00:00:02 00:00:04 00:00:07 00:00:08 00:00:09 00:00:13[laughs] [crowd cheering] Thanks. I better not suck. New york city. This is great, man. This is--i love living here and doing shows here. AND, [bleep], THE CHARACTERS That we see in this city every single day. 00:00:17 I was in the subway the other day, and there were these homeless guys s inging a capella, HAPPY AS [bleep]. 00:00:23 They're homeless, singing a capella, shaking a cup. 00:00:25 I thought, "how did ese guys " you know? 00:00:30 It's hard enough to form a band when you have a house and a phone and a ll that kind of [bleep]. 00:00:34 How do you bump into other a capella enthusiasts when you're out there on the homeless trail? 00:00:41 You think you're just sitting around the shelter one day: " ♪♪ "me too" ♪♪ 00:00:45 ♪♪ "me three" ♪♪ 00:00:47 whoa. 00:00:49 [applause] People talk to each other in this city in a way that is just not normal. 00:00:59 I was stopped at a light the other day. 00:01:01 These two guys were unloading a truck. 00:01:02 One guy looks at the other guy. 00:01:03 He goes,"hakuna matata, MOTHER[bleep], FROM THEMOTHER[bleep]LION KING! 00:01:08 HAKUNA MATATA,MOTHER[bleep]!" What could have possibly preceded that pa rt of the conversation? 00:01:17 What kind of "what's your favorite disney cartoon song" debate ends up with"hakuna MATATA"AND "MOTHER[bleep]" In the same sentence? 00:01:26 That must have just built all day long, you know? 00:01:29 "No, that song sucks, man. 00:01:30 I like the other one: ♪♪ Under the sea ♪♪ 00:01:32 ♪♪ under the sea" ♪♪ 00:01:33 "nah, man. 00:01:34 Hakuna matata. 00:01:35 "DON'T BE A [bleep] PUSSY, All right? 00:01:36 It's "under the sea, " "HAKUNA MATATA,MOTHER[bleep]! 00:01:41 I was in the subway the other day. 00:01:43 This guy screams across the tracks, screams across the tracks. 00:01:45 He goes, "yo, monica! 00:01:48 Yo, monica! 00:01:48 Yo, you got aids, yo! 00:01:51 [laughter] And I thought, "wow, that's how " that michael moore is righ t. 00:02:01 WE HAVE THE WORST [bleep] Health care system. 00:02:04 Up in canada, they call you up probably, right? 00:02:06 Maybe an email or something? 00:02:07 They don't just hire a puerto rican kid to scream across the tracks. 00:02:10 What kind of-- WHAT KIND OF [bleep] WAY IS THAT To get health news? 00:02:14 "Yo, greg, your cholesterol's " "thank you, hector. 00:02:21 Thank you for taking time out from your busy schedule of barbecuing on the shoulder of the cross bronx expressway, bringing me up to speed " we have th e puerto rican day parade here in new york every summer. 00:02:38 That is a great parade, the puerto rican day parade. 00:02:40 But you never hear the good things. 00:02:41 All you hear is the negative things, but what about the positive, empow ering messages, particularly to women, that come from that parade? 00:02:51 Like, "you're never too fat " I think-- I think that's a message that h as to be heard, because, you know, you always hear that girls feel bad about the ir bodies 'cause they have to compare themselves to these anorexic actresses and I DON'T KNOW. 00:07:59 We need to cut our dependence on foreign oil. "MY [bleep] LOOKS GOOD. amazing city. 00:03:36 People just--people are so crazy and resilient. 00:06:13 1-800 Contacts? theycan't have my brand. MY [bleep] LOOKS GOOD. 00:05:02 WE ARE GOING INTO THE CITY. 00:06:17 Look! look with your special eyes! 00:06:19 My brand! 00:06:22 Quality contact lenses. 00:03:42 Plane crashes in the hudson. you know? 00:04:12 It was right after 9/11. like. "[bleep]. and even if they're 300 pounds. 00:06:08 Beer."[ Male Announcer ] How to speak australian. 00:03:33 Yeah.everything. like. 00:04:26 BUT I THOUGHT. 00:04:06 But we started doing shows in these clubs 'cause people seemed to want to come out. AUSTRALIAN FOR BEER. bachelorette parties. 00:08:03 How do you think we're gonna do that? 00:08:05 Drive small cars? . cut our dependence on for eign oil. three thongs all knotted together. 00:03:26 It's. 00:04:09 They seemed to want to laugh. but they couldn't stop this gaggle OF SQUAWKING [ bleep] FROM. 00:06:12 contactlenses arrived." You know. we did shows almost right away. and there were already people in the audiences . 00:06:06 Hybrid.. 00:03:45 In the rest of the country. 00:07:58 >> We're gonna hear a lot about energy policy. but there seem to be girls out there in that parade that don't--you know. "HOLY [bleep].couldn't he have crashed IN CONNEC TICUT OR SOME [bleep]? 00:03:56 He's got to"-. bachelorettes. 00:06:14 I have special eyes.even after 9/11. 00:04:03 In some parts of the city. 00:04:16 AND I THOUGHT. a heroic deed. 00:03:11 THEY'RE LIKE. there wasn't even electricity in some parts of the city yet. 00:04:00 We started doing shows really quickly in the clubs around the city. 00:03:18 They hop on the back their boyfriend's ninja motorcycle with their ass all hoisted up in the air. we're like. gina! 00:04:52 It's your day! 00:04:53 It's your special day! 00:04:55 We are going in the city! 00:04:57 We are going in the [bleep] CITY! 00:04:58 It's your special day! 00:05:00 I DON'T CARE WHAT THOSE [bleep] Mexicans did. they seem immune to that [bleep]. 00:03:41 A plane crashes here in the hudson river. 00:04:05 The subway didn't even go there. 00:03:25 It's not even one thong. click. 00:04:37 [laughter] From going on their penis-related paraphernalia shopping spr ee and buying their [bleep] STRAWS AND CONDOM HATS And their "a hard man is good to find" t-shirts and piling into that limo: "we're going. they don't have to rule out the denim micro min i skirt. it's an amazing. THEY Are never gonna change " they just knocke d down the world trade center.. "WHAT THE [bleep]? 00:03:50 Something--this traffic. you know? 00:03:49 Here in new york. 00:04:10 And I couldn't believe it. this is." You know. some dude-. I never thought that I would b e proud to see a pack of drunken jersey girls with condoms on their heads. 00:06:24 Call. 00:06:09 Foster's. 00:03:24 Thong is sticking out. and now at walmart. . you know. it's really a " you got a better chance of getting a crackhead to switch to eggnog at that point. they don't even walk. and we can roll them around from snack to snack. 00:08:20 Have you been to disney world in the last ten years and seen THESE BAGS OF [bleep] WHEEZING And waddling-. YOU [bleep] EIGHT -YEAR-OLD? 00:10:28 Grow up a little. they don't even have to sit up. 'cause we have . 00:09:21 Fat kids on wheels. can't you be a little more forward-thinking. you know. but these will keep you FROM GETTIN G POLYPS IN YOUR 60s In your rectum. 00:09:32 They can lay flat on their back. is that a mirage? 00:08:44 Is that a-.I really want cotton candy! 00:08:48 Is that a vendor of cotton candy? 00:08:52 A purveyor"-. you're gonna get him t o eat celery sticks after that? 00:10:11 Are you kidding? 00:10:12 They just watched a movie where this candy treat makes robots fly. THESE LITTLE FAT [bleep]. 00:09:55 And now I blame someone else. HOLY [bleep]. FAT [bleep] WADDLING Weebles.[cries hoarsely] ALL [bleep] RED-FACED And s weaty. OR WHATEVER THE [bleep] THEY Sell f or these kids. 00:09:46 I mean. these kids. 00:10:07 You think once a kid tastes one of these things. 00:10:29 Eat these carrots. 00:10:20 Yeah. 00:09:13 They don't even walk anymore. 00:10:31 It's good for your eyes. 00:08:37 " LIKE. 00:10:00 They have cartoons and movies AND ALL KINDS OF [bleep] That are sponsor ed by their double sugar-smacked crack pops. "oh. 00:09:16 They just come gliding by on those heely wheels. 00:09:38 ALL THEY DO IS [bleep] EAT And snack and fatten up by the second. I know those make people fly. 'cause you can't battle the american junk food industry. 00:10:33 Believe me. They act like they're working through the desert.[laughs] "And not a figment of my " th ese fat children. 00:09:26 Now we put wheels on them? 00:09:27 WHAT THE [bleep]? 00:09:28 Why don't we just bolt the wheels directly into their spines? 00:09:30 This way. 00:08:11 We can't do it. 00:08:34 I don't care how excited you are to get to the snow cone. eat the celery. 00:10:19 It's good.what kind of child says "vendor"? 00:08:55 "Is that a purveyor of fine sugary treats? 00:09:01 One hopes that that is a vend"-. it's got fiber in it. 00:09:48 People blame the parents. 00:09:48 You can't fight it. 00:08:09 We can't.. just.00:08:05 You think we're gonna drive small cars in america? 00:08:08 Of course not. 00:10:32 You don't want to get short-sighted later on. you can't fight it. 00:08:10 We'll never drive small cars. 00:09:14 You see these little fat kids in parks. we can't do it. 00:10:30 There beta-carotene. 00:08:29 You're not supposed to be winded when you're nine and you're on flat gr ound. is that a good idea. 00:10:15 You think you're gonna get them on the celery sticks? 00:10:17 "Come on. GOD BLESS THEM. do you think? 00:09:24 Kids don't burn any calories in the modern world. 00:10:25 Come on. right? 00:09:49 " I used to blame parents FOR THAT KIND OF [bleep] Until I became a par ent. 00:08:14 [laughter] BIG. they're all-. 00:12:02 This business kills you as you get older. and then this angry little bridge troll is lik e. 00:11:32 They look at you like you SLATHERED IT ON YOUR [bleep] And went skippin g across-. THEY'RE ALL ON PILLS. where-. "agh-ah! 00:12:39 Ah! 00:12:40 " HE'S DRAGGING HIS [bleep] Club foot around. 00:10:45 Every one of them's got breathing disorders and allergies to everything and. the maverick. 00:13:04 He came this close to going.that's. 00:12:03 You don't see a lot of old people on television. unless they're in some bladder-control comm ercials. lord. check out the " why don't you walk up some STAIRS. 00:10:54 [laughter] Because it was unusual. 00:12:21 WHAT A [bleep] MISERABLE FUTURE. but we're just not used to seeing people like that o n television. 00:10:44 I don't know what we've done to them. maybe.[screaming] "Which one of you hot little MOTHER[bleep] WANTS SOME PEA NUT Butter? 00:11:44 I got jelly. PEOPLE BEAT THE [bleep] . 00:12:10 You know. like. you know? 00:12:54 A quick episode ofmurder she wrote. you know. if you had ASTHMA. where you g oing? 00:11:49 " oh. 00:12:26 That's one of the reasons I think john mccain looked so creepy during t he campaign. I guess. our vision of the future. 00:12:46 I'm a maverick. 00:12:35 You had cool. 00:11:02 Now every kid's got some sort of apparatus and.00:10:42 This whole generation OF KIDS IS [bleep] UP. shuffling off som ewhere. come on.hey. you know. helmets and p ills and all kinds OF [bleep]. 00:12:17 "If I could only stop pissing " they're always. [bleep]. 00:10:50 When I was a kid. 00:11:08 They pick on the kid that doesn't. 00:11:45 I got jelly. 00:12:34 It looked weird. 00:11:10 "Hey. 00:11:57 Getting old. john? 00:12:49 You're 105 years old. 00:12:06 You don't see them anymore. hip obama. "he's black! 00:13:10 WHAT THE [bleep]? . 00:12:12 You're either dying in some life-alert thing or just worried about your bladder. 00:13:00 He couldn't believe it. 00:12:47 " what are you gonna change. 00:11:46 You just have to dig for it a little. 00:12:45 "I'm gonna change. 00:11:24 When did the peanut become the most toxic substance known to man? 00:11:29 Have you tried going anywhere near a school with peanut butter? 00:11:31 HOLY [bleep]. so people picked on you. 00:12:44 He's the candidate of change.. 00:12:31 He's not that old. but I'm feeling it lately. 00:12:50 What was he gonna change? 00:12:51 00 for the whole country. 00:12:01 It's the business. 00:12:24 You just don't see old people on tv.and off to bed? 00:12:58 He couldn't believe he was losing. as we all are. [bleep]?" [suc king in air] [bleep]! 00:11:21 [sucking in air] Peanut allergies. 00:10:59 Nobody had it. 00:13:01 Did you see how unglued he almost came during the last debate? 00:13:04 HOLY [bleep]. like. 00:14:45 I'M LIKE. 00:14:21 Am I putting too fine " I'm getting old. 00:14:52 He's got a half brother who's.. 00:18:25 Together. 00:13:45 Hillary clinton got in trouble during the campaign because she said tha t white people wouldn't support barack obama during a general election.gov. HOLY [bleep]. 00:13:51 White people wouldn't support barack obama. 00:15:04 Bill clinton had roger clinton. we can all fight the flu. "[bleep].every politician has that [bleep]-UP ASS[bleep] BROTHER. the r ole that race played. 00:14:12 Are not gonna support barack obama. 00:17:49 I can't just wash it away. 00:18:18 Flu vaccines are safe and are the most effective way to protect yoursel f and your baby. 00:13:53 And that sounded like something a democrat shouldn't say." she started saying. which was 50 times worse. 00:13:23 HOW THE [bleep] AM I LOSING? 00:13:24 I am so furious! 00:13:25 I want to throw my hands in the air. 00:15:10 And-. so she starte d using code words for white people. um. a homeless guy in kenya. and expectant moms are espe cially at risk for serious flu-related complications. "white people. 00:17:58 Nothing cures better. 00:13:40 Race was such a huge thing IN THAT ELECTION.[laughs] 3q dealt with the itching of athlete's foot. 00:15:05 Jimmy carter. 00:18:23 Get the facts at flu.>> yeah! 00:19:07 >> Yeah-ha-ha! 00:19:09 [crowd cheering] A lot of people just say. but I can't! 00:13:28 This is as high as they go. like. of course.00:13:11 Really? 00:13:12 How am I losing? 00:13:15 I'M A [bleep] WAR HERO! 00:13:17 I'm losing to a 40-year-old NIGERIAN OR SOME [bleep]. a lot of people-. you know. 00:17:54 It's powerful formula can even cure severe cases of athlete's foot. " [cheers and applause] It's amazing. and. 00:19:02 Getting divorced again. 00:14:15 You know what I mean? 00:14:16 Hard-working americans. 00:13:21 His name rhymes with osama. 00:14:29 IT'S DEPRESSING AS [bleep]. 'cause instead of saying. "hard-working " [laughter] . 00:18:07 So let's join together and fight the flu. you know. marriage. t . had billy carter. 00:18:09 The cdc and american college of obstetricians and gynecologists recomme nd that pregnant women get both the h1n1 and seasonal flu vaccines. Whatever the hell he is. 00:17:59 The killer cure. barack's got his brother. "well. 00:17:51 Killing it takes clinical strength. 00:14:36 When you see people your age ARE ACCOMPLISHING REAL [bleep]? 00:14:40 He's out there trying to decide what to do about north korea. 00:19:02 . I DON'T " you know who's got to feel terrible about this election? 00:14:51 Barack obama's brother. 00:15:07 And jeb bush has george bush. 00:17:58 Lotrimin ultra. 00:15:02 You know.. 00:14:32 SEE HOW MUCH OF A [bleep] LOSER That makes me feel like? 00:14:34 Seriously. 00:14:56 This guy-. 00:17:52 I only use lotrimin ultra. 00:18:01 This isn't going to be just any flu season. 00:14:42 I'm trying to decide whether to start dyeing my beard or not. 00:14:30 President's a couple years older than me. you know. the ones that don't run fast and don' t have GIANT [bleep]. 00:20:50 Snack for you? 00:20:51 Snack. for you. snack. sir? 00:20:41 Snack. you know. snack. 00:20:14 I was on a plane the other day. 00:20:33 If you had to say "snacks" over and over and over again. "snack s. 00:19:39 I happen to be attracted to women. 00:20:06 [laughter] You know. I think. uh-. maybe because you got to say that [bleep] OVER AND OVER In an airpl ane.I have three sons. a snack? 00:20:46 Sna--snack! 00:20:48 Snack. 00:19:36 Like. snack. if one of them turns out to be gay and wants to marry a dude. 00:19:32 You just are what you are. if I would care-. please? 00:21:11 No? 00:21:13 Snack.[cheers and applause] Snacks! 00:21:27 So somebody asked me. snack.although. 00:21:47 [cheers and applause] I would support that. 00:20:43 Sna--sir. it sucks. 00:20:52 Snack! 00:20:52 Snack. dad! . 00:19:47 [cheers and applause] I don't-. 00:19:31 You don't choose whether you're gay or not. snack. you know. snack. 00:19:23 And second of all. and the flight attendant was a guy. THAT'S GOT TO BE A choice. no? 00:20:25 He could definitely scale that back a little teeny-tiny bit: " but then I realized. 00:19:42 You know? 00:19:43 I mean. and he's " HOLY [bl eep]. 00:19:19 It should be between a man . you know. uh-. I mean.. it'd make anyo ne sound pretty over-the-top.I don't know what the." you know. 00:20:16 Flight attendant walks up next to me with the cart. snacks. if a man wants to marry another man. I don't choose to be attracted to women. 00:19:33 How could you discriminate against someone for being what they are. 00:19:38 I don't choose it. t hat should be his right. 00:19:28 I MEAN. 00:21:33 How gay? 00:21:36 You know what I mean? 00:21:38 I mean. 'cause this guy just had to push the cart and say that 400 times: "Snack. then? 00:21:18 Kind of like somebody. 00:19:16 There's too much divorce. 00:21:30 And somebody asked me if I would care if one of my sons was gay. first of all. look. 00:21:44 And I would support that. it's probably okay to laugh at that . it's every ten years or so I got to give all my [bleep] AWAY AN D START From scratch. and it should be a sacred institution. good luck with it. a snack? 00:20:45 Miss. 00:19:30 You don't choose what you are. snack. HOLY [bleep]. t here is a level of gayness that seems to be on purpose. 00:20:54 LET ME SUCK YOUR [bleep]. 00:21:49 But if I get on an airplane and my son walks up behind me going.hat's the problem. at that point. snack. 00:21:45 But--yeah. sir? 00:20:42 Snacks. I have snacks. it's certainly n ot sacred. 00:20:56 Please? 00:20:57 PLEASE LET ME SUCK YOUR [bleep]! 00:21:01 Please! 00:21:03 JUST THE [bleep] A LITTLE BIT? 00:21:06 Sir. SIR. you can't have a favorite. 00:22:01 That's all I'm saying. 00:26:28 I think you should start drinking at 40. 00:26:35 Later on is when it gets [bleep] DIFFICULT. life is fine. 00:23:11 And I don't. "boy. 00:22:46 " and you got to play along and be like. 00:26:17 >> There's such a youth-oriented culture. b . no one has a dog 'cause they were too drunk to pull out. 00:26:32 AND THEN GET [bleep] UP When you need it. 00:22:51 " HOW [bleep] INSULTING IS THAT? 00:22:53 First of all. I wouldn't give A [bleep] IF ONE OF MY SONS Was gay.. 00:23:09 You can't let them know if you do. 00:26:42 But I can't. yeah. 00:22:18 You know what I mean? 00:22:18 Two normal. BUT IF THEY START [bleep] The turkey and. and then later you taper off and y ou just kind of [bleep] MISERABLY DIE And fade away. 00:26:30 You should save it up. that jessica alba's " [laughter] "Boy. decent sons with a shot of getting into heaven. 00:22:50 Really? 00:22:50 Your dog is like your kid. 00:26:37 Like. you know. I think the drinking age should be 40. Probably. 00:23:30 It's not like I care about people. so what do I give A [bleep]? 00:22:29 I have three sons. GREAT. you know what I'd do " GARGLE HER [bleep] BAG. 00:23:07 You know. "party when you're young. 00:23:14 [laughter] Exactly the same way. 00:23:21 That's the main thing. 00:26:26 Li. when you're young. my life is so much harder now than it was when I was younger. 00:26:40 I WANT TO BE [bleep] UP NOW All the time. I don't have--my dog is like my kid. 'cause. "ha-ha-ha-ha. "i know. because now I'm an "alcoholic" and I can't drink at all. he could dial that down a little tiny bit. it's rough sometimes. but otherwise. " I'm kid ding. 00:22:37 They go. 'cause I have a dog. 00:22:13 Obviously. 00:22:56 That's the first thing. probably something else. 'cause I'd still have two normal ones. you know. you know? 00:26:19 It's like. 00:22:02 That's behavior. and t hey won't come out. 00:22:02 You know what I mean? 00:22:03 If he wants to bring his new husband to thanksgiving dinner. 00:22:35 It's tough. 00:22:44 "Yeah. 00:23:32 It's just that it gets exhausting to have to play along with that chara de all the time. then I might be like. if she ha d one. he's like. 00:23:19 I hope they never feel the need to be in the closet. you know. of course.00:21:55 " you know. and it's the greatest thing in the world. you know? 00:26:25 It should be the other way around. you know? 00:23:23 'Cause everybody knows those guys that are just so in-the-closet. 00:23:05 And you can't--you got to try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. 00:26:31 Build a foundation. 00:23:39 Every time I see him. you know. but it's a lso. you know? 00:22:39 " PEOPLE WITH DOGS SAY [bleep] Like that all the time. 00:23:12 I treat my main son and the . 'cause that's when you need it . 00:23:28 And it's not like I care. tommy. you know. 00:22:35 And I was having this conversation with somebody. 00:23:38 I have this friend tommy. 00:28:21 And it's not-. some broken-down old dude with his sweaty liver-spotted head. 00:27:40 You always go out and get drunk . that's not so easy. 00:28:36 His big bushy eyebrows. you know? 00:28:55 .. later.[cheers and applause] The things you do when you're young are not that bad anyway. " you know. that's when you need the beer goggles. thinking. maybe he thinks that th ought should be conveyed directly instead of being downloaded into this weird " or sex. 00:28:05 [laughter] People always groan at that. what's that? 00:27:23 He can't read? 00:27:23 [sniffs] Well. you know. 00:27:09 Parties are fun anyway. "[bleep]. 00:27:17 That would be a lot easier with some fat rails and a few shots of jack in you. guys are g onna want to have sex forever. 00:28:25 Can you imagine? 00:28:27 Laying there. 00:27:12 Parent-teacher conferences.it's worse for women.. 00:29:22 " " "oh." 00 IN THE AFp]. just sitting here " " "ah. 00:27:45 Later on is when you need the chemicals. finding out your kid's A HALF A [bleep]. even if you are an old person. 00:27:31 Maybe he's just frustrated by the fact that reading seems like such an imperfect form of communication. and he's looking down at you. [bleep] OLD People's disgusting. 00:28:01 It's later on. 00:27:44 Save it up for later. I would think. 00:29:28 What are you gonna order? 00:29:29 " "lol"? 00:29:30 HOW [bleep]--ARE WE REALLY AS Happy as a country? . 00:28:02 LET'S FACE IT. save it up. not when you're 18 or 19 and everything's more or less where it's sup posed to be. 'cause now with viagra. 00:27:27 [laughter] "Reading's not for everybody.ecause when I do. 00:29:16 I tried to fight it. 00:28:48 As he grinds his bony pelvis into you. 00:29:02 His two-foot scrotum feels like " texting is a technology that I never would have anticipated catching on the way it did. this ain't bad at all. I end up snorting crystal meth off a switchblade at some after -hours bar.. 00:29:16 Now I'm just like everybody else. 00:28:13 YOU'RE STILL [bleep] ANOTHER Old person. HEY. you know. 00:28:45 Like two santa claus beards . 00:28:56 [cheers and applause] [bleep]. 00:27:47 When you've been grudgingly PUSHING YOUR SEMI-HARD [bleep] Into the sam e woman for 25 years. the things-. and it's-.. looking up at the hollowed-out shell of the man you marri ed. 'cause I used to work in a nursing home. 00:28:39 HIS [bleep] SAGGY MAN-TITS Are flopping around with tufts of gray hair smacking you . huh? 00:29:15 HY [bleep]. you know. 00:29:01 "Well. . 00:28:10 IT'S DISGUSTING TO [bleep] Old people. 00:28:14 [bleep] OLD PEOPLE'S DISGUSTING. [bleep]. 00:27:22 "Oh. 00:28:16 I know. maybe he's a visionary. 00:28:50 Wouldn't that be a nice time for some ecstasy? 00:28:52 Wouldn't that be a nice time to start rolling a little bit? 00:28:54 Then.. maybe he's not a reader.[laughter] It's disgusting. I'M GONNA BE LATE For my flight in the morning. because. nothing. 00:27:14 Parent-teacher conferences. 00:29:20 [bleep]. that's fine. 00:27:10 It's the things later in life that suck. at t hat point. 00:29:18 I'm walking around like a crack-addled prayingtis 24 hours a day. [bleep]. and my friend. I THOUGHT. and you know what? 00:30:46 Maybe if you didn't discourage me at everything I ever did. 00:30:36 YOU'RE SO FULL OF [bleep]..I know a couple people tha t seem pretty happily married. like. . 00:34:50 " there are more whipped men on television than there were on theamista d. If there was only a way I could . 00:29:38 [laughing maniacally] " " [laughing maniacally] Texting is such a-.the other day. texting each other back and forth. huh? 00:36:51 Yeah. 00:35:18 God couldn't kill this guy." " " "YOU'RE [bleep] DRUNK!" "I'M ON [bleep] VACATION!" "You're gonna be hung over tomorrow. so he jumpe d into the ocean and drowned. stereotyped. hey. and then he killed himself over a woman. 00:34:43 It's like. 00:34:36 And then the wives are. [bleep]... you can't get wood on blow. mom? 00:30:43 And it's only a psychological thing anyway. and even he has to play that role of the cliche. jumped off the balcony of a cruise ship into th e ocean. IF I HEARD The number of times he would say. 'cause he got into a fight with his wife about his bar tab. douchebaggy. and I end up sending the wro ng text to the wrong person.00:29:33 Are people really laughing out loud as often as they say that? 00:29:35 'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE ONE [bleep] Psychotic nation. like. I'm gonna jump off this " " even barack obama and michelle obama. "ooh. 00:36:06 I could see exactly how . 00:35:01 IT'S A [bleep] Miserable existence. 00:35:43 There was a-. I get involved in too many diffe rent text exchanges with too many different people. 00:34:28 HOLY [bleep]. like. 00:29:58 FINALLY I THOUGHT. 00:35:59 To anyone that's never been married. if we're like.[cheers and applause] OH. 'cause I swear to god-. you know.I'm not sa ying this for effect. 00:35:08 Did you see this guy that got hit by lightning? 00:35:10 He got hit by lightning seven times. how would you know. HOLY [bleep]. especially if you wa tch television. we're texting each other back and forth for. 00:30:51 " >> is anyone happily married? 00:34:15 Is anyone actually happily married? 00:34:18 [cheers and applause] It just doesn't seem-. sex-starved liars. and it's when I do too much . just having lunch. "oh. loser hu sband. 00:36:04 When I heard that story. 00:35:11 He's been hit by lightning seven times and survived. jumped off of a cruise ship. like. "YEAH.it's just these whiny. "[bleep]. 00:35:55 . I wouldn't become such a drug addict in the first place. 00:34:31 It's like-.how about that guy that jumped off the carnival cruise sh ip. the image of marriage in america. 00:29:56 45 Minutes. during the campaign. "please. "dude. right? 00:30:24 I ended up telling my mother to pick up an eight-ball 'cause I'M GONNA [bleep] OUT OF HER Later. 00:30:02 [laughter] That would really move this ALONG NICELY. can I have some sex? 00:34:44 " "slow down. 45 minutes. 00:35:20 [laughter] " there was a guy-. 00:30:23 That is embarrassing. THESE BITCHY [bleep]. 00:30:07 Why can't they invent some sort of voice-sending machine to replace thi s primitive " the worst thing about texting is. they seem to be pretty happy together. you're supposed to take ice-scu lpting classes " "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE [bleep] Up. 00:36:40 " HOLY [bleep]. 00:34:29 You watch these sitcoms. tiger. " really? 00:36:49 That's really what he thinks. but for the most part. you know. like." "Hey. I don't know. I was making plans. 00:30:29 [laughter] And she's like. have a lot of money. 00:38:26 [laughter] The economy's been terrible. 00:38:21 That's what I would do. b ut in this economy. 00:38:55 A lot of people don't even have cars in this economy. 00:38:34 People are keeping things in perspective for the first time ever. ha-ha. 00:39:25 "Hey. 00:39:09 THEY SET ALL MY [bleep] ON FIRE Too. people saying things like. 00:39:00 [laughter] But in this economy. 00:38:11 Let me ask you. ha-ha. I was happy just to HAVE [bleep] TO BURN. I'm d oing a character. 00:37:43 " "what about the smoking. I'm happy I still have my ca r. 00:38:31 But you know what? 00:38:32 There's some good things about the economy being so bad. which I thought was unnecessary. 00:39:04 A lot of people aren't getting [bleep] IN THE ASS OUT THERE Anymore. I'm president of the united states of america. I N THIS ECONOMY. did you lose a lot of money in the stock market? . 00:38:38 It's unbelievable. really want to be " I know that doesn't sound like him. 00:38:22 " . But in this economy.00:36:53 "Well. "well. 00:38:51 I HAVE A [bleep] CAR. you know. 00:37:32 I've turned him into. michelle. how would he ever possibly negotiate with other world leaders? 00:37:52 "You'll halt the development of your nuclear program " "really? 00:37:56 Did your wife tell you to say that? 00:38:00 Look at me. Or. 00:38:01 I love to smoke! 00:38:03 Oh. I made a deal with mic helle that I could run for president if I quit smoking. YOU KNOW? 00:39:17 THE FACT THAT I WAS [bleep] In the ass and had all my [bleep] BURNED. she really is the . but I mean. it's delicious to smoke. I was happy JUST TO GET [bleep] IN THE ASS. she's the smart one in the family. but in this economy. please? 00:37:26 I really. you know. I'm happy just to have my job. 00:37:34 "Oh-ah.SHOULD WE TALK NUCLEAR [bleep]. do you want to-. like. uh -. so. 00:38:18 You know what I'd tell me wife if she told me to quit smoking? 00:38:20 I'D CUT HER [bleep] TITS OFF. "you know what? 00:38:40 I hate my job. 00:38:49 A lot of people don't have that. 00:37:39 I really want to be president. 00:38:01 I'm smoking. 00:39:09 IT'S GOOD TO GET [bleep]. " if that's true. I'm happy just to have what I have.. 00:38:43 A lot of people don't have their jobs. of course. really? 00:37:19 He had ask for permission? 00:37:20 He had to make a little deal with wifey-poo to run FOR [bleep] PRESIDEN T Of the united states? 00:37:24 "Please. I was pretty happy to have that." do you know they asked him during the campaign if he quit smok ing? 00:37:07 They said. 00:36:56 I mean.I love smoking. really? 00:37:17 You really think that's how it went down.. or do you have any [bleep] BAL LS AT ALL LEFT? 00:38:09 YOU [bleep]-WHIPPED [bleep]. michelle. 00:39:23 A lot of my friends. 00:37:42 You're the smart one. [bleep] BULLWINKLE OR SOMETHING. 00:38:05 Should I just talk to michelle directly. please. but in this economy. you know? 00:38:46 I didn't get a raise this year. and they were calli ng me up.. 00:38:57 I GOT [bleep] IN THE ASS . "what happened with " he said. 00:37:14 " really. 00:42:44 And you know. cool. 00:40:21 It's the original. a few cells. classic. 00:39:32 So they're calling me up.IT'S JUST [bleep]. THAT'S ALL. actually I have exactly the same amount of money now as I did when all this [bleep] STARTED. 00:39:45 [cheers and applause] This is a very. THAT'S ALL. these stem cells. because they say. 00:39:39 Turns out investing all my money in tequila and strippers wasn't such a bad policy after all. 00:43:18 It's nothing miraculous. fox has parkinson's. 00:43:32 It would be a miracle if the [bleep] COULD MAKE A BABY All by itself. so I thought it had to be a wesome. the expectations are pretty low. 00:43:22 I HAVE [bleep]-LOADS OF IT Sitting around my apartment right now. 00:43:31 It's not a miracle. 00:43:03 It's just a human egg. 00:42:47 It turns out that embryonic stem cells are stem cells that come from hu man embryos. 00:40:22 Creamy.I wouldn't call him man-goo. I looked it up a little bit. like parkinson's and cance r. I'D BE. that's been touched by just a teeny tiny little bit OF [bleep].[cheers and applause] I wasn't even sure what e mbryonic stem cell research was. 00:43:36 If I get back to my apartment and there's a baby crawling out . 00:43:17 IT'S JUST [bleep]. these stem cells come from a life. 00:40:17 Wendy's frosty is made with fresh cream and 100% real cocoa. probably. "no. th at would be a little too on-the-nose. 00:43:15 They put a--just a little [bleep]. 00:42:58 They represent life. 00:44:11 I've done a lot of shows with this guy. 00:44:10 Michael j. 00:42:54 And these christian groups were blocking the use all the time. "well. 00:43:00 There's a miracle of life " a miracle of life? 00:43:02 It's just a couple of cells. you know? 00:44:14 He is way cooler than any [bleep] BABY I'VE EVER MET EVER. 00:40:13 Summertime is frosty time! 00:40:14 For just 99¢¢ treat yourself to a real original.00:39:27 " but I've had a lot of "personal" problems in the last few years. I mean.I better take little man-goo here down to the-. 00:44:24 Is that person sleeping? . 00:40:23 Now only 99¢¢ andonly at wendy's. you know? 00:44:07 You know. which. they lifted the ban on embryonic stem cell research.. uh. 'c ause clearly these christians are on to something. and they could be used to cure diseases. 00:39:54 You know. 00:43:40 All covered in tissues AND [bleep]. I didn't-. very good time TO BE A [bleep]-UP . 00:43:53 Maybe I better take little spunky-. 00:42:59 Life is being destroyed. 00:43:20 IT'S [bleep]. 00:42:41 I just knew that christian groups hated it. 00:39:33 I'm like. so I don't have any money at all. 00:39:52 That's all I'm saying.I better take my little-. 00:43:30 It's not something special. 00:43:25 It's just-. 00:44:04 Something else. 00:44:13 He's awesome. 00:40:25 ♪♪ You know when it's real ♪♪ 00:42:29 >> the obama administration. 00:43:13 It's just a little bit of [bleep] ON THERE. they could use them to cure disease s like parkinson's. "WHOA! 00:43:44 I better take little [bleep]-BABY HERE TO GET Baptized or something. 00:44:27 There's seriously a guy sleeping. 00:47:33 But no taking and no breaking of coral. 00:46:21 "Enjoy it out there.you know.I'm just trying to wonder why you would opt for that? 00:45:26 You know what I mean? 00:45:32 AT FIRST. for a minute. I got a pretty good idea why you migh t be feeling a little groggy.I swear to god. I thought yo u had. 00:46:49 Are you jamaican or just american trying to be jamaican? 00:46:53 Jamaican? 00:46:55 Doesn't matter. "there's tree coral like the tree. a [bleep] DISORDER AND YOU WERE Just--so I didn't want to highlight it. 00:47:11 And I was on a glass-bottomed boat tour. 00:45:41 BUT [bleep] THAT. but i-. I'm not saying you and i are clearly sharing a comedic sensibil ity.I was in jamaica once. 00:47:36 Remember. like. no breakin g and no taking of coral. like. 00:46:47 The sense of humor is a little different. 00:46:00 It is a little bit of a-. you were sleeping or if you were just. there'll be no breaking and no taking of coral. 00:45:58 . 00:46:58 I'm wasting union time here. this guide is taking us out there. to chimp around up here like monkeys and h ope that no one passes out on us." .. 00:47:28 I WAS LIKE. 00:45:17 I'm sure I'd be sleeping watching you grow weed or whatever you do for a living. 00:46:06 It's not like I'm at THE [bleep] CAN IN TOPEKA. 00:44:37 What's up. 00:46:10 Ideally. 00:44:30 Oh. 00:44:34 THAT IS [bleep] GREAT. man? 00:44:40 Are you all right? 00:44:43 Are you all right? 00:44:45 How's things? 00:44:48 Did you get dragged in off the street? 00:44:50 WHAT THE [bleep]? 00:44:51 Why do you look angry? 00:44:53 Are you all right? 00:44:56 Are you okay? 00:44:58 Why you so tired? 00:45:02 Doesn't strike you as a weird choice to fall asleep in the third row of my big tv taping? 00:45:08 I mean. there wouldn't be a dude passed out in the front row. 00:44:28 Is that a guy? 00:44:29 I can't even tell.This is not normal. 00:46:08 I'm sitting here in a theater in new york. WITH THE [bleep] Lighting. what's going on her e. like-. I was in-. I couldn't tell if. . 00:46:14 BUT WHAT THE [bleep]? 00:46:14 That's what we get paid for. 00:46:30 " me got up too early FOR THIS [bleep]. then? 00:45:16 I mean. "[bleep]. 00:47:22 He goes. does take a the wind out from under my sails a little bit. 00:45:42 As if I'm not distracted enough SEEING A [bleep] SLEEPING Rasta man in the audience. bra in coral like the brain. " he goes. I'm all for sleeping. there's a dude sleeping dead-center. bro. 00:46:56 NONE OF THIS IS GONNA [bleep]-. "you're gonna see all kinds of coral." I mean. but remember. 00:45:46 I'M LIKE. but what the [bleep] BROUGHT YOU IN HERE In the first place. 00:47:16 And the guide. 00:47:06 You know. MON.. "HOLY [bleep]. 00:46:22 " [snoring] [Jamaican accent] "Why you " "me don't know. 00:51:07 My friends. 00:51:29 If you couldn't get drunk and paint yourself orange and brown ever sund ay.. 00:50:51 . 00:52:17 Why do you think they held steroid hearings in congress? 00:52:19 Steroid hearings? 00:52:20 Is that a congressional matter? 00:52:22 With all the problems in the world. that's not a congressional matter. 00:50:49 . .. can we break " and he goes. 00:51:08 Get the facts at flu. we got to figure out why these base ball players are-. you know. it's cold and gray. you might REALIZE.. bloated mess of a wife waddles toward you with her front butt spilling out over her acid-was h jeans. 00:51:23 HOLY [bleep]. 00:51:09 Together. You can look. you'd look around AT YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR [bleep] Little hous e that you can't afford the payments on anymore. 00:51:36 [laughter] HOW THE [bleep] DID THIS HAPPEN? 00:51:39 How did I end up in this frozen [bleep]-HOLE?" I mean. it's a nice place. 00:51:02 It's the best way to prevent the flu.before we figure out why-. 00:50:59 I'm getting vaccinated. "[bleep].I mean. 00:51:51 But I mean. 00:49:16 1-800 Contacts? theycan't have my brand. 00:49:17 I have special eyes.. I'm gonna go shoot myself and my pregnan t 12-year-old daughter right in the mullet " you know. IT'S LIKE The new opium to the masses. and then your big. 00:51:47 I forgot that people from cleveland will actually watch this. but you don't 'cause you got the big game to look forward to.. 00:51:04 . 00:51:01 Vaccination is safe. 00:51:21 >> Sports are way too important to people in america. 00:51:05 . especially not this year. 00:49:21 Look! look with your special eyes! 00:49:23 My brand! 00:49:25 Quality contact lenses. "excuse me.00:47:40 00:47:41 00:47:42 00:47:43 You can swim around. 00:49:27 Call. No breaking and " I said. 00:52:33 [cheers and applause] Before we-. "no! 00:47:50 " so it could be a communication issue. 00:51:55 You know. "[bleep].[cheers an d applause] Why barry bonds' balls seem to be shrinking? 00:52:41 Is that really a congressional concern? 00:52:43 They want to take batting records away from some of these guys 'cause t hey used illicit substances. and now at walmart. my roommates. 00:50:57 I'm getting vaccinated. 00:50:53 Are at higher risk of getting sick with the flu. 00:50:58 I'm getting vaccinated. 00:49:16 contactlenses arrived. 00:51:24 It just keeps people from REALIZING HOW [bleep] They actually are. I LIVE In cleveland. click. You can take pictures. 00:50:45 The flu? isn't that just for old people? 00:50:47 No. 00:52:26 Shouldn't they have been figuring out why we sent the entire military i nto iraq looking for weapons of mass destruction that turned out to be two donke ys and box full of ..gov. you know? 00:51:28 Let's face it. we can all fight the flu. and YOU'RE THINKING.. 00:50:55 That's why I'm getting vaccinated. 00:54:24 " he seems like a-. 00:54:14 There's no question about it. 00:55:26 You do not want to be sharing your weed with michael phelps.HE GOT SO [bleep] OVER FOR THAT Weed smoking. and he'll go. they're entertainers. but you know. 00:54:09 .. it tells kids.could you imagi ne the size of the bong hits michael phelps must take? 00:55:21 HOLY [bleep]. 00:54:16 Seriously.. 00:53:21 Like. "you can smoke a litt le weed and still be the greatest swimmer in the history of mankind. 00:53:48 That's a language program. just a refresher to get that fluency in chinese bac k." it is impressive that he could swim so fast with that giant underbi te. 00:54:50 They treated him like they caught him shooting heroin into the soft spo t of a preemie baby's head. 00:53:07 You know. you know. 00:54:50 They caught him smoking weed. 00:53:49 It teaches you to speak foreign languages. 00:54:32 Beneath the surface? 00:54:33 What's in there? 00:54:35 What makes him tick? 00:54:36 Could you imagine reading that book? 00:54:37 . 00:53:37 Good to have some passions. you know? 00:54:55 " IT'S [bleep] WEED. 00:53:29 He's like. 00:53:11 You know.00:52:47 00:52:48 00:52:50 00:52:51 00:52:52 00:52:54 00:53:00 Yeah. You know what's also an illicit substance? Crack. he seems like a great guy and everything. with that tree-trunk neck and that little peanut head o f his. he's on every-. 00:54:49 HOLY [bleep]. 00:54:19 He's got to be like a sperm whale feeding on krill as he makes his way through the pool.. but he's kind of hard to look at. just needs to just freshen up a little. 00:53:28 He was on something for a hotel chain. michael. you got to see him. 00:54:01 "Bone up" on it. " he's on every c ommercial. 00:53:54 "When in learned I was going .. TALK ABOUT Bowl-clearing lung capacity. on every commercial. like he's already got it down pretty much. 00:54:39 And pillows! 00:54:43 " he-. I would think. 00:55:01 "It sends the wrong signal " yeah. michael phelps. I will say that.I turn on the tv. that's got to create some drag. HOLY [bleep]. 00:53:40 "I love 'em! 00:53:42 " he's in a commercial for the rosetta stone. [cheers and applause] This hero-worship OF THE ATHLETES. 00:55:38 Men's synchronized diving.he's got all these books out. 00:55:35 The olympics. 00:54:30 There's a book called beneath the surface. 00:54:48 That was ridiculous. "i love pillows! 00:53:33 " [bleep]. crack cocaine is an illicit substance. could you imagine-. . 00:55:07 " [cheers and applause] " although. WHO GIVES A [bleep]? It's not a congressional matter. 00:53:57 I thought. 00:53:52 He looks right in the camera and says he used it. his underbite and those jug-handle ears. 00:55:36 These olympics were gr-. 00:54:23 "Ha-doo. 00:53:08 Michael phelps. No one's taking gold records away from whitney houston. . 'i better bone up '" [bleep].men's synchronized diving. because that would be politically unpopular. yes. they got to break out in song every five m inutes. but no. 00:56:29 Give us a little song. 00:56:31 Would you give us a little song? 00:56:33 Go get me a piece of cake. 'you're taking my job.com Captio ning byCaptionMax www. when it's your birthday now. 00:58:27 Thanks a lot. 00:56:21 When did that trend start? 00:56:22 That's the most irritating-. I also like [bleep]. 00:56:25 Now you can go to any "hey. 00:57:07 WHAT [bleep] JOB AM I TAKING Away? 00:57:10 Who-. 00:56:41 The waiters had to go out four separate times to different tables and s inghappy birthday.com >> Thank you. it's my birthday. 00:55:50 But you know. you know. 00:57:21 We could debate it on those merits.WHO WANTS TO WASH A [bleep] DISH For 50 cents an hour? 00:57:16 Okay. why would you not just be a diver? 00:55:47 What's the added appeal? 00:55:48 "I like diving. 00:56:34 " you go to restaurants now. you know . arguably all of us coming over like this collectively lowers the labor rates in the country.. 00:57:47 Good night. 00:56:49 ♪♪ "Happy birthday to you ♪♪ 00:56:52 ♪♪ happy birthday to you" ♪♪ 00:56:57 ♪♪ it's my birthday too ♪♪ 00:56:58 ♪♪ but no one's singing ♪♪ 00:57:00 ♪♪ happy birthday to me ♪♪ 00:57:01 ♪♪ 'cause I'm in the back ♪♪ 00:57:02 ♪♪ washing dishes ♪♪ 00:57:03 ♪♪ for 50 cents and hour ♪♪ 00:57:04 but somehow I'm the bad guy for taking away american job. . 00:55:53 In a perfect world. just to copy and get exactly right. ' WHAT KIND OF [bleep] IGNORANT BULL[bleep] IS THAT? 00:57:26 You have to ask yourself. you just t hink you can go to any restaurant and make the waiters sing happy birthdayto you . 00:57:48 Thank you.that used to be for children at chuck e. Why don't you just penalize the employers who hire us? 00:57:38 Oh. 'are you willing to pay the increased cost of paying a prevailing wage for some [bleep] SLOB TO STAND BACK THERE ' IF IT'S SU CH A [bleep] PROBLEM. 00:56:40 I was in a restaurant the other day.captionmax. 00:56:27 Dance around or something. there'd be another guy there in a bikini bottom tha t I can practice with all the time. SO. 00:57:42 ♪♪ 00:57:46 thank you very much. 00:56:03 [laughter] And when did we become such a nation of such self-important. and even the dishwashe r's out there singing. everybody. you' re taking my job. AND HOLY [bleep]. c heese. 00:57:49 [cheers and applause] Captioning byCaptionMax www. narcissistic douchebags that. " that sport couldn't be any gayer if they held it in clay aiken's ..00:55:39 Who would choose that as their sport? 00:55:45 If you can dive.captionmax. THE OWNER Comes out..