa. StilAe 8:S}Sl:I: 18 € the Jl'l8:f1tl:ssfliflt. "€It'!: SftH 1 81'1tl"lS:,SI'eSFl &t Elyou can move H text to a more appropriate spot. or if you cannot find one to the end €If until you decide whether to delete it. Some writers find tl at 81IEing <itt the printed manuscript helps them te visualize changes; others revise on the screen. Above all, experiment. Save BetAlAeFe. isea aRB-the original version; you can always res+eFe Ft go back to it sFigiHal &eR1:effiaeF,It is no sign of weakness that your manuscript needs surgery. This is common in all writing, and among the best writers. (101 words) And if we cut to the bone, we can cut that in half: Most writers revise because few 'write a perfect first draft. If you work on a computer, you can rearrange the parts by moving them around. If you save the original, you can always go back to it. Even great writers revise, so if your manuscript needs surgel}'. it signals no weakness. (51 words) But in boiling down that original paragraph to a quarter of its original length, I've bleached out its garrulous charm, a tradeoff that many readers would reject. I can't tell you when you've written so concisely that your readers think you are terse, even abrupt. That's why you should listen to what readers say about your writing. They know what you never can: how it feels to be your reader. SUMMING Up In the business world of today, official governmental red tape seriously destroys initiative among individual businesses . .I Government red tape destroys business initiative. J You need more than concision to guarantee grace, but when you clear away deadwood, you can see the shape of a sentence more clearly. 1. Redundant pairs If and when we can define our final aims and goals, each and every member of our group will be ready and willing to offer aid and assistance . .I If we define our goals, we will all be ready to help. 2. Redundant modifiers i , , 1 Lesson 7 Concision 129 3. Redundant categories In the area of education, tight financial conditions are forcing school boards to cut nonessential expenses . ./ Tight finances are forcing school boards to cut nonessentials. 4. Meaningless modifiers Most students generally find some kind of summer work . ./ Most students find summer work. 5. Obvious implications Energy used to power industries and homes will in years to come cost more money . ./ Energy will eventually cost more. 6. Aphrase for a word A sail-powered craft that has turned on its side or completely over must remain buoyant enough so that it will bear the weight of those individuals who VI/ereaboard . ./ A capsized sailboat must support those on it. 7. Indirect negatives There is no reason not to believe that engineering malfunctions in nuclear energy systems cannot be anticipated . ./ Malfunctions in nuclear energy systems will surprise us. 8. Excessive metadiscourse It is almost certainly the case that totalitarian systems cannot allow a society to have what we would define as stable social relationships. ./ Totalitarianism prevents stable social relationships. 9. Hedges and intensifiers The only principle here is the Goldilocks rule: not too much, not too little, but just right. That's little help, but this is a matter where you have to develop and then trust your ear. I I I I i I! Too certain: In my research, I prove that people with a gun in their home use it to kill themselves or a family member instead of to protect themselves from an intruder. 130 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Too uncertain: Just right? Some of my recent research seems to imply that there may be a risk that certain people with a gun in their homes could be more prone to use it to kill themselves or a family member than to protect themselves from possible intruders. My research indicates that people with a gun in their homes are more likely to use it to kill themselves or a family member than they are to protect themselves from an intruder. Lesson 8 Shape I l . I \1 , I The structure ofevery sentence is a lesson in logic. -JOHN STUART MILL Sentences in their variety run from simplicity to complexity, a progression not necessarily reflected in length: a long sentence may be extremely simple in construction-indeed must be simple if it is to convey its sense easily. ---SIR HERBERT READ A long complicated sentence should force itself upon you, make you know yourself knowing it. -GERTRUDE STEIN You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. -WILLIAM BLAKE 131 , , , I' I I I i l 132 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace UNDERSTANDING THE SHAPE OF SENTENCES If you can write clear and concise sentences, you have achieved a good deal, and more if you can assemble them into coherent passages. But if you can't write a clear sentence longer than twenty words or so, you're like a composer who can write only jingles. Despite those who advise against long sentences, you cannot communicate every complex idea in a short one: you have to know how to write a sentence that is both long and clear. Consider; for example, this sentence: In addition to differences in ethnicity or religion that have for centuries plagued Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds, explanations of the causes of their distrust must include all of the other social, economic, and cultural conflicts that have plagued them that are rooted in a troubled history that extends 1300years into the past. Even if that idea needs all those fifty-three words (it doesn't), they could be arranged into a more shapely sentence. We can start revising by editing the abstractions into CHARACTER/SUBJECTS and ACTION/VERBS and then break the sentence into shorter ones: Historians have tried to explain why Sunnis. Shiites, and Kurds distrust one another today. Many have claimed that the sources of conflict are age-old differences in cthnicity or religion. But they must study all the other social, economic, and cultural conflicts that have plagued them through their 1300years of troubled history. But that sentence is choppy, almost immature. We need something like this: ~ To explain why Sunnls. Shiites, and Kurds distrust one another today, historians must study not only age-old differences of ethnicitv and religion, but all the other social, economic, and cultural conflicts that have plagued their 1300years of troubled history. That sentence is forty-one words long, but it doesn't sprawl. So it can't be length alone that makes a sentence ungainly. In this lesson, I focus on how to write sentences that are not only long and complex but clear and shapely. DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION As with other issues of style, you can see sprawl in the writing of others more easily than you can in your own, so you have Lesson 8 Shape 133 I to diagnose your prose in ways that sidestep your intractable subjectivity. Start by putting a slash mark after every period and question mark./Then pick out sentences longer than two lines and read them aloud.lIf in reading one of your long sentences you feel that you are about to run out of breath beforc you come to a placc where you can pause to integrate all of its parts into a whole that communicates a single conceptual structure [breathe], you have found a sentence, like this one, that your readers would likely want you to revise./Or if your sentence, because of one interrupdon after another, seems to stop and start, your readers are, if they are typical, Iikcly to judge that your sentence, as this one does, lurches from one part to the next. Readers get a sense of shapeless length from four things: • The sentence docs not begin with its point. • It takes readers too long to get to the verb in the MAIN CLAUSE. • After the verb, they have to slog through a shapeless sprawl of tacked-on SUBORDINATE CLAUSES. • They are stopped by one interruption after another. Making the Point Clear Here is a basic principle of style: Readers want a sentence to begin with a segment that is short, clear, and easy to grasp. So far, we've focused on short. concrete subjects followed by a specific verb. But we can extend that pri nciplc. Compare these two sentences: A new sales initiative that has created a close integration between the garden and home products departments has made significant improvements to the services that Acme offers. ./ Acme has significantly improved its services with a new sales initiative that closely integrates the garden and home products departments. The second seems clearer for all the reasons we've discussed: it opens with a short, concrete subject followed by a verb naming a specific action. But the revised sentence does something else for readers. It now opens with a short main clause that states its point: Acme has improved its services. That short. crisp point is then followed by details that support and explain it. So it is not just a short, concrete subject that readers look for; they also look for a short, easily grasped point in an opening i I, I: 134 Style: Lessons ill Claritv and Grace main clause that the rest of the sentence expands on, develops, or supports. You can't break out a point in every sentence, especially when the sentence is short. But when you write a long, complex sentence, look for its point, the statement that you most want readers to grasp quickly and surely. When you rind it, put it at the beginning of its sentence, then add to it the longer, more complex material. That's the first step in writing a well-shaped sentence. Revising Long Openings Some sentences seem to take forever to get started: Since most undergraduate students change their fields of study at least once during their college careers, many more than once, first-year students who are not certain about their program of studies should not load up their schedules to meet requirements for a particular program. i- That sentence takes thirty-one words to get to its main verb, should not load up. Here are two rules of thumb about beginning a sentence: 1. Get to the subject of the main clause quickly. Avoid beginning more than a few sentences with long introductory PHRASES and clauses. 2. Get to the verb and OBJECT quickly. Avoid long, abstract subjects and interruptions between subjects and verbs and between verbs and their objects. Rule of Thumb I: Get to the subject quickly We have a problem with sentences that open with long introductory phrases and clauses, because as we read them, we have to keep in mind that the subject and verb of a main clause are still to come, and that load on our memory hinders easy understanding. Compare these. In the first, we have to read and understand seventeen words while holding in mind that we have yet to reach the main subject and verb. In the second, we get past the subject and verb of the first clause in just three words: Since most undergraduate students change their major fields of study at least once duting their college careers, [irst-vear students who are not certain about the program of studies they want to pursue I I 51 Lesson 8 Shape 135 SHOULD LOAD UP their schedules to meet requirements for a particular program. tI First-year students SHOULD KOT LOAD UP their schedules with requirements for a particular program if they are not certain about the program of studies they want to pursue, because most CHANGE their major fields at least oncc dur-ing their college careers. If you open with a long introductory clause, try moving it to the end of its sentence or turning it into a sentence of its own. Occasionally, you have to start a sentence with a subordinate clause, especially if it's an because ifclauses usually refer to ideas already known and so must appear early in a sentence (see pp. 76-77): tI If we are to limit this spread of nuclear weapons, we must guarantee the security of nations wanting to arm themselves against their neighbors. Rule of Thumb 2: Get past the verb and object quickly Readers also want to get past the main subject to its verb and object. Therefore, • keep subjects short • avoid interrupting the subject-verb connection • avoid interrupting the verb-object connection Revise Long Subjects into Short Ones Start by underlining WHOLE SUBJECTS. If you find a long subject (more than seven or eight words) including NOMIl'CALlZAI'10NS, try turning the nominalization into a verb and finding a subject for it (review pp. 38-39): Ahco [nco's understanding of the drivers of its profitability in the Asian market for small electronics helped it pursue opportunities in Africa. tI Abco Inc. was able to pursue opportunities in Africa because it understood what drove profitability in the Asian market for small electronics. A subject can also be long if it includes a long RELATIVE CLAUSE: A company that focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs IS likely to earn the loyalty of its employees. " , 136 Stvle: LeSSO/1S in Clarity and Grace Try turning the relative clause into an introductory subordinate clause beginning with when or it: '" When a company focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher ..level jobs, it is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees. But if the introductory clause turns out to be as long as that one, try moving it to the end of its sentence, especially if (1) the main clause is short and the point of the sentence and (2) the moveable clause expresses newer and more complex information that supports or elaborates on the preceding main clause. '" A company is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees when it focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for htgher-level jobs. Or better yet, perhaps, turn it into a sentence of its own. '" Some companies focus on hiring the best personnel and then train them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs later. Such companies are likely to earn the loyalty of their employees. Avoid Interrupting the Subject. Verb Connection You also frustrate readers when you interrupt the connection between a subject and verb, like this: Some scientists, because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective, do not easily communicate with laypeople. That because-clause after the subject forces us to hold our mental breath until we reach the verb, do not easily communicate. Move the interruption to the beginning or end or its sentence, depending on whether it connects more closely to what precedes or follows it. '" Because some scientists write in a style that is impersonal and objective, they do not easily communicate with Iaypeople. This lack of communication damages ... '" Some scientists do not easily communicate with laypeople because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective. It is a kind of style filled with passives and ... Lesson 8 Shape 137 We mind short interruptions less: ./ Some scientists deliberately write in a style that is impersonal and objective. Avoid interrupting the verb-object connection We also like to get past the verb to its object quickly. This sentence doesn't let us do that: We must develop, if we are to become competitive with other companies in our region, a core of knowledge regarding the state of the art in effective industrial organizations. Move the interrupting element to the beginning or end of its sentence, depending on what comes next: ,/ If we are to compete with other companies in our region, we must develop a core of knowledge about the state of the art in effective industrial organizations. Such organizations provide ... ,/ We must develop a core of knowledge about the state of the art in effective industrial organizations if we are to compete with other companies in our region. Increasing competition ... An exception: When a prepositional phrase you can move is shorter than a long object, try putting the phrase between the verb and object: In a long sentence, put the newest and most important information that you want your reader to remember at its end. ,/ In a long sentence, put at its end the newest and most important information that you want your reader to remember. Here's the point: read most easily when quickly get them to the subject of your main clause then past that subject to its verb and object. Avoid long introductory phrases and clauses, long subjects, and interruptions between subjects and verbs and between verbs and objects. I II . 138 Style: Lessons in Claritv and Grace Exercise 8.1 Thesesentenceshave long introductory phrasesand clauses.Revise. Tryto open your revisedsentence with its point. 1. Since workfare has not yet been shown to be a successful alternative to welfare because evidence showing its ability to provide meaningful employment for welfare recipients is not yet available, those who argue that all the states should make a full-scale commitment to workfare are premature in their recommendations. 2. While grade inflation has been a subject of debate by teachers and administrators and even in newspapers, employers looking for people with high levels of technical and analytical skills have not had difficulty identifying desirable candidates. 3. Although one way to prevent foreign piracy of videos and CDsis for criminal justice systemsof foreign countries to move cases faster through their systems and for stiffer penalties to be imposed, no improvement inthe level of expertiseof judgeswho hear these casesisexpected any time in the immediate future. 4. Since school officials responsible for setting policy about school security have said that local principals may require students to pass through metal detectors before entering a school building, the need to educate parents and students about the seriousness of bringing onto school property anything that looks like a weapon must be made a part of the total package of school security. S. If the music industry ignores the problem of how a rating system applied to offensive lyrics could be applied to music broadcast over FM and AM radio, then even if it were Willing to discuss a system that could be used in the sale of music in retail stores, the likelihood of any significant improvement in its image with the public is nil. These sentenceshave long subjects. Revise. 6. Explaining why Shakespeare decided to have Lady Macbeth die off stage rather than letting the audience see her die hasto do with understanding the audience's reactions to Macbeth's death. 7. An agreement by the film industry and by television producers on limiting characters using cigarettes, even if carried out, would do little to discourage young people from smoking. 8. A student's right to have accessto his or her own records, including medical records, academic reports, and confidential comments by advisers, will generally take precedence over an Lesson 8 Shape 139 institution's desire to keep records private, except when limitations of those rights under specified circumstances are agreed to by students during registration. These sentences are interrupted. First, eliminate wordiness, then correct the interruption. 9. The construction of the Interstate Highway System, owing to the fact that Congress, on the occasion when it originally voted funds for it, did not anticipate the rising cost of inflation, ran into serious financial problems, 10. Such prejudicial conduct or behavior, regardless of the reasons offered to justify it, is rarely not at least to some degree prejudicial to good order and discipline. 11. TV "reality" shows, because they have an appeal to our fascination with real-life conflict because of our voyeuristic impulses, are about the most popular shows that are regularly scheduled to appear on TV. 12. Insistence that there is no proof by scientific means of a causal link between tobacco consumption and various disease entities such as cardiac heart diseases and malignant growth, despite the fact that there is a strong statistical correlation between smoking behavior and such diseases, is no longer the officially stated position of cigarette companies. 13. The continued and unabated emission of carbon dioxide gas into the atmosphere, unless there is a marked reduction, will eventually result in serious changes in the climate of the world as we know it today. Reshaping Sprawl Once readers see the point of a sentence in an uninterrupted subject-verb-object clause, they can deal with longer, more complex chunks of information that follow. But they don't want to slog through sprawl like this: Of the many areas of science important to our future, few are more promising than genetic engineering. which is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself, which are the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts that constitute our bodies. I i! r! I.' \.:' i I " II 140 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace A sentence sprawls when after its verb and object, it tacks on a series of subordinate clauses of the same kind. It looks like this: Of the many areas of science important to our future, [opening phrase] few are more promising than genetic engineering, [subject-verb core} which is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself, [tacked-on relative clause] which are the genes and chromosomes [tacked-on relative clause] that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts [tacked-on relative clause] that constitute our bodies. [final tacked-on relative clause} Diagnose this problem by having someone read your prose aloud. If your reader hesitates, stumbles over words, or runs out of breath before getting to the end'of a sentence, so will your silent reader. You can revise in three ways: 1. Cut. Try reducing some of the relative clauses to phrases by deleting who/that/which + is/was, etc.: .I Of the many areas of science important to our future, few are more promising than genetic engineeri.ng,· kies is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself, ,ckisk aFe the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts that constitute our bodies. Occasionally, you have to rewri te the remaining verb into an -ing form: The day is coming when we will all have numbers that will identify our financial transactions so that the IRS can monitor an activities that involve economic activity . ./ The day is coming when we will all have numbers tkal .. m identifying our financial transactions so that the IRS can monitor an activities #tQl. involving economic activity. 2. Turn subordinate clauses into independent sentences • ./ Many areas of science arc important to our future, but few are more promising than genetic engineering. It is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself, the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts that constitute our bodies. If none of that works, you have to do some major restructuring. Lesson 8 Shape 141 3. Change clauses to modifying phrases. You can write a long sentence but still avoid sprawl if you change relative clauses to one of three kinds of APPOSITlVES, resumptive sumrnative, or free. You have probably never heard of these terms before, but they name stylistic devices you have read many times and so should know how to use. Resumptive Modifiers These two examples contrast a relative clause and a resumptive modifier: Since mature writers often use resurnptive modifiers to extend a line of thought, we need a word to name what I have not done in this sentence, which I could have ended after the word sentence but extended to show you a relative clause attached to a' noun . ./ Since mature writers often use resumptive modifiers to extend a line of thought, we need a word to name what I am about to do in this sentence, a sentence that I could have ended at that comma, but extended to show you how resumptive modifiers work. The boldface resumptive modifier repeats a key word, sentence, and rolls on. To create a resumptive modifier, find a key NOUN just before the tacked-on clause, then pause after it with a comma: Since mature writers often usc resumptivc modifiers to extend a line of thought, we need a word to name what I am about to do in this sentence, Then repeat the noun: Since mature writers often use resurnptive modifiers to extend a line of thought, we need a word to name what r am about to do in this sentence, a sentence ... Then to that repeated word add a restrictive relative clause heginning with that: Since mature writers often use rcsumpuvc modifiers to extend a Iinc of thought, we need a word to name what I am about to do in this sentence, a sentence that I could have ended at that comma, but extended to show you how resumptive modifiers work. You can also resume with an ADJECTIVE or verb. In that case, you don't add a relative clause; you just repeat the adjective or verb and continue: J i tu 'I I 142 Style: Le.SS()!lS in CZar/I)' and Grace ./ It was American writers who found a voice that was both true and lyrical, true to the rhythms of the working man's speech and lyrical in its celebration of his labor . .I All who value independence should resist the trivialization of gov- crnrnent regulation, resist its obsession with administrative tidiness and compulsion to arrange things not for our convenience but for theirs. Summative Modifiers Here are two sentences that contrast relative clauses and summative modifiers. Notice how the which in the first one feels "tacked on": Economic changes have reduced Russian population growth to Jess than zero, which will have serious social implications . .I Economic changes have reduced Russian population growth to less than zero, a demographic event that will have serious social implications. To create a summative modifier, end a grammatically complete segment ora sentence with a comma: Economic changes have reduced Russian population growth to less than zero, Find a term that sums up the substance of the sentence so far: Economic changes have reduced Russian population growth to less than zero, a demographic event ... Then continue with a restrictive relative clause beginning with that: • Economic changes have reduced Russian population growth to less than zero, a demographic event that will have serious social implications. Free Modifiers Like the other modifiers, a free modifier can appear at the end of a clause, but instead of repeating a key word or summing up what went before, it comments on the subject of the closest verb: .I Free modifiers resemble resumptive and summative modifiers, letting you [i.c., the free modifier lets you] extend the line of a sentence while avoiding a train of ungainly phrases and clauses. T.esson 8 Shape 143 Free modifiers usually begin with an -ing PRESENT PARTICIPLE, as those did, but they can also begin with a PAST PARTrCIPLE verb, like this: ./ Leonardo cia Vinci was a man of powerful intellect, driven by [i.e., Leonardo was driven by1an insatiable curiosity and haunted by a vision of artistic perfection. Afree modifier can also begin with an adjective: ./ In 1939, we began to assist the British against Germany, aware [i.e., we were aware] that we faced another world war. We call these modifiers freebecause they can both begin and end a sentence: ./ Driven by an insatiable curiosity, Leonardo da Vinci was ... ./ Aware that we faced another world war, in 1939 we began ... 'Cpoint: When you have to write a long sentence, do t add one phrase or clause Particularly avoid tacking one relative onto another. Try extending the line of a sentence umptive, summative, and free modifiers. QUICK TIP: Some long sentences can easily be divided in two. The easiest is a sentence with a long opening although-clause. Drop the although and begin the following clause with but or however: ./ Although some writers wr-ite well on their own, without the help of direct teaching or models of good prose, most benefit from instruction in the basics of writing graceful sentences . ./ Some writers write well on their own, without the help of direct teaching or models of good prose, but most benefit from instruction in the basics of writing graceful sentences. 144 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace Another easy one is a sentence with a long opening since- clause. Drop the since and begin the next clause with so, therefore, as a result, or some other such connector . ./ Since few writers write well on their own, without the help of direct teaching or models of good prose, most first-year college students would benefit from a course in composition . ./ Few writers write well on their own, without the help of direct teaching or models of good prose, so most first-year college students would benefit from a course in composition. 4. Coordinate. Coordination is the foundation of a gracefully shaped sentence. It's harder to create good coordination than good modifiers, but when done well, it's more graceful. Compare these. My version is first; the original is second: The aspiring artist may find that even a minor, unfinished work which was botched may be an Instructive model for how things should be done, while for the amateur spectator, such works are the daily fare which may provide good, honest nourishment. which can lead to an appreciation of deeper pleasures that are also more refined . ./ For the aspiring artist, the minor; the unfinished, or even the botched work, may be an instructive model for how things should-and should not-be done. For the amateur spectator; such works arc the daily fare which provide good, honest nourishment-and which can lead to appreciation of more refined, or deeper pleasures. -Eva Hoffman, "Minor Art Offers Special Pleasures" My revision sprawls through a string or tacked-on clauses: The aspiring artist may find that even a minor, unfinished work which was botched may be an instructive model for how things should be done, while for the amateur spectator, such works are the daily fare which may provide good, honest nourishment, which can lead to an appreciation of deeper pleasures that are also more refined. Lesson 8 Shape 145 { good, } which provide honest nourishment-c. } be done. { : ~ : : ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ h e d , For the aspiring artist, or even the botched an instructive { should and model for how things should not For the amateur spectator, such works are Hoffman's original gets its shape from its multiple coordinations. Structurally, it looks like this: the daily fare and which can lead to appreciation 01 { more relined, } or pleasures. deeper That second sentence in particular shows how elaborate coordination can get. A General Design Principle: Short to Long We should note a feature that distinguishes well-formed coordination, You can hear it if you read this next sentence aloud: We should devote a few final words to a matter that reaches beyond the techniques of research to the connections between those subjective values that reflect our deepest ethical choices and objective research. That sentence seems to end too abruptly with objective research. Structurally, it looks like this: { those subjective values that reflect our} deepest ethical choices .. . between and objective research. ! :1 I . I . 146 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace This next revision moves from shorter to longer by reversing the two coordinate elements and by adding a parallelism to the second one to make it longer still. Read this onc aloud: .I We should devote a few final words to a matter that reaches beyond the techniques of research to the connections between objective research and those subjective values that reflect our deepest ethical choices and strongest intellectual commitments. Structurally, it looks like this: t/ ... between objective research and { deepest ethical ChOices} those subjective and values that reflect our s t r o n g ~ s t intellectual commitments. A characteristic of especially elegant prose is how its writers elaborate all these devices for extending the line of a sentence, especially balanced coordination. I will discuss those devices and their elaboration in Lesson 9. Here's the point: Coordination you extend the line a sentence more gracefully than by tacking on one el another.'When you Cancoordinate, try to order the e e so that they go from to longer, from simpler to complex. QUICK TIP: You can emphasize a coordination with CORRELATIVE CONJUNCTIONS: both X and Y, not only X but Y, (nteither X (nlor Y. Compare these: .I Great Britain is a good trading partner and a reliable ally in the war against terrorism . ./ Great Britain is both a good trading partner and a reliable ally in the war against terrorism. Lesson 8 Shape 147 When you use one of these conjunctions, however, be sure to put the and, but, or (ntor) before a word that is coordinate with what follows the both, not only, and (n)either. In the first sentence below, not only precedes the verb while the but precedes its subject: When you punctuate carefully, you not only help readers understand a complex sentence more easily, but you enhance your own image as a good writer. They should precede the same part of speech: .I When you punctuate carefully, you not only help readers understand a complex sentence more easily, but enhance your own image as a good writer. Exercise 8.2 In these sentences, create resumptive, summative, and free modifiers. In the first five, start a resumptive modifier with the word in boldface. Then usethe word in brackets to create another sentence with a summative modifier. For example: Within ten years, we could meet our energy needs with solar power. [a possibility] Resumptive: ,/ Within ten years, we could meet our energy needs with solar power, needs that will soar as our population grows. Summative: ,/ Within ten years, we could meet our energy needs with solar power, a possibility that few anticipated ten years ago. Free: ./ Within ten years, we could meet our energy needs with solar power, freeing ourselves of dependence on foreign oil. But before you begin adding resumptive and summative modifiers, edit these sentences for redundancy, wordiness, nominalizations, and other problems. 148 Stvle: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 1. Many different school systemsare making a return back to traditional education in the basics. {a change] 2. Within the period of the last few yearsor so, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent- type quality control requirements. [a challenge] 3. The reasonsfor the cause of aging are a puzzle that has per- plexed humanity for millennia. [a mystery] 4. The majority of young people in the world of today cannot even begin to have an understanding of the insecurity that a large number of older people had experienced during the period of the Great Depression. [a failure] 5. The successful accomplishment of test-tube fertilization of embryos has raised many issuesof an ethical nature that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople. [an event] 6. Many who lived during the period of the Vietorian era were appalled when Darwin put forth the suggestion that their an- cestrymight have included creatures related to apes. 7. In the period known to scholars and historians as the Renaissance,increasesin affluence and stability in the area of political affairs had the consequence of allowing streams of thought of different kinds to merge and flow together. 8. The field of journalism has to an increasing degree placed its focus on the kind of news stories and events that at one time in our history were considered to be only gossipof a salacious and sexual nature. Exercise 8.3 The best way to learn coordination is by imitating it. Try imitating any of the passages laid out above. For example, imitating the Eva Hoffman passage (p. 144-145), you might write this: For the seriousstudent, the library sometimesprovidesa chance to be alone and to think through problems that may be too complex or too painful to think about in a noisy and crowded dormitory. You can find other examples in famous speechesand dictionaries of quotations. Troubleshooting Long Sentences Even when you manage their internal structures, though, long sentences can still go wrong. I:: Lesson R Shape 149 Faulty Grammatical Coordination Ordinarii}, we coordinate elements only of the same grammatical structure: clause and clause, PREPOSITIONAL PHRASE and prepositional phrase, and so on. When you coordinate different grammatical structures, readers may feel you have created an offensive lack of PARALLELISM. Careful writers avoid this: { revising the cuniculum to recogni ze trends in local employment The committee and recommends that the division be reorganized to reflect the new cuniculum. } They would correct that to this: that the curriculum be revised } to recognize ... and that the division be reorganized to reflect .... Orto this: However, some nonparallel coordinations do occur in well- written prose. Careful writers coordinate a noun phrase with a how-clause: { revising the curriculum } to recognize ... ". ... recommends and reorganizing the division to reflect .... , I: I I I I the problems of education in developing nations and how coordinated efforts can address them in economical ways. ". We will attempt to delineate 150 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace They coordinate an ADVERB with a prepositional phrase: { qui ckly, J "The proposal appears carefully, to have been written and with the help of many. Careful readers do not blink at either. Faulty Rhetorical Coordination We respond to coordination best when the elements are coordinate not only in grammar but in thought. Some inexperienced writers coordinate by just joining one element to another with and: Grade inflation is a problem at many universities, and it leads to a devaluation of good grades earned by hard work and will not be solved simply by grading harder. Those ands obscure the relationships among those claims: ,/ Grade inflation is a problem at many universities, because it devalues good grades that were earned by hard work, but it will not be solved simply by grading harder. Unfortunately, I can't tell you how to recognize when elements are not coordinate in thought. Unclear Connections Readers are also bothered by a coordination so long that they lose track of its internal connections and pronoun references; Teachers should remember that students are vulnerable and uncertain about those everyday ego-bruising moments that adults ignore and that they do not understand that one day they will become as confident and as secure as the adults that bruise them. We sense a flicker of hesitation about where to connect: ... and that they do not understand that one day they ... To revise a sentence like that, shorten the first half of the coordination so that you can start the second half closer to the point where the coordination began: ./ Teachers should remember that students are vulnerable to ego-bruising moments that adults ignore and that they do not understand that one day ... 1 Lesson 8 Shape 151 If you can't do that, repeat a word that reminds the reader where the coordination began (thereby creating a resumptive modifier): ,/ Teachers should tryto remember that students are vulnerable to ego- bruising moments that adults ignore, to remember thal they do not understand that ... Ambiguous Modifiers Another problem with modifiers is that sometimes readers are unsure what they modify: Overtaxing oneself in physical activity too frequently results in injury. What happens too frequently, overtaxing or injuries? We can make its meaning unambiguous by moving 100 [requently: ./ Overtaxing oneself too frequently in physical activity results in injury. ./ Overtaxing oneself in physical activity results too frequently in injury. A modifier at the end of a clause can ambiguously modify either a neighboring or a more distant phrase: Scientists have learned that their observations are as subjective as those in any other field in recent years. We can move the modifier to a less ambiguous position: ./ In recent years, scientists have learned that ... ./ Scientists have learned that in recent years their .. Here's thepoint: Even well-constructed long sentences can give readers a problem if they can't connect the second part of a coordination to its starting point or if they are unsure about what a phrase actually modifies. Intrinsic Sense You can use these devices to shape a long yet clear sentence, but not even the best syntax can salvage incoherent content. This next sentence appeared in a Sunday New }brk Times travel section. The sentence before it had introduced the professional women of Amsterdam's red-light district: They are so unself-conscious about their profession that by day they can be seen standing naked in doorways, chatting with their neighbors "'[' , II .1 n I: I ! !,. , I 152 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace in the shadow of the Oudckerstoren Church, which offers Saturday carillon concerts at 4 P.M. and a panoramic view of the city from its tower in summer. This syntactically well-formed sentence opens with a coherent clause: They are so unself-conscious about their profession that by day they can be seen standing naked in doorways . , It continues with a free modifier: ... chatting with their neighbors in the shadow of the Oudekerstoren Church ... then concludes with a relative clause with a balanced pair of direct objects: { Saturday carillon concerts at 4 P,M. } and ... which offers a panoramic view of the city from its tower in summer. But while the syntax is graceful. the movement of ideas is goofy (or evidence of a sly sense of humor). WEAVING QUOTATIONS INTO YOUR TEXT If you use quotations in your text, you are likely to write long sentences, so you should know both the formal conventions for quoting and ways to do it gracefully. There are two general conventions about the length of quotations: • Insert four or fewer quoted lines into your running text . • Set off five or more lines as an indented block. (For guidance on how to punctuate quotations, see pp. t54-155.) four or Fewer Lines Drop in the Quotation An acceptable but artless way to insert a quotation into your text is simply to drop it in, introducing .,l, it with something like Smith sa,vs, states, claims, and so on. If I you do, put a comma after the introductory word and capitalize 'i j ! Ii i I Lesson 8 Shape 153 the first letter of the quotation only if it was capitalized in the quotation: Williams said, "An acceptable hut artless way to insert a quotation into your text is simply to drop it in," If you introduce the quotation with stated that, claimed that, said that, etc., do not use a comma and do not capitalize the firstleller: He went on to say that "if you introduce the quotation with stated that, claimed that, said that, etc" do not usc a comma," Weave in the Quotation Amore graceful way to use a quotation is to weave it into the structure of your own sentence (doing that also helps you incorporate it into your own thinking): In The Argument Culture, Deborah Tannen treats the male-female polarity "more like ends of a continuum than a discrete dualism:' because the men and women we know display "a vast range of behaviors, personalities, and habits." To make the quotation fit your sentence, you can modify its grammar, even add a word or two, so long as you follow these principles: • You don't change its meaning. • You indicate added or changed words with square brackets. • You signal deletions with three spaced dots, called ellipses (in printed text such as this one, they are single spaced). This sentence quotes the original intact: In The Argument Culture, Deborah Tannen claims that "The increasingly adversartal spirit of our contemporary lives is fundamentally related to a phenomenon that has been much remarked upon in recent years: the breakdown of a sense of community." This version both shortens and modifies the quotation to fit the grammar of the writer's sentence: As Tannen says, our "increasingly advcrsarial spirit, .. is fundamentally related to ... the break down of [our] sense of community." If you delete a whole sentence or more, use four ellipses. You can italicize, boldface, or underline words in a quotation to emphasize them, but if you do, always add my emphasis or emphasis mine in square brackets: Lipson recommends that when you paraphrase that you "write it down in your own 'words [my emphasis] ... and then compare your sentence with the author's original." ii I i .I 154 Style: LeSSO/lS in Clarity and Grace Five Lines or More If you quote five lines or more, pUI the quotation into a block quotation (with no quotation marks around it). Indent the same number of spaces as you indent a paragraph; if the quotation begins with a paragraph indentation, indent the first line again: Lipson offers this advice about paraphrase: So, what's the best technique for rephrasing a quote? Set aside the other author's text and try to think of the point you want to get across. Write it down in your own words (with a citation) and then compare your sentence to the author's original. If they contain several identical words or merely substitute a couple of synonyms, rewrite yours. As in that example, introduce most block quotations with words that announce it, followed by a period or colon. But you can also let the quotation com pie te the grammar of your introductory sentence. In that case, punctuate the end of your introductory sentence as you would were you running the block quotation into your text: Agood way to avoid paraphrasing too closely is to think of the point you want to get across. Write it down in your own words (with a citation) and then compare your sentence to the author's original. If they contain several ... Never begin a quotation in your running text and complete it in a block quotation, like this: Agood way to avoid paraphrasing too closely is to "think of the point you want to get across. Write it down in your own words (with a citation) and then compare your sentence to the author's original. If they ... Punctuation with Quotation Marks Here are four principles for using punctuation with quotation marks: 1. If the quotation and your sentence both end in a period, put one period before the quotation mark: President Nixon said, "I am not a crook." Lesson 8 Shape 155 2. If the quotation ends with a question mark or exclamation point and your sentence ends in a period, drop your period and put the question mark before the quotation mark: Freud famously asked, "What do women want?" 3. If the quotation ends in a comma, semicolon, or colon, replace it with whatever punctuation you need in your own sentence . • If your punctuation is a period or comma, put it before a final quotation mark: Falwell claimed. "This is the end," but he was wrong . • If your punctuation is a question mark, colon, or semicolon, put it after the final quotation mark: My first bit of advice is "Quit complaining"; my second is "Get moving." The Old West served up plenty of "rough justice": lynchings and other forms of casual punishment were not uncommon. HO\v many law professors believe in "natural law"? Was it Freud who famously asked! "What do women want"? 4. If you use quotation marks inside a quotation, put your comma or period before both of the marks: She said "I have no idea how to interpret 'Ode to a Nightingale.''' A LAST PRINCIPLE To keep a long sentence from sprawling, begin it so that readers can get through relatively short introductory phrases and clauses, then past a short subject to its verb. Following that verb, readers can make their way through subordinated and coordinated clements (usually arranged from shorter to longer). But every sentence has to end, ideally not with a whimper but at least a small thump, so you must also guide readers toward the emphasis you want them to hear. In Lesson 6, we looked into the matter of STRESS. In the next lesson, I discuss some of the ways that writers can end sentences in especially emphatic ways. I; 156 Style: LeSSOIlS in Clarity and Grace SUMMING Up Here are the principles for giving sentences a coherent shape: 1. Open the sentence with its point in a short main clause stating the key claim that you want the sentence to make: A new sales initiative that has created a close integration between the garden and home products departments has made significant improvements to the customer services that Acme offers . ./ Acme has significantly improved its customer services with a new sales initiative that closely integrates the garden and home products departments. 2. Get quickly to the subject, then to the verb and its object: a. Avoid long introductory phrases and clauses. Revise them into their own independent clauses: Since most undergraduate students change their major fields of study at least once during their college careers, many more than once, first-year students who are not certain about the program of studies they want to pursue should not load up their schedules to meet requirements for a particular program . ./ Most undergraduate students change their major fields at least once during their college careers, so first-year students should not load up their schedules with requirements for a particular program if they are not certain about the program of studies they want to pursue. b. Avoid long subjects. Revise a long subject into an introductory subordinate clause: A company that focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees . ./ When a company focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs later, it is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees. If the new introductory clause is long, shift it to the end of its sentence: ./ A company is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees when it focuses on hiring the best personnel . . . Lesson 8 Shape 157 Or just break it out in a sentence of its own: II' Some companies focus on hiring the best personnel and then train them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs later. Such companies are likely to eam the loyalty of their employees. c. Avoid interrupting subjects and verbs, and verbs and objects. Move the interrupting element to either the beginning or end of the sentence, depending on what the next sentence is about: Some scientists, because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective, do not easily communicate with Iaypeople. II' Because some scientists write in a style that is impersonal and objective, they do not easily communicate with laypeople. This lack of communication damages ... ./ Some scientists do not easily communicate with Iaypeople because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective. It is a kind of style filled with passives . . . 3. After the main clause, avoid adding one subordinate clause to another to another to another ... a. Trim relative clauses and break the sentences into two: Of the many areas of science that are important to our future, few are more promising than genetic engineering, which is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself, which are the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts that constitute our bodies. II' Many areas of science are important to our future, but few are more promising than genetic engineering. It is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself, which are the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts that constitute our bodies. ,,/ Of the many areas of science that aFe important to our future, few are more promising than genetic engineering, INkiek is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself, "RieR are the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts fR.Mconstituting our bodies. I'll 'II I "ll' II' 158 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace b. Extend a sentence with resumptive, surnrnative, and free modifiers: ./ Resumptive: When we discovered the earth was not the center of the universe, it changed our understanding of who we are, an understanding changed again by Darwin, again by Freud. and again by Einstein . ./ Summative: American productivity has risen to new heights, an achievement that only a decade ago was considered an impossible dream . ./ Free: Global warming will become a central political issue of the twenty-first century, raising questions whose answers will affect the standard of living in every Westem nation. c. Coordinate clements that are parallel both in grammar and in sense: Besides the fact that no civilization has experienced such rapid alterations in their spiritual and mental lives, the material conditions of their daily existence have changed greatly too . ./ No civilization has experienced such rapid alterations in their spiritual and mental lives and in the material conditions of daily existence. 4. End your sentence with the appropriate emphasis (review Lesson 6): It is sometimes possible to represent a complex idea in simple sentences, but more often you cannot represent it in that kind of sentence, ./ It is sometimes possible to represent a complex idea in simple sentences. bUL more often you cannot. 5. Instead or just dropping a quotation into a paragraph, try working it into the flow or your sentences: In The Argument Culture Deborah Tannen says, "The female-male polarity, though real, is more like ends of a continuum than a discrete dualisrn.'? ./ In The Argument Culture, Deborah Tannen treats the male-female polarity "more like ends of a continuum than a discrete dualism," Lesson8 Shape 159 because the men and women we know display "a vast range of behaviors, personalities, and habits." A last note: to write a long complex sentence that is also clear, you may need punctuation to help your reader through it. See the Appendix. i I I ) Lesson 9 Elegance Anything is better than not to write clearly. There is nothing to be said against lucidity, and against simplicity only the possibility ofdryness. This is a risk well worth taking when you reflect how much better it is to be bald than to wear a curly wig. -SOMERSET MAUGHAM But clarity and brevity, though a good beginning, are only a beginning. By themselves, they may remain bare and bleak. When Calvin Coolidge, asked by his wife what the preacher had preached on, replied "Sin, " and, asked what the preacher had said, replied "Hewas against it," he was brief enough. But one hardly envies Mrs. Coolidge. -FRANK L. LUCAS Read over your compositions, and wherever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly [ine, strike it out. -SAMUEL JOHNSON In literature the ambition ofthe novice is to acquire the literary language; the struggle ofthe adept is to get rid oiit. -GEORGE BERNARD SHAW 160 I I I, I Lesson 9 Elegance 161 UNDERSTANDING ELEGANCE Anyone who can write clearly, concisely, and coherently should rejoice to achieve so much. But while most of us prefer bald clarity to the density of institutional prose, others feel that relentless simplicity can be dry, even arid. It has the spartan virtue of unsalted meat and potatoes, but such fare is rarely memorable. A flash of elegance can not only fix a thought in our minds, but give us a flicker of pleasure every time we recall it. Unfortunately, I can't tell you how to do that. In fact, I incline toward those who think that the most elegant elegance is disarming simplicity-and so when you something particularly fine, I second Samuel Jo advice: strike it out. Nevertheless, there are a few s that can shape a thought in ways that are both elegant and clear. Just knowing them, however, is about as useful as just knowing the ingredicnts in the bouillabaisse of a great cook, then thinking you can make it. Knowing ingredients and knowing how to use them distinguish reading cookbooks and cooking. Maybe elegant clarity is a gift. But even a gift has to be educated and exercised. Balance and Symmetry What most makes a sentence graceful is a balance and symmetry among its parts, one echoing another in sound, rhythm, structure, and meaning. A skilled writer can balance almost any parts of a sentence, but the most common balance is based on COORDINATION. Balanced Coordination Here is a balanced passage and my revision of it. Atin ear can distinguish them: The national unity of a free people depends upon a sufficiently even balance of political power to make it impracticable for the administration to be arbitrary and for the opposition to be revolutionary and irreconcilable. Where that balance no longer exists, democracy perishes. For unless all the citizens of a state are forced by circumstances to compromise, unless they feel that they can affect policy but that no one can wholly dominate it, unless by habit and necessity they have to give and take, freedom cannot be maintained. -Wahcr Lippmann !I I I 162 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace The national unity of a free people depends upon a sufficiently even balance of political power to make it impracticable for an administration to be arbitrary against a revolutionary opposition that is irreconcilably opposed to it. Where that balance no longer exists, democracy perishes, because unless all the citizens of a state arc habitually forced by necessary circumstances to compromise in a way that lets them affect policy with no one dominating it, freedom cannot be maintained. My sentences lurch from one part to the next. In Lippmann's, we hear one CLAUSE and PHRASE echo another in word order, sound, and meaning, giving the whole passage an intricate architectural symmetry. If we extend the idea of TOPIC and STRESS from a whole sentence to its parts, we can see how he balances even short segments. Note how each significant word in one phrase echoes another in its corresponding one (I boldface topics of phrases and italicize stresses): The national unity of a free people depends upon a sufficiently even balance of political power to make it impracticable. for the administration to be arbitrary and { revolutionary } for the opposition to be and irreconcilable. Lippmann balances the phrasal topics of administration and opposition, and closes by balancing the stressed sounds and meanings of arbitrary, revolutionary, and irreconcilable. He follows wi th a short concluding sentence whose stressed words are not coordinated, but still balanced (I use square brackets to indicate noncoordinated balance): Where [ that balance no longer exists, ] democracy perishes. Then he creates an especially intricate sounds and meanings: Lesson 9 Elegance 163 design, balancing many ,I II I ' ! unless all the citizens of a state are forced by circumstances to compromise, { tha they can 'ff'" policy } For unless they feel but that no one can wholly dominate it, { habit } they { give } unless by and have to and necessity take, freedom cannot be mainta.ined. o He repeats citizens as the SUBJECTltopicof each clause: all the citizens, they, 'hey (note the PASSIVE in the first one: citizens are forced; the ACTIVEversion would have unbalanced the coordination). o He balances the sound and sense of force against feel, and the meaning of affect policy against the meaning of dominate it. o In the last unless-clause, he balances the meaning of habit against necessity, and the stressed give against take. o He balances the meanings of compromise, affect, dominate, and give and take. o Then to balance the clauses of that short preceding sentence, balance no longer exists-democracy perishes, he concludes with an equally short clause, freedom cannot be maintained, whose meaning and structure echo the corresponding pair in the preceding sentence: I, balance democracy freedom no longer exists perishes cannot be maintained For those who notice and care, it is an impressive construction. 164 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Uncoordinated Balance We can also balance structures that are not grammatically coordinate. In this example, the subject balances the OBJECT: Scientists whose research creates revolutionary views of the universe invariably confuse those of us who construct reality from our common-sense experience of it. Here, the PREDICATE of a RELATIVE CLAUSE in a subject balances the predicate of the sentence: [ t hat is unwilling to listen to the ] A government moderate hopes of its reformers must eventually answer to the harsh justice of its revolutionaries. Here a direct object balances the object of a PREPOSITION: Those of us concerned with our school systems will not sacrifice [ the intellectual growth of our innocent children ] the social engineering of to incompetent bureaucrats. A more complicated balance: [ scholarl y ptinciples-" ] Were I trading!" for financial security,2b I I I would not be writing" short books 3a on minor subjccts'" for small audfenccs.:" Lesson 9 Elegance 165 In that sentence, • a SUBORDINATE CLAUSE (1a), Were J trading, balances the MAIN CLAIJSE (1b), I would not be writing; • the object of that subordinate clause (2a), scholarly principles, balances the object in the prepositional phrase (2b), financial security; • the object in the main clause (3a), short books, balances objects in two prepositional phrases, (3b), minor subjects, and (3c), small audiences (with the balanced short, minor, and small). Remember that you usually create the most rhythmical balance when the first element in a balance is shorter than the next ones (see p. 149-150). These patterns even encourage you to think in ways that you might not have otherwise. In that sense. they don't just frame your thinking; they generate it. Suppose you begin a sentence like this: In his earliest years, Picasso was a master draftsman of the traditional human form. Now try this: In his earliest years, Picasso was not only a master draftsman of the traditional human form, but also ... Now you have to wonder what else he might have been. Or not have been. I should cite another device that often appears in elegant prose, one described in Lesson 8-resumptive and summative modifiers (pp. 141-143): The British Empire brought its version of administrative bureaucratic order to societies around the globe, an order that would endure in those lands long after Britons retreated to their own shores. When the poem Howl first appeared, rhc "Beats" and other avantgardes celebrated it as a revolutionary critique of the post-war American world, a view not shared by most mainstream literary critics, who considered it incoherent rant. !! I ".1 , i i I , ,I 166 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace Here's the point: The most striking feature of elegant is balanced sentence structures. You most easily balance part of a sentence against another by coordinating them with and, or, nor, but, and yet, but you can also balance noncoordinated phrases and clauses. Used to excess, these patterns can seem merely clever; but used prudently, they can emphasize an important point or conclude a line of reasoning with a flourish that careful readers notice. Climactic Emphasis How you begin a sentence determines its clarity; how you end it determines its rhythm and grace. Light and Heavy Words When we get close to the end of a sentence, we expect words that deserve stress (p. 95), so we may feel a sentence is anticlimactic if it ends on words of slight grammatical or semantic weight. At the end of a sentence. prepositions feel light-one reason we sometimes avoid leaving one there. The rhythm of a sentence should carry readers toward strength. Compare: Studies into intellectual differences among races is a project that only the most politically naive psychologist is willing to give support 10. .I Studies into intellectual differences among races is a project that only the most politically naive scientist is willing to support. ADJECTIVES and ADVERBS are heavier than prepositions, but lighter than NOUNS, the heaviest of which are KOMINALIZATIONS. Read- ers have problems with nominalizations in the subject of a sentence, but at the end they provide a satisfyingly climactic thump, particularly when two of them are ia coordinate balance. Consider this excerpt from Winston Churchill's "Finest Hour" speech. Churchill ended it with a parallelism climaxed by a balanced pair of nouns: ... until in God's good time, { power } the New World, with all its and might { the rescue and the liberation steps forth to } of the old. Lesson 9 Elegance 167 He could have written more simply, and more banally: ... until the New World rescues us. Elegant Stress: Four Devices Here arc four ways to end a sentence with special emphasis. I. of + heavy word. This seems unlikely, but it's true. Look at how Churchill ends his sentence: The light of (followed by a lighter a or the) quickens the rhythm of a sentence just before the stress of the climactic monosyllable, old: ... the rescue and the liberation of the old. We associate this pattern with self-conscious elegance, as in the first few sentences of Edward Gibbon's History of the Decline and Fall o{the Roman Empire (contrast that title with History of the Roman Empire:" Decline and Fall): ./ In the second century of the Christian era, the Empire of Rome comprehended the fairest part of the earth, AND the most civl- lized portion of mankind. The frontiers of that extensive monarchy were guarded by ancient renown AND disciplined valour. The gentle but powerful influence of laws and manners had gradually cemented the union of the provinces. Their peaceful inhabitants enjoyed AND abused the advantages of wealth AND luxury. The image of a free constitution was preserved \.... ·ith decent reverence: the Roman senate appeared to possess the sovereign authority, and devolved on the emperors all the executive powers of government. In contrast, this is flat: In the second century AD, the Roman Empire comprehended the earth's fairest, most civilized part. Ancient renown and disciplined valour guarded its extensive frontiers. The gentle but powerful in- Iluence of laws and manners had gradually unified the provinces. Their peaceful inhabitants enjoyed and abused luxurious wealth while decently preserving what seemed to be a free constitution. Appearing to possess the sovereign authority the Roman senate devolved on the emperors all executive governmental powers. 2. Echoing salience. At the end of a sentence, readers hear special emphasis when a stressed word or phrase balances the sound or meaning of an earlier one. (These examples are all from Peter Gay's Style in History.) ./ I have written these essays to anatomize this familiar yet really strange being, style the centaur: the book may be read as an , I Ii , 168 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace extended critical commentary on Buffon's famous saying that the style is the man. When we hear a stressed word echo an earlier one, these balances become even more emphatic: '" Apart from a few mechanical tricks of rhetoric, manner is indissolubly linked to matter- style shapes, and in turn is shaped by, substance. '" It seems frivolous, almost inappropriate, to be stylish about style. Gay echoes both the sound and meaning of manner in matter, style in substance, shapes in shaped by, and stylish in style. 3. Chiasmus. This device (pronounced kye-AZZ-muss,) is interesting perhaps only to those fascinated by the most arcane figures of style. The word chiasmus is from the Greek word for "crossing." It balances elements in two parts of a sentence, but the second part reverses the order of the elements in the first part. For example, this next sentence would be both coordinate and parallel, but it does not end with a chiasmus, because the elements in thc two parts arc in the same order (1AlB: 2A2B): t/ A concise style can improve both { our own 1A thinking 1B } and our readers,2A uHderstandhlg.2B Were we seeking a special effect, we could reverse the order of elements in the second part to mirror those in the first. Now the pattern is not lAIB : 2A2B, but rather IAIB : 2B2A: 1/ A concise style can improve not only { ourown 1A thinking 1B } but the understanding 2B of our readers. 2A The next example is more complex. The first two elements are parallel, but the last three mirror one another: AB CDE : ABEDC: Lesson 9 Elegance 169 [ YOU A revealS your own c highest rhetorical D SKILL E ] by the way you A rcspecrf TilE BELJEFS E most deeply held D by your reader.P 4. Suspension. Finally. you can wind up a sentence with a dramatic climax by ignoring advice offered in Lesson 8, where I advised you to open sentences with their point. But selfconsciously elegant writers often begin a sentence with a series of parallel and coordinated phrases and clauses just so that they can delay and thereby heighten a sense of climax: If [journalists] held themselves as responsible for the rise of public cynicism as they hold "venal" politicians and the "selfish" public: if they considered that the license they have to criticize and defame comes with an implied responsibility to serve the public-if they did all or any of these things, they would make journalism more useful, public life stronger, and themselves far more worthy of esteem. -c-James Fallows. Breaking the News Fallows opens that sentence (the last one in his book, by the way) with three if-clauses, then ends it with a triple coordination ending on its longest member, which itself ends with an of + nominalization. Keep in mind, however, that like all such devices, the impact of a long suspension is inversely proportional to its frequency of use: the less often you use it, the bigger its bang when you do. HC1'e'sthe point: strength. You can create a strong 3. End with an echoing salience. 4. End with a chiasmus. !:Suuoup, to the end. I ii I I' , Ii II' I I' , I II, ,II II1 , 'I' I I I I i I I I I I I! 170 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Extravagant Elegance When writers combine all these elements in a single sentence, we know they are aiming at something special, as in this next passage: Far from being locked inside our own skins, inside the "dungeons" of ourselves, we are now able to recognize that our minds belong, quite naturally, to a collective "mind," a mind in which we share everything that is mental, most obviously language itself, and that the old boundary of the skin is not boundary at all but a membrane connecting the inner and outer experience of existence. Our intelligence, our wit, our cleverness, our unique personalities-all are simultaneously "our own" possessions and the world's. -c-Joyce Carol Oates, "New Heaven and New Earth" Here is the anatomy of that passage: Far from being locked inside our own skins, inside the "dungeons" of ourselves, we are now able to recognize that our minds belong, quite naturally, to a collective "mind," { everything thai is mental} a mind in which we share most obviously l a n ~ u a g e Itself, and that the old boundary ofthe skin is 110t boundary at all but a membrane connecting the inner and outer experience of existence. Our intelligence, our wit, our cleverness, our unique personalities { 'our own" posseSSion) -aU are simultaneously and the world's. Lesson 9 Elegance 171 In addition to all the coordination, note the two rcsumptive modifiers: Note too the two nominalizations stressed at the end of the first sentence and the coordinate nominalizations at the end of the second: his life', forever". that FREEDOM 3 be the temporary I sacrifice? of his individual FREEDOM· 3 and This then is the heritage of the pioneer experience-a passionate belief that a democracy was possible which should leave the individual a part t.o play in a free society and not make him a cog in a machine operated from above; which trusted in the common man, in his tolerance, his ability to adjust differences with good humor, and to work out an American type from the contributions of all nations-a type for which he would fight against those who challenged it in arms, and for which in time of war he would make sacrifices, even the temporary sacrifice of his individual freedom and his life, lest that freedom be lost forever. But such patterns can be more elaborate yet. Here is the last sentence from Frederick Jackson Turner's The Frontier in American History: .. , the inner and outer experience of existence . . . . "our own" possessions and the world's. our minds belong ... to a collective "mind," a mind in which we share ... Far from being locked inside our 0\\-11 skins, inside the "dungeons" of ourselves ... Note the following: • the summauve modifier in the opening segment: a passionate belief that . . . • the increased length and weight of the second element in each coordination, even the coordinations inside coordinations • the two resumptive modifiers beginning with type and sacrifice That may be over the top. especially the quadruple chiasmus in the last sixteen words: 172 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace The meaning of temporary balances forever; sacrifice balances lost; freedom echoes freedom; and the sound of lifebalances lest (not to mention the near rhyme of lest in lost). You just don't see that kind of sentence any more. Here is the anatomy of that sentence: This then is the heritage of the pioneer experience- [summative modifier] ...... a passionate belief that a democracy was possible r: which should leave the individual a part to play in a free society and not make him a cog in a machine operated from above; in the common man, in his tolerance, which trusted his ability to adjust differences with good humor, and to work out an American type from the contributions of all nations- [resumpuve rnccmer#1} [resumptive modifier #2] ..--... -e- a type for which he would fight against those who challenged it in arms, and for which in time of war he would make sacrifices, t hiSindiVidual freedom even the temporary sacrifice of and his life, lest that freedom be lost forever. Lesson 9 Elegance 173 Exercise 9.1 You develop a knack for balance by imitating models, not word for word, just their general pattern: Survival in the wilderness requires the energy and wit to overcome the brute facts of an uncooperative Nature but rewards the person who acquires that power with the satisfaction of having done it once and with the confidence of being able to do it again. Think of a subject close to that of the model to make your imitation easy-the academic life, then follow itsoutline: Life as a college student offers a few years of intellectual excitement but imposesa senseof anxiety on those who look ahead and know that its end isin sight. Use models you find here or in sermons, political speeches, and dictionaries of quotations. Try imitating the long sentences on pages 144, 161, and 170. Exercise 9.2 Here are somefirst halvesof sentencesto finish with balancing last halves. For example, given this: Those who keep silent over the lossof small freedoms. finish with something like this: ... will be silenced when they protest the loss of large ones. 1. Those who argue stridently over small matters . . . 2. While the strong are often afraid to admit weakness, the weak 3. We should pay more attention to those politicians who tell us how to make what we have better than to those . . . 4. When parents raise children who scorn hard work, the adults those children become will ... 5. Someteachers mistake neat papers that rehash old ideasfor _.. 174 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Exercise 9.3 These sentences end weakly. Edit them for clarity and concision, then revise them so that they end on more heavily stressed words, particularly with prepositional phrases beginning with of. For example: Our interest in paranormal phenomena testifies to the fact that we have empty spirits and shallow minds. ,/ Our interest in paranormal phenomena testifies to the emptiness of our spirits and the shallowness of our minds. In the first three, I boldface words you might nominalize. 1. If we invest our sweat in these projects, we must avoid appearing to work only because we are interested in ourselves. 2. The plan for political campaign was concocted by those who were not sensitive to what we needed most critically. 3. Throughout history, science has made progress because dedicated scientists have ignored a hostile public that is uninformed. 4. Not one tendency in our governmental system has brought about more changes in American daily life than federal governmental agencies that are very powerful. 5. The day is gone when school systems' boards of education have the expectation that local taxpayers will automatically go along with whatever extravagant things incompetent bureaucrats decide to do. Nuances of Length and Rhythm Most writers don't plan the length of their sentences, but that's not a problem, unless every sentence is shorter than fifteen words or so, or much longer. Artful writers, however, do use the length of a sentence for a purpose. Some write short sentences to strike a note of urgency: Toward noon Petrograd again became the field of military action; rifles and machine guns rang out everywhere. It was nol easy to tell who was shooting or where. One thing was clear; the past and the future were exchanging shots. There was much casual firing; young Lesson 9 Elegance 175 boys were shooting off revolvers unexpectedly acquired. The arsenal was wrecked .... Shots rang out on both sides. But the board fence stood in the way, dividing the soldiers from the revolution. The attackers decided to break down the fence. They broke down part of it and set Are to the rest. About twenty barracks came into view. The bicyclists were concentrated in two or three of them. The empty barracks were set fire to at once. -Leon Trotsky, The Russian Revolution, trans. Max Eastman Or terse certainty: The teacher or lecturer is a danger. He very seldom recognizes his nature or his position. The lecturer is a man who must talk for an hour. France may possibly have acquired the intellectual leadership of Europe when their academic period was cut down to 40 minutes. I also have lectured. The lecturer's first problem is to have enough words to fill 40 or 60 minutes. The professor is paid for his time, his results are almost impossible to estimate.. No teacher has ever failed from ignorance. That is empiric professional knowledge. Teachers fail because they cannot "handle the class." Real education must ultimately be limited to men who INSIST on knowing, the rest is mere sheep-herding. -Ezra Pound, ABC o( Reading Or passion. Here, D. H. Lawrence breaks what could have been a long paragraph into fragmented outbursts. Let us look at this American artist first. How did he ever get to America, to start with? Why isn't he a European still, like his father before him? Now listen to me, don't listen to him. He'll tell you the lie you expect. Which is partly your fault for expecting it. He didn't come in search of freedom of worship. England had more freedom of worship in the year 1700 than America had. Won by Englishmen who wanted freedom and so stopped at home and fought for it. And got it. Freedom of worship? Read the history of New Eng- land during the first century of its existence. Freedom anyhow? The land of the free! This the land of the free! Why, if I say anything that displeases them, the free mob will lynch me, and that's my freedom. Free? Why I have never been in any country where the individual has such an abject fear of his fellow countrymen. Because, as I say, they arc free to lynch him the moment he shows he is not one of them .. 176 Style: Lessons ill Clarity (HIdGrace All tight then, what did they come for? For lots of reasons. Perhaps least of all in search of freedom of any sort: positive freedom, that is. -D. H. Lawrence, Studies in Classic American Literature Self-conscious stylists also write extravagantly long sentences. Here is just a piece of one whose sinuous length seems to mirror the con fused progress of a protest march: In any event, LIpat the front of this March, in the first line, back of that hollow square of monitors, Mailer and Lowell walked in this barrage of cameras, helicopters, TV cars, monitors, loudspeakers, and wavering buckling twisting line of notables, arms linked (line twisting so much that at times the movement was in file, one ann locked ahead, one behind, then the line would undulate about and the other arm would be ahead) speeding up a few steps, slowing down while a great happiness came back into the day as if finally one stood under some mythical arch in the great vault of history, helicopters buzzing about, chop-chop, and the sense of America divided on this day now liberated some undiscovered patriotism in Mailer so that he' felt a sharp searing love for his country in this moment and on this day, crossing some divide in his own mind wider than the Potomac, a love so lacerated he felt as if a marriage were being torn and children lost-never does one love so much as then, obviously, then-and an odor of wood smoke, from where you knew not, was also in the ai r; a smoke of dignity and some calm heroism, not unlike the sense of freedom which also comes when a marriage is burst-Mailer knew for the first time why men in the front line of battle are almost always ready to die; there is a promise of some swift transit ... lit goes on] -Norman Mailer, The Armies of the Night We almost feel we are eavesdropping on Mailer's stream of thought. But of course, such a sentence is the product not of an overflow of feeling hut of premeditated art. • Mailer opens with short. staccato phrases to suggest conlusion, but he controls them by coordination. • He continues the sentence by coordinating free modifiers: arms linked . . . (line twisting . . .Jspeeding up ... • After several more free modifiers, he continues with a resumptive modifier: a love so lacerated . . . • After another GRAMMATICAL SENTEKCE, he adds another rcsumptivc modifier: a smoke ofdignity and some calm heroism . . . ! 177 Lesson 9 Elegance the length ot your sentences only if they are all longer than thirty words than fifteen. Your sentences will vary naturally them in the ways you've seen here. But if ccasion auows, don't be reluctant to experiment. Exercise 9.4 Combine Lawrence and Pound's short sentences into longer ones, like Mailer's. Break up Mailer's sentence into shorter ones in the style of Lawrence and Pound. How do they differ? Imitate the style of Lawrence, Pound, and Mailer. Then transform your Lawrence imitation into a Mailer imitation, and vice versa. Only by expressing the same thought in different styles can you see how different styles can seem to change a thought (a self-conscious chiasmus there). f I Metaphor Clarity. vigor, symmetry, rhythm-prose so graced is a great achievement. But it does not excite us to admire the reach of its imagination. This next passage displays all the devices we've seen, but it reaches beyond its grammar to reveal a truth about pleasure. It embeds a figure of speech in a comparison that is itself metaphorical (I boldface the metaphors): The secret of the enjoyment of pleasure is to know when to stop ... We do this every time we listen to music. We do not seize hold of a particular chord or phrase and shout at the orchestra to go on playing it for the rest of the evening; on the contrary, however much we may like that particular moment of music, we know that its perpetuation would interrupt and kill the movement of the melody. We understand that the beauty of a symphony is less in these musical moments than in the whole movement from beginning to end. If the symphony tries to go on too long, if at a certain point the composer exhausts his creative ability and tries to carry on just for the sake of filling in the required space of time, then we begin to fidget in our chairs, feeling that he has denied the natural rhythm, has broken the smooth curve from birth to death, and that though a pretense of life is being made, it is in fact a living death. -Alan W. Watts. The Meaning of Happiness : I I, ,I 178 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Watts could have written this: . . . however much we like that moment, we know that its perpetuation would interrupt and spoil the movement of the melody. We begin to fidget, feeling he has denied the natural rhythm, has interrupted the regular movement from beginning to end, and that though he makes a pretense of wholeness, it is in fact a repeated end. Those sentences are clear, but lack the startling metaphor of birth and its smooth curve into death. Metaphor can vivify all kinds of prose. Social critics use it: The schoolmaster is the person who takes the children off the parents' hands for a consideration. That is to say, he establishes a child prison, engages a number of employee schoolmasters as turnkeys, and covers up the essential cruelty and unnaturalness of the situation by torturing the children if they do not learn, and calling this process, which is within the capacity of any fool or blackguard, by the sacred name of Teaching. -George Bernard Shaw, Sham Education So do historians: This is what may be called the common-sense view of history. History consists of a corpus of ascertained facts. The facts are available to the historian in documents, inscriptions, and so on, like fish on the fishmonger's slab. The historian collects them, takes them home, and cooks and serves them in whatever style appeals to him. Acton, whose culinary tastes were austere, wanted them served plain ... Sir George Clark, critical as he was of Acton's attitude, himself contrasts the "hard core of facts" in history with the "surrounding pulp of disputable interpretation" -forgetting perhaps that the pulpy part of the fruit is more rewarding than the hard core. -E. H. Can; What Is History? So do biologists: Some of you may have been thinking that, instead of delivering a scientific address, I have been indulging in a flight of fancy. It is a night, but not of mere fancy, nor is it just an individual indulgence. It is my small personal attempt to share in the flight of the mind into new realms of our cosmic environment. We have evolved wings for such flights, in shape of the disciplined scientific imagination. Support for those wings is provided by the atmosphere of knowledge created by Lesson 9 Elegance 179 human science and learning: so far as this supporting atmosphere extends, so far can our wings take us in our exploration. -Julian Huxley, "New Bottles for Old Wine," Journal ofthe Royal Anthropological Institute And philosophers: Quine has long professed his skepticism about the possibility of making any sense of the refractory idioms of intentionality, so he needs opacity only to provide a quarantine barrier protecting the healthy, extensional part of a sentence from the infected part. -Daniel C. Dennett, "Beyond Belief" And even physicists, when they lack terms for new ideas: Whereas the lepton pair has a positive rest mass when it is regarded as a single particle moving with a velocity equal to the vector sum of the motions of its two components, a photon always has zero rest mass. This difference can be glossed over, however, by treating the lepton pair as the offspring of the decay of a short-lived photonlike parent called a virtual photon. -Leon M. Lederman, "The Upsilon Particle," Scientific Arnerican These metaphors serve different ends. Shaw and Carr use metaphor to make their language more intense. Dennett and Lederman use their comparisons simply to explain, and maybe to playa bit. We have to be careful that a metaphor does not distort what we want to express, as do the metaphors in this passage: Societies give birth to new values through the osmotic flow of daily social interaction. Conflicts evolve when old values collide with new, a process that frequently spawns a new set of values that synthesize the conflict into a reconciliation of opposites. The metaphor of birth suggests a traumatic event, but new values, it is claimed, emerge from osmotic flow, a process of invisibly small events. Conflicts do not "evolve"; they more often occur in an instant, as implied by the metaphor of collision. The spawning image echoes the metaphor of birth, but by this point the image is just silly. The writer might have expressed himself in literal language more exactly: ./ As we interact in small ways, we gradually create new social values. When we behave according to an old value and someone else according ~ ! 180 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace to a new one, our values may conflict, but may create a third value that reconciles the conflict. Aristotle wrote, By far the greatest thing is to be a master of metaphor. It is the one thing that cannot be learned from others. It is a sign of genius, for a good metaphor implies an intuitive perception of similarity among dissimilars. But when that perception is not quite right, a metaphor can seem just silly-Huxley comes close with his wings of inquiry Happing in an atmosphere of knowledge. Metaphors can also embarrass us when their buried literal meanings unexpectedly revive, as in this student example: The classic blitzkrieg relies on a tank- heavy offensive force, supported by ground-support aircraft, to destroy the defender's ability to fight by funning amuck [sic] in his undefended rear, after penetrating his forward defenses. We all write unfortunate metaphors like that, so when you do, don't think you're the only one who has. The only way to master them is to keep trying. Here's thepoint: The risk in striving for elegance is that you fail spectacularly and never risk it again. I can only encourage you to accept with good humor all survive. SUMMING Up The qualities of elegance are too varied and subtle to capture in a summary. Nevertheless, elegant passages typically have three characteristics that may seem incompatible but are not: • the simplicity of characters as subjects and actions as verbs • the complexity of balanced syntax, meaning, sound, and rbythm • the emphasis of artfully stressed endings Walter Lippmann's passage illustrates all three: I The national unity of a free people depends upon a sufficiently even balance of political power to make it impracticable for the administration Lesson 9 Elegance 181 to be arbitrary and for the opposition to be revolutionary and in-econcilable. Where that balance no longer exists, democracy perishes. For unless all the citizens of a state are forced bycircumstances to compromise, unless they reel that they can affect policy but that no one can wholly dominate it, unless by habit and necessity they have to give and take, freedom cannot be maintained. He uses only five nominalizations in eighty-eight words: balance twice, and unity, necessity, and freedom once each, Almost all subjccts are short, naming his key characters, and most of his verbs express key actions. And he ends not just each sentence with the right stress, but every clause and even every phrase. You won't acquire an elegant style just by reading this book. You must read those who write elegantly until their style runs along your muscles and nerves. Only then can you look at your own prosc and know whcn it is elegant or just inflated. To make that distinction, I think the only reliable rule is Less is more. Of the many graces of style, the compression of a snail is still, I think, the first. 182 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace SUMMARY:PART 3 In addition to the principles we laid out in Part Two, we add these four: 1. Prune redundancy. • Delete words that mean little or nothing. • Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words. • Delete words implied by other words. • Replace a phrase with a word. • Change negatives to affirmatives. 2. Get the point of the sentence up front in a concise main clause. 3. Get to the verb in the main clause quickly. • Keep introductory clauses and phrases short. • Keep subjects short. • Don't interrupt the subject-verb connection. 4. Avoid extending the line of a sentence by attaching more than one subordinate clause to one of the same kind. Instead, • Coordinate phrases and clauses, balanced ones if you seek a special effect, • Use resurnptive, surnmative, and free modifiers. 5. Try balancing parts of sentences against one another, especially their last few words. PART FOUR Clarity of Form Well begun is half done. -ANONYMOUS The beginning is half of the whole. -PLATO Lesson 10 Motivating Coherence A problem well-put is half solved. -JOHN DEWEY Looking back, I think it was more difficult to see what the problems were than to solve them. -CHARLES DARWIN The formulation of a problem is often more essential than its solution, which may be merely a matter ofmathematical or experimental skill. To raise new questions, net,;!possibilities, to regard old questions from a new angle, requires creative imagination and marks real advance in science. -ALBERT EINSTEP-l The uncreative mind can spot wrong answers, but it lakes a creative mind to spot wrong questions. -ANTONY JAY 185 186 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Crace UNDERSTANDING MOTIVES If we are deeply interested in a topic, we will read anything about it we can get our hands on. We read even more attentively, however, when we read not just about an interesting topic, but about a problem that is important to us-from finding a good job to the origins of life. In that case, we don't need persuading to read about its solution, and when we are motivated to read attentively, we not only read with greater understanding, but what we read seems more dearly written because we engage it so intently. So from the moment you begin to plan a writing project, don't imagine your task as just writing about a topic, passing on information that happens to interest you. See yourself as posing a problem that your readers want to see solved. The Importance ofIntroductions Often, however, the problem you write about might not be one that your readers care about, or even know of. If so, you [ace a challenge not just because you must overcome their inclination to ask So what?, but because you get just one shot at answering that question, in the introduction to your document. That's where you must motivate readers to see your problem as theirs, as well. For example, read this introduction (all these examples are much shorter than typical ones). When college students go out to relax on the weekend, many now "binge," downing several alcoholic drinks quickly until they are drunk or even pass out. It is a behavior that has been spreading through colleges and universities across the country, especially at large state universities. It once was done mostly by men, but now even women binge. It has drawn the attention of parents, college administrators, and researchers. That introduction offers only a topic; it does not motivate us to care about it: unless a reader is already interested in the issue, she may shrug and ask So what? Who cares that college students drink a lot? Contrast that introduction with this one: it tells us why bingeing is not just a topic, but a problem worth our attention: Alcohol has been a big parl of college life for hundreds of years. From football weekend.s to fraternity parties, college student.s drink and often drink hard. But a kind of drinking known as "binge" drinking is Lesson 10 Motivating Coherence 187 spreading through our colleges and universities. It is drinking quickly just to get drunk or even to pass out. Bingeing is far from the harmless fun long associated with college life. In the last six months, it has been cited in at least six deaths, many injuries, and considerable destruction of property. It is behavior that crosses the line from fun to recklessness that kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them. We may not be able to stop bingeing entirely, but we must try to control its worst costs by educating students in how to manage its risks. As short as that introduction is, it has three parts that appear in most of the introductions that appear in print. Each part has a role in motivating a reader to read on. The parts are these: Shared Context-Problem-Solution. Alcohol has been a big part of college life ... drink hard. shared context But a kind of drinking known as "binge" drinking is spreading _ kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them. problem We may not be able to stop bingeing entirely, but we must try to control its worst costs by educating students in how to manage its risks. solution Part 1: Establishing a Shared Context Not all pieces of writing open with a shared context, hut so many do that you may not even be aware of it. We sec a shared context in the second introduction above: Alcohol has been a big part of college life for hundreds of years. From football weekends to fraternity parties) college students drink and often drink hard. shared context But a kind of drinking known as "binge" ... That particular shared context offers historical background, but it has a special role in motivating you to read on: I wanted you to agree with that context just so that I could then challenge It, to say, I" effect, that you may think you know the whole story, but you don't. That but signals the coming qualification: . drink and often drink hard. shared context BUT a kind of drinking known as "bingen drinking is spreading . . . In other words, college drinking seems unproblematic, but It turns out "at to be. I wanted that small surprise to motivate you to go on reading. " I' I, I I '. ; 188 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace No opening move is more common among experienced writers: open with a seeming truth, then qualify or even reject it. You can find countless examples of it in articles in newspapers, magazines, and especially professional journals. This opening context can be a single sentence, as in that example; in a journal, it can be paragraphs long, where it is called a literature review, a survey of what other researchers have said on a topic that the writer will qualify or COIT'eCt. Not every piece of writing opens with this move; some open with the second element of an introduction: the statement of a problem. Part 2: Stating the Problem If tbe writer opens with the shared context, she will typically introduce the problem with a but or however: Aleohol has been a big part of college life for hundreds of years. From football weekends to fraternity parties, college students drink and often drink hard. shared context [But a kind of drinking known as "binge" drinking is spreading through our colleges and universities, It is drinking quickly just to get dmnk or even to pass out. Bingeing is far from the harmless fun long associated with college life. In the last six months, it has been cited in at least six deaths, many injuries, and considerable destruction of property. It is behavior that crosses the line from fun to recklessness that kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them.] problem We may not be able to ... The 1\vo Parts of a Problem Problems, however, are more complicated than they seem. For readers to think that something is a problem, it must have two parts: • The first is some condition, situation, or recurring event: terrorism, rising tuition, binge drinking, anything that causes the second part . • The second part of a problem is the consequence of that condition, a cost that readers don't want to pay, that they want to eliminate or at least ameliorate, because it makes them unhappy: the cost of terrorism is injury and death; the cost of risi ng tui tion is less money for other things or even a lost education. If rising tuition did not make parents and students unhappy, it would be no problem. You can identify the cost of a problem if you imagine someone asking So what) after you state the first part of a problem, its Lesson 10 Motivating Coherence 189 condition. What follows should answer it by stating the cost of the condition. But a kind of drinking known as "binge" drinking is spreading through our colleges and universities. It is drinking quickly just to get drunk or even to pass au t. condition [SO what?1 Bingeing is far from the harmless fun long associated with college life. In the last six months, it has been cited in at least six deaths, many injuries, and considerable destruction of property. It is behavior that crosses the line from fun to recklessness that kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them.] cost of the condition The condition part of the problem is binge drinking; the cost is death and injury. If bingeing had no cost, it would be no problem. Readers have to see the condition and cost together before they see the whole problem. Two Kinds of Problems: Practical and Conceptual But now it gets complicated, because there are two kinds of problems that motivate readers in different ways. You have to write about them differently. • One kind of problem is common in the world of practical affairs, so well call it practical. Binge-drinking is a practical problem. • The other is more commonly written about in the academic world; we'll call it conceptual. Practical Problems Binge drinking is an example of a practical problem because its costs make (or at least should make) readers unhappy. If we can't avoid a practical problem, we must do something in the world at least to ameliorate its costs, at best to eliminate them by eliminating the condition. We can usually name a practical problem in a word or two: cancer, unemployment, binge drinking. But that term names only the condition of the problem, the cause of its costs. You may think that the costs of a problem like bingeing are too obvious to state, but callous readers might think, So what ifcollege students injure or kill themselves? What's that to me? If so, you have to figure out how to make such readers see that those costs affect them. If you can't describe those costs to your readers, they have no reason to care about what you've written (unless they are already interested in the problem). IIIII 'II , Ii 190 Style: L e . ~ S O l l S in Clariryand Grace Writers outside the academic world address mostly practical problems, but most writers inside the academic world address conceptual ones. Conceptual Problems A conceptual problem has the same two parts as a practical one, a condition and its costs. But beyond that, the two problems are very different. • The condition of a practical problem is anything that makes a reader unhappy. If winning the lottery made you unhappy, it would be a practical problem. The condition of a conceptual problem, however, is always the same: it is something that we do not know or understand. We can express the condition part of a conceptual problem, what readers don't know, as a question: How much does the universe weigh? Why does the hair on your head keep growing but the hair on your legsdoesn't? Which is to say, we don't know how much the universe weighs or why the hair on your head keeps growing but not the hair on your legs. That's the first difference between a practical problem and a conceptual problem: the condition is not potentially anything, but instead something we do not know or understand. • The cost of a practical problem is always unhappiness, the cost of a conceptual problem is something more important that we do not understand but want to, because we do not understand the first thing. I know that sounds baffling. It is why students new to academic writing find it so hard to grasp. Think of it like this: • Cosmologists do not know how much the universe weighs. So what? Well, if they knew, they might figure out something more important: what is the fate of existence? Will time and space go on forever, or end, and if they do, when and how? • Biologists don't know why some hair keeps growing and other hair stops. So what? If they knew, they might understand something more important: what turns growth on and off? Here is the other difference between practical and conceptual problems: We solve practical problems by gelling readers (or someone) to do something to eliminate or at least ameliorate the costs. We solve a conceptual problem with information, with an Lesson 1() Motivating Coherence 191 answer to a first question that helps them answer the second question: How much does the universe weigh? Well, it weighs __ - : - ~ _ ..And 110W that we know that, we cal1 al1swer that second, more important question, What is the fate of existence? The al1swer is that in 50 billion years or so, the ul1iverse will (or will 110t) exist. Framing a Conceptual Problem in Writing There are countless ways to frame a conceptual problem. The best way to learn them is to read lots of introductions carefully. But however you frame your conceptual problem, focus on what your readers don't know but should want 10. Then imagine them asking So what? To complete the problem, answer that question. Shared context: Colleges are reporting that binge drinking is increasing. Its practical effects are well understood-death, injury, property damage. shared context Problem: [but its causes are not: Is it a consequence of a personality attracted to risk taking, of specific social situations, or some combination? I condition/finn thing not known [SOwhat? 1 [A better understanding of the causes of bingeing will provide clues to understanding the bigger issue of risk-taking behavior in generaL] cost/second tlting nut known Solution: [In this study, we analyzed ... We found that ... Jsolution All this is hard to grasp if you're new to the academic world. We all understand practical problems because they make us pay a palpable cost. But those new to academic research don't know what gaps in understanding make good conceptual problems, because they don't yet know what others in their field don't know, but want to. (That's a practical problem that only time and experience solve.) Part 3: Stating the Solution Practical Problems Some writers aim only at making readers aware that a practical problem exists. They end their introduction with the condition of a problem, then explain its costs in the rest of their document. They may gesture toward a solution, but they don't try to explain it in any detail. In most academic writing, however, readers expect that a writer who poses a problem will offer its solution and then 192 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace support it. If the solution solves a practical problem, it proposes that the reader (or someone) do something to change a condition in the world: ... behavior that crosses the line from fun to recklessness that kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them.] ~ ( ) ~ l [We may not be able to stop bingeing entirely, but we must try to control its worst costs by educating students in how to manage its risks.] solution/point Conceptual Problems To solve a conceptual problem, the solution will be a statement of something the writer wants readers only to understand or believe: A better understanding of the causes of bingeing will provide clues to understanding the bigger issue of risk-taking behavior in general. cost/second thing not known [This study reports on our analysis of the risk-taking behavior of 300 first- and second-year college students. We found that students most highly attracted to risky behavior were three times more likely to binge than students who were least attracted to risky behavior.] soluuon/p.unt As Darwin and Einstein said, nothing is more difficult than finding a good question, because without one, you don't have an answer worth supporting. Prelude There is one more device that writers use in introductions. You may recall being told to "catch your readers' attention" by opening with a snappy quotation, fact, or anecdote. What best catches attention is a problem in need of a solution, but a catchy opening can vividly introduce concepts central to the problem you pose in the rest of your introduction. To name this device, we can use a musical term: prelude. Here are three preludes that could establish key themes in a paper about binge drinking. 1. A Quotation "If you're old enough to fight for your- country, you're old enough to drink to it." 2. A Startling Fact A recent study reports that at most colleges three out of four students "hinged" at least once in the previous thirty days, consuming more than five drinks at a sitting. Almost half binge once a week, Lesson 10 Motivating Coherence 193 and those who binge most are not just members of fraternities, but their officers. 3. An Illustrative Anecdote When Jim S" president of Omega Alpha, accepted a dare from his fraternity brothers to down a pint of whiskey in one long swallow, he didn't plan to hecome this year's eighth college fatality from alcohol poisoning. We can combine all three: It is often said that "if you're old enough to fight for your country, you're old enough to drink to it."qUOlalioIl Tragically, Jim S., president of Omega Alpha, no longer has a chance to do either. When he accepted a dare from his fraternity brothers to down a pint of whiskey in one long swallow, he didn't expect to become this year's eighth college fatality (rom alcohol poisoning. anecdote According to a recent study, at most colleges, three out of four students have, like Jim, drunk five drinks at a sitting in the last thirty days. And those who drink the most arc not just members of fraternities, but, like Jim S., officers. Drinking, of course, has been a part of American college life since the first college opened ... shared context But in recent years ... pr-oblem Writers in the natural and social sciences use preludes rarely. They are more common in the humanities and most common in writing (or the general public. Here, then, is a general plan for your introductions: Prelude + Shared Context + [Condition + Cost] problem + Main Point DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION II ,I i' I I li,l ' I ,I! 'ii il I :Ii 1': i'll! I I To diagnose how well your readers will see your introduction and its parts, do this: 1. Determine whether you are posing a practical or concep- I tual problem. Do you want readers to do something or just to 1;,'1 understand something? 2. Draw a line after your introduction. If you cannot quickly locate the end of your introduction, your readers will also have a problem and could miss the point of your paper; its main claim. 3. Divide the introduction into its three parts: shared context/problem/claim. If you cannot quickly make those divisions, your introduction is likely to seem unfocused. I,I 194 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 4. Begin the first sentence after the shared context but, however, or some other word indicating that you will challenge that shared context. 5. Divide the problem into two parts: condition and cost. o If you are addressing a practical problem, the condition can be anything that exacts a palpable cost. o If you are addressing a conceptual problem, the condition must be something not known or understood. 6. Imagine a So what? after the condition. o If you are addressing a practical problem, the answer to that question must state some palpable consequence of thc condition that includes unhappiness. o If you are addressing a conceptual problem, the answer to that question must state something bigger and more significant that is not known or understood as a consequence of not knowing or understanding the first thing. 7. Underline your claim. It should be the point of your paper and should, toward its end, in its stress position, state the key concepts that the rest of your paper will develop (more on that in the next lesson). CONCLUSIONS A good introduction motivates your readers, introduces your key themes, and states your main point, the solution to your motivating problem. Get your introduction straight, and readers can read the rest more quickly and understand it better. A good conclusion, on the other hand, serves a different end: as the last thing your reader reads, it should bring together your point, its significance, and its implications for thinking further about your problem. Con- clusions vary more than introductions, but in a pinch, you can map their parts from your introduction. Just reverse their order: 1. Open your conclusion by stating (or restating) the gist of your point, the main claim of your paper, the solution to your problem: Though we can come at this problem of bingeing [rom several directions, the most important is education, especially in the first week of a student's college life, and that depends on a university devoting time and resources to it. Lesson 10 Motivating Coherence 195 2. Explain its significance by answering So what? in a new way, if you can, but if not, restate what you offered in the introduction, now as a benefit: If we do not start to control bingeing soon, many more students will die. If we start to control bingeing now, we will save many lives. 3. Suggest a further question or problem to be resolved, something still not known. Answer Now what?: Of course, even if we can control bingcing, the larger issue of risk- taking in general will remain a serious problem. 4. End with an anecdote, quotation, or fact that echoes your prelude. We'll call this by another musical term, your coda (again, used more often in the humanities and popular writing than in the natural and social sciences): We should not underestimate how deeply entrenched bingeing is: We might have hoped that after Jim S:s death from alcohol poisoning, his university would have taken steps to prevent more such tragedies. Sad to say, it reported another death from bingeing this month. There arc other ways to conclude, but this one works when nothing better comes to mind. SUMMING Up You motivate purposeful reading with this plan for introductions: the key is to state the costs of a practical problem so clearly that readers will not ask So what? but think Whal do we do? That's easy with a practical problem. because costs are always some kind of unhappiness. Here is a plan for introducing a practical problem: ,II I' t 'II II 'I, I: I" I' I I I: I I' " Alcohol has been a part of college life for hundreds of years. From football weekends to fraternity parties, college students drink and often drink hard. sh"rerl context Open the introduction with shared context, a brief statement of what you will go on to qualify or even contradict. " I 196 Style: LesS0/1S ill Clarity and Grace But a kind of drinking known as "binge" drinking is spreading through our colleges and universities. It is drinking quickly just to get drunk or even to pass out. [So what?] conditiollof the problem Bingeing is far from harmless. In the last six months, it has been cited in six deaths, many injuries, and considerable destruction of property. It is behavior that crosses the line from fun to recklessness that kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them. coSlS of the pwblem We may not be able to stop bingeing entirely, but we must try to control its worst costs by educating students in how to manage its risks. solution 10 the prohlem Follow that with a statement of the condition of the problem. Introduce it with a but, however, on the other hand, etc. Imagine a So what? after it. Answer that imagined So what? with a statement of the consequences of that condition, its costs to your readers, costs that they do not want to pay. Conclude with a statement of the solution to the problem, an action that will eliminate or at least ameliorate the costs. Conceptual problems are harder to Irame because you need a question worth answering. What color were Lincoln's socks when he delivered the Gettysburg Address? The answer to that question is unlikely to help us understand anything important. How did Lin- coln plan the Address? If we knew that, we might learn about something much more important: the nature of his creative process. Here is a plan for introducing conceptual problems: Colleges are reporting that binge drinking is increasing. Its effects are well understood-death, injury, property damage. shared context Open the introduction with shared context>a brief statement of what you will go on to qualify or even contradict. L-esson 10 Motivating Coherence 197 but its causes are not: is it a consequence of a personality attracted to risk taking or of particular social situations?] [So what?] "'Joditioll of the problem.first thing nor known [A better understanding of the causes of bingeing will provide clues to understanding risk-taking behavior in genera!.] cost/second thing no! known Tn this study, we analyzed the risk- taking behavior of 300 first- and second-year college students to determine ... We found that ... ] solution to the problem Follow that with a statement of the condition of the problem. Introduce it with a but, however: on the other hand, etc. State something that is not known or well understood. Imagine a So what? after it. Answer that imagined So what? with the cost of the condition, a larger and more important issue that is not known or understood as a consequence of not understanding the first thing. Conclude your introduction with a statement of the solution to the problem, an answer to the first question that helps answer the second one, as well. 'I' Ii , II, II II' Iii ;1 II: " ,I" I, ,II "I I II I Lesson 11 GlobalCoherence One ofthe most diflicult things {to write] is the first paragraph. 1 have spent many months on a first paragraph, and once 1get it, the rest just comes out very easily. In the first paragraph you solve most of the problems with your book. The theme is defined, the style, the tone. -GABRIEL GARCiA MARQUEZ 198 Lesson 11 Global Coherence. 199 UNDERSTANDING COHERENCE In the last lesson, we explained how you must create introductions that do two things: • It must motivate your readers to read by stating a problem that they care about. • It must frame the rest of your document by telling your readers your point and the key concepts that you will develop in what follows. In this lesson, we explain how that second point applies to all the parts of your document-its sections, subsections, and even paragraphs. When we are interested in a subject, we read carefully, and when we read carefully, we can struggle through clotted sentences, if we must. That's why even bad writers get read if they motivate readers to make the effort to understand their gratuitous complexity. But regardless of our interest. we are just defeated by general incoherence. If we can't follow a line of thought, we are likely to give up. Like the terms complex and unclear, though, the terms coherent and incoherent don't refer to anything we see on the page. Coherence is an experience we create for ourselves as we make our own sense out of what we read. That experience depends most on the knowledge wc bring to our reading. We can make sense or almost anything, even incoherence, if we're motivated to read it and we already know a lot about its subject matter. But when we don't have prior knowledge to help us through a text, we depend on signals that we see on the page to help us integrate what we read with the knowledge we have. You help your readers do that by building those signals into your writing deliberately. This lesson explains how to do that. Local Coherence In Lessons 5 and 6, we looked at three features that help readers create "local" coherence in short passages: • Asentence introducing the passage states at its end the key concepts that run through the rest of the passage (pp. 102-104). The ideas in this lesson have been developed and refined together with Greg Colomb, Department of English, University of Virginia. I II III 200 Style: LeSSOHS iH Clarity and Grace • All the sentences that follow observe the principle of old-new (pp.76-77) . • Collectively, their TOPICS focus on a few characters (pp. 80-82). Global Coherence But readers need more than locally coherent passages to grasp the coherence of a whole document. To help them achieve that coherence, you can use a principle we have looked at for writing clear sentences: begin each major unit of a document-each section and subsection-with a short, easily grasped segment that states the point and introduces the rest, the part that is longer and more complex. Then in that part, expand on, develop, or explain what you stated as the point in the first part. (Paragraphs are a special case that we'll discuss later.) To grasp the coherence of a substantial unit of discourse and therefore the coherence of the whole, readers must see four more things: 1. Your readers must know where one section stops and the next begins. Use headings to identify the start of a new section. Create those headings out of the key concepts that you state in your point sentence (for more on that, see (4) below). 2. Readers must recognize a short segment that introduces each section and subsection. 3. At the end of that introductory segment, readers look for a sentence that states the point of the section, a statement that you expand on in the rest of that unit. This is analogous to stating the point of a complex sentence at its beginning and developing it in the rest of the sentence (review pp. 133-134). 4. Toward the end of that point sentence, they must see words that express the concepts that you develop in the rest of that unit. The point of a paragraph is often called its topic sentence; the point of a whole document is sometimes called its thesis. We have no special word for the point of a section, so I will use the term point sentence to name the key statement in sections of all sizes. When readers see that point sentence at the end of a short, easily grasped opening segment, they read and understand what follows more easily. Lesson 11 Global Coherence 201 In the limited space we have here, I can't illustrate these principles with entire documents, or even sections of them. I have to use paragraphs and ask you to analogize the structure of an illustrative paragraph to a whole section of a document. For example, read this: la. Thirty sixth-grade students wrote essays that were analyzed to determine the effectiveness of eight weeks of training to distinguish fact from opinion. That ability is an important aspect of making sound arguments of any kind. In an essay written before instruction began, the writers failed almost completely to distinguish fact from opinion. In an essay written after four weeks of instruction, the students visibly attempted to distinguish fact from opinion, but did so inconsistently. In three more essays, they distinguished fact from opinion more consistently, but never achieved the predicted level of performance. In a final essay written six months after instruction ended, they did no better than they did in their pre-instruction essay. Their training had some effect on their writing during the instruction period, but it was inconsistent, and six months after instruction it had no measurable effect. The first few sentences introduce the rest, but we don't see in them the key concepts that follow: inconsistently, never achieved, no better, no measurable effect; those terms are crucial to the point of the whole passage. Worse, not until we get to the end of the passage do we get to its point: training had no long-term effect. And so as we read it, that passage seems to ramble, until the end, when we can make some sense of it, retrospectively. But that takes more effort than we should have to expend. Compare this version: lb. In this study, thirty sixth-grade students were taught to distinguish fact from opinion. They did so during the instruction period. but the effect was inconsistent, less than predicted, and six months after instruction ended, the instruction had no measurable effect. In an essay written before instruction began, the writers failed almost completely to distinguish fact from opinion. In an essay written after [our weeks of instruction, the students visibly attempted to distinguish fact from opinion, but did so inconsistently. In three more essays, they distinguished fact from opinion more consistently. but never achieved the predicted level of performance. In a final essay written six months after instruction ended, they did no better than they did in their pre-instruction essay. We thus conclude that short- term training to distinguish fact from opinion has no consistent or long-term effect. 202 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace In that passage, we quickly grasp that the first two sentences introduce what follows. And in the second sentence, we see two things: both the point of the passage and its key terms. lb. In this study, thirty sixth-grade students were taught to distinguish fact from opinion. They did so during the instruction period but the effect was inconsistent. less than predicted. and six months after instnlctiol1 ended the instruction had no measurable effect. point ofthe passage As a consequence, we feel the passage hangs together better and we read it with more understanding. We can look at only short passages to illustrate these pri ncipies, but we can imagine how they apply to longer stretches of prose. Imagine two documents: in one, the point of each section and the whole appears at its eI1d (as in (I a» and what openings there are do not introduce the key terms that follow; in the other, each point appears in an introductory segment to every paragraph, section, and of the whole (as in (l bl), Which would be easier to read and understand? The second, of course. Keep in mind this principle about where to put the point sentence in its short opening segment: put it at its end; make it the last sentence that your reader reads before starting the longer, more complex segment that follows . • In a very short passage, the introductory segment might be just a single sentence, so by default, it will be the last sentence readers read before they read what follows. If the passage has a two-sentence introduction (as did (lb», be sure the point of the paragraph is the second sentence, still making it the last thing readers read before they read the rest. • For longer sections, your introduction might be a paragraph or more. For a whole document, you might need several paragraphs. Even in those cases, put your point sentence at the end of that introductory segment, no matter how long it is (shorter is better). Make your point the last thing readers read before they begin reading the longer, more complex segments that follow. Some inexperienced writers think that if they tip off their main point in their introduction, readers will be bored and not read on. Not true. IEyou ask an interesting question, readers will want to see how you support your answer. Lesson 11 Global Coherence 203 write a document that readers will rent, open every section, subsection, he a short, easily grasped introductory segm . Put d of that opening segment a sentence that states both the point of the unit and the key concepts that follow. Point sentences constitute the outline of your document, its logical structure. If readers them, they may judge your writing to be incoherent. Two More Requirements for Coherence We can make sense of almost anything we read if we know its points. But to make full coherent sense of a passage, we must see two more things. 1. Readers must see how everything in a section or whole is relevant to its point. Consider this passage: We analyzed essays written by sixth-grade students to determine the effectiveness of training in distinguishing fact from opinion. In an essay written before training, the students failed almost completely to distinguish fact and opinion. These essays were also badly organized in several ways. In the first two essays after training began, the students attempted to distinguish fact from opinion, but did so inconsistently. They also produced [ewer spelling and punctuation errors. In the essays four through seven, they distinguished fact from opinion more consistently, but in their final essay, written six months after completion of instruction, they did no better than they did in their first essay. Their last essay was significantly longer than their first one, however; Their training thus had some effect on their writing during the training period. but it was inconsistent and transient. What are those sentences about spelling, organization, and length doing there? When readers can't see the relevance of sentences to a point, they are likely to judge what they read incoherent. I am sorry to say that I can't give you a simple rule of relevance, because it's so abstract a quality. I can only list its most important kinds. Sentences are relevant to a point when they offer these: II I 'I' :: " I ,I !I II ,I , 204 Style: Lessons in Clarity (11111 Grace • background or context • points of sections and the whole • reasons supporting a point • evidence, facts, or data supporting a reason • an explanation of reasoning or methods • consideration of other points of view 2. Readers must see how the parts of your document are ordered. Readers want to see not just the relevance of everything they read to a point, but the principle behind the order of its parts. We look for three kinds of order: chronological, coordinate, and logical, • Chronological This is the simplest order, from earlier to later (or vice versa), as a narrative or as cause and effect. Signal time with first, then, finally; signal cause and effect with as a result, because of that, and so on. The passage about the essay research was chronologically organized. • Coordinate Two or more sections are coordinate when they are like pillars equally supporting a common roof. There are three reasons why ... Order those sections so that their sequence makes sense to your reader-by importance, complexity, and so on-then signal that order with words and phrases such as first, second, . . . or also, another, more important, in addition, and so on. That's how this section on order is organized. • Logical This is the most complex order, by example and generalization (or vice versa), premise and conclusion (or vice versa), or by assertion and contradiction. Signal logic with for example, on the other hand, it follows that . . . On Paragraphs It would be easy to say that all paragraphs should follow those principles: • Begin with a short, easily grasped sentence or two that frame what follows . • State the point of the paragraph (in traditional terms its topic sentence) in the last sentence of its introduction. If the introduction is just one sentence, it will be its point, by default. Lesson11 Global Coherence 205 • Toward the end of that point sentence, name the key concepts that run through what follows. The problem is, not all paragraphs follow that tidy structure, and we get through most of the ones that don't just fine. In fact, in different kinds of writing, paragraphs follow different conventions: newspaper paragraphs are often just a sentence long; paragraphs in this book are a bit longer, but not as long as paragraphs in scholarly journals, which can run half a page or more. Second, even scholarly writers write two- or three-sentence paragraphs, some shorter, as transitions, conclusions, introductions, asides, special emphasis, and so on. We can ignore short paragraphs that serve special functions, 'because we have no problem reading (or writing) them. But even many substantial paragraphs of six or seven sentences or more don't have the formal elements we've been describing. Even so, we can see in most of them some kind of opening segment that frames the rest of the paragraph. It might not include its point-that may come later, usually at its end. But the first sentence or two do set up what follows, introducing its key terms. And that is usually enough to help us make sense of what follows. For example, compare these two paragraphs: 2a. The team obtained exact sequences of fossils-ncw lines of antelopes, giraffes, and elephants developing out of old and appearing in younger strata, then dying out as they were replaced by others in still later strata. The most specific sequences they reconstructed were several lines of pigs that had been common at the site and had developed rapidly. The team produced family trees that dated types of pigs so accurately that when they found pigs next to fossils of questionable age, they could usc the pigs to date the fossils. By mapping every fossil precisely, the team was able to recreate exactly how and when the animals in a whole ecosystem evolved. 2h. By precisely mapping every fossil they found, the team was able to recreate exactly how and when the animals in a whole ecosystem evolved. Thcy charted new lines of antelopes, giraffes, and elephants developing out of old and appearing in younger strata, then dying out as they were replaced by others in still later strata. The most exact sequences they reconstructed were several lines of pigs that had been common at the site and had developed rapidly. The team produced family trees that dated types of pigs so accurately that when they I' , ' i ii " ",I Iii 1.1 206 Stvle: Lessons hi Clarity and Grace found pigs next to fossils of questionable age, they could use the pigs to date the fossils. Paragraph (2a) makes its point in the last sentence; paragraph (2b) in its first sentence. But in the context of an otherwise coherent text about fossil hunters and their work, we wouldn't have a big problem understanding (2aJ. And that only emphasizes why it is so important to introduce the sections and subsections of your document clearly, accurately, and helpfully. If your readers begin a section knowing its point, they can manage their way through a few paragraphs that are less than perfect. But if they don't know what your paragraphs add up to, then no matter how well you write them individually, your readers may well feel that the section they constitute is incoherent. DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION To diagnose how easily your readers will see your points and the coherence of your document, do this: 1. Draw a line after the introduction to your whole document. 2. Divide the body of the document into its sections and subsections. (You might introduce them with headings constructed out of the key terms unique to those sections.) 3. Circle the introductory segment of each section. 4. Circle the point of every section. Now look for the following: 1. Segments that introduce major sections should be separate paragraphs. 2. The point sentence for each unit should be close to or at the cnd of each of those introductory segments. 3. Each point sentence should state at its end the key concepts that run through what follows. 4. When read in sequence, those point sentences along with the main point should coherently summarize your whole document. If your readers might not see those features quickly, revise so that they will. Lesson I I Glohal Coherence 207 A BASIC PRINCIPAL OF CLARITY Here is a basic principal or clarity that applies to individual sentences, to substantive paragraphs, to sections and subsections, and to wholes: Readers are more likely to judge as clear any unit of writing that opens with a short segment that they can easily grasp and that frames the longer and more complex segment that follows. • In a simple sentence, that short, easily grasped segment is a subject/topic. Compare these two: lao Resistance in Nevada against its use as a waste disposal site has been heated. lb. Nevada HAS heatedly RESISTED its use as a waste disposal site. • In a complex sentence, that short, easily grasped segment is a main clause that expresses the point of its sentence. Compare these two: 1a. Greater knowledge of pre-Columbian civilizations and the effect of European colonization destroying their societies by inflicting on them devastating diseases has led to a historical reassessment of Columbus' role in world history 1b. Historians are reassessing Columbus' role in world histoD', because they know more about pre-Columbian civilizations and how European colonization destroyed their societies by inflicting on them devastating diseases. The point of sentence (la) is buried at its end. In (lb), the opening clause states the main point of the sentence, its most important claim: Historians are reassessing Columbus' role . . . That claim is then supported by the longer and more complex clause that follows. • In a paragraph, that short, easily grasped unit is an introductory sentence or two that both expresses the point of the paragraph and introduces its key concepts. Compare these two paragraphs: 3a. Thirty sixth-grade students wrote essays that were analyzed to determine the effectiveness of eight weeks of training to distinguish fact from opinion. That ability is an important aspect of making sound arguments of any kind. In an essay written before instruction began, the writers failed almost completely to distinguish fact ,I Iii 208 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace from opinion. In an essay written after four weeks of instruction, the students visibly attempted to distinguish fact from opinion, but did so inconsistently. In three more essays, they distinguished fact from opinion more consistently, but never achieved the predicted level. in a final essay written six months after instruction ended, they did no better than they did in their pre-instruction essay. Their training had some effect on their writing during the instruction period, but it wass inconsistent, and six months after instruction it had no measurable cilcct. 3b. Tn this study. thirty sixth-eTude students \vere taught to distinguish fael from opinion. They did so during the instruction period. but the effect was inconsistent. less than predicted and six months after instruction ended the instnlction had no measurable effect. opening in an essay written before instrucuon began, the writers failed almost completely to distinguish fact from opinion. In an essay written after (our weeks of instruction, the students visibly attempted to distinguish fact from opinion, but did so inconsistently. In three more essays, they distinguished fact from opinion more consistently, but never achieved the predicted level. In a final essay 'mitten six months after instruction ended. they did no better than they did in their pre-Instruction essay. We thus conclude that short-term training to distinguish fact from opinion has no consistent or long term effect. Paragraph (3a) has no clearly distinguished opening unit, and it does not announce the key themes of the paragraph. Paragraph (3b) has a clearly marked opening unit that states the point, and it clearly announces the key themes of the paragraph. o In a section or subsection, that short easily grasped unit may be just a paragraph; in longer units, it will be proportionally longer. Even so, at its end it expresses the point of its unit and introduces the key concepts that follow. There is not enough space here to illustrate how that principle applies to a passage several paragraphs long, but it is easy to imagine. o In a whole document, that introductory unit might be onc or more paragraphs long, perhaps even a few pages. Even so, it should be substantially shorter than the rest, and in a sentence at its end, it states the point of the whole document and introduces its key concepts. Lesson 11 Global Coherence 209 W" ..,,'. the poinit: sentence to DLparagraph to a sec- a ",I,nlp document, same need: to a short, that frames a fol- is longer and more complex. QUICK TIP: Budget your time for both drafting and revision so that you spend most of your time on beginnings: the introduction to thc whole, then thc introductions to major sections, then introductions to subsections, and long paragraphs, then the beginnings of sentences. Get beginnings straight and the rest is likely to take care of itself. The Costs and Benefits of Cookie-Cutter Writing Some writers fear that patterns like these will inhibit their creativity and bore their readers. That's a reasonable concern, if you are writing a literary essay that explores your own thoughts as you have them, for readers who have the time and patience to follow the twists and turns of your thinking. If you are writing that kind of essay for that kind of reader, go to it. Don't tie yourself to what I've said here. On most occasions, however, most of us read less for aesthetic pleasures than for an end more practical-to understand what we need to know quickly and easily. Writers help us do that when they locate point sentences where we expect them and when their sentences follow the principles we've looked at over the course of these eleven lessons. Such writing may seem cut-and-dried-to you, because you will be so conscious of it. But it earns the gratitude of readers who have too little time to read, understand, and remember everything they must and who will, in any event, focus more on understanding the substance of your writing than on critiquing its form. " il i ' , I II I, I: , , ',I 1 210 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace SUMMING Up Plan your paragraphs, sections, and the whole on this model: Researchers have made strides in the early and accurate diagnosis of Alzheimer's, [But those diagnoses have raised A NEW HUMAN PROBLEM about informing those at risk before they show any symptoms or n.] point Not too long ago, when physicians examined an older patient who seemed out of touch with reality, they had to guess whether that person had Alzheimer's or was only senile. In the past few years, however, they have been able to use new and more reliable tests focusing on genetic clues. But in the accuracy of these new tests lies the RISK OF ANOTHER KIND OF HL"MAN TRAGEDY: Physicians may be able to predict Alzheimer's long before its overt appearance, but such an early diagnosis could PSY- CHOLOGICALLY DEVASTATE AN APPARENTLY HEALTHY PERSON. Open each unit with a relatively short segment introducing it. End that segment with a sentence stating the point of that unit. Toward the end of that point sentence, use key terms that the rest of the unit develops. In the longer segment that follows, use consistent topics (underlined). Repeat key terms introduced toward the end of the opening segment (boldfaced, i talicized, and capitalized). Make every sentence follow the old-new principle. Order sentences, paragraphs, and sections in a way that readers understand. Make all sentences relevant to the point of the unit that they constitute. I II PART FIVE Ethics Ethics is in origin the art ofrecommending to others the sacrifices required for cooperation with oneself. -BERTRAND RUSSELL I !' Lesson 12 TheEthicsof Style There is no artifice as good and desirable as simplicity. -ST. FRANCIS DE SALES Affected simplicity is refined imposture. -LA ROCHEFOUCAULD Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. -ALBERT EINSTEIN Simplicity is not a given. It is an achievement, a human invention, a discovery, a beloved belief -W1LLlAM GASS Style is the ultimate morality of mind. -ALFRED NORTH WHlTEHEAD 213 214 Style: LeSS0/1Sin Clarity and Grace BEYOND POLISH It is easy to think that style is just the polish that makes a sentence go down more smoothly, but morc than appeal is at stake in choosing subjects and verbs in these two sentences: 1a. Shiites, Sunnis, and Kurds DISTRUST one another because they HAVE ENGAGED in generations of cultural conflict. t b. Generations of cultural conflict HAVE CAUSED distrust among Shiites, Sunnis. and Kurds. Which sentence more accurately reflects what causes the distrust among the three-their deliberate actions, as in (la), or, as in (lb), the circumstances of their history? Such a choice of subjects and verbs even implies a philosophy of human action: do we freely choose to act, or do circumstances cause us to? Later, we'll look at the way this issue plays itself out in our own Declaration of Independence, Our choice of what character to tell a story about-people or their circumstances-involves more than case of reading, even more than a philosophy of action, because every such choice also has an ethical dimension. The Ethical Responsibilities of Writers and Readers In the last eleven lessons, I have emphasized the responsibility we owe readers to be clear. But if we are responsible readers, we also have a responsibility toward writers to read them hard enough to understand the necessary complexity of ideas that can't be expressed in Dick-and-Jane sentences. It would be impossible, for example, for an engineer to revise this into language clear to everyone: The drag force on a particle of diameter d moving with speed II relative to a fluid of density p and viscosity JI is usually modeled by F = O.5C ou 2A, where A is the cross-sectional area of the particle at right angles to the motion. Most of us do work hard to understand-at least until we decide that a writer apparently failed to work equally hard to help us understand, or, worse, deliberately made our reading more difficult than it has to be. Once we decide that a writer was careless or thoughtless or lazy-well, our days are too few to spend them on those indifferent to our needs. Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 215 But our response to gratuitous complexity only re-emphasizes how responsible we are for our own writing, for it seems axiomatic that if we don't want others to impose carelessly complex writing on us, then we ought not impose it on others. If we are socially responsible writers, we should make our ideas no simpler than they deserve, but no more difficult than they have to be. Responsible writers follow a rule whose more general theme you probably recognize: Write to others as you would have others write to you. Few of us violate that principle deliberately. It's just that we are all so inclined to think that our own writing is clear, that if our readers struggle to understand it, then the problem must he not the flawed expression of our deep thoughts but their shallow reading. But that's a mistake. because if you underestimate your readers' real needs, you risk losing more than their attention. You risk losing your reputation, what writers since Aristotle have called your ethos-the character that readers infer from your writing: does it make them think you are difficult or accessible? amiably candid or impersonally aloof? trustworthy or deceitful? Over time, the ethos you project in individual pieces of writing hardens into your reputation. So it's not just altruistically generous to go an extra step to help readers understand. It's pragmatically smart, because we tend to trust most a writer with a reputation for being thoughtful, reliable, and considerate of her readers' needs. But there is more at stake here than even reputation. What is at stake is the ethical foundations of a literate society. An Ethic of Style We write ethically when as a matter of principle, we would trade places with our intended readers and experience the consequences they do after they read our writing. Unfortunately, it's not quite that simple. How, for example, do we think about those who write opaquely without knowing they do; or those who knowingly write that way and defend it? Unintended Obscurity Those who write in ways that seem dense and convoluted rarely think they do, much less intend to. , I ~ i ,'I 216 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace For example, I do not believe that the writers of this next passage intended to write it as unclearly as they did: A major condition affecting adult reliance on early communicative patterns is the extent to which the communication has been planned prior to its delivery. Adult speech behaviour takes on many of the characteristics of child language, where the communication is spontaneous and relatively unpredictable. -E. Oehs and B. Schieflelin, Planned and Unplanned Discourse That means (I think), When we speak spontaneously, we rely on patterns of child language. The authors might object that I have oversimplified their meaning, but those eleven words express what I remember from their forty-four, and what really counts, after all, is not what we understand as we read, but how well we remember it the next day. The ethical issue here is not those writers' willful indifference, but their innocent ignorance. In that case, when writers don't know better, we readers have the duty to meet another term of the reader-writer contract: we must not just read carefully, but when given the opportunity, respond candidly and helpfully. I know many of you think that right now you do not have the standing to do that. But one day, you will. Intended Misdirection The ethics of writing are clearer when writers knowingly use language in their own self-interest rather than yours. Example #1: Who Erred? For example, a few years ago, the Sears Company was accused of overcharging for automobile repairs. It responded with an ad saying, with over two million automotive customers serviced last year in California alone, mistakes may have OCCUlTed.However, Sears wants you to know that we would never intentionally violate the trust customers have shown in our company for 105 years. In the first sentence, the writer avoided mentioning Sears as the party responsible for mistakes. He could have used a PASSIVE verb: ... mistakes may have been made. Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 217 But that would have encouraged us to wonder By whom? Instead, the writer found a verb that moved Sears off stage by saying mistakes just "occurred," seemingly on their own. In the second sentence of that ad, though, the wriLer focused on Sears, the responsible agent, because he wanted to emphasize its good intentions. Sears ... would never intentionally violate ... If we revise the first sentence to focus on Sears and the second to hide it, we get a different effect: When we serviced over two million automotive customers last year in California, we made mistakes. However; you should know that no intentional violation of 105 years of trust occurred. That's a small point of stylistic manipulation, self-interested but innocent of any malign motives. This next one is more significant. Example #2: Who Pays? Consider this letter from a natural gas utility telling me and hundreds of thousands of other customers that it was raising our rates. (The TOPIC/SUBJECT in every CLAUSE, MAIN or SUBORDINATE, is boldfaced.) The Illinois Commerce Commission has authorized a restructuring of our rates together with an increase in Set-vice Charge revenues effective with service rendered on and after November 12, 1990. This is the first increase in rates for Peoples Gas in over six years. The restructuring of rates is consistent with the policy of the Public Utilities Act that rates for service to various classes of utility customers be based upon the cost. of providing that service. The new rates move revenues from every class of customer closer to the cost actually incurred to provide gas service. That notice is a model of misdirection: after the first sentence, the writer never begins a sentence with a human character, least of all the character whose interests are most at stake-me, the reader. He (or perhaps she) mentions me only twice, in the third person, never as a topic/agent/subject: ... for service to various classes of utility customers .. move revenues from every class of customer The writer mentions the company only once, in the third person, and not as a responsible topic/agent/subject: ... increase in rates for Peoples Gas i I 218 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Had the company wanted to make clear who the real "doer" was and who was being done to, the notice would have read more like this; According to the Illinois Commerce Commission, we can now make you pay more for your gas service after November 12, 1990. We have not made you pay more in over six years, but under the Public Utili- ties Act, now we can. If the writer intended to deflect responsibility, then we can reasonably charge him with breaching the First Rule of Ethical Wri ting, for surely, he would not want that same kind of writing directed to him, systemalieally hiding who is doing what in a matter elose to his interests, Example #3: Who Dies? Finally, here is a passage that raises an even greater ethical issue, one involving life and death, Some time ago, the Government Accounting Office investigated why more than half the car owners who got recall letters did not comply with them. The GAO found that car owners could not understand the letters or were not sufficiently alarmed by them to bring their cars back to the dealer for service. I received the following, It shows how writers can meet a legal obligation while evading an ethical one (I number the sentences); JAdefect which involves the possible failure of a frame support plate may exist on your vehicle. 2This plate (front suspension pivot bar support plate) connects a portion of the front suspension to the vehicle frame, and 3it5failure could affect vehicle directional control, particularly during heavy brake application. 4In addition, your vehicle may require adjustment service to the hood secondary catch system. "Ihe secondary catch may be misaligned so that the hood may not be adequately restrained to prevent hood fly-up in the event the primal}' latch is inadvertently left unengaged. <Sudden hood fly-up beyond the secondary catch while driving could impair driver visibility. 7In certain circumstances, occurrence of either of the above conditions could result in vehicle crash without prior warning. (When asked my make of car, I dodge the question.) First, look at the subject/topics of the sentences: 'a defect -thts plate "its failure "your vehicle "the secondary catch "sudden hood fly-up 70ccurrence of either condition Lesson 12 The Ethics ofStvle 219 The main character/topic of that story is not me, the driver, but my car and its parts. In fact, the writers ignored me almost entirely (I am in your vehicle twice and driver once), and omitted all references to themselves. In sum, it says, There is a car that might have defective parts. Its plate could fail and its hood fly up_If they do, it could crash without warning. The writers-prohahly a committee of lawyers-also nominalized verbs and made others passive when they referred to actions that might alarm me (n ~ nominalization, p ~ passive): Failure n be misaligned p left unengaged p vehicle directional control ; not restrained )J driver visibility n heavy brake application n hood fly-up n warning n If the writers intended to deflect my fear and maybe my anger, then they violated their ethical duty to write to me as they would have me write to them, for surely they would not swap places with a reader deliberately lulled into ignoring a condition that threatened his life. Of course, being candid has its costs. I would be naive to claim that everyone is free to write as he or she pleases, especially when a writer's job depends on protecting an employer's self-interest. Maybe the writers of that letter felt coerced into writing it as they did. But that doesn't mitigate the consequences. When we knowingly write in ways that we would not want others to write to us, we abrade the trust that sustains a civil society. We should not, of course, confuse unethical indirectness with the human impulse to soften bad news. When a supervisor says I'm afraid our new funding didn't come through, we know it means 'You have no job.' But that indirectness is motivated not by dishonesty, but by kindness. In short, our choice of subjects is crucial not only when we want to be clear, but also when we want to be honest or deceptive. , . ; . I; tI I 220 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Exercise 12.1 Revise the gas rate notice, using you as a topidagentlsubject. Then revise again, using we. For example: As the Illinois Commerce Commission has authorized, you will have to pay us higher service charges after November 12, 1990/we can charge you more after November 12 ... Would the company resist sending either revision? Why? Was the original "good" writing? What do you mean by good? Exercise 12.2 Revise the recall letter, making you the subject of as many verbs and naming as many actions in verbs as you can. One of the sentences wi II read, If you BRAKEhard and the plate FAILS, you could ... Would the company be reluctant to send out that version? Is the original letter "good" writing? Which of the following, if either, is closer to the "truth"? Isthat even the right question? If the plate fails, you could crash. If the plate fails, your car could crash. Rationalizing Opacity Necessary Complexity A more complicated ethical issue is how we should respond to those who know they write in a complex style, but claim they must, because they are breaking new intellectual ground. Are they right, or is that self-serving rationalization? This is a vexing question, not just because we can settle it only case-by-case, but because we may not be able to settle some cases at all, at least not to everyone's satisfaction. Here, for example, is a sentence from a leading figure in contemporary literary theory: If. for a while, the ruse of desire is calculable for the uses of discipline soon the repetition of guilt, justification, pseudo-scientific theories, superstition, spurious authorities and classifications can he seen as !,j Lesson 12 The EthicsofStylc 221 the desperate effort to "normalize"[ormally the disturbance of a discourse of splitting that violates the rational, enlightened claims of its enunciatory modality. -Homi K. Babba Does that sentence express a thought so complex, so nuanced that its substance can be expressed only as written? Or is it babble? How do we decide whether in fact his nuances are, at least for ordinarily competent readers, just not accessible, given the time most of us have for figuring them out? We owe readers an ethical duty to write precise and nuanced prose, but we ought not assume that they owe us an indefinite amount of their time to unpack it. If we choose to write in ways that we know will make readers struggle-well, it's a free country. In the marketplace of ideas, truth is the prime value, but not the only one. Another is the time it takes to find it. In the final analysis, I can suggest only that when writers claim their prose style must be difficult because their ideas are new, they are, as a matter of simple fact, more often wrong than right. The philosopher of language Ludwig Wittgenstein said, Whatever can be thought can be thought clearly; whatever can be written can be written clearly. I'd add a nuance: Whatever can be written can usually be written more clearly, with just a bit more effort. Salutary Complexity/Subversive Clarity There are two more defenses of complexity: one claims that complexity is good for us, the other that clarity is bad. As to the first claim, some argue that the harder we have to work to understand what we read, the more deeply we think and the better we understand. Everyone should be happy to know that no evidence supports so foolish a claim, and substantial evidence contradicts it. As to the second claim, some argue that "clarity" is a device wielded by those in power to mislead us about who really controls our lives. By speaking in deceptively simple ways, they say, those who control the facts dumb them down, rendering us unable to understand the full complexity of our political and social circumstances: I I 222 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace The cal! to write curriculum in a language that is touted as clear and accessible is evidence of a moral and political vision that increasingly collapses under the weight of its own anti-intellectualism. _.. [T]hose who make a call for clear writing synonymous with an attack on critical educators have missed the role that the "language of clarity" plays in a dominant culture that cleverly and powerfully uses "clear" and "simplistic" language to systematically undermine and prevent the conditions from arising for a public culture to engage in rudimental)' forms of complex and critical thinking. -c-Stanley Aronowitz, Postmodern Education The writer makes one good point: language is deeply implicated in politics, ideology, and control. In our earliest history, the educated elite used writing itself to exclude the illiterate, then Latin and French to exclude those who knew only English. More recently, those in authority have relied on a vocabulary thick with Latinate nominalizations and on a Standard English that requires those Outs aspiring to join the Ins to submit to a decade-long education, during which time they are expected to acquire not only the language of the Ins, but their values, as well. Moreover, clarity is not a natural virtue, corrupted by fallen academics, bureaucrats, and others jealous to preserve their authority. Clarity is a value that is created by society and that society must work hard to maintain, for it is not just hard to write clearly. It is almost an unnatural act. It has to he learned, sometimes painfully (as this book demonstrates). So is clarity an ideological value? Well of course it is. How could it be otherwise? But those who attack clarity as a conspiracy to oversimplify complicated social issues arc as wrong as those who attack science because some use it for malign ends: neither science nor clarity is a threat: we are threatened by those who use clarity (or science) to deceive us. It is not clarity that subverts, but the unethical use of it. We must simply insist that, in principle, those who manage our affairs have a duty to tell us the truth as clearly as they can. They probably won't, but that just shifts the burden to us to call them out on it. With every sentence we write we have to choose, and the ethical quality of our choices depends on the motives behind them. Only by knowing motives can we know whether a writer of clear or complex prose would willingly be the object of such writing, to be influenced (or manipulated) in the same way, with the same result. That seems simple enough. But it's not. Lesson 12 The Ethicsof Style 223 AN EXTENDED ANALYSIS It is easy to abuse wri ters who seem to manipulate us through their language for their own, self-interested ends. It is more difficult to think about these matters when we are manipulated by those whom we would never charge with deceit. But it is just such cases that force us to think the hardest about matters of style and ethics. The most celebrated texts in our history are the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and Abraham Lincoln's Get- tysburg Address and Second Inaugural Address. In previous editions, I discussed how Lincoln artfully manipulated the language of his Gettysburg Address and Second Inaugural Address. Here I examine how Thomas Jefferson managed his prose style in our Declaration of Independence to influence how we judge the logic of his argument. The Declaration is celebrated for its logic. After a discussion of human rights and their origin, Jefferson laid out a simple syllogism: Major premise: When a long train of abuses by a government evinces a design to reduce a people under despotism, they must throw off such government. Minor premise: These colonies have been abused by a tyrant who evinces such a design. Conclusion: We therefore declare that these colonies are free and independent states. Jefferson's argument is as straightforward as the language expressing it is artful. Jefferson begins with a preamble that explains why the colonists decided to justify their declaration: When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary" for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. He then organizes the Declaration into three parts. In the first, he offers as his major premise, a philosophical justification for a people to throw off a tyranny and replace it with a government of their own: ,II 224 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to tight themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these slates. Part 2 of the Declaration begins with the words To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world. Those facts constitute a list King George's offenses against the colonies, evidence supporting Jefferson's minor premise that the king intended to establish "an absolute Tyranny over these States": He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good. He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them. He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only. He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant ... Part 3 opens by reviewing the colonists' attempts to avoid separation: Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 225 In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people. Nor have we been wanting in attention to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends. Part 3 ends with the declaration of independence: We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of Amer- ica, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united colonies are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And [or the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor. Jefferson's argument is a model of cool logic, but as logical as it is, he artfully managed his language in its tacit support. Parts 2 and 3 reflect the principles of clarity explained in Lessons 3-7. In part 2, Jefferson made He (King George) the short, concrete topic/subject/agent of all the actions named. He has refused , He has forbidden . He has refused . He has called together . . . 1,1 II, 226 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace He could have wri tten this: His assent to laws, the. most wholesome and necessary for the public good, has not been forthcoming . . . His governors have failed to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance ... Legislative bodies have had to meet at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records ... Or he could have consistently focused on the colonists: We have been deprived of Laws, the most wholesome and necessary ... We lack Laws of immediate and pressing importance. , . We have had to meet at places usual, uncomfortable ... In other words, Jefferson was not forced by the nature of things to make King George the active agen t of every oppressive action. But that choice supported his argument that the king was a willfully abusive tyrant. That choice of subject seems so natural, however, that we don't notice it was a choice, In part 3, Jefferson also wrote in a style that reflects our principles of clarity: he again matched the characters in his story to the subject/topics of his sentences. But here he switched characters to the colonists, named we: Nor have we been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time .. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration ... We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity . we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred . They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity ... We ... do ... solemnly publish and declare . we mutually pledge to each other our Lives . With the one exception of They too have been deaf, all the subject/topics are we. And again, Jefferson was not forced by the nature of things to do that. He could have written this: Our British brethren have heard our requests .. , They have received our warnings ... Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 227 They know the circumstances of our emigration ... They have ignored our pleas ... But he chose to assign agency to the colonists to focus on their attempts to negotiate. then on their declaring independence. Again, his choices were not inevitable, but they seem natural, even unremarkable: King George did all those bad things, so we must declare our independence. What more is there to say about II. the style of parts 2 and 3, other than that Jefferson made the obviously right choices? Far more interesting are Jefferson's choices in part 1, the I! words we have committed to our national memory. In that part, he chose a style quite different. In fact, in part I, he wrote only two sentences that make a person the subject of an active verb: they [the colonists] should declarethe causes. . . :I We hold these truths to be self-evident ... There are [our other subject-verb sequences that have short, concrete subjects, but they are all in the passive voice: all men are created equal _.. they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights ... governments are instituted among Men ... governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes ... The last two passives explicitly obscure the agency of people in general and the colonists in particular. In the rest of part I, Jefferson chose a style that is even more impersonal, making abstractions the topic/subject/agents of almost every important verb. In fact, most of his sentences would yield to the kind of revisions we described in Lessons 2-6: When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another .. When in the course of human events, we decide we should dissolve the political bands which have. a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. 228 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace If we decently respect the opinions of mankind, we should declare why we have decided to separate. it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish It, and to institute new Government ... We may alter or abolish it, and institute new government ... Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes ... If we are prudent, we will not change governments long cstablisbcd for light and transient causes. all experience hath shewn. that mankind are more disposed to sutler, while evils are sufferable ... We know from experience that we choose to suffer: while we can suifer evils ... a long train of abuses and usurpations ... evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism. We can see a design in a long train of abuses and usurpations pursuing invariably the same Object-to reduce us under absolute Despo- tism. Necessity ... constrains them to alter their former Systems of government. We now HlHst alter our former Systems of government. Instead of writing as clearly and directly as he did in parts 2 and 3, why in part 1 did Jefferson choose to write in a style so indirect and impersonal? One ready answer is that he wanted to lay down a philosophical basis not for our revolution in particular, but for justified revolution in general, a profoundly destabilizing idea in Western political philosophy and one that needed more justification than the colonists' mere desire to throw off a government they disliked. But what is most striking about the style of part 1 is not just its impersonal generality, but how relentlessly Jefferson uses that style to strip the colonists of any free will of their own and to invest agency in higher forces that coerce the colonists to act: • respect for opinion requires that [the colonists] explain their action • eauses impel [the colonists] to separate J " Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 229 • prudence dictates that [the colonists] not change government lightly • experience has shown [the colonists] • necessity constrains [the colonists] Jefferson echoes that coercive power again in part 3: the colonists must acquiesce to the necessity that demands their separation. Even when abstractions do not explicitly coerce the colonists. Jefferson implies that they are not free agents: • It [is] necessary to sever bonds. • Mankind are disposed to suffer. • It is their duty to throw off a tyrant. In this light, even We hold these truths 10 be self-evident is a claim that implies the colonists did not discover those truths, but rather, those truths revealed themselves to the colonists. In short, Jefferson manipulated his language three times, twice in ways that seem transparent, unremarkable, so predictable that we don't even notice the choice: in part 2, he made King George a freely acting agent of his actions by making him the subject/topic of every sentence; in part 3, Jefferson made the colonists the agents of their own actions. But to make the first part of his argument work, Jefferson had to make the colonists seem to be the coerced objects of higher powers. Since the only higher power named in the Decla- ration is a Creator, Nature's God, that Creator is impliedly the coercive power that "constrains them to alter their former systems of government." The Declaration of Independence is a majestic document for reasons beyond its grammar and style. The same words that brought our nation into existence laid down the fundamental values that justify the self-governance of all people everywhere. But we ought not ignore Jefferson's rhetorical powers, and in particular, the genius of his style. He created a relentlessly logical argument justifying our independenee, but he also manipulated, managed, massaged-call it what you will-his language to support his logic in ways not apparent to a casual reading. If his end did not justify his means, we might argue that Jefferson was being marginally deceptive here, using language instead of logic to establish the colonists' lack of freedom to do 230 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace other than what they wanted. It is, finally, an ethical issue. Do we trust a writer who seeks to manage our responses not just explicitly with a logical argument but implicitly through his prose style? We would say No about the writer of that automobile recall letter, because it was almost certainly intended to deceive us. We are, however, likely to say Yes about Jefferson, but only if we agree that his intended end justified his means, a principle that we ordinarily reject on ethical grounds. AVOIDING THE APPEARANCE OF PLAGIARISM There is, however, one ethical matter where intention is not always the relevant issue. Of all the ethical transgressions that a writer can commit, few are worse than plagiarism: lying and other forms of deception are worse, but not far behind is the theft of another person's words and ideas. The plagiarist steals more than words. He or she also steals the respect and recognition that a plagiarized source deserves for her work. And the student plagiarist steals not only words and ideas, but the recognition due his colleagues by making their work seem worse in comparison to his own. When such theft becomes common, the community grows suspicious, then distrustful, then cynical-So who cares? Everyone does it. Teachers then have to be concerned less with teaching and learning, and more about detecting dishonesty. Those who plagiarize betray not just a duty owed a source, but the ethical fabric of the entire community. Honest students who never intend to plagiarize might think they have no reason to fear being charged with doing so. But they do have reason to be wary if they don't understand what might make teachers suspect them of it. Three Principles To avoid that risk, YDUmust understand and follow the three principles that every teacher expects every writer to observe. 1. Cite the source for any words, ideas, or methods that are not your own, regardless of where you found them. Some students think they don't have to cite material if it's freely available online. They are wrong. These principles apply to sources of any kind: print, online, recorded, Dr oral. Lesson 12 The Ethics ofStvlc 231 2. When you quote the exact words of a source, put those 1 I I words in quotation marks or in a block quotation (see pp. 152-155). 3. When you paraphrase a source, do not use quotation marks, but you must recast the source sentence entirely in your own words in a new sentence structure, If you follow those three rules, you will never be suspected of trying to pass off someone else's words and ideas as your own. But to follow those rules, you havc to think about them before you draft a single word. I i ;, I :1 l Take Good Notes To use and cite source material correctly, you must start by taking good notes. I. Quote your source exactly. Copy quotations exactly as they appear in the original, down to every comma and semicolon. If the quotation is long, photocopy or download it. 2. Get bibliographical infonnation right. Record your source's complete bibliographical data: author; title and subtitle; editor or translator if any; edition and volume, if any; place of publication, publisher, and date of publication. If your source is a journal article, also record the name of the journal, volume number, issue number, date of publication. and page numbers. Your readers must think that they could find your source if they wanted to consult it themselves. 3. Mark quotations and paraphrases unambiguously as the words of others. This is crucial: you must take notes so that weeks or months later you cannot possibly think that words and ideas you found in a source are your own. Whether you take notes on a computer or longhand. always highlight, underline. boldface, or use a different font or type size for direct quotations, so that later you cannot think that those quoted words are yours. Prominent scholars have been humiliated by accusations of plagiarism, because, they claimed. they did not distinguish clearly the words they copied or paraphrased from their own, then "forgot" they were someone else's. ,I i l ,I: i ,I I,i 232 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace 4. Don't paraphrase too closely. When you paraphrase a source in your notes, don't just replace words in your source with synonyms of your own. That is also considered plagiarism, even if you cite the source. For example, the first paraphrase of the original sentence below is plagiarism because it tracks its sentence structure almost word for word. The second paraphrase is fair use (so long as its source is cited in the text of the paper). Original: "The drama is the most social of literary forms, since it stands in so direct a relationship to its audience." Plagiarizing paraphrase: The theater is a very social genre because it relates so directly with its viewers. Fair-use paraphrase: Levin claims that we experience the theater as the most social form of literature because we see it taking place before us. Draft Carefully Even if you take careful notes, you must be equally careful when you draft. Every time you use words or ideas from a source in your paper, you must do this: • Put direct quotations in quotation marks or in a block quotation. • For any quotation, paraphrase, summary, or any idea borrowed from any source, you must cite that source's bibliographical information, including the page numbers where you found the material, so that readers can also find it. Direct Quotations 1. If you quote even a few words because they are strikingly original or especially important, put them in quotation marks and cite their source. For example, read this passage Jared Diamond's Guns, Germs, and Steel: Because technology begets more technology, the importance of an invention's diffusion potentially exceeds the importance of the original invention. Technology's history exemplifies what is termed an autocatalytic process: that is, one that speeds up at a rate that increases with lime, because the process catalyzes itself (301). Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 233 Phrases such as the importance of the original invention, are so ordinary that they require neither a citation nor quotation marks. But two phrases do, because they are so striking: technology begets more technology and autocatalytic process: The power of technology goes beyond individual inventions because technology "begets more technology," It is, as Diamond puts it, an "autocatalytic process." Once you cite those words, you can use them again without quotation marks or citation: As one invention begets another one and that one still another, the process becomes a self-sustaining catalysis that spreads exponentially across all national boundaries. I I I 2. For quotations one to four lines long, do this: • Run the quoted words into the body of your text and surround them with quotation marks (see pp. 153-155). • Cite the source of those words, including the page numbers(s) on which you found them. • If you quote those lines again, put quotation marks around them but you need not cite the source. 3. For quotations five lines or longer, do this: • Put the quoted words into a block quotation, without quotation marks around them. • Indicate where you found those words in the source by citing page numbers(s). For paraphrases • Cite the source every time you paraphrase anything from it. You need not cite the source if you refer to those same ideas again. • Make sure that your paraphrase is not so close to the original that it retains the same sentence structure. For borrowed ideas or methods: Cite the source and page numbers for any idea you use from a source, even if you had already thought of that idea on your own. You do not have to cite the source of an idea or method I I II' II 'I I , , 234 Style: Lessons ill Ckuitv and Grace that is common knowledge. The problem is that if you're new to a field, its common knowledge is likely to be a mystery. In that case, ask your teacher; if you can't ask, cite more than you think you have to (but not every other sentence). The principle is this: to avoid the appearance and perhaps the charge of plagiarism, cite a source for any words or ideas not your own whenever an informed reader might think that you're implying that they are your own. Always use quotation marks or a block quotation for words not your own. When in doubt, check with your instructor. Cite Sources Appropriately Your last task is to cite your sources fully, accurately, and appropriately. No one will accuse you of plagiarism if you put a comma where a period should go, but some will think that if you get these little matters wrong, you can't he trusted to get the big ones right. There are many styles of citations, so you must find out which one your reader expects. Three are most common: • The University of Chicago Manual of Style (UCMS) style • Modern Language Association (MLA) style, common in the humanities • American Psychological Association (APA) style, common in the social sciences You can find a guide to them in the reference section of almost any bookstore. SUMMING Up How, finally, do we decide what counts as "good" writing? Is it clear, graceful, and candid, even if it fails to achieve its end? Or is it writing that does a job, regardless of its integrity and means? We have a problem so long as good can mean either ethically sound or pragmatically successful. We resolve that dilemma by our First Principle of Ethical Writing: We are ethical writers when we would willingly put ourselves in the place of our readers and experience what they do as they read what we've written. Lesson 12 The Ethics ofStyle 235 That puts the burden on us to imagine our readers and their feelings. If you are even moderately advanced in your academic or professional career, you've experienced the consequences of unclear writing, especially when it's your own. If you are in your early years of college, though, you may wonder whether all this talk about clarity, ethics, and ethos is just so much finger wagging. At the moment, you may be happy to find enough words to fill three pages, much less worry how clear they are. And you may be reading textbooks that have been heavily edited to make them clear to first-year students who know little or nothing about their content. So you may not yet have experienced much carelessly dense writing. But it's only a matter of time before you will. Others wonder why they should struggle to learn to write clearly when bad writing seems so common and seems to have no cost. What experienced readers know, and you eventually will, is that clear and graceful writers are so few that when we find them, we are desperately grateful. They do not go unrewarded. I also know thal for many writers the pleasure of crafting a good sentence or paragraph is often just in the achievement of it, for its own sake. It is an ethical satisfaction some of us find not just in writing, but in everything we do: we take pleasure in doing good work, no matter the job. It is a view expressed by the philosopher Alfred North Whitehead, with both clarity and grace (my emphasis in the last sentence): Finally, there should grow the most austere of all mental qualifies: 1 mean the sense for style. It is an aesthetic sense, based on admiration for the direct attainment of a foreseen end, simply and without waste. Style in art. style in literature, style in science. style in logic, style in practical execution have fundamentally the same aesthetic qualities, namely, attainment and restraint. The love of a subject in itself and for itself, where it is not the sleepy pleasure of pacing a mental quarter-deck, is the love of style as manifested in that study. Here we are brought back to the position from which we started, the utility of education. Style, in its finest sense, is the last acquirement of the educated mind; it is also the most useful. It pervades the whole being. The administrator with a sense for style hates waste; the engineer with a sense for style economizes his material; the artisan with a sense for style prefers good work. Style is the ultimate morality of mind. -Alfred North Whitehead. The fiims of Education and Other Essays APPENDIX Punctuation I know there are some Persons who affect to despise it, and treat this whole Subject with the utmost Contempt, as a Triflefar below their Notice, and a Formality unworthy oftheir Regard: They do not hold it difficult, but despicable; and neglect it, as being above it. yet many learned Men have been highly sensible to its Use;and some ingenious and elegant Writers have condescended to point their Works with Care;and very eminent Scholars have not disdained to teach the Method ofdoing it with Propriety. -JAMES BCRROW In music, the punctuation is absolutely strict; the bars and rests are absolutely defined. But our prose cannot be quite strict, because we have to relate it to the audience. In other words 1--PCare continually changing the score. -SIR RALPH RICHARDSON There are some punctuations that are interesting and there are some that are not. -GERTRUDE STEIN 236 Appendix Punctuation 231 UNDERSTANDING PUNCTUATION Most writers think that punctuation must obey the same kind of rules that govern grammar, and so managing commas and semicolons is about as interesting as making verbs agree with subjects. In fact, you have more choices in how to punctuate than you might think, and if you choose thoughtfully, you can help readers not only understand a complex sentence more easily but create nuances of emphasis that they will notice. It takes more than a few commas to turn a monotone into the Hallelujah Chorus, but a little care can produce gratifying results. I will address punctuation as a functional problem: first, how do we punctuate the end of a sentence, then its beginning, and finally its middle? But first, we have to distinguish different kinds of sentences. Simple, Compound, and Complex Sentences Sentences have traditionally been called simple, compound, and Ii complex. If a sentence has just one INDEPENDENT CLAUSE, it is simple: SIMPLE: The greatest English dictionary is the Oxford English Dictionary. If it has two or more independent clauses, it is compound: COMPOU.I\'D: [There are many good dictionaries]". [but the greatest is the Oxford English Dictionary J'. If it has an independent clause and one or more SUBORDINATE CLAUSES, it is complex. COMPLEX: [While there are many good dictionaries] subordinate clause [the greatest is the Oxford English Dictionary]. independent dm'S" (Cumpound-complex is self-explanatory.) . But those terms are potentially misleading, because they sug- ;1', gest that a grammatically simple sentence should seem simpler than one that is grammatically complex. But that's not always true. Par example, most readers think that of the next two sentences, the grammatically simple one feels more complex than the grammatically complex one: GRAMMATICALLY SIMPLE: Our review of the test led to our modification of it as a result of complaints by teachers. iii 238 Style: Lessons in Clarify and Grace GRAMMATICALLYCOMPLEX: After we reviewed the test, we modified it because teachers complained. Those two terms do not reliably indicate how we are likely to respond to such sentences. We necd a morc useful set of terms. Punctuated and Grammatical Sentences We can make more useful distinctions between what we will call punctuated sentences and grammatical sentences: • A punctuated sentence begins with a capital letter and ends with a period or question/exclamation mark. It might be one word or a hundred (see the Mailer sentence on p. 176). • A grammatical sentence is a SUBJECT and VERB in a MAIN CLAUSE along with everything else depending on that clause. We distinguish these two kinds of sentences, because depending on their structure, readers can respond to them very differently; the one you are now reading, for example, is one long punctuated sentence, but it is not as bard to read as many shorter sentences that consist of many SUBORDJNATE CLAUSES. I have chosen to punctuate as one long sentence what I might have punctuated as a series of shorter ones; those semicolons and the comma before that but could have been periods, for example-and that dash could have been a period too. Here is that long sentence you just read repunctuated with virtually no change in its grammar, creating seven punctuated sentences: We must distinguish these two kinds of punctuated sentences, because depending on their structure, readers respond to them very differently The one you are now reading, for example, is a short punctuated sentence, consisting of just one subject and one verb plus what depends on them. But this paragraph is not as hard to read as many shorter sentences that consist of many subordinate clauses. I have chosen to punctuate as separate sentences what I could have punctuated as one long one. The period before that but, for example, could have been a comma. The last two periods could have been semicolons. And that period could have been a dash. Though I changed little but the punctuation, those seven grammatical sentences, now punctuated as seven punctuated sentonccs, feel different from those same grammatical sentences in a Appendix: Punctuation 239 single punctuated sentence. In short, wc can create different stylistic effects simply by the way we punctuate: punctuation is not governed by rules, but by choices. Exercise A.I We could revisethe beginning of that revision on p. 238 into even shorter grammatical sentences: We must distinguish two kinds of punctuated sentences. Depending on their structure, readers respondto them differently. The one you are now reading isa short punctuated sentence. It consistsof one subject and verb plus what depends on them. Doesthat improve the original? If so, why? If not, why not? Exercise A.2 You will find long sentences on pp. 161, 170, and 171. Repunctuate them into shorter ones. How do the changes affect the way you respond to them? PUNCTUATING THE ENDS OF SENTENCES Above all other rules of punctuation, a writer must know how to punctuate the end of a grammatical sentence. You have a lot of choices in how to do that, but signal it you must, because readers have to know where one grammatical sentence stops and the next begins. The punctuation of this one does not belp us do that: In 1967J Congress passed civil rights laws that remedied problems of registration and voting this had political consequences throughout the South. When you write that kind of sentence you create a fused or run-on sentence, an error you cannot afford to make, because it signals a writer who does not understand the basics of writing. Some use the term "illiterate" for this kind of error, an exaggeration, of course, because an "illiterate writer" is a contradiction in terms. Take the tcrm as a measure of how intensely readers respond to such errors. 'I I , II , '1 I I , II I :.1' ,. II , I I , , 240 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace You can choose to separate pairs of grammatical sentences in ten ways. Three are common. Three Common Forms of End Punctuation 1. Period (or QuestionJExcIamation Mark) Alone The simplest, least noticeable way to signal the end of a grammatical sentence is with a period: ./ In 1967, Congress passed civil rights laws that remedied problems of registration and voting. This had political consequences throughout the South. But if you create too many short punctuated sentences, your readers may feel your prose is choppy or simplistic (as on pp. 49-50). Experienced writers revise a series of very short grammatical sentences into subordinate clauses or phrases, turning two or more grammatical sentences into one: ./ When Congress passed civil rights laws to remedy problems of registration and voting in 1967, they had political consequences throughout the South . ./ The civil t-ights laws that Congress passed in 1967 to remedy problems of registration and voting had political consequences throughout the South. Be cautious, though: combine too many short grammatical sentences into one long one, and you create a sentence that sprawls. 2. Semicolon Alone A semicolon is like a soft period; whatever is on either side of it should be a grammatical sentence (with an exception we'll discuss on p. 257). Use a semicolon instead of a period only when the first grammatical sentence is not long, no more than fifteen or so words, and the content of the second grammatical sentence is closely linked to the first: In 1967, Congress passed civil rights laws that remedied problems of registration and voting; those laws had political consequences throughout the South. Readers need to see a link between them: ./ In 1967, Congress passed civil tights laws to remedy problems of registration and voting; by 1995 Southern slates had thousands Appendix Punctuation 241 of sheriffs. mayors, and other officials from their African- American communities. A few shared concepts would make the connections clearer: ./ In 1967, Congress passed civil rights laws to remedy racial problems of registration and voting, particularly in the South; by 1995 Southern states had elected thousands of sheriffs, mayors, and other officials from their African-American communities. A special problem with semicolons and however In one context, even well-educated writers often incorrectly end one grammatical sentence with a comma and begin the next grammatical sentence with however. Taxpayers have supported public education, however, they now object because taxes have risen so steeply. We don't know whether the however ends the first grammatical sentence or introduces the second. If it ends the first, the semicolon goes after the however (keep the comma before it): ./ Taxpayers have supported public education, however; they now object because taxes have risen so steeply. If the however introduces the second grammatical sentence, then the semicolon goes before it (but keep the comma after it): ,f Taxpayers have supported public education; however, they now object because taxes have risen so steeply. QUICK TIP: If you see more than ten or so words before a however and as many after, you probably should put the semicolon before the however, because that however probably begins a new grammatical sentence. Many writers avoid semicolons because they find them mildly intimidating. So learning their use might be worth your time, if you want to be judged a sophisticated writer. Once every couple of pages is probably about right. 3. Comma + COORDINATINGCONJUNCTIONReaders also are ready to recognize the end of a grammatical sentence when they see a comma rollowed by two signals: • a COORDINATING CONJUNCTION: and, but, yet, for, so, or, nor, I ,\ Ii Ii II I J I Ii ! j " :1 I' II 242 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace • and that conjunction is followed by another subject and verb . ./ In the 19505 religion was viewed as a bulwark against communism, so it was not long after that that atheism was felt to threaten national security . ./ American intellectuals have often followed Europeans, but our culture has proven inhospitable La their brand of socialism. But choose a period if the two grammatical sentences are long and have their own intemal punctuation. When readers begin a coordinated series of three or more grammatical sentences, they accept just a comma between them, but only if they are short and have no intemal punctuation: ./ Baseball satisfies our admiration for precision, basketball speaks to our love of speed and grace, and football appeals to our lust for violence. If any of the grammatical sentences has internal punctuation, separate them with semicolons: ./ Baseball, the oldest indigenous American sport and essentially a rural one. satisfies our admiration for precision; basketball, our newest sport and now more urban than rural, speaks to our love of speed and grace; and football, a sport both rural and urban, appeals to our lust for violence. An exception: Omit the comma between a coordinated pair of short grammatical sentences if you introduce them with a modifier that applies to both of them: ./ Once the upheaval after the collapse of the Soviet Union had settled down, the economies of its former salellites had begun to rebound but Russia's had yet to hit bottom. Too many grammatical sentences joined with and and so feel simplistic, so avoid more than one or two a page. QUICK TIP: When you begin a grammatical sentence with but, you either can put a comma at the end of the previous sentence or begin a new punctuated sentence by putting a period there and capitalizing but. Use a period + But if what follows is important and you intend to go on discussing it: Appendix Punctuation 243 .I The immediate consequence of higher gas prices was some curtailment of driving. But the long term effect changed the car buying habits of Americans, perhaps permanently, a change that the Big Three car manufacturers could not ignore. They ... Use comma +hut if what follows only qual; fies what preceded . .I The immediate consequence of higher gas prices was some curtailment of driving, but that did not last long. The long- term effect was changes in the car buying habits of Americans, a change thal the Big Three car manufacturers could not ignore. They. Four Less Common Forms of End Punctuation Some readers have reservations about these next four ways of signaling the end of a grammatical sentence, but careful writers everywhere use them. 4. Period + Coordinating Conjunction Some readers think it's wrong to begin a punctuated sentence with a coordinating conjunction such as and or hut (review pp. 17-18). But they are wrong; this is entirely correct: .I Education cannot guarantee a democracy. And when it is available to only a few, it becomes a tool of social repression. Use this pattern no more than once or twice a page, especially with and. 5. Semicolon + Coordinating Conjunction Writers occasionally end one grammatical sentence with a semicolon and begin the next with a coordinating conjunction: .I Tn the 19505 religion was viewed as a bulwark against communism; so soon thereafter atheism was felt to threaten national security. Use a comma instead of a semicolon if the two grammatical sentences are short. But readers are grateful for a semicolon if the two grammatical sentences are long with their own internal commas: .I Problem solving, one of the most active areas of psychology, has made great strides in the last decade, particularly in understanding the problem-solving strategies of experts; so it is no surprise that educators have followed that research with interest. 244 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace But then readers would probably prefer a period there even more. 6. Comma Alone Though readers rarely expect to see just a comma separate two grammatical sentences, they can manage if the sentences are short and closely linked in meaning, such as cause-effect, first-second, if-then, etc. Act in haste, repent at leisure. Be sure, though, that neither has internal commas; not this: Women, who have always been underpaid, no longer accept that discriminatory treatment, they are now doing something about it. A semicolon would be clearer: ./ Women, who have always been underpaid, no longer accept that discriminatory treatment; they are now doing something about it. A warning: though writers of the best prose separate short grammatical sentences with just a comma, many teachers disapprove, because a comma alone is traditionally condemned as a "comma splice," in their view, a significant error; So be sure of your readers before you experiment. 7. Conjunction Alone Some writers signal a close link between short grammatical sentences with a coordinating conjunction alone, omitting the comma: ./ Oscar Wilde violated a fundamental law of British society and we all know what happened to him. But the same warning: though writers of the best prose do this, many teachers consider it an error. Three Special Cases: Colon, Dash, Parentheses These last three ways of signaling the end of a grammatical sentence are a bit self-conscious, but might be interesting to those who want to distinguish themselves from most other writers. 8. Colon Discerning readers are likely to think you are a bit sophisticated if you end a sentence with an appropriate colon: they take it as shorthand for to illustrate, for example, that is, therefore: Appendix Punctuation 245 ~ Dance is not widely supported: no company operates at a profit, and there are few outside major cities. Acolon can also signal more obviously than a comma or semicolon that you are balancing the structure, sound, and meaning of one clause against another: ~ Civil disobedience is the public conscience of a democracy: mass enthusiasm is the public consensus of a tyranny. If you follow the colon with a grammatical sentence, capitalize the first word or not, depending on how much you want to emphasize what follows (note: some handbooks claim that the first word after a colon should not be capitalized). QUICK TIP: Avoid a colon if it breaks a clause into two pieces, neither of which is a grammatically complete sentence. Avoid this: Genetic counseling requires: a knowledge of statistical genetics, an awareness of choices open to parents, and the psychological competence to deal with emotional trauma. Instead, put the colon only after a whole subject-verb- OBJECT structure: ./ Genetic counseling requires the following: a knowledge of statistical genetics, an awareness of choices open to parents, and the psychological competence to deal with emotional trauma. 9. Dash You can also signal balance more informally with a dash-it suggests a casual afterthought: ./ Stonehenge is a wonder-conly a genius could have conceived it. Contrast that with a more formal colon: it makes a difference. 10. Parentheses You can insert a short grammatical sentence inside another one with parentheses, if what you put in the parentheses is like a short afterthought. Do not put a period after the sentence inside the parenthesis; put a single period outside: ./ Stonehenge is a wonder (only a genius could have conceived it). 246 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace point: You can end a grammatical sentence ways. Three are conventional-and comrnoru Period Semicolon Comma + coordinating conjunction Four but dally the 4. Period + coordinating conjunction Semicolon + coordinating conjunction 6. Comma 7. Coordinating conjunction alone Three are for writers Colon I win-you lose. I win (you lose). Though some ways of punctuating the end of a sentence are flat-out wrong. you can choose from among many that are light, and each has a different effect. If you look again at the short sentences on pp. 174-176 and Mailer's long sentence on p. 176, you can see those choices in contrast. Those writers could have chosen otherwise and thereby created a different stylistic effect. Intended Sentence Fragments Most readers will think you've made a serious error if you inadvertently punctuate a fragment of a grammatical sentence as a complete one. Among the most common sentence fragments is a subordinate dependent clause detached from its main clause, especially one beginning with because (but see pp. 17-18): Appendix Punctuation 247 You cannot break a complex sentence into two shorter ones merely by replacing commas with periods. Because if you do, you will be considered at least careless, at worst uneducated. Another common fragment begins with which: Most fragments occur when you write a sentence that goes on so long and becomes so complicated that you start to feel that you are losing control over it and so need to drop in a period to start another sentence. Which is why you must understand how to write a long but clearly constructed sentence that readers can foJlow easily. Traditionally, a punctuated sentence that fails to include an independent main clause is wrong. At least in theory. In fact, experienced writers often write fragments deliberately, as I just did. When intended, those fragments typically have two characteristics: • They are relatively short, fewer than ten or so words . • They are intended to reflect a mind at work, as if the writer were speaking to you, finishing a sentence, then immediately expanding and qualifying it. Almost as an afterthought, often ironically. A good example of a passage with several fragments is the one by D.H. Lawrence in Lesson 9 (fragments are boldfaced): Now listen to me, don't listen to [the American colonist]. He'll tell II you the lie you expect. Which is partly your fault for expecting it. i': He didn't come in search of freedom of worship. England had ~ more freedom of worship in the year 1700 than America had. Won by ! Englishmen who wanted freedom and so stopped at home and fought for it. And got it, Freedom of worship? Read the history of New England during the first century of its existence. Freedom anyhow? The land of the free! This the land of the free! Why, if [ say anything that displeases them, the free mob will lynch me, and that's my freedom. Free? Why I have never been in any country where the individual has such an abjecl fear of his fellow countrymen. Because, as I say, they are free to lynch him the moment he shows he is not one of them ... You should know, however, that writers rarely use sentence fragments in academic prose. They are considered a bit too casual. If you decide to experiment, be sure that your audience knows that I you think you know what you're doing. • 11'1 I 248 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace PUNCTUATING BEGINNINGS You have no issues in punctuating the beginning of a sentence when you begin directly with its subject, as I did this one. How- ever, as with this one, when a sentence forces a reader to plow through several introductory words, phrases, and clauses, especially when they have their own internal punctuation and readers might be confused by it all (as you may be right now), forget trying to punctuate it right; revise it. There are a few rules that your readers expect you to follow, but more often you have to rely on judgment. Five Reliable Rules 1. Always separate an introductory element from the subject of a sentence with a comma if a reader might misunderstand the structure of the sentence, as in this one: When a lawyer concludes her argument has to be easily remembered bya jury. Do this; ./ When a lawyer concludes, her argument has to be easily rernem- bercd by a jury. 2. Never end an introductory clause or phrase with a semicolon, no matter how it long is. Readers take semicolons to signal the end of a grammatical sentence (but see p. 257). Never this; Although the Administration knew that Iraq's invasion of Kuwait threatened American interests in Saudi Arabia; it did not immediately prepare a military response. Always use a cornrna there: ./ Although the Administration knew that Iraq's invasion of Kuwait threatened American interests in Saudi Arabia, it did not immediately prepare a military response. But if that introductory element is very long and complicated, consider revising it into a grammatical sentence: ./ The Administration knew that Iraq's invasion of Kuwait threaterred American interests in Saudi Arabia, but it did not imrnediatcly prepare a military response. Appendix Punctuation 249 3. Never put a comma right after a subordinating conjunction if the next element of the clause is its subject. Never this: Although, the art of punctuation is simple, it is rarely mastered. 4. Avoid putting a comma after the coordinating conjunctions and, but, yet, for, so, or, and nor if the next element is . the subject. Do not do this: But, we cannot know whether life on other planets exists. Some writers who punctuate heavily put a comma after a coordinating or subordinating conjunction if an introductory word or phrase follows: ./ Yet, during this period, prices continued to rise. l!' Although, during this period, prices continued to rise, interest rates did not. Punctuation that heavy retards a reader a hit, but it's your choice. These are also correct and for the reader, perhaps a bit brisker: ./ Yet during this period, prices continued to rise . ./ Yet during this period prices continued to rise, 5. Put a comma after an introductory word or phrase if it comments on the whole of the following sentence or connects one sentence to another. These include elements such as fortunately, allegedly, etc. and conjunctions like however, nevertheless, regardless, etc. Since readers hear sentences in their mind's ear, they expect a pause after such words . ./ Fortunately, we proved our point But avoid starting many sentences with an introductory element and a comma. When we read a series of such sentences, the whole passage feels hesitant. Three Exceptions: We typically omit a comma after now, thus, and hence: ./ Now it is clear that many will not support this position, ./ Thus the only alternative is to choose some other action, 250 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace Two Reliable Principles 1. Readers usually need no punctuation between a short introductory phrase and the subject: ./ Once again we find similar responses to such stimuli . ./ In 1945 few realized how the war had transformed us. It is not wrong to put a comma there, but it slows readers just as you may want them to be picking up speed. 2. Readers usually need a comma between a long (four or five words or more) introductory phrase or clause and the subject: ./ When a lawyer begins her opening statement with a dry recital of the law and how it must be applied to the case before the court. the jury is likelyto nod off. clause or phrase with a Here's thepoint: Observe them. 1. Always separate from subject if a reader might misunderstand the structure of the sentence. Never end an introductory semicolon. Do not put a comma after a coordinating nating conjunction if the next element of the is its subject. Put a comma after a short introductory phrase if it comments on the whole of the following it connects one sentence to-another; These are Irelilableprinciples: comma after a short introductory phrase or as you choose. 2. Readers need after a long introductory phrase or clause, Appendix Punctuation 251 PUNCTUATING MIDDLES This is where explanations get messy, because to punctuate inside a grammatical sentence-morc specifically, inside a clause-you have to consider not only the grammar of that clause, but the nuances of rhythm, meaning, and the emphasis that you want readers to hear in their mind's ear. There are, however, a few reliable rules. Subject-Verb, Verb-Object Do not put a comma between a subject and its verb, no matter how long the subject (nor between the verb and its object). Do not do this: A sentence that consists of many complex subordinate clauses and long phrases that all precede a verb, may seem to some students to demand a comma somewhere. Readers generally dislike long subjects. If you keep them short, you won't feel that you need a comma. Occasionally, you cannot avoid a long subject, especially if it consists of a list of items with internal punctuation, like this: The president, the vice president, the secretaries of the departments, senators, members of the House of Representatives, and Supreme Court justices take an oath that pledges them to uphold the Constitution. You can help readers SOli it out with a summative subject: • Insert a colon or a dash at the end of the list of subjects: The president, the vice president, the secretaries of the departments, senators, members of the House of Representatives, and Supreme Court justices: • Then insert a one-word subject that summarizes the preceding list: ./ The president, the vice president, the secretaries of the departments, senators, members of the House of Representatives, and Supreme Court justices: all take an oath that pledges them to uphold the Constitution. Choose a dash or a colon depending on how formal you want to seem. 252 Style: USS011S in Clarity and Grace Interruptions When you interrupt a subject-verb or verb-object, you make it harder for readers to make the basic grammatical connections that create a sentence. So in general, avoid such interruptions, except for reasons of emphasis or nuance (see pp, 136-137). But if you must interrupt a subject and verb or verb and object with mOTC than a few words, always put paired commas around the intenuption. A sentence, if it consists of many complex: subordinate clauses and long phrases and all precede a verb, may seem to need commas. But that sentence needs more than commas to make it clear. That it:c1ause should be moved to the end: ./ A sentence may seem to need commas if it consists of many complex subordinate clauses and long phrases and all precede a verb. Generally speaking, do not use a comma when you tack on a subordinate clause at the end or an independent clause, if that clause is necessary to understand the meaning of the sentence (this is analogous to a RESTRICTIVE RELATIVE CLAUSE): .I No one should violate the law just because it seems unjust. If the clause is not necessary, separate it [rom the main clause with a comma . .I No one should violate the law, because in the long run, it will do more harm than good. This distinction can be tricky at times. You can use commas before and after short interrupting ADVERBIAL PHRASES, depending on the emphasis you want readers to hear. The general principle is that readers feel emphasis on what immediately precedes and follows a pause. Compare the different emphases in these: ./ Modern poetry has become more relevant to the average reader in recent years . .I Modem poetry has, in recent years, become more relevant to the average reader . .I Modern poetry has become, in recent years, more relevant to the average reader, Appendix Punctuation 253 ./ The antagonism between Congress and the president has created utter distrust among every group of voters . ./ The antagonism between Congress and the president has created, among every group of voters, utter distrust. Loose Commentary "Loose commentary" differs rrom an interruption, because you can usually move an interruption elsewhere in a sentence. But loose commentary modifies what it stands next to, so it usually cannot be moved. It still needs to be set off with paired commas, parentheses, or dashes, unless it comes at the end of a sentence; in that case, replace the second comma or dash with a period. It is difficult to explain exactly what counts as loose commentary because it depends on both grammar and meaning. One familiar distinction is between restrictive clauses and NONRESTRICTIVE CLAUSES (see pp. 18-20), including APPOSITIVES. We use no commas with restrictive modifiers, modifiers that uniquely identify the noun they modify: ,/ The house that I live in is 100 years old. But we always set off nonrestrictive modifiers with paired commas (unless the modifier ends the sentence): ./ We had to reconstruct the larynx, which is the source of voice, with cartilage from the shoulder. An appositive is just a truncated nonrestrictive clause: ./ We had to rebuild the larynx, .. BieR is the source of voice, with cartilage from the shoulder. You can achieve a more casual effect with a dash or parenthesis: ./ We had to rebuild the larynx-the source of voice-with cartilage from the shoulder, ./ We had to rebuild the larynx (the source of voice) with cartilage from the shoulder. Adash is useful when the loose commentary has internal commas. Readers are confused by the long subject in this sentence: The nations of Central Europe, Poland, Hungary. Romania, Bulgaria, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Bosnia, Serbia have for centuries been in the middle of an East-West tug-of-war. 254 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace are reliable rules of internal punctu- They can understand that kind of structure more easily when they can see that loose modifier set off with dashes or parentheses: v' The nations of Central Europe-Poland, Hungary, Romania, Bul- garia, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Bosnia, Serbia-have for centuries been in the middle of an East-West rug-of-war, Use parentheses when you want readers to hear your comment as a sotto voce aside: ,/ The brain (at least that part that controls non-primitive functions) may comprise several little brains operating simultaneously. Or use it as an explanatory footnote inside a sentence: ,/ Lamarck (1744-1829) was a pre-Darwinian evolutionist. ,/ The poetry of the fin de siecle (end ofthe century) was characterized by a world-weariness and fashionable despair. When loose commentary is at the end of a sentence, use a comma to separate it from the first part of the sentence. Be certain, however, that the meaning of the comment is not crucial to the meaning ofthe sentence. If it is, do not use a comma. Contrast these: .I I wandered through Europe, seeking a place where 1 could write undisturbed. v' r spent my time seeking a place where J could write undisturbed. ,/ Offices ,,;U be closed July 2-6, as announced in the daily bulletin . .I When closing offices, secure all safes as prescribed in the manual. .I Historians have studied social changes, at least in this country . ./ These records must be kept at least until the IRS reviews them. Here'sthepoint: ation. Observe them. 1. interrupt a subject and verb or verb and object punctuation, unless absolutely necessary for clarity. Inside a clause, always set off long interruptions with paired marks of punctuation-commas, parentheses, or dashes. Never use semicolons. I I i I \ , .I Appendix Punctuation 255 3. Put a comma at the end of an independent clause before a tacked-on subordinate clause when that clause is not essential to the meaning of PUNCTUATING COORDINATED ELEMENTS Punctuating Two Coordinated Elements Generally speaking, do not put a comma between just two coordinated elements. Compare these: As computers have become sophisticated, and powerful they have taken over more clerical, and bookkeeping tasks . ./' As computers have become sophisticated and powerful they have taken over more clerical and bookkeeping tasks. Four Exceptions 1. For a dramatic contrast, put a comma after the first coordinate element to emphasize the second (keep the second short): .I The ocean is nature's most glorious creation, and its most destructive. To emphasize a contrast. use a comma hefore a but (kcep the second part short): ./ Organ transplants arc becoming more common, but not less expensive. 2. If you want your readers to feel the cumulative power of a coordinated pair (or more), drop the and and leave just a comma. Compare these: .I Lincoln never had a formal education and never owned a large library . .I Lincoln never had a fonnal education, never owned a large library. .I The lesson of the pioneers was to ignore conditions that seemed difficult or even overwhelming and to get on wi th the business of subduing a hostile environment. 256 Style: Lessons ill Clarity arid Grace ./ The lesson of the pioneers was to ignore conditions that seemed difficult or even overwhelming, to get on with the business of subduing a hostile environment. 3. Put a comma between long coordinated pairs only if you think your readers need a chance to breathe or to sort out the grammar. Compare: It is in the graveyard that Hamlet finally realizes that the inevitable end of life is the grave and clay and that the end of all pretentiousness and all plotting and counter-plotting, regardless of one's station in life, must be dust. Acomma after clay and life signals a natural pause: ./ It is in the graveyard that Hamlet finally realizes that the inevitable end of all life is the grave and clay, and that the end of all pretentiousness and all plotting and counter-plotting. regardless of one's station in life, must be dust. More important, the comma after clay sorts out the structure of a potentially confusing grave and clay and that regardless. In this next sentence, the first half of a coordination is long, so a reader might have a prohlcm connecting the second half to its origin: Conrad's Heart oiDarkness brilliantly dramatizes those primitive impulses that lie deep in each of us and stir only in our darkest dreams but asserts the need for the values that control those impulses. A comma after dreams would clearly mark the end of one coordinate member and the beginning ofthe next: ./ Conrad's Hear! of Darkness brilliantly dramatizes those primitive impulses that lie deep in each of us and stir only in our darkest dreams, but asserts the need for the values that control those impulses. On the other hand, if you can make sense out of a complicated sentence like that only with punctuation, you need to revise the sentence. 4. As mentioned above, if a sentence begins with a phrase or subordinate clause modifying two following clauses that are independent and coordinated, put a comma after the Appendix Punctuation 257 introductory phrase or clause but do not put a comma between the two coordinated independent clauses: ./ After the Soviet Union collapsed, Russia's economy declined for several years [no comma here] but the economies of former satellites to the west began to expand. Punctuating Three or More Coordinated Elements Finally, there is the matter of punctuating a series of three or more coordinated elements. Writers disagree on this one. A few omit it, but most insist a comma must always precede the last one: ./ His wit, his charm and his loyalty made him ow' friend . .I His wit, his charm, and his loyalty made him our friend. Both are correct, but be consistent. If any of the items in the series has its own internal commas, use semicolons to show how readers should group the coordinated items: ./ Tn mystery novels, the principal action ought to be economical, organic, and logical; fascinating, yet not exotic; clear, but complicated enough to hold the reader's interest. 'Here': the point: Use commas to separate ries the items have no internal punctuation. colons to set off items in a series only if they do. APOSTROPHES There are few options with apostrophes, only rules, and they are Real Rules (review pp. 15-[6). Those who violate them are objects of abuse by those who police such matters. Contractions Use an apostrophe in all contracted words: don't we'll she'd I'm it's Writers in the academic world rarely use contractions in their professional writing, because they don't want to seem too casual. I've used them in his book, because 1 wanted to avoid a formal tone. Check with your instructor before you experiment. , II 258 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Plurals Except for two cases, never use an apostrophe to [arm a plural. Never this: bus's, fence's, horse's. That error invites withering abuse. Usc an apostrophe to form plurals in only two contexts: (1) with all lower ease single letters and (2) with the single capital letters A, I, and U (the added s would seem to spell the words As, Is, and Us): Dot your i's and cross your t's many A'sand Is However; when a word is unambiguously all numbers or multiple capital letters, add just s, with no apostrophe: ThcABCs the 1950s 767s CDs URLs 45s Possessives With a few exceptions, form the possessive of a singular common or proper noun by adding an apostrophe +s. FDR's third term the U.S.'s history a 747's wingspan The exceptions include singular nouns that already end in 5 or with the sound of s. For these, add the apostrophe only: politics' importance Descartes' Discourse on Method the audience' attention the United States' role Sophocles' plays for appearance' sake (Some handbooks give different advice on this issue, recommending '+s in all cases. Whatever you choose, be consistent.) For plural common and proper nouns that end in s. form the possessive by adding an apostrophe only. workers' votes the Smiths' house Form the possessive of a singular compound noun by adding an apostrophe and 5 to the last word: the attorney general's decision his sisters-in-law's business Appendix Punctuation 259 SUMMING UP Rather than summarize this detailed material, J offer just four bits of advice: • Always signal the end of a grammatical sentence. • Always observe the five reliable rules on pages 248-249. • Always set off long interrupting elements with commas. • Never put a single comma between a subject and its verb or between a verb and its object. Beyond that, use your judgment: punctuate in ways that help your readers sec the connections and separations that they have lo see to make sense of your sentences. That means you must put yourself in the place of your reader, not easy to do, but something you must learn. On the other hand, write a clearly structured sentence in the first place, and your punctuation will take care of itself. Exercise A.3 These passages lack their original punctuation. Slash marks indicate grammatical sentences. Punctuate them three times, once using the least punctuation possible,a secondtime usingas much varied punctuation as you can, and then a third time as you think best. Youmight also analyze these passages for features of elegance, especially how their sentencesbegin and end. You can even improve them some. 1. Scientis1sand philosophers of science tend to speak as if "scientific language" were intrinsically precise as if those who use it must understand one another's meaning even if they disagree I but in fact scientific language is not as different from ordinary language as is commonly believed I it too is subject to imprecision and ambiguity and hence to imperfect understanding I moreover new theories or arguments are rarely if ever constructed by way of clear-cut steps of induction deduction and verification or falsification I neither are they defended rejected or accepted in so straightforward a manner f in practice scientists combine the rules of scientific methodology with a generous admixture of intuition aesthetics and philosophical commitment I the importance of what are sometimes called extra-rational or extra-logical components of thought in the discovery of a new principle or law is generally acknowledged I ... but the role of these eX1ra-logicalcomponents in persuasion and acceptance in making an argument convincing is less 260 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace frequently discussed partly because they are less visible I the ways in which the credibility or effectiveness of an argument depends on the realm of common experiences or extensive practice in communicating those experiences in a common language are hard to see precisely because such commonalities are taken for granted I only when we step out of such a "consensual domain" when we can stand out on the periphery of a community with a common language do we begin to become aware of the unarticulated premises mutual understandings and assumed practices of the group I even in those subjects that lend themselves most readily to quantification discourse depends heavily on conventions and interpretation, conventions that are acquired over years of practice and participation in a community. -Evelyn Fox Keller, A Feeling for the Organism: The Life and Work of Barbara McClintock 2. In fact of course the notion of universal knowledge has always been an illusionI but it isan illusion fostered by the monistic view of the world in which a few great central truths determine in all its wonderful and amazing proliferation everything else that istrue I we are not today tempted to search for these keysthat unlock the whole of human knowledge and of man's experience I we know that we are ignorant I we are well taught it I and the more surely and deeply we know our own job the better able we are to appreciate the full measure of our pervasive ignorance I we know that these are inherent limits compounded no doubt and exaggerated by that sloth and that complacency without which we would not be men at alii but knowledge rests on knowledge I what is new is meaningful because it departs slightly from what was known before I this isa world of frontiers where even the liveliest of actors or observers will be absent most of the time from most of them I perhaps this sense was not so sharp in the village that village which we have learned a little about but probably do not understand too well the village of slow change and isolation and fixed culture which evokes our nostalgia even if not our full comprehension I perhaps in the villages men were not so lonely I perhaps they found in each other a fixed community a fixed and only slowly growing store of knowledge of a single world I even that we may doubt I for there seem to be always in the culture of suchtimes and placesvast domains of mystery if not unknowable then imperfectly known endless and open. -J. Robert Oppenheimer, "The Sciences and Man's Community," from Science and the Common Understanding GLOSSARY Grammar is the ground ofall. -WILLIAM LANGLAND Most ofthe grounds ofthe world's troubles are matters ofgrammar. -MONTAIGNE There is a satisfactory boniness about grammar which the flesh of sheer vocabulary requires before it can become vertebrate and walk the earth. But to study it for its own sake, without relating it to function, is utter madness. -ANTHONY BURGESS Thou hast most traitorously currupted the yuuth ufthe realm in erecting a grammar school . . . . It will be proved to thy face, that thou hast men about thee that usually talk ofa noun and a verb, and such abominable words as no Christian ear can endure to hear. -WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, 2 HENRY VI, 4.7 261 262 Style: Lessons in Claruv and Grace W hat follows is no tight theory of grammar, just definitions useful for the terms in this book. Where the text discusses something at length, I refer you to those pages. If you want to do a quick review to get started, read the entries on SIJBJECr, SIMPLE SUBJECT, WHOLE SUBJEC'T, and VERB. Action: Prototypically, action is expressed by a verb: move, hate, think, discover. But actions also appear in NOMINALIZATIONS: movement, hatred, thought, discovery. Actions are also implied in some adjectives: advisable, resultant, explanatory, etc. Active: See pp. 76-77. Adjectival Clause: Adjectival clauses modify nouns. Also called RELATIVE clauses, they usually begin with a relative pronoun: which, that, whom, whose, who. There are two kinds: RESTRICTIVE and NONRESTRICTIVE. See pp. 18-20. Restrictive The book that 1 read was good. Nonrestrictive My car, which you saw, is gone. Adjective: A word you can put very in front of: very old, very interesting. There arc exceptions: major, additional, etc. Since this is also a test for ADVERBS, distinguish adjectives from adverbs by putting them between the and a noun: The occupational hazard, the major reason, etc. Some nouns also appear there-the chemical hazard. Adjective Phrase: An ADJEC'TIVE and what attaches to it: so full that it burst. Adverb: Adverbs modify all parts of speech except NOUNS: Adjectives Verbs Adverbs Articles Sentences extremely large. rather old frequently spoke, often slept very carefully, somewhat rudely precisely the man I meant, just the thing 1 need Fortunately, we were on time. Adverb Phrase: An adverb and what attaches to it: as soon as I could. Adverbial Clause: This is a kind of SUBORDINATE CLAUSE. It modifies a VERB or ADJECTIVE, indicating time, cause, condition, etc. It Glossary 263 usually begins with a SUBORDINATING CONJUNCTION such as because, when, if; since, while, unless: If you leave, I will stop. Because he left, I did too. why he is leaving Agent: Prototypically, agents are flesh-and-blood sources of an ACTION, but for our purposes, an agent is the seeming source of any action, an entity without which the action could not occur: She criticized the program in this report. Often, we can make the means by which we do something a seeming agent: This report criticizes the program. Do not confuse agents with SUBJECTS. Agents prototypically are subjects, but an agent can be in a grammatical OBJECT. I underwent an interrogation by the police. Appositive: A noun phrase that is left after deleting which and be: My dog, vbhieh is a dalmatian, ran away. Article: They are easier to list than to define: a, an, the, this, these, that, those. Character: See pp, 34-38. Clause: Aclause has two defining characteristics: I. It has a sequence of at least one SUBJECT + VERB. 2. The verb must agree with the subject in number and can be made past or present. By this definition, these are clauses: She left that they leave if she left These next are not, because the verbs cannot be made past tense nor do they agree in number with the putative subject: for them to go her having gone Conuna Splice: You create a comma splice when you join two independen t clauses with only a comma: Oil-producing countries depend too much on oil revenues, they should develop their educational and industrial resources, as wel1. See p. 244. Complement: Whatever completes a VERB: I am home. Youseem tired. She helped me. Compound Noun: See pp. 69-70. 264 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Conjunction: Usually defined as a word that links words, PHRASES, or CLAUSES. They are easier to illustrate than define (the first two are also categorized as SUBORDINATING conjunctions): adverbial conjunctions because, although, when, since relative conjunctions who, whom, whose, which, that sentence conjunctions thus, however, therefore, nevertheless coordinating conjunctions and, but, yet, for; so, Of, nor correlative conjunctions both X and Y, not only X but Y, (n)either X (nlor Y,X as well as Y Coordination: Coordination joins two grammatical units of the same order with and, or, nor, but, yet: same part of speech phrases clauses you and T,red and black, run or jump in the house but not in the basement \vhen I leave or when you arrive Dangling Modifier: See p. 66. Dependent Clause: Any CLAUSE that cannot be punctuated as a MAIN CLAUSE, one beginning with a capital letter and ending with a period or question mark. It usually begins with a subordinating conjunction such as because, if, when, which, that: why he left because be left which he left Direct Object: The NOUN that follows a TRANSITIVE VERB and can be made the SUBJECT of a PASSIVE verb: I found the money. ---7 The money was found by me. Finite Verb: A verb that can be made past or present. These are finite verbs because we can change their tense from past to present and vice versa: She wants to leave. ---7 She wanted to leave. These are not finite verbs because we cannot change the INFINITIVE to a past tense: She wants to leave. ---7 She wanted to left. Fragment: A PHRASE or DEPENDENT CLAUSE that begins with a capitalletter and ends with a period, question mark, or exclamation mark: Because 1 left. Though I am here! What you did? Glossary 265 Free Modifier: Sec pp. 142-143. Cerund: A NOMINALTZATION created by adding -ing to a VERB: When she left we were happy. ~ Her leaving made us happy. Goal: That toward which the ACTION of a VERB is directed. In most cases, goals are DIRECT OBJECTS: These are complete sentences: He left because Though I am here, I did. she is not! I know what we did. I see you. I broke the dish. I built a house. But in some cases. the literal goal of an action can be the SUBJECT of an ACTIVE VERB: I underwent an interrogation. She received a warm welcome. Grammatical Sentence: See pp. 238-239. Hedge: See pp. 1 2 1 ~ 1 2 2 . Independent Clause: A CLAUSE that that can be punctuated as a grammatical sentence. Infinitive: A VERB that cannot be made past or present. It often is preceded by the word to: He decided to stay. But sometimes not: We helped him repair the door. Intensifier: Sec pp. 122-123. Intransitive Verb: A verb that does not take an OBJECT and so cannot be made PASSIVE. These are not TRANSITIVE verbs: He exists. They left town. She became a doctor. Linking Verb: A VERB with a COMPLEMENT that refers to its SUBJECT. He is my brother. They became teachers. She seems reliable. Main Clause: A main or independent clause has at least a SUBJECT and VERB (imperatives are the exception) and can be punctuated as an independent sentence: I left. Why did you leave? We are leaving. A SUBORDINATE or DEPENDENT CLAUSE cannot be punctuated as an independent sentence. These arc incorrectly punctuated: Because she left. That they left. Whom you spoke to. 266 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Main Subject: SUBJECTof the MAINCLAUSE. Metadiscourse: See pp. 65-68. Nominalization: See pp. 38-39. Nonrestrictive Clause: See pp. 18-20. Noun: Aword that fits this frame: The [ ] is good. Some are concrete: dog, rock, car; others abstract: ambition, space, speed. The nouns that most concem us are NOMIKALIZATIONS, nouns derived from VERBS or ADJECTIVES; act -j action, wide -j width. Noun Clause: A noun clause functions like a noun, as the SUBJECT or OBJECTof a VERB:That you are here proves that you love me. Object: There are three kinds: I. DIRECTobject: the NOUNfollowing a TRA"slTIliEVERB: I read the book. We followed the car. 2. PREPOSITIONAL object: the noun following a preposition: in the house by the walk across the street with fervor 3. INDIRECTobject: the noun between a VERBand its direct object: I gave him a tip. Parallel: Sequences of COORDINATED words, PHRASES, or CI.ACSES are parallel when they are of the same grammatical structure. This is parallel: I decided to work hard and do a good job. This is not: I decided to work hard and that I should do a good job. Passive: See pp. 61-63. Past Participle: Usually the same form as the past tense -ed:jumped, worked. Irregular VERBShave irregular forms: seen, broken, swum, etc. It follows forms of be and have: I have GONE. I am FOUND. It also serves as a modifier: FOUND money, Personal Pronoun: Easier to list than define: I, me, we, us, my, mine; our, ours; you, your, yours; he, him, his, her; she, her, hers; they, them, their, theirs. Glossary 267 Phrase: A group of words constituting a unit but not including a SUBJECT and a FINITE VERB: the dog, too old, was leaving, in the house, ready to work. Possessive: my, your, his, her, its, their or a NOUN ending with -5 or -5': the dog's tail. Predicate: Whatever follows the whole SUBJECT, beginning with the VERB PHRASE, including the COMPLEMENT and what attaches to it: He [left yesterday to buy a hat]. predicate Preposition: Easier to list than to define: in, on, up, over, at: at, by, etc. Prepositional Phrase: The preposition plus its OBJECT: in + the house. Present Participle: The -ing form of a VERB: running, thinking. Progressive: The PRESENT PARTICIPLE form of the VERB: Running streams are beautiful. Punctuated Sentence: See pp. 238-239. Relative Clause: See pp. 18-20. Relative Pronoun: who, whom, which, whose, that when used in a relative clause. Restrictive Clause: See pp. 18-20. Resumptive Modifier: See pp. 141-142. Run-on Sentence: A PUNCTuATED SENTENCE consisting of two or more GRAMMATICALSENTENCES not separated by either a COORDINATING CONJUNCTION or any mark of punctuation this entry illustrates a run- on sentence. Simple Subject: The simple subject is the smallest unit inside the WHOLE SUBJECT that determines whether a VERB is singular or plural: [The [books] simplesubjecl that are required reading] whole subject are listed. The simple subject should be as close to its verb as you can get it. If a book is required reading, it is listed. Stress: See pp. 95-99. 268 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace Subject: The subject is what the VERB agrees with in number: Two men are at the door. One man is at the door. Distinguish thc WHOLE SUBJECT from its SIMPLE SuBJECT. Subjunctive: A form of the VERB used to talk about events that are contrary to fact: If he were President ... Subordinate Clause: A clause that usually begins with a SUBORDl1-:ATINGCONJUNCTION such as if, when, unless, or which, that, who. There are three kinds of subordinate clauses: NOUN, ADVERBlAL, and ADJECTIVAL. Subordinating Conjunction: because, if, when, since, unless, which, who, that, whose, etc. Summative Modifier: Sec p. 142. Topic: See pp. 102-104. Topic String: The sequence of TOPICS through a series of sentences. Transitive Verb: A VERB with a DIRECT OBJECT. The direct object prototypically "receives" an ACTION. The prototypical direct object can be made the SUBJECT of a PASSIVE verb: We read the hook. ~ The book was read by us. By this definition, resemble, become, and stand (as in He stands six feet tall) are not transitive. Verb: The word that must agree with the SUBJECT in number and that can bc inllected for past or present: The book is ready. The books were returned. Whole Subject: You can identify a whole subject once you identify its VERB: Put a who or a what in front of the verb and turn the sentence into a question. The fullest answer to the question is the whole subject: The ability of the city to manage education is an accepted fact. Question: What is an accepted fact? Answer (and whole subject): the ability of the city to manage education Distinguish the whole subject from the SIMPLE SUBJECT: The ability of the city to manage education is an accepted fact. SUGGESTED ANSWERS Y OU will almost certainly come up with answers different from these, many much better. Don't worry whether yours is wordfor-word like mine; focus only on the general principle of the lesson and exercise. EXERCISE 3.4 ] a. Verbs: argue, elevate. No nominaHzations. 1b. Verbs: has been. Nominalizations: speculation, improving, achievement. 3a. Verbs: identified, failed, develop, immunize. Nominalizations: risk. 3b. Verbs: met. Nominalizations: attempts, defining, employment, failure. Sa. Verbs: resulted in. Nominalizations: loss, share, disappearance. Sb. Verbs: discover, use, teach. Nominalizations: instruction. 7a. Verbs: fail, realize, are unprepared, protect, adjust. Nominalizations: life. 7b. Verbs: have, are. Nominalizations: understanding, increases, resistance, costs, education. EXERCISE 3.5 lb. Some educators have speculated whether the family improves educational achievement (helps students achieve more). 3b. Economists have attempted but failed to define full employment. Sa. When domestic automakers lost market share to the Japanese, hundreds of thousands of jobs disappeared. 7b. Colleges understand that they can no longer increase tuition yearly because parents are strongly resisting the soaring cost of higher education. 269 270 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace EXERCISE 3.6 1. Lincoln hoped to preserve the Union without war, but when the South attacked Fort Sumter, war became inevitable. 3. Business executives predicted that the economy would quickly revive. 5. Because the health care industry cannot control costs, the public may decide that Congress must act. 7. Several candidates attempted to explain why more voters voted in this year's elections. 9. The business sector did not independently study why the trade surplus suddenly increased. 11. The CIA is uncertain whether North Korea intends to cease missile testing. 13. If the data contradict each other, you must explain why. 15. They performed the play enthusiastically, but did not stage it intelligently. EXERCISE 3.7 There are many plausible alternatives here, depending on the characters we invent. 1. Although we use models to teach prose style, students do not write more clearly or directly. 3. If members depart from established procedures, the Board may terminate their membership. 5. To implement a new cuniculum successfully, faculty must cooperate with students to set goals that they can achieve within a reasonable time. EXERCISE 4.1 1. Tn recent years, historians have reassessed the place of Columbus in Western history because they have interpreted the discovery of Amer- ica in new ways. 3. To write more coherently, trace the transitions in a book or well-written article. 5. Networks arc aware that they must revise their programming because viewers are watching network TV iess and rental DVDs and cable more. EXERCISE 4.2 1. Those on welfare become independent when they learn skills valued by the marketplace. [I like the passive here in order to stress "marketplace."] Suggested Answers 271 3. In this article, I argue that the United States fought the Vietnam War to extend its influence in Southeast Asia and did not end it until North Vietnam made it clear that it could be defeated only if the United States used atomic weapons. 5. Bierce presents the first section of ... dispassionately. In the first sentence, he describes ... but he takes all emotion away from them ... In paragraph 2, he describes ... but betrays no feeling because he uses neutral and unemotional language, He presents this entire ... even though he fills it with details. [Some will object here that the repeated use of "Biercerhe" is monotonous. Two points: first, most of us never notice when subjects are repeated, and second, we can make more changes: "Even though this section is devoid of emotion, it has many details." Again, the question is nut which is the correct revision, but how we think about it and decide what we like best. That means going beyond simply repeating the rule, "write in the active voice."] EXERCISE 4.3 1. We believe that students binge because they do not understand the risks of alcohol. 3. We suggest that Russia's economy has improved because it has exported more crude oil for hard currency. S. In Section IV, I argue that the indigenous culture overcultivated the land and thereby exhausted it as a food-producing area. 7. To evaluate how the flow rate changed, the current flow rate was compared to the original rate on the basis of figures coJlected by Jordan in his study of diversion patterns of slow-growth swamps, [This sentence technically has a dangling modifier, but it is so common that no reader of technical prose would balk. That last clump of nominalizations is acceptable, because it is a technical term.] EXERCISE 4.4 1. We analyzed your figures to determine their accuracy. We will announce the results when we think it appropriate. 3. When the author treats the conspiracy theories, he abandons his impassioned narrative style and adopts a cautious one, but when he picks up the narrative line again, he invests his prose with the same vigor and force. S. For many years, courts enforced federal regulations concerning the use of wiretaps. Only recently has the Department of Justice loosened restrictions on the circumstances that warrant it. I I 272 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 7. We wrote these directives as simply as possible to communicate effectively with employees who do not read well. EXERCISE 4.6 1. The committee on standards for plant safety discussed recent announcements about regulating air quality. 3. The goal of this article is to describe how readers comprehend text and produce protocols about recall. 5. This paper investigates how computers process information in games that simulate human cognition. 7. The Social Security program guarantees a potential package of benefits based on what individuals contribute to the program over their lifetime. EXERCISE 5.1 1. When the president assumed office, he had two aims-the recovery of ... He succeeded in the first as testified to by the drop in ... But he had less success with the second, as indicated by our increased involvement ... Nevertheless, the American voter was pleased by vast increases in the military ... EXERCISE 5.2 1. Except for those areas covered with ice or scorched by continual heat, the earth is covered by vegetation. Plants grow most richly in fertilized plains and river valleys, but they also grow at the edge of perpetual snow in high mountains. Dense vegetation grows in the ocean and around its edges as well as in and around lakes and swamps. Plants grow in the cracks of busy city sidewalks as well as on seemingly barren cliffs. Vegetation will cover the earth long after we have been swallowed up by evolutionary history. 3. In his paper on children's thinking, Jones (1985) stressed the importance of language skills in the ability of children to solve problems. He reported that when children improved their language skills, they improved their ability to solve nonverbal problems. Jones thinks that they performed better because they used previously acquired language habits to articulate the problems and activate knowledge learned through language. We might therefore explore whether children could learn to solve problems better if they practiced how to formulate them. Suggested Answers 273 EXERCISE 5.3 1. Though modern mass communication offers many advantages, it also poses many threats. If it were controlled by a powerful minority, it could manipulate public opinion through biased reporting. And while it provides us with a knowledge of public affairs through its national coverage, it may accentuate divisiveness and factionalism by connecting otherwise isolated, local conflicts into a single larger conflict when it shows us conflicts about the same issues occurring in different places. It will always be true that human nature produces differences of opinion, but the media may reinforce the threat of faction and division when it publishes uninformed opinion in national coverage. According to some, media can suppress faction through education when it communicates the true nature of cont1icts, but history has shown that the media give as much coverage to people who encourage conflict as to people who try to remove it. 3. When Truman considered the Oppenheimer committee's recommendation to stop the hydrogen bomb project, he had to consider many issues. Russia and China had just proclaimed a Sino-Soviet bloc, so one issue he had to face was the Cold \IVaI'.He was also losing support for his foreign policy among Republic .. m leaders in Congress, and when the Russians tested their first atom bomb, the public demanded that he respond strongly. It was inevitable that Truman would conclude he could not let the public think he had allowed Russia to be first in developing the most powerful weapon yet. In retrospect, according to some historians, Truman should have risked taking the Oppenheimer recommendation, but he had to face political issues that were too powerful to ignore. EXERCISE 6.1 1. [One can imagine different rationales for different strcsses.] In my opinion, at least, the Republic is most threatened by the President's tendency to rewrite the Constitution. 3. In large American universities the opportunities [or faculty to work with individual students are limited. 5. College students commonly complain about teachers who assign a long term paper and then give them a grade but no comments. EXERCISE 6.2 1. During the reign of Queen Elizabeth, the story of King Lear and his daughters was so popular that by the time she died, readers could find it in at least a dozen books. Most of these stories, however, did . i ! 'I I' 274 Style: lessons in Clarity and Grace not develop their characters and were simple narratives with an obvious moral. Several versions of this story must have been available to Shakespeare when he began work on Lear, perhaps his greatest tragedy. But while he based his characters on these stock figures of legend, he turned them into credible human beings with complex motives. 3. Because the most important event in Thucydides' History is Athens' catastrophic Sicilian Invasion, Thucydides devotes three-quarters of his book to setting it up. We can see this anticipation especially in how he describes the step-by-step decline in Athenian society so that he could create the inevitability that we associate with the tragic drama. 5. Revenues changed as follows during July I-August 31: Ohio and Kentucky, up 73 percent from $32,934 to $56,792; Indiana and Illinois, up 10 percent from $153,281 to $168,651; Wisconsin and Minnesota, down 5 percent from $200,102 to $190,580. [The important thing here is to get the sequence of items in a regular order: I could imagine an argument insisting that the percentage be at the end of sentence.] EXERCISE 6.3 The second sentence best introduces the themes of turmoil and disputed succession to the throne, because it is that sentence that announces those themes in its stress. EXERCISE 7.1 1. Critics must use complex and abstract terms to analyze literary texts meaningfully. 3. Graduate students face an uncertain future at best in finding good teaching jobs. 5. Most patients who go to a public clinic do not expect special treatment, because their health problems are minor and can be easily treated. 7. We can reduce the federal deficit only if we reduce federal spending. 9. A person may be rejected from a cost-sharing educational program only if that person receives a full hearing into why she was rejected. Or: An agency may reject a person from ... only when that agency provides a full hearing into why it rejected her. 11. If we pay taxes, the government can pay its debts. 13. Catholics and Protestants will reconcile only when they agree on the Pope's authority. Suggested Answers 275 EXERCISE 7.3 t . Recent research has applied schemata theory to the pedagogy of solving mathematical problems. [Sounds dull to me, but who knows?] 3. Because of their methodological differences, American and British historians have interpreted what caused the War of 1812 in radically different ways. [Sounds significant.] 5. Egyptian and Greek thought influenced scientific thinking. [Sounds banal to me.] 7. Birth order relates to academic success. [Seems significant.) EXERCISE 7.4 1. On the other hand, some TV programming will always appeal to our most prurient interests. 3. One principle governs how to preserve the wilderness from exploitation. 5. Schools transmit more social values than do families. EXERCISE 8.1 1. Proponents of workfare have not yet shown it is a successful alternative to welfare because they have not shown evidence that it can provide meaningful and regular employment for welfare recipients. Therefore, it is premature to recommend that all the states should fully commit themselves to it. 3. We could prevent foreign piracy of videos and CDs if the justice systems of foreign countries moved cases faster through their courts and imposed stiffer penalties. But we can not expect any immediate improvement in the level of expertise of judges who hear these cases. 5. The music industry has ignored the problem of how to apply a rating system to offensive lyrics broadcast over FM and AM radio. Until it does, stations are unlikely to improve their public image, even if they were willing to discuss such a system. 7. Young people will not be discouraged from smoking just because the film and TV industries agree not to show characters smoking. 9. When Congress funded the Interstate Highway System, it did not anticipate inflation, and so the system has run into financial problems. 11. "Reality" shows are the most popular shows on TV because they appeal to our voyeuristic impulses. 13. If carbon monoxide continues to be emitted, world climate will change. 276 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace EXERCISE 8.2 1. Many school systems are returning to the basics, basics that have been the foundation of education for cenruries.,' ... a change that is long overdue ... Itrying to stem an ever rising drop-out rate. 3. For millennia, why we age has been a puzzle, a puzzle that only now can be answer with any certainty.! a mystery that we can answer either biologically or spiritually/ hoping that one day we might stop our inevitable decline into infirmity and death. S. Both scientists and laypeople have been troubled by the ethical issues of test-tube fertilization, issues that require the most delicate balancing between religion and medical hope.! ... an event that has changed the way we think about what it means to be human.! ... finding in them inevitable conflicts between self-interest and religious values. 7. Tn the Renaissance, greater affluence and political stability allowed streams of thought to merge, streams that originated in ancient Greece, in the Middle East, and in Europe itself.! ... a historical development that both undermined the dominance of religious authority over knowledge and laid the groundwork for everything that we know about the world.! ... bringing together knowledge and modes of thought that resulted in a new vision of humankind's potential. EXERCISE 9.2 .1. Those who argue stridently over small matters are unlikely to think clearly about large ones. 3. We should pay more attention to those politicians who tell us hoc .. · to make what we have better than to those who tell us how to get what we don't have. 5. Some teachers mistake neat papers that rehash old ideas for great thoughts wrapped in impressive packaging. EXERCISE 9.3 1. If we invest our sweat in these projects, we must avoid appearing to be working only for our own self-interest. 3. Throughout history, science has progressed because dedicated scientists have ignored the hostility of an uninformed public. 5. Boards of education can no longer expect that taxpayers will support the extravagancies of incompetent bureaucrats. I ~ , , Suggested Answers 277 EXERCISE 12.1 As the Illinois Commerce Commission has authorized, you will have to pay ... You have not had to pay ... , but you will now pay rates that have been restructured consistent with the policy of The Public Utilities Act that lets us base what you pay on what it costs to provide you with service. As the Illinois Commerce Commission has authorized, we are charging you. , . We have not raised rates ... but we are restructuring the rates now ... so that we can charge you for what we pay to provide you with service. EXERCISE 12.2 Your car may have a defective part that connects the suspension to the frame. If you brake hard and the plate fails, you won't be able to steer. We may also have to adjust the secondary latch on your hood because we may have misaligned it. If you don't latch the primary latch, the secondary latch might not hold the hood down. If the hood flies up while you are driving, you won't be able to see. If either of these things occurs, you could crash. EXERCISE A.3 Here are the two passages, first with the least punctuation I can imagine, and then with much more. 1. Scientists and philosophers precise, as if those ... disagree. But in fact scientific language believed. It too is subject to ... understanding. Moreover, new theories or arguments are rarely if ever constructed by way of clear-cut steps of induction, ... falsification, Neither are they defended, rejected or accepted in so straightforward a manner. In practice scientists combine ... of intuition, aesthetics commitment. The importance. , . generally acknowledged. , . . But the role of.,. less visible, The ways in.,. common experiences, on extensive practice ... taken for granted, Only when we step out of such a "consensual domain," when we can stand out, .. the unarticulated premises, mutual understandings and assumed practices of the group, Even in those subjects, , . to quantification, discourse depends heavily on conventions and interpretation, conventions that are acquired over years of practice and participation in a community. Scientists and philosophers of science ... were intrinsically precise, as if those who use it .. , meaning, even if they disagree. But, in fact, scientific language .. , commonly believed: it, too, is subject to '., " ! 278 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace imprecision and ambiguity, and hence to imperfect understanding. Moreover; new theories, or arguments, are rarely, if ever, constructed by way of clear-cut steps of induction, deduction, and verification or falsification; neither are they defended, rejected, or accepted in so straightforward a manner. In practice, scientists combine the rules of scientific methodology with a generous admixture of intuition, aesthetics, and philosophical commitment. The importance of what are, sometimes, called extra-rational, or extra- logical components of ... law is generally acknowledged .... But the role of these extra-logical ... frequently discussed, partly because they are less visible. The ways in which the credibility, or effectivencss , of an argument depends on the realm of common experiences, on extensive practice ... a common language, are hard to see precisely, because such commonalities are taken for granted. Only when we step out of such a "consensual domain," when we can stand ... language, do we begin to become aware of the unarticulated premises, mutual understandings, and assumed practices of the group. Even in those subjects ... quantification, discourse depends heavily on conventions and interpretation, conventions that ... participation in a community. 2. In fact of course, the notion of ... been an illusion. But it is an illusion fostered ... else that is true. We are not today ... man's experience. We know that we are ignorant. \Ve are well taught it. And the more surely and deeply we know our own job, the better able ... pervasive ignorance. We know men at all. But knowledge rests on knowledge. What is new is known before. This is a world ... from most of them. Perhaps this sense was not so sharp in the village, that village which ... not understand too well, the village of slow change ... full comprehension. Perhaps in the villages men were not so lonely. Perhaps they found in each other a fixed community, a fixed and ... single world. Even that we may doubt. For there seem ... , endless and open. In fact, of course, the notion of universal knowledge ... illusion, but it is an illusion ... view of the world, in which a few great, central truths determine, in all its wonderful and amazing proliferation, everything else that is true. We arc not, today, tempted to search ... and of man's experience: \ve know that we are ignorant; we are well taught it; and the more surely and deeply we know our own job, the better able ... pervasive ignorance. We know that these are inherent limits, compounded, no doubt, and exaggerated by ... men at all. But knowledge rests on knowledge: what is new is meaningful, because it departs, slightly, from what was known before. This is a world of frontiers, where even the liveliest ... of the time, from most of them. Perhaps, this sense was not so sharp in the village, that Suggested Answers 279 village which we have learned a little about, but probably do not understand too well-the village of slow change, and isolation. and fixed culture. which evokes our nostalgia, even if not our full comprehension. Perhaps in the villages men were not so lonely; perhaps they found in each other a fixed community, a fixed and, , . single world. Even that we may doubt, for there seem ... and places, vast domains of mystery, if not unknowable, then imperfectly knownendless and open, I I CONTENTS Preface ix PART ONE LESSONTwo Style as Choice Style 11 3 Correctness 1 LESSONONE Understanding PART TWO Clarity 33 53 74 31 LESSONTHREE Actions LESSONFOUR Characters LESSONFIVE Cohesion and Coherence LESSONSIX Emphasis 91 PART THREE Grace III 109 131 160 LESSOr-; EVEN Concision S LESSONEIGHT Shape LESSONNINE Elegance PART FOUR: Clarity of Form 185 198 183 LESSONTEN Motivating Coherence LESSONELEVEN Global Coherence PART FIVE Ethics 213 211 LESSONTWELVE The Ethics of Style Appendix: Punctuation 236 Glossary 261 SuggestedAnswers 269 Acknowledg111ents 280 Index 281 vii PREFACE Most people won't realize that writing is a craft. You have to take your apprenticeship in it like anything else. -KATHERINE ANNE PORTER THE NINTH EDITION What's New The obvious change to this ninth edition of Style is a new subtitle: no longer Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace but just Lessons in ... To avoid changing the title of past editions, I added material under the headings of epilogue, appendix, and afterword, creating a hodge-podge of a book. In the interest of straightening out this disorder, I've turned the two epilogues into lessons and put them before the lesson on ethics. I have also made substantive changes. I have replaced the ethical analysis of Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address with an analysis of the Declaration of Independence. In this new analysis, I make the same point I did about the Second Inaugural: We should understand how gifted writers manipulate the language of their argument and thereby our responses to its logic and substance, and consider the ethical implications of that manipulation. I have added new material. To Lesson 2, I've added a reference list of real and alleged errors so that readers can find a discussion of them more easily. I've also added a note suggesting that while the so-called rule about not beginning a sentence with because makes no sense, it is stylistically sound advice. To Lesson 8, I've added a section on how to work quotations into the flow of a sentence gracefully and how to punctuate around quotation marks. To Lesson 10 (formerly the second epilogue), I've added material on introductions, a new section on diagnosing and revising introductions, and a new section on conclusions. ix x Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace To Lesson II, I've added a note on paragraphs that might disconcert some teachers, but that I think takes a realistic view about their structure. To Lesson 12 on ethics, I've added a section on plagiarism. Most treatments of the subject focus on the actions that constitute it, but this book is based on how readers make judgments, so I discuss plagiarism from the readers' point of view: what makes them suspect it, so that honest writers can avoid the mistaken perception of it. To the appendix on punctuation, I've added a section on artful sentence fragments and on apostrophes, and highlighted more occasions where choices in punctuation have stylistic consequences. In several lessons, I've added a new feature called "Quick Tip." These offer short bits of practical advice about how to deal with some common problems> I've also done a lot of line editing. After twenty-five years of revising this book, you'd think by this time I'd have it right, but there always seem to be sentences that make me slap my forehead, wondering how I could have written them. What's the Same This ninth edition aims at answering the same questions I asked in the earlier ones: • What is it in a sentence that makes readers judge it as they do? • How do we diagnose our own prose to anticipate their judgments? • How do we revise a sentence so that readers will think better of it? The standard advice about writing ignores those questions. It is mostly truisms like Make a plan, Don't use the passive, Think of your audience-advice that most of us ignore as we wrestle ideas out onto the page. When I drafted this paragraph, I wasn't thinking about you; I was struggling to get my own ideas straight. I did know that I would come back to these sentences again and again (I didn't know that it would be for more than twenty-five years), and that it would be only then-as I revised-that I could think abou t you and discover the plan that fit my draft. I also knew that as I did so, there were some principles I could rely on. This book explains them. Preface xi PRINCIPLES, NOT PRESCRIPTIONS Those principles may seem prescriptive, but that's not how I intend them. I offer them as ways to help you predict how readers will judge your prose and then help you decide whether and how to revise it. As you try to follow those principles, you may write more slowly. That's inevitable. Whenever we reflect on what We do as we do it, we become self-conscious, sometimes to the point of near-paralysis. It passes. And you can avoid some of it if you remember that these principles have less to do with drafting than with revision. If there is a first principle of draiting, it is to ignore most of the advice about how to do it. SOME PREREQUISITES To learn how to revise efficiently, though, you must know a few things: terms: SUBJECT, VERB, and COORDINATION. All grammatical terms are capitalized the first time they appear and are defined in the text or in the Glossary. • You have to learn new meanings for two familiar words: TOPIC and STRESS. • You will have to learn a few new terms. Two are important: NOMINALIZATION and METADISCOURSE; three are useful: RESUMPTIVE MODIFIER, SUMMATIVE MODIFlER, and FREE MODIFIER. Some students object to learning new words, but the only way to avoid that is never to learn anything new. NOUN, ACTIVE, PASSIVE. CLAUSE, PREPOSmoN. • You should know a few grammatical Finally, if you read this book on your own, go slowly. It is not an amiable essay to read in a sitting or two. Take the lessons a few pages at a time, up to the exercises. Do the exercises, edit someone else's writing, then some of your own written a few weeks ago, then something you wrote that day. Over the last twenty-five years, I have been gratified by the reception of Style. To those of you who have sent me comments and responses-thank you. I'm also pleased that the first edition created a new topic in linguistic studies: metadiscourse. The few pages devoted to that topic in the first edition have led to scores of articles and even a few books. A web search for metadiscourse Sandra Jamieson. University of California. and I am grateful to those of you who have found it helpful. Seth Katz. I have learned from the undergraduate. Thomas Bever. that I cannot thank you all. Bruce Campbell. and post-docs who have gone through the Little Red Schoolhouse writing program at the University of Chicago (a. Jim Garrett. Her work in prototype semantics is a powerful theoretical basis for the kind of style urged here. and others. I have intellectual debts to those who broke ground in psycholinguistics. Advanced Academic and Professional Writing). Margaret Batschelet. Santa Cruz. Arizona State University. and functional sentence perspective. Nancy Barendse. Constance Gefvert. Vic Yngve. Jill Gladstein. Jan Firbas. Douglas Butturff. Richard Grande. I am equally grateful to the graduate students who taught these principles and offered good feedback. All comments on this edition are welcome. graduate and professional students. Avon Crisrnore. An Instruction Manual is available for those who are interested in the scholarly and pedagogical thinking that has gone into Style. I am indebted to colleagues who have taken time to comment on the work of another. Drew University. Yvonne Atkinson. But again I begin with those English 194 students who put up with faintly dittoed pages (that tells you how many years ago this book was born) and with a teacher who at times was at least as puzzled as they. George . Ken Bruffee. and Brij Lunine. American University. The work of Eleanore Rosch has provided a rich explanation for why verbs should be actions and characters should be subjects.a.xii Style: LeSSOIls in Claritv and Grace generated 42. Noam Chomsky. Nils Enkvist. Michael Halliday. Maxine Hairston. Jeanne Gunner. Karen Gocsik. For reading earlier versions of this book. Randy Berlin. For their thoughtful reviews of this edition. Darren Cambridge. Cheryl Brooke. I thank Theresa Ammirati. Style has had a good run. Bradley University. Christopher Buck. John Hyman. I wish to thank Patricia Webb. Elaine Chaika. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS So many have offered support and suggestions over the last twenty-five years. Donald Byker. Mark Canada.000 hits.k. text linguistics. Paul Contino. Those who keep up with such matters will recognize the influence of Charles Filmore. -MATTHEW ARNOLD . That is the only secret of style. and say it as clearly as you can.PART ONE Style as Choice Have something to say. with the heart as well as the head. that is. -GEORGE ORWELL In matters of grave importance. of thinking for them rather than yourself---or thinking.Lesson 1 Understanding Style Essentially style resembles good manners. -SIR ARTHUR QlJILLER-COUCH The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. is the vital thing. not sincerity. style. It comes of endeavouring to understand others. --OSCAR WILDE 3 . of so great learning and experience . writing fails for reasons more serious than unclear sentences. a difficult task for most writers and a daunting one for many. We bewilder readers when we can't organize complex ideas coherently (an issue I address in Lesson 11). But their first efforts were written in a style so complex that it defeated easy understanding: If use and custom. It is also a problem with a long history. Of course. When we read that kind of writing in government regulations. when we read it in legal documents. It is a problem that has afflicted generations of writers who have hidden their ideas not only from their readers. legalese. But that second principle may seem optimistic to those who want to write clearly. we must still express it all clearly. we call it bureaucratese. organized supporting reasons. and motivated readers to read attentively. grounded them on sound evidence. The first is self-evident. and anyone can. having the help of so long time and continuance wherein to [rcjfine our tongue. academese. but can't get close to this: We could more effectively treat students who drink excessively if we understood why they do. it is a language of exclusion that a democracy cannot tolerate.4 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace PRINCIPLES AND ArMS This book rests on two principles: it is good to write clearly. And they won't even read what we've written unless we motivate them to (an issue I address in Lesson 10). Written deliberately or carelessly. in academic writing that inflates small ideas into gassy abstractions. But once we've formulated our claims. A SHORT HISTORY OF UNCLEAR WRITING The Past It wasn't until about the middle of the sixteenth century that writers of English decided that it was eloquent enough to replace Latin and French in serious discourse. but sometimes even from themselves. especially to those who must read a lot of writing like this: An understanding of the causal factors involved in excessive drinking by students could lead to their more effective treatment. As one complained.. Simplicity should be the firm aim. have griped at nothing in all that time. after one is removed from vulgarity . that then our tongue has no certainty to trust to. Of all the studies of men. in 1776. but write all at random. can one who aims at turgid language. writers could have established a new. Had he followed his own advice. by all those wits which they won't let go but hold for most certain in the right of OUf writing. Cooper adopted it. We should discourage those who love turgid language. in a way that is neither vulgar nor exaggerated...Lesson 1 Understanding Style 5 which furnish matter for the [re]fining. neither noisy nor voluble. with all that cunning. and common sense. I . a complex style had spread to the writing of scientists (or. In fact. 1667 When this continent was settled. this trick of metaphors. natural philosophers). but simple and direct. democratic prose style. In no case. The Amedcan Democrat. James Fenimore Cooper was complaining about our writing: The love of turgid expressions is gaining ground. -c-Richard Mulcastcr. No one can claim to be a man or woman of the world who exaggerates sentiments or deliberately speaks in ways that are turgid or pedantic. History o[ the Royal Society. however. or pedantic utterances. By the early nineteenth century. he might have written. plain arguments. is his simplicity of speech: a simplicity that is equally removed from vulgarity and exaggeration. -Thomas Sprat. of so good wits and judgments which can tell how to refine. this volubility of tongue which makes so great a noise in the world. in abusing that style. nothing may sooner be obtained than this vicious abundance of phrase. Sad to say. A well-bred person speaks simply. and ought to be corrected. the plain words of Thomas Paine's Common Sense helped inspire our Revolution: In the following pages I offer nothing more than simple facts. __ . as they were called. One of the most certain evidences of a man of high breeding. -James Fenimore Cooper. 1582 Within a century. exaggerated sentiments. he sparked no revolution in our national prose style. 1838 Unfortunately. lay claim to he either a man or a woman of the world. The First Pan o{the Elementary. I . .." George Orwell anatomized the turgid language of politicians. academics. stop. the passive voice is wherever possible used in preference to the active.. and other such windy speakers and writers: The keynote lof a pretentious style] is the elimination of simple verbs. Tt has to do almost entirely with certain confusions of the academic writer about his own status. they turn the verb into a noun or adjective. Instead of being a single word. few of us emulate it. ploy. As much as we all admire Twain's directness. -c. then tack onto it a general-purpose verb such as prove. and . the English of Deerslayer is the very worst thajt] even Cooper ever wrote. Mark Twain wrote what we now think is classic American prose." . serve. stop. we ought not be surprised that politicians and academics embrace it. In addition. such as break. {ann.. kill. (But] Cooper wrote about the poorest English that exists in our language. He said this about Cooper's style: There have been daring people in the world who claimed that Cooper could write English. [orm. "Politics and the English Language.v examination instead of by examining). If the best-known critic of a turgid style could not resist it. bureaucrats. serve.. and noun constructions instead of gerunds (b.. They use the passive voice everywhere instead of the active. But as Cooper did.. such as break.. but they are all dead now-all dead but Lounsbury [an academic who praised Cooper's style].. . On the language of the social sciences: A turgid and polysyllabic prose does seem to prevail in the social sciences . spoil. play. usually has little or nothing to do with the complexity of thought. Hc could have written more concisely: Pretentious writers avoid simple verbs. and noun constructions arc used instead of gerunds (by examination of instead of by examining). render. a verb becomes a phrase. The Present In the best-known essay on modem English style. [He] says that Deerslayer is a "pure work of art. I believe.6 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace About fifty years later. The Sociological Imagination . made up of a noun or adjective tacked on to some general-purposes verb such as prove. kill. Instead of using one word. Such a lack of ready intelligibility. render. Wright Mills. in abusing that style Orwell adopted it. mend. -Tom Goldstein. Many students. others learn not only to read that style but to write it. . A doctor feels he might get passed over for an assistant professorship because he wrote his papers too clearly-because he made his ideas seem too simple. thereby sustaining a 450-year-old tradition of unreadable writing. but more could have blamed the writer's inability (or refusal) to write dearly. Apes certainly seem capable of using language to communicate. sad to say. New }(Jrk Times On the language of science: There arc times when the more the authors explain rabout ape communication]. When we recognize that languages have different grammars. give up.Lesson I Understanding Style 7 On the language of medicine: It now appears that obligatory obfuscation is a firm tradition within the medical profession. we can consider the problems of those who translate great works of literature into English. [Medical writing] is a highly skilled. inflicting it on the next generation of readers. Generations of students have struggled with dense writing. . that means. -Douglas Chadwick.. Whether scientists arc remains doubtful. the less we understand. many thinking they weren't smart enough to grasp a writer's deep ideas. sadder still. calculated attempt to confuse the reader. In about half as many words. New York Times Most of us first confront that kind of writing in textbook sentences like this one: Recognition of the fact that systems [of grammar] differ from one language to another can serve as the basis for serious consideration of the problems confronting translators of the great works of world literature originally written in a language other than English. New England Journal of Medicine On the language of law: In law journals. Some have been right about that. and they arc discovering that sometimes they can't even understand each other. lawyers and judges are beginning to worry about how often the)' have been misunderstood. -Michael Crichton. in speeches. in classrooms and in courtrooms. but graduate students. much less why. we typically throw up a tangle of abstract words in long. The afflicted include not just undergraduates taking their first course in economics or psychology. we send it off the moment it meets ours. If that sounds like you. concerned less with their readers' understanding than with their own survival. complex sentences. but as a minefield to cross gingerly. businesspeople. we too easily assume that its complexity signals deep thought. because we can read into it what we want them to get out of it. What we write always seems clearer to us than it does to our readers. And in fact. take heart: you will write more clearly once you more clearly understand your subject and readers. and so we try to imitate it. Others write unclearly because they freeze up. This book shows you how to avoid that trap.8 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace SOME PRIVATE CAUSES OF UNCLEAR WRITING If unclear writing has a long social history. But the biggest reason most of us write unclearly is that we don't know when others think we do. most of us write worse than we do when we write about things we understand belter. . doctors. especially when they are learning to think and write in a new academic or professional setting. And so instead of revising our writing to meet their needs. how to make it better. how to read your own writing as others will. when we want to hide the fact that we don't know what we're talking about. I address that issue in Lesson 2. when you should. But when we also read about a confusing subject written in a complex style. They creep from word to word. They approach a blank page not as a space to explore new ideas. As we struggle to master new ideas. lawyers-anyone writing on a new topic for unfamiliar and therefore intimidating readers. and. it also has private causes. Others write graceless prose not deliberately but because they are seized by the idea that writing is good only when it is free of errors that only a grammarian can explain. there is a great irony: we are likely to confuse others when we write about a subject that confuses us. compounding our already confused writing. of course. Michael Crichton mentioned one: some writers plump up their prose to impress those who think that complicated sentences indicate deep thinking. In all of this. ) So use what you find here not as rules to impose on every sentence as you draft it. "rejoicing in hope. that moment comes weeks. Most experienced writers get something down on paper or up on the screen as fast as they can. and the more clearly they express them. . some of us take a private pleasure in writing a shapely sentence. I go beyond the clarity of individual sentences to discuss the coherence of a whole document. months. As important as clarity is. or time. not as a call to battle. If you enjoy not just writing a sentence but crafting it. And so we have to settle for prose that is less than perfect. In an Appendix. -John F.. For a fortunate few. though embattled we are.) For most of us. Kennedy. Writing is also a social act that might or might not serve the best interests of readers. poverty. though. Inaugural Address. though arms we need. they understand their ideas better. In Lessons 10 and 11. I address some issues about the ethics of style. and then to revise those sentences quickly. but as principles to help you identify alreadywritten sentences likely to give your readers a problem. I've wrestled this book through dozens of drafts. even years after they begin. and there are parts I still can't get right. 1961 Few of us are called upon to write a presidential address. and so it goes.. January 20. but as good as we can make it. so in Lesson . you will find suggestions in Lesson 9. but a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle. some occasions call for more: Now the trumpet summons us again-not as a call to bear al111S. disease and war itself. they express them more clearly. the deadline is closer to tomorrow morning.12. regardless of whether anyone will notice.Lesson 1 Understanding Style 9 ON WRITING AND REWRITING A warning: if you think about the principles offered here as you draft. Then as they rewrite that first draft into something clearer. until they run out of energy. the better they understand them . you may never draft anything. And when they understand their ideas better. but in even our modest prose. I discuss styles of punctuation. patient in tribulation. interest. (Over the last twenty-five years. (Perfection is the ideal. though. year in and year out. but a barrier to done." a struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny. 10 Style: lessons in Clarity and Grace Many years ago. Here they are. is to reduce the whole thing to a series of simple rules-the overmastering passion of their melancholy order. especially those who cannot feel or think or see. Their central aim. indeed. seems to exercise a special and dreadful fascination over school ma'ams. of course. Rules help no one do that. and think carefully can't write sentcnces that make their thoughts. l' .. But I know that many who do see clearly. I also know that the more clearly we write. L. all the books on style in English are by writers quite unable to write. at all times and everywhere.. feel deeply. bucolic college professors. and other such pseudoliterates . Menckcn was right: no one learns to write well by rule. but some principles can. The subject. feelings.. Mencken wrote this: With precious few exceptions. H. the more clearly we see and feel and think. and visions clear to others. B. WHITE 11 . -HUGHBLATR English usage is sometimes more than mere taste. in speaking and writing. -ERASMUS No grammatical rules have sufficient authority to control the firm and established usage of language. is the standard to which we must at last resort for determining every controverted point in language and style.Lesson 2 Correctness God does not much mind bad grammar. like getting across the street. Established custom. -E. judgment. and education-sometimes it's sheer luck. but He does not take any particular pleasure in it. our freedom to choose it seems at best academic. they say. We lost the election because the media did not support us. . we risk being labeled at least unschooled: our verbs must agree with subjects. Most of us choose (2). And if you obsess over them all. When the American Heritage Dictionary says that irregardless is "never acceptable" (except. 2.12 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace UNDERSTANDING CORRECTNESS To a careful writer. irredeemably. But some often repeated rules are less important than many think. Some teachers and editors think we should memorize dozens of such "rules": Never begin a sentence with and or but. That's why T address "correctness" now. but in some matters. Lack of media support was the cause of our election loss. which of these sentences would you choose to write if you wanted readers to think you wrote clearly? I. unequivocally Wrong. nothing is more important than choice. • Never use double negatives. But we choose when we can. Some rules are real-if we ignore them. It is. however. we choose not between better and worse. Never split INFINITIVES. Which. because I want 10 put it where it belongsbehind us. In matters of this kind. correctness seems a matter not of choice. you hinder yourself from writing quickly and clearly. but of obedience. more complicated than that. it ought not rise 10 an even subconscious level of choice. some are not even real rules. There are many others. our pronouns must agree with their referents. of course. For example. but between right and utterly. though. If we remember that irregardless is always Wrong. as in street the (capitalized words are defined in the Glossary). for humor). is no choice at all. we have none-we can't put the after a NOUN. But that lack of choice docs seem to simplify things: "Correctness" requires not sound judgment but only a good memory. Unlike clarity. before clarity. we no longer use all the endings that our verbs required a thousand years . we would speak and write less like Shakespeare and more like the Scottish poet Bobby Burns: Aye wha are sae guid yourself Sae pious and sae holy. When a language has different regional dialects. To others. and if its capital. partly. are right that many rules of Standard English originated in efficient expression. But they are wrong to claim that those rules were devised for that end. and literary life. Ye've nought to do but mark and tell Your neebours' fauts and folly! (All you who are so good yourselves So pious and so holy. Edinburgh. Standard forms of a language originate in accidents of geography and economic power.Lesson 2 Correctness 13 RULES OF GRAMMAR THEIR AUTHORITY AND THE BASIS OF Opinion is split on the social role of rules of grammar. that of the most powerful speakers usually becomes the most prestigious and the basis for a nation's "correct" writing. political. For centuries. You've nothing to do but talk about Your neighbors' faults and Iollyt) Correctness as Unpredictability Conservatives. Correctness as Historical Accident Both views are correct. had become the center of Britain's economic. the rules of Standard English have been so refined by generations of educated speakers and writers that they are now a force of nature and therefore observed by all the best writers of English-or at least should be. those governing our affairs have used grammatical "errors" to screen out those unwilling or unable to acquire the habits of the schooled middle class. on the other hand. To some. For example. Thus if some geographical accident had put Scotland closer to Europe than London is. they arc just another device that the Ins use to control the Outs by stigmatizing their language and thereby discourage their social and political aspirations. which is in fact one historical source of the nonstandard ain't (the other is are + not). the Standard English contraction in I'm here. True. So the standard aren 't I is less logical than the historically predictable but socially stigmatized ain't 1. We now omit present tense inflections in all but one context (and we don't need it there): 1ST PERSON I know + £I. at least if we hope to be taken s. But if by logical we mean regular and therefore predictable.for serious purposes. so it's easy for those inclined to look down on others to think that grammatical "errors" indicate mental or moral ciency. But critics on the right are wrong when they claim that Standard English has been refined by the logic of educated speakers and writers. so much greater is the power of tion that we avoid it. we must either be born into it or invest years learning it (along with the values of its speakers). You know + 0. Yet predicts ain't. many rules of Standard English do reflect an evolution toward logical efficiency. 3RD PERSON Singular Plural She know + S. then Standard English is in many ways less logical than nonstandard English. But our language seems to reflect the quality of our minds more directly than do eun ZIP codes.14 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace ago. They know + 0.mIDus!y we write. We could cite a dozen examples where the violation of a rule of Standard English reflects a logical mind making English grammar more consistent. For example. are 1 nut? Logically. I am here. But that belief is not just factually wrong. We know + £I. of course. aren't I? is aren't. it is socially destructive. we should contract am + not to amn't. and so must by its very nature be superior to the debased language of their alleged social inferiors. . But it is. democracy like ours. the very inconsistency of Standard English that makes its rules so useful to those who would use them to discriminate: to speak and write Standard English. Here's the point: Those determined discriminate seize on any difference. But what could be more unpredictably ungrammatical than the full form. 2ND PERSON You know + £I. Don't use which for that. Most date from the last half of the eighteenth century: Don't split infinitives. Invented Rules Finally.I Social Rules Social rules distinguish Standard English from nonstandard: He doesn't have any money versus He don't have nu muney. Schooled writers observe these rules as naturally as they observe the Real Rules and think about them only when they notice others violating them. and violate only when they are tired or distracted. or find another line of work. some grammarians have invented a handful of rules that they think we all should observe. grammarians have accused the best writers of violating rules like these. For 250 years. The unly writers who selfconsciously try to follow them are those not born into Standard English and striving to rise into the educated class. Which is lucky for the grammarians. and for 250 years the best writers have ignored them. Speakers born into English think about these rules at all when they write. Don't end a sentence with a PREPOSITION. A few date from the twentieth cen tury: Don't use hopefully for I hope. . because if writers did obey all the rules. as in to quietly leave. grammarians would have to keep inventing new ones. it won't rain. have confused three kinds of "rules": Real Rules Real cede don't them rules define what makes English English: ARTICLES must prenouns: the book. The fact is. not book the. as in Hopefully. as in a car which I sold. These are the rules that the grammar police enforce and that too many educated writers obsess over. in their zeal to codify "good" English.Lesson 2 Correctness 15 THREE KINDS OF RULES These corrosive social attitudes about correctness have been encouraged by generations of grammarians who. none . you risk becoming so obsessed with rules that you tie yourself in knots. Two KINDS OF INVENTED RULES We can sort most of these invented rules into two groups: Folklore and Elegant Options. however. The rest of this lesson helps you do that. what good is learning a rule if all you can do is obey if! The alternative to blind obedience is selective observance. you may have to deal with someone whose passion for "good" grammar seems to endow her with the power to see in a split infinitive a sign of moral corruption and social decay. someone will criticize you for something-for beginning a sentence with and or ending it with up. But if you mindlessly obey all the rules all the time." but refuse to submit to whatever "rule" someone can dredge up [rom ninth-grade English.16 Style: LeSSOIlS in Clarity and Grace of these invented rules reflects the consensus of unsclfconscious usage of our best writers. In what follows. but chances are that one day you will. we focus on this third kind of rule. And if you ignore an alleged rule. the handful of invented ones. You may not yet have had some of them inflicted on you. no simple matter to deal with these rules if you want to be thought of as someone who writes "correctly. Folklore These rules include those that most careful readers and writers ignore. If you want to avoid being accused of "lacking standards. In this lesson. And sooner or later. because only they vex those who already write Standard English. you will impose those rules-real or not-on others. After all. you have to know more about these invented rules tban (he rule-mongers do. But then you have to decide which rules to observe and which to ignore. on matters of ." You could choose the worst-case policy: follow all the rules all the lime because sometime. Observing Rules Thoughtfully It is. the quotations that illustrate "violations" of these rules are from writers of considerable intellectual and scholarly stature or who. second edition. (p." Publication of the Modern Language Association This folklore about because appears in no handbook. who. we . what guidance can a manual offer. The second edition was edited by Sir Ernest Gowers.I But. added this: That it is a solecism to begin a sentence with and is a faintly lingering superstition. 1926. In Lesson 5. he added "see and. "Don't begin sentences nores the "rule" twice: with and or but. 29) To the original entry for but. Because it was incomplete. therefore highly variable in its choices? And if that is so." This passage ig- .. are reliable conservatives (some are botb). On this matter. it will be asked. "The Expanding Humanities and the Individual Scholar. 1. but it is gaining currency. is tact not an individual gift." Some inexperienced writers do begin too many sentences with and. enough. to Fowler's original entry for and in the first edition. 1997. edited and completed by Jacques Barzun et al. other than that of its author's prejudices-mere impressionism? -Wilson Follett. S. W. Oxford University Press. considered too permissive by archconservatives).Lesson 2 Correctness 17 usage. J. It probably stems from advice aimed at avoiding sentence FRAGMENTS like this one: The plan was rejected.I Because we have a good deal about apparent to those individual scholar -Walter access to so much historical fact. 1965. despite what some grammarians claim. Fowler's A Dictionary of Modern English Usage (first edition. but that is an error not in grammar but of style. A check mark indicates acceptable Standard English. today we know changes within the humanities 'which were not of any age much before our own and which the must constantly reflect on. Some insecure writers also think they should not begin a sentence with because. Ong. But oddly it does reflect a small stylistic truth. it is useful to consult the guide used by conservative writers: the second edition of H. Modem American Usage:A Guide. Not this: . third edition. This rule about because has no basis in grammar. . it should not begin a sentence. When a because-clause introduces new information. That." llegedly. but it's generally sound. -c-Jacques Barzun. If you want to begin a sentence with a clause expressing causation./ Next is a typical situation which a practiced writer corrects "for style" virtually by reflex action. because since implies that the reader already knows what is in the clause: . Reverse that order and you get a mildly awkward sentence: Because some writers are seized by the idea that writing is good only when it's free of errors that only a grammarian can explain. as it usually does. ·U. 76-77). skim pp. 2. Simple and Direct (p. is not a rule of grammar.18 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace look at a principle of style that tells us to arrange the elements of sentences so that information already part of a reader's knowledge comes before information less familiar to the reader (for a quick summary. 69) . There are exceptions to this principle./ Since our language seems to reflect our quality of mind. Then introduce the clause not with because but with since. the RELATIVEIl0NOUN that-not which-for RESTRICTIVE P CLAUSE§. but end it. It is a fact of English style that a SUBORDtNATELAUSEbeginning with C because usually introduces new information: II' Some writers write graceless prose because they are seized by the idea that writing is good only when it's free of errors that only a grammarian can explain. be sure your reader is familiar with its substance. If you put a since-clause at the end of a sentence.. however. it is a principle of style. the sentence ends weakly. since our language seems to reflect our quality of mind. It is easy for those inclined to look down on others to think that grammatical "errors" indicate mental or moral deficiency. it is easy for those inclined to look down on others to think that grammatical "errors" indicate mental or moral deficiency. not this: A . they write graceless prose. because it does not further "restrict" or identify what the noun names. it should begin with that. We therefore call that clause nonrestrictive. Us[e] that with defining [i. 1973). the clause that made millions "restricts" the product to only the one that made millions. we put a comma before the modifying clause and begin it with which. But. not even by Barzun himself. reprinted as an Oxford University Press paperback. A company can have only one first bankruptcy. so we can unambiguously identify the bankruptcy mentioned without the information in the following clause. It appeared in 1906 in Henry and Francis Fowler's The King's English (Oxford University Press. describes a noun naming a referent that you can identify unambiguously without the information in that clause. then violates it on the next. Barzun himself (one of our most eminent intellectual historians and critics of style) had asserted. sold a product that [notwhich] made millions. which it had filed in 1997. In that . . claimed the Fowlers./' ABCOInc. for restrictive clauses.) A rule has no force when someone as eminent as Barzun asserts it on onc page. restrictive] clauses except when stylistic reasons interpose. ended its first bankruptcy. That rule is based on historical and contemporary usage. you may recall. so they just asserted that henceforth writers should (with some exceptions) limit which to nonrestrictive clauses.e. A nonrestrictive clause. not by his proofreaders. . its first bankruptcy. The Fowlers thought that the random variation between that and which to begin a restrictive elause was messy. but Henry continued the family tradition with A Dictionary of Modem English Usage. In that context. no such reasons interpose. said the Fowlers./' ABCOInc. This "rule" is relatively new. (In the sentence quoted above. and so. Francis died in 1918. not by his editors. Since ABeopresumably makes many products. we should use not which but only that: For example. For example. and his "error" is never caught.Lesson 2 Correctness 19 Yet just a few sentences before. but what I assert in the next will qualify it': ." Allegedly not this: tI J can remember no less than five occasions when the correspondence columns of The Times rocked with volleys of letters . put the clause first in a sentence. 3. In both cases. see the passage by Walter Ong on p. (For another allegedly incorrect which. as mentioned above. "The Life of the Mind in British Universities Today./ Since asbestos is dangerous. not to mean because or although. -Noel Gilroy Annan. Lord Annan. less with nouns you cannot. it should be removed carefully. not because a restrictive which is an error. tI We all have that one rule which we will not give up. "Use since and while to refer only to time. with an added sense of 'What follows I assume you already know': . 17. (p. he discussed the finer points of which and that.) I confess I follow Fowler's advice. 635) That wistful observation was kept in the second edition and again in the third.. I do sometimes choose a which when it's within a word or two of a that.. we disagree about the place." Most careful writers use since with a meaning close to because but. but because that has a softer sound. then added this: Some there are who follow this principle now. "Use fewer with nouns you count.I While we agree on a date." American Council of Learned Societies Newsletter No one uses fewer with mass nouns (fewer dirt) but educated writers often use less with countable plural nouns (less resources). because I don't like the sound of two thats close together: . but also use it with a meaning close to 'I assume you know what I state in this clause. because both since and while imply that the reader already knows what is in . 4.20 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace landmark work. Nor do most careful writers restrict while to its temporal sense (We'll wait while you eat).I We all have that one rule that we will not give up. but it would be idle to pretend that it is the practice either of most or of the best writers. . We disagree about the place.. since it is dangerous. because doing so makes your writing seem just a bit more self-consciously formal. few readers notice when you violate one of these optional rules." Purists condemn Dwight MacDonald./ One wonders why Dr.Lesson 2 Correctness 21 a clause they introduce. -"The String Untuned. Most readers do not notice when you observe a Real Rule. careful readers may think you are trying to be especially correct. the sentence ends weakly: Asbestos should be removed carefully. 2." Purists would condemn William Zinsser for this use of who: . whether you are or not.. while we agree on a date. and one suspects that they wanted to slightly conceal the fact . for this sentence (my emphasis in all the examples that follow) . In those cases.. . Infinitives are now split so often that when you avoid splitting one. a linguistic archconservative. "Don't split infinitives. "Use whom as the OBJECT of a verb or preposition. it is not writers who should change their usage. but does when you violates it (like that)." The New Yorker They would require they wanted to conceal slightly the fact . If writers whom we judge to be compeent regularly violate some alleged rule and most careful readers never notice. On the other hand. When you put such a clause last. 1. but should change their rules./ Soon after you confront this matter of preserving your identity. e's the point: Elegant Options These next "rules" complement the Real Rules: call them Elegant Options. Gave and his editors did not think of labeling knowed as substandard right where it occurs. another question will occur to you: "Who am I writing for?" ---On Writing Well . but some do when you observe it. then the rule has no force. QUICK TIP: If the relative clause modifies a noun and you can delete the relative pronoun and still make sense.I The peculiarities of legal English arc often used as a stick to beat the official with. Always use whom when it is the object of a preposition: The committee chose someone in whom they had confidence. The committee chose someone [ ] earned their trust. In that sentence. the correct form is who: . .I The committee chose someone who earned their trust. use whom. If you cannot delete the who/whom. the correct form is whom: .I The committee decided whom they should choose .22 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace They would insist on another question will occur to you: "Forwhom am J writing?" Most readers take whom as a sign of self-conscious correctness. -The Complete Plain Words .I The committee chose someone whom they trusted . 3. only when it is an object in its own clause. that choice is probably a sign of insecurity. so when a writer uses it incorrectly." Purists condemn Sir Ernest Gowers.I The committee decided who was to be chosen. whom is the subject of the verb should be promoted. In that case. as in this sentence: The committee must decide whom should be promoted. "Don't end a sentence with a preposition. for this: .I The committee chose someone [ ] they trusted. you have to depend on the grammar of the clause: . so it should be who. . Two exceptions: (I) you cannot delete whom when it begins a clause that is the object of a verb. editor of Fowler's second edition. Here is an actual rule: usc who when it is the subject of a verb in its own clause. Ordinarily. . If you adopt the worst-case approach and observe them all. . "Use the singular with none and any. but I suspect it just ended up there (and note the "incorrect" which): [The defense of the English language] has nothing to do with . When you are under close scrutiny.I None of the reasons is sufficient to end the project. 166-167). the second is more formal. the setting up of a "standard English" which must never be departed from. so if you use them as singular." None and any were originally singular. however. Compare: . private virtues are their own reward. your sentence seems marc formal yet. George Orwcll may have chosen to end this next sentence with from to make a sly point about English grammar. can end a sentence weakly (see pp. . but rather stylistic choices that create a slightly formal tone.. but today most writers use them as plural.) And when you choose to shift both the preposition and its whom to the left. which is to say they are not rules at all. 17. The first is correct. see the Ong passage on p. they are ignored by most careful writers. A preposition can..Lesson 2 Correctness 23 and insist on this: . (Again. a stick with which to beat the official.. The second sentence below is a bit more formal than the first: . some readers will notice. 4.. though./ None of the reasons are sufficient to end the project .I The man with whom I met was the man to whom I had written. -c-Gcorge Orwell. "Politics and the English Language" This would have been less awkward and more emphatic: We do not defend English just to create a "standard English" whose rules we must always obey./ The man I met with was the man I had written to . all the time-well. you might choose to observe all these optional rules. (That is. I am serious when I say we must go. sadly. words such as candidly." 2. [rankly.) . if:' Not this: . a handful of items has become the object of particularly zealous abuse. synthesize.'" But [inalize doesn't mean just 'finish. if we think finalize is bad because -ize is ugly. leaving just like as the conjunction. Like became a SUBORDINATING CONJUNCTION in the eighteenth century when writers began to drop as from the conjunctive phrase like as.) I 3./ These operations failed as the earlier ones did.24 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Hobgoblins For some unknown reason. It is telling that the editor of the second edition of Fowler (the onc favored by conservatives) deleted like for as from Fowler's list of "Illiteracies" and moved it into the category of "Sturdy Indefensibles./ I hope that it will not rain. and rationalize. and happily: . Use it only as a noun. along with hundreds of other useful words. none of them interferes with clarity or concision./ Seriously./ These operations failed like the earlier ones did. 1. as in The survey impacted our strategy. we must go.it will not rain. "Don't use hopefully to mean 'I hope:" Not this: . 4. "Never use like for as or as But this: . a common linguistic change. we may fail. There's no explaining why. This "rule" dates from the middle of the twentieth century. we would have to reject nationalize. I ./ Candidly. This process is called elision. as in The survey had all . 1 am candid when I say we may fail. It has no basis in logic or grammar and parallels the usage of other words that no one abuses. (That is. "Don't use finalize to mean 'finish' or ~comp)ete./ Hopefully. Moreover.' It means 'to clean up the last few details: a sense captured by no other word. "Don't use impact as a verb. But this: . 5. When Prince Charles married his friend she became his 'consort'." However arbitrary this rule is. The alphabet is not comprised by its letters.) 6. cohort means 'a group who attends on someone.' You anticipate a question when you prepare its answer before it's asked. his hangers-on are still his cohort.' One country cannot blackmail another with nuclear weapons when it only threatens to use them.' You're eager to leave if you're happy to. or complete with very. this is a rule worth following. Some Words That Attract Special Attention A few words are so often confused with others that careful readers are likely to note your careful usage when you correctly distinguish them-flaunt and flout for example.' It does not mean to 'annoy." That rule would have deprived us of this familiar sentence: . follow it. blackmail means 'to extort by threatening to reveal damaging information. but on some people. single accompanying person. unique. in order to form a more feet union . You're anxious about leaving if it makes you nervous.. . but flaunt your flouting it. "Never ever use irregardless for regardless or irrespective. Here are some others: aggravate means 'to make worse. if you know it's coming but don't prepare. "Don't modify absolute words such as perfect. quite." Impact has been a verb for 400 years. you would not flout your flaunting it. more. and so on.' It does not mean just 'expect. When you use them correctly. those who think the difference matters are likely to note that at least you know that flaunt means 'to display conspicuously' and that flout means 'to scorn a rule or standard. final. Use irregardless and some will judge you irredeemable./ We the People of the United States.' It is not synonymous with constitute.' Thus if you chose to scorn the rule about flaunt and flout. historical evidence has none. you only expect it. per~ (Even so.Lesson 2 Correctness 25 impact on our strategy. anticipate means 'to prepare for a contingency.' You can aggravate an injury but not a person.' It does not mean a comprise means 'to include all parts in a single unit. anxious means 'uneasy' not 'eager..' It does not mean simply 'coerce. continuous means 'without interruption.' We all enjoy praise. Letters constitute the alphabet. capital and capitol. accept and except. especially if you also think their distinctions are worth preserving. you let the other person finish a sentence from time to time.' It docs not mean 'fortunate.') enormity means 'hugely bad. fortuitous means 'by chance. Most careful readers also notice when a Latinate or Greek plural noun is used as a singular. that person will never say a word because your interruption will never stop. but they may be just those whose judgment carries special weight when it matters the most. but not uninterested in it.' You are fortunate when you fortuitously pick the right number in the lottery. a belch might be enormous. so it may be worth doing so. which is thus constituted by them.' It does not mean 'enormous. That's just expected of a schooled writer. If you continually interrupt. affect and effect. notorious means 'known for bad behavior. so you might want to keep these straight. with interruptions. but at a state funeral. proceed and precede. the original meaning of disinterested was 'to be uninterested.' It is not synonymous with continual. it would also be an enormity. (Incidentally.' It does not mean 'uninterested. If you continuously interrupt someone. fulsome means 'sickeningly excessive. disinterested means 'neutral. These days only a few readers still care about these distinctions. too: Singular Plural darum data criterion criteria medium media stratum strata phenomenon phenomena .' It does not mean 'famous: Frank Sinatra was a famous singer but a notorious bully. principal and principle. except when it becomes fulsome.' A judge should be disinterested in the outcome of a case. It takes only a few minutes to learn to use these words in ways that testify to your precision. discrete and discreet. which means an activity through time. On the other hand.' In private.26 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace it comprises them.' It does not mean just 'much. you get no points for correctly distinguishing imply and infer. f Early efforts to oppose the hydrogen bomb failed because they ignored political issues.f Our reasons ARE based on solid evidence. We also expect their pronouns this: to agree with antecedents. are arbitrary and idios"m. and so on. administration. when we refer to singular nouns such as a group. to But this: . No one wanted to expose himself to antiCommunist hysteria./ The faculty HAVE the memo. These days plurals are irregularly used in both senses (but the plural is the rule in British English). do we use a singular or plural pronoun when referring to a noun that is singular in grammar but plural in meaning? For example. committee. But they use a plural verb and pronoun when its members act individually: . . Not Early efforts to oppose the hydrogen bomb failed because it ignored political issues. but not all of them have read it. do we usc a singular or plural verb? Some writers use a singular verb and pronoun when the group acts as a single entity: . Here's the point: A PROBLEM: PRONOUNS AND GENDER BIAS Pronouns and Their Referents We expect literate writers to make verbs agree with subjects: . two problems with making pronouns agree with their referents. No one wanted to expose themselves anti-Communist hysteria. First.Lesson 2 Correctness 27 You rect usage by logic or gen I one-by-one and accept the fact that most of them.ratic./ The committee HAS met but has not yet made its decision. however. staff. There are. it is hard to help them./ Everyone realizes that he must answer for his actions. Gender and Biased Language Common sense demands that we don't gratuitously offend readers. Compare the sentence above with this one: When a writer ignores his reader's ethnicity. their. But that rule raises the problem of biased language. And to the careful ear. Some writers substitute plurals for singulars: . they may respond in ways we would not expect to words that to us arc innocent of bias. a sentence with singular nouns and pronouns seems a shade more precise than one with plural nouns and pronouns. they. But in that sentence. everyone./ When writers ignore their readers' ethnicity. Some writers choose a clumsy he or she. We could also try impersonal straction. because they can refer to different referents. student? We casually use they: Everyone knows they must answer for their actions. and them are confusing. his reader may respond in ways that he might not expect to words that are to him innocent of bias. We can try a first person we. others choose a worse he/she or even s/he. it or they. what pronoun do we use. If a writer ignores the ethnicity of his or her readers. slhe may rcspond in ways the writer would not expect to words that to him or her are innocent of bias. is on drugs. either writers or readers.28 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Second. out that creates its own problem: Failure to consider ethnicity may lead to unexpected words considered innocent of bias. we are left with a lot of bad choices./ If we ignore the ethnicity of our readers. but if we reject he as a generic pronoun because it's biased and they because some readers consider it ungrammatical. I But we can also be ambiguous. When a person Formal usage requires a singular pronoun: . to refer to pronouns such as someone. responses abto . they may respond in ways they might not expect to words that are to them innocent of bias. doctor. no one and to singular common nouns that signal no gender: teacher. . we have a choice now. wondered what to make of an author whom the reviewer charged with attempting to right history's wrongs to women by referring to random examples as "she. because some readers find she as stylistically intrusive as he/she.Lesson 2 Correctness 29 Finally. (We might wonder how it strikes women who happen to he particle physicists. we'll have a problem with singular generic pronouns. you may overestimate. Both are grammatically more of the first? precise. ~ When you specify too precisely the resources you need to process information. SUMMING Up We must write correctly. but if in defining correctness we ignore the difference between fact and folklore. That means. But that's not a perfect solution either. we can alternately use he and she. and she will tell you . A reviewer in the New York Times. but who would choose to read . you risk having more capacity than you need or using costly resources inefficiently. Whatever the future.) For years to come. we risk overlooking what is really important-the choices that make our writing dense and wordy or clear and concise."which strikes this reader as oddly patronizing to women.. and that's not a bad thing. as I have. .. We are not precise when we merely get right the whiches and thats and avoid finalize and hopefully." as in "Ask a particle physicist what happens when a quark is knocked out of a proton. Some claim that such compromises lead to lazy imprecision. for example. Many who obsess on such details are oblivious to this more serious kind of imprecision: Too precise a specification of information processing requirements incurs the risk of overestimation resulting in unused capacity or inefficient use of costly resources or of underestimation leading to ineffectiveness or other inefficiencies. and to some readers. I suspect that eventually we will accept the plural they as a correct singular: ~ No one should tum in their writing unedited. If you do. because our choices define who we are. any solution will be awkward. subordinating conjunction. as causal conjunction. as concessive conjunction. Some of us are straightforward and plain speaking. 244 Comma. that for relative clause. 149-150 Preposition. modified. 20 Finalize. 24 Impact." but clarity and grace. with singular verb. shift in. beginning a sentence. 149-150 Modifier. 152-155 Semicolon. 239 . 239 Sentence. 66 Modifier. And. ending sentence. 28-29 UThichvs. beginning a sentence. A LIST OF REAL AND IMAGINED ERRORS Here is a list of the "errors" covered in this and the following lessons and the pages on which they are discussed. 62-63 I ]! it I lj 'II !!I I . 23 Perfect. in a touch of fastidiously self-conscious "class. others take pleasure in a bit of elegance. dangling. inappropriate. INDIVIDUAL WORD USAGE GRAMMAR faulty. so long as it is not a pretext to discriminate and is subordinate to the more important matters to which we now turn-the choices that define not "good grammar. 24 None. 18-20 They. as a verb.30 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace I suspect that those who observe all the rules all the time do so not because they want to protect the integrity of the language or the quality of our culture. PUNCTUATION Apostrophe. and marks of punctuation. 22 Pronoun. use of. 17 That vs. 17. inappropriate. which for relative clause. 21 Coordination. with singular verb. 24 Irregardless. 24 Hopefully. 25 Since. 248 Sentence fragment. but to assert a style of their own. 27 Voice. 257-258 Comma splice. 17 Fewer vs. as singular pronoun. fused. faulty. 246-247 Sentence. less. beginning a sentence. 25 Like. whom. Coordination. 17 Bur. 149-150 incorrect. 23 Because." It is an impulse we should not scorn. 28-29 Split infinitive. 21 Subject-verb agreement. 17 Any. run-on. 20-21 Who vs. 18-20 While. 248-257 Quotation marks. misplaced. 151 Parallelism. referent agreement. PART TWO Clarity Everything that can be thought at all can be thought clearly. -FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE . -LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN It takes less time to learn to write nobly than to learn to write lightly and straightforwardly. Everything that can be said can be said clearly. -WILLIAM GASS 33 . HAMUir.Lesson 3 Actions Suit the action to the word. the word to the action. -WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.2 [ am unlikely to trust a sentence that comes easily. 3. We can use those words to distinguish these two sentences: la. and WHOLE SUBJECTS. SIMPLE SUBJECTS. • Those verbs express specific actions. concise. because it follows two principles: • Its main characters arc subjects of verbs . The cause of our schools' failure at teaching basic skills is not understanding the influence of cultural background on learning. dense. Most readers think (2b) tells its story more clearly than (2a). . (Ib) clearer. We prefer something closer to this: . as a walk through the woods was taking place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood. when the Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightened her. the Wolf'sjump out from hehind a tree occurred. we say it's dense when we struggle to read it. Once upon a time. direct. you must be able to identify VERBS. more direct. you have to know what counts as a well-told story. abstract. The problem is to understand what is in those two sentences that makes us feel as we do. indirect.34 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace UNDERSTANDING THE PRINCIPLES OF CLARITY Making Judgments We have words enough to praise writing we like: clear. When we say that (Ia) is unclear. Our schools have failed to teach basic skills because they do not understand how cultural background influences the way a child learns./ 2b.) '\ Telling Stories About Characters and Their Actions This story has a problem: 2a. To do that. But those words don't refer to anything in those sentences. (To profit from this lesson and the next three. Once upon a time. Only then can we rise above our toogood understanding of our own writing to know when our readers will think it needs revising. we mean that we have a hard time understanding it. See the Glossary. and more than enough to abuse writing we don't: unclear. they describe how those sentences make us feel. causing her fright. lb. complex. Lillie Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods. I Most of us would call (Ia) too complex. The subjects and the main characters are now the same words: SUBJECT/CHARACTER VERB Little Red Riding Hood the Wolf' was walking jumped Principle of Clarity 2: Make important actions verbs. Now look at how the actions and verbs differ in (2a): its actions are not expressed in verbs but in abstract nouns (actions are boldfaced. . The subjects in that sentence do not name its characters.Lesson 3 Actions 35 Those two explanation. OCCURRED. at the subjects in (2a). The simple subjects (boldfaced) are not the main characters (italicized): Za. Contrast those abstract subjects with the concrete subjects (italicized and boldfaced) in (2b): 2b. as a walk through the woods WAS TAKING place on the prot of Little Red Riding Hood. Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods. the Wolfsjump out from behind a tree causing her fright. it is not the subject. but they need some Look Principle of Clarity 1: Make main characters subjects. Once upon a time. the Wolf''sjump out from behind a tree occurred. but the Wolf is only attached to the simple subject jump. verbs are capitalized): Za. as a walk through the woods was taking place " on the part of Little Red Riding Hood. they name actions expressed in the abstract NOUNS walk and jump: SUBrECT VERB was taking place a walk through the woods the Wolf''sjump out from behind a tree occurred The whole subject of occurred does have a character in it: the Wolf's jump. causing her fright. when the Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and frightencdher. principles seem simple. Once upon a time. Once upon a time. In (Zb) the more direct sentence. but it's not. Fairy Tales and Writing for Grown-ups Writing in college or on the job may seem distant from fairy tales. and factions (characters are italicized./ 3b. First. . the clearer sentence. The Federalists' argument in regard to the destabilization of government by popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of factions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good . Its simple subject is argument. The Federalists' argument in regard to the destabilization of government by popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of factions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. the two main characters. the simple subject is boldfaced): 3a. occurred. Once upon a time. the sentence that seems wordy and indirect. The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government. government. Here's the point: In (2a). when the Wolf JUMPED out from behind a tree and FRIGHTENED her.36 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Note how vague the verbs are: was taking. jump. We can analyze those two sentences as we did the ones about Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf. popular democracy. . Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf./ 2b. and fright-are not verbs. its characters are not subjects. Little Red Riding Hood WAS WALKISG through the woods. because they believed that factions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. In (2b). are not subjects. Sentence (3a) feels dense for two reasons. and their actions walk. but the characters are Federalists. Compare these two: 3a. the verbs name specific actions: . That's why we prefer (2b). because most sentences tell stories. those two main characters are subjects and their main actions are verbs. Sa. the actions (boldfaced) are verbs (capitalized): 3b. The Federalists' argument in regard to the destabilization of government by popular democracy WAS BASED on their belief in the tendency of factions to FURTHER their self-interest at the expense of the common good.Lesson 3 Actions 37 Second. II 1'. VERB/ACTION to further In the rest of this lesson. because they believed that factions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good. but rather abstract nouns (also boldfaced). at characters and subjects.'1 . its characters (italicized) are subjects (boldfaced): jb.IZED government. . The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government. in the next. most of the actions (boldfaced) are not verbs (capitalized). The Federalists ARGUED that popular democracy DESTABII. we look at actions and verbs.1 Note that all those subjects are short and specific: .I :1 Second. Notice the long whole subject of (3a) and how little meaning is expressed by its main verb was based: WHOLE SUBJECT The Federalists' argument in regard to the destabilization of gpvemment by popular democracy was ! Readers think (3b) is clearer for two reasons: first. I! . because they BEliEVED that factions TENDED TO FURTHER their self-interest at the expense of the common good. argumentative. ~ repair REQUEST REVIEW Our request that you DO a review of the data. they are nouns: 4a. NOMINALIZATION careless different proficient ~ carelessness difference proficiency resist react ~ resistance reaction ~ We can also nominalize GERUKD): a verb by adding We sang ~ -zng (making it a She flies --'t her flying our singing Some nominalizations hope We --7 and verbs are identical: -7 hope result that you IS result repair the data. on the other hand. In (4a). the actions are almost all verbs: . actions (boldfaced) are not verbs (capitalized). NOMINALIZATION discover discovery ~ ADJECTIVE . A noun derived from a verb or adjective has a technical name: nominalinuion. especially when you make those abstract nouns the subjects ofverbs. Because we LACKED data. (Some actions also hide out in adjectives: It is applicable -> it applies Some others: indicative. we could not EVALUATE whether the UN HAD TARGETED funds to areas that most NEEDED ASSISTANCE. Look at how sentences (4a) and (4b) express their actions. -ence..38 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace VERBS AND ACTIONS Our principle is this: A sentence seems clear when its important actions are in verbs.i . dubious.. The word illustrates its meaning: When we nominalize nominalize. deserving./ 4b. nouns ending in -tion... Our lack of data PREVE. I'! Readers will think your writing is dense if you use lots of abstract nouns. and so on.. especially those derived from verbs and ADJECTIVES.. -tnent. in In (4b). Here are a few examples: VERB . we create the nominalization nominalization.\ITED evaluation of UN actions targeting funds to areas most in need of assistance. Lesson 3 Actions 39 No element of style more characterizes turgid writing.2 If you aren't sure whether you can distinguish verbs. and difficult. Exercise 3. That's verb object We d{)er discussed the problem. doer action But it is no' h"p this armosr synonymous was The problem We move andactions around in a sentence. Here's the point: are characters often true: subject In grade school. we. and the nominalizations into adjectives and verbs.1 Analyze the subject/character and verb/action in these sentences: There is opposition among many voters to nuclear power plants based on a belief of their threat to human health. and subjects and verbs don't have to name any particular kind of thing at all. readers are likely prose is clear. direct. turn these verbs and adjectives into nominalizaticns.learned that subjects (or "doers") that verbs actions. Exercise 3. . especially as the subjects of verbs. writing that feels abstract. than lots of norninalizations. and nominalizations. Many voters oppose nuclear power plants because they believe that such plants threaten human health. adjectives. Remember that some verbs and nominalizations have the same form: Poverty predictably CAusessocial problems. But when in most of your sentences you match characters to subjects and actions with verbs. and readable. indirect. Poverty ISa predictable cause of social problems. sentence: of our discussion. or five-word) introductory phrases. analyze. Then rewrite that sentence into its nominalized form: My suggestion ts that our discussion of the issue be done with care. rewrite. Only when you see how a clear sentence can be made unclear will you understand why it seemed clear in the first place.2.40 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace analysis suggest expression decrease emphasize believe approach failure improve explanation attempt comparison intelligent increase description conclusion define thorough accuracy dear evaluate discuss appearance careful examine Exercise 3. The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations means the loss of jobs for many American workers. Then look for two things: • You underline abstract nouns as simple subjects (boldfaced). and then revise them. 1. b. For example. and careful. The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations means the loss of jobs for many American workers. you can also use them to identify sentences that your readers would want you to revise. . Ignoring short (four. But more important. Diagnose a.3 Create sentences using verbs and adjectives from Exercise 3. DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION You can use the principles of verbs as actions and subjects as characters to explain why your readers judge your prose as they do. Revision is a three-step process: diagnose. write: f SUGGESTthat we DISCUSSthe issue CAREFULLY. Then rewrite them using the corresponding nominalizations (keep the meaning the same). using suggest discuss. underline the first seven or eight words in each sentence. a. . outsourcing . The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations means the loss of jobs for many American workers. b. although. or thaI. Decide who your main characters are. Some Common Patterns You can quickly nominalizations. eight. or more words before getting to a verb. The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations (10 words) means the loss of jobs for many American workers. why. whether. If the actions are nominalizations. has. Analyze a. seems. especially actions in nominalizations. how. Then look for the actions that those characters perform. spot and revise five common patterns of 1.: The intention of the committee IS of an empty verb such to audit the records. Change the nominalization intention . The nominalization is the subject as be.intend to a verb: . make them verbs. Rewrite a. 3. corporations outsourcc American workers lose c.outsource loss . because corporations are outsourcing their high-tech work to Asia. Make the characters the subjects of those verbs. flesh- The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations means the loss of jobs [or many American workers.lose h. 2. Rewrite the sentence with SUBORDlNATING CONJUNCTIONS like because. those abstract nouns derived from verbs. particularly and-blood (more about this in the next lesson). etc./ Many middle-class American workers are losing their jobs. it: when.Lesson 3 Actions 41 • You read seven. although. 2. 3. Make those characters subjects of those verbs: we losc they expand CLAUSES d. c. Find a character that would be the subject of that verb: The intention of the committee is to audit the records. since. a. Make that character the subject of the new verb: ./ The agency ---+investigated INVESTIGATED the matter. Identify the characters verbs: that would be the subjects of those Our loss in sales was a result of their expansion of outlets. Replace the empty verb with the new verb: conducted . The nominalization The agency follows an empty verb: an investigation into the matter. CONDUCTED a./ The committee INTENDS to audit the records. One nominaIization is the subject of an empty verb and a second nominaIization follows an empty verb: Our loss in sales WAS a result of their expansion of outlets.42 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace b. so long as • To contradict expected causes: though. c. Revise the nominalizalions loss -)0 into verbs: ---+expand lose expansion b. when • To express conditional cause: if: provided that. Link the new with a logical connection: • To express simple cause: because. unless Our loss in sales was the result of their expansion of outlets ---+ We LOST sales ~ ---+ because they EXPANDED outlets . Change the nominalization investigation ---+investigate to a verb: b. a. If X. Either leave the second nominalization as it is or tum it into a verb in a clause beginning with how or why: evolution of the brain . Although X. QUICK TIP: When you start to revise a complicated sentence. Two or three prepositions: nominalizations in a row are joined by We did a review of the evolution of the brain./ We NEED not this problem further. a. Make that character the subject of the verb: no need -+ we need not STUDY our study -+ we study . Turn the first nominalization review -+ into a verb: review b. i· I i~ . it will probably fit one of these three patterns: X because 1. Change the nominalization need -~ to a verb: need study ~ study b. c./ First. we REVIEWED -+ how the brain evolved REVIEWED the evolution of the brain .esson 3 Anions 43 <I 4. Y. then 1. Think of the meaning of the sentence./ First.I . A nominalization There IS follows there is or there are: i no need for our further study of this problem. how the brain EVOLVED. we . then try out these patterns. Identify the character verb: that should be the subject of the There is no need for our further study of this problem.J . 5. . I Although others started earlier.44 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace Some Happy Consequences When you consistently rely on verbs to express key actions. . .of an irrational patient appearing I in a Trauma Center to provide legal consent' rest with the attending physician alone. . Your sentences are more concrete. despite an earlier start by others . only the attending physician can decide" whether to medicate' him.) Decisions" in regard to admtnistratton' of medication despite inability. we pre- 4. in our . you have to link actions with fuzzy prepositions and phrases such as of: by. The logic of your sentences is clearer. we succeeded because sented our study more effectively. Compare: There WAS an affirmative decision for expansion . Your sentences are more concise. your readers benefit in many ways: 1. When you use nominalizations. we CAN SERVE clients more EFFICIENTLY. When you nominalize verbs.I If we REVISE the program. although.I When a patient appears' in a Trauma Center and behaves? so irrationally that he cannot legally consent! to treatment. This next sequence of actions distorts their chronology. and on the part of. You don't nccd them when you use vcrbs and conjunctions (italicized): A revision of the program WILL RESLLT in increases efficiency in the servicing of clients . you have to add articles like a and the and prepositions such as of. When we revise those actions into verbs and reorder them. 3. because they will have concrete subjects and verbs. we get a more coherent narrative: . by. But when you use verbs. and if OUf more effective presentation of our study resulted in our success. you link clauses with precise subordinating conjunctions such as because. Your sentence tells a more coherent story.I The Director DECIDED to EXPAND the program. 2. (The numbers refer to the real sequence of events. and in. First. You wonder whether that person is just being difficult. I I Exercise 3. Why are we so often right about the writing of others and so often wrong about our own? It is because we all read into our own I I . that they see where my writing needs work better than I do. QUICK TIP: When you start revising a longer piece of work. Seuss. Both are right. I I I writing what we want readers to get out of it. that sidesteps our roo-good understanding of it. but you bite your tongue and try to fix what should be clear to anyone who can read Dr. That explains why two readers can disagree about the clarity of the same piece of writing: a reader who knows its content better is likely to think the passage is more clearly written than is a reader who knows less about it. That is why we need to look at our own writing in a way that is almost mechanical.Lesson 3 Actions 45 A COMMON PROBLEM SOLVED You've probably had this experience: you think you've written something good.. look first at those passages that were hard to write because you didn't fully understand your ideas. When that happens to me (regularly. We all tend to write badly when we're unsure about what we want to say or how to say it. Degrees of clarity are in the eye of more or less informed beholders. If 1. I might add). you have a candidate for revision.11 . but your reader thinks otherwise.4 One sentence in each of these pairs is clear. Then circle nominalizations and highlight verbs.identify which is which. with actions in nominalizations and characters often not in subjects. If you don't see in those words a character as a subject and a verb as a specific action. The quickest way is to underline the first seven or eight words of every sentence. I almost always realize-eventually-that my readers are right.expressing characters as subjects and actions as verbs. the other is indirect. There is a need for an analysis of library use to provide a reliable base for the projection of needed resources. 3a. have . Some people argue that atmospheric carbon dioxide does not elevate global temperature. 2a. no one has demon- strated that to be true. our schools will teach complex subjects more effectively. 6a. Sb. Use its paired verbal version as a model. Attempts by economists at defining full employment been met with failure. Colleges now have an understanding that yearly tuition increases are now impossible because of strong parental resistance to the soaring cost of higher education. 4b. Sa. .46 Style: LeSSOllS ill Clarity and Crace you are good at grammar. When we write concisely. 2b. illl Ell I. For example.5 Now revise the nominalized sentences in Exercise3. Exercise 3. 6b. 3b. 7b. Researchers have identified the AIDS virus but failed to develop a vaccine to immunize those at risk. readers understand easily. There has been speculation by educators about the role of the family in improving educational achievement.I.il -m 4a. Although critics claim that children who watch a lot of television tend to become less able readers. if the verbal sentence begins with when. 7a.4 into sentences with verbs. Smoking during pregnancy may lead to fetal injury. Then put a "c" over characters that seem to perform actions. 1b. underline subjects. begin your revision with when: Sentence to revise: 2a. Smoking during pregnancy may cause fetal injury. We need to know which parts of our national forests are being logged most extensively so that we can save virgin stands at greatest risk. 1a. The lossof market share to Japan by domestic automakers resulted in the disappearance of hundreds of thousands of jobs. Many professional athletes fail to realize that they are unprepared for life after stardom because their teams protect them from the problems that the rest of us adjust to every day. When educators discover how to use computer-assisted instruction. Complaints by editorial writers about voter apathy rarely offer suggestions about dispelling it. Lesson 3 Actions Model: Your revision: 2b. SMOKE •. 7. 2. In (1) through (5). 10. 5. The Dean's rejection of our proposal was a disappointment but not a surprise because our expectation was that a decision had been made. the agents are italicized. Physical conditioning of the team is the responsibility of the coaching staff. Attempts at explaining increases in voter participation in this year's elections were made by several candidates. Your analysis of my report omits any data in support of your criticism of my findings. In 11 through 15. . 6.6 Revise these next sentences so that the nominalizations are verbs and characters are their subjects. but the South's attack on Fort Sumter made war an inevitability. 4. Lincoln's hope was for the preservation of the Union without war. 11. 8. Attempts were made on the part of the president's aides to assert his immunity from a congressional subpoena. The agreement by the classon the reading list was based on the assumption that there would be tests on only certain selections. 47 readers UNDERSTANDmore easily. When pregnant women Exercise 3. There is uncertainty at the CIA about North Korean intentions as to cessation of missile testing. 3. only the nominalizations are boldfaced. 9. 1. find the actions and revise. In sentences 6 through 10. 14. There was no independent business-sector study of the cause of the sudden increase in the trade surplus. characters are italicized and nominalizations are boldfaced. find or invent the characters and revise. There were predictions by businessexecutives that the economy would experience a quick revival. 2a. Contradictions among the data require an explanation. An understanding as to the need for controls over drinking on campus was recognized by fraternities. 12. The health care industry's inability to exert cost controls could lead to the public's decision that congressional action is needed. A papal appeal was made to the world's rich nations for assistance to those facing the threat of African starvation. When we WRITE concisely. 13. [because] . The trick is to know which to keep and which to revise.. Keep these: 1./ Interest rates DECLINEDbecause Congress REDUCEDthe deficit. [When . Exercise 3.I as a short subject refers to a previous aU depend on a single unproven claim ... A nominalization sentence: . . The use of models in teaching prose style does not result in ! II I . ...7 Revise these sentences. ] Precision in plotting the location of building foundations enhances the possibility of its accurate reconstruction. because . [If members . For example: Congress's reduction of the deficit resulted in the decline of interest rates. . . But in fact. you can't write well without them. [To implement ... ] The successful implementation of a new curriculum depends on the cooperation of faculty with students in setting achievable goals within a reasonable time./ These arguments . ] Any departures by the members from established procedures may cause termination of membership by the Board. (When we precisely plot .. 1. A short nominalization replaces an awkward The fact that: . improvements of clarity and directness in student writing. ] A student's lack of socialization into a field may lead to writing problems because of his insufficient understanding about arguments by professionals in that field.. ...48 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 15. Those nominalizations link one sentence to another in a cohesive now. 4. ] Two QUALIFICATIONS Useful Nominalizarions I have so relentlessly urged you to tum nominalizations into verbs that you might think you should never use one. 2.../ This decision can lead to positive outcomes. Their performance of the play was marked by enthusiasm but lacked intelligent staging. At the end of each is a hint.. [Although we use .. 5.. 3. an issue I'll discuss in more detail in Lesson 5. 2. . 4. She requested something]. However. did not spark the American . why not this: . I accepted her request. A nominalization verb: ~ names what would be the I accepted what she REQUESTED [that is. But then. A nominalization refers to a concept so familiar to your readers that to them. She REQUESTED after the deadline. many freed peasants chose to live on communes [or purposes of cooperation in agricultural production as well as for social stability. This was written by a student aspiring to academic sophistication: After Czar Alexander II's emancipation of Russian serfs in 1861.. I. it is a virtual character (more about this in the next lesson): ~ ~ Few problems have so divided us as abortion The Equal Rights Amendment representation on demand. Despite some communes' attempts at economic and social equalization II i ./ She IMPRESSED me when she ACKKOWLEDGED the problem.Lesson 3 Actions 49 The fact that she ~ ACKNOWLEDGED the problem impressed me. i This kind of nominalization feels more concrete than an abstract one.I 1 1 I i I for assistance assistance CAME after the deadline. but not in Dick-and-Jane sentences. contrast request above with this next sentence. taxation. Her acknowledgment of the problem impressed me. tax. We DEMAND that Congress the inheritance Clarity. . of the 3. Not Sirnplernindedness Your readers want you to write clearly. You must develop an eye for norninalizations expressing a common [I ! idea and those that you can revise into a for a repeal of the inheritance REPEAL verb: There is a demand ~ tax. revolution. amendment.I Taxation without Revolution. " : I . OBJECT . I' was an issue in past elections. where request is more of an action: Her request ~ . election. ]'. representation. Those nominalizations name familiar concepts: abortion on demand. They could also create a stable social structure. However. Many of them chose to live on agricultural communes. hoping they could cooperate in working the land and establish a stable social structure. When that student applied those principles to his primer-style sentences. One is a . This happened because even serfs had made social distinctions among themselves for centuries. Some argue that all sentences should be short. But most mature ideas are too complicated to express in Dick-and-Jane sentences. But the communes failed to equalize them socially because the serfs had for centuries observed their own social distinctions. he revised again: After Russian serfs were emancipated by Czar Alexander 11 in 1861. As one strategy. we mentally integrate two levels of sentence structure. In his struggle to write clearly. At first. a strategy that reduced them to near poverty. In Lessons 8 and 9 we look at ways to revise too-short. SUMMING UP We can represent these principles graphically. many chose to live on agricultural communes. they tried to impose on all a low economic status. Those sentences are long but clear. he revised that paragraph something that sounds as if it were written by a 12-year-old: into In 1861. There they thought they could cooperate with one another in agricultural production. As we read. no more than 20 or so words. The leaders of some of these communes tried to equalize the peasants economically and socially. because the writer consistently aligned major characters with subjects and actions with verbs. which resulted in their reduction to near poverty. That reduced them to near poverty.50 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace through the strategy of imposing low economic status on the peasants. too-simple sentences into a style that is readable but still complex enough to communicate complex ideas. a centurieslong history of social distinctions even among serfs prevented social equalization. the communes failed to equalize them socially. some who led the communes tried to equalize the new peasants socially and economically by imposing on everyone a low economic status. Czar Alexander 11 emancipated the Russian serfs. to improve morale. . We can graphically combine those principles: Fixed Subject Character .I The staff CAN PREPARE adequately. only after the dean whether the department WILL FUND the program. The veto of the bill by the president infuriated Congress. he subject INFURIATED wrb When you frustrate those expectations. they want to see the character . Instead. They have no fixed order. 2. DECIDES . like this: the bill.I The committee Il\TENDS of morale. as in these two: The presidents veto of the bill infuriated Congress. you make readers work harder than they should have to. Make the subjects with those actions. subject VETOED verb as the subject.Lesson 3 Actions 51 relatively fixed grammatical sequence of subject empty box is for everything that follows the verb): and verb (the I )1: Fixed 1 Subject Verb I I _ The other level of sentence structure is based on its characters and their actions.I I Verb I not just ill a Variable Action Keep in mind that readers want to see characters subject. but readers prefer them matched to subjects and verbs. of those verbs the characters associated ii I A decision by the dean in regard to the funding of the program by the department is necessary for adequate staff preparation . Express actions in verbs: The intention of the committee is improvement .I When the president Congress. So keep these principles in mind as you revise: 1. They name what would be the object of a verb: I do not know what she INTENDS • ./ Few problems have so divided us as abortion on demand. d. They replace an awkward The fact that: The fact that she strenuously objected impressed me . They refer to a previous sentence: ./ These arguments all depend on a single unproven claim. ./ The Equal Rights Amendment was an issue in past elections. Don't revise these nominalizations: a. Thcy name a concept so familiar to your readers that it is a virtual character: . b. .S2 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Crace 3./ Her strenuous objections impressed me. . c./ I do not know her intentions. without loss of sense or dignity. -SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE When character is lost.Lesson 4 Characters Whatever is translatable in other and simpler words of the same language. -ANONYMOUS I I I. all is lost. S3 . is bad. Sentence (I a) is a third shorter than (I b). Compare (I a) with (I b): la. The CIA FEARED the president that it REDUCE its budget. The fear of the CfA WAS that a recommendation from the president to Congress WOULD BE for a reduction in its budget. but some readers don't think it's much clearer. important characters are short. but the abstract subjects in (I c) make a bigger one. verbs capitalized): 1a. The CIA had fears that the president would send a recommendation to Congress that it make a reduction in its budget. to Congress that 1b. The CIA feared the president would recommend it reduce its budget. But now compare (lb) and (l c): 1b.54 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace UNDERSTANDING OF CHARACTERS ACTIONS THE IMPORTANCE Readers think sentences are clear and direct when they see key in their VERBS. from the president Every reader thinks that (lc) is less clear than either (I a) or (lb). The CIA HAD fears that the president WOL'LD SEND a recommendation to Congress that it MAKE a reduction in its budget. The different verbs in (I a) and (I b) make some difference. The reason is this: In both (I a) and (lb). but abstractions (boldfaced). I . WOULD RECOMMEND to Congress 1b. The CIA had fears that the president would send a recommendation to Congress that it make a reduction in its budget. But the two subjects in (I c) are not concrete characters. The fear of the CIA was that a recommendation to Congress would be for a reduction in its budget. subjects boldfaced. 1c. specific SUBJECTS of verbs (characters are italicized. l c. Ii . JI We can diagnose that sentence: I. or only implied. Who fears? Who recommends? Who reduces? It is important to express actions in verbs. But in that example. you have to know three things: 1. Find the main characters. In that sentence. readers want to see characters as the subjects of verbs. specific.Lesson 4 Characters 55 Re·ad. There was fear that there would be a recommendation for a budget reduction.en. Skim the first seven or eight words: Governmental intervention in fast-changing technologies to the distortion of market evolution and interference product development. Governmental the distortion development.1 I ji. like this: l d. what you should do when you find them (or don't) 'I I For example. when you haven't done that 2. has led in new t Ii " Ii '. intervention in fast-changing technologies has led to of market evolution and interference in new product '. if you haven't. OBJECTS of PREPOSITIONS (particularly by and of). they don't. where you should look for characters 3.want actions in verbs. one main . but even more they w'mt characters as their subjects. We give readers a problem reason we do not name characters in delete them entirely. 2. They may be POSSESSIVE PRONOUNS attached to ~OMINALIZATIO~S. this sentence fccls indirect and impersonal. : I In those first words. but the first principle of a clear style is this: Make the subjects of most of your verbs short. and concrete-the main characters DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION Finding and Relocating Characters To get characters into subjects. concrete words.I When a government INTERVENES in fast-changing DISTORTS DEVELOP how markets new products.adjectives. revise in issues that modem philoso- . Ask Who is doing what? governmental intervention ~ ~ distortion market evolution interference development government intervenes [government} distorts markets evolve [government] interferes [market]develops To revise. particularly actions buried in nominalizations. They can be in objects of prepositions. . look for actions they are involved in.lr in . it with their ability to Be aware that just as actions can be in adjectives (reliable -) rely). implied in an adjective. and why: . the other. when. because.I Medieval theologians often debated your style is to look at your subjects. Then make those characters the subjects of verbs naming those actions. using COKJUNCTlONS such as if. EVOLVE or INTERFERES technologies. you have to look for them.((. Skim the passage for actions involving those characters. If you do not see your main characters there expressed in a few short. market. issues considered When you find a character the same way: phers consider trivial. Once you find them. reassemble those new subjects and verbs into a sentence. is in the object of a preposition: of market evolution.56 Style: Lessons in Clarityand Grace character is in the ADJECTIVE governmental. so ean characters: Medieval theological debates often addressed trivial by modern philosophical thought. although. Here's the jJQint: The first step in diagnosing I . 3. in possessive pronouns. how. I 111 A decision was made in favor of doing a study of the disagreements. or to the reader and writer but not others. yOu slide into PASSIVE verbs (I'll discuss them in a moment): can To understand what makes patients vulnerable to psychiatric disorders... To most of us. Sometimes we omit characters to make a general statement.. In some cases. one/we/they should use research strategies that look for more than one variable rather than assume that a single gene is responsible for psychopathology or adopt a strategy in which one/we/they study only one biological variable. or to the writer and others but not the reader. That sentence could mean either of these. and more: We decided that I should study why they disagreed. Research strategies that look for more than one variable arc of more use in understanding factors in psychiatric disorder than strategies based on the assumption that the presence of psychopathology is dependent on a single gene or on strategies in which only one biological variable is studied. But when we try to revise that into something dearer. i )il 1111 The writer may know who is doing what. .Lesson 4 Characters 57 Reconstructing Absent Characters Readers have the biggest problem with sentences characters: devoid of all I. strategies that look [or more than one variable SHOULD BE USED rather than strategies in which it IS ASSUMED that a gene causes psychopathology or only one biological variable IS STUDIED. I decided that you should study why he disagreed. . But if you avoid both nominalizations and vague pronouns. then decide what to call them. . III . or name a generic "doer"? . .. but readers might not and so usually need help. Do we use one or we. but we may be ambiguous because it can refer just to the writer. or to everyone. II! I./ J can explain why I have found no evidence. one feels stiff. characters are so remote that you have to start over: There are good reasons that account [or the lack of evidence ./ Hone/we/researchers are to understand what causes psychiatric disorder. we have to invent characters.' . . readers may feel tbat your writing is dense and complex. especially when those terms are surrounded by '. few of us are familiar with prospective and immediate intention.I I .. saying you as often as you can: Taxable intangible property includes financial notes and municipal bonds.. it arose ./ No right is more basic to a free society than freedom of speech. change it to a character that is: Taxpayers have to pay tax on their intangible property. But you can tell stories whose main characters are abstractions. On this property. If you seems not appropriate. A one-time tax of 2% on its value applies to this property. including your financial notes and municipal bonds. Free speech served the left in the 1960s when it protested the Vietnam War. is used. I've discussed characters as if they had to be flesh-and-blood people. Here's a story about a character called freedom of speech. and arose. and it is now used by the light when it claims that speech includes contributions to political organizations. The phrase freedom of speech (or its equivalents [ree speech and it) is a virtual character because we are so familiar with it and because it is the subject of a series of sentences and is involved in actions such as served. so long as you make them the subjects of a series of sentences that tell a story.. Abstractions as Characters So lar. so most of us are likely to struggle witb a story about them. including nominalizations. two nominalizations . They pay . . you pay a one-time tax of 2%. has been embraced.58 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace QUICK TIP: When you are explaining a complicated issue to someone involved in it. . But when you do use abstractions as characters. A story about an abstraction as familiar as free speech is clear enough./' You have to pay tax on your intangible property. imagine sitting across the table [rom that person.. The doctrine of free speech has been embraced by all sides to protect themselves against those who would silence unpopular views. As a legal concept. you can create a problem. For example. including their financial notes and municipal bonds. but if you surround a less familiar abstract character with a lot of other abstractions. Intending and Acting We can make that passage clearer if we tell it from the point of view of flesh-and-blood characters (they are italicized. 'We use prospective intention to REPRESENT how we have ACTED in our past and present and how we will ACT in the future. tum them into virtual characters by II'aking them the subjects of verbs that tell a story. his current situation. on. because at the end of the day. In this case. and his course of future actions. The cognitive component of intention exhibits a high degree of complexity. avoid using lots other abstract nominalizations around them. Intention is temporally divisible into two: prospective intention and immediate intention. you may have a problem if the hidden characters are "people in whoever is dogeneral.::lJ!seqrchers. When you revise an abstract passage.Lesson 4 Characters 59 other abstractions italicized): (actions are boldfaced. It has a complex cognitive component of two temporal kinds: prospective and immediate. The cognitive function of prospective intention is the representation of a subjects similar past actions. But have I made this passage say something that the writer didn't mean? Some argue that any change in form changes meaning." I.i " I II ! Here's thepoint: Most readers want the subjects of verbs to name the main characters in a story and those main characters to be flesh-and-blood. The cognitive function of immediate intention is the monitoring and guidance of ongoing bodily movement. -Myles Brand. But the fact is. but only his readers could decide whether the two passages have different meanings. you must write about abstractions. "denominalized" verbs are boldfaced and capitalized): . But when they are not. a passage means only what a careful and competent reader thinks it does. we use the cognitive component of prospective intention to help us PLAN./ 1 ARGUE this about intention. the writer might offer an opinion. That is." You can try we or a general one" and so ing the action. unlike many other languages. But often. When you do. human characters are The argument is this. English has no naming a generic "doer. no problem. the cognitive component of prospective intention is a plan. If readers :It'e familiar with your abstractions. . . "such ~'). That is. We use immediate intention to MONITOR and GUIDE our bodies as we MOVE them. or any other word that seems appropriate. 5. you probably remember Write in the active voice. I. When you write in the active voice. 1. not in the passive. That's not bad advice.1 Active: 1 character/agent lost action the money goal The passive differs in three ways: 1. diagnose them.form of be precedes a vcrb in its PAS']"PAR']"ICIPLE form. With the decline in network television viewing in favor of cable and rental DVOs. awareness is growing at the networks of a need to revise programming. Decisions about forcibly administering medication in an emergency room setting despite the inability of an irrational patient to provide legal consent is usually an on-scene medical decision. 4.1 Before you revise these next sentences. but it has exceptions. . 2. To revise. Look at the first six or seven words (ignore short introductory phrases). Use we. 3. you typically put • the agent or source of an action in the subject • the goal or receiver of an action in a DIRECT OBJECT: subject vern object t :. 2. Tracing transitions in a well-written article provides help in efforts at improving coherence in writing. the appearance of new interpretations about the meaning of the discovery of America has led to a reassessment of Columbus's place in Western history. CHARACTERS AND PASSIVE VERBS More than any other advice. Resistance has been growing against building mental health facilities in residential areas because of a belief that the few examples of improper management are typical. Then revise so that each has a specific character as subject of a specific verb. In recent years. The subject names the goal of the action. A.60 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Exercise 4. you may have to invent characters. We can manage the problem if we control costs. I discuss grammatical passives. are ambiguous. For example.' " Grammatically. II iii' Choosing between Active and Passive Some critics of style tell us to avoid the passive everywhere because it adds a couple of words and often deletes the agent. we have to distinguish the literal meanings of active and passive from their figurative. We can a sentence passive if it feels flat. Must your readers know who is responsible for the action? Often. The agent or source of the action is in a by-phrase or dropped entirely: subject be + verb prepositional phrase Passive: The money goal was lost action [by me]. both sentences are in the active voice./ Valuable records should always BE KEPT in a safe. To choose between active and passive. . regardless of whether its verb is actually in the passive voice. however. impressionistic meanings. But in fact. For example. verbs. I' . ! ./ The president WAS RUMORED to have considered resigning . Problem management requires cost contra]. an abstraction. the passive is often the better choice. !i II 'I·. compare these two sentences. for three reasons: and control-are • Neither of its actions-management both are abstract nominalizations. we naturally choose the passive in these sentences: I I . • The subject is problem management. In what follows. • The sentence lacks flesh-and-blood characters entirely. but the second feels passive. To understand why we respond to those two sentences as we do. the "doer" of the action. .Lesson 4 Characters 61 3. you have to answer three questions: I' t 1./' Those who ARE FOUND guilty can BE FINED. because we don't know or readers won't care. ~ . ! I. we don't say who does an action. because they can refer not only to those two grammatical constructions but to how a sentence makes you {eel. character/agent The terms active and passive. For example. tence more easily if it were passive. the subject of the second sentence gives us new and complex information (boldfaced). Would the active or passive give readers a more consistent and appropriate point of. will determine our decision.. before we read more familiar information that we recall from the previous sentence (italicized). 3. put the short. familiar information new and complex information last. So those passives are the right choice. .62 Style: J. the flaw was uncorrected. 2. Because the test was not done. the verb voice.view? The writer of this next passage reports the end of World War IT in Europe from the point of ./ We must decide whether to improve education in the sciences alone or raise the level of education across the whole curriculum. determine is in the active But we could read the senbecause the passive would (our decision) first and the the order we all prefer. familiar information In the second sentence. writers use the passive when they don't want readers to know who did an action. For example. of course.eSS0I1S in Clarity and Grace If we do not know who spread rumors. Our decision familiar information \\-lLL BE DETERMI~ED passive verb by the as opposed to the weight we give to industrial competiveness value we attach to the liberal arts. we cannot say. in this next short passage. new information I discuss where to put old and new information in a sentence in the next lesson. Sometimes. especially when the doer is the writer. I will discuss the issue of intended impersonality in Lesson 12. Would the active or passive verb help your readers move more smoothly from one sentence to the next? We depend on the beginning of a sentence to give us a context of what we know before we follow the sentence to read what's new. We must decide whether to improve education in the sciences alone or to raise the level of education across the whole curriculum. A sentence confuses us when it opens with information that is new and unexpected. The weight given to industrial competitiveness as opposed to the value we attach to the liberal arts new information WILL DETER~INE active verb our decision. and no one doubts who finds people guilty or fines them or who should keep records safe. IG BOMBED passive around the clock.can. But they HAD not yet W DEVASTATED active Germany as to destroy its ability to resist. French. passive and it WAS BEI:-. however. she would have used passive verbs to make Germany the subject/character: . want to focus on an- Fl./ By early 1945. . • You don't know who did an don't care. To do so.'. and they were bombing it around the clock. passive all that remained was a bloody climax. that it could not RESIST.1 Ii i! Pick a point of view and stick to it.. especially when it also lets you move to its beginning a chunk of information that is shorter. she uses active verbs to make the Allies a consistent sequence of subjects: ./ By early 1945.Lesson 4 Characters 63 view of the Allies.-. British. the point: Many writers use verb too it in . . its borders HAD BEEN BREACHED. It HAD not BEEN so DEVASTATED. Gennany was not so devastated. the Allies had essentially defeated Germany. or you don't want them to know. but it has important uses. Germany HAD essentially BEEN DEFEATED.<p contexts: ten.. • You want to shift a long and complex bundle of information to the end of its sentence. and therefore to understand. passive however. the Allies still attacked German cities from the air. Some writers switch from one character to another for no apparent reason. Though Germany's population was demoralized.. Ameri. Avoid this: By early 1945.·h. all that remained was a bloody climax. the Allies HAD essentially DEFEATED active Germany. that the Allies would meet with no resistance. and Russian [orces HAD BREACHED active its borders and WERE BOMBING active it around the clock.. more familiar. But had she wanted to explain history from the point of view of Germany. Its borders had been breached. Half of each group was randomly assigned to a treatment group or to a placebo group. becausetheir colors are set against a background of shadesof gray that are laid on in layersthat cannot be seen unlessthe surface isexamined closely. change all active verbs into passives. These next passages come from articles in respected joumals: . Science education will not be improved in this nation to a level sufficient to ensure that American industry will be supplied with skilled workers and researchers until more money is pro- I J I' vided to primary and secondary schools. because they need to create an objective point of view. academic and scientific writers use the active voice and the first-person I and we regularly.) 1. The "Objective" Passive vs.2 In the following. it is argued that the Vietnam War was fought to extend influence in Southeast Asia and was not ended until it was made clear that the United States could not defeat North Vietnam unlessatomic weapons were used. but the line. and all passivesinto actives. and essay scores. 5. Independence is gained by those on welfare when skills are learned that the marketplace values. 2. a description is given of the surroundings and spectators. Different planes of the painting are noticed. Contrary to that claim.or low-ability group.64 Stvle: LeSSOIlS lit Ckuirv and Grace Exercise 4. In this article. In the first paragraph. their essays were analyzed for structure and evaluated for richness of concepts. In paragraph 2. 4. Which sentences improve? Which do not? (In the first two. verbs already passive are boldfaced. two sentinels are described in detail. active verbs that could be passive are italicized. but no feeling is betrayed because the language used is neutral and unemotional. prior knowledge. This entire section is presented as de- t void of emotion even though it is filled with details. 3. I/We Some scholarly writers claim that they should not use a firstperson subject. "It did not appear to be the duty of these two men to know what was occurring at the center of the bridge" takes emotion away from them. The subjects were then divided into a high. The first part of Bierce's" An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" is presented in a dispassionate way. something like this: Based on the writers' verbal intelligence. . How can we best handle in a transformational grammar certain restrictions that . inquire. we have investigated the potential role .. and Frederick Mosteller. ./ This paper is concerned with two problems. " Efron and Morris describe . . Metadiscourse is the language you use when you refer not to the substance of your ideas. . second. . show. contrast. Gilbert. look at the next example . however. however. your reader. we shall show . but to the writer's own writing and thinking: cite. I Passives. o your readers' actions: consider now.. . investigate. but to yourself. we have studied the effects of interleukin-l ... as you recall. .. II . Each has been weighted .. . To illustrate.. . They are subject . they use it in certain ways.. ' Here are the first few words from several consecutive lences from Science.. Look at the verbs in the passages above.. consequently . We might find .. claim. They are examples of what is called METADISCOURSE. examine. . We use . observe. We compare .. or your writing: o your thinking and act of writing: Well will explain.I t I II I I " . show. Characters. summarize . Those verbs are usually in the passive voice: The subjects were observed . deny. a journal of great prestige: sen- .. . . add." Science It is nol true that academic writers always avoid the first person Iorwe... . . expand.. Specifically... therefore. and Metadiscoursc When academic writers do use the first person. to begin... o the logic and form of what you have written: first. argue./ Since the pituitary-adrenal axis is activated during the acute phase response.. . suggest.Lesson 4 Characters 65 ./ We examine . Bucknam McPeek. -c-John P. 0' We observed .. . "Statistics and Ethics in Surgery and Anesthesia. . we may cite . We merely take . . . use.. . " We have used .. There are two kinds: • One kind refers to research activities: study.. . These verbs are often active and in the first person: We will show .. • The other kind of verb refers not to the subject matter or the research. ji produced thereby. "I I have shown " . . In that example. preparations \"lERE ADDED. if monokincs elicited a response.. to name an action that anyone can perform. can create a problem: its writer dangled a modifier.. and again at the end. You dangle a modifier when an introductory phrase has an implied subject that differs from the explicit subject in the following or preceding CLAUSE. to try therewith the celebrated phenomena of colors. preparations """ A passive sentence like that. the modifier dangles. In his "New Theory of Light and Colors" (1672). [So that I could] determine if monokines elicited a response.. Sir Isaac Newton wrote this charming first-person account of an experiment: I procured a triangular glass prism. I will show . were added. I placed my prism at the entrance. scholarly writers usc the first person less often to describe specific actions they performed as part of their research. I. I ADDED preparations of . I . .. that it has become standard usage in their community. We rarely find passages like this: To determine if monokines elicited an adrenal steroidogenic response. however. I '\ thal the light might he thereby refracted to the opposite wall. . . not just the writer: To determine WERE ADDED. when they summarize: I have argued . But that implied subject. though. . It was at first a very pleasing diversion to view the vivid and intense colors j.. When the two differ.66 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Metadiscourse appears most often in introductions. We begin by . On the other hand. And for that purpose. to let in a convenient quantity of the sun's light.. and made a small hole in my window shade. the implied subject of the INFINITIVE VERB determine is I or we: I determine or we determine. having darkened my laboratory. We might note that this impersonal "scientific" style is a modcrn development. differs from the explicit subject of the clause it introduces-preparations were added. where writers announce their intentions: I claim that . The writer of the original sentence used a passive verb. .. Writers of scientific prose use this paltern so often. . . . . but two could be active because they are metadiscourse verbs that would take first-person subjects.3 '·1 1 The verbs in 1 through 4 below are passive. 4. In fact. thinking. In Section IV. It is believed that a lack of understanding about the risks of alcohol is a cause of student bingeing. are still f1eshand-blood people doing.. but some of them should be passive because they are not metadiscourse verbs. Here's the point: Some writers and editors first person by using the passive everywhere. The creation of a database is being considered. . Revise the passive verbs that should be changed into active verbs. the first-person I and we are common in scholarly prose when used with verbs that name actions unique to the writer. 2. Then go through each sentence again and revise nominalizations into verbs where appropriate. but because inexperienced writers begin too many sentences with J think . but deleting an I or we doesn't make a researcher's thinking more objective. The verbs in 5 through 8 are active. . Exercise 4. . . J believe . Successin exporting more crude oil for hard currency is suqgested here as the cause of the improvement of the Russian economy. 5. follow their advice. and Writing. Revise in other lays that seem appropriate. Others forbid I because they want to discourage students from writing a narrative account of their thinking: First J read . The model has been subjected to extensive statistical analysis. 1.I argue that the indigenous peoples engaged in overcultivation of the land leading to its exhaustion as a foodproducing area. On those two occasions. " and so on. 3. . but no estimate has been made in regard to the potential of its usefulness. We know that behind those impersonal sentences. Then J considered .Lesson 4 Characters 67 QUICK TIP: Some teachers prohibit the use of J everywhere in the writing of their students not because it is wrong. 3. The author's impassioned narrative style is abandoned and a cautious treatment of theories of conspiracy is presented. In particular. 8. Our intention in this book isto help readers achieve an understanding not only of the differences in grammar between Arabic and English but also the differences in worldview as reflected by Arabic vocabulary. It is my belief that the socialsignificance of smoking receives its clearest explication through an analysis of peer interaction among adolescents.4 In these sentences.) 1. In these sentences. I i i . 6. 4. change passivesto actives where appropriate and change nominalizations into verbs. Many arguments were advanced against Darwinian evolution in the nineteenth century because basicassumptions about our place in the world were challenged by it. Results will be announced when it is thought appropriate. To make an evaluation of changesin the flow rate. For many years.invent a rhetorical situation to account for your choice of active or passive. Only recently have looser restrictions been imposed on the circumstancesthat warrant it. Home mortgage loans now are made for thirty years. S. 7. Exercise 4. 'f . 2. federal regulations concerning wiretapping have been enforced. No longer were humans defined as privileged creatures but rather as a product of natural forces. J made a comparison of the current rate with the original rate on the basisof figures I had compiled with figures that Jordan had collected. studies should be made of the manner in which interactive behavior is conditioned by social class. But when the narrative line is picked up again. change passive verbs into actives only where you think it will improve the sentence. With the price of housing at inflated levels. Invent characters where necessary. he invests his prose with the same vigor and force. If necessary.(Different answers are correct for this one. We performed the tissue rejection study on the basisof methods developed with our discovery of increasesin dermal sloughing as a result of cellular regeneration. those loans cannot be paid off in a shorter time.68 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 6. Your figures were analyzed to determine their accuracy. an issuewe'll cover in Lesson12. Of the ten to twelve incidents that have been reported since early October. you. NOUN + NOUN + NOUN One more stylistic choice does not directly involve characters and actions. and study without fear of being taunted or harassed because of their race. and in neither casewas anyone injured. most have involved graffiti or spoken insults.1 1:\ will not be permitted and that U of X's commitment to diversity is unequivocal. J have made it clear that bigotry and intolerance I h "I '1.I Lesson 4 Characters 69 7. the U of X campus has been the scene of a number of incidents of racial and sexual harassment over the last several weeks. The ability of the human brain to arrive at solutions to human problems has been undervalued because studies have not been done that would be considered to have scientific reliability. work. We are also taking steps to improve security in campus housing. religion. but we discuss it here because it can distort the match I I !I . gender. As you probably have heard. Except for the second word. . We at U of X are proud of this university's tradition of diversity . U of X is committed to providing its students with an environment where they can live. In only two cases was any physicalcontact made. The fact that similar incidents have occurred on campusesaround the country does not make them any less offensive when they take place here. why is the first part so impersonal? Why is the last part more personal? Change the first part so that you name in subjectswhoever performs an action. How do the two parts now differ? Have you improved the letter? This exercise raises the question of deliberate misdirection. These directives are written in a style of maximum simplicity as a result of an attempt at more effective communication with employees with limited reading skills.5 if /1 The excerpt below is from an actual letter from the chancellor of a state university to parents of students. Then change the second part to eliminate all characters. 8. . or ethnicity. 'I Exercise 4. especially ones you invent. unpack compound nouns and revise nominalizations. When you find a compound noun of your own invention. it looks like this: Physicians misdiagnose! disordered! thought? in young! children. we may now attempt to formulate narrative information extraction rules.70 Style:Lessons ill Clarityand Grace that readers expect between the form of an idea and the grammar of its expression. 4. 5. so avoid them. In these. revise. Diabetic patient blood pressure reduction may be brought about by renal depressor application. It is the long COMPOUND NOUK phrase: Earl)' childhood thought disorder misdiagnosis often results from unfamiliarity with recent research literature describing such condinons. but that would rule out common phrases such as stone wall. The goal of this article is to describe text comprehension processes and recall protocol production.because they are unfamiliar with recent litera lure on the subject.6 Revisethe compound noun phrases in 1 through 4. 1. . Exercise 4. and many other useful terms. especially when it includes norninaiizations. space shuttle. The plant safety standards committee discussed recent air quality regulation announcements. This paper is a review of seven recent studies in which arc findings of particular relevance to pre-adolescent hyperactivity diagnosis and to treanncut modalities involving medication maintenance level evaluafirm procedures. 3. student center. Some grammarians claim we should never modify one noun with another. On the basis of these principles. 2. But strings of nouns feel lumpy. Reverse the order of words and find prepositions (0 connect them: 2 3 4 disorder 5 misdiagnosis early misdiagnose 5 childhood disordered 4 thought thought 3 in early childhood 2 Re-assembled. This paper is an investigation into information processing behavior involved in computer human cognition simulation. Too often. is employed. Here is an excerpt from Talcott Parsons. aspiring professionals think they join the club only when they write in the club's most complex technical language. Adequacy in dcscnpnon is secured insofar as determinate and verifiable answers can be given to all the scientifically important questions involved." Scientists describe something "adequately" only when they can verify answers to . a social scientist who was as inl1uenlial in shaping his field as he was notorious for the opacity of his prose.Lesson 4 Characters 71 6. but to speak and write like one. which constitutes an "adequate:' a "determinate" description. It is an exclusionary style that erodes the trust a civil society depends on. as well. there was the identification of concepts and issuesthat can be used in our creation of an initial staff questionnaire instrument. especially in a world where information and expertise are now the means to power and control. implicitly or explicitly. Apart from theoretical conceptualization there would appear to be no method of selecting among the indefinite number of varying kinds or factual observation which can be made about a concrete phenomenon or field so that the various descriptive statements about it articulate into a coherent whole. The Social Security program is a monthly income floor guarantee based on a lifelong contribution schedule. What questions are important is largely determined by the logical structure of the generalized conceptual scheme which. 8. A LAST POINT: THE PROFESSIONAL VOICE Every group expects its members to show that they accept its values by adopting its distinctive voice. Enforcement of guidelines for new automobile tire durability must be a Federal Trade Commission responsibility. We can make that clearer to moderately well-educated readers: When scientists lack a theory. they have no way to select [rom everything they could say about a subject only that which they can fit into a "herent whole that would be "adequate" or "determinate. It is true that some research can never be made dear La merely intelligent lay readers-out less often than many researchers think. though. Ij . The apprentice banker must learn not only to think and look like one. Based on training needs assessment reviews and on office site visits. 7. Neither should anything be made more complex than necessary. if you can. As a writer. to revise it. and they decide what questions are important based on their implicit or explicit theories. You need a theory to decide even what questions to ask and to verify their answers. Readers judge prose to be clear when subjects of sentences name characters and verbs name actions. you must understand complex: three things about a style that seems It may be complex to express complex ideas precisely. • It may needlessly complicate simple ideas. I Einstein said that everytbing should made as simple as possible. When you do. hut no simpler. And we could make even it more concise: Whatever you describe. you need a theory to fit its parts into a whole. • It may needlessly complicate complex ideas. Most readers would accept the tradeoff. your must recognize when you have committed that gratuitous complexity and. you follow the Writer's Golden Rule: Write to you would others write to you. but his excruciating density numbs all but his most masochistically dedicated readers. Fixed Variable Subject Character I Verb Action I . My versions lose the nuances of Parsons's style.72 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace questions they think are important. HereJs the point: Whether you are a reader or a writer. SUMMING UP l. Lesson 4 Characters 73 2. rewrite long compound noun phrases: We discussed the board I candidate' review' meeting" schedule' . The German borders had BEES BREACHED. If you tell a story in which you make abstract nominalizations its main characters and subjects. I. and the . had BEEN so DEVASTATED that it could not RESIST. Ii. ./ This decision WAS SUPPORTED BY research demonstrating ness of our reasoning and the need for action. 7. II . 3. the sound- 5. 4. often resulting in displacement of characters from subjects by nouns. Use an active verb if it is a metadiscourse The terms of the analysis must BE DEFINED. Use a passive if it gives your readers a coherent sequence of subjects: . though. the Axis nations had BEEN essentially DEFEATED. and both Germany and Japan were being bombed around the clock. Use a passive if it lets you replace a long subject with a short one: Research demonstrating the soundness of our reasoning need for action SUPPORTED this decision.I The president WAS RBELECTED with 54 percent of the vote. Use a passive if the agent of an action is self-evident: The voters REELECTED the president with 54 percent of the vote . When possible. it often DISPLACES characters from subjects.I We discussed the schedules of meetings" to review! candidates! for the board'. verb: tI We must DEFINE the terms of the analysis. all that remained was a bloody climax. use as few other nominalizations as you can: A nominalization is a replacement of a verb by a noun.I When a norninaiization REPLACES a verb with a noun. . 6. Neither country. .I By early 1945. [rom each other in a rapid succession oisentences.Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence If he would inform. to allow their Readers too much knowledge: They begin with that which should be the Middle. -THOMAS DE QCINCEY 74 . and the lower he begins the better. and such al1 one has no Occasion to read it. or the art by which one step in an evolution ofthought is made to arise out o{ another: all fluent and effective composition depends on the connections. for the most powerful ef{ects in written eloquence arise out ol this reverberation. It is a common Fault in Writers. aHd skipping backwards and forwards. he must advance regularlyfrom Things known to things unknown. the way in which sentences are made to modiiy each other. secondly. as it were. to understand their Work. 'tis impossible for anyone but he who is perfect in the Subject before. -BENJAMIN FRANKLIN The two capital secrets in the art ofprose composition are these: first. distinctly without Confusion. the philosophy ol transition and connection. / lb. I . In the last several years. Tbese two passages. Such a divide will erode equal opportunity and the egalitarian basis of our democratic society. the words choppy and disorganized refer not to anything on the page. for example. II . in addition to wealth. but by knowledge and intellectual skills. but to how the words orr the page make us feel. When that happens.II . evcn disorganized. During that period. we will be divided as a people not only by wealth. If this trend continues. Increases in family income have been significantly outpaced by increases in tuition at our colleges and universities during that period. then say more about coherence in Lesson 11. tuition has significantly outpaced increases in family income. " " I The first seems choppy. . say much the same thing but feel very different: 1a. hat is it about the arrangement of words in W (La) that makes us feel we are moving through it in fits and starts? Why does (l b) seem to flow more easily? We base those judgments on two aspects of word order: • We judge sequences of serrtences to be cohesive depending on how each sentence ends and the next begins. will divide us as a people. I I . Knowledge and intellectual skills. But readers need more than individually clear sentences before they think a whole passage Seems coherent. The basis of our American democracy-equal opportunity for all-is being threatened by college costs that have been rising fast for the last several years. a college education will soon be affordable only by the children of the wealthiest familles in our society. Equal opportunity and the egalitarian basis of our democratic society could be eroded by such a divide . the second seems to "hang together" better. But like the word clarity. • We judge a whole passage to be coherent depending orr how all the serrtences in a passage cumulatively begin. when that happens. Only the children of the wealthiest families in our society will be able to afford a college education if this trend continues. I'll discuss cohesion and orre kind of coherence irr this lesson.Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence 75 UNDERSTANDING COHERENCE So far. college costs have been rising so fast that they are now threatening the basis of our American democracy--cqual opportunity for all. i I I . I've discussed clarity as if we could achieve it just by mapping CHARACTERS and ACTIONS onto SUBJECTS and VERBS. Here's the active sentence there: l a. we would choose the ACTIVE verb in sentence (Za) below over the passive in (Zb): 2a. but for (2b). 3S 0 much matter compressed into so little volume changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways. 3S 0 little volume changes the fabric ways. Avoid PASSIVES. 'Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. latb[ ]. lbA black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. . we devoted a few pages (62-63) to that familiar advice. 2b. The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble CREATES active a black hole. 'Some astonishing questions have been raised by scientists "The collapse of a dead star into marble creates a black hole. the sentence with the active verb. about the nature of the universe studying black holes in space. a point perhaps no larger than a much matter compressed into so of space around it in puzzling And here's the passive: 1b. A black hole IS CREATED passive by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble.little volume changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways. The reason is clear: the last four words of the first sentence introduce an important character-black holes in space: 'Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. the one with the passive. If we always did.76 Style: LeSS01JS in Clarity and Grace COHESION: A SENSE OF FLOW In Lesson 4. Our sense of "flow" calls not for (2a). But we might choose otherwise when we put those sentences between these two: 'Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. 3S 0 much matter compressed into so. . I . the first concepts we hit are collapsed stars and marbles. But if we follow sentence (1) with (2b). 2bA black hole is created by the collapse of Note too that the passive also lets us put at the end of sentence (2b) words that connect it to the beginning of sentence (3): .. studying black holes in space. that's the biggest reason the language: to let us arrange sentences so they from one to the next easily.~. Here's the point: Sentences are' cohes"ive words of one set up information words of the next. black holes in space. 350 much matter compressed into so little volume changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways. 2aThe collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates ..10d Coherence 77 If we follow it with sentence (2a). And in fact. the sentence with the passive verb. That's what gives flow.. and verbs I II Fixed ~... information that seems to come out of nowhere: 1••• universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space... because now the first words in (2b) repeat what we just read at the end of (1): I .h'~t Ii I Fixed I Action . 2bA black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. . We can integrate that insight our principles about subject and characters.Lesson 5 Cohesion . we connect those sentences more smoothly. and what's familiar and simple is easier to understand than what's new and complex. The first is this: 1. Begin sentences with infonnation familiar to your readers. " changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways. you have to try.. But hard as it is to distinguish old from new in your own writing. 2bAblack hole] is created by the collapse of a dead star into [a point perhaps no larger than a marble.. and only then move on to Information that is new. readers bring to a sentence a general knowledge of its subject. 2. We would not have been surprised. End sentences with Information that readers cannot anticipate. because readers want to begin sentences with information that is familiar to them.. 4Astronomers have reported that . for example. They are mirror images of each other. Readers always prefer to read what's easy before what's hard. because after you've worked on your own for a while. they remember words from the sentence they just read. if a sentence (4) in that paragraph about black holes had begun like this: . Readers get that familiar information from two sources: first. The word Astronomers did not appear in the preceding sen-" tcnce. questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying [black holes in space.! The second principle is the flip side of the first. but since we are reading about space and black holes. j .78 Style: [. So much matter compressed into so little volume] changes the fabric of space . That's why the beginning of sentence (Zb) about black holes coheres with the end of (I) and why the beginning of (3) coheres with the end of (2b): . it all seems familiar-to you. we wouldn't be surprised by a reference to them.RSSOI1S ill Clarity and Grace Diagnosis and Revision That principle of reading suggests two principles of writing. Second. You can more easily see when others fail to observe those principles in their writing than you can in your own.. readers take them as fa nformation. In 1./' Another issue that we must consider is how to calculate credits for classes taken in a community college. . But in that tradeoff. try to put them at or close to the beginning of the sentence that you use them in: How to calculate credits for classes taken in a community colleges is another issue that we must consider.. Revise the sentences so that old information appears first. give priority to helping readers create a sense of cohesive flow. to balance principles that make individual sentences dear and principles that make a passage cohesive. such. and the increase in the GNP testifies to his success in the first. But our increased involvement in international conflict without any clear set of political goals indicates less success with the second. Fortunately. .er. 1. second. I boldface the words that seem to me to be old information. . Exercise 5.. these. H. those. you also front farnUiarinformation. or more (in comparison to something in the prior sentence).1 I' '! ' ·1' Revise these two passages to improve their old-new flow. The drop in unemployment figures and inflation. Iii.'s the point: I! QUICK TIP: Writers often refer to something in a previous sentence with words such as this. Once y ntion your main characters. another. That means starting sentences with informat readers are familiar with. Two aims-the recovery of the American economy and the modernization of America into a military power-were in the president's mind when he assumed his office.Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence 79 In every sequence of sentences you write.. increasesin the military budget and a good deal of saber rattling pleased the American voter. that. So when rel5u'larlv get characters up . Nevertheless. When you usc any of those signals. this principle ld and new information cooperates with the principle cters as subjects. COHERENCE: A SENSE OF THE WHOLE When you create cohesive Ilow. with the other five sequentially . But they will judge you to be a competent writer only when they feel that your writing is not just cohesive but coherent. covered with furrows I would draw with my fork. particularly growth in Asian markets.80 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 2. Wisconsin. It's easy to confuse the words cohesion and coherence because they sound alike . is the snowmobile capital of the world. end-use. The huzzing of snowmobile engines fills the air. The components of Abco's profitability. This behavior has been the subject of long chats between me and my analyst. distribution channels. that passage as a whole is incoherent. Her mashed potatoes usually make me sick-s-that's why I play with them. A range of innovative strategies wiH be needed to support the introduction of new products. Revenue returns along several dimensions-product type. I like to make a hole in the middle of the potatoes and fill it with melted butter. This next passage has good cohesive flow because we move from the end of each sentence to the next without a hitch: Sayner. will be highlighted in our report to demon- strate its advantages versus competitors. a quality different from cohesion. (It was created by six different writers. you take the first step toward helping readers think your prose hangs together. • Think of cohesion as pairs of sentences fitting together the way two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle do (recall the black hole sentences) . etc. and their tank-like tracks crisscross the snow. according to our projections. The snow reminds me of Mom's mashed pctatoes. • Think of coherence as seeing what all the sentences in a piece of writing add up to. onc of whom wrote the first sentence. Likely growth prospects of Abco's newest product lines will depend most on its ability in regard to the development of distribution channels in China. Though wc move from scntence to sentence easily. the way all the pieces in a puzzle add up to the picture on the box.-will provide a basis for this analysis. English teachers have defined subject in two ways: 1.) It is incoherent for three reasons: 1. I will discuss that second point in the next lesson and the third one in Lesson 11. It is flawed because often. the "doer" of the action 2. Grammar. but the topic of the sentence is your claim. 1 believe more research is needed. preceding 3. I' I :1 I. the object of to: Tnregard to this question. The rest of this lesson focuses on the first point. and Coherence For five hundred years. The sentences share no common "themes" or ideas. Topics. but its topic is this question. the OBJECT of the PREPOSITION for: II is impossible for your claim to be proved. That "topicalixing" function can be performed by other parts of a sentence. I . But also flawed is that second definition: A subject is what a sentence is about. but its topic is our proposal. The subjects of the sentences are entirely unrelated. 2. knowing only the immediately one. wc saw why that first definition doesn't work: the subjects of many sentences are actions: The explosion was loud. Subjects. the subject of a sentence doesn't state its main topic. I :1.Lc550n 5 Cohesion and Coherence 81 adding one sentence. shared subjects. • The main subject of this sentence {italicized) is it. • The subject of this sentence is it. 'I • The subject of this sentence is I. For example. what a sentence is "about." its main topic In Lessons 3 and 4. the idea that the rest of the sentence "comments" on. . the subject of a verb in a SUBORDINATE CLAUSE: It is likely that our proposal will be accepted. The paragraph has no one sentence that states what the whole passage supports or explains. none of the main subjects in these sentences names their topics. but that topic is not always its grammatical subject.. A sense of coherence arises when a sequence of lopics comprises a narrow set of related ideas. you can't predict how readers will judge your writing just by reading it. because you know it too well. We use the term topic to mean what a about. But the context of each sentence is lost by seemingly random shifts of topics.·'. H. But the context of each sentence is lost by seemingly random shifts of topics. 1. Diagnose a. They judge writing to be clear and direct when they quickly see topics and subject/characters in the same words. help readers understand what a passage is generally about. You must analyze it in a more objective way. even disorganized: Consistent ideas toward the beginnings of sentences help readers understand what a passage is generally about. a DIRECT OBJECT shifted to the front for emphasis: Such results no one could have predicted. Consistent ideas toward the be~innings of sentences especially in their subjects. b.... This passage feels choppy. underline the first five or six words of every clause in those sentences. You can diagnose and revise your own writing in the same way. out of focus. Unfocused even disorg'anized paragraphs result when I . Unfocused paragraphs result when that happens. Underline the first seven or eight words of every sentence in a passage. A sense of coherence arises when a sequence of topics comprises a narrow set of related ideas.. point: the Diagnosing and Revising Topics As with other issues of clarity.82 St:de: Lessons in Clarity and Grace • The subject of this sentence is 1'10 one. Here's how to diagnose its problems and revise it. both subordinate and MAIN. If you can. that happens. but its topic is such results. But readers expect it to be. . Analyze a. try to put those characters into the subjects of most of your sentences. But when topics seem to shift randomly. the answer is no. b. It's called throat-clearing. Ii II 'II QUICK TIP: When you start to draft each new section of your paper. Put those subjects close to the beginning of the sentences.Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence 83 2. they feel they are reading paragraphs that arc unfocused and even disorganized. Do the underlined words constitute a relatively small set of related ideas? Even if you see how they are related. 3. b. you may have gotten off track. They feel a passage is coherent when they read a sequence of topics that focuses on a narrow set of related ideas. Do those words name the most important characters. readers lose the context of each sentence. real or abstract? Again. the answer is no. In most (not necessarily all) of your sentences. the real doers. especially in their subjects. use subjects to name their topics. They should include the flesh-and-blood characters. will your readers? For that passage. Here is that passage revised. Rewrite :1 II a. but too often we begin sentences in ways that keep readers from getting there. jot down the names of the characters you intend to write about. Whcn that happens. If you write several sentences without mentioning those characters. but they should also include important concepts that you will discuss. As you draft. with the new topics boldfaced: Readers understand what a passage is generally about when they see consistent ideas toward the beginnings of sentences. Readers want to get to topic/subjects quickly. Throat-clearing typically begins with METADISCOURSE that connects II . THE DIFFICULT CRAFT OF BEGINNING A SENTENCE WELL It is hard to begin a sentence well. . revise: . it is important to note that. your readers have a hard time seeing not just what each sentence is about. it is important to note." INTEGRATING THE PRINCIPLES We can bring together these principles about old and new and strings of consistent topics with the principles about characters . perhaps. Your topics should tell your readers what a passage is globally "about. choose your topics carefully. acid rain has become a political problem in the Eastern states. therefore. ! Here's the point: When you begin sentences. t980 . it is important to note . in Eastern states since 1980. concrete. or manner: And therefore. acid rain has become a serious problem. . Most important. . in Eastern states since Only then do we get to the topic/subject: And. When you find a sentence with lots of words before its subject/topic. with transitions therefore: And therefore such as and. for the most part. or politically speaking: And therefore. They should also be short. they should be the main characters in the story you are telling.I Since 1980.84 Stv!e: Lessons in Clarity and Grace a sentence to the previous one.. keep them consistent do not vary the subjects of your sentences for the sake of variety. allegedly. but their cumulative focus that makes a whole passage coherent. words such as fortunately. . and more often than not. familiar information. place. therefore. Make most of them subjects of your sentences. When you open several sentences like that. but. We then add a second kind of metadiscourse that expresses our attitude toward what is coming. the sources of the actions in your verbs. Then we indicate time. it is important to note that. for generation after generation. and richnessof pollen in flowers constitutes the only information that can be communicated by bees. then their actions. but also at the edge of perpetual snow in high mountains.in all significant respects. source. 3. A limited repertoire of messages delivered in the same way. 2. and the earth will have vegetation long after evolutionary history swallows us up. the earth was covered with vegetation. The cracks of busy city sidewalks have plants in them as well as in seemingly barren cliffs. The importance of language skills in children's problem-solving ability was stressed by Jones (1985) in his paper on children's 'I' 'I . The power to create and communicate a new messageto fit a new experience is not a competence animals have in their natural states. is characteristic of animals of the same species. Vegetation covers the earth. for example.2 Revise these passagesto give them consistent topic strings. words that couid be consistent subject/topics are boldfaced. In (1). direction. Their genetic code limits the number and kind of messagesthat they can communicate. Information about distance. 1. First determine the characters.Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence 85 as subjects and actions as verbs (I'll fill in the empty boxes in Lesson 6): Fixed Variable Fixed Variable Topic Familiar I Verb Action Subject Character Exercise 5. Richlyfertilized plains and river valleysare placeswhere plants grow most richly. except for those areas continuously covered with ice or utterly scorched by continual heat. The ocean and its edges as well as in and around lakes and swamps are densely vegetated. and let the sentence take you where it wants to go. Then start each sentence with a character. Before humans existed. On the other hand. you might revise if you find you have used exactly the same words for the same topics in exactly the same positions. In this light. Faked Cohesion junctions Some writers try to fake coherence by lacing their prose with conlike thus. You may think a passage is monotonous if you see the same topic in several of its sentences in your own prose. you may be conflicted by that common advice Vary how you begin your sentences. regardless of whether they signal real logical connections. The use of previously acquired language habits for problem articulation and activation of knowledge previously learned through language are thought to be the causeof better performance. though: most writers change topics too often. Two QUALIFICATIONS Alleged Monotony At this point. systematic practice in the verbal formulation of nonlinguistlc problems prior to attempts at their solution might be an avenue for exploration in the enhancement of problem solving in general. how it portrays him influences his popularity. " I' . An example: Because the press is the major medium of interaction between the president and the people. and so on. Therefore. That's a bad idea. But your readers are less Hke\y to notice. Be cautious. Moral climate results from norms of behavior that are accepted by society whereby if people conform they are socially approved of. Improvement in nonverbal problem solving was reported to have occurred as a result of improvements in language skills. hecause they will be focusing on your ideas. however. A moral climate encourages individuals to conform to a moral standard and apply that standard to their own circumstances. especially when you change subjects just to make them different. moral climate acts as a reason to refrain from saying or doing things that the community does not support.86 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace thinking. or if they don't they are shunned. This passage goes over the top in that kind of consistency: "Moral climate" is created when an objectivizcd moral standard for treating people is accepted by others. therefore. According to some. people act differently in public than they do in private. You need a but or however when you contradict or qualify what you just said. his environment. also. In the first passage. and you can use a therefore or consequently to wind up a line of reasoning. Truman. public opinion could be manipulated through biased reporting. upbringing. then make them the subjects of verbs expressing important actions. but history has shown that as much coverage is given to people who encourage conflict as to people who try to remove conflict. !' . local conflicts into a single larger conflict as a result of showing that conflicts about the same issues are occurring in different places. Inoreover. Hence. and so on. from the correspondence with his family. subject to error and favoritism. to understand a person. it is important to know the whole person. of course. They are especially careful not to overuse words like and. education can suppress faction when the true nature of conflicts reaches the public through the media.3 Revise these passages to give them more consistent topic strings. divisiveness and factionalism can be accentuated by connecting otherwise isolated. I boldface topics so that you can see how inconsistent they are. Also. Your readers don't need them when your sentences are cohesive and the passage they constitute is coherent. Exercise 5. words that say simply Here:') one more thing. it should report on the president objectively. Experienced writers use these connecting devices. I ! . our thirty-third president. Both reporters and the president are human. another. but the threat of faction and division may be reinforced when national coverage publicizes uninformed opinions. however. and education. And while a wide knowledge of public affairs is a great advantage that results from national coverage. though there are many significant advantages. but they depend more on the logical flow of their ideas. But avoid using words like these more than a few times a page.Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence 87 Therefore. If a powerful minority should happen to control it. Some potential threats exist in the modern mass communications media. 1. we can learn much about Han)' S. It will always be true. that human nature produces differences of opinion. Indeed. decide who the main characters should be.I I . First. But conspirators strangled him (one of whom was probably his son. so the Cold War was becoming an issue. but Elizabeth. The point of this exercise is to see that simply by changing subjects. including Peter. A Sino-Soviet bloc had been proclaimed by Russia and China. but the political issuesthat Truman had to face were too powerful to ignore. Exercise 5. faced Truman when he was considering the Oppenheimer committee's recommendation to stop the hydrogen bomb project. In his essay. And the first Russian atom bomb test made the public demand a strong response from him. domestic politics in particular.• 1'. The risk in the Oppenheimer recommendation was worth taking according to some historians. you change the feel of a passage. Alexander I). defeated Anna and ascended to the throne in 1741. Many issuesother than science. achievement by merit was made the basis of succession when the principle of heredity was terminated by Peter. Truman's conclusion that he could not afford letting the public think that Russia had been allowed to be first in developing the most powerful weapon yet was an inevitable one. I have said. ·. Some sort of palace revolt or popular revolution plagued seven of eight reigns of the Romanov line after Peter the Great. In 1722. ·'· . "Stranger in the Village.·. . says something to the people of this village which it cannot say to me. Support for Truman's foreign policy was shrinking among Republican leaders in Congress.4 Ii. This resulted in many tsars' not appointing a successor before dying. but it is important to understand that this cathedral says something to me which it cannot say to them. Ivan VI was less than two months old when appointed by Czarina Anna. Male primogeniture became the law in 1797 when Paul I codified the law of succession." the African-American writer James Baldwin reflects on his relationship to European Christianity. •. 3.88 Style: Lessons in Clarity' and Grace 2. Succession not dependent upon authority resulted in the boyars' regularly disputing who was to become sovereign. . he makes the cathedral at Chartres the topic and a metaphorical character: The cathedral at Chartres. In the first sentence of his essay. daughter of Peter the Great. I am teachingyou or you are learning from me? Does it matter? We return to these questions in Lesson12. I doubt that the villagers think of the devil when they face a cathedral because they have never been identified with the devil. down which heretics were hurled to death.Lesson 5 Cohesion and Coherence 89 But in the second sentence. longer than I have known him. after all. after all. but it is important to understand that this cathedral says something to me which it cannot say to them.. I have said. but they have known God. the glory of the windows. Perhaps they are struck by the power of the spires. but it is important to understand that . He could have written this: I have said that I hear something from the cathedral at Chartres that the people of this village do not hear. focus on Baldwin (as above). First.. But I must accept the status which myth. and in a different way.the glory of the windows. gives me in the West before I can hope to change the myth. do you think? (No one can know the right answer.. inescapable gargoyles jutting out of the stone and seeming to say that God and the devil can never be divorced.. you will not be able to change them ali.I I ture. and I am terrified by the slippery bottomless well to be found in the crypt. I boldface topics. . Experiment with Baldwin's passage by changing its topics. longer than I have known him. Nothing forced him to choose those topics. and in a different way. How does the feel of the passage change? Why did Baldwin make the choices he did. but they have known God. What does this exercise suggest about "natural" connections be" tween charactersand subjects?What does it imply about how we understand who's responsiblefor what actions?How much can a writer control how we decide who's responsible for the real action in the world? Which ismore accurate. if nothing else. Then revise a second time. focusing on the people of Chartres. sayssomething to the people of this village which it cannot sayto me. and I am terrified . he switches the topidsubjects to the villagers.) Here is his passage. then a third time focusing on the architec- . The cathedral at Chartres. and by the obscene. then to himself: Perhaps they are struck by the power of the spires. . Through a series of sentences. A reason for the lingering animosity between North and South today is the memory of this terrible carnage. 2. . We examine in particular their labor costs and ability to introduce new products quickly. '" Of all the wars in American history. The memory of this tenible carnage is one reason for the lingering animosity between North and South today. Labor costs and the ability to introduce new products quickly in particular are examined. Begin sentences with subjects that communicate old information. keep your topics short and reasonably consistent: Competition by Asian companies with American companies in the Pacific is the first phase of this study.90 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Crace SUMMING Up We can sum up this lesson in this model: Fixed Variable Topic Familiar I Verb Action Fixed Variable Subject Character It represents two principles: 1. we examine how Asian companies compete with American companies in the Pacific region. A plan that will show American industry how to restructure its facilities will be developed from this study./ In the first phase of this study. information that your readers are familiar with: The number of dead in the Civil War exceeded all other wars in American history combined. none has exceeded the Civil War in the number of dead. We develop from this study a plan that will show American industry how to restructure its facilities. Lesson 6 Emphasis "Begin at the beginning," the King said. gravely, "and go on till you come to the end; then stop." -LE\\% CARROLL Beginning and end shake hands with each a/her. -GERMAN PROVERB In the end is my beginning. -T. S. ELIOT All's well that ends well. -WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE II I I, II I I 91 92 Style: Lessons in elm-it\, [lnd Grace UNDERSTANDING How SENTENCES END If you consistently write sentences whose SCBJECT/TOPJCS name a few central CHARACTERS and then join them to strong VERBS, you'll likely get the rest of the sentence right, and in the process create a passage that is both cohesive and coherent. But if the first few words of a sentence are worth special attention, so arc the last few, because how you end a sentence determines how readers judge both its clarity and its strength. In this lesson, we address clarity first, then strength, then how the right emphasis on the right words can contribute to a kind of coherence even more global than the coherence we get from consistent topics. When readers can build up momentum in the first nine or ten words of a sentence, the more easily they get through complicated material that follows. Compare: lao A sociometric and actuarial analysis of Social Security revenues and disbursements for the last six decades to determine changes in projecting deficits is the subject of this study. ,/ lb. In this study, we analyze Social Security's revenues and disbursements for the last six decades, using sociometric and actuarial criteria to determine changes in projecting deficits. As we start (La), we struggle to understand its technical terms at the same time we are hacking through a subject twenty-two words long. In (Ib), we go through just five words to get past a subject and verb and twelve more before we hit a term that might slow us up. By that point we have enough momentum to carry us through the complexity to its end. In short, in (l a), we hit the complexity at the beginning; in (Ib), we don't hit it until near the end, where we can handle it better. There are, however, two kinds of complexity: grammar and meaning. I .. Complex Grammar Which of these two sentences do you prefer? 2a. Lincoln's claim that the Civil War was God's punishment of both North and South for slavery appears in the last part of the speech. 2b. In the last part of his speech, Lincoln claims that God gave the Civil War to both North and South as a punishment for slavery. Most readers prefer (2b) because it begins simply, then moves toward grammatical complexity. Wc discussed that issue earlier. Lesson 6 Emphasis 93 Complex Meaning Another kind of complexity is in the meanings of words. Readers have a problem with all kinds of new technical terms, but especially when those terms appear at the beginning of a sentence. Compare these two passages: 3a. The role of calcium blocker drugs in the control of cardiac irregularity can he seen through an understanding of the role of calcium in the activation of muscle cells. The regulatory proteins actin, myosin, tropomyosin, and troponin make up the sarcomere, the basic unit of muscle contraction. ATPase, the energy-producing protein myosin, makes up its thick filament, while actin, tropomyosin, and troponin make up its thin filament. Interaction of myosin and actin triggers muscle contraction. '" 3b. When a muscle contracts, it uses calcium. We must therefore understand how calcium affects muscle cells to understand how cardiac irregularity is controlled by drugs called "calcium blockers." The basic unit of muscle contraction is the sarcomere. It has two filaments, one thin and one thick. Those filaments consist of four proteins that regulate contraction: actin, myosin, tropomyosin, and troponin. Muscles contract when the protein in the thin filament, actin, interacts with the protein myosin in the thick filament, an energy-producing or ATPase protein. ii Ii Both passages use the same technical terms, but (3b) is clearer to those who know nothing about the chemistry of muscles. Those passages differ in two ways. First, information that is only implicit in (3a) is stated explicitly in (3b): Sa. . .. and troponin make up the sarcomere, the basic unit of muscle contraction. ATPase, the energy-producing protein myosin, makes up its thick filament. '" 3b. The basic unit of muscle contraction is the sarcomere. It has two filaments, one thin and one thick ... More important, I moved the technical terms from the beginning of the sentences in (3a) to the end of the sentences in (3b). Note how almost all the technical terms in (3a) are toward the beginnings of their sentences: Sa. The role of calcium blocker drugs in the control of cardiac irregularity can be seen through an understanding of the role of calcium in the activation of muscle cells. and troThe regulatory proteins actin, myosin, tropomyosin, ponin make up the sarcomere, the basic unit of muscle contraction. 94 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace ATPase, the energy-producing protein myosin, makes up its thick filament, while actin, tropomyosin, and troponin make up its thin filament. Interaction of myosin and actin triggers muscle contraction. In (3b), those technical terms appear at the ends of their sentences: · .. uses calcium. · .. controlled by drugs called "calcium blockers." · .. is the sarcomere . . four proteins that regulate contraction: myosin, and troponin. · .. in the thick filament, an energy-producing actin, myosin, tropo- or ATPase protein. These principles work for prose intended even for professional readers. In this next passage, from the New England Journal ot' Medicine, the writer deliberately uses METADISCOCRSE to construct the second sentence just to get a new technical term at its end: The incubation of peripheral-blood lymphocytes with a Iymphokine, interleukin-2, generates lymphoid cells that can lyse fresh, nonculturcd. natural-killer-cell-resistant tumor cells but not normal cells. We term these cells lymphokine-activated killer (LAK) cells. I I Here's the point: Your readers want you yoor sentences to help kinds of difficulty: • long and complex PHRASES and CLAUSES, and • new information, particularly unfamiliar technical terms. In general, your sentences should begin with elements that are relatively short: short introductory phrases and clauses, followed by a short, concrete subject, followed by a verb expressing a specific action. After the verb, the sentence can go on for several lines, if it is well constructed (see Lessons 8 and 9). The general principle is to carry from Lesson 6 Emphasis 95 complexity to simplicity, but from simplicity to com!,lexity. We can integrate that principle with our others: Fixed Variable simple, familiar Verb New, long, complex Fixed Variable ONE MORE NEW TERM: STRESS In the last lesson, we said that an important position in the psychological geography of a sentence is its first few words, because they name the topic of a sentence, its psychological subject, as opposed to its grammatical subject (see pp. 81-82). In this lesson, I've been discussing the end of a sentence in general, but its last few words are particularly important. You can sense that when at the end of a sentence you hear your voice rise and emphasize one syllable more strongly than you do the others: . .. more strongly than you do the 6-thers. We have the same experience when reading silently. We'll call this most emphatic part of a sentence its STRESS and add it to our last box. How you manage the emphasis in that stress position helps establish the voice readers hear in your prose, because if you end a sentence on words that carry little meaning, your sentence will seem to end weakly. Global warming could raise sea levels to a point where much of the world's low-lying coastal areas would disappear, according to most atmospheric scientists . ./ According to most atmospheric scientists, global warming could raise sea leveJs to a point where much of the world's low-lying coastal areas would disappear. II i familiar Subject Character I Verb Action Stress New. Irresponsible charges. the issue of verification. Serious problems with Iranian compliance have been submerged in irresponsible charges. long. complex Fixed Variable In Lesson 4. 62-63). repudiate existing agreements. you can look at words for special emphasis. repudiate existing agreements. You can create different stylistic effects by managing how you end your sentences. innuendo. . or. The issue of verification-so central to nuclear arms control-has been blurred by the administration. worse still. we saw how to revise subject/topics to create different points of view (pp. Compare these next passages. worse still. and leaks. terminate anus control altogether. The ends of the sentences tell you which is which: l a. innuendo. terminate arms control altogether. The objective. instead. The objective. One was written to blame an American president for being weak with Iran on arms control. and leaks have submerged serious problems with Iranian compliance. Just as you look at the first your sentences for point of view. The administration has blurred an issue central to nuclear arms control. should be to clarify questionable behavior and insist on compliance-not to exploit these concerns in order to further poison our relations. The other is a revision that stresses Iran. instead.96 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Fixed Variable Topic Short. Here's the point. lb. should be not to exploit these concerns in order to further poison our relations. but to insist on compliance and clarify questionable behavior. simple. or. You can revise a sentence phasize particular words that you want readers to stressed and thereby note as particularly significant. The data offered to prove ESP arc too weak. you will almost by default emphasize the right words at the end of your sentences. arc getting scarcer. . Questions about the ethics of withdrawing intravenous are more difficult {than something just mentioned]. Sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior in the way we act in situations we are in every day. Shift peripheral ideas to the left. 2. Shift new information to the right. for the most part. Trim the end. I! Three Tactical Revisions I.1 'I '" More difficult [than something just mentioned] are questions about the ethics of withdrawing intravenous feeding. our social behavior. Particularly avoid ending with anticlimactic metadiscourse: Job opportunities in computer programming must be remembered. Six Syntactic Devices to Emphasize the Right Words There are several syntactic devices that let you manage where in a sentence you stress units of new information.Lesson 6 Emphasis 97 DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION If you have managed your subjects and topics well. 3. But there are some ways to revise just for that purpose. feeding :. the data offered to prove ESP are too weak. it in computer pro- '" It must be remembered that job opportunities gramming are getting scarcer. I. A more common way to manage stress is by moving new information to the end of a sentence. '" For the most part.. I Since social behavior means the way we act in situations we drop everything after behavior: '" Sociobiologists claim that our genes control "'. 98 Style: Lessons in Clarify and Grace 1. Passives (for the last time). A passive verb Icts you flip a subject and OBJECT. Compare these next two sentences. To stress the concept of genes influencing behavior, we revise the active verb into a passive to get that idca closer to the stress position: Some sociobiologists claim that our genes influence active aspects of behavior that we think are learned. Our genes, for exampie, seem to determine ... ,/ Some sociobiologists claim that aspects of behavior that we think are learned are in fact influenced passive by our genes. Our genes, for example, seem to determine .. As we've seen, the passive is in the language so that we can get old and new information in the right order. 2. There. Some edilors discourage there is/there are constructions as wordy, but they let you shift a su bject to after its verb to emphasize it. Compare: Several syntactic devices let you manage where in a sentence you locate units of new information. ,/ There are several syntactic devices that let you manage where in a sentence you locate units of new information. Experienced writers commonly begin a paragraph or section with there to introduce new topics and concepts that they develop in sentences that follow (for more on introducing new concepts, see Lesson 11). Used too often, of course, it seems weak and wordy. 3. What-shift. This is another device that shifts a part of the sentence to the right, thereby emphasizing it more: We need a monetary policy that would end fluctuations in money supply, unemployment, and inllation. ,/ What we need is a monetary policy that would end fluctuations in money supply, unemployment, and inflation. 4. It-shift. When you have a subject consisting of a long NOUN you can move it to the end of the sentence and start with an it: CI.AUSE, That oil prices would be set by OPEC once seemed inevitable. ./ It once seemed inevitable that oil prices would be set by OPEC. 10. Lesson 6 Emphasis 99 5. Not only x, but Y (as well). In this next pair, note how the but emphasizes the last element of the pair: We must clarify these issues and develop trust. .I We must not only clarify these issues, but develop trust. j,l , i I Unless you have reason to emphasize the negative, end with the positive: The point is to highlight our success, not to emphasize failures. ./ The point is not to emphasize our failures but to highlight success. our our 'i 'II The cost of these five devices is a few extra words, so use them sparingly. 6. Pronoun substitution, and ellipsis. This is a fine point: a sentence can end flatly if you repeat a word that you used just a few words before at the end of a sentence, because the voice we hear in our mind's ear drops off at the end of a sentence. If you read aloud the preceding sentence, this one, and the next, you can hear that drop at the end of each sentence. To avoid that kind of flatness, rewrite or use a pronoun instead of repeating the word at the end of the sentence. For example: A sentence will seem to end flatly if you use a word at its end that you used just a few words before, because when you repeat that word, your voice drops. Instead of repeating the noun, use a pronoun. The reader will at least hear emphasis on the word just before it. i I ,II· " r Occasionally, you can just delete words that repeat earlier ones: It is sometimes possible to represent a complex idea in a simple sentence, but more often you cannot represent a complex idea in the simplest of sentences. One of the characteristics of especially elegant prose is how writers use a handful of special rhetorical figures to end their sentences. I will discuss those devices in Lesson 9. I '/ 100 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace QUICK TIP: You can easily check whether you have stressed the right words by reading your sentences aloud, then as you speak the last few words, raise your voice and tap the table with your fingers. If you've stressed the wrong words, your voice and table thumping will feel wrong: It is sometimes possible to represent a complex idea in a simple sentence. but more often you cannot represent it in that kind of sentence. If you've stressed the right words, your voice and table thumping will feel right: It is sometimes possible to represent simple sentence, but MORE a complex idea in a OFTENYOU CANNOT. Exercise wordiness, nominalizations, etc. 6.1 Revise these sentences to emphasize the right words. In the first three, I boldfaced what I think should be stressed. Then eliminate 1. The President's tendency to rewrite the Constitution is the biggest danger to the nation, in my opinion, at least. 2. A new political philosophy that could affect our society well into the twenty-first century may emerge from these studies. 3. There are limited opportunities for faculty to work with individual students in large American colleges and universities. 4. Building suburban housing developments in floodplains has led to the existence of extensive and widespread flooding and economic disaster in parts of our country in recent years, it is now clear. 5. The teacher who makes an assignment of a long final term paper at the end of the semester and who then gives only a grade and nothing else such as a critical comment is a common object of complaint among students at the college level. 6. Renting textbooks rather than buying them for basic required courses such as mathematics, foreign languages, and English, whose textbooks do not go through yeariy changes, is feasible, however, economically speaking. LAsson 6 Emphasis 101 Exercise 6.2 Revise these passagesso that their sentences begin with appropriate topics and end with appropriate emphasis. 1. The story of King Lear and his daughters was a popular one during the reign of Queen Elizabeth. At least a dozen available books offered the story to anyone wishing to read it, by the time Elizabeth died. The characters were undeveloped in most of these stories, however, making the story a simple narrative that stated an obvious moral. When he began work on Lear, perhaps his greatest tragedy, Shakespeare must have had several versions of this story available to him. He turned the characters into credible human beings with complex motives, however, even though they were based on the stock figures of legend. 2. Whether the date an operation intends to close down might be part of management's "duty to disclose" during contract bargaining isthe issue here, it would appear. The minimization of conflict is the central rationale for the duty that management has to bargain in good faith. In order to allow the union to put forth proposals on behalf of its members, companies are obligated to disclose major changes in an operation during , I I, 'I !I I I , bargaining, though the case law is scanty on this matter. 3. Athens' catastrophic Sicilian Invasion is the most important event in Thucydides' History of the Peloponnesian War. Threequarters of the history is devoted to setting up the invasion because of this. Through the step-by-step decline in Athenian society that Thucydides describes, we can see how he chose to anticipate the Sicilian Invasion, The inevitability that we sssociate with the tragic drama is the basic reason for the need to anticipate the invasion. This next passage will seem difficult because it deals with a subject you probably know little about; even so, you can make it more readable by putting the technical terms at the end of each sentence and the familiar language at the beginning. 4. Mucosal and vascular permeability altered by a toxin elaborated by the vibrio is a current hypothesis to explain this kind of severe condition. Changes in small capillaries located near the basal surface of the epithelial cells, and the appearance of numerous microvesicles in the cytoplasm of the mucosal cells are evidence in favor of this hypothesis. Hydrodynamic trans- port of fluid into the interstitial tissue and then through the mucosa into the lumen of the gut is believed to depend on altered capillary permeability. II 'I I I II I .1 102 Style: Lessons in CIanI}' GIld Grace Revisethis next passage to stress its most important numbers. 5. Changes in revenues are as follows. An increase to $56,792 from $32,934, a net increase of approximately 73 percent, was realized July l-August 31 in the Ohio and Kentucky areas. In the Indiana and Illinois areas there was in the same period a 10 percent increase of $15,370, from $153,281 to $168,651. However, a decrease to $190,580 from $200,102, or 5 percent, occurred in the Wisconsin and Minnesota regions in almost the same period of time. TOPICS, EMPHASIS, THEMES, AND COHERENCE There is one more function performed by the stress of certain sentences, one that is important in helping readers think a whole passage is coherent. As we saw in the last lesson, readers take the clearest topic to be a short noun phrase that comes early in a sentence, usually as its subject. That's why most of us judge this next paragraph to be unfocused: its sentences do not open from any consistent point of view: 1a. Great strides in the early and accurate diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease have been made in recent years. Not too long ago, senility in an older patient who seemed to be losing touch with reality was often confused with Alzheimer's. Genetic dues have become the basis of newer and more reliable tests in the last few years, however. The risk of human tragedy of another kind, though, has resulted from the increasing accuracy of these tests: predictions about susceptibility to Alzheimer's have become possible, long before the appearance of any overt symptoms. At that point, an apparently healthy person could be devastated by such an early diagnosis. • I , If we revise that passage to make the topics more consistent, we also make it more coherent (topics are boldfaced): ./ 1b. In recent years, researchers have made great strides in the early and accurate diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease. Not too long ago, when a physician examined an older patient who seemed out of touch with reality, she had to guess whether the person was senile or had Alzheimer's. In the past few years, however, physicians have been able to use new and more reliable tests focusing on genetic clues. But in the accuracy of these new tests lies the risk of another kicd of human tragedy: physicians may be able to predict Alzheimer's long before its overt appearance, but such an early diagnosis could psychologically devastate an apparently healthy person. In recent years. framing sentence. Here is new first sentence for the Alzheimer's paragraph that would help readers focus on the key concepts not just of Alrheimer's and new diagnoses. Look at the highlighted words in the passage below one more time: • The boldfaced words are all about testing. however. researchers have made great strides in the early and accurate diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease. Readers read the opening sentence or two of a paragraph to find the key concepts that the paragraph will repeat and develop. The first sentence now stresses advances in diagnosis: . and (here is where it gets detailed) specifically toward its end. but those diagnoses RISK WHO have raised A NEW PROBLEM about L~FORMING THOSE MOST . does not appear until we are more than halfway through that paragraph. and they specifically look for those concepts in the last few words of that opening. especially the theme of the new problem . • The capitalized words are all about a new problem. In recent years. But the point in this passage is not about diagnosis. introductory. the early and accurate diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease. That concept. researchers have made great strides in the early and accurate diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease.:1'1' . Readers would grasp the point of that passage better if all of its key concepts appeared in the first sentence./ 1b.. but about its risks. But there is one more revision that would make that passage even more of a whole: Put key words in the stress position of the first sentence of a passage in order to emphasize the key ideas in the rest of a passage. . in its stress position.I 'I' Ii I II . but those diagnoses have raised a new problem about informing those most at risk who show no symptoms of it. • The italicized words are all about mental states. Each of those concepts is announced toward the end of a new opening sentence. but of new problem and informing those most at risk.I Lesson 6 Emphasis 103 The passage now focuses on just two topics: researcher/physicians and testing/diagnosis. We can call those key concepts that run through a passage its themes.. This principle applies to sentences that introduce fairly long paragraphs (two or three sentence introductory. but such an early diagnosis could PSYCHOLOGICALLY DEVASTATE AN APPARENTLY HEALTHY PERSOK. Not too long ago.104 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace SHOW NO SYMPTOMS OF IT. the opening sentence helps us notice those themes by emphasizing them at the end of its opening sentence. But in the accuracy of these new tests lies the RlSK OF ANOTHER KIND OF HUMAN TRAGEDY: physicians may be able to predict Alzheimer's long before its overt appearance. transitional. Readers are more emphasize them that passage. but for three: • Its topics consistently focus on physicians and diagnosis. In the past few years. • And no less important. That passage now "hangs together" not for just one reason. • Running through it arc strings of words that focus on the themes of (I) tests. and other kinds of paragraphs follow different patterns). We will return to this mailer in Lesson 11. and adjectives. she had to guess whether that person had Alzheimer's or was only senile. notice you end of the sentence that introduces . however. when a physician examined an older patient who seemed out of touch with reality. and (3) a new problem. physicians have been able to use new and more reliable tests focusing on genetic clues. • • Repeat others as themeselsewhere verbs. (2) mental conditions. even to a whole document: locate at the end of an introductory sentence words that announce the key concepts that you intend to develop in the rest of the passage. It also applies to sentences that introduce passages of any length. but at his succession was challenged by Elizabeth. because disputes over succession the throne caused some sort of palace revolt to or popular revolution in seven out of eight reigns of the Romanov line after Peter the Great. The problems began in 1722. lower-level aristocrats. Because turmoil over disputed succession to the throne plagued seven out of eight reigns of the Romanov line after Peter the Great. We will return to this matter in Lesson 11. your readers may have a problem. when Tsar Peter the Great passed a law of successionthat terminated the principle of successionby heredity and required the sovereign to appoint a successorwhen he died. 2. Which introductory sentence best sets up the ideas that follow? Assume that the reader would be already familiar with the characters-Russian rulers.3 Here are three opening sentencesand the rest of a paragraph that each of those sentences might introduce. Ivan VI was adopted by Czarina Anna Ivanovna and named as her successor age two months. daughter of Peter the I i i . But because many of the tsars. sets up. including Peter. died before they named successors. underline the sentence that you think best introduces. There was turmoil even when suecessors were appointed. In 1740. Those words should serve as the title of the paragraph. the situation changed in the next century. The next century the situation changed. If you can do that quickly. The best of the three sentences will in its last few words highlight the new conceptsthat the writer wants usto associatewith those rulers. your paragraph probably has a problem. frames the rest of the paragraph. 3. those who aspired to rule had no authority by appointment.Lesson 6 Emphasis 105 I QUICK TIP: For a paragraph more than five or six sentences long. If they do not. because after Peter the Great seven out of eight reigns of the Romanov line were plagued by turmoil over disputed succession to the throne. I I !i !I 1. circle the last six words of that introductory segment. I i L Exercise 6. The next century the situation changed. If you can't do that quickly. and so their succession was often disputed by the boyars. SUMMING Up I. . To accomplish this. Alexander I./ The principal aim of this study was to determine how lipid-linked saccharides are involved in the assembly of oligosaccharide chains of ovalbumin in vivo. Irresponsible charges. In vitro and in vivo studies utilizing oviduct membrane preparations and oviduct slices and the antibiotic tunicamycin were undertaken to accomplish this . In 1797 Paul tried to eliminate these disputes by codifying a law: primogeniture in the male line.106 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Great. but those diagnoses . one of whom was probably his son. or otherwise difficult-to-process material. utilizing the antibiotic tumcamyein on preparations of oviduct membrane and on oviduct slices. studies were undertaken in vitro and in vivo. researchers have made great strides in the early and accurate diagnosis of Alsheimers disease. Paul was strangled by conspirators. Use the stress of a sentence that introduces a passage to announce the key concepts that the rest of the passage will develop: In recent years. 3. Use the end of a sentence to introduce long. particularly unfamiliar technical terms and new information. 2. and leaks. innuendo. A determination of involvement of lipid-linked saccharides in the assembly of oligosaccharide chains of ovalbumin in vivo was the principal aim of this study. Serious problems with Iranian compliance have been submerged in irresponsible charges. In 1741. Use the stress position at the very end to emphasize words that you want your readers to hear emphasized in their minds' ear: The administration has blurred an issue central to arms control. But turmoil continued. The issue of verification-so central to arms control-has been blurred by the administration.' and leaks have submerged serious problems with Iranian compliance. she defeated Anna and ascended to the throne herself. complex. Innuendo. the issue of verification. however. she had to guess whether that person was senile or had Alzheimer's. when a physician examined an older patient who seemed out of touch with reality.LeSWI1 6 Emphasis 107 WHO SHOW . PSYCHOLOG1CALLY DEVASTATE AN APPARENTLY HEALTHY PERSON.I\iO SYMPTOMS about INFORMING THOSE MOST AT RISK Not too long ago. In the past few years. they have been able to Use new and more reliable tests focusing on genetic clues. But in the accuracy of these new tests lies the RISK OF ANOTHER KlND OF HUMAN TRAGEDY: physicians may be ahle to predict Alzheimer's long before its overt appearance. . . but such an early diagnosis could have raised A NEW PROBLEM OF IT. most difficult to understand. write sentences that get to a short. 5. 3. They want sentences to get to the subject of a main clause quickly. concrete. so put there information that they will find least familiar. complex phrases and subordinate clauses. Readers are confused when in a series of sentences each opens with a different subject. Keep subjects short and. 2.108 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace SUMMARY: PART 2 A simple English sentence is more than the sum of its words. 4. if you can. so through a passage. They want verbs that name specific actions. simple. Readers want to see those patterns not just in the main clause of a sentence. complex Readers prefer sentences with these characteristics: 1. join that subject to a verb that names a specific action. b. . concrete-ideally flesh-and-blood characters. so avoid opening more than a few sentences with long. Open sentences with familiar information. focus on a few topics that define what that passage is centrally "about. Fixed Topic Variable Short. familiar subject quickly.familiar Fixed Variable Subject Character I Verb Action Stress New." In short. so do this: a. They want sentences that get past the subject of a main clause to a verb quickly. most complex. but in every subordinate clause as well. it is a system of systems. and keep your subjects consistent.long. Readers deal with complexity more easily at the end of a sentence. so do not bury actions in abstract nouns. where the eloquence does not arise from a laboured and farfetched elocution.. and which may be said to be the true characteristic of the holy Scriptures.. ~LAlJRENCE STERNE . which consists chiefly in laboured and polished periods.PART THREE Grace There are two sorts of eloquence. The other sort of eloquence is quite the reverse to this. the one indeed scarce deserves the name oiit. but from a surprising mixture at simplicity and majesty. tinseled over with a gaudy embellishment of words. an over-curious and artificial arrangement of figures.. -MARIANNE MOORE 111 I I i . . -JOHN WESLEY . -HANS HOFMANN I I To a Snail: If "compression is the first grace of style. more meager. not by the quantity. barer. "you have it. but how good they are? I spare both my reader's time and my own. but by the quality of them: who ask not how long.iU .Lesson 7 Concision I write for those who judge of hooks. by couching my sense in as few words as I can. SCOTT FITZGERALD Iii The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. II I' Often I think writing is sheer paring away of oneself leaving always something thinner. -F. Replace a phrase with a word. But readers may still think your prose is a long way from graceful if it's anything like this: In my personal opinion. I focus on concision. That writer matched characters with subjects. You must still make your sentences shapely. Concision. Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words. and closer yet when you get the right characters into TOPICS and the right words under STRESS. each and every is redundant./ We should consider each suggestion. on shape. hut in too many words: opinion is always personal.112 Style: LeSSOIlS in Clarity and Grace UNDERSTANDING CONCISION You get close to clarity when you match your CHARACTERS and ACTIO"S to your SUBJECTS and VERBS. Though not elegant. though. we don't need in my opinion. 3. it is necessary that we should not ignore the opportunity to think over each and every suggestion offered. DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION about suggestions. Think over and not ignore both mean consider. in the next. I followed five Five Principles of Concision When I edited that sentence principles: I. and since this statement is opinion. concision. In this lesson. 2. Change negatives to affirmatives. so we don't need personal. Delete words implied by other words. 4. because you have to inch your way through every sentence you write. 5. or as we'll call it. that sentence at least has style's first gracecompression. and actions with verbs. In fewer words: . Those principles are easy to state but hard to follow. Delete words that mean little or nothing. cutting . is only a start. And suggestion is by definition offered. . because past history shows that it is the final outcome of minor events that unexpectedly surprises us more. Delete meaningless words. can guide you in that work. because foreign words sounded more learned. This redundancy is common but hard to identify. 2. though. compressing there. Some common lenible tragedy basic fundamentals final outcome redundancies: various different fu ture plans true facts free gift each individual consensus of opinion . Delete doubled words. and that's labor-intensive. because history shows that the outcome of minor events surprises us more./ Do not try to predict revolutionary events. Early in the history of English. . especially its modifier: Do not try to predict future events that will completely revolutionize society./ Productivity depends on psychology more than on technology. because it comes in so many forms. Most paired words today are just redundant. the meaning of a word implies others. Delete what readers can infer. here. Redundant Modifiers Often. Those five 1.Lesson 7 Concision 113 principles. writers got into the habit pairing a French or Latin word with a native English one. II. Among the common ones: full and complete true and accurate hopes and desires hope and trust each and every first and foremost any and all basic and fundamental various and sundry 3. Some words are verbal tics that we usc as unconsciously as we clear our throats: kind of virtually actually individual particular really generally certain given various practically basically Productivity actually depends on certain factors that basically invalve psychology more than any particular technology. For example: As you carefully read what you have written to improve wording and catch errors of spelling and punctuation. So more concisely. Sometimes you change an adjective into a NOUN: The county manages the educational system and public reo-eationol activities. -/' The county manages education and public recreation. Learn implies trying./' The holes must be aligned accurately. chess is a game. playing the game implies rules. so you can usually cut a word that names it. This redundancy is especially difficult to fix. the membrane area became pink in color and shiny in appearance . . 4.114 Style: Lessons in Clarity arid Grace Redundant Categories Every word implies its general category. because you need a big vocabulary and the wit to use it. first replace nominaJizations with clauses. . the membrane became pink and shiny. Replace a phrase with a word. the thing to do before anything else is to see whether you could use sequences of subjects and verbs instead of the same ideas expressed in nouns. Imagine learning the rules of chess./' DUling that period. . That is. Compare (the category is boldfaced): During that period of time. you may have to change an ADVERB: ADJECTIVE into an The holes must be aligned in an accurate manner . -/' As you edit. Here are some general nouns (boldfaced) often used redundantly: large in size unusual in nature round in shape of a strange type at an early time honest in character area of mathematics in a confused state of a bright color General Implications This kind of wordiness harder to spot because it can be so diffuse: is even Imagine someone trying to learn the rules for playing the game of chess. In doing that. ~ We have noted [ewer/more errors. much less give you the word. ~ Even though the data were checked. you may petition to get in. I can point out only that you often can. errors occurred.Lesson 7 Concision 115 I compressed five phrases into five words: carefully read what you have written the thing to do before anything else usc X instead of Y nouns instead of verbs sequences of su bjects and verbs ---t ~ ~ edit first replace nominalizations clauses ~ ~ I can offer no principle that tells you when to replace a phrase with a word. I. ~ Before training ends. apply for your license. ~ Nothing may come of this. to the end of the training. I We must explain why the meeting is delayed. 'I: I ~ In a situation where a class closes. . and that you should be alert for opportunities to do so-which is to say. . There is a need for more careful inspection of all welds. contact this office. II 'I 'I . . try. It is possible that nothing will come of this. errors occurred. U you finish early. We are in a position to make you an offer . u . In the event that you finish early. Prior. apply for your license. ~ You must inspect all welds more carefully. contact this office. you may petition to get in. We have noted a decrease/increase in the number of errors. ~ I . Iii· Despite the fact that the data were checked.I We can make you an offer. Here are some common phrases (boldfaced) to watch for. ~ When a class closes. I want to say a few words concerning the matter of money. ~ 1 want to say a few words about money. Note that some of these let you tum a nominalization into a verb (both italicized): We must explain the reason for the delay in the meeting. refuse. contradict. Keep a negative sentence when . doubt. Compare these: Except when you have failed to submit applications documentation. unless you arc paying less than $100. These 1\\'0 sentences. but the affirmative is more direct: Do not write in the negative. against.. Change negatives to affinnatives. for example.') not different. deny. benefits will not be denied . but you also force readers to do a kind of algebraic calculation.116 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 5. prohibit. . bar without. submit your documents. and conjunctions are implicitly negative: Verbs Prepositions Conjunctions preclude. prepositions. fail. unless the payment does not exceed $100 . lacking. but for. . Now revise the negatives into affirmatives: . formulaically: --> --> --> --> similar different prevent overlook not many not often not stop not include few rarely continue omit Do not translate a negative into an affirmative if you want to emphasize the negative. . without ./ You will receive benefits only if you submit your documents . exclude. And you baffle readers completely when you combine explicitly and implicitly negative words with passives and nominalizations: There should be no submission of payments without notification of this office. prevent. (Is that such a sentence? I could have written. not different not the same not allow not notice --> --> --> --> SODle Write in the affirmative.) Some verbs. You can rewrite most negatives. not only must you use an extra word: same ----. avoid./ To receive benefits.. lack. notify this office first. mean much the same thing. When you express an idea in a negative form. except when You can baffle readers if you combine not with these negative words. except unless./ If you pay more than $100. Do not submit payments if you have not notified this office. . reject. and do any more editing you think useful. Notwithstanding the fact that all legal restrictions on the use of firearms are the subject of heated debate and argument.1 I 7. and attention. prospects for those engaged in graduate-schaal-level studies are at best not certain. 6. becausetheir particular health problems and concerns are often not major and for the most part can usually be adequately treated without much time. Critics cannot avoid employing complex and abstract technical terms if they are to successfully analyze literary texts and discussthem in a meaningful way. Scientific research generally depends on fully accurate data if it isto offer theories that will allow us to predict the future in a plausible way. Exercise 7. Delete words implied by other words.1 Prune the redundancy from these sentences.Lesson 7 Concision 117 Here's the point: Readers think you write concisely when you use only enough words to say what you mean. Replace a phrase with a word. 5. l . Where appropriate. it is necessary that the general public not stop carrying on discussions pro and con in regard to them. Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words. In regard to desirable employment in teaching jobs. . 8.or other evidence of costs. the Insured may not refuse to provide the Insurer with receipts. There isno possibility in regard to a reduction in the size of the federal deficit if reductions in federal spending are not introduced. Except when expenses do not exceed $250. a majority of all patients who appear at a public medical clinical facility do not expect special medical attention or treatment. Do not discontinue medication unless symptoms of dizziness and nausea are not present for six hours. 3. . 2. 1. Most likely. Delete words that mean little or nothing. 4. change the following negatives to affirmatives. Change negatives to affirmatives. checks. effort. So long astaxpayers do not engage in widespread refusal to pay taxes. They are twe principles. \\!e can remember the GftifieSeapproach to yin and yang. 10. To avoid being charged your first monthly fee. 11. 13. "Yin is always present in . oil shale. which must be restored? At the heart of the argument culture is our habit of seeing issues and ideas as a~Fi8Itt~e aFla il'f8eeneila~le principles 88R~iFHlan.118 Stvle: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 9. cancel your membership before your free trial ends. QUICK TIP: Try deleting every adverb and every adjective before a noun. Not until a resolution between Catholics and Protestants in regard to the authority of papal supremacy is reached will there be a start to a reconciliation between these two Christian religions. Exercise 7. To move beyond this siatie aHa lireitiHg view. Which is less clear? Why might it have been written like that? Revise it. No agreement exists on the question of an open or closed universe. No alternative exists in this country to the eventual development of tar sand. a dispute about which no resolution is likely as long as a computation of the total mass of the universe has not been done. but they are conceived not as ft:.J at war.. You will not be charged our first monthly fee unless you don't cancel within the first thirty days. then restore only those that readers need to understand the passage. yes.2 Here are two actual sentences from two "free" offers. the government will have no difficulty in paying its debts. No one should be prevented from participating in cost-sharing educational programs without a full hearing into the reasons for his or her not being accepted.As ~ ~ Suzanne Wong Scollon notes. and coal as sources of fuel. 12. Tnthis passage. reesneilal3Ie I9sltMopposites but as elements that coexist and should be brought into balance as m~eH tU :I98ssiale. if we wish to stop being energy dependent on imported oil. When we prune the metadiscourse... some types that you can usually cut. finally. then do likewise. second. we tighten the sentence: The greatest changes in men-women relationships have occurred in how they work together. Some teachers and editors urge us to cut all metadiseourse. it is important to keep in mind that the greatest changes have occurred in how they work together... therefore.. as you see • the structure of the text: first.I Men and women have changed their relationships most in how they work together.. but everything we write needs some.. greatest changes . it is important to keep in mind that .. however. candidly. The rest is metadiscourse: The last point I would like to make is that in regard to . Now that we sec what the sentence says. Only nine of those relationships: thirty-four words address men-women how they work men-women relationships . There are. your ideas: but too much buries The last point I would like to make is that in regard to men-women relationships. The Argument Culture I I II! .LCSMll1 7 Concision 119 and changing into yang and vice versa. . however Everything you write needs metadiseourse. You have to read with an eye to how good writers in your field use it. together. I ! A Particular Kind of Redundancy: Mctadiscourse Lesson 4 described following: METADISCOURSE !! I as language that refers to the the writer's intentions: to sum up. I believe directions to the reader: note that. we can make it still more direct: . consider now." How can we translate this tL-ssa-aetdea into ~ practice? i -from Deborah Tannen. / High divorce rates occur in areas with low population density. The first thing to say about it is that noise pollution exists not only. I will discuss the role of metaphor in style. it will take is concerned. But you can usually work those topics into a subject: . noted../ The most important feature of a vigorous style is a short. just state the fact: High divorce rates have been observed to occur in areas that have been determined to have low population density . Readers catch the topic more easily if you reduce the metadiscourse: . . that kind of sentence in a professional journal promises to develop what it names. usually mentioned at least once in the text previous to it: In regard to a vigorous style. Two other constructions call attention to a topic. So far as China's industrial development only a few years to equal that of Japan. Look hard at a sentence opening with a metadiscourse and verb that merely announce a topic: In this essay. and so on. Metadiscourse That Announces Your Topic The boldface phrases tell your reader what your sentence is "about": This section introduces another problem. noticed. that of noise pollution. .120 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Metadiscourse That Attributes Your Ideas to a Source Don't announce that something has been observed. the most important concrete subject followed by a forceful verb. I have this topic and hope I eventually think or something to say about it. On the other hand. feature is a short. . subject I write that kind of sentence when I have no idea where I am going. First./ China will take only a few years to equal Japan's industrial development. concrete subject followed by a forceful verb . . it exists not only ./ Another problem is noise pollution.. saying in effect.. possibly. in some ways./ The evidence indicates that some of these questions remain unresolved . might. a certain number of may. i. The verbs suggest and indicate let you state a claim about which you are less than 100 percent certain. we state claims like this): . appeal.11 . some. Both can not only be redundant. hedges and intensifiers./ These data suggest that further studies are neCeSSal)'. tend. I . apparently. sometimes. . seem. In academic writing.arguably. often. intensifiers increase it. mouthed. in some/certain respects most. could. but confident enough to propose: . . perhaps.I :1 I: . only a fool or someone with massive historical evidence would make an assertion as flatly certain as this: This evidence proves that Japanese and Western rhetorics differ because of Japan's cultural isolation and Europe's history of cross-cultural contacts. I On the other hand. to a certain extent. because they signal how well you balance caution and confidence. suggest. almost. we more often state claims closer to this (and look at that for my own hedging. This is: but mealy- There seems to be some evidence to suggest that certain differences between Japanese and Western rhetoric could derive from historical intluences possibly traceable to Japan's cultural isolation and Europe's history of cross-cultural contacts. This kind of metadiscourse comes in two flavors./ This evidence suggests that aspects of Japanese and Western rhetoric differ because of Japan's cultural isolation and Europe's history of cross-cultural contacts. ! I. but influence how readers judge your character. In most academic writing. indicate Adjectives Verbs Some readers think all hedging is not just redundant. allegedly. somewhat. virtually.Lesson 7 Concision 121 I I Metadiscourse That Hedges and Intensifies Another kind or metadiscourse reflects the writer's certainty about what she is claiming. can. compare the more assertive. Hedges qualify your certainty. I Hedges These are common hedges: Adverbs usually. many. Compare this (I boldface my stronger words. as you/we/everyone knows/can see. rather.Xj~ state here a the structure for the salt of deoxyribose nucleic acid (D. it was Crick and Watson.. If anyone was entitled to be assertive. A structure for nucleic acid has already been proposed by Pauling and Corey . government is . oicourse. IH 8ttf' 8f1iHisH. but neither does it have any hedges.N. In this case. not the free acid . fundamental. it is clear/obvious that Adjectives Verbs The most common intensifier is the absence of a hedge. But they chose to be diffident (note. invariably. pretty. hedges are boldfaced): We wish to suggest a [not the] structure for the salt of deoxyribose nucleic acid (D. H. "Molecular Structure of Nucleic Acids" Without the hedges. (2) Some of the van del' Waals distances appear to be too small..A. e tl~et [T]he material which gives the X-ray diagrams is the salt. certainly. indeed.) . obviously.. clearly.. too. establish. not the free acid . essential show. Crick.. major. the first person we... -J. principal. crucial. Watson and F.N. always. inevitably. this struclure is unsatisfactory for two reasons: (1) We believe that the material which gives the X-ray diagrams is the salt. quite.ate Intensifiers Adverbs These are common intensifiers: very. D.122 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Even confident scientists hedge. . [T]his structure is unsatisfactory for two reasons: (1) selie. In our opinion... This next paragraph introduced the most significant breakthrough in the history of genetics.A') . but most of the more aggressive tone comes from the absence of hedges): We "iSH ~8 sHgge. C. The first sentence below has no intensifiers at the blanks. their claim would be more concise but more aggressive. A structure for nucleic acid has already been proposed by Pauling and Corey . less is more. (2) ""at [Tlhe van del' Waals distances (lflf3eal"f'S ee are 100 small. and so it seems like a strong claim: _____ Americans believe intrusive and that the federal authoritarian. basic. literally key. thc discovery of the double helix of DNA.. central.. prove.. Ul1doubtedly. it is clear that. Quite the opposite: If you state a claim moderately. But it does not come on like a bulldozer. and so I 'I . is often intru- Confident writers use intensifiers less often than they use hedges because they want to avoid sounding as assertive as this: For a century now. today. As a result. many liberals have argued against censorship of art. they reflexively think the opposite. there is no question that./ Many Americans believe that the federal government sive and increasingly authoritarian. today. seems. undoubtedly. It leaves room for a reasoned and equally moderate response.Lesson 7 Concision 123 . Some claim that a passage hedged that much is wordy and weak. words such as erh . therefore. all liberals have argued against any censorship of art. Here's the point: You need some metadiscourse in everything you write. As a result. Some writers think that kind of aggressive style is persuasive. second. Perhaps. and so on. on the other hand. and so on. censorship is totally a thing of the past. and every court has found their arguments so completely persuasive that not a person any longer remembers how they were countered. and most courts have found their arguments persuasive enough that few people may remember exactly how they were countered. words such as first. readers are more likely to consider it thoughtfully: For about a century' now. risk is in using too could. censorship is virtually a thing of the past. especially metadiscourse that guides readers through your text. QUICK TIP: When most readers read a sentence that begins with something like obviously. You also need some metadiscourse that hedges y rtainty. of children in the That appears to be a self-evident.4 Edit these for both unnecessary metadiscourse and redundancy. Delete the metadiscourse and rewrite what remains. But on the other hand. Then rewrite what is left into a full sentence: . I will analyze Frost's use of imagery of seasons in his longer poems published at the end of his career. 6. 8. Exercise 7.essons in Clarity and Grace Exercise 7. 2. therefore. We will consider scientific thinking and its historical roots in connection with the influence of Egypt on Greek thought. Then decide whether the full statement makes a claim that readers would want to read about. The methodological differences between English and American histories of the War of 1812 resulting in radically differing interpretations of the cause of the conflict are the topic of this study. I examine the history of Congressional legislation regarding the protection of children in the workplace.3 Here are sentences that announce a topic rather than state a thesis.124 Style: l. 3. uninteresting claim. 5. delete the metadiscourse: the history of Congressional legislation regarding the protection of children in the workplace. . we can perhaps point out that there may always be TV programming to appeal to our most prurient and. For example: In this study. This article discussesneedle sharing among drug users./ Congress has legislated the protection workplace. 1. I intend to address the problem of the reasons for the failure and successof trade embargoes in this century. 4. First. In this essay. lowest interests. I analyze the mistaken assumption underlying Freud's interpretation of dreams. 1. This essaywill survey research in schemata theory as applied to the pedagogy of mathematical problem solving. The relationship between birth order and academic successwill be explored. I 7. the educational system has taken on a degree of importance that may be equal to or perhaps even exceed the family as a major source of transmission of social values. there is in regard to wilderness area preservation activities one basic principle when attempting to formulate a way of approaching decisions about unspoiled areas to be set aside as not open to development for commercial exploitation. He must show enough evidence to convince the court that he is in the right. Unfortunately. It is my belief that in regard to terrestrial-type snakes. I intend to discussmy position about the possible need to dispense with the standard approach to plea bargaining.Lesson 7 Concision 125 2. but a surer sign is knowing what to leave unsaid-our community's common knowledge. thereby denying the appeal of the plaintiff. Depending on the particular position that one takes on this question. In this particular section. 3. The main point supporting my point of view on this case concerns the tenet of our court system which holds that in order to win his case. But he was writing his first paper in a new community. 4. 5. The first reason is that there is the possibility of letting hardened criminals avoid receiving their just punishment. . Here. is a paragraph by a good undergraduate writer (1 checked). law school: It is my opinion that the ruling of the lower court concerning the case of Has/em v. Turning now to the next question. The second reason isthe following: plea bargaining seemsto encourage a growing lack of respect for the judicial system.an assumption can be made that there are probably none in unmapped areas of the world surpassing the size of those we already have knowledge of. for example. . But we almost inevitably fall into redundancy when we write about a subject that we are just learning. We signal membership in a community by what we say and how we say it. I believe this for two reasons. The burden of proof rests on the plaintiff. the plaintiff must prove that he was somehow wronged by the defendant. " I I I I I Productive Redundancy Learning by Writing Some teachers think any redundancy signals mental laziness. learning what not to say takes time. Lockwood should be upheld. but neither do they like a style so terse that it's all l' I . The burden of proo[ rests on the plaintiff. Readers don't like flab. that the plaintiff has the burden of proof. I boldface metadiscourse and italicize the self-evident: It is my opinion that the ruling of the lower court concerning the case of Haslem v.Lockwoodshould be upheld. But at this early stage in his career. the plaintiff must prove that he was somehow wronged by the defendant. QUICK TIP: Once you have drafted a paper. When we delete the narrative and the obvious. Look again at that paragraph by the first-year law student. we don't have to narrate how we do it. thereby denying the appeal of the plaintiff The main point supporting my point of view on this case concerns the tenet ofour court system which holds that in order to win his case. He must show enough evidence to convince the GalAti thxu he is in the right. read it once simply to see whether you have organized it as a narrative of your thinking. Not Terse Having stressed concision so strongly.126 Style: Lessons in Clarify and Grace To his legal writing teacher. . so does using metadiscourse to narrate one's thinking. he recorded some or his thinking. we often feel compelled to tell a story about what we thought and did. and so could not resist rehearsing it. When we arc comfortable thinking through familiar problems. Most readers aren't interested in how you thought through an issue. Metadiscourse about Thinking Just as "belaboring the obvious" signals a writer new to a field. we are left with something leaner: Haslem should be affirmed. they want to see the results of your having done it. this writer was an outsider learning his communitys obvious knowledge. everything after the first comma was redundant: It is a given that if a court upholds a ruling. Not only did he belabor the obvious. that the plaintiff has to provide evidence. that the plaintiff can win only if he proves a defendant has wronged him. i I Concise. I must now step back. because plaintifffailed his burden of proof. it denies the appeal. But when we are inexperienced. (140 words. or. calling for transpositions.) r I With some rewording. Bali) EHi HR. others prefer to revise eHtit el) on screen. fAat tAef'e Rye seRSttS flaws . we can cut that version by another third (revisions are italicized): Revising is part of writing. you can always use the computer to restore the manuscript to its original condition. it is no sign of weakness or defeat that your manuscript needs major surgery. should that course seem best. if you cannot find the right spot. a word processor can save you time and labor as you rearrange the manuscript.e . you can always 1-i. This is a common occurrence in all writing. When that is the case.. Remember. Quite often you will discover. Save both the revised and the original versions. ~ he Raaia ts experiment . It is no sign of weakness SF aeFeRli that your manuscript needs ¥RajeFsurgery. itk .'l8 tHe E8M.. and among the best writers. move the material to the end of the manuscript until you decide whether to delete it. "R emefHaer.Lesson 7 Concision 127 gristle and bone. ~ Often you will discovel~ 8H enflhiiniftg the ESFAJ31ete. others prefer to revise entirely on screen.. This is a common Seett. on examining the completed work. Above all. and among the best writers. When .~TeHee in all writing. move the material to the end of the manuscript until you decide whether to delete it. Some writers find that working with the printed copy of the manuscript helps them to visualize the process of changes. ealliHg' fer tr-ansfJssiti8Ho. Above all. if you cannot find the right spot. If you use a word processor I' . do not be afraid to experiment with what you have written. Few writers are so expert that they can produce what they are after on the first try. You can select material on the screen and move it to a more appropriate spot. FiUeR save ~ the revised and the original versions. SH8lctld: tRat esttf'se seefH aest. (199 words) We can shorten that paragraph just by erasing its redundancy: Revising is part of writing. Some writers find that working with the printed e r. or. that is the case.a SAt. because few writers flt SaNee 'hat tAe) 8:Fe 8:FEerSft tAe HtElttl J VI/riteperfect first drafts. the third edition of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style: Revising is part of writing. in the arrangement of the material. You can seleet matedaJ ~n tHe Sef'eeH a-l'Iel move [material] to a more appropriate spot. Here is some amiable advice from the most widely read book on style. a word processor can save yett' time SHE! IabsF as you rearrange the manuscript. that there are serious flaws in the arrangement of the material."lf3Htel· te restore the manuscript to its original condition.. Few writers lty€ S8 €JiflBFt tHRt tfiB) eRH produce what they are after on the first try. sf tRe manuscript helps them 'l'e visualize tHe f3Fseess sf changes. HIElisss . a tradeoff that many readers would reject.. 6f. Some writers find tl at 81IEing <itt the printed manuscript helps them te visualize changes.SI'eSFl &t Elyou can move H text to a more appropriate spot. you can always go back to it.128 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace and find OFteR) Sl:I:. . t is no I sign of weakness that your manuscript needs surgery. or if you cannot find one ~Re :AgR~ ~ to the end €If~Re R1:8:Hl:l:SeA13~ until you decide whether to delete it. Even great writers revise. you can rearrange the parts by moving them around.eF se:ASl:iSflaws in its arrangement. and among the best writers. experiment. That's why you should listen to what readers say about your writing. I've bleached out its garrulous charm. so if your manuscript needs surgel}'. "€It'!: SftH aeles~ 1 &~st:j&l 81'1tl"lS :. . isea aRB-the original version. but when you clear away deadwood. This is common in all writing. SUMMING Up You need more than concision to guarantee grace.I If we define our goals. Above all. 1. we can cut that in half: Most writers revise because few 'write a perfect first draft. "'+leFt ~I a-~ in ~he Sa-58. even abrupt. They know what you never can: how it feels to be your reader. If you save the original.. Rl:i 8B:F1:t8 sa. (101 words) And if we cut to the bone. it signals no weakness. you can see the shape of a sentence more clearly. others revise on the screen. J i . 2. 1 . &eR1:effiaeF.+fle 111a-~et=ial. official governmental red tape seriously destroys initiative among individual businesses .I Government red tape destroys business initiative. Save BetA lAe Fe. (51 words) But in boiling down that original paragraph to a quarter of its original length. Redundant pairs If and when we can define our final aims and goals. I can't tell you when you've written so concisely that your readers think you are terse. S tilAe 8:S}Sl:I: 8 F€El:i:r~ge ) 1 the Jl'l8:f1tl:ssfliflt. you can always res+eFe ~I:e Ft &Rl:iselip~ go back to it i~s sFigiHal eSHai~isFl. If you work on a computer. each and every member of our group will be ready and willing to offer aid and assistance . we will all be ready to help. Redundant modifiers In the business world of today. . / Malfunctions in nuclear energy systems will surprise us. I! i .Lesson 7 Concision 129 3./ Tight finances are forcing school boards to cut nonessentials. . Too certain: In my research. I I 5. Meaningless modifiers I Most students generally find some kind of summer work . but just right. That's little help. are forcing ./ Totalitarianism prevents stable social relationships./ Energy will eventually cost more. Excessive metadiscourse It is almost certainly the case that totalitarian systems cannot allow a society to have what we would define as stable social relationships. Redundant categories In the area of education./ Most students find summer work. 4. tight financial conditions school boards to cut nonessential expenses . . in 8. . . but this is a matter where you have to develop and then trust your ear. I prove that people with a gun in their home use it to kill themselves or a family member instead of to protect themselves from an intruder. . Obvious implications Energy used to power industries and homes will in years to come cost more money . not too little. I 9. 7./ A capsized sailboat must support those on it. 6. Indirect negatives There is no reason not to believe that engineering malfunctions nuclear energy systems cannot be anticipated . Hedges and intensifiers The only principle here is the Goldilocks rule: not too much. A phrase for a word A sail-powered craft that has turned on its side or completely over must remain buoyant enough so that it will bear the weight of those individuals who VI/ereaboard . My research indicates that people with a gun in their homes are more likely to use it to kill themselves or a family member than they are to protect themselves from an intruder.130 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Too uncertain: Some of my recent research seems to imply that there may be a risk that certain people with a gun in their homes could be more prone to use it to kill themselves or a family member than to protect themselves from possible intruders. Just right? . Lesson 8 Shape The structure of every sentence is a lesson in logic. . -WILLIAM I' I BLAKE ..I A long complicated sentence should force itself upon you. ---SIR HERBERT READ . a progression not necessarily reflected in length: a long sentence may be extremely simple in construction-indeed must be simple if it is to convey its sense easily. -JOHN STUART MILL I l Sentences in their variety run from simplicity to complexity. -GERTRUDE STEIN You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. make you know yourself knowing it. . \1 I 131 I I i l . but it doesn't sprawl. But they must study all the other social. and cultural conflicts that have plagued their 1300 years of troubled history. economic. explanations of the causes of their distrust must include all of the other social. and cultural conflicts that have plagued them through their 1300 years of troubled history. and Kurds distrust one another today. they could be arranged into a more shapely sentence. and cultural conflicts that have plagued them that are rooted in a troubled history that extends 1300years into the past. you have achieved a good deal. so you have . you're like a composer who can write only jingles. economic. for example. Consider. Shiites. We can start revising by editing the abstractions into CHARACTER/SUBJECTS and ACTION/VERBS and then break the sentence into shorter ones: Historians have tried to explain why Sunnis. you can see sprawl in the writing of others more easily than you can in your own. and more if you can assemble them into coherent passages. In this lesson. historians must study not only age-old differences of ethnicitv and religion. economic. almost immature. Even if that idea needs all those fifty-three words (it doesn't). I focus on how to write sentences that are not only long and complex but clear and shapely. but all the other social. But if you can't write a clear sentence longer than twenty words or so. Many have claimed that the sources of conflict are age-old differences in cthnicity or religion. this sentence: In addition to differences in ethnicity or religion that have for centuries plagued Sunnis. thing like this: ~ We need some- To explain why Sunnls. you cannot communicate every complex idea in a short one: you have to know how to write a sentence that is both long and clear. Shiites. That sentence is forty-one words long. DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION As with other issues of style. Shiites. But that sentence is choppy.132 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace UNDERSTANDING THE SHAPE OF SENTENCES If you can write clear and concise sentences. and Kurds distrust one another today. Despite those who advise against long sentences. So it can't be length alone that makes a sentence ungainly. and Kurds. Compare these two sentences: A new sales initiative that has created a close integration between the garden and home products departments has made significant improvements to the services that Acme offers. • It takes readers too long to get to the verb in the MAIN CLAUSE. lurches from one part to the next. your readers are. Start by putting a slash mark after every period and question mark. like this one. seems to stop and start.Lesson 8 Shape 133 I to diagnose your prose in ways that sidestep your intractable subjectivity. So it is not just a short. easily grasped point in an opening . they have to slog through a shapeless sprawl of tacked-on SUBORDINATE CLAUSES. Readers get a sense of shapeless length from four things: • The sentence docs not begin with its point. concrete subjects followed by a specific verb.lIf in reading one of your long sentences you feel that you are about to run out of breath beforc you come to a placc where you can pause to integrate all of its parts into a whole that communicates a single conceptual structure [breathe]. I: The second seems clearer for all the reasons we've discussed: it opens with a short. • They are stopped by one interruption after another. That short. Making the Point Clear Here is a basic principle of style: Readers want a sentence to begin with a segment that is short. as this one does. concrete subject followed by a verb naming a specific action. clear./Or if your sentence. we've focused on short. i I. crisp point is then followed by details that support and explain it. It now opens with a short main clause that states its point: Acme has improved its services./Then pick out sentences longer than two lines and read them aloud. • After the verb. if they are typical. concrete subject that readers look for. Iikcly to judge that your sentence. you have found a sentence. So far. But we can extend that pri nciplc. . But the revised sentence does something else for readers. that your readers would likely want you to revise. and easy to grasp. because of one interrupdon after another./ Acme has significantly improved its services with a new sales initiative that closely integrates the garden and home products departments. they also look for a short. Compare these. then add to it the longer. we have to read and understand seventeen words while holding in mind that we have yet to reach the main subject and verb. You can't break out a point in every sentence. the statement that you most want readers to grasp quickly and surely. 2. because as we read them. But when you write a long. more complex material. look for its point.134 Style: Lessons ill Claritv and Grace main clause that the rest of the sentence expands on. Get to the subject of the main clause quickly. Here are two rules of thumb about beginning a sentence: 1. we get past the subject and verb of the first clause in just three words: Since most undergraduate students change their major fields of study at least once duting their college careers. we have to keep in mind that the subject and verb of a main clause are still to come. In the second. Avoid beginning more than a few sentences with long introductory PHRASES and clauses. and that load on our memory hinders easy understanding. Get to the verb and OBJECT quickly. develops. Rule of Thumb I: Get to the subject quickly We have a problem with sentences that open with long introductory phrases and clauses. put it at the beginning of its sentence. Avoid long. should not load up. That's the first step in writing a well-shaped sentence. first-year students who are not certain about their program of studies should not load up their schedules to meet requirements for a particular program. or supports. In the first. Revising Long Openings Some sentences seem to take forever to get started: Since most undergraduate students change their fields of study at least once during their college careers. When you rind it. complex sentence. especially when the sentence is short. many more than once. i- That sentence takes thirty-one words to get to its main verb. abstract subjects and interruptions between subjects and verbs and between verbs and their objects. [irst-vear students who are not certain about the program of studies they want to pursue I 51 I . If you find a long subject eight words) including NOMIl'CALlZAI'10NS. because ifclauses usually refer to ideas already known and so must appear early in a sentence (see pp. " it into a sentence Occasionally. tI First-year students SHOULD KOT LOAD UP their schedules with requirements for a particular program if they are not certain about the program of studies they want to pursue. because most CHANGE their major fields at least oncc dur-ing their college careers. tI Abco Inc. you have to start a sentence with a subordinate clause. If you open with a long introductory end of its sentence or turning clause. try ization into a verb and finding a subject for Ahco [nco's understanding of the drivers of its profitability in the Asian market for small electronics helped it pursue opportunities in Africa. 38-39): WHOLE Revise Long Subjects into Short Ones SUBJECTS. try moving it to the of its own. • keep subjects short • avoid interrupting the subject-verb connection • avoid interrupting the verb-object connection Start by underlining (more than seven or turning the nominalit (review pp. . .Lesson 8 SHOULD Shape 135 ~OT LOAD UP their schedules to meet requirements for a particular program. especially if it's an if~clause. we must guarantee the security of nations wanting to arm themselves against their neighbors. Therefore. A subject can also be long if it includes a long RELATIVE CLAUSE: A company that focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs IS likely to earn the loyalty of its employees. 76-77): tI If we are to limit this spread of nuclear weapons. was able to pursue opportunities in Africa because it understood what drove profitability in the Asian market for small electronics. Rule of Thumb 2: Get past the verb and object quickly Readers also want to get past the main subject to its verb and object. That because-clause after the subject forces us to hold our mental breath until we reach the verb. '" A company is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees when it focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for htgher-level jobs. Such companies employees. It is a kind of style filled with passives and . But if the introductory clause turns out to be as long as that one... try moving it to the end of its sentence.level jobs. perhaps. because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective. . are likely to earn the loyalty of their Avoid Interrupting frustrate readers the Subject. do not easily communicate with laypeople. like this: Some scientists. '" Some scientists do not easily communicate with laypeople because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective. Move the interruption to the beginning or end or its sentence. it is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees. Or better yet. depending on whether it connects more closely to what precedes or follows it.136 Stvle: LeSSO/1S in Clarity and Grace Try turning the relative clause into an introductory clause beginning with when or it: subordinate '" When a company focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher . turn it into a sentence of its own. they do not easily communicate with Iaypeople.. This lack of communication damages . Verb Connection the connection You also between a when you interrupt subject and verb... especially if (1) the main clause is short and the point of the sentence and (2) the moveable clause expresses newer and more complex information that supports or elaborates on the preceding main clause. do not easily communicate. '" Because some scientists write in a style that is impersonal and objective. '" Some companies focus on hiring the best personnel and then train them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs later. read most easily when quickly get them to the subject of your main clause then past that subject to its verb and object. depending on what comes next: .Lesson 8 Shape 137 We mind short interruptions ... long subjects./ We must develop a core of knowledge about the state of the art in effective industrial organizations if we are to compete with other companies in our region. This sentence doesn't let us do that: We must develop. put the newest and most important information that you want your reader to remember at its end. An exception: When a prepositional phrase you can move is shorter than a long object. Increasing competition . a core of knowledge regarding the state of the art in effective industrial organizations. Move the interrupting element to the beginning or end of its sentence. we must develop a core of knowledge about the state of the art in effective industrial organizations. if we are to become competitive with other companies in our region.. Such organizations provide . II . try putting the phrase between the verb and object: In a long sentence. . ./ In a long sentence. less: write in a style that is impersonal and Avoid interrupting the verb-object connection We also like to get past the verb to its object quickly. Here's the point: I ./ Some scientists deliberately objective. Avoid long introductory phrases and clauses../ If we are to compete with other companies in our region. put at its end the newest and most important information that you want your reader to remember. and interruptions between subjects and verbs and between verbs and objects. 138 Style: Lessons in Claritv and Grace Exercise 8.1 These sentenceshave long introductory phrasesand clauses.Revise. Try to open your revised sentence with its point. 1. Since workfare has not yet been shown to be a successful alternative to welfare because evidence showing its ability to provide meaningful employment for welfare recipients is not yet available, those who argue that all the states should make a full-scale commitment to workfare are premature in their recommendations. 2. While grade inflation has been a subject of debate by teachers and administrators and even in newspapers, employers looking for people with high levels of technical and analytical skills have not had difficulty identifying desirable candidates. 3. Although one way to prevent foreign piracy of videos and CDsis for criminal justice systemsof foreign countries to move cases faster through their systems and for stiffer penalties to be imposed, no improvement in the level of expertiseof judges who hear these casesis expected any time in the immediate future. 4. Since school officials responsible for setting policy about school security have said that local principals may require students to pass through metal detectors before entering a school building, the need to educate parents and students about the seriousness of bringing onto school property anything that looks like a weapon must be made a part of the total package of school security. S. If the music industry ignores the problem of how a rating system applied to offensive lyrics could be applied to music broadcast over FM and AM radio, then even if it were Willing to discuss a system that could be used in the sale of music in retail stores, the likelihood of any significant improvement in its image with the public is nil. These sentences have long subjects.Revise. 6. Explaining why Shakespeare decided to have Lady Macbeth die off stage rather than letting the audience see her die hasto do with understanding the audience's reactions to Macbeth's death. 7. An agreement by the film industry and by television producers on limiting characters using cigarettes, even if carried out, would do little to discourage young people from smoking. 8. A student's right to have accessto his or her own records, including medical records, academic reports, and confidential comments by advisers,will generally take precedence over an Lesson 8 Shape 139 institution's desire to keep records private, except when limitations of those rights under specified circumstances are agreed to by students during registration. These sentences are interrupted. correct the interruption. First, eliminate wordiness, then 9. The construction of the Interstate Highway System, owing to the fact that Congress, on the occasion when it originally voted funds for it, did not anticipate the rising cost of inflation, ran into serious financial problems, 10. Such prejudicial conduct or behavior, regardless of the reasons offered to justify it, is rarely not at least to some degree prejudicial to good order and discipline. 11. TV "reality" shows, because they have an appeal to our fascination with real-life conflict because of our voyeuristic impulses, are about the most popular shows that are regularly scheduled to appear on TV. 12. Insistence that there is no proof by scientific means of a causal link between tobacco consumption and various disease entities such as cardiac heart diseases and malignant growth, despite the fact that there is a strong statistical correlation between smoking behavior and such diseases, is no longer the officially stated position of cigarette companies. 13. The continued and unabated emission of carbon dioxide gas into the atmosphere, unless there is a marked reduction, will eventually result in serious changes in the climate of the world as we know it today. I i! I.' r! \.:' i I " Reshaping Sprawl Once readers see the point of a sentence in an uninterrupted subject-verb-object clause, they can deal with longer, more complex chunks of information that follow. But they don't want to slog through sprawl like this: Of the many areas of science important to our future, few are more promising than genetic engineering. which is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself, which are the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts that constitute our bodies. II 140 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace A sentence sprawls when after its verb and object, it tacks on a series of subordinate clauses of the same kind. It looks like this: Of the many areas of science important to our future, [opening phrase] few are more promising than genetic engineering, [subject-verb core} which is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself, [tacked-on relative clause] which are the genes and chromosomes [tacked-on relative clause] that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts [tacked-on relative clause] that constitute our bodies. [final tacked-on relative clause} Diagnose this problem by having someone read your prose aloud. If your reader hesitates, stumbles over words, or runs out of breath before getting to the end'of a sentence, so will your silent reader. You can revise in three ways: 1. Cut. Try reducing some of the relative clauses to phrases by deleting who/that/which + is/was, etc.: .I Of the many areas of science important to our future, few are more promising than genetic engineeri.ng,· kies is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself, ,ckisk aFe the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts that constitute our bodies. Occasionally, you have to rewri te the remaining verb into an -ing form: The day is coming when we will all have numbers that will identify our financial transactions so that the IRS can monitor an activities that involve economic activity . ./ The day is coming when we will all have numbers tkal .. m identifying our financial transactions so that the IRS can monitor an activities #tQl. involving economic activity. 2. Turn subordinate clauses into independent sentences • ./ Many areas of science arc important to our future, but few are more promising than genetic engineering. It is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself, the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts that constitute our bodies. If none of that works, you have to do some major restructuring. Lesson 8 Shape 141 3. Change clauses to modifying phrases. You can write a long sentence but still avoid sprawl if you change relative clauses to one of three kinds of APPOSITlVES, resumptive sumrnative, or free. You have probably never heard of these terms before, but they name stylistic devices you have read many times and so should know how to use. Resumptive Modifiers These two examples contrast a relative clause and a resumptive modifier: Since mature writers often use resurnptive modifiers to extend a line of thought, we need a word to name what I have not done in this sentence, which I could have ended after the word sentence but extended to show you a relative clause attached to a' noun . ./ Since mature writers often use resumptive modifiers to extend a line of thought, we need a word to name what I am about to do in this sentence, a sentence that I could have ended at that comma, but extended to show you how resumptive modifiers work. The boldface resumptive modifier repeats a key word, sentence, and rolls on. To create a resumptive modifier, find a key NOUN just before the tacked-on clause, then pause after it with a comma: Since mature writers often usc resumptivc modifiers to extend a line of thought, we need a word to name what I am about to do in this sentence, Then repeat the noun: Since mature writers often use resurnptive modifiers to extend a line of thought, we need a word to name what r am about to do in this sentence, a sentence ... J i Then to that repeated word add a restrictive relative clause heginning with that: Since mature writers often use rcsumpuvc modifiers to extend a Iinc of thought, we need a word to name what I am about to do in this sentence, a sentence that I could have ended at that comma, but extended to show you how resumptive modifiers work. You can also resume with an ADJECTIVE or verb. In that case, you don't add a relative clause; you just repeat the adjective or verb and continue: tu 'I I 142 Style: Le.SS()!lS in CZar/I)' and Grace ./ It was American writers who found a voice that was both true and lyrical, true to the rhythms of the working man's speech and lyrical in its celebration of his labor . .I All who value independence should resist the trivialization of gov- crnrnent regulation, resist its obsession with administrative tidiness and compulsion to arrange things not for our convenience but for theirs. Summative Modifiers Here are two sentences that contrast relative clauses and summative modifiers. Notice how the which in the first one feels "tacked on": Economic changes have reduced Russian population growth to Jess than zero, which will have serious social implications . .I Economic changes have reduced Russian population growth to less than zero, a demographic event that will have serious social implications. To create a summative modifier, end a grammatically segment ora sentence with a comma: complete Economic changes have reduced Russian population growth to less than zero, Find a term that sums up the substance of the sentence so far: Economic changes have reduced Russian population growth to less than zero, a demographic event ... Then continue with a restrictive relative clause beginning with that: • Economic changes have reduced Russian population growth to less than zero, a demographic event that will have serious social implications. Free Modifiers Like the other modifiers, a free modifier can appear at the end of a clause, but instead of repeating a key word or summing up what went before, it comments on the subject of the closest verb: .I Free modifiers resemble resumptive and summative modifiers, letting you [i.c., the free modifier lets you] extend the line of a sentence while avoiding a train of ungainly phrases and clauses. but they can also begin with a PAST PARTrCIPLE verb. most benefit from instruction in the basics of writing graceful sentences . We call these modifiers end a sentence: freebecause they can both begin and . in 1939 we began ./ Aware that we faced another world war. but most benefit from instruction in the basics of writing graceful sentences..esson 8 Shape 143 Free modifiers usually begin with an -ing PRESENT PARTICIPLE. driven by [i. as those did. do t add one phrase or clause Particularly avoid tacking one relative onto another..e.. . we began to assist the British against Germany. 'Cpoint: When you have to write a long sentence.e. without the help of direct teaching or models of good prose.. we were aware] that we faced another world war. curiosity A free modifier can also begin with an adjective: . without the help of direct teaching or models of good prose.T./ In 1939./ Leonardo cia Vinci was a man of powerful intellect. QUICK TIP: Some long sentences can easily be divided in two. . Leonardo was driven by1 an insatiable and haunted by a vision of artistic perfection. Drop the although and begin the following clause with but or however: . Try extending the line of a sentence umptive. aware [i. and free modifiers. ./ Although some writers wr-ite well on their own. summative./ Driven by an insatiable curiosity.. The easiest is a sentence with a long opening although-clause. Leonardo da Vinci was ./ Some writers write well on their own. like this: .. Coordination is the foundation of a gracefully shaped sentence. -Eva Hoffman./ For the aspiring artist. .144 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace easy one is a sentence with a long opening sinceclause. It's harder to create good coordination than good modifiers. unfinished work which was botched may be an Instructive model for how things should be done. "Minor Art Offers Special Pleasures" My revision sprawls through a string or tacked-on clauses: work The aspiring artist may find that even a minor. without the help of direct teaching or models of good prose. therefore. such works are the daily fare which may provide good. such works arc the daily fare which provide good. honest nourishment. while for the amateur spectator. the unfinished. honest nourwhich can lead to appreciation of more refined. while for the amateur spectator. 4. Another . . Drop the since and begin the next clause with so. For the amateur spectator. or even the botched work. . unfinished which was botched may be an instructive model for how things should be done. may be an instructive model for how things should-and should not-be done. as a result. or some other such connector . most first-year college students would benefit from a course in composition . the original is second: The aspiring artist may find that even a minor. which can lead to an appreciation of deeper pleasures that are also more refined. My version is first. Coordinate. which can lead to an appreciation of deeper pleasures that are also more refined . without the help of direct teaching or models of good prose./ Few writers write well on their own. such works are the daily fare which may provide good. honest nourishment. but when done well./ Since few writers write well on their own. it's more graceful. so most first-year college students would benefit from a course in composition. or ishment-and deeper pleasures. the minor. Compare these. . . . You can hear it if you read this next sentence aloud: We should devote a few final words to a matter that reaches beyond the techniques of research to the connections between those subjective values that reflect our deepest ethical choices and objective research. it looks like this: .Lesson 8 Shape 145 Hoffman's original gets its shape from its multiple coordinations. Structurally. That second sentence in particular shows how elaborate coordination can get. the daily fare which can lead to appreciation and mo re relined. For the amateur spectator. :~::~~~~~hed. Structurally. or deeper } 01 { pleasures. :1 I ! That sentence seems to end too abruptly with objective research. A General Design Principle: Short to Long We should note a feature that distinguishes well-formed coordination. or { even the botched should and should not { an instructive model for how things } be done.I . between { those subjective values that reflect our} deepest ethical choices and objective research. it looks like this: For the aspiring artist. } which provide { honest nourishment-c. . such works are goo d . (nteither X (nlor Y. try to order the e e to longer. Read this onc aloud: . Compare these: . QUICK CORRELATIVE CONJUNCTIONS: You can emphasize a coordination with both X and Y.I Great Britain is a good trading partner and a reliable ally in TIP: the war against terrorism .'When you Cancoordinate. not only X but Y.I We should devote a few final words to a matter that reaches beyond the techniques of research to the connections between objective research and those subjective values that reflect our deepest ethical choices and strongest intellectual commitments. from simpler to so that they go from complex. . between those subjective values that reflect our and { deepest ethical ChOices} and strong~st intellectual commitments. it looks like this: objective research t/ ./ Great Britain is both a good trading partner and a reliable ally in the war against terrorism. A characteristic of especially elegant prose is how its writers elaborate all these devices for extending the line of a sentence. Here's the point: Coordination you extend the line a sentence more gracefully than by tacking on one el another. . especially balanced coordination. I will discuss those devices and their elaboration in Lesson 9... Structurally.146 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace This next revision moves from shorter to longer by reversing the two coordinate elements and by adding a parallelism to the second one to make it longer still. Lesson 8 Shape 147 When you use one of these conjunctions.I When you punctuate carefully. Exercise 8. create resumptive. we could meet our energy needs with solar power. but enhance your own image as a good writer. nominalizations. needs that will soar as our population grows.2 In these sentences. wordiness. not only. For example: Within ten years. . but you enhance your own image as a good writer. But before you begin adding resumptive and summative modifiers. however. and other problems. Then use the word in brackets to create another sentence with a summative modifier. be sure to put the and. [a possibility] Resumptive: . edit these sentences for redundancy./ Within ten years. Free: . In the first five. but. you not only help readers understand a complex sentence more easily. a possibility that few anticipated ten years ago. not only precedes the verb while the but precedes its subject: When you punctuate carefully. we could meet our energy needs with solar power. we could meet our energy needs with solar power. In the first sentence below./ Within ten years. summative. Summative: . start a resumptive modifier with the word in boldface. or (ntor) before a word that is coordinate with what follows the both. we could meet our energy needs with solar power. freeing ourselves of dependence on foreign oil. you not only help readers understand a complex sentence more easily. They should precede the same part of speech: ./ Within ten years. and (n)either. and free modifiers. {a change] 2. imitating the Eva Hoffman passage (p. Many who lived during the period of the Vietorian era were appalled when Darwin put forth the suggestion that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes. 8. [a challenge] 3. In the period known to scholars and historians as the Renaissance. [an event] 6. sentences can still go wrong. Many different school systems are making a return back to traditional education in the basics. Exercise 8.148 Stvle: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 1. automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent- type quality control requirements. Try imitating any of the passages laid out above. The reasons for the cause of aging are a puzzle that has per- plexed humanity for millennia. [a failure] 5. 144-145). you might write this: For the seriousstudent. Within the period of the last few years or so. the library sometimes provides a chance to be alone and to think through problems that may be too complex or too painful to think about in a noisy and crowded dormitory. The majority of young people in the world of today cannot even begin to have an understanding of the insecurity that a large number of older people had experienced during the period of the Great Depression. 7. The successful accomplishment of test-tube fertilization of embryos has raised many issuesof an ethical nature that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople.increasesin affluence and stability in the area of political affairs had the consequence of allowing streams of thought of different kinds to merge and flow together. The field of journalism has to an increasing degree placed its focus on the kind of news stories and events that at one time in our history were considered to be only gossip of a salacious and sexual nature. [a mystery] 4. For example. long Even when you manage their internal structures. You can find other examples in famous speechesand dictionaries of quotations. Troubleshooting Long Sentences though. .3 The best way to learn coordination is by imitating it. . recommends { and reorganizing the division to reflect .. Orto this: revising the curriculum to recognize . readers may feel you have created an offensive lack of PARALLELISM.. The committee recommends { } } They would correct that to this: that the curriculum to recognize . I: I I I I . } ".. Careful writers coordinate a noun phrase with a how-clause: the problems of education in developing nations ".. we coordinate elements only of the same grammatical structure: clause and clause. We will attempt to delineate and how coordinated efforts can address them in economical ways. Careful writers avoid this: revising the cuniculum to recogni ze trends in local employment and that the division be reorganized to reflect the new cuniculum... When you coordinate different grammatical structures. .I:: Lesson R Shape 149 Faulty Grammatical Coordination Ordinarii}. PREPOSITIONAL PHRASE and prepositional phrase... and so on. However. be revised and that the division be reorganized to reflect . some nonparallel coordinations do occur in wellwritten prose..... Careful readers do not blink at either.. and J { with the help of many. and that they do not understand that one day they ./ Teachers should remember that students are vulnerable to ego-bruising moments that adults ignore and that they do not understand that one day .. We sense a flicker of hesitation about where to connect: . carefully.... Those ands obscure the relationships among those claims: . but it will not be solved simply by grading harder. Unfortunately. Faulty Rhetorical Coordination We respond to coordination best when the elements are coordinate not only in grammar but in thought. I can't tell you how to recognize when elements are not coordinate in thought. To revise a sentence like that. Unclear Connections Readers are also bothered by a coordination so long that they lose track of its internal connections and pronoun references.150 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace ADVERB They coordinate an with a prepositional phrase: "The proposal appears to have been written quickly. and it leads to a devaluation of good grades earned by hard work and will not be solved simply by grading harder. Some inexperienced writers coordinate by just joining one element to another with and: Grade inflation is a problem at many universities. 1 . because it devalues good grades that were earned by hard work. shorten the first half of the coordination so that you can start the second half closer to the point where the coordination began: ../ Grade inflation is a problem at many universities. Teachers should remember that students are vulnerable and uncertain about those everyday ego-bruising moments that adults ignore and that they do not understand that one day they will become as confident and as secure as the adults that bruise them. Ambiguous Modifiers Another problem with modifiers is that sometimes readers are unsure what they modify: Overtaxing oneself in physical activity too frequently results in injury./ In recent years. to remember thal they do not understand that . "'[' II Here's thepoint: Even well-constructed long sentences can give readers a problem if they can't connect the second part of a coordination to its starting point or if they are unsure about what a phrase actually modifies. . chatting with their neighbors ./ Overtaxing oneself too frequently in physical activity results in injury. ./ Scientists have learned that in recent years their ./ Overtaxing oneself in physical activity results too frequently in injury. Intrinsic Sense You can use these devices to shape a long yet clear sentence. but not even the best syntax can salvage incoherent content.. . This next sentence appeared in a Sunday New }brk Times travel section.. What happens too frequently. .. A modifier at the end of a clause can ambiguously modify either a neighboring or a more distant phrase: Scientists have learned that their observations those in any other field in recent years. repeat a word that reminds the reader where the coordination began (thereby creating a resumptive modifier): ..Lesson 8 Shape 151 If you can't do that.1 n I: I ! !. I . The sentence before it had introduced the professional women of Amsterdam's red-light district: They are so unself-conscious about their profession that by day they can be seen standing naked in doorways... are as subjective as We can move the modifier to a less ambiguous position: . scientists have learned that ./ Teachers should try to remember that students are vulnerable to egobruising moments that adults ignore. overtaxing or injuries? We can make its meaning unambiguous by moving 100 [requently: . . 'i j I . If you do. There are two general conventions about the length of quotations: • Insert four or fewer quoted lines into your running text . see pp. But while the syntax is graceful. and a panoramic view of the city from its This syntactically clause: well-formed sentence opens with a coherent They are so unself-conscious about their profession that by day they can be seen standing naked in doorways ... • Set off five or more lines as an indented block.l. which offers Saturday carillon concerts at tower in summer. states. introducing it with something like Smith sa. } . claims.152 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace in the shadow of the Oudckerstoren Church. chatting with their neighbors in the shadow of the Oudekerstoren Church . which offers { and a panoramic view of the city from its tower in summer.. put a comma after the introductory word and capitalize . t54-155. WEAVING QUOTATIONS INTO YOUR TEXT If you use quotations in your text..) four or Fewer Lines Drop in the Quotation An acceptable but artless way to insert a quotation into your text is simply to drop it in. and so on..M. the movement of ideas is goofy (or evidence of a sly sense of humor). It continues with a free modifier: . you are likely to write long sentences. then concludes with a relative clause with a balanced pair of direct objects: Saturday carillon concerts at 4 P.M.vs. so you should know both the formal conventions for quoting and ways to do it gracefully. (For guidance on how to punctuate quotations. 4 P... our "increasingly advcrsarial spirit.Lesson 8 Shape 153 the first letter of the quotation the quotation: only if it was capitalized in Williams said.. boldface." ii I This version both shortens and modifies the quotation to fit the grammar of the writer's sentence: As Tannen says. • You signal deletions with three spaced dots. or underline words in a quotation to emphasize them." If you introduce the quotation with stated that. always add my emphasis or emphasis mine in square brackets: Lipson recommends that when you paraphrase that you "write it down in your own 'words [my emphasis] ." . called ellipses (in printed text such as this one. Deborah Tannen claims that "The increasingly adversartal spirit of our contemporary lives is fundamentally related to a phenomenon that has been much remarked upon in recent years: the breakdown of a sense of community. you can modify its grammar. use four ellipses. personalities.. This sentence quotes the original intact: In The Argument Culture. and then compare your sentence with the author's original. the break down of [our] sense of community. said that. . and habits.. even add a word or two. claimed that.I i . is fundamentally related to . You can italicize." Ii i I ! If you delete a whole sentence or more. "An acceptable hut artless way to insert a quotation into your text is simply to drop it in.. etc" do not usc a comma. so long as you follow these principles: • You don't change its meaning. do not use a comma and do not capitalize the firstleller: He went on to say that "if you introduce the quotation with stated that. but if you do. they are single spaced).. Deborah Tannen treats the male-female polarity "more like ends of a continuum than a discrete dualism:' because the men and women we know display "a vast range of behaviors. said that. etc. claimed that." To make the quotation fit your sentence.." Weave in the Quotation A more graceful way to use a quotation is to weave it into the structure of your own sentence (doing that also helps you incorporate it into your own thinking): In The Argument Culture. • You indicate added or changed words with square brackets. " . punctuate the end of your introductory sentence as you would were you running the block quotation into your text: A good way to avoid paraphrasing too closely is to think of the point you want to get across. As in that example. But you can also let the quotation com pie te the grammar of your introductory sentence. followed by a period or colon. Write it down in your own words (with a citation) and then compare your sentence to the author's original. If the quotation and your sentence both end in a period.. "I am not a crook. Never begin a quotation in your running text and complete it in a block quotation.. Punctuation with Quotation Marks Here are four principles for using punctuation with quotation marks: 1. put one period before the quotation mark: President Nixon said. Write it down in your own words (with a citation) and then compare your sentence to the author's original. Indent the same number of spaces as you indent a paragraph. like this: A good way to avoid paraphrasing too closely is to "think of the point you want to get across. If they contain several identical words or merely substitute a couple of synonyms. introduce most block quotations with words that announce it. If they contain several . pUI the quotation into a block quotation (with no quotation marks around it).. If they .. Write it down in your own words (with a citation) and then compare your sentence to the author's original. if the quotation begins with a paragraph indentation. indent the first line again: Lipson offers this advice about paraphrase: So. what's the best technique for rephrasing a quote? Set aside the other author's text and try to think of the point you want to get across. In that case. rewrite yours.154 Style: LeSSO/lS in Clarity and Grace Five Lines or More If you quote five lines or more. ideally not with a whimper but at least a small thump. In the next lesson. begin it so that readers can get through relatively short introductory phrases and clauses. we looked into the matter of STRESS. or semicolon." The Old West served up plenty of "rough justice": lynchings and other forms of casual punishment were not uncommon. semicolon. • If your punctuation is a question mark. put it after the final quotation mark: My first bit of advice is "Quit complaining". or colon. If the quotation ends with a question mark or exclamation point and your sentence ends in a period. drop your period and put the question mark before the quotation mark: Freud famously asked. replace it with whatever punctuation you need in your own sentence . so you must also guide readers toward the emphasis you want them to hear. But every sentence has to end. then past a short subject to its verb. If you use quotation marks inside a quotation. . comma or period before both of the marks: put your She said "I have no idea how to interpret 'Ode to a Nightingale. • If your punctuation is a period or comma. "What do women want?" 3. HO\v many law professors believe in "natural law"? Was it Freud who famously asked! "What do women want"? I. colon.''' A LAST PRINCIPLE To keep a long sentence from sprawling. In Lesson 6. Following that verb. readers can make their way through subordinated and coordinated clements (usually arranged from shorter to longer). my second is "Get moving. If the quotation ends in a comma. put it before a final quotation mark: Falwell claimed.Lesson 8 Shape 155 2. "This is the end. I discuss some of the ways that writers can end sentences in especially emphatic ways." but he was wrong . 4. shift it to the end of . Avoid long subjects. 2. ./ When a company focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs later. . many more than once. Revise them into their own independent clauses: Since most undergraduate students change their major fields of study at least once during their college careers. If the new introductory its sentence: clause is long. so first-year students should not load up their schedules with requirements for a particular program if they are not certain about the program of studies they want to pursue./ A company is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees when it focuses on hiring the best personnel . . it is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees./ Acme has significantly improved its customer services with a new sales initiative that closely integrates the garden and home products departments. Get quickly to the subject. Avoid long introductory phrases and clauses./ Most undergraduate students change their major fields at least once during their college careers. .156 Style: LeSSOIlS in Clarity and Grace SUMMING Up Here are the principles for giving sentences a coherent shape: 1. Revise a long subject into an introductory subordinate clause: A company that focuses on hiring the best personnel and then trains them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs is likely to earn the loyalty of its employees . Open the sentence with its point in a short main clause stating the key claim that you want the sentence to make: A new sales initiative that has created a close integration between the garden and home products departments has made significant improvements to the customer services that Acme offers . . b. then to the verb and its object: a. . first-year students who are not certain about the program of studies they want to pursue should not load up their schedules to meet requirements for a particular program . few are more promising than genetic engineering. It is a kind of style filled with passives . do not easily communicate with Iaypeople. It is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself./ Some scientists because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective. which is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself. which are the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts that constitute our bodies. but few are more promising than genetic engineering.. 3. . they do not easily communicate with laypeople. few are more promising than genetic engineering. which are the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts that constitute our bodies./ Of the many areas of science that aFe important to our future. because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective. and verbs and objects. Avoid interrupting subjects and verbs.. II' Many areas of science are important to our future. II' Because some scientists write in a style that is impersonal and objective. INkiek is a new way of manipulating the elemental structural units of life itself. do not easily communicate with Iaypeople .. avoid adding one subordinate clause to another to another to another .. This lack of communication damages . Move the interrupting element to either the beginning or end of the sentence. Such companies are likely to eam the loyalty of their employees. depending on what the next sentence is about: Some scientists. . After the main clause. a. I'll 'II I "ll' II' . "RieR are the genes and chromosomes that tell our cells how to reproduce to become the parts fR. . c.Lesson 8 Shape 157 Or just break it out in a sentence of its own: II' Some companies focus on hiring the best personnel and then train them not just for the work they are hired to do but for higher-level jobs later.. Trim relative clauses and break the sentences into two: Of the many areas of science that are important to our future.M constituting our bodies. . an achievement that only a decade ago was considered an impossible dream . "The female-male polarity. again by Freud. . Instead or just dropping a quotation into a paragraph. ./ Summative: American productivity has risen to new heights. but more often you cannot represent it in that kind of sentence./ Free: c. the material conditions of their daily existence have changed greatly too . 5." ./ Resumptive: surnrnative. Global warming will become issue of the twenty-first questions whose answers standard of living in every a central political century. is more like ends of a continuum than a discrete dualisrn. and free When we discovered the earth was not the center of the universe.'? ./ It is sometimes possible to represent a complex idea in simple sentences. raising will affect the Westem nation./ No civilization has experienced such rapid alterations in their spiritual and mental lives and in the material conditions of daily existence. modifiers: . . an understanding changed again by Darwin. working it into the flow or your sentences: try In The Argument Culture Deborah Tannen says. Deborah Tannen treats the male-female polarity "more like ends of a continuum than a discrete dualism. though real. bUL more often you cannot.158 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace b. and again by Einstein . Extend a sentence with resumptive./ In The Argument Culture. Coordinate clements that are parallel both in grammar and in sense: Besides the fact that no civilization has experienced such rapid alterations in their spiritual and mental lives. it changed our understanding of who we are. End your sentence with the appropriate Lesson 6): emphasis (review It is sometimes possible to represent a complex idea in simple sentences. 4. and habits.Lesson 8 Shape 159 because the men and women we know display "a vast range of behaviors. personalities." A last note: to write a long complex sentence that is also clear. See the Appendix. i I I ) . you may need punctuation to help your reader through it. replied "Sin. replied "He was against it." he was brief enough.Lesson 9 Elegance Anything is better than not to write clearly. Coolidge. " and. and wherever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly [ine. I 160 . are only a beginning. By themselves. asked by his wife what the preacher had preached on. though a good beginning. -GEORGE BERNARD SHAW I. strike it out. There is nothing to be said against lucidity. This is a risk well worth taking when you reflect how much better it is to be bald than to wear a curly wig. the struggle of the adept is to get rid oiit. -FRANK L. But one hardly envies Mrs. -SAMUEL JOHNSON I I In literature the ambition ofthe novice is to acquire the literary language. they may remain bare and bleak. When Calvin Coolidge. LUCAS Read over your compositions. -SOMERSET MAUGHAM But clarity and brevity. and against simplicity only the possibility ofdryness. asked what the preacher had said. unless by habit and necessity they have to give and take. A tin ear can distinguish them: passage and my The national unity of a free people depends upon a sufficiently even balance of political power to make it impracticable for the administration to be arbitrary and for the opposition to be revolutionary and irreconcilable. Where that balance no longer exists. But while most of us prefer bald clarity to the density of institutional prose. But even a gift has to be educated and exercised. I second Samuel Jo advice: strike it out. structure. even arid. is about as useful as just knowing the ingredicnts in the bouillabaisse of a great cook. Unfortunately. democracy perishes. but such fare is rarely memorable. however. but the most common balance is based on COORDINATION. A skilled writer can balance almost any parts of a sentence. -Wahcr Lippmann . unless they feel that they can affect policy but that no one can wholly dominate it. Knowing ingredients and knowing how to use them distinguish reading cookbooks and cooking. !I I I Balance and Symmetry What most makes a sentence graceful is a balance and symmetry among its parts. and meaning. Balanced Coordination Here is a balanced revision of it. but give us a flicker of pleasure every time we recall it. I incline toward those who think that the most elegant elegance is disarming simplicity-and so when you think~YOU aV~Wfitten something particularly fine. others feel that relentless simplicity can be dry. there are a few s that can shape a thought in ways that are both elegant and clear. concisely. Nevertheless.Lesson 9 Elegance 161 UNDERSTANDING ELEGANCE Anyone who can write clearly. and coherently should rejoice to achieve so much. Just knowing them. rhythm. freedom cannot be maintained. For unless all the citizens of a state are forced by circumstances to compromise. I can't tell you how to do that. Maybe elegant clarity is a gift. In fact. one echoing another in sound. It has the spartan virtue of unsalted meat and potatoes. then thinking you can make it. A flash of elegance can not only fix a thought in our minds. Where that balance no longer exists. sound. He follows wi th a short concluding sentence whose stressed words are not coordinated. Note how each significant word in one phrase echoes another in its corresponding one (I boldface topics of phrases and italicize stresses): The national unity of a free people depends upon a sufficiently balance of political power to make it impracticable. . and meaning. revolutionary.162 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace The national unity of a free people depends upon a sufficiently for an adeven balance of political power to make it impracticable ministration to be arbitrary against a revolutionary opposition that is irreconcilably opposed to it. freedom cannot be maintained. My sentences lurch from one part to the next. In Lippmann's. and closes by balancing the stressed sounds and meanings of arbitrary. but still balanced (I use square brackets to indicate noncoordinated balance): Where [ that balance no longer exists. If we extend the idea of TOPIC and STRESS from a whole sentence to its parts. we hear one CLAUSE and PHRASE echo another in word order. ] democracy perishes. giving the whole passage an intricate architectural symmetry. we can see how he balances even short segments. democracy perishes. and irreconcilable. and Lippmann balances the phrasal topics of administration and opposition. because unless all the citizens of a state arc habitually forced by necessary circumstances to compromise in a way that lets them affect policy with no one dominating it. even for the administration to be arbitrary and revolutionary } for the opposition to be { irreconcilable. o In the last unless-clause. he concludes with an equally short clause. o He balances the meanings of compromise. balancing many II I ' ! unless all the citizens of a state are forced by circumstances to compromise. o He repeats citizens as the SUBJECTltopicof each clause: all the citizens. and give and take. they. dominate. 'hey (note the PASSIVE in the first one: citizens are forced. and the stressed give against take. freedom cannot be mainta. and the meaning of affect policy against the meaning of dominate it.ined. perishes cannot be maintained For those who notice and care. balance no longer exists-democracy perishes. he balances the meaning of habit against necessity. . the ACTIVE version would have unbalanced the coordination). 'ff'" policy } unless by { habit and } they have to necessity { } give and take.Lesson 9 Elegance 163 . it is an impressive construction. freedom cannot be maintained. o He balances the sound and sense of force against feel. { tha they can For unless they feel but that no one can wholly dominate it. o Then to balance the clauses of that short preceding sentence. whose meaning and structure echo the corresponding pair in the preceding sentence: balance democracy freedom no longer exists I.I Then he creates an especially intricate sounds and meanings: design. affect. those of us who Here. the ] I must eventually answer to the harsh Here a direct object balances the object of a PREPOSITION: I ] Those of us concerned with our school systems will not sacrifice th e intellectual growth of our innocent children [ the social engineering of to incompetent bureaucrats.2b ] Were I trading!" [ short books 3a I would not be writing" on minor subjccts'" for small audfenccs. the PREDICATE of a RELATIVE predicate of the sentence: CLAUSE in a subject balances the A government t hat is unwilling to listen to moderate hopes of its reformers [ justice of its revolutionaries.:" . A more complicated balance: sch olarl y ptinciples-" for financial security. the subject balances the OBJECT: Scientists whose research creates revolutionary views of the universe invariably confuse construct reality from our common-sense experience of it. In this example.164 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Uncoordinated Balance We can also balance structures that are not grammatically coordinate. • a SUBORDINATE CLAUSE CLAIJSE (1a). and small). (3b). minor. . I should cite another device that often appears in elegant prose. • the object in the main clause (3a). 141-143): and summative modifiers . Suppose you begin a sentence like this: In his earliest years. 149-150).1 ii I . Now you have to wonder what else he might have been. Or not have been. an order that would endure in those lands long after Britons retreated to their own shores. Picasso was a master draftsman of the traditional human form. Picasso was not only a master draftsman of the traditional human form. scholarly principles. minor subjects. balances the object in the prepositional phrase (2b). Now try this: In his earliest years. balances objects in two prepositional phrases. but also . they generate it. Were J trading. a view not shared by most mainstream literary critics.. who considered it incoherent rant. small audiences (with the balanced short. short books. one described in Lesson 8-resumptive (pp.I . and (3c). When the poem Howl first appeared. they don't just frame your thinking. ". These patterns even encourage you to think in ways that you might not have otherwise. I would not be writing. !! I The British Empire brought its version of administrative bureaucratic order to societies around the globe. Remember that you usually create the most rhythmical balance when the first element in a balance is shorter than the next ones (see p. financial security. the MAIN • the object of that subordinate clause (2a). balances (1 b)..Lesson 9 Elegance 165 In that sentence. In that sense. rhc "Beats" and other avantgardes celebrated it as a revolutionary critique of the post-war American world. how you end it Light and Heavy Words When we get close to the end of a sentence. nor. but lighter than NOUNS.I Studies into intellectual differences among races is a project that only the most politically naive scientist is willing to support. these patterns can seem merely clever. At the end of a sentence. the New World. . and yet. its clarity. Climactic Emphasis How you begin a sentence determines determines its rhythm and grace. with all its power and } steps forth to { might the rescue and { the liberation } of the old. but used prudently. but. ADJECTIVES and ADVERBS are heavier than prepositions. particularly when two of them are i a coordinate balance. they can emphasize an important point or conclude a line of reasoning with a flourish that careful readers notice. or.. Consider this excerpt from Winston Churchill's "Finest Hour" speech.166 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace Here's the point: The most striking feature of elegant is balanced sentence structures. the heaviest of which are KOMINALIZATIONS.. but you can also balance noncoordinated phrases and clauses. so we may feel a sentence is anticlimactic if it ends on words of slight grammatical or semantic weight. but at the end they provide a satisfyingly climactic thump. You most easily balance part of a sentence against another by coordinating them with and. until in God's good time. prepositions feel light-one reason we sometimes avoid leaving one there. Compare: Studies into intellectual differences among races is a project that only the most politically naive psychologist is willing to give support 10. . we expect words that deserve stress (p. Churchill ended it with a parallelism climaxed by a balanced pair of nouns: . Readers have problems with nominalizations in the subject of a sentence. The rhythm of a sentence should carry readers toward strength. 95). Used to excess. AND the most civlThe frontiers of that extensive lized portion of mankind. the rescue and the liberation of the old. The gentle but powerful inIluence of laws and manners had gradually unified the provinces. monarchy were guarded by ancient renown AND disciplined valour. decent reverence: the Roman senate appeared to ·ith possess the sovereign authority. (These examples are all from Peter Gay's Style in History.Lesson 9 Elegance 167 He could have written more simply. Here arc four ways to end a I. 2. until the New World rescues us. the Roman Empire comprehended the earth's fairest. This seems unlikely. of + heavy word.) . In contrast. this is flat: In the second century AD. as in the first few sentences of Edward Gibbon's History of the Decline and Fall o{the Roman Empire (contrast that title with History of the Roman Empire:" Decline and Fall): ./ I have written these essays to anatomize this familiar yet really strange being.. Ancient renown and disciplined valour guarded its extensive frontiers./ In the second century of the Christian era.. old: . Their peaceful inhabitants enjoyed and abused luxurious wealth while decently preserving what seemed to be a free constitution. style the centaur: the book may be read as an . Appearing to possess the sovereign authority the Roman senate devolved on the emperors all executive governmental powers..... Elegant Stress: Four Devices sentence with special emphasis.. . At the end of a sentence. Their Ii . Look at how Churchill ends his sentence: The light of (followed by a lighter a or the) quickens the rhythm of a sentence just before the stress of the climactic monosyllable. The gentle but powerful influence of laws and manners had gradually cemented the union of the provinces. most civilized part. The image of a free constitution was preserved \. readers hear special emphasis when a stressed word or phrase balances the sound or meaning of an earlier one. and devolved on the emperors all the executive powers of government.I We associate this pattern with self-conscious elegance. but it's true. the Empire of Rome comprehended the fairest part of the earth. Echoing salience. peaceful inhabitants enjoyed AND abused the advantages of wealth AND luxury. and more banally: . to be stylish about style. Now the pattern is not lAIB : 2A2B. but the last three mirror one another: AB CDE : ABEDC: . The word chiasmus is from the Greek word for "crossing.2B Were we seeking a special effect. This device (pronounced kye-AZZ-muss.style shapes. style in substance. on Buffon's famous saying that When we hear a stressed word echo an earlier one. almost inappropriate. but it does not end with a chiasmus.) is interesting perhaps only to those fascinated by the most arcane figures of style. Chiasmus. 2A } can improve not only The next example is more complex." It balances elements in two parts of a sentence. because the elements in thc two parts arc in the same order (1AlB: 2A2B): t/ A concise style can improve both { { our own 1A thinking 1B } and our readers. The first two elements are parallel. For example. but rather IAIB : 2B2A: 1/ A concise style ourown 1A think ing 1B but the understanding 2B of our readers. manner is indissolubly linked to matter. but the second part reverses the order of the elements in the first part. these balances become even more emphatic: '" Apart from a few mechanical tricks of rhetoric. and in turn is shaped by. and stylish in style.2A uHderstandhlg. substance. '" It seems frivolous. 3. shapes in shaped by. this next sentence would be both coordinate and parallel. Gay echoes both the sound and meaning of manner in matter.168 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace extended critical commentary the style is the man. we could reverse the order of elements in the second part to mirror those in the first. you can wind up a sentence with a dramatic climax by ignoring advice offered in Lesson 8. -c-James Fallows. Keep in mind. which itself ends with an of + nominalization. 4. they would make journalism more useful. HC1'e'sthe point: strength. Breaking the News Fallows opens that sentence (the last one in his book.II . End with an echoing salience. that like all such devices. End with a chiasmus. by the way) with three if-clauses. the bigger its bang when you do. where I advised you to open sentences with their point. and themselves far more worthy .i Lesson 9 Elegance 169 I I I' . public life stronger. however. But selfconsciously elegant writers often begin a sentence with a series of parallel and coordinated phrases and clauses just so that they can delay and thereby heighten a sense of climax: If [journalists] held themselves as responsible for the rise of public cynicism as they hold "venal" politicians and the "selfish" public: if they considered that the license they have to criticize and defame comes with an implied responsibility to serve the public-if they did all or any of these things. I [ you A rcspecrf TilE BELJEFS E most deeply held D by your reader. Suspension.P II. the impact of a long suspension is inversely proportional to its frequency of use: the less often you use it. 4. to the end. Finally. You can create a strong 3. Ii A Y OU revealS your own c highest rhetorical D by the way SKILL E ] II' II' . then ends it with a triple coordination ending on its longest member. II1 I'I' I of esteem. I I i I I I I I I! . !:Suuoup. as in this next passage: Far from being locked inside our own skins. we know they are aiming at something special. our unique personalities -aU are simultaneously 'our own" posseSSion) and { the world's. Our intelligence. quite naturally. "New Heaven and New Earth" Here is the anatomy of that passage: Far from being locked inside our own skins. -c-Joyce Carol Oates." a mind in which we share everything that is mental. our cleverness. our wit. we are now able to recognize that our minds belong. to a collective "mind. our wit. quite naturally. a mind in which we share and that the old boundary ofthe skin is boundary at all but a membrane connecting the inner and outer experience of existence. . most obviously language itself. inside the "dungeons" of ourselves. our cleverness. our unique personalities-all are simultaneously "our own" possessions and the world's. 110t Our intelligence. inside the "dungeons" of ourselves.170 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Extravagant Elegance When writers combine all these elements in a single sentence. we are now able to recognize that our minds belong. and that the old boundary of the skin is not boundary at all but a membrane connecting the inner and outer experience of existence." everything thai is mental} most obviously lan~uage { Itself. to a collective "mind. . even the coordinations inside coordinations • the two resumptive modifiers beginning with type and sacrifice That may be over the top. But such patterns can be more elaborate yet. ." a mind in which we share . .. our minds belong . "our own" possessions and the world's. especially the quadruple chiasmus in the last sixteen words: the temporary I sacrifice? of his individual FREEDOM 3 FREEDOM· 3 and his life'. lest that freedom be lost forever. Note too the two nominalizations stressed at the end of the first sentence and the coordinate nominalizations at the end of the second: ..Lesson 9 Elegance 171 In addition to all the coordination. . and for which in time of war he would make sacrifices. to a collective "mind. inside the "dungeons" of ourselves . that be . his ability to adjust differences with good humor. forever". fiers: Far from being locked inside our note the two rcsumptive modi- 0\\-11 skins. . which trusted in the common man.. in his tolerance.o play in a free society and not make him a cog in a machine operated from above. . Here is the last sentence from Frederick Jackson Turner's The Frontier in American History: This then is the heritage of the pioneer experience-a passionate belief that a democracy was possible which should leave the individual a part t. modifier in the opening segment: a passionate • the increased length and weight of the second element in each coordination. Note the following: • the summauve belief that .. even the temporary sacrifice of his individual freedom and his life. and to work type out an American type from the contributions of all nations-a for which he would fight against those who challenged it in arms.. the inner and outer experience of existence . .. . to adjust differences with good humor. Here is the anatomy of that sentence: [summative modifier] . in the common man....172 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace The meaning of temporary balances forever.--. t hiS indiVidual freedom and his life. sacrifice balances lost. You just don't see that kind of sentence any more. in his tolerance. which trusted his ability and to work out an American type from the contributions all nations[resumpuve rnccmer#1} of -e. freedom echoes freedom. a This then is the heritage of the pioneer experiencepassionate belief that a democracy was possible leave the individual in a free society a part to play r: which should and not make him a cog in a machine operated from above..a type for which he would fight against those who challenged it in arms... .. and the sound of life balances lest (not to mention the near rhyme of lest in lost). even the temporary sacrifice of lest that freedom be lost forever. [resumptive modifier #2] . and for which in time of war he would make sacrifices. . finish with something like this: .. given this: Those who keep silent over the loss of small freedoms. and 170. Those who argue stridently over small matters . the adults those children become will . When parents raise children who scorn hard work.. Use models you find here or in sermons.Lesson 9 Elegance 173 Exercise 9. . While the strong are often afraid to admit weakness. will be silenced when they protest the loss of large ones. For example. Think of a subject close to that of the model to make your imitation easy-the academic life. Exercise 9. . . not word for word.. just their general pattern: Survival in the wilderness requires the energy and wit to overcome the brute facts of an uncooperative Nature but rewards the person who acquires that power with the satisfaction of having done it once and with the confidence of being able to do it again. then follow its outline: Life as a college student offers a few years of intellectual excitement but imposes a sense of anxiety on those who look ahead and know that its end is in sight. We should pay more attention to those politicians who tell us how to make what we have better than to those . the weak 3. 2. Some teachers mistake neat papers that rehash old ideas for _.1 You develop a knack for balance by imitating models. 5. 4.. 161. Try imitating the long sentences on pages 144. . . 1. political speeches. and dictionaries of quotations.2 Here are some first halves of sentencesto finish with balancing last halves. Some write short sentences to strike a note of urgency: Toward noon Petrograd again became the field of military action. Not one tendency in our governmental system has brought about more changes in American daily life than federal governmental agencies that are very powerful. The day is gone when school systems' boards of education have the expectation that local taxpayers will automatically go along with whatever extravagant things incompetent bureaucrats decide to do. or much longer. do use the length of a sentence for a purpose. 3. Nuances of Length and Rhythm Most writers don't plan the length of their sentences. Edit them for clarity and concision./ Our interest in paranormal phenomena testifies to the emptiness of our spirits and the shallowness of our minds. the past and the future were exchanging shots. 1. Throughout history. however. I boldface words you might nominalize. particularly with prepositional phrases beginning with of. science has made progress because dedicated scientists have ignored a hostile public that is uninformed. 5. There was much casual firing. 4. rifles and machine guns rang out everywhere. For example: Our interest in paranormal phenomena testifies to the fact that we have empty spirits and shallow minds. It was nol easy to tell who was shooting or where. One thing was clear.174 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Exercise 9. The plan for political campaign was concocted by those who were not sensitive to what we needed most critically.3 These sentences end weakly. . If we invest our sweat in these projects. but that's not a problem. unless every sentence is shorter than fifteen words or so. young . Artful writers. then revise them so that they end on more heavily stressed words. 2. In the first three. we must avoid appearing to work only because we are interested in ourselves. Free? Why I have never been in any country where the individual has such an abject fear of his fellow countrymen. Let us look at this American artist first. Shots rang out on both sides. France may possibly have acquired the intellectual leadership of Europe when their academic period was cut down to 40 minutes. How did he ever get to America. his results are almost impossible to estimate." Real education must ultimately be limited to men who INSIST on knowing.Lesson 9 Elegance 175 boys were shooting off revolvers unexpectedly acquired. the free mob will lynch me. Here. That is empiric professional knowledge. The lecturer's first problem is to have enough words to fill 40 or 60 minutes. Max Eastman Or terse certainty: The teacher or lecturer is a danger. The lecturer is a man who must talk for an hour. ABC o( Reading Or passion. Won by Englishmen who wanted freedom and so stopped at home and fought for it. The attackers decided to break down the fence. as I say. the rest is mere sheep-herding. if I say anything that displeases them. H. like his father before him? Now listen to me. And got it. He very seldom recognizes his nature or his position. D. -Leon Trotsky. The Russian Revolution. They broke down part of it and set Are to the rest. Lawrence breaks what could have been a long paragraph into fragmented outbursts... Freedom of worship? Read the history of New England during the first century of its existence.. The empty barracks were set fire to at once. Freedom anyhow? The land of the free! This the land of the free! Why. dividing the soldiers from the revolution. The bicyclists were concentrated in two or three of them. England had more freedom of worship in the year 1700 than America had. . they arc free to lynch him the moment he shows he is not one of them . -Ezra Pound.. don't listen to him. Which is partly your fault for expecting it. The arsenal was wrecked . Because. The professor is paid for his time. No teacher has ever failed from ignorance. He didn't come in search of freedom of worship. He'll tell you the lie you expect. Teachers fail because they cannot "handle the class. trans. to start with? Why isn't he a European still. But the board fence stood in the way. About twenty barracks came into view.. and that's my freedom. I also have lectured. 176 Style: Lessons ill Clarity (HIdGrace Alltight then. there is a promise of some swift transit . Lawrence. Perhaps least of all in search of freedom of any sort: positive freedom. • He continues the sentence by coordinating free modifiers: arms linked . . staccato phrases to suggest conlusion. -D.. not unlike the sense of freedom which also comes when a marriage is burst-Mailer knew for the first time why men in the front line of battle are almost always ready to die. then the line would undulate about and the other arm would be ahead) speeding up a few steps. ! . • After several more free modifiers. he continues with a resumptive modifier: a love so lacerated . such a sentence is the product not of an overflow of feeling hut of premeditated art. then-and an odor of wood smoke. .. and wavering buckling twisting line of notables. slowing down while a great happiness came back into the day as if finally one stood under some mythical arch in the great vault of history. chop-chop. from where you knew not. Mailer and Lowell walked in this barrage of cameras. loudspeakers. LIpat the front of this March. helicopters buzzing about. that is. monitors. Here is just a piece of one whose sinuous length seems to mirror the con fused progress of a protest march: In any event. what did they come for? For lots of reasons. he adds another rcsumptivc modifier: a smoke ofdignity and some calm heroism .. a love so lacerated he felt as if a marriage were being torn and children lost-never does one love so much as then. . . lit goes on] -Norman Mailer. arms linked (line twisting so much that at times the movement was in file. The Armies of the Night We almost feel we are eavesdropping on Mailer's stream of thought. . . . . and the sense of America divided on this day now liberated some undiscovered patriotism in Mailer so that he' felt a sharp searing love for his country in this moment and on this day. • After another GRAMMATICAL SENTEKCE. one behind. back of that hollow square of monitors.. TV cars. • Mailer opens with short. a smoke of dignity and some calm heroism. Studies in Classic American Literature Self-conscious stylists also write extravagantly long sentences. obviously. But of course. H. was also in the ai r.J speeding up . (line twisting . in the first line. helicopters. one ann locked ahead. crossing some divide in his own mind wider than the Potomac. but he controls them by coordination. don't be reluctant to experiment. But if ccasion auows. But it does not excite us to admire the reach imagination. and Mailer. Pound. if at a certain point the composer exhausts his creative ability and tries to carry on just for the sake of filling in the required space of time. The Meaning of Happiness : I I. rhythm-prose so graced is a achievement. feeling that he has denied the natural rhythm. however much we may like that particular moment of music. on the contrary. This next passage displays all the devices we've but it reaches beyond its grammar to reveal a truth about sure.'~t-about Exercise 9. and that though a pretense of life is being made. Your sentences will vary naturally them in the ways you've seen here. has broken the smooth curve from birth to death. It embeds a figure of speech in a comparison that is metaphorical (I boldface the metaphors): great of its seen. like Mailer's.4 Combine Lawrence and Pound's short sentences into longer ones. Then transform your Lawrence imitation into a Mailer imitation. .. we know that its perpetuation would interrupt and kill the movement of the melody. symmetry.Lesson 9 Elegance 177 the length ot your sentences only if they are all longer than thirty words than fifteen. How do they differ? Imitate the style of Lawrence. Watts. We understand that the beauty of a symphony is less in these musical moments than in the whole movement from beginning to end.I . Th. f I Metaphor Clarity. then we begin to fidget in our chairs. vigor.. and vice versa. Break up Mailer's sentence into shorter ones in the style of Lawrence and Pound. We do not seize hold of a particular chord or phrase and shout at the orchestra to go on playing it for the rest of the evening. If the symphony tries to go on too long. it is in fact a living death. -Alan W. We do this every time we listen to music. Only by expressing the same thought in different styles can you see how different styles can seem to change a thought (a self-conscious chiasmus there). pleaitself The secret of the enjoyment of pleasure is to know when to stop . feeling he has denied the natural rhythm. History consists of a corpus of ascertained facts. however much we like that moment. by the sacred name of Teaching. inscriptions. himself contrasts the "hard core of facts" in history with the "surrounding pulp of disputable interpretation" -forgetting perhaps that the pulpy part of the fruit is more rewarding than the hard core. Metaphor can vivify all kinds of prose. -E. like fish on the fishmonger's slab. and covers up the essential cruelty and unnaturalness of the situation by torturing the children if they do not learn. and cooks and serves them in whatever style appeals to him. and that though he makes a pretense of wholeness. We begin to fidget. Support for those wings is provided by the atmosphere of knowledge created by . We have evolved wings for such flights. Sham Education So do historians: This is what may be called the common-sense view of history. Can. takes them home. It is my small personal attempt to share in the flight of the mind into new realms of our cosmic environment. Those sentences are clear. -George Bernard Shaw. and so on. critical as he was of Acton's attitude. but lack the startling metaphor of birth and its smooth curve into death. which is within the capacity of any fool or blackguard. The facts are available to the historian in documents. . he establishes a child prison. but not of mere fancy. Social critics use it: The schoolmaster is the person who takes the children off the parents' hands for a consideration. engages a number of employee schoolmasters as turnkeys. whose culinary tastes were austere. What Is History? So do biologists: Some of you may have been thinking that.. I have been indulging in a flight of fancy. and calling this process. Acton. That is to say.. in shape of the disciplined scientific imagination. instead of delivering a scientific address. It is a night. . The historian collects them. Sir George Clark. wanted them served plain . nor is it just an individual indulgence. H.178 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Watts could have written this: . we know that its perpetuation would interrupt and spoil the movement of the melody. it is in fact a repeated end. has interrupted the regular movement from beginning to end. so he needs opacity only to provide a quarantine barrier protecting the healthy. The metaphor of birth suggests a traumatic event. a photon always has zero rest mass. a process of invisibly small events. extensional part of a sentence from the infected part. so far can our wings take us in our exploration. The spawning image echoes the metaphor of birth. "New Bottles for Old Wine. as do the metaphors in this passage: Societies give birth to new values through the osmotic flow of daily social interaction. This difference can be glossed over. atmosphere -Julian Huxley." Scientific Arnerican These metaphors serve different ends. it is claimed. Conflicts do not "evolve". "Beyond Belief" And even physicists. We have to be careful that a metaphor does not distort what we want to express.Lesson 9 Elegance 179 human science and learning: so far as this supporting extends. ~! "The Upsilon Particle. emerge from osmotic flow. but new values. but by this point the image is just silly. Dennett. by treating the lepton pair as the offspring of the decay of a short-lived photonlike parent called a virtual photon. -Daniel C. Lederman." Journal of the Royal Anthropological Institute And philosophers: Quine has long professed his skepticism about the possibility of making any sense of the refractory idioms of intentionality. -Leon M. The writer might have expressed himself in literal language more exactly: . Conflicts evolve when old values collide with new./ As we interact in small ways. however. a process that frequently spawns a new set of values that synthesize the conflict into a reconciliation of opposites. when they lack terms for new ideas: Whereas the lepton pair has a positive rest mass when it is regarded as a single particle moving with a velocity equal to the vector sum of the motions of its two components. Dennett and Lederman use their comparisons simply to explain. When we behave according to an old value and someone else according . and maybe to playa bit. as implied by the metaphor of collision. they more often occur in an instant. we gradually create new social values. Shaw and Carr use metaphor to make their language more intense. Nevertheless. But when that perception is not quite right. as in this student example: The classic blitzkrieg relies on a tank. I can only encourage you to accept with good humor survive. a metaphor can seem just silly-Huxley comes close with his wings of inquiry Happing in an atmosphere of knowledge. Here's thepoint: The risk in striving for elegance is that you fail spectacularly and never risk it again. Metaphors can also embarrass us when their buried literal meanings unexpectedly revive. It is a sign of genius. The only way to master them is to keep trying. to destroy the defender's ability to fight by funning amuck [sic] in his undefended rear. It is the one thing that cannot be learned from others. and rbythm • the emphasis of artfully stressed endings Walter Lippmann's passage illustrates all three: The national unity of a free people depends upon a sufficiently even balance of political power to make it impracticable for the administration I . our values may conflict.heavy offensive force. after penetrating his forward defenses. By far the greatest thing is to be a master of metaphor. so when you do. supported by ground-support aircraft. meaning.180 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace to a new one. We all write unfortunate metaphors like that. elegant passages typically have three characteristics that may seem incompatible but are not: • the simplicity of characters as subjects and actions as verbs • the complexity of balanced syntax. don't think you're the only one who has. all SUMMING Up The qualities of elegance are too varied and subtle to capture in a summary. sound. but may create a third value that reconciles the conflict. Aristotle wrote. for a good metaphor implies an intuitive perception of similarity among dissimilars. the compression of a snail is still. . democracy perishes. unless by habit and necessity they have to give and take. I think. Only then can you look at your own prosc and know whcn it is elegant or just inflated. For unless all the citizens of a state are forced by circumstances to compromise. but every clause and even every phrase. You won't acquire an elegant style just by reading this book. You must read those who write elegantly until their style runs along your muscles and nerves. and freedom once each. and unity. the first. He uses only five nominalizations in eighty-eight words: balance twice. necessity. freedom cannot be maintained. Of the many graces of style.Lesson 9 Elegance 181 to be arbitrary and for the opposition to be revolutionary and in-econcilable. Where that balance no longer exists. unless they reel that they can affect policy but that no one can wholly dominate it. To make that distinction. and most of his verbs express key actions. naming his key characters. And he ends not just each sentence with the right stress. I think the only reliable rule is Less is more. Almost all subjccts are short. surnmative. Instead. and free modifiers. Get the point of the sentence up front in a concise main clause. 5. Try balancing parts of sentences against one another. balanced ones if you seek a special effect. especially their last few words. Prune redundancy. • Use resurnptive. • Keep subjects short. • Keep introductory clauses and phrases short. • Coordinate phrases and clauses. • Delete words implied by other words. • Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words. • Don't interrupt the subject-verb connection. we add these four: • Delete words that mean little or nothing. • Replace a phrase with a word. Get to the verb in the main clause quickly. 3 In addition to the principles we laid out in Part Two. 2.182 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace SUMMARY:PART 1. 4. • Change negatives to affirmatives. 3. Avoid extending the line of a sentence by attaching more than one subordinate clause to one of the same kind. . -ANONYMOUS The beginning is half of the whole.PART FOUR Clarity of Form Well begun is half done. -PLATO . -CHARLES DARWIN The formulation of a problem is often more essential than its solution. requires creative imagination and marks real advance in science. but it lakes a creative mind to spot wrong questions. -JOHN DEWEY Looking back. to regard old questions from a new angle. which may be merely a matter ofmathematical or experimental skill. -ANTONY JAY 185 . net. -ALBERT EINSTEP-l The uncreative mind can spot wrong answers.! possibilities. To raise new questions.Lesson 10 Motivating Coherence A problem well-put is half solved.. I think it was more difficult to see what the problems were than to solve them. But a kind of drinking known as "binge" drinking is . college administrators. but what we read seems more dearly written because we engage it so intently. especially at large state universities. We read even more attentively. when we read not just about an interesting topic. and when we are motivated to read attentively.s to fraternity parties." downing several alcoholic drinks quickly until they are drunk or even pass out. we not only read with greater understanding. That introduction offers only a topic. however. For example. See yourself as posing a problem that your readers want to see solved. but about a problem that is important to us-from finding a good job to the origins of life. passing on information that happens to interest you. and researchers. but because you get just one shot at answering that question. you [ace a challenge not just because you must overcome their inclination to ask So what?. The Importance ofIntroductions Often. read this introduction (all these examples are much shorter than typical ones). however.186 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Crace UNDERSTANDING MOTIVES If we are deeply interested in a topic. we will read anything about it we can get our hands on. she may shrug and ask So what? Who cares that college students drink a lot? Contrast that introduction with this one: it tells us why bingeing is not just a topic. In that case. college student. So from the moment you begin to plan a writing project. It has drawn the attention of parents. we don't need persuading to read about its solution. It is a behavior that has been spreading through colleges and universities across the country. but a problem worth our attention: Alcohol has been a big parl of college life for hundreds of years. It once was done mostly by men. When college students go out to relax on the weekend. If so. or even know of.s drink and often drink hard. don't imagine your task as just writing about a topic. many now "binge. From football weekend. That's where you must motivate readers to see your problem as theirs. the problem you write about might not be one that your readers care about. but now even women binge. in the introduction to your document. it does not motivate us to care about it: unless a reader is already interested in the issue. as well. . Bingeing is far from the harmless fun long associated with college life. it has been cited in at least six deaths. We sec a shared context in the second introduction above: Alcohol has been a big part of college life for hundreds of years. It is drinking quickly just to get drunk or even to pass out. it has three parts that appear in most of the introductions that appear in print. shared context BUT a kind of drinking known as "bingen drinking is spreading .. but it has a special role in motivating you to read on: I wanted you to agree with that context just so that I could then challenge It. hut so many do that you may not even be aware of it. From football weekends to fraternity parties) college students drink and often drink hard. solution " I' I. and considerable destruction of property. shared But a kind of drinking known as "binge" drinking is spreading kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them. problem context _ We may not be able to stop bingeing entirely. many injuries. but we must try to control its worst costs by educating students in how to manage its risks. That but signals the coming qualification: . I wanted that small surprise to motivate you to go on reading. . I" effect. I Part 1: Establishing a Shared Context Not all pieces of writing open with a shared context.. drink and often drink hard.. but It turns out "at to be. As short as that introduction is. We may not be able to stop bingeing entirely. but we must try to control its worst costs by educating students in how to manage its risks. Each part has a role in motivating a reader to read on.Lesson 10 Motivating Coherence 187 spreading through our colleges and universities. In the last six months. I '. That particular shared context offers historical background. that you may think you know the whole story. Alcohol has been a big part of college life .. . It is behavior that crosses the line from fun to recklessness that kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them. In other words. The parts are these: Shared Context-Problem-Solution. but you don't. shared context But a kind of drinking known as "binge" . to say. college drinking seems unproblematic. drink hard. . shared context [But a kind of drinking known as "binge" drinking is spreading through our colleges and universities. it can be paragraphs long. The 1\vo Parts of a Problem Problems. situation. it must have two parts: • The first is some condition. Bingeing is far from the harmless fun long associated with college life. are more complicated than they seem. and considerable destruction of property. • The second part of a problem is the consequence of that condition. This opening context can be a single sentence. because it makes them unhappy: the cost of terrorism is injury and death. she will typically introduce the problem with a but or however: Aleohol has been a big part of college life for hundreds of years. where it is called a literature review. the cost of risi ng tui tion is less money for other things or even a lost education. it would be no problem. a survey of what other researchers have said on a topic that the writer will qualify or COIT'eCt.188 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace No opening move is more common among experienced writers: open with a seeming truth. then qualify or even reject it. For readers to think that something is a problem.. many injuries. If rising tuition did not make parents and students unhappy. some open with the second element of an introduction: the statement of a problem. magazines. Part 2: Stating the Problem If tbe writer opens with the shared context. and especially professional journals. it has been cited in at least six deaths. binge drinking. You can find countless examples of it in articles in newspapers. It is behavior that crosses the line from fun to recklessness that kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them. You can identify the cost of a problem if you imagine someone asking So what) after you state the first part of a problem. From football weekends to fraternity parties. in a journal. a cost that readers don't want to pay.] problem We may not be able to . college students drink and often drink hard. It is drinking quickly just to get dmnk or even to pass out.. rising tuition. however. Not every piece of writing opens with this move. In the last six months. its . that they want to eliminate or at least ameliorate. or recurring event: terrorism. as in that example. anything that causes the second part . condition [SO what?1 Bingeing is far from the harmless fun long associated with college life. IIIII . What follows should answer it by stating the cost of the condition. the cause of its costs. so well call it practical. Readers have to see the condition and cost together before they see the whole problem. In the last six months. binge drinking. we'll call it conceptual. If you can't describe those costs to your readers. 'II Practical Problems Binge drinking is an example of a practical problem because its costs make (or at least should make) readers unhappy. at best to eliminate them by eliminating the condition. So what if college students injure or kill themselves? What's that to me? If so. we must do something in the world at least to ameliorate its costs. many injuries. Binge-drinking is a practical problem. It is drinking quickly just to get drunk or even to pass au t. you have to figure out how to make such readers see that those costs affect them. but callous readers might think. But a kind of drinking known as "binge" drinking is spreading through our colleges and universities. they have no reason to care about what you've written (unless they are already interested in the problem).Lesson 10 Motivating Coherence 189 condition. • The other is more commonly written about in the academic world. the cost is death and injury. unemployment. You may think that the costs of a problem like bingeing are too obvious to state. If we can't avoid a practical problem.] cost of the condition The condition part of the problem is binge drinking. Ii . and considerable destruction of property. because there are two kinds of problems that motivate readers in different ways. • One kind of problem is common in the world of practical affairs. It is behavior that crosses the line from fun to recklessness that kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them. If bingeing had no cost. Two Kinds of Problems: Practical and Conceptual But now it gets complicated. You have to write about them differently. But that term names only the condition of the problem. it has been cited in at least six deaths. it would be no problem. We can usually name a practical problem in a word or two: cancer. but instead something we do not know or understand. If winning the lottery made you unhappy. if they knew.190 Style: Le. it would be a practical problem. So what? Well. Conceptual Problems A conceptual problem has the same two parts as a practical one. we don't know how much the universe weighs or why the hair on your head keeps growing but not the hair on your legs. We solve a conceptual problem with information. the cost of a conceptual problem is something more important that we do not understand but want to. is always the same: it is something that we do not know or understand. as a question: How much does the universe weigh? Why does the hair on your head keep growing but the hair on your legsdoesn't? Which is to say.~SOllS in Clariry and Grace Writers outside the academic world address mostly practical problems. with an . The condition of a conceptual problem. and if they do. the two problems are very different. when and how? • Biologists don't know why some hair keeps growing and other hair stops. a condition and its costs. So what? If they knew. what readers don't know. but most writers inside the academic world address conceptual ones. We can express the condition part of a conceptual problem. • The condition of a practical problem is anything that makes a reader unhappy. Think of it like this: • Cosmologists do not know how much the universe weighs. That's the first difference between a practical problem and a conceptual problem: the condition is not potentially anything. It is why students new to academic writing find it so hard to grasp. or end. they might figure out something more important: what is the fate of existence? Will time and space go on forever. however. I know that sounds baffling. But beyond that. • The cost of a practical problem is always unhappiness. because we do not understand the first thing. they might understand something more important: what turns growth on and off? Here is the other difference between practical and conceptual problems: We solve practical problems by gelling readers (or someone) to do something to eliminate or at least ameliorate the costs. .) Part 3: Stating the Solution Practical Problems Some writers aim only at making readers aware that a practical problem exists.. Framing a Conceptual Problem in Writing There are countless ways to frame a conceptual problem. focus on what your readers don't know but should want 10. property damage. They may gesture toward a solution. answer that question. We all understand practical problems because they make us pay a palpable cost. because they don't yet know what others in their field don't know. but they don't try to explain it in any detail. But however you frame your conceptual problem. They end their introduction with the condition of a problem. but want to.. Then imagine them asking So what? To complete the problem. injury. we cal1 al1swer that second.. Shared context: Colleges are reporting that binge drinking is increasing. of specific social situations.And 110W that we know that. then explain its costs in the rest of their document. more important question. it weighs __ -:-~_ . however. We found that . the ul1iverse will (or will 110t) exist.Lesson 1() Motivating Coherence 191 answer to a first question that helps them answer the second question: How much does the universe weigh? Well. But those new to academic research don't know what gaps in understanding make good conceptual problems. we analyzed . shared context Problem: [but its causes are not: Is it a consequence of a personality attracted to risk taking. readers expect that a writer who poses a problem will offer its solution and then .. or some combination? I condition/finn thing not known [SO what? 1 [A better understanding of the causes of bingeing will provide clues to understanding the bigger issue of risk-taking behavior in generaL] cost/second tlting nut known Solution: [In this study. What is the fate of existence? The al1swer is that in 50 billion years or so. Its practical effects are well understood-death. J solution All this is hard to grasp if you're new to the academic world. In most academic writing. The best way to learn them is to read lots of introductions carefully. (That's a practical problem that only time and experience solve. ] soluuon/p.. You may recall being told to "catch your readers' attention" by opening with a snappy quotation. but a catchy opening can vividly introduce concepts central to the problem you pose in the rest of your introduction. consuming more than five drinks at a sitting.] ~()~l [We may not be able to stop bingeing entirely. it proposes that the reader (or someone) do something to change a condition in the world: .] solution/point Conceptual Problems To solve a conceptual problem." 2. nothing is more difficult than finding a good question.192 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace support it. Almost half binge once a week. behavior that crosses the line from fun to recklessness that kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them. the solution will be a statement of something the writer wants readers only to understand or believe: A better understanding of the causes of bingeing will provide clues to understanding the bigger issue of risk-taking behavior in general. If the solution solves a practical problem. What best catches attention is a problem in need of a solution. or anecdote. A Startling Fact A recent study reports that at most colleges three out of four students "hinged" at least once in the previous thirty days.and second-year college students. . cost/second thing not known [This study reports on our analysis of the risk-taking behavior of 300 first. Here are three preludes that could establish key themes in a paper about binge drinking. We found that students most highly attracted to risky behavior were three times more likely to binge than students who were least attracted to risky behavior. A Quotation "If you're old enough to fight for your. 1.country. you don't have an answer worth supporting. you're old enough to drink to it. because without one. but we must try to control its worst costs by educating students in how to manage its risks. Prelude There is one more device that writers use in introductions.unt As Darwin and Einstein said. fact. we can use a musical term: prelude. To name this device.. your readers will also have a problem and could miss the point of your paper. An Illustrative Anecdote When Jim S" president of Omega Alpha. like Jim S. accepted a dare from his fraternity brothers to down a pint of whiskey in one long swallow. anecdote According to a recent study. I 1. he didn't expect to become this year's eighth college fatality (rom alcohol poisoning. If you cannot quickly locate the end of your introduction. Draw a line after your introduction. 3. officers.... you're old enough to drink to it.."qUOlalioIl Tragically. no longer has a chance to do either. of course. And those who drink the most arc not just members of fraternities. shared context But in recent years . pr-oblem 'ii il :Ii I 1': i'll! I I Writers in the natural and social sciences use preludes rarely. is a general plan for your introductions: Prelude + Shared Context + [Condition + Cost] problem + Main Point DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION and To diagnose how well your readers will see your introduction its parts.l .I II and those who binge most are not just members of fraternities.I . Here. has been a part of American college life since the first college opened . Jim S. Do you want readers to do something or just to understand something? 2.. then. their officers. but. three out of four students have..I! We can combine all three: It is often said that "if you're old enough to fight for your country. ~trikin~dact Drinking. i' I I 3. Determine whether you are posing a practical or conceptual problem. do this: 1.'1 I. If you cannot quickly make those divisions. like Jim. Divide the introduction into its three parts: shared context/problem/claim. They are more common in the humanities and most common in writing (or the general public.. its main claim. drunk five drinks at a sitting in the last thirty days.Lesson 10 Motivating Coherence 193 but . your introduction is likely to seem unfocused. When he accepted a dare from his fraternity brothers to down a pint of whiskey in one long swallow. president of Omega Alpha. ' I li. he didn't plan to hecome this year's eighth college fatality from alcohol poisoning. at most colleges. its significance. Underline your claim. the condition must be something not known or understood.194 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 4. especially in the first week of a student's college life. it should bring together your point. Get your introduction straight. the solution to your motivating problem. however. and readers can read the rest more quickly and understand it better. the most important is education. If you are addressing a conceptual problem. Just reverse their order: 1. or some other word indicating that you will challenge that shared context. the answer to that question must state something bigger and more significant that is not known or understood as a consequence of not knowing or understanding the first thing. o If you are addressing a practical problem. o If you are addressing a conceptual problem. in its stress position. serves a different end: as the last thing your reader reads. introduces your key themes. Divide the problem o into two parts: condition and cost. state the key concepts that the rest of your paper will develop (more on that in the next lesson). A good conclusion. Imagine a So what? after the condition. . Conclusions vary more than introductions. 5. the answer to that question must state some palpable consequence of thc condition that includes unhappiness. It should be the point of your paper and should. you can map their parts from your introduction. o CONCLUSIONS A good introduction motivates your readers. the solution to your problem: Though we can come at this problem of bingeing [rom several directions. and its implications for thinking further about your problem. Begin the first sentence after the shared context but. Open your conclusion by stating (or restating) the gist of your point. 6. the condition can be anything that exacts a palpable cost. the main claim of your paper. If you are addressing a practical problem. toward its end. and states your main point. on the other hand. and that depends on a university devoting time and resources to it. 7. but in a pinch. sh"rerl context Open the introduction with shared context. restate what you offered in the introduction. We'll call this by another musical term. or fact that echoes your prelude. your coda (again. something still not known. Suggest a further question or problem to be resolved. because costs are always some kind of unhappiness. We should not underestimate . Explain its significance by answering So what? in a new way. Here is a plan for introducing a practical problem: I: I " I' Alcohol has been a part of college life for hundreds of years. 4. From football weekends to fraternity parties. Answer Now what?: Of course. If we start to control bingeing now. used more often in the humanities and popular writing than in the natural and social sciences): how deeply entrenched bingeing is: We might have hoped that after Jim S:s death from alcohol poisoning. I: 'II There arc other ways to conclude. I SUMMING Up I You motivate purposeful reading with this plan for introductions: the key is to state the costs of a practical problem so clearly that readers will not ask So what? but think Whal do we do? That's easy with a practical problem. but this one works when nothing better comes to mind. if you can. many more students will die.Lesson 10 Motivating Coherence 195 2. quotation. we will save many lives. now as a benefit: If we do not start to control bingeing soon. it reported another death from bingeing this month. 3. a brief statement of what you will go on to qualify or even contradict.II t I" I' I' II 'I. college students drink and often drink hard. the larger issue of risktaking in general will remain a serious problem. but if not. Sad to say. even if we can control bingcing. his university would have taken steps to prevent more such tragedies. I " . End with an anecdote. etc. [So what?] conditiollof the problem Follow that with a statement of the condition of the problem. solution 10 the prohlem Conclude with a statement of the solution to the problem. it has been cited in six deaths. but we must try to control its worst costs by educating students in how to manage its risks. What color were Lincoln's socks when he delivered the Gettysburg Address? The answer to that question is unlikely to help us understand anything important. shared context Open the introduction with shared context> a brief statement of what you will go on to qualify or even contradict. an action that will eliminate or at least ameliorate the costs. on the other hand. many injuries. injury. It is drinking quickly just to get drunk or even to pass out. and considerable destruction of property. It is behavior that crosses the line from fun to recklessness that kills and injures not just drinkers but those around them. Its effects are well understood-death. property damage. Conceptual problems are harder to Irame because you need a question worth answering.196 Style: LesS0/1S ill Clarity and Grace But a kind of drinking known as "binge" drinking is spreading through our colleges and universities. Introduce it with a but. We may not be able to stop bingeing entirely. In the last six months. How did Lincoln plan the Address? If we knew that. . Here is a plan for introducing conceptual problems: Colleges are reporting that binge drinking is increasing. Imagine a So what? after it. Bingeing is far from harmless. coSlS of the pwblem Answer that imagined So what? with a statement of the consequences of that condition. costs that they do not want to pay. we might learn about something much more important: the nature of his creative process. its costs to your readers. however. Ii . etc. We found that .first thing nor known Follow that with a statement of the condition of the problem. as well. however: on the other hand.] cost/second thing no! known Answer that imagined So what? with the cost of the condition.II "I I II I ... Introduce it with a but.1 II: " . Tn this study.L-esson 10 Motivating Coherence 197 but its causes are not: is it a consequence of a personality attracted to risk taking or of particular social situations?] [So what?] "'Joditioll of the problem.. II. II II' Iii . ] solution to the problem . an answer to the first question that helps answer the second one.. we analyzed the risktaking behavior of 300 first. Imagine a So what? after it. 'I' [A better understanding of the causes of bingeing will provide clues to understanding risk-taking behavior in genera!. Conclude your introduction with a statement of the solution to the problem. State something that is not known or well understood.and second-year college students to determine .I" I. a larger and more important issue that is not known or understood as a consequence of not understanding the first thing. -GABRIEL GARCiA MARQUEZ 198 . and once 1 get it. the style. 1 have spent many months on a first paragraph. the rest just comes out very easily.Lesson 11 GlobalCoherence One of the most diflicult things {to write] is the first paragraph. The theme is defined. the tone. In the first paragraph you solve most of the problems with your book. subsections. But regardless of our interest. When we are interested in a subject. and even paragraphs. We can make sense or almost anything. we are likely to give up.Lesson 11 Global Coherence. if we're motivated to read it and we already know a lot about its subject matter. even incoherence. I • It must motivate your readers Local Coherence In Lessons 5 and 6. But when we don't have prior knowledge to help us through a text. In this lesson. we are just defeated by general incoherence. If we can't follow a line of thought. and when we read carefully. University of Virginia. we explain how that second point applies to all the parts of your document-its sections. • It must frame the rest of your document by telling your readers your point and the key concepts that you will develop in what follows. we read carefully. we explained how you must create introductions that do two things: to read by stating a problem that they care about. if we must. The ideas in this lesson have been developed and refined together with Greg Colomb. You help your readers do that by building those signals into your writing deliberately. That's why even bad writers get read if they motivate readers to make the effort to understand their gratuitous complexity. though. II III . 102-104). the terms coherent and incoherent don't refer to anything we see on the page. we looked at three features that help readers create "local" coherence in short passages: • A sentence introducing the passage states at its end the key concepts that run through the rest of the passage (pp. Department of English. That experience depends most on the knowledge wc bring to our reading. 199 UNDERSTANDING COHERENCE In the last lesson. we can struggle through clotted sentences. This lesson explains how to do that. Coherence is an experience we create for ourselves as we make our own sense out of what we read. Like the terms complex and unclear. we depend on signals that we see on the page to help us integrate what we read with the knowledge we have. 200 Style: LeSSOHS iH Clarity and Grace • All the sentences that follow observe the principle of old-new (pp.76-77) . • Collectively, their TOPICS focus on a few characters (pp. 80-82). Global Coherence But readers need more than locally coherent passages to grasp the coherence of a whole document. To help them achieve that coherence, you can use a principle we have looked at for writing clear sentences: begin each major unit of a document-each section and subsection-with a short, easily grasped segment that states the point and introduces the rest, the part that is longer and more complex. Then in that part, expand on, develop, or explain what you stated as the point in the first part. (Paragraphs are a special case that we'll discuss later.) To grasp the coherence of a substantial unit of discourse and therefore the coherence of the whole, readers must see four more things: 1. Your readers must know where one section stops and the next begins. Use headings to identify the start of a new section. Create those headings out of the key concepts that you state in your point sentence (for more on that, see (4) below). must recognize a short segment that introduces each section and subsection. 3. At the end of that introductory segment, readers look for a sentence that states the point of the section, a statement that you expand on in the rest of that unit. This is analogous to stating the point of a complex sentence at its beginning and developing it in the rest of the sentence (review pp. 133-134). 4. Toward the end of that point sentence, they must see words that express the concepts that you develop in the rest of that unit. The point of a paragraph is often called its topic sentence; the point of a whole document is sometimes called its thesis. We have no special word for the point of a section, so I will use the term point sentence to name the key statement in sections of all sizes. When readers see that point sentence at the end of a short, easily grasped opening segment, they read and understand what follows more easily. 2. Readers Lesson 11 Global Coherence 201 In the limited space we have here, I can't illustrate these principles with entire documents, or even sections of them. I have to use paragraphs and ask you to analogize the structure of an illustrative paragraph to a whole section of a document. For example, read this: la. Thirty sixth-grade students wrote essays that were analyzed to determine the effectiveness of eight weeks of training to distinguish fact from opinion. That ability is an important aspect of making sound arguments of any kind. In an essay written before instruction began, the writers failed almost completely to distinguish fact from opinion. In an essay written after four weeks of instruction, the students visibly attempted to distinguish fact from opinion, but did so inconsistently. In three more essays, they distinguished fact from opinion more consistently, but never achieved the predicted level of performance. In a final essay written six months after instruction ended, they did no better than they did in their pre-instruction essay. Their training had some effect on their writing during the instruction period, but it was inconsistent, and six months after instruction it had no measurable effect. The first few sentences introduce the rest, but we don't see in them the key concepts that follow: inconsistently, never achieved, no better, no measurable effect; those terms are crucial to the point of the whole passage. Worse, not until we get to the end of the passage do we get to its point: training had no long-term effect. And so as we read it, that passage seems to ramble, until the end, when we can make some sense of it, retrospectively. But that takes more effort than we should have to expend. Compare this version: lb. In this study, thirty sixth-grade students were taught to distinguish fact from opinion. They did so during the instruction period. but the effect was inconsistent, less than predicted, and six months after instruction ended, the instruction had no measurable effect. In an essay written before instruction began, the writers failed almost completely to distinguish fact from opinion. In an essay written after [our weeks of instruction, the students visibly attempted to distinguish fact from opinion, but did so inconsistently. In three more essays, they distinguished fact from opinion more consistently. but never achieved the predicted level of performance. In a final essay written six months after instruction ended, they did no better than they did in their pre-instruction essay. We thus conclude that shortterm training to distinguish fact from opinion has no consistent or long-term effect. 202 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace In that passage, we quickly grasp that the first two sentences introduce what follows. And in the second sentence, we see two things: both the point of the passage and its key terms. lb. In this study, thirty sixth-grade students were taught to distinguish fact from opinion. They did so during the instruction period but the effect was inconsistent. less than predicted. and six months after instnlctiol1 ended the instruction had no measurable effect. point ofthe passage As a consequence, we feel the passage hangs together better and we read it with more understanding. We can look at only short passages to illustrate these pri ncipies, but we can imagine how they apply to longer stretches of prose. Imagine two documents: in one, the point of each section and the whole appears at its eI1d (as in (I a» and what openings there are do not introduce the key terms that follow; in the other, each point appears in an introductory segment to every paragraph, section, and of the whole (as in (l bl), Which would be easier to read and understand? The second, of course. Keep in mind this principle about where to put the point sentence in its short opening segment: put it at its end; make it the last sentence that your reader reads before starting the longer, more complex segment that follows . • In a very short passage, the introductory segment might be just a single sentence, so by default, it will be the last sentence readers read before they read what follows. If the passage has a two-sentence introduction (as did (lb», be sure the point of the paragraph is the second sentence, still making it the last thing readers read before they read the rest. • For longer sections, your introduction might be a paragraph or more. For a whole document, you might need several paragraphs. Even in those cases, put your point sentence at the end of that introductory segment, no matter how long it is (shorter is better). Make your point the last thing readers read before they begin reading the longer, more complex segments that follow. Some inexperienced writers think that if they tip off their main point in their introduction, readers will be bored and not read on. Not true. IE you ask an interesting question, readers will want to see how you support your answer. Lesson 11 Global Coherence 203 write a document that readers will rent, open every section, subsection, he a short, easily grasped introductory segm . Put d of that opening segment a sentence that states both the point of the unit and the key concepts that follow. Point sentences constitute the outline of your document, its logical structure. If readers them, they may judge your writing to be incoherent. II Two More Requirements for Coherence We can make sense of almost anything we read if we know its points. But to make full coherent sense of a passage, we must see two more things. I :: 'I' "I !I ,I 1. Readers must see how everything in a section relevant to its point. Consider this passage: or whole is We analyzed essays written by sixth-grade students to determine the effectiveness of training in distinguishing fact from opinion. In an essay written before training, the students failed almost completely to distinguish fact and opinion. These essays were also badly organized in several ways. In the first two essays after training began, the students attempted to distinguish fact from opinion, but did so inconsistently. They also produced [ewer spelling and punctuation errors. In the essays four through seven, they distinguished fact from opinion more consistently, but in their final essay, written six months after completion of instruction, they did no better than they did in their first essay. Their last essay was significantly longer than their first one, however; Their training thus had some effect on their writing during the training period. but it was inconsistent and transient. II ,I , What are those sentences about spelling, organization, and length doing there? When readers can't see the relevance of sentences to a point, they are likely to judge what they read incoherent. I am sorry to say that I can't give you a simple rule of relevance, because it's so abstract a quality. I can only list its most important kinds. Sentences are relevant to a point when they offer these: 204 Style: Lessons in Clarity (11111 Grace • • • • • • background or context points of sections and the whole reasons supporting a point evidence, facts, or data supporting a reason an explanation of reasoning or methods consideration of other points of view parts of your document are not just the relevance of everythe principle behind the order kinds of order: chronological, 2. Readers must see how the ordered. Readers want to see thing they read to a point, but of its parts. We look for three coordinate, and logical, • Chronological This is the simplest order, from earlier to later (or vice versa), as a narrative or as cause and effect. Signal time with first, then, finally; signal cause and effect with as a result, because of that, and so on. The passage about the essay research was chronologically organized. • Coordinate Two or more sections are coordinate when they are like pillars equally supporting a common roof. There are three reasons why ... Order those sections so that their sequence makes sense to your reader-by importance, complexity, and so on-then signal that order with words and phrases such as first, second, . . . or also, another, more important, in addition, and so on. That's how this section on order is organized. • Logical This is the most complex order, by example and generalization (or vice versa), premise and conclusion (or vice versa), or by assertion and contradiction. Signal logic with for example, on the other hand, it follows that . . . On Paragraphs It would be easy to say that all paragraphs should follow those principles: • Begin with a short, easily grasped sentence or two that frame what follows . • State the point of the paragraph (in traditional terms its topic sentence) in the last sentence of its introduction. If the introduction is just one sentence, it will be its point, by default. in different kinds of writing. 'because we have no problem reading (or writing) them. In fact. asides. then dying out as they were replaced by others in still later strata. Second. The team obtained exact sequences of fossils-ncw lines of antelopes. giraffes. But even many substantial paragraphs of six or seven sentences or more don't have the formal elements we've been describing. which can run half a page or more. By precisely mapping every fossil they found. 2h. introducing its key terms. and elephants developing out of old and appearing in younger strata. and elephants developing out of old and appearing in younger strata.Lesson 11 Global Coherence 205 • Toward the end of that point sentence. By mapping every fossil precisely. they could usc the pigs to date the fossils. The most specific sequences they reconstructed were several lines of pigs that had been common at the site and had developed rapidly.I Iii 1. conclusions. Thcy charted new lines of antelopes. We can ignore short paragraphs that serve special functions. paragraphs in this book are a bit longer. name the key concepts that run through what follows. the team was able to recreate exactly how and when the animals in a whole ecosystem evolved. i ' ii " ". we can see in most of them some kind of opening segment that frames the rest of the paragraph. The team produced family trees that dated types of pigs so accurately that when they I' . and we get through most of the ones that don't just fine. special emphasis. But the first sentence or two do set up what follows. compare these two paragraphs: 2a. Even so. but not as long as paragraphs in scholarly journals.1 . It might not include its point-that may come later. introductions.or three-sentence paragraphs. some shorter. The problem is. For example. And that is usually enough to help us make sense of what follows. the team was able to recreate exactly how and when the animals in a whole ecosystem evolved. paragraphs follow different conventions: newspaper paragraphs are often just a sentence long. then dying out as they were replaced by others in still later strata. not all paragraphs follow that tidy structure. giraffes. The team produced family trees that dated types of pigs so accurately that when they found pigs next to fossils of questionable age. usually at its end. as transitions. and so on. even scholarly writers write two. The most exact sequences they reconstructed were several lines of pigs that had been common at the site and had developed rapidly. Paragraph (2a) makes its point in the last sentence. But if they don't know what your paragraphs add up to. DIAGNOSIS AND REVISION To diagnose how easily your readers will see your points and the coherence of your document. 2.206 Stvle: Lessons hi Clarity and Grace found pigs next to fossils of questionable age. But in the context of an otherwise coherent text about fossil hunters and their work. accurately. 2. . they can manage their way through a few paragraphs that are less than perfect. and helpfully. Circle the introductory segment of each section. paragraph (2b) in its first sentence. 3. When read in sequence. they could use the pigs to date the fossils. Now look for the following: 1. If your readers might not see those features quickly. do this: 1. then no matter how well you write them individually. Each point sentence should state at its end the key concepts that run through what follows. The point sentence for each unit should be close to or at the cnd of each of those introductory segments. Segments that introduce major sections should be separate paragraphs. Draw a line after the introduction to your whole document.) 3. Circle the point of every section. And that only emphasizes why it is so important to introduce the sections and subsections of your document clearly. (You might introduce them with headings constructed out of the key terms unique to those sections. your readers may well feel that the section they constitute is incoherent. those point sentences along with the main point should coherently summarize your whole document. 4. revise so that they will. 4. we wouldn't have a big problem understanding (2aJ. If your readers begin a section knowing its point. Divide the body of the document into its sections and subsections. the opening clause states the main point of the sentence. In (lb). . That claim is then supported by the longer and more complex clause that follows. Thirty sixth-grade students wrote essays that were analyzed to determine the effectiveness of eight weeks of training to distinguish fact from opinion. that short. because they know more about pre-Columbian civilizations and how European colonization destroyed their societies by inflicting on them devastating diseases.Lesson I I Glohal Coherence 207 A BASIC PRINCIPAL OF CLARITY Here is a basic principal or clarity that applies to individual sentences. easily grasped segment is a main clause that expresses the point of its sentence. easily grasped segment is a subject/topic. • In a paragraph. its most important claim: Historians are reassessing Columbus' role . In an essay written before instruction began. Compare these two: 1a. Compare these two paragraphs: 3a. the writers failed almost completely to distinguish fact . Nevada HAS heatedly RESISTED its use as a waste disposal site. Historians are reassessing Columbus' role in world histoD'. • In a complex sentence. • In a simple sentence. Compare these two: lao Resistance in Nevada against its use as a waste disposal site has been heated. The point of sentence (la) is buried at its end. that short. to sections and subsections. to substantive paragraphs.I Iii . Greater knowledge of pre-Columbian civilizations and the effect of European colonization destroying their societies by inflicting on them devastating diseases has led to a historical reassessment of Columbus' role in world history 1b. easily grasped unit is an introductory sentence or two that both expresses the point of the paragraph and introduces its key concepts. lb. That ability is an important aspect of making sound arguments of any kind. and to wholes: Readers are more likely to judge as clear any unit of writing that opens with a short segment that they can easily grasp and that frames the longer and more complex segment that follows. that short. . and it does not announce the key themes of the paragraph. and it clearly announces the key themes of the paragraph. . but it was inconsistent. less than predicted and six months after instruction ended the instnlction had no measurable effect. they distinguished fact from opinion more consistently. Even so. that short easily grasped unit may be just a paragraph. Their training had some effect on their writing during the instruction period. thirty sixth-eTude students \vere taught to distinguish fael from opinion. in longer units. they did no better than they did in their pre-Instruction essay. In an essay written after four weeks of instruction. but did so inconsistently.208 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace from opinion. the students visibly attempted to distinguish fact from opinion. they distinguished fact from opinion more consistently. opening ~egmenllpoitll in an essay written before instrucuon began. 3b. Paragraph (3b) has a clearly marked opening unit that states the point. and in a sentence at its end. In three more essays. but did so inconsistently. but it is easy to imagine. and six months after instruction it s had no measurable cilcct. Tn this study. perhaps even a few pages. o In a whole document. In an essay written after (our weeks of instruction. it will be proportionally longer. they did no better than they did in their pre-instruction essay. it should be substantially shorter than the rest. the writers failed almost completely to distinguish fact from opinion. Paragraph (3a) has no clearly distinguished opening unit. In a final essay 'mitten six months after instruction ended. it states the point of the whole document and introduces its key concepts. in a final essay written six months after instruction ended. We thus conclude that short-term training to distinguish fact from opinion has no consistent or long term effect. but the effect was inconsistent. There is not enough space here to illustrate how that principle applies to a passage several paragraphs long. but never achieved the predicted level. In three more essays. but never achieved the predicted level. o In a section or subsection. the students visibly attempted to distinguish fact from opinion. at its end it expresses the point of its unit and introduces the key concepts that follow. that introductory unit might be onc or more paragraphs long. Even so. They did so during the instruction period. I.I I: .Lesson 11 Global Coherence 209 W" .. and long paragraphs. '. go to it. If you are writing that kind of essay for that kind of reader. I II I. Writers help us do that when they locate point sentences where we expect them and when their sentences follow the principles we've looked at over the course of these eleven lessons. the poinit: sentence to DLparagraph to a secsame need: to a ". That's a reasonable concern.'. then the beginnings of sentences. if you are writing a literary essay that explores your own thoughts as you have them. however. is longer and more complex. and remember everything they must and who will. in any event. . that frames a fola short. most of us read less for aesthetic pleasures than for an end more practical-to understand what we need to know quickly and easily. for readers who have the time and patience to follow the twists and turns of your thinking. focus more on understanding the substance of your writing than on critiquing its form. On most occasions. il " i ' QUICK TIP: Budget your time for both drafting and revision so that you spend most of your time on beginnings: the introduction to thc whole. But it earns the gratitude of readers who have too little time to read. 1 . The Costs and Benefits of Cookie-Cutter Writing Some writers fear that patterns like these will inhibit their creativity and bore their readers. Don't tie yourself to what I've said here. Get beginnings straight and the rest is likely to take care of itself.. Such writing may seem cut-and-dried-to you. .nlp document. then thc introductions to major sections. then introductions to subsections. understand. because you will be so conscious of it.. and capitalized). . Order sentences. Toward the end of that point sentence. Make every sentence follow the old-new principle. use consistent topics Plan your paragraphs. i talicized. when physicians examined an older patient who seemed out of touch with reality. In the past few years. In the longer segment that follows. they had to guess whether that person had Alzheimer's or was only senile. But in the accuracy of these new tests lies the RISK OF ANOTHER KIND OF HL"MAN TRAGEDY: Physicians may be able to predict Alzheimer's long before its overt appearance. use key terms that the rest of the unit develops. End that segment with a sentence stating the point of that unit. [But those diagnoses have raised A NEW HUMAN PROBLEM about informing those at risk before they show any symptoms or n. Make all sentences relevant to the point of the unit that they constitute. Repeat key terms introduced toward the end of the opening segment (boldfaced. but such an early diagnosis could PSYCHOLOGICALLY DEVASTATE AN APPARENTLY HEALTHY PERSON. (underlined). Researchers early and have made strides in the accurate diagnosis of Alzheimer's. however. they have been able to use new and more reliable tests focusing on genetic clues.210 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace SUMMING Up sections. paragraphs. and the whole on this model: Open each unit with a relatively short segment introducing it. and sections in a way that readers understand.] point Not too long ago. I II PART FIVE Ethics I !' Ethics is in origin the art of recommending to others the sacrifices required for cooperation with oneself. -BERTRAND RUSSELL . but not simpler. -ALBERT EINSTEIN Simplicity is not a given. a beloved belief -W1LLlAM GASS Style is the ultimate morality of mind. -ST. -LA ROCHEFOUCAULD Everything should be made as simple as possible.Lesson 12 TheEthicsof Style There is no artifice as good and desirable as simplicity. FRANCIS DE SALES Affected simplicity is refined imposture. -ALFRED NORTH WHlTEHEAD 213 . a human invention. It is an achievement. a discovery. for an engineer to revise this into language clear to everyone: The drag force on a particle of diameter d moving with speed II relative to a fluid of density p and viscosity JI is usually modeled by F = O. Our choice of what character to tell a story about-people or their circumstances-involves more than case of reading. Sunnis. where A is the cross-sectional area of the particle at right angles to the motion. It would be impossible. I have emphasized the responsibility we owe readers to be clear. but morc than appeal is at stake in choosing subjects and verbs in these two sentences: HAVE ENGAGED 1a. Sunnis. or do circumstances cause us to? Later. But if we are responsible readers. our days are too few to spend them on those indifferent to our needs. Generations of cultural conflict Shiites. Most of us do work hard to understand-at least until we decide that a writer apparently failed to work equally hard to help us understand. the circumstances of their history? Such a choice of subjects and verbs even implies a philosophy of human action: do we freely choose to act. even more than a philosophy of action. as in (lb). we also have a responsibility toward writers to read them hard enough to understand the necessary complexity of ideas that can't be expressed in Dick-and-Jane sentences.214 Style: LeSS0/1Sin Clarity and Grace BEYOND POLISH It is easy to think that style is just the polish that makes a sentence go down more smoothly. Once we decide that a writer was careless or thoughtless or lazy-well. or. worse. deliberately made our reading more difficult than it has to be. distrust among Which sentence more accurately reflects what causes the distrust among the three-their deliberate actions. we'll look at the way this issue plays itself out in our own Declaration of Independence. HAVE CAUSED t b.5Cou 2A. and Kurds DISTRUST one another because they in generations of cultural conflict. Shiites. because every such choice also has an ethical dimension. as in (la). . for example. and Kurds. or. The Ethical Responsibilities of Writers and Readers In the last eleven lessons. Unfortunately. because we tend to trust most a writer with a reputation for being thoughtful. that if our readers struggle to understand it. It's pragmatically smart. . do we think about those who write opaquely without knowing they do. So it's not just altruistically generous to go an extra step to help readers understand. for it seems axiomatic that if we don't want others to impose carelessly complex writing on us.Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 215 But our response to gratuitous complexity only re-emphasizes we are for our own writing. What is at stake is the ethical foundations of a literate society. we would trade places with our intended readers and experience the consequences they do after they read our writing. You risk losing your reputation. ~ I i An Ethic of Style We write ethically when as a matter of principle. Few of us violate that principle deliberately. It's just that we are all so inclined to think that our own writing is clear. then the problem must he not the flawed expression of our deep thoughts but their shallow reading. but no more difficult than they have to be.'I . much less intend to. reliable. for example. How. it's not quite that simple. . what writers since Aristotle have called your ethos-the character that readers infer from your writing: does it make them think you are difficult or accessible? amiably candid or impersonally aloof? trustworthy or deceitful? Over time. But there is more at stake here than even reputation. the ethos you project in individual pieces of writing hardens into your reputation. Responsible writers follow a rule whose more general theme you probably recognize: how responsible Write to others as you would have others write to you. we should make our ideas no simpler than they deserve. then we ought not impose it on others. because if you underestimate your readers' real needs. and considerate of her readers' needs. or those who knowingly write that way and defend it? Unintended Obscurity Those who write in ways that seem dense and convoluted rarely think they do. But that's a mistake. If we are socially responsible writers. you risk losing more than their attention. . mistakes may have been made. In the first sentence. Intended Misdirection The ethics of writing are clearer when writers knowingly use language in their own self-interest rather than yours. respond candidly and helpfully. Planned and Unplanned Discourse That means (I think). Sears wants you to know that we would never intentionally violate the trust customers have shown in our company for 105 years. but their innocent ignorance. you will. we readers have the duty to meet another term of the reader-writer contract: we must not just read carefully. after all. but how well we remember it the next day. Schieflelin. a few years ago. is not what we understand as we read.However. with over two million automotive customers serviced last year in California alone. and what really counts. But one day. . The ethical issue here is not those writers' willful indifference. Adult speech behaviour takes on many of the characteristics of child language. When we speak spontaneously. language. mistakes may have OCCUlTed.216 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace For example. we rely on patterns of child The authors might object that I have oversimplified their meaning. the Sears Company was accused of overcharging for automobile repairs. -E. when writers don't know better. where the communication is spontaneous and relatively unpredictable. In that case. It responded with an ad saying. He could have used a PASSIVE verb: . I know many of you think that right now you do not have the standing to do that. Example #1: Who Erred? For example. Oehs and B. the writer avoided mentioning Sears as the party responsible for mistakes.. but those eleven words express what I remember from their forty-four. but when given the opportunity. I do not believe that the writers of this next passage intended to write it as unclearly as they did: A major condition affecting adult reliance on early communicative patterns is the extent to which the communication has been planned prior to its delivery. because he wanted to emphasize its good intentions. we made mistakes. in the third person. This next one is more significant. and not as a responsible topic/agent/subject: .Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 217 But that would have encouraged us to wonder By whom? Instead. self-interested but innocent of any malign motives. you should know that no intentional violation of 105 years of trust occurred.... The restructuring of rates is consistent with the policy of the Public Utilities Act that rates for service to various classes of utility customers be based upon the cost. Example #2: Who Pays? Consider this letter from a natural gas utility telling me and hundreds of thousands of other customers that it was raising our rates. for service to various classes of utility customers . However. If we revise the first sentence to focus on Sears and the second to hide it. He (or perhaps she) mentions me only twice. would never intentionally violate . Sears . The new rates move revenues from every class of customer closer to the cost actually incurred to provide gas service.. in the third person. increase in rates for Peoples Gas .. though. least of all the character whose interests are most at stake-me. never as a topic/agent/subject: . This is the first increase in rates for Peoples Gas in over six years." seemingly on their own.. is boldfaced. In the second sentence of that ad. of providing that service. (The TOPIC/SUBJECT in every CLAUSE... That's a small point of stylistic manipulation. i I That notice is a model of misdirection: after the first sentence. the reader. the writer never begins a sentence with a human character. the writer found a verb that moved Sears off stage by saying mistakes just "occurred. we get a different effect: When we serviced over two million automotive customers last year in California. the responsible agent.. 1990. MAIN or SUBORDINATE. move revenues from every class of customer The writer mentions the company only once. the wriLer focused on Sears.) The Illinois Commerce Commission has authorized a restructuring of our rates together with an increase in Set-vice Charge revenues effective with service rendered on and after November 12. for surely.218 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Had the company wanted to make clear who the real "doer" was and who was being done to. It shows how writers can meet a legal obligation while evading an ethical one (I number the sentences). now we can. 2This plate (front suspension pivot bar support plate) connects a portion of the front suspension to the vehicle frame. 4In addition. 1990. occurrence of either of the above conditions could result in vehicle crash without prior warning. 7In certain circumstances. here is a passage that raises an even greater ethical issue. "Ihe secondary catch may be misaligned so that the hood may not be adequately restrained to prevent hood fly-up in the event the primal}' latch is inadvertently left unengaged. one involving life and death. Example #3: Who Dies? Finally. (When asked my make of car. your vehicle may require adjustment service to the hood secondary catch system. According to the Illinois Commerce Commission. then we can reasonably charge him with breaching the First Rule of Ethical Wri ting.) First. I dodge the question. The GAO found that car owners could not understand the letters or were not sufficiently alarmed by them to bring their cars back to the dealer for service. look at the subject/topics of the sentences: 'a defect "your vehicle "sudden hood fly-up -thts plate "its failure "the secondary catch 70ccurrence of either condition . the notice would have read more like this. If the writer intended to deflect responsibility. but under the Public Utilities Act. we can now make you pay more for your gas service after November 12. particularly during heavy brake application. <Sudden hood fly-up beyond the secondary catch while driving could impair driver visibility. the Government Accounting Office investigated why more than half the car owners who got recall letters did not comply with them. J A defect which involves the possible failure of a frame support plate may exist on your vehicle. and 3it5failure could affect vehicle directional control. systemalieally hiding who is doing what in a matter elose to his interests. I received the following. We have not made you pay more in over six years. Some time ago. he would not want that same kind of writing directed to him. . In sum.Lesson 12 The Ethics ofStvle 219 The main character/topic of that story is not me. There is a car that might have defective parts. I would be naive to claim that everyone is free to write as he or she pleases. But that doesn't mitigate the consequences. for surely they would not swap places with a reader deliberately lulled into ignoring a condition that threatened his life. . When we knowingly write in ways that we would not want others to write to us. p ~ passive): Failure n vehicle directional control . the writers ignored me almost entirely (I am in your vehicle twice and driver once). we abrade the trust that sustains a civil society. then they violated their ethical duty to write to me as they would have me write to them.. In fact.' But that indirectness is motivated not by dishonesty. it says. I tI . confuse unethical indirectness with the human impulse to soften bad news. Of course. In short. the driver. but by kindness. we know it means 'You have no job. Maybe the writers of that letter felt coerced into writing it as they did. it could crash without warning. our choice of subjects is crucial not only when we want to be clear. When a supervisor says I'm afraid our new funding didn't come through. being candid has its costs. . of course. be misaligned left unengaged p p heavy brake application hood fly-up n n not restrained driver visibility )J n warning n If the writers intended to deflect my fear and maybe my anger. but my car and its parts. Its plate could fail and its hood fly up_ If they do. We should not. especially when a writer's job depends on protecting an employer's self-interest. The writers-prohahly a committee of lawyers-also nominalized verbs and made others passive when they referred to actions that might alarm me (n ~ nominalization. but also when we want to be honest or deceptive. and omitted all references to themselves. I. 1 Then Revise the gas rate notice. but because we may not be able to settle some cases at all. revise again. your car could crash..2 Revise the recall letter. you could crash. Rationalizing Opacity Necessary Complexity A more complicated ethical issue is how we should respond to those who know they write in a complex style. pseudo-scientific theories. you could . Would the company be reluctant to send out that version? Is the original letter "good" writing? Which of the following. spurious authorities and classifications can he seen as . because they are breaking new intellectual ground. using you as a topidagentlsubject. making you the subject of as many verbs and naming as many actions in verbs as you can. using we. is a sentence from a leading figure in contemporary literary theory: If. Would the company resist sending either revision? Why? Was the original "good" writing? What do you mean by good? Exercise 12. the ruse of desire is calculable for the uses of discipline soon the repetition of guilt. but claim they must. superstition.. 1990/we can charge you more after November 12 . is closer to the "truth"? Is that even the right question? If the plate fails. for a while. One of the sentences wi II read. not just because we can settle it only case-by-case. at least not to everyone's satisfaction. you will have to pay us higher service charges after November 12. if either.. If the plate fails. Here. justification. for example. or is that self-serving rationalization? This is a vexing question. For example: As the Illinois Commerce Commission has authorized. Are they right.220 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Exercise 12.. If you BRAKE hard and the plate FAILS. given the time most of us have for figuring them out? We owe readers an ethical duty to write precise and nuanced prose. those who control the facts dumb them down. they are. enlightened claims of its enunciatory modality. some argue that the harder we have to work to understand what we read. and substantial evidence contradicts it. but not the only one. I can suggest only that when writers claim their prose style must be difficult because their ideas are new. whatever can be written can be written clearly. the other that clarity is bad. As to the second claim. more often wrong than right. As to the first claim. The philosopher of language Ludwig Wittgenstein said. Salutary Complexity/Subversive Clarity There are two more defenses of complexity: one claims that complexity is good for us. truth is the prime value.!. I I I'd add a nuance: Whatever can be written can usually be written more clearly. so nuanced that its substance can be expressed only as written? Or is it babble? How do we decide whether in fact his nuances are. Whatever can be thought can be thought clearly. In the marketplace of ideas. By speaking in deceptively simple ways. it's a free country. the more deeply we think and the better we understand. -Homi K. with just a bit more effort. Another is the time it takes to find it. rendering us unable to understand the full complexity of our political and social circumstances: . If we choose to write in ways that we know will make readers struggle-well. some argue that "clarity" is a device wielded by those in power to mislead us about who really controls our lives. they say. as a matter of simple fact. but we ought not assume that they owe us an indefinite amount of their time to unpack it.j Lesson 12 The EthicsofStylc 221 the desperate effort to "normalize" [ormally the disturbance of a discourse of splitting that violates the rational. at least for ordinarily competent readers. just not accessible. Babba Does that sentence express a thought so complex. Everyone should be happy to know that no evidence supports so foolish a claim. In the final analysis. How could it be otherwise? But those who attack clarity as a conspiracy to oversimplify complicated social issues arc as wrong as those who attack science because some use it for malign ends: neither science nor clarity is a threat: we are threatened by those who use clarity (or science) to deceive us. and control. in principle. to be influenced (or manipulated) in the same way. corrupted by fallen academics. [T]hose who make a call for clear writing synonymous with an attack on critical educators have missed the role that the "language of clarity" plays in a dominant culture that cleverly and powerfully uses "clear" and "simplistic" language to systematically undermine and prevent the conditions from arising for a public culture to engage in rudimental)' forms of complex and critical thinking. That seems simple enough. then Latin and French to exclude those who knew only English. _. bureaucrats. -c-Stanley Aronowitz. In our earliest history. but the unethical use of it. But it's not. but that just shifts the burden to us to call them out on it. as well. It has to he learned. It is almost an unnatural act. the educated elite used writing itself to exclude the illiterate.. those who manage our affairs have a duty to tell us the truth as clearly as they can. and the ethical quality of our choices depends on the motives behind them. ideology. More recently. We must simply insist that. for it is not just hard to write clearly. during which time they are expected to acquire not only the language of the Ins.222 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace The cal! to write curriculum in a language that is touted as clear and accessible is evidence of a moral and political vision that increasingly collapses under the weight of its own anti-intellectualism. clarity is not a natural virtue. and others jealous to preserve their authority. It is not clarity that subverts. Postmodern Education The writer makes one good point: language is deeply implicated in politics. Clarity is a value that is created by society and that society must work hard to maintain. They probably won't. Moreover. with the same result. So is clarity an ideological value? Well of course it is. but their values. . Only by knowing motives can we know whether a writer of clear or complex prose would willingly be the object of such writing. sometimes painfully (as this book demonstrates). With every sentence we write we have to choose. those in authority have relied on a vocabulary thick with Latinate nominalizations and on a Standard English that requires those Outs aspiring to join the Ins to submit to a decade-long education. In the first. a philosophical justification for a people to throw off a tyranny and replace it with a government of their own: . in the course of human events. the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them. a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. and to assume among the powers of the earth. Here I examine how Thomas Jefferson managed his prose style in our Declaration of Independence to influence how we judge the logic of his argument. But it is just such cases that force us to think the hardest about matters of style and ethics. I discussed how Lincoln artfully manipulated the language of his Gettysburg Address and Second Inaugural Address. We therefore declare that these colonies are free and independent states. In previous editions. Minor premise: Conclusion: Jefferson's argument is as straightforward as the language expressing it is artful. he offers as his major premise. Jefferson laid out a simple syllogism: Major premise: When a long train of abuses by a government evinces a design to reduce a people under despotism. they must throw off such government.Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 223 AN EXTENDED ANALYSIS It is easy to abuse wri ters who seem to manipulate us through their language for their own. After a discussion of human rights and their origin. It is more difficult to think about these matters when we are manipulated by those whom we would never charge with deceit. The Declaration is celebrated for its logic. .II He then organizes the Declaration into three parts. Jefferson begins with a preamble that explains why the colonists decided to justify their declaration: When. and Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address and Second Inaugural Address. The most celebrated texts in our history are the Declaration of Independence. These colonies have been abused by a tyrant who evinces such a design. the Constitution. it becomes necessary" for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another. self-interested ends. a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only. Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies. pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism. let Facts be submitted to a candid world. it is their duty. it is their right.. that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights. than to tight themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations. he has utterly neglected to attend to them.224 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace We hold these truths to be self-evident. and to provide new guards for their future security. uncom- Part 3 opens by reviewing the colonists' separation: attempts to avoid . and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it.. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations. will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes. Those facts constitute a list King George's offenses against the colonies. that among these are life. Part 2 of the Declaration begins with the words To prove this. He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual. to throw off such government. He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance. and when so suspended. all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these slates. deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. governments are instituted among men. and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer. and to institute new government. laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends. the most wholesome and necessary for the public good. That to secure these rights. and distant . unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained. while evils are sufferable. fortable. Prudence. He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people. indeed. evidence supporting Jefferson's minor premise that the king intended to establish "an absolute Tyranny over these States": He has refused his assent to laws. liberty and the pursuit of happiness. that all men are created equal. unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature. and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations. as we hold the rest of mankind. . He has forbidden He has refused . and hold them. In part 2. assembled. from all allegiance to the British Crown. solemnly publish and declare. in peace friends.1 II. therefore. We must. Jefferson made He (King George) the short. He has called together . We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity. we mutually pledge to each other our lives. A prince. they have full power to levy war. and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. establish commerce. . conclude peace. do. acquiesce in the necessity. and by the authority of the good people of these colonies. appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions. he artfully managed his language in its tacit support. would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. the representatives of the United States of America. but as logical as it is. And [or the support of this declaration.Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 225 In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. Jefferson's argument is a model of cool logic. therefore. contract alliances. is and ought to be totally dissolved. that they are absolved 1. with a firm reliance on the protection of divine providence. in General Congress. concrete topic/subject/agent of all the actions named. enemies in war. He has refused . and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain. Parts 2 and 3 reflect the principles of clarity explained in Lessons 3-7. that these united colonies are. . We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. our fortunes and our sacred honor. Part 3 ends with the declaration of independence: We. in the name. . which. and that as free and independent states. is unfit to be the ruler of a free people. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. Nor have we been wanting in attention to our British brethren. whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant. which denounces our separation. and of right ought to be free and independent states. But that choice supported his argument that the king was a willfully abusive tyrant. We have warned them from time to time . has not been forthcoming .. we mutually pledge to each other our Lives With the one exception of They too have been deaf.. the.. however. Jefferson was not forced by the nature of things to make King George the active agen t of every oppressive action.. But here he switched characters to the colonists.. And again... have failed to pass laws of immediate and pressing im- Legislative bodies have had to meet at places unusual.. He could have written this: Our British brethren have heard our requests . therefore... solemnly publish and declare . . that we don't notice it was a choice. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity.. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred We must. . most wholesome and necessary for the public good. Jefferson was not forced by the nature of things to do that.. and distant from the depository of their public Records . His governors portance . . .226 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace He could have wri tten this: His assent to laws.. They have received our warnings . We . all the subject/topics are we. . named we: Nor have we been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. That choice of subject seems so natural. . uncomfortable In other words.. do ... We have been deprived of Laws. the most wholesome and necessary . Jefferson also wrote in a style that reflects our principles of clarity: he again matched the characters in his story to the subject/topics of his sentences. acquiesce in the necessity . uncomfortable. . In part 3. Or he could have consistently focused on the colonists: ... We lack Laws of immediate and pressing importance. . .... We have had to meet at places usual. . other than that Jefferson made the obviously right choices? Far more interesting are Jefferson's choices in part 1.Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 227 They know the circumstances They have ignored our pleas .. governments long established transient causes ... he wrote only two sentences that make a person the subject of an active verb: they [the colonists] should declarethe causes.. are instituted among Men . most of his sentences would yield to the kind of revisions we described in Lessons 2-6: When in the course of human events. I! :I There are [our other subject-verb sequences that have short. But he chose to assign agency to the colonists to focus on their attempts to negotiate. he chose a style quite different. even unremarkable: King George did all those bad things. should not be changed for light and The last two passives explicitly obscure the agency of people in general and the colonists in particular. a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. In the rest of part I. II. then on their declaring independence.. of our emigration . . making abstractions the topic/subject/agents of almost every important verb. concrete subjects.. but they seem natural. When in the course of human events.. Jefferson chose a style that is even more impersonal. so we must declare our independence. his choices were not inevitable. . In fact. the words we have committed to our national memory. In fact. .. it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another . but they are all in the passive voice: all men are created equal _. In that part.. Again. we decide we should dissolve the political bands which have. We hold these truths to be self-evident ... they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable governments Rights ... in part I. What more is there to say about the style of parts 2 and 3. We may alter or abolish it. indeed. If we are prudent. and institute new government ... will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes . that mankind are more disposed to sutler. it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish It... we will not change governments long cstablisbcd for light and transient causes.. Instead of writing as clearly and directly as he did in parts 2 and 3. we should declare why we have decided to separate. a long train of abuses and usurpations . We can see a design in a long train of abuses and usurpations pursuing invariably the same Object-to reduce us under absolute Despotism. evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism.. but for justified revolution in general..... but how relentlessly Jefferson uses that style to strip the colonists of any free will of their own and to invest agency in higher forces that coerce the colonists to act: • respect for opinion requires that [the colonists] explain their action • eauses impel [the colonists] to separate J " . all experience hath shewn..228 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace If we decently respect the opinions of mankind. We know from experience that we choose to suffer: while we can suifer evils . But what is most striking about the style of part 1 is not just its impersonal generality... while evils are sufferable . constrains them to alter their former Systems of government.. We now HlHst alter our former Systems of government. why in part 1 did Jefferson choose to write in a style so indirect and impersonal? One ready answer is that he wanted to lay down a philosophical basis not for our revolution in particular. a profoundly destabilizing idea in Western political philosophy and one that needed more justification than the colonists' mere desire to throw off a government they disliked. Necessity . Prudence. and to institute new Government . But to make the first part of his argument work. that Creator is impliedly the coercive power that "constrains them to alter their former systems of government. we might argue that Jefferson was being marginally deceptive here. But we ought not ignore Jefferson's rhetorical powers. so predictable that we don't even notice the choice: in part 2. Jefferson manipulated his language three times. in part 3. • Mankind are disposed to suffer. Jefferson had to make the colonists seem to be the coerced objects of higher powers. those truths revealed themselves to the colonists. Nature's God. Since the only higher power named in the Declaration is a Creator. using language instead of logic to establish the colonists' lack of freedom to do . unremarkable. In this light. Even when abstractions do not explicitly coerce the colonists. the genius of his style. twice in ways that seem transparent. In short. but rather. Jefferson implies that they are not free agents: • It [is] necessary to sever bonds.Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 229 • prudence dictates that [the colonists] not change government lightly • experience has shown [the colonists] • necessity constrains [the colonists] Jefferson echoes that coercive power again in part 3: the colonists must acquiesce to the necessity that demands their separation." The Declaration of Independence is a majestic document for reasons beyond its grammar and style. but he also manipulated. and in particular. Jefferson made the colonists the agents of their own actions. The same words that brought our nation into existence laid down the fundamental values that justify the self-governance of all people everywhere. He created a relentlessly logical argument justifying our independenee. he made King George a freely acting agent of his actions by making him the subject/topic of every sentence. managed. If his end did not justify his means. massaged-call it what you will-his language to support his logic in ways not apparent to a casual reading. even We hold these truths 10 be self-evident is a claim that implies the colonists did not discover those truths. • It is their duty to throw off a tyrant. or methods that are not your own. Honest students who never intend to plagiarize might think they have no reason to fear being charged with doing so. . finally. Dr oral. And the student plagiarist steals not only words and ideas. then cynical-So who cares? Everyone does it. Teachers then have to be concerned less with teaching and learning. an ethical issue. but the ethical fabric of the entire community. one ethical matter where intention is not always the relevant issue. But they do have reason to be wary if they don't understand what might make teachers suspect them of it. Cite the source for any words. When such theft becomes common. Three Principles To avoid that risk. Of all the ethical transgressions that a writer can commit. He or she also steals the respect and recognition that a plagiarized source deserves for her work. AVOIDING THE APPEARANCE OF PLAGIARISM There is. It is. The plagiarist steals more than words. Do we trust a writer who seeks to manage our responses not just explicitly with a logical argument but implicitly through his prose style? We would say No about the writer of that automobile recall letter. but not far behind is the theft of another person's words and ideas. YDUmust understand and follow the three principles that every teacher expects every writer to observe.230 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace other than what they wanted. then distrustful. and more about detecting dishonesty. the community grows suspicious. however. 1. They are wrong. online. Some students think they don't have to cite material if it's freely available online. few are worse than plagiarism: lying and other forms of deception are worse. however. likely to say Yes about Jefferson. ideas. but only if we agree that his intended end justified his means. We are. Those who plagiarize betray not just a duty owed a source. a principle that we ordinarily reject on ethical grounds. because it was almost certainly intended to deceive us. but the recognition due his colleagues by making their work seem worse in comparison to his own. These principles apply to sources of any kind: print. regardless of where you found them. recorded. photocopy or download it. and page numbers. 2. you will never be suspected of trying to pass off someone else's words and ideas as your own. 152-155). but you must recast the source sentence entirely in your own words in a new sentence structure. But to follow those rules. do not use quotation marks. Mark quotations and paraphrases unambiguously as the words of others. place of publication. down to every comma and semicolon. Get bibliographical infonnation right. Record your source's complete bibliographical data: author. and date of publication. because. I I If you follow those three rules. always highlight.I: i . they did not distinguish clearly the words they copied or paraphrased from their own. put those words in quotation marks or in a block quotation (see pp. underline. also record the name of the journal. date of publication. Copy quotations exactly as they appear in the original. editor or translator if any. Quote your source exactly. Whether you take notes on a computer or longhand. publisher.i . so that later you cannot think that those quoted words are yours. This is crucial: you must take notes so that weeks or months later you cannot possibly think that words and ideas you found in a source are your own. 3. you must start by taking good notes. I. If the quotation is long. When you quote the exact words of a source. title and subtitle. issue number. I :1 l . Prominent scholars have been humiliated by accusations of plagiarism.Lesson 12 The Ethics ofStvlc 231 1 2. then "forgot" they were someone else's. they claimed. 3. volume number. I i . you havc to think about them before you draft a single word. or use a different font or type size for direct quotations.I i . If your source is a journal article.. edition and volume.I l I. Your readers must think that they could find your source if they wanted to consult it themselves. boldface. if any. Take Good Notes To use and cite source material correctly. When you paraphrase a source. since it stands in so direct a relationship to its audience. Technology's history exemplifies what is termed an autocatalytic process: that is. The second paraphrase is fair use (so long as its source is cited in the text of the paper). you must do this: • Put direct quotation. too closely. That is also considered plagiarism. including the page numbers where you found the material. one that speeds up at a rate that increases with lime. and Steel: Because technology begets more technology. you must be equally careful when you draft. Don't source paraphrase in your notes. Direct Quotations 1. even if you cite the source. the first paraphrase of the original sentence below is plagiarism because it tracks its sentence structure almost word for word. Original: "The drama is the most social of literary forms. . • For any quotation. If you quote even a few words because they are strikingly original or especially important. put them in quotation marks and cite their source.232 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace 4." Plagiarizing paraphrase: The theater is a very social genre because it relates so directly with its viewers. Draft Carefully Even if you take careful notes. or any idea borrowed quotations in quotation marks or in a block from any source. When you paraphrase words in your source a don't just replace with synonyms of your own. you must cite that source's bibliographical information. so that readers can also find it. the importance of an invention's diffusion potentially exceeds the importance of the original invention. For example. For example. paraphrase. Every time you use words or ideas from a source in your paper. Fair-use paraphrase: Levin claims that we experience the theater as the most social form of literature because we see it taking place before us. summary. read this passage Jared Diamond's Guns. because the process catalyzes itself (301). Germs. 2. For quotations five lines or longer. do this: • Run the quoted words into the body of your text and surround them with quotation marks (see pp. without quotation marks around them. the process becomes a self-sustaining catalysis that spreads exponentially across all national boundaries. even if you had already thought of that idea on your own. But two phrases do." It is. as Diamond puts it. 3. an "autocatalytic process. You need not cite the source if you refer to those same ideas again. including the page numbers(s) on which you found them. are so ordinary that they require neither a citation nor quotation marks." Once you cite those words. I I I I I • Indicate where you found those words in the source by citing page numbers(s). 153-155). For paraphrases • Cite the source every time you paraphrase anything from it. you can use them again without quotation marks or citation: As one invention begets another one and that one still another. For quotations one to four lines long. . do this: • Put the quoted words into a block quotation. • Make sure that your paraphrase is not so close to the original that it retains the same sentence structure. Cite the source and page numbers for any idea you use from a source. • Cite the source of those words. • If you quote those lines again. For borrowed ideas or methods: II' II 'I I . You do not have to cite the source of an idea or method . because they are so striking: technology begets more technology and autocatalytic process: The power of technology goes beyond individual inventions because technology "begets more technology. put quotation marks around them but you need not cite the source.Lesson 12 The Ethics of Style 233 Phrases such as the importance of the original invention. even if it fails to achieve its end? Or is it writing that does a job. No one will accuse you of plagiarism if you put a comma where a period should go. graceful. and appropriately. Always use quotation marks or a block quotation for words not your own. so you must find out which one your reader expects. common in the social sciences You can find a guide to them in the reference section of almost any bookstore. SUMMING Up How. When in doubt. check with your instructor. The problem is that if you're new to a field. . if you can't ask. common in the humanities • American Psychological Association (APA) style. The principle is this: to avoid the appearance and perhaps the charge of plagiarism. and candid. accurately. There are many styles of citations.234 Style: Lessons ill Ckuitv and Grace that is common knowledge. ask your teacher. In that case. regardless of its integrity and means? We have a problem so long as good can mean either ethically sound or pragmatically successful. cite more than you think you have to (but not every other sentence). cite a source for any words or ideas not your own whenever an informed reader might think that you're implying that they are your own. you can't he trusted to get the big ones right. finally. do we decide what counts as "good" writing? Is it clear. Cite Sources Appropriately Your last task is to cite your sources fully. but some will think that if you get these little matters wrong. We resolve that dilemma by our First Principle of Ethical Writing: We are ethical writers when we would willingly put ourselves in the place of our readers and experience what they do as they read what we've written. Three are most common: • The University of Chicago Manual of Style (UCMS) style • Modern Language Association (MLA) style. its common knowledge is likely to be a mystery. based on admiration for the direct attainment of a foreseen end. style in literature. It is a view expressed by the philosopher Alfred North Whitehead. much less worry how clear they are. If you are in your early years of college. I also know thal for many writers the pleasure of crafting a good sentence or paragraph is often just in the achievement of it. -Alfred North Whitehead. It is an aesthetic sense. you may be happy to find enough words to fill three pages. At the moment. the utility of education. It pervades the whole being. and you eventually will. style in logic. The love of a subject in itself and for itself. Here we are brought back to the position from which we started.Lesson 12 The Ethics ofStyle 235 That puts the burden on us to imagine our readers and their feelings. no matter the job. you may wonder whether all this talk about clarity. style in practical execution have fundamentally the same aesthetic qualities. What experienced readers know. and ethos is just so much finger wagging. And you may be reading textbooks that have been heavily edited to make them clear to first-year students who know little or nothing about their content. namely. in its finest sense. Style in art. is that clear and graceful writers are so few that when we find them. It is an ethical satisfaction some of us find not just in writing. you've experienced the consequences of unclear writing. there should grow the most austere of all mental qualifies: 1 mean the sense for style. though. But it's only a matter of time before you will. with both clarity and grace (my emphasis in the last sentence): Finally. but in everything we do: we take pleasure in doing good work. simply and without waste. it is also the most useful. Others wonder why they should struggle to learn to write clearly when bad writing seems so common and seems to have no cost. Style. If you are even moderately advanced in your academic or professional career. the engineer with a sense for style economizes his material. Style is the ultimate morality of mind. where it is not the sleepy pleasure of pacing a mental quarter-deck. They do not go unrewarded. for its own sake. the artisan with a sense for style prefers good work. is the last acquirement of the educated mind. we are desperately grateful. is the love of style as manifested in that study. The fiims of Education and Other Essays . style in science. ethics. attainment and restraint. So you may not yet have experienced much carelessly dense writing. especially when it's your own. The administrator with a sense for style hates waste. and a Formality unworthy oftheir Regard: They do not hold it difficult. But our prose cannot be quite strict. and treat this whole Subject with the utmost Contempt. are -SIR RALPH RICHARDSON There are some punctuations -GERTRUDE that are interesting STEIN and there are some that are not. because we have to relate it to the audience. as a Triflefar below their Notice.APPENDIX Punctuation I know there are some Persons who affect to despise it. the punctuation is absolutely strict.and some ingenious and elegant Writers have condescended to point their Works with Care. but despicable. as being above it. In other words 1--PC continually changing the score. and neglect it. 236 . -JAMES BCRROW In music.and very eminent Scholars have not disdained to teach the Method ofdoing it with Propriety. the bars and rests are absolutely defined. yet many learned Men have been highly sensible to its Use. Our review of the test led to our modification of it as a result of complaints by teachers.) But those terms are potentially misleading. it is simple: SIMPLE: Ii The greatest English dictionary is the Oxford English Dictionary. iii . then its beginning. and finally its middle? But first. Simple. If a sentence has just one INDEPENDENT CLAUSE. how do we punctuate the end of a sentence. you can help readers not only understand a complex sentence more easily but create nuances of emphasis that they will notice. because they suggest that a grammatically simple sentence should seem simpler than one that is grammatically complex. I will address punctuation as a functional problem: first. most readers think that of the next two sentences. the grammatically simple one feels more complex than the grammatically complex one: GRAMMATICALLY SIMPLE: . But that's not always true. you have more choices in how to punctuate than you might think. Compound. [but the greatest is the Oxford English Dictionary J'. and if you choose thoughtfully. and Complex Sentences Sentences have traditionally been called simple. and complex. In fact. it is complex. independent dm'S" (Cumpound-complex is self-explanatory. it is compound: COMPOU. but a little care can produce gratifying results. we have to distinguish different kinds of sentences. compound. It takes more than a few commas to turn a monotone into the Hallelujah Chorus. Par example. If it has two or more independent clauses.Appendix Punctuation 231 UNDERSTANDING PUNCTUATION Most writers think that punctuation must obey the same kind of rules that govern grammar.I\'D: [There are many good dictionaries]". .1'. If it has an independent clause and one or more SUBORDINATE CLAUSES. COMPLEX: [While there are many good dictionaries] subordinate clause [the greatest is the Oxford English Dictionary]. and so managing commas and semicolons is about as interesting as making verbs agree with subjects. Punctuated and Grammatical Sentences We can make more useful distinctions between what we will call punctuated sentences and grammatical sentences: • A punctuated sentence begins with a capital letter and ends with a period or question/exclamation mark. The last two periods could have been semicolons. I have chosen to punctuate as separate sentences what I could have punctuated as one long one. 176). for example. We distinguish these two kinds of sentences. But this paragraph is not as hard to read as many shorter sentences that consist of many subordinate clauses. now punctuated as seven punctuated sentonccs. is a short punctuated sentence. • A grammatical sentence is a SUBJECT and VERB in a MAIN CLAUSE along with everything else depending on that clause. The period before that but. We necd a morc useful set of terms. we modified it because teachers complained. creating seven punctuated sentences: We must distinguish these two kinds of punctuated sentences. because depending on their structure. is one long punctuated sentence. the one you are now reading. because depending on their structure. feel different from those same grammatical sentences in a . for example. consisting of just one subject and one verb plus what depends on them. It might be one word or a hundred (see the Mailer sentence on p.238 Style: Lessons in Clarify and Grace GRAMMATICALLY COMPLEX: After we reviewed the test. could have been a comma. those semicolons and the comma before that but could have been periods. for example-and that dash could have been a period too. readers can respond to them very differently. Here is that long sentence you just read repunctuated with virtually no change in its grammar. And that period could have been a dash. readers respond to them very differently The one you are now reading. for example. I have chosen to punctuate as one long sentence what I might have punctuated as a series of shorter ones. but it is not as bard to read as many shorter sentences that consist of many SUBORDJNATE CLAUSES. Though I changed little but the punctuation. those seven grammatical sentences. Those two terms do not reliably indicate how we are likely to respond to such sentences. . . 'I Exercise A. why? If not. and 171. 161.2 You will find long sentences on pp.Appendix: Punctuation 239 single punctuated sentence.1' . a writer must know how to punctuate the end of a grammatical sentence. II . because it signals a writer who does not understand the basics of writing. II I Does that improve the original? If so. an error you cannot afford to make. It consists of one subject and verb plus what depends on them. We could revise the beginning of that revision on p. of course. You have a lot of choices in how to do that. II. but signal it you must. Depending on their structure. When you write that kind of sentence you create a fused or run-on sentence. why not? Exercise A. The one you are now reading is a short punctuated sentence. '1 II . Repunctuate them into shorter ones. 238 into even shorter grammatical sentences: We must distinguish two kinds of punctuated sentences. Some use the term "illiterate" for this kind of error. Take the tcrm as a measure of how intensely readers respond to such errors. :. How do the changes affect the way you respond to them? PUNCTUATING THE ENDS OF SENTENCES Above all other rules of punctuation. because readers have to know where one grammatical sentence stops and the next begins. because an "illiterate writer" is a contradiction in terms. wc can create different stylistic effects simply by the way we punctuate: punctuation is not governed by rules.I I . 170. The punctuation of this one does not belp us do that: In 1967 Congress passed civil rights laws that remedied problems of registration and voting this had political consequences throughout J the South. an exaggeration. In short. but by choices. readers respond to them differently. . I I . / The civil t-ights laws that Congress passed in 1967 to remedy problems of registration and voting had political consequences throughout the South. This had political consequences throughout the South. sentences though: combine too many short grammatical that into one long one. no more than fifteen or so words. Period (or QuestionJExcIamation Mark) Alone The simplest. Readers need to see a link between them: ./ When Congress passed civil rights laws to remedy problems of registration and voting in 1967. turning two or more grammatical sentences into one: . and the content of the second grammatical sentence is closely linked to the first: In 1967. least noticeable way to signal the end of a grammatical sentence is with a period: ./ In 1967. by 1995 Southern slates had thousands . those laws had political consequences throughout the South. Congress passed civil tights laws to remedy problems of registration and voting. . 2. Congress passed civil rights laws that remedied problems of registration and voting. 257). Three are common. whatever is on either side of it should be a grammatical sentence (with an exception we'll discuss on p. they had political consequences throughout the South . But if you create too many short punctuated sentences. 49-50)./ In 1967. and you create a sentence sprawls. Use a semicolon instead of a period only when the first grammatical sentence is not long. pairs of grammatical sentences in Three Common Forms of End Punctuation 1. Congress passed civil rights laws that remedied problems of registration and voting.240 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace You can choose to separate ten ways. your readers may feel your prose is choppy or simplistic (as on pp. Experienced writers revise a series of very short grammatical sentences into subordinate clauses or phrases. Be cautious. Semicolon Alone A semicolon is like a soft period. however. they now If the however introduces the second grammatical sentence. or.\ Ii Ii II I J I Ii j " ! :1 I' II ./ In 1967. and other officials from their African-American communities. mayors. then the semicolon goes before it (but keep the comma after it): . Taxpayers have supported public education.Appendix Punctuation 241 of sheriffs. you probably should put the semicolon before the however.f Taxpayers have supported public education. A special problem with semicolons and however In one context. other officials from their African- A few shared concepts would make the connections clearer: . Congress passed civil rights laws to remedy racial problems of registration and voting. Comma + COORDINATING CONJUNCTIONReaders also are ready to recognize the end of a grammatical sentence when they see a comma rollowed by two signals: • a COORDINATING CONJUNCTION: and. however. if you want to be judged a sophisticated writer. I . object because taxes have risen so steeply. however. nor. 3. Once every couple of pages is probably about right. Many writers avoid semicolons because they find them mildly intimidating. If it ends the first. because that however probably begins a new grammatical sentence. but. object because taxes have risen so steeply. by 1995 Southern states had elected thousands of sheriffs./ Taxpayers have supported public education. particularly in the South. object because taxes have risen so steeply. they now We don't know whether the however ends the first grammatical sentence or introduces the second. so. So learning their use might be worth your time. they now QUICK TIP: If you see more than ten or so words before a however and as many after. the semicolon goes after the however (keep the comma before it): . for. mayors. yet. and American communities. even well-educated writers often incorrectly end one grammatical sentence with a comma and begin the next grammatical sentence with however. so avoid more than one or two a page. . and football appeals to our lust for violence./ Baseball satisfies our admiration for precision. If any of the grammatical sentences has internal punctuation. appeals to our lust for violence./ American intellectuals have often followed Europeans. they accept just a comma between them. speaks to our love of speed and grace.242 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace • and that conjunction verb . An exception: Omit the comma between a coordinated pair of short grammatical sentences if you introduce them with a modifier that applies to both of them: . and football. our newest sport and now more urban than rural. basketball speaks to our love of speed and grace. But choose a period if the two grammatical sentences are long and have their own intemal punctuation. but only if they are short and have no intemal punctuation: . a sport both rural and urban. you either can put a comma at the end of the previous sentence or begin a new punctuated sentence by putting a period there and capitalizing but. so it was not long after that that atheism was felt to threaten national security . QUICK TIP: When you begin a grammatical sentence with but. When readers begin a coordinated series of three or more grammatical sentences. Use a period + But if what follows is important and you intend to go on discussing it: . the oldest indigenous American sport and essentially a rural one./ In the 19505 religion was viewed as a bulwark against communism. basketball./ Once the upheaval after the collapse of the Soviet Union had settled down. separate them with semicolons: . the economies of its former salellites had begun to rebound but Russia's had yet to hit bottom. Too many grammatical sentences joined with and and so feel simplistic./ Baseball. but our culture has proven inhospitable La their brand of socialism. is followed by another subject and . satisfies our admiration for precision. Appendix Punctuation 243 . Use this pattern no more than once or twice a page.. fies what preceded . particularly in understanding the problem-solving strategies of experts.I The immediate consequence of higher gas prices was some curtailment of driving. Conjunction Some readers think it's 4. has made great strides in the last decade. The longterm effect was changes in the car buying habits of Americans. especially with and. but careful writers everywhere use them. a change that the Big Three car manufacturers could not ignore. Period + Coordinating wrong to begin a punctuated sentence with a coordinating conjunction such as and or hut (review pp. a change thal the Big Three car manufacturers could not ignore. it becomes a tool of social repression. Semicolon + Coordinating Conjunction Writers occasionally end one grammatical sentence with a semicolon and begin the next with a coordinating conjunction: . one of the most active areas of psychology.I Education cannot guarantee a democracy. this is entirely correct: . But they are wrong.I The immediate consequence of higher gas prices was some curtailment of driving.. Use a comma instead of a semicolon if the two grammatical sentences are short. so it is no surprise that educators have followed that research with interest. . They . . They. perhaps permanently. Use comma + hut if what follows only qual. But readers are grateful for a semicolon if the two grammatical sentences are long with their own internal commas: . 5.I Tn the 19505 religion was viewed as a bulwark against communism. so soon thereafter atheism was felt to threaten national security. 17-18). And when it is available to only a few. But the long term effect changed the car buying habits of Americans. Four Less Common Forms of End Punctuation Some readers have reservations about these next four ways of signaling the end of a grammatical sentence.I Problem solving. but that did not last long. therefore: . Conjunction Alone Some writers signal a close link between short grammatical sentences with a coordinating conjunction alone. A warning: though writers of the best prose separate short grammatical sentences with just a comma. omitting the comma: . no longer accept that discriminatory treatment. etc.244 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace But then readers more. they are now doing something about it. if-then./ Women. that is. who have always been underpaid. because a comma alone is traditionally condemned as a "comma splice. Comma Alone Though readers rarely expect to see just a comma separate two grammatical sentences. who have always been underpaid. A semicolon would be clearer: . repent at leisure./ Oscar Wilde violated a fundamental all know what happened to him. that neither has internal commas. first-second. many teachers consider it an error. Three Special Cases: Colon. So be sure of your readers before you experiment. they are now doing something about it. Dash. but might be interesting to those who want to distinguish themselves from most other writers. many teachers disapprove. though. such as cause-effect. law of British society and we But the same warning: though writers of the best prose do this." in their view. no longer accept that discriminatory treatment. not this: Women. Colon Discerning readers are likely to think you are a bit sophisticated if you end a sentence with an appropriate colon: they take it as shorthand for to illustrate. Be sure. Parentheses These last three ways of signaling the end of a grammatical sentence are a bit self-conscious. would probably prefer a period there even 6. they can manage if the sentences are short and closely linked in meaning. a significant error. 7. 8. for example. Act in haste. / Genetic counseling requires the following: a knowledge of statistical genetics. Instead. depending on how much you want to emphasize what follows (note: some handbooks claim that the first word after a colon should not be capitalized). 10.Appendix Punctuation ~ 245 Dance is not widely supported: no company operates at a profit. capitalize the first word or not. . QUICK TIP: Avoid a colon if it breaks a clause into two pieces. an awareness of choices open to parents. OBJECT put the colon only after a whole subject-verbstructure: . Dash You can also signal balance more informally with a dash-it suggests a casual afterthought: . sound. and meaning of one clause against another: ~ Civil disobedience is the public conscience of a democracy: mass enthusiasm is the public consensus of a tyranny. put a single period outside: . A colon can also signal more obviously than a comma or semicolon that you are balancing the structure. and the psychological competence to deal with emotional trauma. and there are few outside major cities./ Stonehenge is a wonder-conly a genius could have conceived it. Do not put a period after the sentence inside the parenthesis. If you follow the colon with a grammatical sentence./ Stonehenge is a wonder (only a genius could have conceived it). if what you put in the parentheses is like a short afterthought. neither of which is a grammatically complete sentence. Parentheses You can insert a short grammatical sentence inside another one with parentheses. 9. and the psychological competence to deal with emotional trauma. Avoid this: Genetic counseling requires: a knowledge of statistical genetics. Contrast that with a more formal colon: it makes a difference. an awareness of choices open to parents. Among the most common sentence fragments is a subordinate dependent clause detached from its main clause. 17-18): . Comma 7. 174-176 and Mailer's long sentence on p. you can see those choices in contrast. Intended Sentence Fragments Most readers will think you've made a serious error if you inadvertently punctuate a fragment of a grammatical sentence as a complete one. I win (you lose). 176. Period + coordinating conjunction Semicolon + coordinating conjunction 6. Coordinating conjunction alone Three are for writers Colon I win-you lose. especially one beginning with because (but see pp. Three are conventional-and comrnoru Period Semicolon Comma + coordinating conjunction Four dally the but sentence 4.246 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace point: You can end a grammatical ways. Those writers could have chosen otherwise and thereby created a different stylistic effect. and each has a different effect. Though some ways of punctuating the end of a sentence are flat-out wrong. you can choose from among many that are light. If you look again at the short sentences on pp. Won by Englishmen who wanted freedom and so stopped at home and ! fought for it... And got it. Which is why you must understand how to write a long but clearly constructed sentence that readers can foJlow easily. and that's my freedom. you will be considered at least careless. however. don't listen to [the American colonist]. You should know. then immediately expanding and qualifying it. Because if you do.H. Another common fragment begins with which: Most fragments occur when you write a sentence that goes on so long and becomes so complicated that you start to feel that you are losing control over it and so need to drop in a period to start another sentence. often ironically. England had II i': ~ more freedom of worship in the year 1700 than America had. experienced writers often write fragments deliberately. He didn't come in search of freedom of worship. as I say. Freedom of worship? Read the history of New England during the first century of its existence. as if the writer were speaking to you. Freedom anyhow? The land of the free! This the land of the free! Why. • They are intended to reflect a mind at work. He'll tell you the lie you expect. If you decide to experiment. Free? Why I have never been in any country where the individual has such an abjecl fear of his fellow countrymen. finishing a sentence. I • 11'1 I . Because. Almost as an afterthought. that writers rarely use sentence fragments in academic prose. They are considered a bit too casual. A good example of a passage with several fragments is the one by D.Appendix Punctuation 247 You cannot break a complex sentence into two shorter ones merely by replacing commas with periods. they are free to lynch him the moment he shows he is not one of them . if [ say anything that displeases them. at worst uneducated. fewer than ten or so words . as I just did. be sure that your audience knows that you think you know what you're doing. Which is partly your fault for expecting it. Traditionally. a punctuated sentence that fails to include an independent main clause is wrong. In fact. the free mob will lynch me. When intended. Lawrence in Lesson 9 (fragments are boldfaced): Now listen to me. At least in theory. those fragments typically have two characteristics: • They are relatively short. Readers take semicolons to the end of a grammatical sentence (but see p. but more often you have to rely on judgment. her argument has to be easily rernem- bercd by a jury. as with this one. 257). as in this one: When a lawyer concludes her argument has to be easily remembered by a jury.248 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace PUNCTUATING BEGINNINGS the beginning of a sentence You have no issues in punctuating when you begin directly with its subject. as I did this one. signal Never end an introductory clause or phrase with a semino matter how it long is./ The Administration knew that Iraq's invasion of Kuwait threaterred American interests in Saudi Arabia. when a sentence forces a reader to plow through several introductory words. Always separate an introductory element from the subject of a sentence with a comma if a reader might misunderstand the structure of the sentence. Always use a cornrna there: . 2./ Although the Administration knew that Iraq's invasion of Kuwait threatened American interests in Saudi Arabia. . but it did not imrnediatcly prepare a military response. There are a few rules that your readers expect you to follow. Although the Administration knew that Iraq's invasion of Kuwait threatened American interests in Saudi Arabia. phrases. it did not immediately prepare a military response. revise it. Never colon. and clauses./ When a lawyer concludes. especially when they have their own internal punctuation and readers might be confused by it all (as you may be right now). But if that introductory element is very long and complicated. Do this. However. Five Reliable Rules 1. this. it did not immediately prepare a military response. consider revising it into a grammatical sentence: . forget trying to punctuate it right. . prices continued to rise. . nevertheless. regardless. and nor if the next element is . prices continued to rise. 4. ./ Now it is clear that many will not support this position./ Yet during this period. but it's your choice. When we read a series of such sentences. allegedly. so./ Fortunately. . for. and conjunctions like however. during this period. the art of punctuation is simple. Never put a comma right after a subordinating conjunction if the next element of the clause is its subject. during this period. we cannot know whether life on other planets exists. and hence: . Punctuation that heavy retards a reader a hit. Since readers hear sentences in their mind's ear. These are also correct and for the reader. the whole passage feels hesitant. 5.Appendix Punctuation 249 3. Do not do this: But. Avoid putting a comma after the coordinating conjunctions and./ Yet during this period prices continued to rise. etc. Never this: Although. These include elements such as fortunately. we proved our point But avoid starting many sentences with an introductory element and a comma./ Thus the only alternative is to choose some other action. Put a comma after an introductory word or phrase if it comments on the whole of the following sentence or connects one sentence to another. they expect a pause after such words . the subject./ Yet. thus. etc. . yet. Three Exceptions: We typically omit a comma after now. it is rarely mastered. Some writers who punctuate heavily put a comma after a coordinating or subordinating conjunction if an introductory word or phrase follows: l!' Although. or. but. interest rates did not. perhaps a bit brisker: . prices continued to rise . . 2. It is not wrong to put a comma there./ When a lawyer begins her opening statement with a dry recital of the law and how it must be applied to the case before the court. These are Irelilableprinciples: comma after a short introductory phrase or as you choose. Do not put a comma after a coordinating nating conjunction if the next element of the is its subject./ In 1945 few realized how the war had transformed us. Always separate from subject if a reader might misunderstand the structure of the sentence. Put a comma after a short introductory phrase if it comments on the whole of the following it connects one sentence to-another.250 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace Two Reliable Principles 1. . 2. Never end an introductory clause or phrase with a semicolon. . Readers usually need no punctuation introductory phrase and the subject: between a short . Readers usually need a comma between a long (four or five words or more) introductory phrase or clause and the subject: . the jury is likely to nod off. but it slows readers just as you may want them to be picking up speed. Readers need after a long introductory phrase or clause. Here's the point: Observe them. 1./ Once again we find similar responses to such stimuli . There are. because to punctuate inside a grammatical sentence-morc specifically. Occasionally. no matter how long the subject (nor between the verb and its object). You can help readers SOli it out with a summative subject: • Insert a colon or a dash at the end of the list of subjects: The president. members of the House of Representatives. Verb-Object Do not put a comma between a subject and its verb. the vice president. the secretaries of the departments. the vice president. Do not do this: A sentence that consists of many complex subordinate clauses and long phrases that all precede a verb. members of the House of Representatives. may seem to some students to demand a comma somewhere. senators. the secretaries of the departments. members of the House of Representatives. like this: The president. and Supreme Court justices: all take an oath that pledges them to uphold the Constitution. and Supreme Court justices: • Then insert a one-word subject that summarizes the preceding list: . senators.Appendix Punctuation 251 PUNCTUATING MIDDLES This is where explanations get messy. however. and Supreme Court justices take an oath that pledges them to uphold the Constitution. inside a clause-you have to consider not only the grammar of that clause. a few reliable rules. especially if it consists of a list of items with internal punctuation. but the nuances of rhythm. Subject-Verb. you won't feel that you need a comma. you cannot avoid a long subject. the secretaries of the departments./ The president. Choose a dash or a colon depending on how formal you want to seem. senators. and the emphasis that you want readers to hear in their mind's ear. . Readers generally dislike long subjects. meaning. If you keep them short. the vice president. depending on the emphasis you want readers to hear. become more relevant to the in recent years. You can use commas before and after short interrupting ADVERBIAL PHRASES. if that clause is necessary to understand the meaning of the sentence (this is analogous to a RESTRICTIVE RELATIVE CLAUSE): . That it:c1ause should be moved to the end: .I No one should violate the law. average reader. But that sentence needs more than commas to make it clear./ Modern poetry has become more relevant to the average reader in recent years . So in general. Generally speaking. because in the long run.I Modern poetry has become. you make it harder for readers to make the basic grammatical connections that create a sentence.I Modem poetry has.I No one should violate the law just because it seems unjust. . A sentence. separate it [rom the main clause with a comma . Compare the different emphases in these: . in recent This distinction years. If the clause is not necessary. except for reasons of emphasis or nuance (see pp./ A sentence may seem to need commas if it consists of many complex subordinate clauses and long phrases and all precede a verb. if it consists of many complex: subordinate clauses and long phrases and all precede a verb. more relevant to the average reader . But if you must interrupt a subject and verb or verb and object with mOTC than a few words. always put paired commas around the intenuption. do not use a comma when you tack on a subordinate clause at the end or an independent clause.252 Style: USS011S in Clarity and Grace Interruptions When you interrupt a subject-verb or verb-object. . . it will do more harm than good. 136-137). The general principle is that readers feel emphasis on what immediately precedes and follows a pause. may seem to need commas. . can be tricky at times. avoid such interruptions. which is the source of voice. You can achieve a more casual effect with a dash or parenthesis: . ./ We had to rebuild the larynx. in that case. Loose Commentary "Loose commentary" differs r rom an interruption./ We had to rebuild the larynx-the source of voice-with cartilage from the shoulder. Serbia have for centuries been in the middle of an East-West tug-of-war.Appendix Punctuation 253 . It still needs to be set off with paired commas. Poland. Slovakia. parentheses. . the Czech Republic. replace the second comma or dash with a period. But loose commentary modifies what it stands next to. Hungary. We use no commas with restrictive modifiers. But we always set off nonrestrictive modifiers with paired commas (unless the modifier ends the sentence): . including APPOSITIVES./ The antagonism between Congress and the president has created. with cartilage from the shoulder./ We had to reconstruct the larynx. BieR is the source of voice. Romania. Readers are confused by the long subject in this sentence: The nations of Central Europe./ The antagonism between Congress and the president has created utter distrust among every group of voters . . modifiers that uniquely identify the noun they modify: . among every group of voters. with cartilage from the shoulder. Bulgaria. or dashes. Bosnia. because you can usually move an interruption elsewhere in a sentence. 18-20)./ The house that I live in is 100 years old. One familiar distinction is between restrictive clauses and NONRESTRICTIVE CLAUSES (see pp. so it usually cannot be moved. An appositive is just a truncated nonrestrictive clause: . utter distrust. .. unless it comes at the end of a sentence. It is difficult to explain exactly what counts as loose commentary because it depends on both grammar and meaning./ We had to rebuild the larynx (the source of voice) with cartilage from the shoulder. A dash is useful when the loose commentary has internal commas. Slovakia. however. seeking a place where 1 could write undisturbed. . . parentheses. always set off long interruptions with paired marks of punctuation-commas. . v' r spent my time seeking a place where J could write undisturbed. Hungary. do not use a comma. as Use parentheses when you want readers to hear your comment a sotto voce aside: . Serbia-have for centuries been in the middle of an East-West rug-of-war. Observe them. that the meaning of the comment is not crucial to the meaning ofthe sentence.254 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace They can understand that kind of structure more easily when they can see that loose modifier set off with dashes or parentheses: v' The nations of Central Europe-Poland..I Historians have studied social changes. secure all safes as prescribed in the manual./ The poetry of the fin de siecle (end ofthe century) was characterized by a world-weariness and fashionable despair. Never use semicolons. unless absolutely necessary for clarity./ The brain (at least that part that controls non-primitive functions) may comprise several little brains operating simultaneously.. . Romania. or dashes. Be certain. as announced in the daily bulletin . I \ ./ Offices .U be closed July 2-6.I I i . use a comma to separate it from the first part of the sentence. the Czech Republic. at least in this country . When loose commentary is at the end of a sentence. interrupt a subject and verb or verb and object punctuation. Bosnia. Bulgaria./ These records must be kept at least until the IRS reviews them. Contrast these: . If it is.I I wandered through Europe. . Here'sthepoint: ation. Inside a clause. . are reliable rules of internal punctuI 1. Or use it as an explanatory footnote inside a sentence: ./ Lamarck (1744-1829) was a pre-Darwinian evolutionist.I When closing offices. and bookkeeping tasks . Four Exceptions 1. use a comma hefore a but (kcep the second part short): .I The ocean is nature's destructive.I Lincoln never had a formal education and never owned a large library . Compare these: . If you want your readers to feel the cumulative power of a coordinated pair (or more). Put a comma at the end of an independent clause before a tacked-on subordinate clause when that clause is not essential to the meaning of PUNCTUATING COORDINATED ELEMENTS Punctuating Two Coordinated Elements Generally speaking. and powerful they have taken over more clerical. Compare these: As computers have become sophisticated./' As computers have become sophisticated and powerful they have taken over more clerical and bookkeeping tasks./ Organ transplants expensive. arc becoming more common. For a dramatic contrast. put a comma after the first coordinate element to emphasize the second (keep the second short): . . . . most glorious creation. drop the and and leave just a comma.I The lesson of the pioneers was to ignore conditions that seemed difficult or even overwhelming and to get on wi th the business of subduing a hostile environment. .I Lincoln never had a fonnal education.Appendix Punctuation 255 3. and its most To emphasize a contrast. but not less 2. do not put a comma between just two coordinated elements. never owned a large library. / It is in the graveyard that Hamlet finally realizes that the inregard- evitable end of all life is the grave and clay. Put a comma between long coordinated pairs only if you think your readers need a chance to breathe or to sort out the grammar./ The lesson of the pioneers was to ignore conditions that seemed difficult or even overwhelming./ Conrad's Hear! of Darkness brilliantly dramatizes those primitive impulses that lie deep in each of us and stir only in our darkest dreams. must be dust. to get on with the business of subduing a hostile environment. A comma after clay and life signals a natural pause: . so a reader might have a prohlcm connecting the second half to its origin: Conrad's Heart oiDarkness brilliantly dramatizes those primitive impulses that lie deep in each of us and stir only in our darkest dreams but asserts the need for the values that control those impulses. you need to revise the sentence. put a comma after the . A comma after dreams would clearly mark the end of one coordinate member and the beginning ofthe next: . if a sentence begins with a phrase or subordinate clause modifying two following clauses that are independent and coordinated. 4. 3. if you can make sense out of a complicated sentence like that only with punctuation. In this next sentence. Compare: It is in the graveyard that Hamlet finally realizes that the inevitable end of life is the grave and clay and that the end of all pretentiousness and all plotting and counter-plotting. the comma after clay sorts out the structure of a potentially confusing grave and clay and that regardless. the first half of a coordination is long.256 Style: Lessons ill Clarity arid Grace . but asserts the need for the values that control those impulses. As mentioned above. must be dust. and that the end of all pretentiousness and all plotting and counter-plotting. More important. On the other hand. regardless of one's station in life. less of one's station in life. Contractions Use an apostrophe in all contracted words: don't we'll she'd I'm it's II Writers in the academic world rarely use contractions in their professional writing. Both are correct. his charm and his loyalty made him ow' friend ./ After the Soviet Union collapsed. I've used them in his book. 'Here': the point: Use commas to separate ries the items have no internal punctuation.Appendix Punctuation 257 introductory phrase or clause but do not put a comma between the two coordinated independent clauses: . organic. his charm. Punctuating Three or More Coordinated Elements Finally. the principal action ought to be economical./ Tn mystery novels. but most insist a comma must always precede the last one: . Writers disagree on this one. Russia's economy declined for several years [no comma here] but the economies of former satellites to the west began to expand. there is the matter of punctuating a series of three or more coordinated elements. If any of the items in the series has its own internal commas. because they don't want to seem too casual. clear. use semicolons to show how readers should group the coordinated items: . . and they are Real Rules (review pp. 15-[6). Those who violate them are objects of abuse by those who police such matters. APOSTROPHES There are few options with apostrophes. colons to set off items in a series only if they do. because 1 wanted to avoid a formal tone. . but complicated enough to hold the reader's interest. but be consistent. Check with your instructor before you experiment. . A few omit it. yet not exotic./ His wit.I His wit. fascinating. and logical. and his loyalty made him our friend. only rules. Is. when a word is unambiguously all numbers or multiple capital letters. fence's. with no apostrophe: ThcABCs CDs the 1950s URLs 767s 45s Possessives With a few exceptions. Whatever you choose.S. Never this: bus's. and U (the added s would seem to spell the words As. form the possessive of a singular common or proper noun by adding an apostrophe + s. recommending '+ s in all cases.258 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Plurals Except for two cases. That error invites withering abuse. FDR's third term the U.) For plural common and proper nouns that end in s. add the apostrophe only: politics' importance Descartes' Discourse on Method the audience' attention the United States' role Sophocles' plays for appearance' sake or (Some handbooks give different advice on this issue. add just s. form the possessive by adding an apostrophe only. workers' votes the Smiths' house Form the possessive of a singular compound noun by adding an apostrophe and 5 to the last word: the attorney general's decision his sisters-in-law's business . be consistent. I. horse's. Usc an apostrophe to form plurals in only two contexts: (1) with all lower ease single letters and (2) with the single capital letters A. never use an apostrophe to [arm a plural. For these.'s history a 747's wingspan 5 The exceptions include singular nouns that already end in with the sound of s. and Us): Dot your i's and cross your t's many A'sand Is However. . Never put a single comma between a subject and its verb or between a verb and its object. Youmight also analyze these passages for features of elegance. Punctuate them three times. You can even improve them some. Exercise A.3 These passages lack their original punctuation. not easy to do. Beyond that.Appendix Punctuation 259 SUMMING UP Rather than summarize this detailed material. write a clearly structured sentence in the first place. once using the least punctuation possible. and your punctuation will take care of itself. especially how their sentencesbegin and end. Always set off long interrupting elements with commas. That means you must put yourself in the place of your reader.a secondtime using as much varied punctuation as you can. On the other hand. and then a third time as you think best. Scientis1sand philosophers of science tend to speak as if "scientific language" were intrinsically precise as if those who use it must understand one another's meaning even if they disagree I but in fact scientific language is not as different from ordinary language as is commonly believed I it too is subject to imprecision and ambiguity and hence to imperfect understanding I moreover new theories or arguments are rarely if ever constructed by way of clear-cut steps of induction deduction and verification or falsification I neither are they defended rejected or accepted in so straightforward a manner f in practice scientists combine the rules of scientific methodology with a generous admixture of intuition aesthetics and philosophical commitment I the importance of what are sometimes called extra-rational or extra-logical components of thought in the discovery of a new principle or law is generally acknowledged I . J offer just four bits of advice: • • • • Always signal the end of a grammatical sentence. Always observe the five reliable rules on pages 248-249. use your judgment: punctuate in ways that help your readers sec the connections and separations that they have lo see to make sense of your sentences. Slash marks indicate grammatical sentences. but the role of these eX1ra-logicalcomponents in persuasion and acceptance in making an argument convincing is less . but something you must learn.. 1. In fact of course the notion of universal knowledge has always been an illusion I but it is an illusion fostered by the monistic view of the world in which a few great central truths determine in all its wonderful and amazing proliferation everything else that is true I we are not today tempted to search for these keys that unlock the whole of human knowledge and of man's experience I we know that we are ignorant I we are well taught it I and the more surely and deeply we know our own job the better able we are to appreciate the full measure of our pervasive ignorance I we know that these are inherent limits compounded no doubt and exaggerated by that sloth and that complacency without which we would not be men at alii but knowledge rests on knowledge I what is new is meaningful because it departs slightly from what was known before I this is a world of frontiers where even the liveliest of actors or observers will be absent most of the time from most of them I perhaps this sense was not so sharp in the village that village which we have learned a little about but probably do not understand too well the village of slow change and isolation and fixed culture which evokes our nostalgia even if not our full comprehension I perhaps in the villages men were not so lonely I perhaps they found in each other a fixed community a fixed and only slowly growing store of knowledge of a single world I even that we may doubt I for there seem to be always in the culture of suchtimes and placesvast domains of mystery if not unknowable then imperfectly known endless and open. -J. conventions that are acquired over years of practice and participation in a community.260 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace frequently discussed partly because they are less visible I the ways in which the credibility or effectiveness of an argument depends on the realm of common experiences or extensive practice in communicating those experiences in a common language are hard to see precisely because such commonalities are taken for granted I only when we step out of such a "consensual domain" when we can stand out on the periphery of a community with a common language do we begin to become aware of the unarticulated premises mutual understandings and assumed practices of the group I even in those subjects that lend themselves most readily to quantification discourse depends heavily on conventions and interpretation. -Evelyn Fox Keller." from Science and the Common Understanding . Robert Oppenheimer. A Feeling for the Organism: The Life and Work of Barbara McClintock 2. "The Sciences and Man's Community. . It will be proved to thy face. -ANTHONY BURGESS Thou hast most traitorously currupted the yuuth ufthe realm in erecting a grammar school . 4. -WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. . that thou hast men about thee that usually talk ofa noun and a verb. LANGLAND Most of the grounds of the world's troubles are matters ofgrammar. without relating it to function. . is utter madness. 2 HENRY VI.GLOSSARY Grammar is the ground -WILLIAM ofall.7 261 . But to study it for its own sake. -MONTAIGNE There is a satisfactory boniness about grammar which the flesh of sheer vocabulary requires before it can become vertebrate and walk the earth. and such abominable words as no Christian ear can endure to hear. etc. think. If you want to do a quick review to get started. SIMPLE SUBJECT. cause. There are two kinds: RESTRICTIVE and NONRESTRICTIVE. I refer you to those pages. W Action: Prototypically. is gone. and VERB. explanatory. read the entries on SIJBJECr. But actions also appear in NOMINALIZATIONS: movement. whom. It . just definitions useful for the terms in this book. very interesting. resultant. Where the text discusses something at length. they usually begin with a relative pronoun: which. Also called clauses. hatred. etc. whose. condition. WHOLE SUBJEC'T. thought. Adverb Phrase: An adverb and what attaches to it: as soon as I could.262 Style: Lessons in Claruv and Grace h a t follows is no tight theory of grammar. putting them between the and a noun: The occupational the major reason. It modifies a VERB or ADJECTIVE. Some nouns also appear there-the chemical hazard. distinguish adjectives from adverbs by hazard. Since this is also a test for ADVERBS. we were on time. indicating time. that. Adverb: Adverbs modify all parts of speech except Adjectives extremely large. who. Adverbial Clause: This is a kind of SUBORDINATE CLAUSE. somewhat rudely precisely the man I meant. hate. My car. Clause: Adjectival clauses modify nouns. often slept Verbs Adverbs Articles Sentences very carefully. just the thing 1 need Fortunately. Adjective: A word you can put very in front of: very old. etc. Actions are also implied in some adjectives: advisable. RELATIVE Adjectival Restrictive Nonrestrictive The book that 1 read was good. action is expressed by a verb: move. which you saw. discovery. 18-20. discover. Adjective Phrase: An ADJEC'TIVE and what attaches to it: so full NOUNS: that it burst. etc. additional. See pp. Active: See pp. rather old frequently spoke. There arc exceptions: major. 76-77. these. the. those. CONJUNCTION such as because.Glossary 263 usually begins with a SUBORDINATING when. The verb must agree with the subject in number and can be made past or present. that. an agent is the seeming source of any action. Article: They are easier to list than to define: a. we can make the means by which we do something a seeming agent: This report criticizes the program. since. an. Often. She helped me. while. vbhieh is a dalmatian. Agent: Prototypically. I will stop. if. Agents prototypically are subjects. Clause: A clause has two defining characteristics: I. ran away. as wel1. Do not confuse agents with SUBJECTS. 34-38. unless: If you leave. Appositive: A noun phrase that is left after deleting which and be: My dog. You seem tired. an entity without which the action could not occur: She criticized the program in this report. Complement: Whatever completes a VERB: I am home. they should develop their educational and industrial resources. By this definition. Character: See pp. ACTION. these are clauses: She left that they leave if she left why he is leaving These next are not. but an agent can be in a grammatical OBJECT. It has a sequence of at least one SUBJECT + VERB. because the verbs cannot be made past tense nor do they agree in number with the putative subject: for them to go her having gone Conuna Splice: You create a comma splice when you join two independen t clauses with only a comma: Oil-producing countries depend too much on oil revenues. 244. See p. this. 2. agents are flesh-and-blood sources of an but for our purposes. Compound Noun: See pp. Because he left. I did too. I underwent an interrogation by the police. . 69-70. so. one beginning with a capital letter and ending with a period or question mark. for. however. nor. that thus. when. ---7 She wanted to left. or CLAUSES. if. PHRASES. 66. nevertheless and. or. (n)either X (nlor Y. ---7 and can be The money was found by me. yet. INFINITIVE These are not finite verbs because we cannot change the to a past tense: She wants to leave.red and black. whom. although.264 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Conjunction: Usually defined as a word that links words. but.X as well as Y Coordination: Coordination joins two grammatical same order with and. which. or exclamation mark: Because 1 left. Dependent Clause: Any CLAUSE that cannot be punctuated as a MAIN CLAUSE. They are easier to illustrate than define (the first two are also categorized as SUBORDINATING conjunctions): adverbial conjunctions relative conjunctions sentence conjunctions coordinating conjunctions correlative conjunctions because. ---7 She wanted to leave. Fragment: A PHRASE or DEPENDENT CLAUSE that begins with a capitalletter and ends with a period. therefore. nor both X and Y. since who. not only X but Y. question mark. run or jump in the house but not in the basement \vhen I leave or when you arrive Dangling Modifier: See p. but. that: why he left because be left which he left VERB Direct Object: The NOUN that follows a TRANSITIVE made the SUBJECT of a PASSIVE verb: I found the money. Though I am here! What you did? . These are finite verbs because we can change their tense from past to present and vice versa: She wants to leave. when. Finite Verb: A verb that can be made past or present. which. It usually begins with a subordinating conjunction such as because. whose. Of. yet: same part of speech phrases clauses units of the you and T. Glossary 265 These are complete sentences: He left because I did. SUBJECT But in some cases. Intensifier: Intransitive He exists. She became a doctor. Grammatical Sentence: 121~122. It often is preceded by the word to: He decided to stay. OBJECT and so cannot be made These are not TRANSITIVE verbs: They left town. 238-239. That they left. Free Modifier: Sec pp. that refers to its SUBJECT. as an . Cerund: A NOMINALTZATION created by adding -ing to a ~ VERB: When she left we were happy. as a Infinitive: A VERB that cannot be made past or present. She seems reliable. She received a warm welcome. Her leaving made us happy. she is not! I know what we did. Verb: A verb that does not take an PASSIVE. Independent grammatical Clause: A CLAUSE that that can be punctuated sentence. COMPLEMENT Linking Verb: A VERB with a He is my brother. 122-123. These arc incorrectly punctuated: Because she left. Though I am here. Sec pp. goals are I see you. 142-143. sentence: We are leaving. Hedge: See pp. See pp. the literal goal of an action can be the of an ACTIVE VERB: I underwent an interrogation. They became teachers. Whom you spoke to. Why did you leave? A SUBORDINATE or DEPENDENT CLAUSE cannot be punctuated independent sentence. I built a house. Goal: That toward which the cases. But sometimes not: We helped him repair the door. Main Clause: A main or independent clause has at least a SUBJECT and VERB (imperatives are the exception) and can be punctuated as an independent I left. ACTION of a VERB is directed. In most DIRECT OBJECTS: I broke the dish. others abstract: ambition. them. DIRECT object: the NOUN following a TRA"slTIliE VERB: I read the book. him. swum. yours. Past Participle: Usually the same form as the past tense -ed:jumped. a VERBand its direct Parallel: Sequences of COORDINATED words. your. as the SUBJECT or OBJECT a VERB: hat you are here proves that you love me. 18-20. 65-68. Some are concrete: dog. they. speed. hers. me. rock. 2. CI. 38-39. my. mine. It also serves as a modifier: FOUND money. INDIRECT object: the noun between object: I gave him a tip. nouns derived from VERBS or ADJECTIVES. our. broken. The nouns that most concem us are NOMIKALIZATIONS. 61-63. I am FOUND. Passive: See pp. Noun Clause: A noun clause functions like a noun. their. he. wide -j width. PHRASES. car. etc. ours.266 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Main Subject: SUBJECTf the MAIN o CLAUSE. worked. you. of T Object: There are three kinds: I. This is parallel: I decided to work hard and do a good job. Metadiscourse: Nominalization: Nonrestrictive See pp. us. we. she. This is not: I decided to work hard and that I should do a good job. See pp. We followed the car.ACSES or are parallel when they are of the same grammatical structure. It follows forms of be and have: I have GONE. PREPOSITIONAL object: the noun following a preposition: in the house by the walk across the street with fervor 3. his. her. act -j action. Personal Pronoun: Easier to list than define: I. . Irregular VERBS have irregular forms: seen. theirs. space. Clause: See pp. her. Noun: A word that fits this frame: The [ ] is good. Preposition: by. Possessive: Predicate: my. Stress: See pp. whose. 238-239. ready to work. 18-20. thinking. Phrase: The preposition plus its VERB: OBJECT: in + the house. 141-142. over. beginning with the including the COMPLEMENT and what attaches to it: predicate He [left yesterday to buy a hat]. its. that when used in Clause: See pp. Simple Subject: The simple subject is the smallest unit inside the WHOLE SUBJECT that determines whether a VERB is singular or plural: [The [books] simplesubjecl that are required reading] whole subject are listed. was leaving. The simple subject should be as close to its verb as you can get it.Glossary 267 Phrase: SUBJECT A group of words constituting a unit but not including a and a FINITE VERB: the dog. which. Prepositional Easier to list than to define: in. her. Clause: See pp. Restrictive Resumptive who. your. Modifier: See pp. If a book is required reading. Whatever follows the whole SUBJECT. VERB: Progressive: Punctuated Relative form of the Running streams are beautiful. Sentence: See pp. etc. VERB PHRASE. Relative Pronoun: a relative clause. on. whom. Present Participle: The The -ing form of a PRESENT PARTICIPLE running. it is listed. his. at: at. their or a NOUN ending with -5 or -5': the dog's tail. Run-on Sentence: A PUNCTuATED SENTENCE consisting of two or more GRAMMATICAL SENTENCES not separated by either a COORDINATING CONJUNCTION or any mark of punctuation this entry illustrates a runon sentence. too old. . in the house. up. 95-99. 18-20. . SUBJECT in number and The books were returned. unless. when. resemble. Modifier: Sec p. agrees with in number: One man is at the door. The prototypical direct object can be made the SUBJECT of a PASSIVE verb: We read the hook. etc. that. 102-104. when. and ADJECTIVAL. because. There are three kinds of subordinate clauses: NOUN. Verb: The word that must agree with the that can bc inllected for past or present: The book is ready. whose. Topic String: The sequence of TOPICS through a series of sentences. Summative Topic: See pp. Distinguish thc WHOLE SUBJECT from its SIMPLE SuBJECT. and stand (as in He stands six feet tall) are not transitive. Transitive Verb: A VERB with a DIRECT OBJECT. that.268 Style: Lessons ill Clarity and Grace VERB Subject: The subject is what the Two men are at the door. . unless. or which. By this definition. who. who. SUBORDl1-:ATING CONJUNCTION Subordinate Clause: Subordinating Conjunction: which. since. ADVERBlAL. ~ The book was read by us. VERB used to talk about events that are A clause that usually begins with a such as if. Whole Subject: You can identify a whole subject once you identify its VERB: Put a who or a what in front of the verb and turn the sentence into a question. Subjunctive: A form of the contrary to fact: If he were President . The direct object prototypically "receives" an ACTION.. become. 142. The fullest answer to the question is the whole subject: The ability of the city to manage education is an accepted fact. Question: What is an accepted fact? Answer (and whole subject): the ability of the city to manage education Distinguish the whole subject from the SIMPLE SUBJECT: The ability of the city to manage education is an accepted fact. if. are unprepared.5 lb. Sa. many much better. failure. No nominaHzations. met. elevate. teach. education. Verbs: Sa. improving.4 ] a. 7b. Verbs: has been. Nominalizations: understanding. costs. 3a. Verbs: argue. Verbs: have. Nominalizations: 3b.SUGGESTED ANSWERS Y will almost certainly come up with answers different from these. 3b. Nominalizations: life. disappearance. Nominalizations: instruction. realize. Colleges understand that they can no longer increase tuition yearly because parents are strongly resisting the soaring cost of higher education. employment. are. 7b. focus only on the general principle of the lesson and exercise. protect. failed. hundreds of thousands of jobs disappeared. Verbs: Sb. achievement. 269 . use. Nominalizations: speculation. OU EXERCISE 3. resistance. Verbs: identified. defining. Nominalizations: loss. increases. Don't worry whether yours is wordfor-word like mine. EXERCISE 3. immunize. share. Economists have attempted but failed to define full employment. discover. adjust. Nominalizations: attempts. When domestic automakers lost market share to the Japanese. develop. Verbs: risk. Verbs: 7a. resulted in. Some educators have speculated whether the family improves educational achievement (helps students achieve more). 1b. fail. faculty must cooperate with students to set goals that they can achieve within a reasonable time. 1. They performed intelligently. 3. depending on the characters do not write There are many plausible alternatives we invent. If the data contradict each other. to explain why more voters voted in 9. EXERCISE 4. but when the South attacked Fort Sumter. 5. you must explain why. war became inevitable. 11. the Board may ter- successfully. Lincoln hoped to preserve the Union without war. To write more coherently. Because the health care industry cannot control costs. students 3.6 1. [I like the passive here in order to stress "marketplace. 3. but did not stage it 3."] . Business executives predicted that the economy would quickly revive. 7. the public may decide that Congress must act. Tn recent years. To implement a new cuniculum procedures. Several candidates attempted this year's elections.2 1. 15. more clearly or directly. The business sector did not independently study why the trade surplus suddenly increased. Networks arc aware that they must revise their programming because viewers are watching network TV iess and rental DVDs and cable more. EXERCISE the play enthusiastically.1 1.7 here. 5. historians have reassessed the place of Columbus in Western history because they have interpreted the discovery of America in new ways. Those on welfare become independent when they learn skills valued by the marketplace. 5. If members depart from established minate their membership. The CIA is uncertain testing. EXERCISE 4. trace the transitions in a book or well-written article. whether North Korea intends to cease missile 13.270 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace EXERCISE 3. Although we use models to teach prose style. ."] EXERCISE 4. but it is so common that no reader of technical prose would balk.. . We believe that students binge because they do not understand risks of alcohol. the current flow rate was compared to the original rate on the basis of figures coJlected by Jordan in his study of diversion patterns of slow-growth swamps. We will announce the results when we think it appropriate. [This sentence technically has a dangling modifier. Only recently has the Department of Justice loosened restrictions on the circumstances that warrant it. we can make more changes: "Even though this section is devoid of emotion. That last clump of nominalizations is acceptable. 3. In Section IV. but he takes all emotion away from them . 7. When the author treats the conspiracy theories. because it is a technical term.3 the I I 1. I argue that the United States fought the Vietnam War to extend its influence in Southeast Asia and did not end it until North Vietnam made it clear that it could be defeated only if the United States used atomic weapons. We analyzed your figures to determine their accuracy. In the first sentence.. He presents this entire . but when he picks up the narrative line again. 5.. I argue that the indigenous culture overcultivated land and thereby exhausted it as a food-producing area. [Some will object here that the repeated use of "Biercerhe" is monotonous... but how we think about it and decide what we like best. most of us never notice when subjects are repeated.Suggested Answers 271 3. courts enforced federal regulations concerning the use of wiretaps. but betrays no feeling because he uses neutral and unemotional language. it has many details." Again. even though he fills it with details. because it has the S. In this article. "write in the active voice.4 1. We suggest that Russia's economy has improved exported more crude oil for hard currency. Bierce presents the first section of . he describes . and second.] EXERCISE 4. To evaluate how the flow rate changed. That means going beyond simply repeating the rule. the question is nut which is the correct revision. In paragraph 2. he invests his prose with the same vigor and force... dispassionately. he describes .. For many years. 3. he abandons his impassioned narrative style and adopts a cautious one. S. Two points: first.. The Social Security program guarantees a potential package of benefits based on what individuals contribute to the program over their lifetime. He succeeded in the first as testified to by the drop in . as indicated by our increased involvement . they improved their ability to solve nonverbal problems. Except for those areas covered with ice or scorched by continual heat.1 1. EXERCISE 5. When the president assumed office. 5. in games 7.. Nevertheless. In his paper on children's thinking. Plants grow most richly in fertilized plains and river valleys. This paper investigates how computers process information that simulate human cognition. The committee on standards for plant safety discussed nouncements about regulating air quality. but they also grow at the edge of perpetual snow in high mountains. EXERCISE 4. he had two aims-the recovery of . . We might therefore explore whether children could learn to solve problems better if they practiced how to formulate them. Vegetation will cover the earth long after we have been swallowed up by evolutionary history. The goal of this article is to describe how readers comprehend and produce protocols about recall. 3. Plants grow in the cracks of busy city sidewalks as well as on seemingly barren cliffs. Jones thinks that they performed better because they used previously acquired language habits to articulate the problems and activate knowledge learned through language... the earth is covered by vegetation.272 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace 7.. 3. Jones (1985) stressed the importance of language skills in the ability of children to solve problems.2 1. EXERCISE 5.6 recent antext 1.. Dense vegetation grows in the ocean and around its edges as well as in and around lakes and swamps. the American voter was pleased by vast increases in the military . But he had less success with the second.... We wrote these directives as simply as possible to communicate effectively with employees who do not read well. He reported that when children improved their language skills. [One can imagine different rationales for different strcsses. leaders in Congress. It will always be true that human nature produces differences of opinion. it could manipulate public opinion through biased reporting. Russia and China had just proclaimed a Sino-Soviet bloc. Truman should have risked taking the Oppenheimer recommendation. at least. the Republic is most threatened by the President's tendency to rewrite the Constitution. Though modern mass communication offers many advantages. he had to consider many issues.3 1. EXERCISE 6. it also poses many threats. In retrospect. In large American universities the opportunities with individual students are limited. According to some. During the reign of Queen Elizabeth.. did I' 'I . And while it provides us with a knowledge of public affairs through its national coverage. College students commonly complain about teachers who assign a long term paper and then give them a grade but no comments. readers could find it in at least a dozen books. i 5. e was also losing support for H his foreign policy among Republic . it may accentuate divisiveness and factionalism by connecting otherwise isolated. When Truman considered the Oppenheimer committee's recommendation to stop the hydrogen bomb project. [or faculty to work .2 1. It was inevitable that Truman would conclude he could not let the public think he had allowed Russia to be first in developing the most powerful weapon yet. but he had to face political issues that were too powerful to ignore. Most of these stories. according to some historians. EXERCISE ! 6. so one issue he had to face was the Cold \IVaI'. 3. the story of King Lear and his daughters was so popular that by the time she died. but history has shown that the media give as much coverage to people who encourage conflict as to people who try to remove it. media can suppress faction through education when it communicates the true nature of cont1icts.Suggested Answers 273 EXERCISE 5. the public demanded that he respond strongly. and when m the Russians tested their first atom bomb.1 1. but the media may reinforce the threat of faction and division when it publishes uninformed opinion in national coverage. 3. however. local conflicts into a single larger conflict when it shows us conflicts about the same issues occurring in different places. If it were controlled by a powerful minority.] In my opinion. 3. the government can pay its debts. 11. perhaps his greatest tragedy. Or: An agency may reject a person from . Because the most important event in Thucydides' History is Athens' catastrophic Sicilian Invasion. But while he based his characters on these stock figures of legend.1 1. only when that agency provides a full hearing into why it rejected her. [The important thing here is to get the sequence of items in a regular order: I could imagine an argument insisting that the percentage be at the end of sentence. 5. because it is that sentence that announces those themes in its stress. Indiana and Illinois.580. Revenues changed as follows during July I-August 31: Ohio and Kentucky. Critics must use complex and abstract terms to analyze literary texts meaningfully. will reconcile only when they agree on the . Catholics and Protestants Pope's authority. Most patients who go to a public clinic do not expect special treatment. If we pay taxes. 13. We can reduce the federal deficit only if we reduce federal spending.792.. 7. EXERCISE 7. Wisconsin and Minnesota. Several versions of this story must have been available to Shakespeare when he began work on Lear. A person may be rejected from a cost-sharing educational program only if that person receives a full hearing into why she was rejected.3 The second sentence best introduces the themes of turmoil and disputed succession to the throne. up 10 percent from $153. because their health problems are minor and can be easily treated..274 Style: lessons in Clarity and Grace not develop their characters and were simple narratives with an obvious moral. Graduate students face an uncertain teaching jobs.] EXERCISE 6. 3. he turned them into credible human beings with complex motives. Thucydides devotes three-quarters of his book to setting it up.934 to $56. down 5 percent from $200. 9.102 to $190. future at best in finding good 5.281 to $168.651. up 73 percent from $32. We can see this anticipation especially in how he describes the step-by-step decline in Athenian society so that he could create the inevitability that we associate with the tragic drama. ) EXERCISE 7.] 5. . 3. [Sounds significant. Egyptian and Greek thought influenced scientific thinking. even if they were willing to discuss such a system. it is premature to recommend that all the states should fully commit themselves to it. but who knows?] 3. 11. Recent research has applied schemata theory to the pedagogy of solving mathematical problems.Suggested Answers 275 EXERCISE 7.3 t . 5. world climate will change. it did not anticipate inflation. One principle governs how to preserve the wilderness from exploitation. Therefore. When Congress funded the Interstate Highway System. 3. [Sounds banal to me.] 7. Schools transmit more social values than do families. But we can not expect any immediate improvement in the level of expertise of judges who hear these cases. The music industry has ignored the problem of how to apply a rating system to offensive lyrics broadcast over FM and AM radio. If carbon monoxide continues to be emitted. We could prevent foreign piracy of videos and CDs if the justice systems of foreign countries moved cases faster through their courts and imposed stiffer penalties. "Reality" shows are the most popular appeal to our voyeuristic impulses. American and British historians have interpreted what caused the War of 1812 in radically different ways. stations are unlikely to improve their public image. On the other hand. [Sounds dull to me. Young people will not be discouraged from smoking just because the film and TV industries agree not to show characters smoking. Until it does. 5. EXERCISE 8. 9. [Seems significant. 7.1 1. Proponents of workfare have not yet shown it is a successful alternative to welfare because they have not shown evidence that it can provide meaningful and regular employment for welfare recipients.4 will always appeal to our 1. shows on TV because they 13. Because of their methodological differences. and so the system has run into financial problems. Birth order relates to academic success. some TV programming most prurient interests. 276 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace EXERCISE 8. 3. we must avoid appearing be working only for our own self-interest. in the Middle East. Itrying to stem an ever rising drop-out rate. 3. EXERCISE 9. a change that is long overdue . ~ .1. S. Tn the Renaissance...2 1. bringing together knowledge and modes of thought that resulted in a new vision of humankind's potential.. Both scientists and laypeople have been troubled by the ethical issues of test-tube fertilization...! ..3 to 1. 5.. science has progressed because dedicated scientists have ignored the hostility of an uninformed public. an event that has changed the way we think about what it means to be human.! a mystery that we can answer either biologically or spiritually/ hoping that one day we might stop our inevitable decline into infirmity and death. I . For millennia. to · make what we have better than to those who tell us how to get what we don't have.. Throughout history. finding in them inevitable conflicts between self-interest and religious values.! .' . greater affluence and political stability allowed streams of thought to merge. why we age has been a puzzle. 5..! . . basics that have been the foundation of education for cenruries. 7.2 . 3. If we invest our sweat in these projects. Boards of education can no longer expect that taxpayers will support the extravagancies of incompetent bureaucrats. Many school systems are returning to the basics.. We should pay more attention to those politicians who tell us hoc . a historical development that both undermined the dominance of religious authority over knowledge and laid the groundwork for everything that we know about the world. Some teachers mistake neat papers that rehash old ideas for great thoughts wrapped in impressive packaging..! .. EXERCISE 9.. and in Europe itself. issues that require the most delicate balancing between religion and medical hope. Those who argue stridently over small matters are unlikely to think clearly about large ones. a puzzle that only now can be answer with any certainty. streams that originated in ancient Greece.. . but you will now pay rates that have been restructured consistent with the policy of The Public Utilities Act that lets us base what you pay on what it costs to provide you with service.. . the secondary latch might not hold the hood down. understanding.. It too is subject to . Neither are they defended. you won't be able to see. . You have not had to pay . The importance.. . common experiences. falsification. Moreover.. first with the least punctuation and then with much more. in fact. were intrinsically precise. . . . aesthetics commitment. " '.. .3 Here are the two passages.. EXERCISE 12. discourse depends heavily on conventions and interpretation. . the unarticulated premises... so that we can charge you for what we pay to provide you with service. Even in those subjects... as if those ... But. . . 1. Only when we step out of such a "consensual domain.. Scientists and philosophers of science .Suggested Answers 277 EXERCISE 12.. less visible.. If you don't latch the primary latch. . even if they disagree. If either of these things occurs. disagree. to quantification.. of intuition.. .1 As the Illinois Commerce Commission has authorized. As the Illinois Commerce Commission has authorized.. we are charging you. scientific language . but we are restructuring the rates now .2 Your car may have a defective part that connects the suspension to the frame. I can imagine. is subject to .. you won't be able to steer.. .. you could crash.. generally acknowledged. you will have to pay . But in fact scientific language believed. We may also have to adjust the secondary latch on your hood because we may have misaligned it. as if those who use it . Scientists and philosophers precise. . The ways in. rejected or accepted in so straightforward a manner.. ! EXERCISE A." when we can stand out. commonly believed: it.. taken for granted. mutual understandings and assumed practices of the group... meaning. In practice scientists combine . But the role of. conventions that are acquired over years of practice and participation in a community. new theories or arguments are rarely if ever constructed by way of clear-cut steps of induction. too. If you brake hard and the plate fails. If the hood flies up while you are driving.. on extensive practice . We have not raised rates . . This is a world of frontiers. Even that we may doubt.. constructed by way of clear-cut steps of induction... and verification or falsification. because it departs. where even the liveliest .. The importance of what are. or accepted in so straightforward a manner. aesthetics. and hence to imperfect understanding.. of the time. discourse depends heavily on conventions and interpretation. Only when we step out of such a "consensual domain." when we can stand .. partly because they are less visible. pervasive ignorance... everything else that is true. Moreover. of an argument depends on the realm of common experiences.. this sense was not so sharp in the village. the notion of . the better able .. if ever. In fact of course. tempted to search . neither are they defended.. Perhaps. For there seem . the notion of universal knowledge . from most of them. central truths determine. and the more surely and deeply we know our own job. or effectivencss .. rejected. participation in a community. \Ve are well taught it.278 Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace imprecision and ambiguity. the better able . not understand too well. that . a fixed and .. or extralogical components of .. frequently discussed. and of man's experience: \ve know that we are ignorant. man's experience. 2.. today. Perhaps this sense was not so sharp in the village. Even in those subjects . else that is true. law is generally acknowledged .. We are not today . What is new is known before... and assumed practices of the group.. quantification.... called extra-rational.. on extensive practice .. been an illusion. deduction.. The ways in which the credibility. But knowledge rests on knowledge. and exaggerated by . We know that we are ignorant. This is a world . In fact. view of the world. But the role of these extra-logical .. slightly.. compounded. but it is an illusion .. the village of slow change . a common language.. men at all. no doubt. pervasive ignorance. we are well taught it... new theories. illusion. of course.. And the more surely and deeply we know our own job. Perhaps they found in each other a fixed community.. are hard to see precisely. But it is an illusion fostered . endless and open... or arguments.. are rarely... In practice. do we begin to become aware of the unarticulated premises. language. that village which .... sometimes. and philosophical commitment. because such commonalities are taken for granted. Perhaps in the villages men were not so lonely. single world.. We know that these are inherent limits. mutual understandings. conventions that . But knowledge rests on knowledge: what is new is meaningful. We know men at all. We arc not. in all its wonderful and amazing proliferation.. full comprehension. .. from most of them. from what was known before. scientists combine the rules of scientific methodology with a generous admixture of intuition. in which a few great. then imperfectly knownendless and open. perhaps they found in each other a fixed community. I I .. which evokes our nostalgia. Perhaps in the villages men were not so lonely. and places. Even that we may doubt. a fixed and. and fixed culture.Suggested Answers 279 village which we have learned a little about. but probably do not understand too well-the village of slow change. single world. . and isolation. . for there seem . if not unknowable.. even if not our full comprehension. vast domains of mystery.

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