Kate Lý JohnstonTitle: She Kills Monsters Event: Humorous Interpretation Author: Qui Nguyen Publisher: Samuel French ISBN #: 9780573700576 Word Count: 1341 She Kills Monsters By Qui Nguyen [SCENE ONE] NARRATOR: Agnes Evans grew up average in the average town of Athens, Ohio with her little sister Tilly, who was anything but average. TILLY: What are you doing? AGNES: The phone. What are you doing? TILLY: Trying to reanimate a dead lizard with electricity. AGNES: Oh, okay… WHAT?! NARRATOR: They had nothing in common. Then on the night of Agnes’ high school graduation, Agnes made a wish she would forever regret. AGNES: I wish my life was less boring. NARRATOR: And so the gods answered her by killing every one of her loved ones in a single car crash. AGNES: Wait, what? NARRATOR: But this isn’t the story of that tragedy. This is the story of how Agnes finally found a way out. And so is Agnes. Agnes regrets never being able to connect with her. World of Warcraft.I wasn’t scared. And by playing games. NARRATOR: In a time before Facebook. I’m “big” where it counts. [SCENE TWO] CHUCK: (singing to himself) AGNES: Um… Chuck? CHUCK: WHOA. yeah. there once existed simply a game. Chuck. It was calledCHUCK: D&D. She Kills Monsters. I’m looking for Chuck Biggs? CHUCK: You’re looking at him! But my homies just call me DM Biggs cause.[INTRO] Queen Elizabeth II probably once said. I want to play it. by Qui Nguyen. Can you help me figure out what it all means? CHUCK: Hm. So this notebook is all I have left of my sister. AGNES: Hi. She begins to play Dungeons and Dragons to try and gain a new understanding of the person her sister was. but it also allows her to connect with Tilly on a completely different level. “Board games are cool!” I’m right with you. Tilly. Queenie. not only does this allow Agnes to find her inner badass. MY BRAIN! AGNES: Cool. So advanced in its advanciness it would take a whole second edition to contain all its mighty geekery. So what do you want to to with this? AGNES: Well. . you know. and MMO RPG’s. lemme checkity check it out! It’s a plan for a game of Dungeons and Dragons. When Agnes’ sister Tilly dies. TILLY: Stop being an ass-hat.You know.(They go into the game) CHUCK: (speaking all wizard-y) Greetings. CHUCK: It is decided. Tilly. Ready???? (Tilly enters) TILLY: And what will be your character name? AGNES: Tilly? TILLY: No. I wish you’d left a diary or a journal. I’m not going to fight you. Your mission is to find and free the Lost Soul of Athens before it is devoured by the dark forces of darkness. TILLY: You’re going to die five seconds into this. you’re already dead so we’ll at least have that in common. I’m busy. AGNES: This is the Overlord of the Underworld? . the Great Tillius of Paladin. My name is Chuck Biggs and I will be your Dungeon Master! Are. (Orcus is chilling and watching TV) TILLY: It is I. and I have come here toORCUS: Dude. AGNES: That’s not what I. what will be your character name? AGNES: Tilly… how… uh… Agnes. Agnes. Adventurers. AGNES: Well. CHUCK: Agnes the Ass-hatted. welcome to the Quest. you are Agnes the Ass-hatted. You. but of course you had to be a dork and leave a module instead. [SCENE THREE] NARRATOR: And so Agnes the Ass-hatted and Tillius the Paladin ventured forth into the dark dwellings of the truly evil ORCUS THE OVERLORD. But you’ll have to face and defeat all three of its guardians. look at the little forest fairy! Hello. you overgrown sack of stupid. just cause I’m pretty don’t mean I won’t cut you! AGNES: I thought fairies were supposed to be nice. You must climb the mountain of steepness to the castle of evil. little fairy. My soul. TILLY: We wish to free the lost soul of athens. following Orcus’ path. Behold my comically large map of New Landia. . And it is a TV AND VCR. TILLY: You just gave my soul to the Tiamat? ORCUS: Traded! Traded. TILLY: Take us to the Tiamat. um.ORCUS: FORMER Overlord of the Underworld! I quit. but she immediately decks him in the mouth. ORCUS: This is awkward. Orcus! Now! ORCUS: Fine. NARRATOR: And so our team of adventurers set forth. Tiamat. how are you? (Orcus goes to pet the Faerie. It was indeed treacherous and they did indeed kicketh ass… [SCENE FOUR] (Beautiful fairy Farrah is dancing and singing in the woods) ORCUS: Aw. TILLY: You can’t quit! ORCUS: Watchoo talkin bout I can’t quit? You know how annoying it is to always get attacked by goddamn adventurers all day and night? So what would you like? Treasure? Jewels? Some cheez-whiz? It’s hella good. I sort of traded it in for this badass TV/VCR combo from the.) ORCUS: OW! FARRAH: Look. That girl is cray cray! CHUCK: BOSS FIGHT NUMBER ONE: FARRAH THE FAIRY VERSUS TEAM TILLIUS. Agnes. Fairies are happy. I’m one of the great guardians. What do you want to do? AGNES: What can I do? TILLY: Start playing this game correctly. what is that? CHUCK: BOSS FIGHT NUMBER TWO: AGNES VERSUS MILES THE GELATINOUS CUBE!!! AGNES: MILES? You made a jello-mold into my boyfriend Miles in this game? . to hell with this. TILLY: Holy magic! [SCENE FIVE] CHUCK: You continue to the Mountain of Steepness. and me and my wee butt is gonna kick the crap out of you guys! ORCUS: Yo. I call on… MAGIC MISSILE!!! (Tilly summons a magic spell) (Farrah explodes) AGNES: Holy crap. But you spy something ahead of you. No one said nice. and gelatinous. AGNES: Seriously. cube-shaped. Get ready to push daisies cause it’s throwdown time. what could she possibly do? (Farrah swings at Agnes and hits her. do I sound Canadian to you eh? Ain’t no one here gonna be nice all the damn time.FARRAH: Nice? Yo.) AGNES: Ow! TILLY: Your character is dying. It’s big. AGNES: Ew. nobody hits me. And what would be an adventure if you didn’t get to fight a(Dragon appears) AGNES: Dragon? CHUCK: FINAL FIGHT! AGNES VERSUS TIAMAT!!! (They fight. (laughs) Come on.) CHUCK: Congratulations Agnes. how ya doing? AGNES: You’re not actually Miles. baby. And I was just starting to like that guy. Too bad. and Agnes stabs the dragon! It collapses dead. (Miles hits her in the face) MILES: Don’t tell me who I am! AGNES: Actually. . (Agnes kills Miles) TILLY: Wow. Are you gonna kill it or not? (It transforms into Miles) MILES: Hey. Tillius the Paladin’s soul is free.TILLY: What? No. AGNES: He’s my boyfriend. right? TILLY: There’s something you should know about the Tiamat. [SCENE SIX] AGNES: So where’s this Tiamat? This is the Castle of Evil. TILLY: (clapping) Good job. TILLY: He’s a fart-knocker. I don’t care who you look like. you have finished the Quest. Agnes! This is a D&D adventure. Let’s go. AGNES: Tilly! Why’d you make my boyfriend Miles a flesh-eating jello-mold? TILLY: Maybe because he sucks. And maybe it might have a little to do with wish fulfillment. maybe a bit of my soul gets the chance to breathe for a moment again. I hope this adventure gave you a glimpse into the way I wanted you to see me: Strong… Powerful… And magical. But this story remains. AGNES: How come you had to make a game to tell me all of this? TILLY: You were busy. So did you have fun? AGNES: What? TILLY: That’s the point in all this. (Tilly begins to leave. It’s about adventures and saving the world and having magic. . TILLY: Good.AGNES: Is that why you always played this? TILLY: I played it because it’s awesome.) AGNES: Wait. Did you have fun? AGNES: Yeah. You’re leaving? TILLY: I have to. I love you my sister. And this story came from my soul so by breathing life into it.