TNEEL-NETheoretical Perspectives Learning Activities Compiled by Jinny Tesiik, M.A., Bereavement Counselor. Used with permission Activity 2: The Creative Expressions and Descriptions of Grief and Loss Directions: The sayings are separated with dashed lines. To prepare for the in-class activity, print the pages and cut on the dashed lines to separate each saying. Page 1 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory.fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D.J. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives just as part of her is in her daily work..fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL. Grief is the emptiness that comes when you eat alone after eating with another for years. “A Grief Observed” “Grief and pain are the price we humans have to pay for the love and total commitment we have for another person. Saying 2: Larry Anderson. Lewis. Grief is a whole cluster of adjustments. she knows that part of her is in the cemetery. the more we are hurt when we lose the object of our love. for the event she is sure will come. The more we love. In more personal terms. Grief is the angry reaction of a man so filled with shocked uncertainty and confusion that he strikes out at the nearest person. Grief is the intense emotion that floods life when a person’s inner security system is shattered by an acute loss. knifelike terror and sadness that comes a hundred times a day. would we have it any other way?” Page 2 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory. Seattle P. But when doctors speak of grief they are focusing on the raw feelings that are at the center of a whole process that engages the person in adjusting to changed circumstances. Columnist “There is a terrible craving. They are speaking of the deep fears of the mourner.I. Grief is the deep sympathy one person has for another when he wants to do all he can to help resolve a tragic experience.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D. Grief is the desperate longing for another whose loss you cannot learn to endure. Grief is the little old lady who goes to the funeral of a stranger and does some unfinished business of her own feelings by crying her eyes out there.J. Insatiable. But this is deeper. Grief is teaching yourself how to go to bed without saying good night to the one who has died. grief is a young widow who must find a way to bring up her three children. of his prospects of loneliness. when you start to speak to someone who is no longer there. and of the obstacles he must face as he finds a new way of living. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives . Grief is the silent.S. more pervasive. Grief is always more than sorrow. Bereavement is the event in personal history that triggers the emotion of grief Mourning is the process by which the powerful emotion is slowly and painfully brought under control. Jackson “You and Your Grief” GRIEF is. Grief is a mother walking daily to a nearby cemetery to stand quietly alone for a few moments before she goes on about the tasks of the day. It’s like that that feeling of being hungry for something but not knowing what it is. Grief is the helpless wishing that things were different when you know they are not and never will be again. it’s a craving for Margaret” Saying 3: C. alone.. and for which she has so little help in preparing herself. more elusive.TNEEL-NE Saying 1: Edgar N. But if we are honest with ourselves. usually associated with the death of someone important in his/her life. she is weeping for herself. never ending. apprehensions that strike life in its forward progress and make it difficult to reorganize and redirect the energies of life. But I think I know what it is. J. and I will be grateful to the hurt For it bears witness to The depth of our meanings. to come to terms with what was and more on. Saying 5: William A Miller “When Going to Pieces Holds You Together” “Grief is an integral part of the process and experience of life.” Saying 6: Nina Petrulius .grief counselor “The grief process is a rite of passage. loss and grief are virtually an every-day occurrence for most of us.” Saying 7: Stephen Levine “Who Dies” “We are all in grief. I will hurt. It is a time to bid farewell to the past and open oneself to the coming future.TNEEL-NE Saying 4: Author unknown The agony is so great And yet I will stand it. All have experienced loss. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives . there is a place within of disappointment and loss because we live in a world where everything changes. No human being exists who is immune to loss and the resultant dynamics of grief. As a matter of fact.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D.fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL.” Page 3 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory. Even if your loved ones are still alive. It helps us to let go of what is no longer with us. And for that I will be eternally grateful. I will not Want to diminish that precious love By one fraction of an ounce. Had I not loved so very much I would not hurt so much. But goodness knows. to a lesser or greater degree. doubt. “People of the Lie” “It is often the most spiritually healthy and advanced among us who are called on to suffer in ways more agonizing than anything experienced by the more ordinary… Conversely. it is the unwillingness to suffer emotional pain that lies at the very root of emotional illness. That on your lonely path You may not walk alone. Saying 9: Scott Peck. I can but offer what my love does give: The strength of caring.fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL. This I do in quiet ways.” Saying 10: Washington Irving “There is a sacredness in tears.000 tongues. The warmth of one who seeks to understand The silent storm-swept barrenness of so great a loss. confusion. in fact. and despair may be infinitely more healthy than those who are generally certain. but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10. the secret Water. They are not the mark of weakness. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief.TNEEL-NE Saying 8: David Whyte. and self-satisfied.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives .J. The denial of suffering is. of deep contrition and of unspeakable love. Those who fully experience depression. Page 4 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory.” Saying 11: Howard Thurman “Meditations of the Heart” I share with you the agony of your grief. I know I cannot enter all you feel Nor bear with you the burden of your pain. complacent. cold and clear nor find in the darkness glimmering the small round coins thrown by those who wished for something else. The anguish of your heart finds echo in my own. “The Well of Grief” THE WELL OF GRIEF Those who will not slip beneath the still surface on the well of grief turning downward through its black water to the place we cannot breathe Will never know the source from which we drink. a better definition of illness than its acceptance. Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one. Great waves of pain wash over me. but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach. “On Living Your Life” “When someone dies whom I love. if you need to cry. But I want you to know I’m here if you want to talk.S.fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL. There is something new to be chronicled every day. It comes from frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. After a while the sharpest anguish softens. Grief is like a long valley. feeling after feeling. I care. If I could tell you “there’s a reason for this”.J. I would. I would.” Page 5 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory. but for a minute. all the good memories begin to flow back and fill my life. I keep on swallowing. am I going up or down? How often--will it be for always? How often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say. I don’t try to shut it off. Not every bend does. or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But a spiral. and I go on with my life. “I never realize my loss till this moment?” “No one told me that grief felt so like fear. Am I going in circles.” “Sorrow turns out to be not a state but a process. doing more good in the world because the loved one is now a part of me. Lewis “I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that your life has been interrupted this way. Thought after thought. When it subsides. If I could. Through this process of mourning. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn’t a circular trench. I am not afraid. I allow my grief all the room it needs. a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. never trying to deny the terrible hole left in my universe by my loss.” Saying 13: Renee 'Duvall “If I could bear the burden of your sorrow. take away your pain and make it mine.” Saying 14: Grief Observed by C. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives .TNEEL-NE Saying 12: Eda LeShan. if you can find comfort in sharing silence with me. how sorry I am that I can’t shelter you from this. action after action. and finally I find I’m a better person. I would.” “What we would all like is the happy past restored. the waves of pain occur less frequently. the same restlessness. you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago. the yawning. She is proud only because she recognizes the value of her lessons. It is even more painful to be around those who idealize her. and catch up on her reading. He loved the ocean. One day Grief heard another woman cry out.TNEEL-NE Saying 15: Anne Morrow Lindbergh. She screamed and howled. With her white skin and dark hair she even looks like winter. She ate with all her fingers. make thick soups. and must perpetually be building themselves new forms. Page 6 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory. She wandered from place to place with no sense of where she was or how she came there. She likes the icy days in February when she can stay home from school. She came to our town and started to do her real work. Certain people adore her and talk about her as if knowing her gives them a special status.fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL. She spoke with her. The daughters live inland now in the distant foothills. “Gift from the Sea” “One learns to accept the fact that no permanent return is possible to an old form of relationship. Grief was surprised. She was a potter. Ruth Gendler. Even though Suffering is considered a formidable instructor. She stamped her feet and smashed her pots and bowls. Saying 17: J. and the oldest son left the family as soon as he could get away. she is actually quite compassionate. In the morning Grief was washed clean of her tears. All living relationships are in process of change. He was barely walking when he learned to swim and not much older when he started to sail. that there is no holding of a relationship to a single form. She had never met anyone else who had suffered as she had. they wept and wept and wept and wept. It was the young boy with the golden curls and the laughing eyes who gave her great joy. She listened to her story. Other people despise her. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives . more deeply still. One day about two years ago the sailors brought his boat home empty.” Saying 16: Ruth Bender “Book of Qualities” GRIEF Before she came to this town Grief was a woman named Eliea.J. of expansion. She feels lonely around students who dislike her.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D. and it grew wild and matted. Together the women mourned their children. She tore at her hair. She has a slender face and dramatic cheekbones. Never have I heard such sounds of weeping as when Grief found out her son had drowned. “The Book of Qualities” SUFFERING Suffering teaches philosophy on a part-time basis. Suffering’s reputation troubles her. and she glazed her big-bellied pots with earth colors until they shone like dull bronze. This is not tragedy but part of the ever-recurrent miracle of life and growth. She had four children. When they see her across the aisle at the supermarket they look the other way. and I share your tears.” Saying 21: Anonymous It was only a kindly word And a word that was lightly spoken Yet not in vain. for it stilled the pain Of a heart that was nearly broken. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives .J. worked with. it goes through stages and leaves a scar. But for now.TNEEL-NE Saying 18: Chinese Proverb “You can’t prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head. The life of a soul on earth lasts beyond his departure.. that voice speaking to you. Grief is the deepest wound you have ever had. Saying 22: Anonymous “In your heart.” Saying 20: Doug Manning in “Don’t Take My Grief Away” “A cut finger is numb before it bleeds. He/She lives on in your life and in the lives of all others who know him/her.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D. Like the cut finger. It’s all right to cry. talking to you in the familiar things he/she touched. it’s all right to hurt and I hurt with you. you probably realize that in time the sadness you are feeling will fade. that spirit looking out of other eyes. loved as familiar friends. But know that someday life will be better and it will be easier to smile. but you can prevent them from building a nest in your hair.” Anonymous Page 7 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory. You will always feel that life touching yours.” Saying 19: Angelo Patri “In one sense there is no death. it bleeds before it hurts.fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL. So allow yourself to feel what comes naturally. it hurts until it begins to heal. it forms a scab and then a scar where the wound once was. In reality we never lose the people we love. They become immortal through us. What you do with it is entirely a matter of choice. They continue to live in our hearts and minds. how will people ever understand what it was like to be mortal?” Saying 26: Christopher Lucas. There are no rules or laws that require you to mourn forever.fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL. Because of them. “Bus 9 to Paradise” “It was difficult to part with such a positive force in my life.” Page 8 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory.” Saying 25: Ashleigh Brilliant “When death is eventually abolished. the dead person without continuing to grieve. You have before you the rest of your life. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives .” Saying 28: Harriet Sarnoff Schiff “Understand and accept that for you there is still a future . No one will ever replace them and in spite of the pain we are richer for all the years invested in them. But nothing is forever. How important a role the sense of loss plays in your life is another matter. They participate in our every act. You have loved someone and that loved one is gone. “The Silent Grief’ “Loss is difficult.TNEEL-NE Saying 23: Anonymous “There is only one thing worse than speaking ill of the dead .and that is not speaking of the dead at all. we have so much more to bring to our present relationships and all those to come.one that can be as bright and good as you choose to make it. People are irreplaceable.” Saying 27: Leo Buscallia. idea. and decision. nor can you expect it to.” Saying 24: Joshua Loth Liebman “The function of friends is to be the sounding board for grief.J.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D. That loss will not go away. You can remember and have positive feelings for. Beautiful people do not just happen. known suffering.looking composed and unruffled. is always present.. Below the surface. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives . and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion. “Macbeth” “Give Sorrow words. the grief that does not speak knits up the o’re wrought heart and bids it break.fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL. Such grief. and a deep loving concern. These people have an appreciation. known loss. known struggle.” Saying 30: Anonymous “Bereaved persons are like ducks: above the surface.Paddling like crazy!” Saying 31: Shakespeare... It is never too late to talk about it..” Page 9 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory.” Saying 32: Marcel Proust “There is no more ridiculous custom than the one that makes you express sympathy once and for all on a given day to a person whose sorrow will endure as long as life.TNEEL-NE Saying 29: Historian Roy Nichols “The most beautiful people I have known are those who have known defeat. gentleness. a sensitivity.J. never repetitious to mention it again.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D. and have found their way out of the depths. felt in such a way. When you are sorrowful look again to your heart. and when one sits alone with you at your board. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives . “Nay. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit. And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. they are inseparable. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being.” Saying 34: C.TNEEL-NE Saying 33: Kahlil Gibran “The Prophet” “Then a woman said. and you shall see that. Only when you are empty are you at stand still and balanced. you are weeping for that which has been your delight. “Joy is greater that sorrow. look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.” Page 10 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weight his gold and his silver.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D. the more joy you can contain.J. needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL.S.” Saying 35: George F. in truth. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Together they come.” and others say.” But I say unto you. remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. Some of you say. sorrow is the greater. the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous. Lewis “Bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love. Simons “The memory of past dark days is testament to the individual’s capacity to weather storms. Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow. it is then that the terrible after-effects have to be encountered at their worst.J. Slowly.H. the soul seems to recover as the body recovers.” Page 11 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory. But this is only appearance. which does not kill the body. like a bruise. I had to decide. Lawrence “And dimly she realized one of the great laws of the human soul: that when the emotional soul receives a wounding shock. But then I realized I had a choice how to live the AFTER. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives . “There’s Always Hope” Now whenever i see dark clouds gathering on far horizons i’m not frightenedi’ve weathered other storms their fury and power have slashed through my life i’ve weathered those i’ll weather others to come Saying 37: Brenda Neal “My life was suddenly divided into BEFORE and AFTER. till it fills all the psyche. slowly the wound to the soul begins to make itself felt. It is really only the mechanism of the reassumed habit.” Saying 38: Axl Rose from Rolling Stone “You have to re-experience it and mourn what happened to you and grieve for yourself and nurture yourself and put yourself all back together. and there was no going back to BEFORE. which only slowly deepens its terrible ache. And when we think we have recovered and forgotten.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D.fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL.” Saying 39: D.TNEEL-NE Saying 36: Brenda Neal. to live well is to grieve well”.J. Grief is the process that finishes things. To live well is to grieve well. You start with an end and wind and wind.” Saying 43: John Bradshaw “Losses are a necessary part of the human condition.” Saying 45: Unknown “Grief work is like winding a ball of string. but not all.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D. Everything you have ever done has ended. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives . You pick it up and start over again. beyond our grasp. The ball never completely unwinds.fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL.” Page 12 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory. The end of grief work is to be born again. some of your work is undone. The point is to learn from it and remain vulnerable to love. but never do you have to begin again at the end of the string. Saying 42: Stephen Levine “Grief is the rope burns left behind when what we have held to most dearly is pulled out of reach. Life is a prolonged farewell. you’ve made some progress.” Saying 41: R. Saying 44: Joshua Loth Liebman “The function of friends is to be the sounding board for grief. then the ball slips through your fingers and rolls across the floor. Coles “Sorrow may be fated. So. but to survive and grow is an achievement all it’s own”.TNEEL-NE Saying 40: John Brantner “Only people who avoid love can avoid grief. There are no rules or laws that require you to mourn forever. It will make me value every living minute. But when one also tries to bear the grief ahead. the river of time will wind past and we shall not have lived at all. It is not next year that life will be so flawless and if we keep trying to wait for next year’s happiness.one that can be as bright and good as you choose to make it. it can only be the ability to experience the moment.” Page 13 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory.” Saying 47: Unknown “Grief rewrites your address book. but that will not keep me from plunging into life again. one can endure the day. You have before you the rest of your life.” Saying 48: Unknown “In grief. As for happiness.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D.” Saying 49: Dr.J. “Widowed” “I will always have a pocket of sorrow in my heart. because I know how precious each one is.TNEEL-NE Saying 46: Harriet Sarnoff Schiff “Understand and accept that for you there is still a future .fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL. one cannot compass it. just the day. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives .” Saying 50: Old Chinese Proverb “We can’t prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over our heads but we can keep them from making nests in our hair. Joyce Brothers. What you do with it is entirely a matter of choice. and unwittingly better for the wear.” Saying 52: John Claypool “From our earliest days we are all persons of sorrow.TNEEL-NE Saying 51: Stephanie Ericsson. smashes down upon you with unimaginable force. “The Agony of Grief’ “What is there to grief? Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you. and more trusting in our adventure with God”. bruised. the experiences of grief can deepen and widen our ability to participate in life. We are all acquainted with grief But if we are willing. where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces. reshaped. only to be thrown out on an unknown beach.doc TNEEL-NE 2001 D.J. Wilkie & TNEEL Investigators Grief: Theoretical Perspectives . Page 14 C:\Documents and Settings\gregory. more sensitive to the whole mysterious process of life. more open-handed in our handling of the events of life.fiero\My Documents\UTA\N3325 Holistic Care of Older Adults\Resources\Grief Activity Sayings_TNEEL. We can become more grateful for the gifts we have been given. sweeps you up into darkness.