Self-Discipline and Emotional Control Workbook

DISCIPLINE AND SELF- CONTROL HOW TO STAY CALM AND PRODUCTIVE UNDER PRESSURE TOM MILLER, Ph.D. PART ONE ©1994, 2006 Career Track Inc. All rights reserved. CareerTrack and CareerStore are registered trademarks of CareerTrack Inc. Registered U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and Canadian Trade-Marks Office. Except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review, no part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from CareerTrack. Welcomes You to the World of Audio Visual Training! Now you can learn at your own pace with hundreds of training programs from this world-famous seminar training company. CareerTrack is your one-stop resource for professional AV training resources. 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Visit our Web site for a complete listing of training programs including these best sellers: • How to Organize Your Life & Get Rid of Clutter • Dealing with Conflict & Confrontation • How to Supervise People • Evelyn Wood Reading Dynamics® • Assertive Communication Skills for Professionals • Self-Esteem & Peak Performance www. .com www.careertrack.com • 1-800-556-3009 Preface About this program Self-Discipline and Emotional Control was recorded live during a series of CareerTrack seminars. Every effort has been made to retain the spontaneous flavor of Dr. Tom Miller’s presentation. At times the unedited language is both colorful and earthy. About the workbook Because of the visual and interactive nature of Tom’s presentation, we felt the development of a new workbook was an essential element of the total program. As part of this concept, new explanatory pages have been added and parts of the original workbook, as used in the live seminar, have been expanded. Since the workbook is used quite extensively in the seminar, this presented a problem with the numbering sequence. We have addressed this by using a numbering and lettering system that we hope you will find easy to follow. Any page that is part of the original workbook is either a number or a combination of a number and letter (11, 11A). Any lettered page (A, B, C) is an addition to the original seminar workbook and contains necessary and illustrative information. As Tom says ... “It’s all there in the workbook,” so please, don’t skip any pages. www. .com A And that is what Self-Discipline and Emotional Control is all about. Without that ability. any other self-improvement program.Program Overview Why is this program so important? Learning to change your behavior. The two most important variables in behavior change 1. You will not change your behavior patterns unless you know how. Program objective There is only one objective of this program: • Dramatic performance improvement The Tom before the storm. is one of the most important skills that you can develop. seminar. Forcing yourself to behave differently from how you feel • Putting aside the discomfort 2. B Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . this is the formal name of the system contained in this program. Albert Ellis. Generating the power and intensity within yourself to: • Turn your intentions into reality • Make the changes you want in your life Rational-emotive behavior therapy: Developed by Dr. audiotape. videotape or book will be essentially useless. permanently. com C . Two myths of normal behavior 1. www. 2. you will know. Who causes you to feel the way you feel? You do! No one has the power to determine your emotional and behavioral reactions but you. Behavioral response That’s not a hard question. If others won’t change. whatever they may be. . you can transfer them or transfer yourself. You do! Less than 1 percent of 1 percent of all the people in the world understand this essential point. It is an option to have others change. Feeling 4. that events. now and for all time. What you will know at the end of the program that you did not know before After this program. Event 2.How It Begins There are four parts to any experience 1. do not cause the reactions you experience. Meaning/interpretation 3. desired learning that the horse takes over (eats the thought) from the rider and generates a new. except when you are learning a new skill.Program Keys Premises • Anything that can be learned can be unlearned. Two keys to dramatically improving your performance Getting reasonably upset instead of overly upset will give you: 1. • The way you behave is directly influenced by how you feel. Don’t worry. • It is only through conscious repetition of new. Control The importance of repetition to learning • Your horse does almost everything . • The way you feel and behave is never caused by the way others treat you or the events that happen to you. • Your rider handles learning. automatic response (both feeling and behavior).. controlled and maintained by the interpretations made in your mind. D Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . Choice 2.. • The way you feel is always and only created. You’ll catch on. not-conscious information and actions.com E . The Rider 2. The Horse www. and controls your feelings. Horse The lymbic system of the brain. .How It Begins Program concepts 1. Stores and uses learned. Rider The neo-cortex of the brain. The conscious center that hears what you are thinking and can intellectually control your behavior — which is just the first step in the change process. ” • The thought processes of your horse never improve. • You can have opposing thoughts in your horse and rider (conscious and unconscious) at the exact same time. • You will always get the emotional reactions that are logical for the way your horse is talking. • The way your horse talks to you determines how you “feel. Sometimes it’s personal. it codes it as wrong. – The example of driving in England Sometimes it means bent. • The goal of your horse is to remain unchanged until you die.Your Horse Important facts to know about your horse • Whenever your horse runs into something new. • Power is the only thing that your horse understands.” • Your horse knows all the right phrases to “drop your pants. F Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . • Horses almost always win. you had better keep in mind your objectives: Time Tone Face • Get rid of unwanted behavior.com G . • Pass the new interpretation from the rider to the horse so that the behavior and the emotions become automatic. www. you will finally know how to break your horse. • By the time you finish this program. . • Install desired behavior.Your Horse Behavior change In learning how to get your rider to control your horse and eventually get the horse to “eat” the new learning. in the case of Tom. it’s fun.Your Horse Program note: Don’t say up! During the course of this program you will hear this over and over. H Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . no doubt. by attempting to substitute the gesture pictured above for the word “up” in any sentence in which it would normally be. Essentially. Besides. you can understand how hard it is for your rider to overcome your horse’s habits. “What the heck is this all about?” So. here it is. and then noting how difficult that substitution is. be asking yourself. no matter how often this new behavior is reinforced and. how loud that reinforcement is. And you will. I Can’t Stand It-itis 4. and somebody around here needs to be condemned and damned as rotten and worthless — let’s see. . www. it’s awful that it did. Awfulizing 3. is it me.How It Begins The four irrational thinking styles 1.com 1 . Condemning and Damning Reasonably upset The sentence that drops my pants That event (whatever it was) shouldn’t have happened. Demandingness 2. is it you or is it the way the world works? Overly upset We have to suffer the results of the lies our horses tell us. I can’t stand it. Here are two fundamental assumptions: 1. 8. 7. 6. 11. They cannot go over 100 percent. Worst possible * The only restriction is that those bad events cannot happen physically to your body.Awfulizing Program assumptions In order to understand this system. 2 Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . 4 5. 3. it is essential to realize that what is said is exactly what is meant. 2. 100 percent = All 2. Negative = Bad The logical deduction: Bad (negative) things that can happen to me range from .001 degrees of badness up to the maximum 100 percent. Worst ever 13. 9. Frequent 12. 10. A list of bad things that have happened or could have happened to me* l. because you won’t be over. “How bad is it?” If you have a sensible scale to measure how bad things are. “Boy.com 3 .Awfulizing Transforming awfulizing: the Johnny Carson Scale As a reasonable person. then you can decide that some event (“A”) is approximately a certain percentage bad.” The audience responded. . it will automatically give you a response that’s logical for the percentage. ask yourself. “What in the world does Johnny Carson have to do with this scale business?” During the monologue. you may be asking yourself. “How hot was it?” When something negative happens to you. Then. After you train your horse to use the scale. it was hot in California today. THE BODY SCALE 100%– 95 – 90 – 85 – 80 – 75 – 70 – 65 – 60 – 55 – 50 – 45 – 40 – 35 – 30 – 25 – 20 – 15 – 10 – 5 – 1 – 0 – worst 4 limbs cut off 3 limbs cut off 2 limbs cut off dominant arm cut off non-dominant arm cut off 1 hand cut off 1 foot cut off 3 fingers cut off 3 toes cut off 4 broken limbs 3 broken limbs 2 broken limbs dominant arm broken non-dominant arm broken badly sprained ankle laceration (4 stitches) cut bruise small bump www. your behavior will be reasonable for the situation.or underreacting. Johnny would invariably bring the audience in on a joke by saying something such as. sign and date the following I fully realize and accept the fact that I’m living proof that I’ve stood everything that’s ever happened to me. haven’t ever and won’t ever RUN THE UNIVERSE. and it’s about ____ percent bad.I Can’t Stand It-itis Please read. Signature ( / / ) Date Demandingness A key point Every time you get yourself overly upset. That event (whatever it was) should have happened. I’m going to be able to stand and handle everything that’s going to happen to me except the one thing that’s going to kill me. Please read. do fully realize and admit that I do not. you are DEMANDING something. 4 Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . Signature ( / / ) Date The sentence that keeps my (pants)_______up. remember and sign the following: I. being of sound mind and body. and I can stand a ____. www. on the other hand.Demandingness The bi-level split Demandingness is the inaccurate use of the six partners: • Should • Got to • Have to • Need to • Ought • Must This is not a tough question! Nondemandingness. Things should have happened because they have happened. . is composed of some selection of: • Wishing • Wanting • Preferring • It would be better ifs • Practicalities • Sensibilities • Ethics • Morals • Values • Etiquette • Probably • Expect • Desiring Demanding words and phrases are only used to describe reality.com 4A . Notes 4B Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . DISCIPLINE AND SELF- CONTROL HOW TO STAY CALM AND PRODUCTIVE UNDER PRESSURE PART TWO . clean and thrifty.Self-Esteem Self-esteem A system that attempts to measure your value as a person or your self-worth. The two parts of the room represent the two parts of the self-esteem system. or how much you think these other people care about you. The clothesline To examine the system of self-esteem. or how well you cook eggs. The two components of self-esteem 1.” This is called “the doing side of the room.. • Behaviors are more specific. 2.” • Traits are things such as brave.. it looks and works like one of those old-fashioned clotheslines with pulleys on each end. imagine there is a room. What you think other people think about you . such as how fast you run the hundred. What you think of the behaviors or traits you “do. “the people side of the room” “the doing side of the room” 5 Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . divided in half by a fat cable. . Each small wire represents • A person you know (A-E) • A behavior/trait you do (1-5) E D C B A 1 2 3 4 5 www.com 6 .Self-Esteem The wires In this room. adding additional areas of division. there are also many thinner wires running from side to side. . Between the two walls are the range from zero to 100. 100.Self-Esteem The kegs In your room of self-esteem. the wires and the kegs as an organized system. The rating system In order to use the room. This allows the keg to slide along the wire. assign the left wall of the room to zero on the scale and the right wall. 0 25 50 75 100 E D C B A 1 2 3 4 5 0 25 50 75 100 7 Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . each wire has a miniature beer keg on it. and has a hole drilled through the middle . The keg looks like this from the side and this from the front. . 0 25 50 75 100 E D C B A 1 2 3 4 5 0 25 50 75 100 www. Pick five people you know and write their names by the letters.Self-Esteem Action step 1. Pick five of your behavior traits and write them by the numbers.com 8 . 2. or 100? Starting with the “people” side of the room. “On the average. Keep repeating this process for the remainder of your “people” wires and draw in the appropriate keg positions.Self-Esteem Where do the kegs go? The next essential step in examining the process of self-esteem is to figure out where the kegs are placed on the scale — closer to zero. take Wire A and ask yourself. how much do I think this person cares about me?” If the answer is “a lot” put the Person A keg somewhere in the 90s. 0 25 50 75 100 E D C B A 1 2 3 4 5 0 25 50 75 100 9 Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . in this case.Self-Esteem How the kegs work Assume that Person A gets very upset at you* and says “Get out of my life — I never want to see you again!” A normal reaction would be for Person A’s keg (how much you think Person A cares about you) to go down. Since the keg started at 95 on the scale. Your room would now appear like this: 0 25 50 75 100 E D C B A 1 2 3 4 5 0 25 50 75 100 * Who really gets the other person upset? Right — he or she does. 50 points. www. after the drop it would settle at 45.com 9A . . 0 25 50 75 100 A 0 25 50 75 100 The only variable? You have changed one variable in the intricate and interdependent system of self-esteem. uncontrollable variable changed (how you think someone else cares about you). + D. = T.T.V. your self-esteem has fallen to the same level of the barrel of Person A. And yet. You completely forget about anyone or anything else! 10 Self-Discipline and Emotional Control .Self-Esteem The equation T. because that one. Person A’s keg does not stop at 45. and now you understand why. . Dichotomous thinking This is thinking in all-or-nothing terms. then in the example. www. there is nothing in between and no shades of gray. If you think this way. With so much pressure and emphasis on what happens there.com 11 . 0 25 50 75 100 A 0 25 50 75 100 The “T” stands for trouble.Patterns of Thinking Tunnel vision Seeing only that which is directly in front of our noses. You may have been wondering what the “T” stood for in the equation at the top of Page 10. all black or all white. This is a literal translation of “putting yourself down”! This is what you get when you allow yourself to be drawn in by tunnel vision and dichotomous thinking. Things are either very good or very bad. And your self-esteem goes right along with it. In dichotomous thinking.” Tunnel vision is caused by your horse putting the blinders on. it is easy for your nose to get “bent. it keeps right on going all the way down to zero. 11A Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . and extremely negative. the purpose of the horse is to interpret what things mean. Remember. emotions in you with a simple flick of the hoof: • Hurt • Inadequate • Depressed • Anxious • Guilty The male equivalent The male horse has the unique ability to take all of the negative emotions listed above and instantaneously translate them into one powerful.Emotions Emotions Your horse has the ability to bring out these powerful. but still negative emotion: anger. “Did any of the other 19 kegs move?” Remember. literal.” ask. ask: • Is this person on my Top 20 VIP list? – If the answer is “No” . – If the answer is “Yes. precise and accurate.com 12 . don’t trust your feelings. Be hard-nosed. 0 25 50 75 100 T S R Q P O N M L K J I H G F E D C B A 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 0 25 50 75 100 www.. .. Whenever anyone gets upset with one of your dotted kegs.My Top 40 Sheet The specific instance keg Around each of your kegs is a dotted keg that responds to a specific instance of behavior. Notes 12A Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . DISCIPLINE AND SELF- CONTROL HOW TO STAY CALM AND PRODUCTIVE UNDER PRESSURE PART THREE . Self-Acceptance The assumption of self-esteem • It is possible to measure. • In order to do that. – On average. most people are aware of 40 percent of their total experiences. rate or evaluate a person and assign a value level to that individual. The true question Knowing what you know. and what is required that you know. is it really possible to rate your “self” on an arbitrary scale? Obviously. – A person averages one billion experiences in any 20-year period. the answer is no! 12A Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . encountered by any person during his or her lifetime. you had better know the following: – Present behavior – Past behavior – Conscious motivation – Unconscious motivation – Consequences to others – Consequences to you – Really know how much other people care/think about you. The definition of self • The sum total of all the experiences. and with a great deal of motivation. – Out of that 40 percent. the average person can actually recall only 1 percent. both internal and external. . consequences and.” To be “are not” is to be dead. conscious and unconscious behaviors. most unknowable of all. Somehow. or I am a worthless piece of “stuff.com 12B . in which case the rest of this program will be of very little interest to you. motivations. how others really think or care about you. And because you can only really know a small fraction of your experiences. you began with the assumption that it was possible to measure “self. Since you probably thought in a dichotomous fashion. as a person. you added these two things together and came up with an “educated guess” as to how worthwhile you were.” You used approximations to determine how much you thought others cared/thought about you and how well you behaved.Program Notes on Self-Acceptance What you can be The three questions of “self” that can be addressed are: • Aliveness • Existence • Beingness You either “are.” www. you came to one of two conclusions: Either I am worthwhile.” or you “are not. A concept that works You are far and away too complex to even begin to think about trying to “know” the “all” of you. then you had better accept that you. cannot ever be rated! The two-room model In the system of self-esteem that you explored. This is called the upstairs room. There is a physical separation. The two-room model now looks something like this: Upstairs room Your “self” The plexiglass floor Downstairs room Your “self” is now sealed in the upstairs room.Program Notes on Self-Acceptance Homework: a room with a view Take the room that you’ve constructed for your attempted measurement of your self-esteem and construct another room on top of it. Your “self” cannot be affected by what happens in the room below. This impermeable layer allows you to look back and forth between the two rooms. How well you do on your behavior/trait wires 12C Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . but it does not allow any movement from one room to the other. How much you think other people think/care about you 2. The floor is built out of six inches of crystal clear plexiglass. There is no longer any dependent relationship between: 1. the belief is that you must (need to) get lots of love. www. acceptance and approval and that you must (need to) behave very competently. Stop the lies. Need (must): something without which you will die. The key The key to understanding and embracing this is simply knowing the difference between a want and a need.com 12D . It is only possible to be! You want to give and get lots of love. approval and acceptance.Self-Acceptance The self-esteem belief In self-esteem. You want to behave very competently. If these needs are not met. Want: everything else Your horse thinks everything that you want is really a need and will tell you that. . worthless or anywhere in between. you are a worthless piece of stuff. The self-acceptance belief It is not possible to be worthwhile. how you are doing and how you are getting along and relating with the significant people in your life.Survival 2. the closer you will get to your five major goals in life: 1. The fun in life is the challenge in achieving small.Increasing your pleasure and decreasing your pain 3. You had better still care.Having various degrees of intimacy or closeness with some of those others 5. as best you can. something that all of us want to do. A reasonable goal in life is to try to get as many of your kegs as close to 100 as you can. Why? The higher the kegs go.Having some personally meaningful involvement in your vocational or avocational activities 12E Self-Discipline and Emotional Control .Living socially with others 4. This will guide you as you try to improve. Observe and evaluate. continual steps of improvement.Program Notes on Self-Acceptance Putting it all together Does this mean I don’t care about what goes on in the downstairs room? No. • Your horse interprets the event and tells you how to feel. As Tom has shown. the way the female feels is determined by what she thinks the male’s motivation is. How can any one event cause two radically different emotional and behavioral reaction patterns? • It can’t. .Homework The ABCs In Albert Ellis’s construct. • He could be feeling guilty over something he has done. any event can be broken down into: A = activating event B= beliefs C = consequences Cl = feelings C2 = reaction In the story about the flowers. www. • He could be trying to get lucky.com 13 . the male’s motivation can be one of several things: • He could be expressing his affection. It has no previous learning in front of it. different. 14 Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . • You cannot get to Z without going through X and Y. At this point in time. XYZ is the process of changing an existing habit into a new. desired habit. you are an expert at causing yourself to overreact because you have been doing it for years. you are interested in those beliefs that cause you to overreact emotionally or behave in ways you wish you didn’t. Specifically. This means you have to fight and win the war with your horse. You are at point X on the learning/relearning curve. The curve begins at W and ends at X.The Yellow Brick Road Learning and relearning The essence of self-discipline and emotional control is learning how to relearn. learning curve W relearning curve Y X Z • The broken line is the learning curve. This is where and when your horse will automatically give you the new responses that your rider has been relearning. • Point Z is the goal. • The dotted lines (X to Y to Z) are the relearning curves. Point X means that you are an expert at a particular action or behavior — in your horse. Get some new lines 5.The Yellow Brick Road A play example To change your response to a specific situation. .com 14A . A = (whatever the situation) B= Cl = the feeling you don’t like C2 = the behavior you don’t like Determining the lines in your screenplay is the same as figuring out what “B” is. Your horse is unable to tell the difference. Determine what lines don’t make sense 3. Understand why the new lines are much more sensible Play #l A = the situation B = sense + non-sense Cl = emotions you don’t like C2 = behaviors you don’t like Play #2 Da = the same situation Db = sense + sense El = more desirable emotions E2 = more desirable behaviors www. you can put the events into a screenplay format and then begin the rewrite. Understand why these lines don’t make sense 4. You had better 1. You will see that some of the lines (thoughts) make sense and some of the lines make non-sense. Determine what the lines are 2. Writing the old sense and the new sense into Play #2 6. At this stage of your practice. Practice and understanding of the ABCs in this program is very important. going from X to Y and gaining the knowledge. Then. Intellectually believing the new sense is much more sensible than the non-sense you started with 7. Identifying the sense and the non-sense in Play #1 3.The Yellow Brick Road The first half Take the sense in Play #1 and bring it over to Play #2. 15 Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . Understanding why the non-sense is non-sense 4. you are entrenched at Point X. Understanding why the new sense makes sense 5. You are an expert at Play #1. Going from X to Y involves: 1. On the relearning curve. Remember. just intellectually believe. The first task is to get both plays written out on paper. it is only important that your rider believes that what is said about and in Play #2 makes excellent theoretical and practical sense. Deciding what emotional responses the new combination of thinking would cause and writing them in El 8. With this new combination of sense + sense. Figuring out the ABC (Play #1) 2. a different emotional response will emerge for Play #2. Now comes the second half. Deciding and writing out what you would like your new behavior to be if your emotions were those written in El This is the first half of the change process. change the non-sense in Play #1 into sense. and also put that into Play #2. See yourself do E2 (your new.The Yellow Brick Road The second half The essential element for winning the second half is practice: • 30 seconds a day – In the chair – Under the covers • Practice for 30 days 1. Think Db (the new way you’re going to think) E. desired behavior) 5. 10 percent Clint 3. Biased instant replay • Immediately do Step #4 (imagery practice/rehearsal) 6. Start “Spock” training • 90 percent Spock. Picture Spock and Clint D. Flash symbolic/funny image to flip your horse C. . www.com 16 . Design a symbolic/funny image to flip your horse • Horses are not very powerful when they’re on their backs 2. Feel yourself feel El (your new desired emotion) F. Real-life practice! Don’t wait to feel comfortable. Memorize Play #2 (your horse has already memorized Play #1) 4. Imagery practice/rehearsal A. Picture Da (the event you want to change your reaction to) B. Fake it ‘til you make it. Through practice you will reach Point Z on the relearning curve and your horse/rider picture will look like the figure below. You have changed your horse so that it is now working for you. 17 Self-Discipline and Emotional Control . You’ve fought the war and won. you’ll produce the reaction you desire in faster time. The major point is that you have to do it — it won’t do it for you. W Y X Z (you made it) This is how it happens. the anxiety your horse automatically pumps out gets less and less. As you continue with this practice. The end of the learning curve: the Yellow Brick Road. eventually bringing your horse under control and having your horse “eat” the new behavior. You now automatically get the new. desired emotion. You’re at the end of the second half.The Yellow Brick Road Getting to Z With each real-life practice.