Get Him Running Back to You

Get Him Running Back to You - The 5 Simple Steps to Win Your Ex Back Fast By Matthew Hussey . 34 ‒‒ STEP 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69 ‒‒ STEP 4 . .Blow Him Away With Your NEW First Impression . . 61 ‒‒ STEP 3 . . . . . 129 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Foundations . . 19 ‒‒ What If Your Ex Gets Back In Touch With You During No-Contact? . . . . . .The 5 Simple Steps to Win Your Ex Back Fast . . . . .Create Uncontrollable Desire In Him . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Section 1 . . . . . . 19 ‒‒ STEP 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 ‒‒ The ‘No Contact’ Rule You Must First Obey At All Costs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Re-establish Contact With Your Ex Again (The Right Way) . . . . . .Let Him Win You Again (And Stay Forever) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93 ‒‒ STEP 5 . . . . . . . . . . . . .Your Questions And Unresolved Fears . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112 FAQ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Table of Contents Introduction . . . . . .Make Your Life Irresistible To Him . . . 13 Section 2 . . . . . . For the sake of full disclosure. I knew offering any secrets that reveal ‘how to get your ex’ back could spell potentially disastrous consequences. I wanted to offer the kind of guidance that could bring her back to a path of happiness and fulfillment. But I wondered: “Is that what this material should be used for?” It could easily put power in the wrong hands. This would be the woman whose relationship has broken down. Is it ever worth going back to a relationship that died? Why bother trying to resuscitate an old flame? Especially if that flame should’ve burnt out a long time ago!. Or at least it could mean power would be used for the wrong ends. She wouldn’t have to lose an incredible soul mate. but who desperately wanted to salvage a meaningful and potentially perfect harmony between two kindred souls. 7 . I wrestled with my conscience for some time over the idea of publishing any advice on this subject. and could take power back into her own hands. I knew the ideas and techniques I developed throughout creating my GettheGuy programmes certainly could be used to help win back an ex. For a particular kind of woman. Introduction I never thought I would write anything like this program. For her. this programme would be an incredible gift. For this woman. though mistakes were made and hurtful things were said. Hmm…tricky dilemma. This was the code upon which I based my life. Let bygones be bygones. one that means repeating past mistakes. another obstacle on the road to a more complete. wasting time. a mistake. There must be some for whom the break up is just a temporary blip. the path to happiness and true love really did involve reviving a relationship post-breakup? I had to confront this possibility. that everyone who breaks up is better off being apart. It would have been easier to keep my mouth shut. My philosophy on ex’s used to be simple and short: Make like Elsa from Frozen and Let The Damn Thing Go so you can find someone better suited to you. It’s easy to shout like a spectator from the stands and advise women to move on. after all. what if moving on isn’t necessarily moving forward? What if.8 M at t h e w H u s s e y But there is also a kind of woman for whom this programme could be bad news. and emotionally torturing herself trying to re-create a partnership between two people who should have gone their separate ways a long time ago. It couldn’t be. I used to base my teaching on a simple philosophy: Get The Guy or Forget The Guy. . a guide to winning back her ex back could easily lead her to get stuck in an endless obsession. But then I realised that real life is complicated. However. better love than before. This is the woman who desperately wants to rekindle a relationship that never ought to be rekindled again for a number of reasons. Look to the future and not the past. . If that is the case. I will count the programme as being far more valuable than the money you paid and will take extra credit for having bought you back the most valuable resource you have – your time. or (b) Get over your ex and move on to an even happier life than before. M at t h e w H u s s e y 9 So here’s what I decided: The only way I could release this material with a good conscience then was to lay down a few safeguards before even beginning. when they hurt and feel like agony and you’re certain you’ll never rise another morning in bed without feeling sick at the very thought of not having that guy in your life anymore. I say this because much of this programme is going to involve DEEP changes to your own life. Here’s the most important: Getting your EX BACK is NOT for everyone. there’s every chance you’ll realise that you don’t even need your ex anymore and are ready to find happiness elsewhere. My promise before beginning then is simple: Going through this process will ensure you either (a) Get your ex back. going back to the relationship is not the obvious answer! So I preface all of this by saying that if all you learn from this programme is that you don’t want your ex back after all. I will have saved you many hours of hopeless obsession. and potentially years of your life spent in a reheated version of a relationship that should have been left to expire the first time round. Even when breakups suck. and after you make those improvements in your own life. 2. this guy is wrong for you. I don’t want you to go running back to a poisonous partnership. If you really feel the relationship was doomed but pine for your ex . You lack other easy options . End of story. let me just state: my aim in this programme is your fulfillment. if the relationship with your ex is special enough and worth saving. Your ex was emotionally or physically abusive . miserable or had cripplingly low self-esteem due to constant criticism and attacks on your character. So it’s win-win from here on out! Four Quick Reasons Not To Get Back With Your Ex Now if you’re still unsure if you’re doing the right thing by wanting to get back with your ex. So let me outline some of the most obvious reasons not to get back with your ex: 1. If you regularly felt emotionally isolated. does not by itself mean you should go seeking your ex as an ‘easy option’ instead of finding someone new. the following pages offer a foolproof plan for you to send him running back into your arms.10 M at t h e w H u s s e y That said.Just because you don’t have someone to cuddle up to and be warm at night with at present. for your own safety be glad it’s over and never look back. Period.If a guy EVER physically hurt or abused you in any way. For now. especially one that could deal a lethal blow to your self-esteem and leave you even more ridden with anxiety and hurt than before. I urge you to refer to the FAQ section towards the end of this document where I outline some questions you should ask if you’re struggling with your decision. Ok. Now. Move on and let him (and yourself ) be happy. those are my warnings out of the way.If you want to seduce him just for an ego trip and to boost your self-esteem. you can read more about deciding whether to get your ex back towards the end of this document. It will also make you more miserable in the long-term when you realise you’ve fallen back into a relationship with the same problems and struggles as before. Like I said. Once you know for sure that you do want your ex back and you know you’re ready to discover the precise steps for seducing him and making him chase you again. realise that this is a terrible reason for going back. Save yourself the hassle and focus your energy on a more worthwhile project. let’s get underway with reeling him back in your life. . but then you’re back once again in a familiar dynamic that was never going to work to begin with. 3. you might end up having fun and getting him back into bed for a night. M at t h e w H u s s e y 11 simply because you want a chest to rest your head against this evening. You want to prove to yourself he still wants you . Because you just can’t bear the thought of him moving on . 4.This one is plain selfish. all you have to do is read the material in the programme. getting your ex back isn’t the program for you. If you don’t love him anymore but are filled with jealousy at the idea of him finding someone new. . constant ache in your chest. titled ‘Back to Life: How to Recover From a Breakup Fast’ which focuses on how to build your life again and recover from the trauma of a break up. You feel the heavy. you need to begin right away by putting your life back in order again and walking the path to true inner confidence. In the programme I will tell you the appropriate 13 . I’m not going to pretend this period will be easy. Section 1 Foundations Beginning At The End: The Story Of A Break Up And Where You Are Now I know right now is painful. If this feels like where you are right now. Your stomach curls up in knots when you wake up and realise you don’t have him in your life anymore. feeling depressed and wondering how you’re possibly going to pick up the pieces of your life. One of the special free bonuses I’ve included in this programme is an e-book written by my brother Stephen. You could be reading this in a state of anxiety. A bad break up is one of the worst traumas you can experience. To make sure that happens. it also guarantees that along the way you are going to feel more empowered. So not only are you going to learn how to get your ex back.14 M at t h e w H u s s e y time when you should turn to this guide to kick start your steps to break-up recovery. first we need to know a few things about attraction…. I know first-hand how breakups can ruin every pleasurable experience . This will feel difficult at times. you’re also going to learn how to become his dream woman in the process. and at this point you’ll want to take a look at the steps Stephen talks about applying the principles of getting back to your ex from a place of maximum strength and positivity. This section covers the necessary foundations of attraction so that you understand what makes any guy attracted to you and what you .especially when you feel constantly anxious and can’t stop thinking about your ex every spare second. Which is why I want you to know that although this programme contains HIGHLY practical actions you’re going to take to get your ex back. Later in this programme I’m going to talk about the need to build your life back up again. instead of a feeling of desperate misery and tears which is only going to drive him even further away. The Attraction Formula That Ensures Lasting Devotion In order to get your ex back you’re going to have to attract him again. more alive and more excited about the possibilities of your life than you ever did previously. which means that attraction is possible to influence at any time. so don’t think I’m presuming to lecture to you as though you were just learning how to meet guys for the first time. having a formula gives you power. Having an Attraction Formula is also useful because it shows you exactly how to push his emotional buttons again and make him feel those feelings he did when he first met you. of course. and this is what the formula outlines. What I want to share here is what I call the ‘Attraction Formula’. you must already know some things about attraction. Moreover. There’s a science to attraction. and the reason I outline it here is because in several parts of the programme I’m going to be referring to certain components of this formula. There are things you can do to change and improve your appearance of course. but there are other factors at play. which will make it more clear why some of the steps I’m advising you to take are necessary to win his heart again. . but the next you didn’t get any? This didn’t happen because you looked so different on each of the two nights. Think about it: Have you ever gone out and felt that you were getting so much attention one night. M at t h e w H u s s e y 15 need to flip those switches in your ex’s mind that will win his heart and make him never want to let you go. I am aware. that for you to have even been in a relationship with a guy in the first place. This doesn’t mean you have to fake it and pretend uninterested. You show him you have standards. and it’s not true. 2) Perceived Challenge This is what people are really talking about when they talk about the idea of ‘playing hard to get’. and that you show you won’t simply yield just because he gives you some initial attention. It’s about how you walk. Men want to feel that they are earning you every step of the way. what your body language conveys – and there’s a lot we can do in each of these to influence how attractive we are perceived to be. but there are steps they have to go through to earn your attraction. It’s about how you’re perceived. move. talk. . it means that a guy has to prove he is worth it by showing investment. your fitness and how well you groom and take care of your body.16 M at t h e w H u s s e y So our formula is: Visual Chemistry + Perceived Challenge + Perceived Value + Connection = Deep and Lasting Attraction There are four elements here: 1) Visual Chemistry People think this is just about your natural looks. Men appreciate the things they earn. and he’ll aspire to live up to them. They want to feel that you’re attainable. your nutrition. This is also affected by your health. Perceived value can be linked to intelligence.g. E. 4) Connection Connection is when the two of you truly feel like you relate. your ability to be caring and nurturing. the lifestyle you have – something that makes a guy think to himself. It’s when a woman has certain attributes that prove she is really worth something. ideas and ways of thinking relate?’ This is what creates connection. That’s why connection is such a vital piece in the formula. This might be to do with personality traits that you possess. Of course. And notice that you can have all of the first three components without any connection. and your independence and ability to take care of your own life. which is to be expected since he . As we proceed through the programme. ‘this woman has value to add to my life’. This comes mostly from shared understanding and compatibility. I’ll be referring back to these elements now and again to show where you can demonstrate them on a date with your ex. your sense of fun and excitement and positivity. on some level you will have shown him these traits before. ‘Do I feel understood by this person? And do I understand them?’ ‘Do our beliefs. M at t h e w H u s s e y 17 3) Perceived Value Perceived value is more than just being a challenge. All these traits show a certain internal level of confidence and value that puts you above any other woman in his estimation. your kindness and confidence. 18 M at t h e w H u s s e y was presumably attracted to you while you were dating. By the end of this process. a stronger relationship with yourself. all of these traits can be influenced and added to. In this programme. but more importantly (yes. now that we’re done with the preliminaries. That’s why all the steps in this process are laid out chronologically from start to finish. let’s move to the main event. and don’t be tempted to SKIP anything. you’ll have an even stronger relationship not only with your ex. At the very least. since our beginning happens to be at the end of a relationship. more energetic and more fulfilled than you’ve ever been. and every step in this programme will aid these in some way to maximize your chances of attracting your ex back. when you do things is just as important as what you do. I said more importantly). But of course. You need to meet up with your ex at some point if you want to win him back into your life. getting your ex back is rather strange in this respect. So. recovering your life and becoming more desirable so that he can’t resist you. to have been in a relationship you will have had a good dose of visual chemistry and connection I would hope! As I said before. . and finally meeting your ex in person again and seducing him until he begs to be back in your life again. This programme is going to take you from making the first contact with your ex. Follow the steps. It begins with you broken and ends with you feeling stronger. 19 . It doesn’t matter what the scenario is: what’s crucial before ANYTHING else happens is how you act immediately after the relationship ends. Maybe he broke up with you. The ‘No Contact’ Rule You Must First Obey At All Costs I’m going to say something that might sound extreme right now. Maybe you dumped him. For you to even be reading this book. at some point your have suffered along with the rest of humanity in having to endure the pain of a relationship ending. Section 2 The 5 Simple Steps to Win Your Ex Back Fast STEP 1 - Re-establish Contact With Your Ex Again (The Right Way) Where does the story begin? The story we are writing now begins where most relationships usually end: The Break-Up. Why is this “Cooling Off ” space so important? • It gives him a chance to lose his negative associations with the relationship. These are TERRIBLE circumstances for getting him to reconsider the break up and jump back into a relationship. if you ever want a shot at getting someone back into your life. Right now. Think about this. Please. • It lets him wonder about you (and possibly even miss having you in his life). you need to start by giving them (and yourself ) some space. And I mean NO contact. Immediately after a break-up. The rule is as follows: NO CONTACT FOR AT LEAST 21 DAYS AFTER THE BREAK UP. He’s not going to have any perspective on the relationship and he’s probably going to be feeling volatile and emotional. confused and messed up. • It makes him feel NOT pressured. possibly hurt. no social media stalking.20 M at t h e w H u s s e y But it’s crucial you follow it if you want a chance at getting your ex back. no Snapchat pics of you with a sad face wearing his favourite shirt. No text messages. no phone calls. not only for your own mental health. but because. like you. and definitely no meeting up to discuss the relationship. his . your ex is going to be feeling raw. Just stop. no mysteriously bumping into each other at a nightclub (because you conveniently happened to be going to the exact same bar on Friday night). • It allows you to make some positive changes in your life and become more attractive in the process. It’s vital you do this right now. all it is going to do is validate his choice to cut you out of his life. That’s not to say you’re going to pretend to be happy-go-lucky and totally cool with the break-up. or attempt to cry and beg him to come back. send him long emails blurting out your despair. M at t h e w H u s s e y 21 emotions are going to be in ‘healing’ mode. or (b) he feels overwhelmed with drama. seeing you as a nuisance and as someone who adds a whole heap of drama into his life that he doesn’t need. Victim Mode is any behaviour in which you put yourself in the role of someone who needs to be saved. and all he’s going to want to do is avoid more pain. you need to be the exact opposite of drama and pressure. He’ll probably shut you out even more. and beg him to talk so you can ‘work it out’. I’ll explain how to strike the perfect balance between the two later in this section. This is a crucial idea to keep in mind throughout this program. drama. See. or if you act like a broken woman whose self-esteem is shattered beyond repair. such as call him repeatedly. or you send angry messages telling him what an asshole . and emotional uncertainty. So right now. Right now. the biggest mistake you can do right now is going into Victim Mode. If you do this. if you go try and make your guy jealous by flirting with other people in front of him. The principle here is to NOT GIVE HIM ANYTHING TO REBEL AGAINST. the likelihood is he will try to distance himself from you. If you now bombard him with messages begging him to take you back and pouring your heart out. And when you fight against a kid what does he want to do? Rebel. Guys can be like big kids. either because (a) he feels pressured and guilty. It’s this mode that tempts you to do desperate things. How And Why You Should Send A Goodbye Letter Ok. You send anger his way? He’ll feel pissed and see you as an antagonist. you can send your ex a short Goodbye Letter. Send it in the form of a text or email. About 4-5 days after the break up. Leave the drama behind and let him go through his own process. It’s been one of the most incredible of my life. Sounds crazy right? Believe me. once you start attracting him again he will sell himself on the idea of getting back together. So for those initial first 21 days. you MUST give him no reason whatsoever to rebel. If you do this. . The purpose of this letter is to confirm things are over between the two of you. let’s say via email. It makes him realise that you’re not hanging on. Let him stew by himself. I just wanted to thank you so much for the last year. You send him a short note. in which you say something like: Mike.22 M at t h e w H u s s e y he is…all of these behaviours are going to make him REBEL LIKE A CHILD. The Goodbye Letter is a very short break up letter. this is one of the best things you can do right now. because he won’t feel forced at all. You cry and beg to come back? He’ll pull away even more and feel validated in his decision to leave. There is one instance in which you are permitted to get in touch with your ex again. I lied. Just one though. You try and make him jealous? He’ll try and make you jealous in return. Despite how it all ended between us. And that’s why during this No Contact period. The point of this letter is to keep you in your ex’s head and give him a tiny reminder of the good times you had together. Good luck with everything xx That’s it. I’ll always think the best of you. you aren’t saying anything needy or begging. But you’re scrambling his emotions when you just accept the break up. And here’s the best part: It looks like YOU are the one who is ending things and moving on. Take care of yourself. He needs the time to decompress now and ONLY after those first few weeks should you even consider being a visible presence in his . Do NOT make it any longer than this. You are not going to save this relationship with your ex. M at t h e w H u s s e y 23 I’ll never forget our trip to Paris and I’ll miss our nights in bed eating Sushi together (insert whatever memory is appropriate here for you). but you do not press for any response. and you are nudging his emotions by reminding him that you won’t be in his life anymore. you send this letter. See. you are going to start a better one. Just be his teammate for now and show you are respecting his decision. Keep it short. And acceptance right now is a truly important part of this process. and don’t ask any questions. when you break up your ex needs space. You are giving him his space. Right now. he is bracing himself expecting you to try and save things and ‘work it out’. The trick though is not to rush it! This is what most people do and most people ruin their chances in these early stages by giving him things to rebel against. so quit spying on him right now!). this No Contact rule is going to feel like a prison sentence. but resist any urge right now to spontaneously update him on how you are feeling. Most people. Send the letter and forget all further contact for a month. Save your emotions for friends and family. know that you are damaging your chances of ever having your ex in your life again. You might even be thinking: “I HAVE TO MOVE QUICKLY OR HE MIGHT FIND SOMEONE ELSE!” Look. even if they flirt with one or two people during this time. get emotional. You might think that by severing contact you risk losing him. You’re only job is NOT to panic. are not about to go out again looking for something serious for a while. He needs to make his own mistakes. or say anything to your ex EVEN if you witness him moving on (but as I mentioned before. and right now the worst thing you could do is butt in and give your opinion on how he’s choosing .24 M at t h e w H u s s e y world again (and equally. And what if he does meet someone in 21 days? Chances are high that it’s a passing fling. If you’re hurting right now and desperately missing him. But trust me. and all he’ll be doing is comparing this new woman to you. this is 21 days. YOU need to grieve for the relationship alone for the time being). as he tries to recreate the intimacy of your recently ended relationship. every time you break that rule in those initial 21 days. It’s extremely unlikely for someone to be in a relationship less than a month after a big breakup. It will likely be casual. you shouldn’t be seeing him at all during the first 21 days. your mind is probably in a mess. If a guy broke up with you. But remember. Most people are not ready for a serious relationship to move on within a month. all this only applies if he happens to find someone else. I want to be alone. Your only job is to be totally cool with what he does. so don’t be afraid of having a good clean few weeks out of his company. Remember.e. right now he’s going to be trying to hold to that decision no matter what is said. Right now. This is too much pressure. He’s likely piled on the negative associations with the relationship in his head i. I can’t take it any longer. You both need time to (a) begin moving on with your life. you’re broken up. M at t h e w H u s s e y 25 to move on. Chances are he won’t. Immediately after a breakup you will feel like you MUST HAVE your ex back at all costs. And finally you need time off so that you can go and focus on your own life and surprise him with your progress the next time you get in touch. These 21 days away are necessary for you to start moving on. and (b) get some perspective on the whole relationship. you NEED to give him time right now to allow it to calm down. Whatever your feelings about who he chooses to be with now are none of your business. I need space. At best. You also need time for your emotions to settle down and for you to approach getting him back rationally. But this month is for you to cool off and decide rationally whether being back together is really the best . I feel trapped… Whatever that inner monologue in his head is saying. he’ll flirt with some girl at a party or go out to a bar with the guys to clear his head once a week. Everyone is allowed to move on in their own way. For the first 21 days. but just know that whenever you’re ready to start taking control of your life and emotions again you have the toolkit to do so immediately. and excessive contact. don’t be responsible for opening any lines of communication with him. emotional guilt.26 M at t h e w H u s s e y thing. begging. Did it fulfill your needs? Was there behaviour on his part that you couldn’t deal with any longer? Or is there behaviour on your part that you are simply willing to compromise on? This time apart will be the best gift you can give yourself. Quick Reader FAQ: What if I’m reading this and have already broken the “No Contact” Rule before buying this program? Is it too late now to ever win my ex back? No! . So I’m making it crystal clear. I’ve had my brother Stephen create an accompanying e-book ‘Back to Life: How to Recover From a Breakup Fast’ that you’ll obtain for free as a reader of this programme. I’ll tell you exactly when to consult this guide. But I implore you one more time. Most people blow it at this stage by trying to overwhelm a guy with tears. so don’t be a fool and skip it. Ok. Later. that’s the initial step out of the way. which will ultimately make you ten times more attractive should you still want to get your ex back afterwards. I’m asking a lot right now. but trust me on this one. Take some time to think about the health of that relationship. The usefulness of the advice I give next is only predicated on the fact that you have appropriately acted on the previous steps (including and especially the NO CONTACT rule). do not be tempted to ignore this crucial step and simply proceed to contact your ex. Now is also the time to make some changes and start taking care of yourself. It gives you breathing space to approach getting him back from a rational and calmer place. If you’re both speaking every day right now. From this moment on. The No-Contact Rule is an important part of the process. The reason I stress that people follow No-Contact immediately after a break up is because it has several benefits: 1. It provides you and your ex some physical distance. but it is not a universal scientific law which says that you absolutely must obey for a precise number of days or else you’ll never salvage your relationship. if you are STILL . fights. allowing him to miss you and feel your absence for a while (very important for re-igniting attraction). It’s going to show him that you are beginning the process of accepting and seeing him not as a boyfriend. tearful phone calls) to dissolve. and he’ll start to wonder whether you have moved on from his life. It allows space for any ugly feelings experienced at the end of the break up (i. So basically. 2. It will only do you good. it does not matter how long after the breakup you begin this program. 3.e. this might initially seem like confusing move on your part for him. fear not. Distance is your friend at this point. Let me explain. take a break for a few weeks (ideally 21 days) and refrain from getting in touch. even if you have broken up with your ex but have been talking every day. That’s a good thing. But with that said. through arguments. M at t h e w H u s s e y 27 No No No. If you’re nodding your head right now. . the important point is only that you do it now BEFORE anything else. and have not spoken at all since the breakup. I advise you to now begin to cut off contact for a few weeks and phase yourself out of your ex’s life for a while. there’s no need to panic. take the time now to start No-Contact from this point on. if you broke up a month or two ago. If you haven’t done it already. you can start the process right now. But IF you have been broken up for a few months but are currently in a weird limbo of constantly texting and talking on a regular basis. Don’t fret or worry about whether or not you did this as soon as you initially broke up. First. So don’t fret and worry over exactly when you initiate the No-Contact period. What if you broke up a few months ago? How do you start this process? It’s very possible that you are reading this programme and it’s already a month or two or even further beyond when the actual breakup occurred.28 M at t h e w H u s s e y talking to your ex. This step is all about creating distance and separating from your ex. He needs to see you beginning to live independently so that you can go away and make some positive changes separate from him. then you have already completed the No-Contact step and can move on to the following steps I outline from this point on. Be polite and kind if you walk past him in the corridor or end up in casual chit-chat amongst friends. because now your ex can actively see you living more independently. becoming strong. getting fitter and healthier – in fact from this position. you have more opportunity to influence how he perceives you. but do not have any intimate long talks and definitely do not linger around him or find excuses to go out with him after work. seek out a peer group that is separate from his and spend some time with them away from him. dressing well. But this scenario can work to your favour. being happy. such as a work colleague. Plus it makes you harder to forget and put out of his mind. If possible. or else you’ll just appear to be outright hostile. . and he’ll have a chance to miss your usual level of intimacy when you treat him like a friendly acquaintance and put more physical distance between you. It’s not as if you can just blank your ex and treat him like a ghost if you share a building with him. M at t h e w H u s s e y 29 What if your ex works in the same building/office? How does the 21 day no contact period apply? If you’ve been dating someone very close to home. making a special effort to look good. So here’s what to do: DRASTICALLY reduce the amount of time you spend hanging around your ex. the idea of cutting off contact for a few weeks may seem completely impossible. moving on and making positive changes. He’ll have the chance to see you fully functioning. it’s perfectly fine to be your usual nice. or else it will only prolong your pain at moving on and make you to continue obsessing over him. But make sure you are firm with your boundaries and give yourself this time now to appear more elusive and mysterious to him.30 M at t h e w H u s s e y Keep that sense of mystery. just say in a very neutral way.” After 21 days you can then move on and follow the next steps in this program. You need to make your relationship somewhat more formal at this stage. Though politeness should be present. You need the sweet-spot between coldness and showing desperation or too much close emotion. Let his imagination run wild with where you’re going after you leave the building. Don’t engage in banter. chit-chat or teasing with private jokes. Hang out with new friends and go out with a varied social circle. If he asks you why you’re talking to him less. fun self at work (though don’t overdo this by trying to “fake” being in a super good mood. Don’t discuss private affairs with him and say nothing at all regarding your romantic life. I want us to still be friends but I hope you understand that we both need some time to ourselves. Let him . happy. Just be pleasant to him but keep things brief and only talk if you have to for work or if you absolutely can’t avoid it without looking rude. “I need some time apart to move on from this right now. Again. or else he’ll see through it and think you’re trying too hard). you should leave out connection and intimacy right now. But chances are you’re going to get tempted. It simply means you have to change your relationship (for now) from an intimate one to a more formal one. no more sharing jokes and teasing. you are unable to have a No-Contact period. M at t h e w H u s s e y 31 see that you’re not moping around. even for 21 days. I recommend just not checking your Facebook for 21 days during your ‘No Contact Period’. but chances are. especially if you think there’s a chance your ex will .You Are Now A Company Brand Let’s face it. it’s possible not to make direct contact with him. Should you shut off the social media? Go on a Facebook fast? If you’re not into social media a great deal anyway. you are carrying on with your life and taking the time to enjoy your friendships. But contact is just one part of the story. In this next section I’m going to cover how to handle your online presence if you both happen to still be intimately connected through the world of social media. how many photos you’ve uploaded. and definitely no more spilling emotions to one another. Of course. So once again: do not panic that just because you work with your ex. No more texting. is about as hard as actually vanishing. you’re both going to have social media profiles on Facebook where you can see exactly what the other is doing. Your Social Media Profile . in today’s world vanishing from someone’s life entirely. and are able to read posts from your friends that may or may not refer to fun activities your ex is getting up to. and can live without it. no more physical contact. • Post statuses that refer to you being at home alone watching Frozen in your dressing gown for the third time that day. they remain focused on carrying on as normal so that they don’t damage their credibility. • Do not post on his Facebook wall. When times are bad for a business. anything you post or allow on your Facebook profile right now may well be scrupulously read over by him. • Post public messages to your friends about anything to do with your love life. Right now you treat your social media profile the way a company would. make sure you do NOT: • Post cryptic status updates about how down-in-the-dumps and upset you are. . • Do not send pictures or private messages. remember? That includes this stuff ). would they publicize how much they are struggling to keep up sales and complain about all their in-house problems? No. • Upload photos of you with random guys you met at a nightclub in an attempt to make him jealous.32 M at t h e w H u s s e y make contact or post some pictures for you to forensically dissect where he’s been and what he’s doing right now. And what about your own Facebook page? Remember. So in the name of all that is holy. • Post fake-sounding upbeat messages about how happy you are. So here are some rules about this: • Do NOT ‘like’ any of his posts or photos (you’re still in “No Contact”. M at t h e w H u s s e y 33 So the Ultimate Social Media Rule right now is to only let him see your best side. in an attempt to show your boyfriend what an amazing time you’re now having. Hey. and will only come across as either fake. or at worst. that doesn’t mean you can’t post any pictures that might stir up interest in your guy. A perfect example of this would be a snapshot of you at a Farmer’s Market with a friend. someone he can empathise with. But what you want to post are pictures that RAISE HIS INTEREST WITHOUT RAISING HIS ANIMOSITY. maybe you even think you could put up a picture of you and your cute friend so that your ex sees it and wants to get in touch. not someone whom he feels animosity towards. You might be thinking that this means you should post super- happy photos of you in a nightclub having the time of your life. or maybe at the top of a monument or on a . Don’t suddenly put up pictures of you going out to bars and clubs three nights a week even though you never did before. You want to be his team-mate now. You suddenly transforming yourself into a party girl he was never into in the first place is not going to suddenly have him swooning over you and wanting you back. Now. but let me assure you this is a terrible idea. Continue being the woman he would want to marry even in the tough times. This Jealousy Tactic is a common move undertaken by scorned men and women after relationships. will make him feel bitter and angry towards you. no matter what happens to be going on with you emotionally. even when you are not pointing your efforts towards him. Let’s say you took a picture at the Farmer’s market of you with a giant pumpkin. He’s also going to be wondering what you’re up to in other parts of your life. and even though it’s daytime. He’s also going to be asking himself who is behind the camera taking the picture. Because you’re somewhere unfamiliar to him. he’s going to see you in a different light. text. Otherwise he’ll feel like you’re not going anywhere. Unexpected even. It keeps him off-balance (in a good way). or Facebook you during this time? Should you just avoid responding altogether? . He thinks: “She never went anywhere like that when we were together. And that’s exactly what you want right now. This is why it’s good to do new things he can’t relate to. and your ex will begin to see you as new and different! What If Your Ex Gets Back In Touch With You During No-Contact? We’ve covered the No Contact period. But what if your ex tries to call. he sees how incredible you’ve made yourself up. You’re looking gorgeous in a new summer dress. but it’s not in a nightclub it’s in somewhere more interesting and less cliche. You don’t want your ex to see what you’re doing and think: Same old Sarah. How come she’s doing that now? Where is she?” Now you have his curiosity. You look like you’re having fun. This is all perfect because it raises questions for him.34 M at t h e w H u s s e y hill after a hike. So willingly embrace the new and different. for most of the time during this initial period. Even if he just says “thinking of you” don’t feel the need to send anything back. However. That doesn’t mean you have to respond. For this reason. In fact. only then are you allowed to respond. You can always get back in touch later to his missed call and say “Sorry. or that he’s in a competitive battle with you for who can be the most unaffected by the break-up. you should stick to your guns during “No Contact” and simply forgo responding to any of his messages until the 21 days elapse. This is a . But there’s a problem with this approach: NOT responding can itself be seen as an emotional response to his actions. he’ll start to think you’re being calculated and playing avoidance-games. you are sending him a direct message that you are avoiding him. When you ignore your ex completely. what’s up?”. an actively attempt to prevent him making contact. M at t h e w H u s s e y 35 Some would be inclined to say yes. there is an exception to the 21-day ‘No Contact’ Period: If your ex is the one who initiates contact. I would hold off responding to texts. Nor should you leave the dinner table with your friends or family to suddenly answer his phone call. And if he gets wind of this. You do not want to get drawn into any of those games. was at a dinner party with friends. Some guys feel the need to regularly check in because they are scared at first that you . b.A man may text you because he starts thinking about the good times. He gets nostalgic for you . don’t entertain much in the way of text messages. He may be texting because: a. so it’s important not to take his texts as an immediate sign that he regrets his decision to end things and wants to get back together. He feels guilty . Don’t read too much into it. But this does not mean that he is suddenly about to decide to get back together. c. It’s normal he would miss you.Some guys just feel terrible and want to see that you are doing ok. So initially you must stick to No-Contact and not take this too seriously. But what if he sends you inquiring texts? What if he sends you a message saying “How are you?” and wants to know what you’ve been up to? Unless he’s definitively telling you that he wants you back. and starts to miss them (especially when he’s sitting on his own without anyone new). because now he’ll be imagining the fun you were having and he’ll see you’re moving on with your life in a positive way. This still applies even if he sends messages saying things such as “I miss you” – don’t mistake this for an invitation to get back together. He’ll want to be reassured that you are moving on because he can’t stomach the idea of you being in pain. He’s scared of letting you go .36 M at t h e w H u s s e y high value way to respond if you miss his call. A guy can be messaging you immediately after the break-up for several reasons. and he wants to know that you’ve not suddenly started dating someone else. So while you can have the odd (very short) conversation by text if necessary. He’s lonely and needs validation . d. It just means he’s worried about losing you for good. but once again. It’s more attractive at this point to actively disengage with him for a period of a few weeks.For some men. If something has suddenly changed in your mind about the break up we can talk about working things out. texting you after the break up is a symptom of his need to still feel desired by someone special. he will respect you so much more than if you start getting back .” If you send your ex this message and you start moving on with your life. it is not the signal that he wants to be back in a relationship with you. This is often borne of jealousy. but apart from that I hope you’ll appreciate I really need some space right now. M at t h e w H u s s e y 37 will move on faster than he does. you might say in an e-mail or a text: “I know we’ve still been talking since the breakup but I personally need some distance to be able move on with my life and being still so close right now only makes it emotionally harder. in his lonely moments he subconsciously thinks about texting you and feeling like he matters to someone he’s attracted to and feels close with. you must not take the fact that your ex is sending you messages as being a reason to skip No-Contact altogether and jump to talking to him every day. Given all of these possibilities. if he texts and calls you a lot you should stand your ground and assert your need for some distance for a while. Since he’s now single and probably hasn’t met someone as good as you yet. For example. He may just want to talk because it makes him feel better. You need to be respected and show him the consequences of him oscillating and changing his mind and being uncertain. it doesn’t matter what he has to say right now. At this point. and take any decision to get back together slowly. You have to be the strong one here.38 M at t h e w H u s s e y to all his messages during the No-Contact period. you are going to have a much bigger impact if you stick to your guns at this point). and even these messages you should take with a pinch of salt initially and not simply sprint back to your ex immediately. If you speak to him over the phone and he just settles into normal casual conversation. or “Can we please talk?”. don’t indulge it for too long. the only messages you should take seriously from him are those in which he says something like: “I screwed up. Find out first what it is that needs to be discussed. He may just be wanting to hear your voice and feel soothed. in spite of you having no bitterness towards . I made a mistake”. So if he says: “Can we talk?”. Invite him back in gradually. You can always re-initiate later (and when you do. Part of that involves communicating that there are risks to him emotionally messing you around. and it’s your job to show him now that. say to him: “Can I ask why first?” He might then say: “I want to clear the air” or “I just want us to talk”. You need to show your feelings are not there to be toyed with at his whim. If this conversation isn’t intended for you both to work things out and be back together. It doesn’t change anything for you. He’ll also not be able to soothe himself by just picking up his phone to hear your voice. but entertaining this whim right now will not do you any favours in the long-run. Hanging on to your ex and staying in close contact before you’ve emotionally moved on is going to leave you in purgatory and only make your recovery time longer. Start the healing now. but excuse yourself after a short period and be the one to end the conversation. decide you need to move on and let him see that you are gradually breaking away and living your own life away from him. Have some time off for your own sake. you want distance right now. The longer game in all of this is making sure you feel better than you’ve ever felt and can move on from the break up with strength (whether or not you end up back with your ex). Only by having space and making positive changes in your life will you be able to get back your ex. you have no intention to remain in limbo while he keeps changing his mind about whether or not he wants you in his life. It will make him immediately see you as high-value. . Instead. so think about the longer game in this scenario and make sure you don’t jump to your phone every time your ex sends you a message. Then tell him that you need space right now and ask if he can refrain from contacting you for a while (unless he wants to talk about working things out). This will feel hard to do when all you want is to hear his voice. Remember. which means he will feel the pain of distance as well (which is a good thing for you). keep it short (5 minutes or so). M at t h e w H u s s e y 39 him. If he does call. be nice. Any of these are going to be toxic to any chance of making him want to be in your life again. depression. I’m not pretending otherwise”. helplessness. Resilience . Instead. 3.Humility involves you being modest. They are RESILIENCE. loneliness. and indignation.By strength here I mean you’re inner confidence. Let’s suppose in a text conversation he asks you how you’re dealing with things. Humility . instead of arrogant and prideful in your interactions. It’s you saying “this is me. and HUMILITY. I want you to focus on responding to every interaction with THREE PRIMARY EMOTIONS. Let’s quickly define all three: 1. your mental ability to move forward and take action. It’s the inner determination to rise up from a loss or failure and face the future with a sense of optimism again. Perhaps he says: “How’s it going?” An example of a perfect response to this would be as follows: . anger. You must NEVER communicate despair. which you must show at different times throughout your messages and conversations.Also known as the ability to bounce back. Now let’s look at some examples of how you can apply these three emotions in a conversation.40 M at t h e w H u s s e y How To Respond To His Texts The key to responding to any text your ex sends is in the EMOTION you choose to communicate in your responses. Strength . 2. STRENGTH. You are saying. unpleasant pessimism. Thus. it’s tough. rather than telling him you just drowned in a tub of ice cream after watching a whole series of Glee in your pyjamas. when you tell him “it’s going ok” you are putting yourself in the sweet spot between a fake. It’s been a tough week. This powerfully communicates STRENGTH. You’re not faking it by saying “OMG! I had such an amazing day” . M at t h e w H u s s e y 41 He says: “How’s it going? x” You respond: “Just got out of a dance class. Because here you are being honest and telling him things aren’t great. This part communicates RESILIENCE. over-the-top optimism.a text like that would only make him feel resentful and make him want to prove how incredibly he’s doing in return. Instead. . you can use whatever you want). You are bouncing back and show signs of having control over your life. 3. and a despairing. “But it’s going ok”: This is the icing on the cake. you are showing HUMILITY. but I can do this. x” This text is deceptively simple but let me explain why it’s exactly the sort of text you want to be sending right now. 2. “It’s been a tough week”: Here you are showing that it’s not been easy for you. but it’s going ok. Let’s break down each component: 1. but I’m getting there. “Just got out of a dance class”: What you’re really saying: Even though I’ve been through a traumatic break-up I am recovering and am not letting it stop me from pursuing my interests and hobbies (Remember: I’m only using a dance class as an example here. You are creating empathy by showing that you’re human and that you’ve been coping through a difficult period. which is where you want to be right now. every time you’re massaging your ex. If he asks you what you’re doing at the weekend. so I’m going to go check it out for a while. just ask yourself: “Am I showing either Humility. X” Again. you are still making the best of it. it tells him you’re out there doing things. You’re being honest with him. See. don’t be afraid to say something like. “I’ve been invited to a party Sarah’s friend is having. The point of this text is to show that you can demonstrate STRENGTH and create EMPATHY at the same time. as much you may not enjoy the situation right now. . this is positive. with or without him. It’s level-headed and just friendly. but it doesn’t send an over-the-top message of “LOOK HOW MUCH I’M HAVING AN AMAZING TIME WITHOUT YOU”. or beg. you need to show him that. You don’t have to show all of them every single time. or try too hard to make him feel jealous and angry. This is the first crucial step of communication in getting your ex back. Resilience or Strength?” This is going to keep you on track so that you avoid the common pitfalls of the woman who attempts to make him feel guilty.42 M at t h e w H u s s e y This text is just one example of how you can show all three primary emotions in a single text. This isn’t about pretending to be happy – it’s about you showing him that you’re doing everything in your power to make the best of the situation you’re in. This is a golden combination that’s going to make him see you in a positive light. but you’re also telling him that you are someone who is rising up again. but rather. Still be humble and choose kindness instead of being overly cheery. It will drive him crazy when he calls up the guys to get the gossip on what you’re doing and they tell him that you’re doing great without him! But once again. you just want to maintain that aura of positivity around you. You probably hung out with his friends and have a few as Facebook friends. you must respond very positively and upbeat. And you’re best strategy is not to even mention your ex at all. Under NO circumstances should you even MENTION your ex. unaffected or a false way. Believe me. If his friend asks how you are. So to his friends. you became a part of his social world. So what if after the break-up one of these friends gets in touch? If this happens. she’s moving on with her life and not talking about me. Be upbeat and kind. This will make him WANT to be back in your head and provoke him to make contact again. When this gets relayed back to your ex. just say “great thanks” and tell him about somewhere interesting you’re going tonight. or sound excited about a trip you’re planning. Bottom line: What you say to his friends will get back to him. M at t h e w H u s s e y 43 What If His Friends Start Getting In Touch With You? Chances are when you and your ex were dating. anything you say to his best friends right now will be passed back to him. and choose not to share your painful feelings with them. he’ll think: Hold on. you don’t want to come across as insincere or arrogant to his friends. . especially once they tell him they’ve spoke to you and he asks: “How is she?” (which he will!). you have to talk like everything in your life is going great. even if you know for certain that you want to be back with him. For now. Since Facebook is so informal. nor does it mean that you suddenly blindside him with an intense conversation about how you want to get back together. you are not going to even mention a whisper that the thought has crossed your mind.44 M at t h e w H u s s e y Ways To Initiate Contact With Your Ex (After the ‘No Contact Period’) So. Perhaps . But what should you talk about? The risky thing to do is to look at his profile for conversation ideas (providing you’re still Facebook friends that is). Re-opening dialogue with your ex doesn’t mean that you jump straight back into the dynamic you had when the relationship ended. You accept the decision that has been made and are now starting over. The danger is that you may end up seeing something you don’t want to see. But it’s still crucial at this stage that you approach this in EXACTLY the right way and don’t do anything rash. what if your ex hasn’t got in touch during that 21-day ‘No Contact Period’? Now you have to start taking matters into your own hands. it’s an easy way to message someone without appearing too desperate. Your first step to bringing him back into your life starts with making first contact. And you have a few options for getting in touch: Option A: Facebook The first option is to get in touch by Facebook or some other form of social media. } So that’s one easy way of re-initiating contact in a non-needy way. “Just wanted to say “Congratulations on your promotion!” is a message that will suffice to reopen the dialogue. don’t refer to the moment last Saturday when you walked past the park bench where you first said “I love you” to one another. {Note: I always avoid questions where possible when you are trying to appear casual and laid back. Your imagination will make it bigger than it is. it’s likely he’ll back off before it’s started. Stay away from anything too sentimental or deep For example. If he feels too much pressure or deep emotion and sees that the risk of engaging with you may be too high. try to think of something that happened recently that reminded you of him. However. That takes you to a waayyy too emotional place very quickly. M at t h e w H u s s e y 45 other women are posting on his wall. Rather than look at his profile for new information. I prefer a slightly different approach. . Whether or not there are any new people in his photo albums is irrelevant. But if you find out he just got a promotion this can be useful information to use as an excuse to get back in touch. maybe there are pictures of him at a party with strangers and it’s going to send your mind into a frenzy of worry and obsession. But there are some principles for getting this right: 1. Questions often have a way of communicating too much of a need for a response from your side. which is not only cute. Show a nonchalant confidence If you wanted to be slightly more cute and flirtatious. which you don’t want to communicate. and tread on eggshells the whole time. and completely bypasses the taboo of the two of you being broken up. because the latter shows he is on your mind a lot right now. It could be that you are watching the movie Dumb and Dumber which you used to quote to each other all the time. You could send a message saying “Oh my god Dumb and Dumber is on TV. Where are you! lol” The subtle suggestion is that he should be there watching it with you. 3. You are also doing the opposite of what he would expect. The image of the two of you just watching a funny movie together instead of having some ‘big talk’ immediately relieves the pressure of the situation. but confident. Most people act so tense after breakups. They make a big deal out of contacting each other. as though you were just sharing a funny thought you had at that second and dashed off a message without much thought. so this acts as a way to defy his expectations . an extension of this message would be “Dumb and Dumber is on TV. seeing each other. it just made me think of you!” It’s better to be in the moment with this rather than telling him about the movie being on TV two days ago.46 M at t h e w H u s s e y 2. Look for something fun and ‘in the moment’ Your message needs to sound spontaneous and light. I just want to say right now that I’m sorry…” Remember to always be aware of the context of where you are in your breakup. Generally speaking the more time that passes the easier it is to be lighthearted in your communication with someone. You could do the same thing by talking about where you are and what it reminded you of. . When feelings are still hurt it can be tough to communicate. coffee in hand you could message him saying “I just sat down to work in Starbucks and thought about how angry you’d be about this latte I’m drinking right now. which was also something you would playfully argue about.Look for the next thing that happens to you that reminds you of him. So here’s the plan: 1st . All you want to do to begin with is re-open communication in a light-hearted way. You find yourself in Starbucks one day ordering a latte…when you sit down to your computer to get some work done. no. Though it should be said that a sweet message like the Dumb and Dumber example above could still be mentioned when emotions are raw. M at t h e w H u s s e y 47 (which is only a good thing right now). Before you ask. It gives him a license to be casual in response and not overthink things. You just might adapt it to make it a little more sweet: “Dumb and Dumber just came on tv and it made me think of you”. this is just a fun way to get back in contact. Let’s say he was a complete snob about having good coffee and refused to buy coffee in Starbucks. this isn’t a date you are setting up (yet). But that should never be your starting point. do not get anxious and start pulling the trigger on more messages. He’s not leaving planet earth tomorrow. low investment strategy (The LR-LI Strategy). think of what would make him smile or laugh if you sent it. keep it very short (this is important).Send a casual one or two sentence message on Facebook. and avoid question marks.48 M at t h e w H u s s e y 2nd . never too little. You never know how often someone is checking their messages. If he doesn’t respond and later you want to pour your heart and soul into a message to him.e. There’s no need to rush anything. . Your trick with messaging him at this stage (i. because of the potential havoc and destruction it will cause). so you don’t want him to come back after a week to find three messages sitting there from you because you jumped the gun. after the NO CONTACT period) should follow what I call the Goldilocks Method of contact: Never too much. If he doesn’t respond within a few hours. Do not start texting every single day or you’ll fail to make him curious about where you are. As I said. Give it a good week or so before thinking about whether and when to do anything else. It’s also the case that a lot of people look at messages and vow to come back to them at a later point. If you need motivation. Avoid the temptation to start pouring all of your heavy emotions into the message. what you’re up to. you will never lose that option (also known as “Going Nuclear”. Remember: The best first move for getting your ex back is always a low risk. or even a few days. Of course. The aim here should just be to remind him of how much fun you have talking. allow the conversation to continue without feeling the need to state your intention of seeing him again. So you could mention that you went on your first hiking trip recently. There is no need to rush this part of the process. You’re staying in his head. either through Facebook or text message. You are always being sparing in your messages. Once he messages back. but you are not entirely breaking contact. Low Investment message). Option B: Text Message You can of course opt for text message over Facebook. NEVER write back until he messages again (unless he doesn’t message for TWO WEEKS. Examples of what you can talk about – Mention one of your new hobbies . banter with him. be playful. but it’s still casual enough. M at t h e w H u s s e y 49 Once you’ve sent him your initial ‘get back in touch’ text. but without him getting sick of hearing from you after the break up. Let the jokes play out.The best conversations you can have when you re-initiate contact are ones that keep him guessing and make him feel like LESS a part of your life anymore. in which case you send another Low Risk. or that you’ve been going with a . or that you tried a kickboxing class. It makes him curious and gets him wanting to know more. It’s a little more intimate and therefore shows slightly more investment on your part. any of the previous suggestions regarding what to say on Facebook also apply for text messages. Be silly. “I just finished the new Jonathan Franzen book. If you both love books. – Talk about a book you’re reading . (See the bonus “Back To Life” guide to look at how you’re going to build a whole new awesome lifestyle during the No-Contact Period that you can come and talk to him about). Or maybe you met with someone for advice on starting a website or your own business and you mention how excited you are to be working on it. All these are perfect because they make him see new and unexpected dimensions of your personality. – Talk about how excited you are in your career (and mention your plans for the future) Another great topic is discuss the future. talking about and sharing these things in a fun way is much more likely to get you both enjoying the conversation.50 M at t h e w H u s s e y friend to paint and learn about art. namely. Maybe tell him you’d love to move somewhere just to try a new city. Or say that you just found this incredible new opportunity online and you’ve started an application. because they start the conversation on totally neutral ground without calling to mind your relationship and break up. films or music. – Mention friends you’ve been hanging out with . which is incredibly attractive. I thought it was incredible.e. how many exciting plans you have coming up and ideas for what you want to do next. You’ve got to get it!” Recommendations are also a great way to re-initiate. This lets him see that you are progressing in your life.g. He needs to feel like things are casual between the two of you and that the dust has settled after the breakup. If you invite him out on the first conversation it seems like you haven’t even tried to move . which you certainly don’t want to be having by text or Facebook. Eventually in one of your conversations. resist the urge to get too deep. It’s great at this point for him to hear you are active and doing exciting things for your own pleasure. Maybe you finally went to that museum you kept talking about. – Talk about a fun day you spent recently in an interesting place Maybe you went to the beach and had a blast. Now. you want to look for a moment where the fun you are having together peaks and while you’re both in that happy state. Tell him about how much fun it was and what you got up to. because it keeps him guessing about where you’ve been and what you are doing. Or you took a weekend trip with your family. with all these conversations. or to ask him about his current emotional situation. Don’t jump the gun and sound too eager or it may turn him away. it’s no bad thing if he assumes you’re hanging out with a new crowd and wonders who else they are introducing you to. While you should never try to actively make him jealous. Even just breaking the fun vibe by asking him “So how are you feeling?” brings it to a more serious place which can lead to uncomfortable discussions. say: “We have to catch up properly sometime!” You don’t say this in your first interaction though! Make sure you’ve had a few small chats here and there before you even think of suggesting a meet up. M at t h e w H u s s e y 51 It can be very powerful to mention new people in your life. You can always send him a message in a few months as one last try to see what happens. How Much Should You Keep Talking Before Meeting Up? Remember. No follow up questions. and move on with your life. Once you have completed the No-Contact period and followed the Break-Up Recovery Guide (i. If you haven’t watched it. and he’ll wonder if you even realised the two of you are broken up. carry on recovering on your own. You are going to feel you are doing this from a position of valuing yourself. instead of just desperation. If your ex wants to get back in touch.e. That is not what you’re doing. This might sound like extremely difficult right now. If he doesn’t reply at all.52 M at t h e w H u s s e y on at all. So. he will respond to the message eventually. any sign you are trying to rush things and get him back is going to make him feel that he’s still being chased and that you are only pretending to have let go of the relationship in order to get him back. But do not ever rush things by sending him multiple messages and repeating the same attempt to no avail. The ‘Back To Life’ bonus accompanying this programme). Or he’ll just message you eventually. you are going to feel very differently in your approach to this. But save that for later. keep going with No-Contact. but honestly your best move after that is to leave it entirely. . Just wait for his reply. Maybe you messaged him on Facebook saying “I just saw Mad Max at the cinema. go see it! You’d love it.” Then just leave that message with him. perhaps let’s say the first time you got back in touch you just recommended him a movie. he simply won’t want to get back together. that unless he sees you as a totally different person. etc. In that case. That’s the worst case scenario. So let’s imagine a typical conversation: Him: “Hey! How’s it going? Just wanted to see what’s happening in your life?” You: “Hey. Chances are he’s just checking in and is curious to know everything about . What’s more likely though is that your ex still misses you and will get back in touch to an initial text (or he’ll text you at some point. So the conversation might go on: Him: “That sounds awesome. M at t h e w H u s s e y 53 It’s always possible that your ex was 100% certain in his decision. I just was at an art workshop.) Perhaps your first conversation will feel a little bit like this. Let him do more of the questions so you can find out if this is general chit-chat or something more. Keep it short right now and gauge where he’s going in the conversation. I’ve just been working a lot. What’s been going on at work lately?” Her: “Well. which also happens a lot). i’m planning this new project which I’m really excited about because…(etc. moving on is still your best bet so that you don’t waste anymore time with this guy. So much fun!” With this first response notice that you don’t need to ask any questions back. Such a cool place!”.e. just be friendly and polite. such as the Cute Spontaneous Reminder Text (see more detail on this in the “What To Text Your Ex” bonus in this programme). How you respond to this depends on how he proposes this meeting. Or perhaps you went to a reading by his favourite author. in which you tell him something funny you saw or somewhere amazing you went that he would have loved. saying things like “I miss you” or “I’ve missed hearing your voice”). or saw a great concert. This text might be something like: “Remember when we had that silly arm wrestling contest and we broke all the dinner plates on the table? I just found another chunk of plate under my couch!”. If he does (a) and just says goodbye. For example. or (b) get more emotionally serious (i.54 M at t h e w H u s s e y your world right now. since this does not necessarily . if he loves Jazz you could say: “I just saw a live jazz band playing Miles Davis and Chet Baker songs. If he goes in very deep. let it go for now and carry on as you were before. or visited a place you both talked about. Don’t feel the need to talk too much and give away a lot at this point. He may do one of two things. Then in about 5-7 days you can send another message. Or you can send him a Missed Opportunity Text. by saying: “I really think we should talk” you should respond somewhat cautiously. He might either (a) excuse himself and say goodbye. After a few conversations (assuming you have first completed No-Contact and cutt off your ex for a while first). you may just find that your ex may suggest meeting up. Any of these can be used at this point in a message (only one short message though!). M at t h e w H u s s e y 55 mean he wants to get back with you. and maybe will just joke around via text a couple of times. This is going to feel very counter-intuitive. if our timings match we can grab a coffee”.” However. in which case you should just say: “Well. it’s been difficult not seeing you. If the mood is very light. you can always say: “I’m in your part of town Friday. I’d like to meet too. He may then say he wants to meet and discuss the relationship. but I also know that I need to move on from this relationship and this may just hurt both of us more. Or if he says “Can we meet to talk?”. . but letting him know here that you have boundaries and don’t want to be messed around is crucial to showing your value. But if he just replies to your message by saying “I’m not sure what I want…” then be careful: it probably means he misses you but isn’t sold on getting back together right now. and he suggests meeting up in a casual way ONLY see him if it’s something that’s very convenient for you. If you want to talk about something serious like our relationship then we can discuss that together. When he suggests meeting up. let me know when you’re more clear about what you want and we can always talk then. Simply reply by asking “What do you want to talk about?”. in which case. but if you don’t know what you want and you just want to hang out then I think it’s best we don’t spend too much time together”. you can respond: “Look. and if you jump at it too quickly you won’t show him that you have boundaries. there’s also the chance that you and your ex will talk very light-heartedly. arrange a time to get together soon. If he NEVER once suggests meeting up. He can always text you later or call if he wanted to talk more and hang out privately.g. This works well if you’ve been teasing him in your messages. but make it sound very casual and if possible link it up with another social event: e. These work well only as long as you have left enough distance and time for your ex to not feel that this is a ploy on your part to win him back. Be friendly.56 M at t h e w H u s s e y If you want to make this message more interesting simple additions will do this. but spend most of the night with other friends and leave on your own terms. we should grab a coffee so I can keep making fun of you”. Or: “We should grab a coffee and geek out on the movies we’ve been watching”. There may be other scenarios in which you see your ex at a party or a birthday of a mutual friend. you can JUST ONCE propose the idea of meeting. it gives purpose to your meeting and distracts emotions away from the feelings of awkwardness which might arise from the notion of seeing each other again. treat that event as one where you are still keeping some distance with your ex. geeking out on movies together) no matter how tenuous it is. That’s why you also need to make it sound as casual and non-committal as possible (and DO NOT do it at either of your houses – make sure it’s somewhere neutral and innocuous like a coffee place near your work). “I’m going to a . For example “I’m in your part of town on Friday. but do not use it as an excuse to reconnect and spend lots of time talking one-on-one with him. If you give a reason for meeting up (teasing him. in which case. Be nice and say hi. a nice one to use if you are both movie buffs. It just happens to be a casual way you can meet for conversation. This can lead into a longer conversation of course. the highest-risk strategy for reconnecting with your ex is the phone call. the same rules apply that have just been mentioned. or becoming emotional at the very sound of his voice? If the answer is no. The best way to be casual is to call him when you’re walking down the street. leave the phone for now. or joining you for a drink before you go and meet up with friends one night. M at t h e w H u s s e y 57 house party on Tuesday.” Notice how you’re still leaving it in his court to actually pick up the ball and run with it by asking to see you. Option C: The Phone Call If Facebook is low risk. It’s merely a suggestion he can decide whether to not to take you up on. let me know if you fancy getting a coffee after work that day before I go home and get changed. as if you called him while you were on your way to somewhere else. Can you call him without becoming upset. But don’t worry if it doesn’t lead to a meeting on the call. Of course there’s no need to make the meeting about coffee. If you do call him out of the blue. and texting is in the middle. You can always text him to catch-up in person after the call as if it were an afterthought. and you haven’t put yourself on the line by having to actually pose it as a question. The important . The easiest thing to do is to call him and tell him about something you are doing right now that playfully reminded you of him. This very much relies on your ability to be fun and casual over the phone. crying. It could just as easily be about him having to see some new artwork you’ve created which you wanted him to see. Make it a ‘walking’ date. [Side note: This is NOT a walk down memory lane]. It will actually make him want to text you that night. Where to go to meet him…. Beware however of having it last the entire day. It may be that you have somewhere to be afterwards. It also allows for a little tactility. or even a new activity or hobby that you are enjoying.perhaps you’ll even be in work clothes . This is just a fun way for you to have an experience that is more dynamic than simply sitting across from each other the . Coffee in the middle of the day . but an informal setting for a short amount of time.This is great because you have an excuse to look amazing. Drinks before you go out with friends . meet him during a break in a break. Grab a juice or a coffee .It’s casual. and then he imagines you going out and all these people hitting on you. which you can conveniently cancel if you find you are both engrossed in conversation and want it to last longer.and create a new image of yourself for him. This is an especially good date if you can make it outside on a sunny day. The key with this date is to build intrigue and desire.or an ice cream! – and go sit in a park somewhere. depending on your body language (see my later notes on affection and body language) and it can be as long or as short as you want it to be. not rebuild the entire relationship in a day. It also makes you look non- desperate because you are squeezing him in before something else.58 M at t h e w H u s s e y part is that you are not arranging a three-hour meet. In a lunch break of your new job . It will give you the chance to show a different side of yourself . it’s non-formal. smell great.If you have a new job. Simply pick a spot to start from and suggest walking around. repeating this will feel like you are trying to revisit the past. It reveals too much about where you are at in your life. This should be an opportunity for him to see you in a fresh light. If the two of you always used to go to a certain favorite restaurant and then see a movie. That doesn’t mean doing something extreme like paintballing. You want to avoid that temptation and sexual tension altogether. If you sleep together right now. M at t h e w H u s s e y 59 entire time. It needs to be ambiguous as to whether you are still interested or not at this stage. *One last thing* . or even you. In fact. Right now. and being in a scenario which may lead to you both sleeping together is going to be too much too soon. You’re likely to find that conversation will flow more freely and it’ll help eliminate the nerves you feel in the beginning to be distracted by your surroundings. the experience shouldn’t be anything that gives the impression of having put too much effort or thought into it. you’re going for an Intimacy- Limitation Strategy. Being drunk is a bad idea at this stage. it’s possible that he.A Word On Intimacy-Limitation Under absolutely no circumstances should the meetup take place at either of your homes and certainly not late at night. Warning! Avoid doing something that harkens back to what you would have done with him in ‘the good ol’ days’. Not to mention that having him back to your house at this stage would be too personal. and the whole point of this new first encounter is to maintain a sense of mystery and distance. This also means no grand gestures. . Nothing that says this is an orchestrated event where you have tried to be romantic. are going to wake up confused and filled with regret as soon as it’s over. get in touch via Facebook. • The ONLY contact you can make is via a Goodbye Letter. which you should send 4-5 days after the break up . make sure you respond with STRENGTH.do not post anything referring to the relationship. “I saw you finally went to that Japanese place on the high street. HOW incredible are their dumplings? Hope you’re well x”) • Arrange a casual meet-up where you can just hang out. • Intimacy Limitation .Let him see you are making the best of the situation. • After the No Contact Period.no desperate phone calls. no begging for him back. Make a casual comment via text or social media (light. HUMILITY. • If your ex is the one who makes contact with you. or on the phone. • Do not go into Victim Mode .Maintain a sense of mystery and distance right now . • Treat all social media like a company brand . Do not text him repeatedly and keep conversations short when he makes contact. (picture of you at Farmer’s Market in a summer dress).60 M at t h e w H u s s e y Summary of Step 1 • Have a No Contact Period .e. positive e.keep it short and positive and say goodbye to let him know you’ve accepted his decision.do not initiate any communication with your ex for 21 days. Keep it classy i. and RESILIENCE .no sex or inviting him over to your home.g. no trying to convince him or guilt him to taking you back by saying how much you need him. . text. and don’t post pictures that attempt to make your ex jealous. • Go for a LR-LI Strategy (low-risk. Do NOT say you want to meet to discuss the relationship or anything deep (unless he specifically has asked for the meet up to talk about the relationship and getting back together). low-investment strategy). into happiness’.Being The Girl He Doesn’t Recognize Anymore One of the most important mantras I say on my GettheGuy seminars is that. What you don’t want to do is just get your ex back for one night. M at t h e w H u s s e y 61 STEP 2 - Make Your Life Irresistible To Him Now that you know how to start making contact with your ex again. dissatisfied and lonely. I’ve always said that we don’t come to relationships to create an extraordinary existence. So now is your time to take care of yourself and work on aspects of your own life so that you have an Aura of Incredible Positivity and satisfaction when you meet up with your ex again. or for a short-term fling that falls apart again when the same issues crop up. . it’s important that you also know how you’re going to build your own confidence. This is a CRUCIAL step towards making your ex see you as someone he could be with in the long-term. The Art Of The Unfamiliar . and bringing her into a fulfilled relationship. ‘men want to pluck you out of happiness. He wants to feel like you are able to get your needs met by yourself with or without a relationship. we come to them to share one with someone else. In other words. a guy doesn’t want to feel like he is taking someone who is miserable. not sleeping in. like taking care of your body. more desirable person to any man. and proceed to laze around the house. And what you do during this ‘away time’ matters a great deal. Now is your perfect chance to start creating that extraordinary life that will make you a happier. For the practical tools on how to do this. he’s going to notice that you are thriving. That’s why we’re now going to re-build and bring you back even stronger than before! When your ex sees that you are making positive changes in your life. it’s essential for you to read my brother Stephen’s accompanying e-book (‘Back to Life: How to Recover From a Breakup Fast’) in this programme. drag yourself around the house in your pyjamas all day. and he’s going to feel that the first time you actually see him after the break-up. getting out in the world. aimlessly flicking through TV channels and . more satisfied. The Hangover Model refers to what you would usually do to restore yourself after a night of drinking. You’ll sleep in late.62 M at t h e w H u s s e y For this period during the break-up. making friends and keeping up with your career and passions. most of your time is going to spent away from your ex’s company. Athlete Model Of Break-up Recovery This is something you’re going to read more about in Stephen’s bonus e-book mentioned above. but right now I want to make it clear in case you haven’t read it: There is a Hangover Model to Recovery and there is an Athlete Model of Recovery after a break-up. a break-up can shatter your ego and leave you feeling bereft and mentally isolated from your old self. which is going to give you all the practical strategies for taking control of your world and feeling confident again. Even if you are a strong person. The Hangover Model vs. not just physically but in all sorts of ways. Break-ups provide you with an incredible new block of time which didn’t exist previously. I want you to be feeling good and making progress now. . allowing weeks and even months to fall off the calendar before you finally scream “Enough!” and despairingly try to claw your way back out again. I don’t want to sound like a drill sergeant. M at t h e w H u s s e y 63 ordering pizza. I don’t want you to be in despair. If Domino’s pizza and chugging full. the sooner things are going to improve and you’re going to be in a place where you can surprise your ex again. So what we’re going to be using is the Athlete Model Of Recovery. The sooner you start. Break-ups put you through the emotional wringer. who am I to judge? I’m not judging. I get it.fat coke in front of a Game Of Thrones marathon is your way to do that. but I will say you need to keep this moping period as short as possible. a black hole that sucks you in and has you meandering through the dark. if you’re not careful. Like. 24 hours short. but now is the time for you to be moving and improving. You have a golden opportunity right now to get back on the treadmill and really spend time on yourself in a proactive way which many people rarely give themselves. vowing to yourself to do something useful with your time tomorrow. Now. The Athlete Model of recovery refers to the way sports stars gain full health after suffering from an injury. You feel like you need a good slice of indulgence right now to get you back to equanimity. this time can become a void. They don’t simply sit back. ways that are productive. he’s missing the connection and intimacy of a relationship. It’s the period of time when he’s technically single. ways that make you fulfilled. he’s realizing what he has lost. During this Lag Period.they resume their healthy regime and stick to a nutrition and recovery plan to build up their strength again. Any encounters he has with other women don’t live up to what he had with you. See.64 M at t h e w H u s s e y lie in a bed for three months and wait to heal. but he’s still a wounded soldier who’s not enjoying the benefits of being single yet. It’s about choosing to spend your time in ways that inspire you. This is the crucial window of time that starts the moment he broke up with you and ends the moment he moves on. He’s missing you. adventurous. and move your life away from all the negative feelings he might have had towards you and the relationship. And isn’t just about exercise. Why You Need To Do This Now! I really need to stress that you have no time to sit around and decide when to do this. They ease back into training . Meeting other women is probably depressing for him right now. This is where you’re going to be coming from during the time you’re not seeing your ex. you have the golden opportunity to start afresh. It’s about grabbing control back and taking your entire life into your hands again. your ex is going to be going through what we call the ‘Lag Period’. right now. And during this window that sense of loss is not yet compensated by this fun. and even if he thought the break-up was the right decision. It’s about spending time with people who give you energy rather than drain it. single life he imagined for himself. . M at t h e w H u s s e y 65 If you now seem more positive, fun and energetic than ever, he’s going to start wondering who he let go, and why he’s not in a relationship with you anymore. Alternatively, if you seem to be moping around the house and feeling sorry for yourself at this point, calling him and telling him how lonely you are and how much you need him, he’s going to think to himself: “Well, at least I’m not back in that situation anymore!”. When you build back up and rise like a phoenix from the ashes, your ex is going to go from thinking: “Thank god I’m out of a relationship” to suddenly worrying “Have I done something stupid by letting her go?” You growing now gives him something to keep up with, and raises your Perceived Challenge and therefore spikes his attraction (See our earlier Attraction Formula on this). If you’re guy loved you, chances are in this LAG period, or at SOME point, he is going to have a weak moment, a moment in which he questions whether it was right to end the relationship and he’ll start to yearn to hear your voice again and know how you’re doing. Sometimes he’ll call just because he’s curious and wants to know if you’re moving on. The best thing you can do when he calls is to be getting on with your life and thriving. This stokes his NUMBER ONE fear in the lag period, which is the idea that you might get over him! The Moving Train Mindset - Your Confident New Mindset That Makes Him Chase You Again I want you to picture a man sat alone at a train station. He looks up from his newspaper, and sees that his train has just pulled up to the platform. He is about to walk to one of the carriages, when he 66 M at t h e w H u s s e y notices suddenly there is no departure time on the notice board. It simply reads: “Delayed Indefinitely. Please Stand By”. He realises that this train is going to wait right where it is, pulled up just next to him with the doors open. It could be there for hours, it could be all day. Suddenly it dawns on him that it hardly matters at all whether he gets on this train or not - he could leave now and wander about town, only to return later on and find the train patiently waiting, just as he left it. So he wanders off. He stretches his legs. He looks around to see what his other options might be. And now this train that he was once eager to be on board doesn’t seem so attractive. It seems like it will hover here forever waiting in place. Why should he ever bother getting on board? If you’ll forgive the extended metaphor, the train in the story is you, and the man wondering whether he should leave the platform and get on board is your ex. When your ex ended the relationship, he stepped out of the train. He’s decided to be on the platform wandering around alone. But what if that train was suddenly going somewhere exciting, somewhere new, somewhere he wants to travel to but has never seen that train drive to before? The ideal scenario for you right now is to start pulling your train out of the station. You don’t want your ex to feel like that train is going to stand still and then predictably cruise through the same old tracks he’s always seen it pass through. You want him to feel like that train is starting to pull away, and slowly but surely, each carriage is no longer becoming accessible as it pulls out of the station and M at t h e w H u s s e y 67 moves past the platform. If he’s not careful, he’ll have to run and sprint and leap to get back on the train again. The train may wait for him. It may not. But one thing is for certain: The Train Is Moving. This is how it should feel when you are building your new life. A great example of how you can display this Moving Train Mentality is when your ex calls you. Maybe he has called your phone a few times or has sent a few messages and you couldn’t get back to him because you were out with your friend trying that new ice cream place in town. You get back to him with a casual: “Hey, what’s up? Saw you called.” This is the confident but casual attitude that makes your ex see you are moving on with things. Then when he asks you where you’ve been, it’s going to sound unfamiliar, new, intriguing. Hey, maybe you’ve also started an application for a job today, or sent your polished article out to a couple of editors for feedback. Maybe you’re out running circuits in the park with your friend, taking a hike or trying kickboxing classes. My point isn’t for you to start doing things at random - it’s to start doing things that make your ex see you in a new light. Anything which shows: (a) confidence, (b) self-belief, (c) growth, and (d) a sense of the unexpected (i.e. something that wouldn’t be predictable to him), is perfect for your new activity. When you follow this step (in conjunction with the stuff you learnt in Bonus No.1), you’re going to start living in a way that your ex will notice when you next see him and completely turn his expectations. Before we delve into the next step, let’s briefly recap: • Begin the process of getting your needs met outside the relationship (read Stephen’s free e-book as a bonus included in this programme. self-belief. • Adopt the Moving Train Mindset .i. • Seek out activities which show you are embracing confidence. titled ‘Back to Life: How to Recover From a Breakup Fast’ for more on how to do this). • Adopt the Athlete Recovery Model for recovery.e. • Do this now to make the most of your ex’s ‘Lag Period’. not the Hangover Model. (don’t hang around waiting for your ex to get back on board! You won’t get him back by standing still). .68 M at t h e w H u s s e y Summary of Step 2 • Start building your life again. growth and a sense of the unexpected. once you’ve re-established contact with your ex (using the techniques and attitude outlined earlier in this guide). You might think that this makes it difficult to change his impression of you. M at t h e w H u s s e y 69 STEP 3 - Blow Him Away With Your NEW First Impression The idea that you only get one chance at a first impression may be true. His long held ideas about you can be challenged with the subtlest shift. which becomes all the more profound because it doesn’t fit with what he thinks he knows about you on a deep level. But it is not true to say that you can’t change someone’s initial impression of you in the second attempt. This may be true. This is just hanging out for a while with no implication that this meeting is about either (a) getting back together. and what you believe. what you look like. but it’s also what makes the subtlest of changes so powerful now. Clearly the guy you had a relationship with doesn’t just have a first or a second impression of you. what you love. this is a casual meet-up. he has formed an entire picture of who you are. As previously mentioned in Step 1. But remember. Now how are you going to change his impression of you? You’re going to go on a date. what drives you. you need to find a chance to be alone with your ex. (b) having ‘deep and meaningful’ talks . but a stylist to some of the biggest stars in the world. This is not an easy man to get access to.70 M at t h e w H u s s e y about the relationship. It’s important he sees you with fresh eyes. More on this to come. Now you’ve arranged a chance to make a new first impression. Daniel Musto. as Daniel is one of the most sought-after image gurus in the business. my fashion expertise. I’ve take this opportunity to bring you something a little special. But first things first…. you’re going to be in a position to show your ex a whole different side to yourself. especially as it regards women. So all you’re going to do is finish any regular conversation with your ex by saying “we should hang out this week!” or “I’m gonna try that new coffee/ice cream/bookstore this week if you wanna come check it out!”. As qualified as I am on dating advice. So I’ve brought you a gentleman who is not only my personal stylist. and you’ve worked on Making Your Life Irresistable (see Step 2). We all know image is important. Just click on the video titled “Irresistible You” and you’ll be able to watch Daniel’s tips now! He is going to be taking you through outfits and styles that will make your ex look at you like it’s the first time he’s ever seen you. so I’m delighted to be able to have been able to pull some strings and have Daniel provide a video for you sharing some of his best secrets just for you. or (c) discussing how you are both dealing with moving on past the break up. is rather more lacking.what are you going to wear?! Part of creating a new first impression is your image.e. And since this is your opportunity to make a fresh impression on your ex. you adhered to a No Contact period (see Step 1). If you’ve followed the preceding steps i. You can find Daniel’s video in the members area I’ve created to accompany this programme. because it will also set . In addition to what Daniel will be telling you I also want to add a brief note on smell. which is responsible for the perception of odors. Either (a) wear a brand new scent that you know guys love. It will be much easier to convince him of deeper level changes if he sees a new you on the surface. There are pros and cons to both. also known as ‘smell memory’. For the former. The olfactory bulb. your new scent will hit him and create new feelings. is part of the brain’s limbic system. which makes smells such a powerful gateway to memories and emotions. Your smell can call up memories and powerful emotional responses from him almost instantaneously. you appeal to all of the emotions he used to feel when he was with you. M at t h e w H u s s e y 71 the tone that things are not quite as he remembers. In fact. Get To His Heart Through His Nose It may seem like a minor thing. it can provide a powerful contrast to have the combination of a smell that is familiar . You can go one of two ways here. but make sure you smell good before you leave. That smell will be linked to the experience he is having with you in the present. If you have the advantage of already knowing what fragrance he loves. Your fragrance therefore can be a powerful way to go down memory lane without it appearing that are trying to. or (b) wear something you know he used to love when you wore it. There is such a thing as olfactory memory. But with the latter. go ahead and use it. The limbic system is often referred to as the “emotional brain” because it’s so closely associated with memory and feeling. Any ‘heavy conversations’ right now are pure. This rule is absolutely paramount. Remember: he’s probably going to be expecting some super- serious-solemn-long-and-emotional conversation about the state of the relationship right now. for that month or two after the . or because she’s needy and jealous. or because she was too controlling. either because they fight too much. You wouldn’t bring these things to a first date. so it bears repeating in full: Act with your ex as if it were your first date. you’ll just fire off neurons in his brain that tell him relationships are ‘heavy’ and ‘difficult’ and ‘draining’. But if you engage in that. On a first date. moaning. You certainly don’t want to arrive with any sense of drama in your life. Arriving in a great state of mind is key. with parts of your new look that are unfamiliar to him. when men break up with a girl. which is important for attraction with your ex. there is no drama. How To Act When You See Him On The Date Now that you’ve gotten ready the right way. You want your ex right now to associate nothing but good times and light-heartedness with being with you. You don’t come in and begin complaining about your boss at work. and you definitely don’t begin grilling a guy on his deepest emotions. or emotionally venting about how difficult things are right now. so don’t bring them to him just because you know him. See. distilled Kryptonite to your ex. let’s talk about the energy you have when you see him. First dates are about fun - it’s exactly the same here. In this we create the desired effect of simultaneous comfort and distance. or they feel frustrated.72 M at t h e w H u s s e y to him. You don’t want any of those words associated with you. or negativity. He knows you so he’s likely to sense any pretend version of in you trying to appear happy. Again. More in a kind of calmly positive way. This throws him off-balance. and as we already know. which is what you want right now. it’s much better to chat casually about new things you’ve been doing. I’m good. Without drama or difficulty! Dance through the golden meadow of careless. ideally something that sounds intriguing or different in your life. it is crucial that you don’t overload him with emotion and ‘working things through’. blindside him with just how relaxed and casual she can be. After you say this don’t elaborate further. or gives you a look and says “So how have you been?” Just respond with something brief like “Yea. Instead. Now there’s one big question you may be asking: “How affectionate should I be when I see him?” . if he asks you how things are.a tone that is positive but not trying-too-hard.”. single freedom!” Right now then. It’s not about being over-the-top happy. or it will come across as false (I call this tactic Going To Pleasantville. at this point. That’s a trap you don’t want to fall down. M at t h e w H u s s e y 73 break up his head is going to be telling him “Go! Be Free! Live your life without restraint. the more you’re going to have him wondering. it’s more about an authentic positivity which puts you in the role of being easy- going and relaxed. but not in a peppy-happy way like “I’m GOOD!!! :)”. Instead. . Now is not the time to dwell on feelings. The smart woman will instead. because it’s the woman who tries waayyy too hard to pretend everything is super-shiny perfect at all times). you don’t pretend you are joyful about the break-up. The less you say about how you’ve been. throwing him off balance is half the battle when it comes to attraction. No more than an extra second.74 M at t h e w H u s s e y Put simply. It’s also a cue that you still care too much. and give him long enough to take you in. but not overly-intimate. you do want to engage in just enough affection for him to feel your closeness and your warmth. part of your power is in letting him feel your presence without all the affection he used to get when he was in a relationship with you. What will throw him off his guard is if he can see you. There is something of the forbidden fruit about having an ex in front of you whom you can’t touch or kiss like you once could. Just enough so he feels enticed without seeming like you’re treating him like he’s still your boyfriend. but somewhere in between a quick awkward hug and a prolonged “I don’t want to let you go hug”. Remember. Show up and be ultra comfortable and hug him with a relaxed and carefree attitude. This is most easily done with a hug and kiss (on the cheek!) on arrival. It’s important to note that these reactions happen in his brain without his choosing. . emotions and feelings of attachment back. Familiar. That being said. you should not be all over your ex. Use this to your advantage. In fact. any hint of awkwardness is a distraction from the two of your just having fun together and enjoying each other’s company again. Don’t do this awkwardly. It should communicate the warmth of showing you are pleased to see him. Remember too what I mentioned about scent. When you do hug him. This is the ‘Sweet Spot’ of well calibrated physical contact. allow it to linger for a second. Your hug with him is a vital chance for him to smell that familiar scent and get all of those memories. You already have a connection with this person. use it. But this shouldn’t be immediate. but instead to sit next to each other on a first date – two examples would be to imagine sitting next to each other at a bar or outside on a park bench. In terms of your personal body language. Your ex is someone you have had deep rapport with in your relationship. so creating a little bit of a barrier to begin with won’t hurt. or a cute face you pull. and makes it more difficult to touch. In the case of getting your ex back. M at t h e w H u s s e y 75 Your body language when you meet him In my ‘Attract Any Man’ programme I talk about the importance of not sitting across each other at a table. You can of course find yourself getting closer as the date goes on. It also makes casual touch easier. And the fact that he can’t easily get close to you or touch you is something that will increase his desire and your value at the same time. knowing him has its benefits. The aim here is to create a little familiarity in order to eliminate awkwardness and allow for rapport to build more quickly. You already know what mannerisms he used to find cute or sexy when you did them. and even when it does should not be followed by increasing your intimacy with him. the advice differs slightly. . If he ever said he likes when you wrinkle your nose if you don’t like something. In the beginning the unfamiliarity that can be achieved by sitting across each other at a table can actually be helpful. More on this later. so this is your chance to use them. It breaks rapport a little. perhaps when you change locations for example you might end up sitting side by side. so to immediately go back there would prevent you from creating any sense of ‘Perceived Challenge’ (See Attraction Formula earlier). rather. A nice example of this would be to look away at times during the date so that you give him opportunities to look at you without being caught. Let’s revisit our attraction formula for a moment.76 M at t h e w H u s s e y There is a balance to be struck with your body language when you are sat with him. making us feel like we need to catch up with the person in order to play at their level. and the nerves are fun and flirtatious. or fidgety. Showing Your Growth Evidence of growth is powerful. Even the smallest changes in person we know can seem profound. When we see someone having made changes in their life it is inspiring. There’s a little tension. When you show a guy you have grown it again raises your ‘Perceived Challenge’ because now your ex realizes you have not stagnated. That’s not to say the other person didn’t have their own share of flaws. Let him take you in. At the same time. but we all know the aspects of our own personality we aren’t too proud of. It is also. If you’re looking for the right tone in your body language. and make someone new to us once again (think of a normally lazy family member who suddenly becomes health-conscious. We can all picture past relationships where we know there were things we didn’t do very well. don’t look so comfortable that you feel nothing in the situation. your train has left the station and he’d better grow at the same pace or be left behind. Don’t be closed off. think of natural first-date nerves when you’re with someone new. . dare I say a little intimidating at times to watch someone moving ahead. or a previously gloomy uncle who suddenly shows warmth and positivity). Let’s step outside of the realm of getting your ex back for a moment. I sat on the phone to her with gritted teeth. She replied to me in a tentative tone as a futile attempt to sugarcoat what she was about to say “Well…honestly…you were boring”. I knew the answer had the ability to begin a whole new insecurity for me that I might not have thought about before. only to find that there were even more to pick from had we known what people really thought about us at any given moment (though luckily. I always remember having a conversation with an ex of mine where I asked her honestly what had broken us up. I knew I was unlikely to be happy with the answer. you can spend your whole life focused on a small handful of self-accepted deficiencies. A tendency to over analyze every little thing. Or maybe it was even selfishness. Perhaps it was a lack of spontaneity. “What was it that didn’t work for you in our relationship? What did you grow tired of ?”. I asked her in a moment of pro-active vulnerability and with a desire to grow from the answer. but this was the first person to ever really break my heart. Maybe you didn’t bring enough excitement to the table. M at t h e w H u s s e y 77 Perhaps it was an over controlling nature. or jealousy that came through far too often during wrong moments. Being so wrapped up in your own needs and wants that you didn’t devote any time and energy to cater to his. Insecurity is a funny thing after all. I wouldn’t usually put myself through that particular form of torture. in fact. A lack of thoughtfulness. no part of your existence was separate from him. Maybe you’re lives were so entwined that you didn’t have one of your own anymore. doing my best to muster the courage to ask another probing question which might further grind . the same could be said for our strengths). A possessiveness. you were so busy with work. When I first met you your ambition was one of the sexiest things about you. and the whole relationship just lost its spontaneity. I couldn’t fault her logic. attraction is about keeping someone slightly off balance. the truth she uttered didn’t make her right for me. Of course. “Ok…what made me boring?”. . unpredictable. but the truth is every once in a while they have something to teach us about ourselves. Remember. It just became a gift she gave me to take with me to the next person. when it comes to getting your ex back. or the ones that we’ve convinced ourselves were the sole party in the wrong in the relationship. Did she not realize how many criticisms I had of her? But I resisted the childish response of listing my own grievances. but it ended up being the only thing there was”. When someone you are close to starts growing and developing in new ways it is by its very nature. So why am I telling you all of this? Well. I’ve said it before in this programme and I’ll say it again. part of attracting them again is to take them by surprise in the ways that you have grown. “Well. When she told me this I was of course taken aback. We often don’t want to agree with our exes. Besides. She had given me an interesting pathway for my own growth. just because someone was wrong FOR us it doesn’t mean there were not times when they were right ABOUT us. you never wanted to go out. you sat all day and night on your laptop or your phone. bruised and if I’m honest a little pissed. especially the ones that hurt us. You were so focused on what you were trying to achieve that it was like your ambition took over the relationship.78 M at t h e w H u s s e y salt into the wound. M at t h e w H u s s e y 79 One of the greatest ways to throw your ex off guard and have them wondering about you again is to show that certain negative qualities that you had before are not present now, or are even replaced by new strengths which he previously was completely unaware of. To revisit the example of my ex, let’s suppose I was back on a date with her, and I began describing a music festival I went to the week before. Just this one example would be suggestive of a different side to me than she had known. In her mind she might be thinking “Wait a minute, that’s not work related, that’s just fun related… does he do stuff just for fun these days? How curious.” It’s amazing just how suggestive one anecdote or example said aloud can be. What you want to do then is create a disconnect between what they think they know to be true about you, and what is actually true about you today. There’s an important distinction I should make here in the types of changes you should make. If he gets the impression that something you have altered in yourself has been done solely for the purposes of making him happy, it will send a message of desperation and reek of inauthenticity. If I genuinely didn’t think I was ‘boring’ in my previous relationship, trying to change it would have not only looked like a spineless attempt to win her back, it would have compromised who I am, (and I would probably have never stuck to my new fun identity for long). It only helped me because upon deeper reflection I know that she had pointed out something that I had partly suspected in myself and something that I know would continue to affect future relationships if I didn’t change it. Namely that I didn’t have enough balance in my life, and consequently had little variety in my schedule and little to talk about other than work. Boredom personified! (I wince thinking about myself at that stage now). 80 M at t h e w H u s s e y So it’s important that you agree with the change and have personal motivation for it. So allow me to say it again ONE MORE TIME: Do not make any change that you would not otherwise benefit from making were he not in your life. If you follow this rule, getting your ex back as a result of these changes will simply be a by-product of a bigger plan for your own self-growth, not the goal in-and-of itself. But note that this rule does not necessarily always hold when you are in a relationship. We all know that when we are with someone there are certain changes and compromises we make because it’s good for our partner, though it wouldn’t necessarily be something we would be doing if it weren’t for them. Certain sacrifices are part of committed relationships. But you are not in a relationship with your ex, you are separated, and therefore you are looking to show him how you have evolved as an individual since being with him. The rule of ‘show’ don’t ‘tell’ is a useful one here. You ideally want to display your new habits indirectly through the things you talk about or the kind of energy you have (for example, if he used to get annoyed at you complaining and being overly negative, you suddenly being calmly optimistic and relaxed will subtly communicate how that has changed). But sometimes it may be appropriate to tell him of the changes you’ve made, albeit in the subtlest possible way. For example, in a moment of premeditated and controlled vulnerability you may admit during conversation that something he said back when you were together had stuck with you and inspired a change in you today: “I always remember what you said to me about creating M at t h e w H u s s e y 81 my own life, and you were right. That’s something I’ve been really excited about doing over the last few months”. Notice that this is framed in a positive way of being something you have been excited to implement as a change, rather than something you have reluctantly accepted. It also communicates the message in a way that creates a challenge for him. He may have inspired the change, but it doesn’t alter the fact that the change itself has created more Perceived Value for you. It’s quite common in relationships for people to tell their partners of the things they want them to change, and then precisely when they realize they have made the change that was asked, feel threatened by the result. Ironically many of us are actually more content with complaining about something our partner does than facing the power disruption that happens when they respond by actually making it. Never forget that in any relationship your power doesn’t always come from being defiant, but more often it comes from responding to criticism by actually improving yourself. What could keep your partner more on their toes than that? Let’s take a few examples to illustrate this: 1. When he says “you are too controlling!” - You become MORE at peace and focus more on yourself rather than trying to control him. 2. When he grows tired of your jealousy - You decide to treat him with the utmost loyalty and you resolve simply to leave if he violates your standards rather than dominate every aspect of his behaviour. 3. When he says he feels bored in the bedroom - You decide to learn a few new tricks. you gain two powers: (1) You become the exception (since most people just react with coldness or anger when someone criticizes them). When you respond to such demands with genuine growth from your side.82 M at t h e w H u s s e y 4. what if you simply showed him? How might you do that? Well the very fact that you are in yoga clothes because you just came from a class tells him you have a new activity in your life. The fact that the three new friends you’ve made since you broke up are calling you while you are with him also sub- communicates that you have new connections which he is not a part of. and (2) You win in the long-term. When you respond to his idle chit-chat questions like “What you are up to this weekend?” by telling him how you are going hiking in . even those partners who were wrong for us can be right about something we need to work on). since you take on new habits and behaviours that make you better equipped for ANY relationship in the future (as I said before. it’s as though you are firing up the engines on your train and pulling out of the station. When he shows a desire to go out alone with his friends and have a good time . Then he has to run to catch up and get on! But let’s jump back to the previous example. Every act of independence on your part makes him feel like you’re pulling away. Each act of strength is pulling another carriage away. or he sees how are moving on from the relationship. Remember our Moving Train Mindset from Step 2? Well.You respond by encouraging it instead of trying to be a part of everything he does. every time you either show him your growth. Instead of telling him about your now rich and passionate life that is separate from him. The best revenge is living well. or feigned indifference.g. When you . and totally laid back. M at t h e w H u s s e y 83 the mountains with these new friends. we have to be careful of becoming too territorial over someone we aren’t actually in a relationship with. or at the very least. the most surprising thing you can do right now is adopt a Fonzie-like attitude: just be cool. Remember. If he always knew you to be the jealous type. The first thing he’ll probably expect from you is jealousy. fun. It will intrigue him more as he wonders why him being with other people doesn’t throw you. you are showing him you are not threatened. coldness. It will make you seem overly controlling and too invested. These are all examples of SHOW. fun. She’s so lovely. but totally unfazed. A quick word on jealousy: Some may argue that because this is your ex we’re talking about. As much as I agree that jealousy at this stage is an all-too-human feeling. that it’s a normal feeling to have. rather than having to expressly tell him that you are not the jealous type anymore. she’s such a cool person. not tell. Nice.”). you have a right to feel jealous. but when he mentions an attractive quality in another woman you remain unfazed now. “yea. rather than him seeing you get agitated at the thought of it. Perhaps you even show him a picture of the mountain you are climbing. or perhaps even reiterate the attractive quality in the woman in question (e. let’s go back to the idea of jealousy. For the purpose of another example. You have to be the opposite of those things. you show him you are now trying new activities and interests you didn’t pursue when you were with him. you just show him how much power he still has over you. I ought to stress that him thinking about the likelihood or possibility of you being on a date with another man right now is no bad thing. Throughout this document so far I have talked about never intentionally making your ex jealous. However. and rather than make you jealous. The Golden Rule should be applied throughout your encounter with your ex: “Treat others as one would like others to treat oneself ”. Though you can allude to men in your life who are friends. it is in no way wise or classy to mention a guy (or guys) you’ve been seeing or sleeping with. It goes without saying of course that you shouldn’t engage in the reverse of this. that’s you!) is starting to move on and see another guy. it should just be added to the pile of evidence which proves he’s not the sort of man you want in your life. You might be thinking: “But if he thinks that I could be going on dates with someone else.84 M at t h e w H u s s e y get emotional. won’t he think it’s all over??” No! He is a man. . you just have another sign of this person’s lack of class and empathy. But what if he throws it in your face? What if he makes a point of continuously bringing up other women that he is seeing romantically? If he does this. But at a push. and when he hears that the woman for whom he has a list of “Top 10 Best Erotic Sexual Moments” recorded in his head (yes. but do not refer to your interest in other men. and certainly not sexual encounters unless for some reason it cannot be avoided. you may refer to men you have been on dates with. M at t h e w H u s s e y 85 his ‘hunter’ switch is going to flip and he’ll immediately think he’s made a mistake about letting you go. Men are possessive about women they love, and the hint that you are starting to move on will spring him into action. So while you never want to brag about some romantic encounter you recently had with another man, don’t be afraid to vaguely refer to the fact that you are thinking about dating, and that though people have asked you out you are taking it slowly right now (Men respond better to the threat of competition than to competition itself ). So don’t say: “Yes, I have been dating other men”. Just be VERY unspecific and don’t tell him ANY detail, but say that guys have asked you out and that you’re taking it slowly. It will drive him nuts and make him think about you even more. {Note: This is NOT about you trying to make him jealous, it’s about letting him know that you are moving on and can easily fall for another guy if he stalls for too long}. Can’t You Just Fake It? You may be reading this wondering whether I am suggesting you simply manipulate your words and actions to make it look like things have all changed when in fact they have not. To make it seem like deep insecurities you had when you are with him are no longer present in you, only to later reappear in your relationship. I am not. These changes have to be real, and insecurities, bad habits and negative patterns in relationships don’t go away over night without any effort. For many people they take years to make, if they ever change them. It is precisely for this reason that it’s nearly impossible to trust a someone we’ve just tried to break up with when they come running 86 M at t h e w H u s s e y back with tears in their eyes telling us they’ve changed and they now know what they need to do. There is a big difference between knowing what one needs to do and being able to do it. You’ll see this in movies. The guy doesn’t suddenly get back with the woman the first time she asks. He walks away, unsure of whether he can revisit that relationship. She cries at home, begins to feel a feeling of frustration and futility, and begins to accept the idea that it may never happen. With the acceptance comes a sense of calm, and she has a real shot at building her new life now that she’s not desperately clinging onto the result. She begins to make changes over the next couple of months, and when he sees her again, he sees all the changes she’s made, along with a sense of calm that he didn’t see before. Her value rises, as does her Perceived Challenge, and he has the sense that the changes are real because they aren’t motivated by the agenda of getting back together, but by real progress. I hope you are beginning to see a theme here. The only way to improve your love life, either by getting your ex back or by getting someone new is by sustainable and measurable improvements in the quality of your life. You may not yet know how to truly rid yourself of previous insecurities. It’s all very well to say ‘I don’t want to have my jealous insecure streak any more’, or ‘I don’t want to fear him leaving me every time we are not perfect’, but the reality of eradicating these long held fears and insecurities seems impossible. I’ll say this now, if you really want deep level change to deal with your deepest insecurities so that you have unstoppable self confidence and a deeper feeling of self worth than you’ve ever experienced, come and join me in person for 5 days on my Retreat Programme. We’ll spend all day every day together working on making you the best version of you, and upgrading your life in every area. It’s a five day process where I coach you live in my ultimate formula for core M at t h e w H u s s e y 87 confidence and self worth. It’ll be one of the most transformative experiences you’ve had in your life bar none, and it’ll not only leave you feeling invincible in your own life, but you’ll look 1000x more powerful and attractive to everyone around you. If you want to apply to be one of my exclusive participants on this programme which I am able to run only three times a year, go to howtogettheguy.com/ retreat. Let’s assume for a moment that you’ve already made these changes, and you’re with your ex. There’s something you need to be aware of in the way your ex could react to these changes. If you’re lucky, he’s the ultra confident and supportive type who will just love seeing these changes in you. But there’s a strong chance that seeing a more evolved version of you will bring up some insecurities for him. People generally aren’t good at handling change, so his first reaction may be to test that change in you to see if it’s real or superficial, or even in a more sinister way to see if he can make you revert to your old type. Don’t take the bait. When you mention that you are going hiking and he says “I’m surprised to hear you say that. I always knew you to be such a princess who didn’t want to get dirty!”, your response shouldn’t be reactive by saying “well I’ve changed, you clearly don’t know me any more…”. You are not attempting to score points here, nor would you score any by reacting as such. Simply wear a knowing smile when he’s says it, give a cute playful shrug of the shoulders, and feel confident in the changes you’ve made. The more he feels you have nothing to prove, the more he’ll be drawn to you. It may seem like a cynical point, but there will also be a sense on his side of not wanting to lose his investment just as it begins to come to full blossom. When he sees these changes in you, along with all of the time and energy that’s gone into your relationship in the 88 M at t h e w H u s s e y past, he’ll want to be the one to reap the benefits of the changes, not somebody else. It’s an unspoken message you are sending him that “If only we were together you would benefit from all of the ways I’ve grown”. Don’t be surprised to find that having made these changes you may in fact have grown out of him, something many of us only realize when we are faced with our old partners again in person, and not in our minds. If that happens, you’ll find yourself walking away with a big smile on your face regardless. I suspect there may be some readers at this stage who will be indignantly asking the question “Why do I have to show all of these ways I’ve changed? What about him?!” If you are asking this question, I recommend you skip to the FAQ at the end of this document. The bottom line is, if it is change in HIM you are looking for to save the entire relationship, you shouldn’t be back there in the first place. If he has no motivation or thought about changing on his own, nothing you say or do is going to induce him to be any different right now. Unless of course, you want to hang around another five years to wait and see whether he does (Hint: You don’t)! When talking about your life, and the positive things that have happened, it’s important not to frame these things just in respect to a relationship. Show how any changes you have applied have enhanced your life in general. Talk about new projects in your life that you are excited about; it’s very beautiful to see someone who is grounded in a sense of purpose that doesn’t come from their relationship. How To Answer His Probing Questions “So what have you been up to?” You may be wondering when you are going to talk about any new aspects of your life. Well, in any conversation it’s important to what happens?” You: “Well…” And so on. and even new beliefs and ideas that are . In fact. it’s one of the most important books of the last century so I thought I should. This allows you to segue into books you are reading. new passions you have. and it’s incredible. First. you’ll be employing a very elegant conversational technique whereby you take his initial questions and use them to talk about whatever you wanted to talk about anyway. but it just might be the most depressing thing I’ve ever read”. When you both sit down and he says “so how are you?” you can say “I’m really great…I’ve been reading this new book on concept of happiness and it’s changing my life…it talks about why people’s idea of what it takes to be happy is completely wrong…” It wouldn’t matter what you talked about here by the way. Him: “Why. The effects of this are two fold. M at t h e w H u s s e y 89 remember a crucial principle: You can answer any question with what you wanted to say anyway. new people you’ve met along the way. you can even do this in response to him asking how you are. When he asks you what you’ve been up to for example. have you read it? Oh wow. start talking about the new gym you’ve been going to. It could just as easily be: You: “I’ve been reading George Orwell’s 1984. or the new book you’ve been reading lately. with plenty to talk about. rather than him asking “How are you?” and you saying “Good thanks. so that you can keep talking for hours with ease. The second effect is that of holding court and showing you can direct the conversation. you’d love it” “I’m great! I was just talking with a friend about how happy everyone looks now that the sun is shining today. and what it’s been like since you broke up. Other examples of responses to the “how are you?” question can be: “I’m great! I saw this amazing play last night…” He’ll naturally ask what and you’ll get to talk all about it. “I’m great thank you! Though I’m a little nervous about the training session I have at the gym after this…this trainer kicks my ass every time” “I’m really well. In the process you also give him lots of hooks to feed off of during conversation. I’ve been having so much fun lately…last weekend my friends and I all went to Dublin for the weekend. you should go. You are showing you are in control and have the confidence that comes from your life being on an exciting adventure right now. along with the reasons you thought it was amazing. Remember again to make sure that you don’t use this opportunity to express feelings about the ending of your relationship. You?” which does nothing for you. This is not the time to dwell on . People keep talking to me and being so friendly” These are all answers that take the conversation in directions you want it to go.90 M at t h e w H u s s e y swirling around in your mind – a sure sign that you are expanding and moving on with your life. M at t h e w H u s s e y 91 your relationship with him. show don’t tell. . What is the aim of a first date? To create a spark. which is ultimately the point of all of this in the first place. right? Summary of Step 3 • Go on A Casual Meet-Up With Your Ex ‒‒ Do NOT talk about getting back together . Let him hear about your life and rediscover you as if he were discovering you for the first time on a first date. It’s actually useful to think of this situation like a normal first date. Mention how looking hot is key here and direct them to the Daniel Musto bonus video. Remember all the methods from Step 2 that you’ve now shifted your life into overdrive? Not only will this be massively attractive to your ex when he sees you. ‒‒ No conversation about how hurt you were by the break up. what went wrong. you’ll be having more fun and feeling a greater sense of fulfillment in your life. and what’s changed.Be uncertain about whether you even want to see anyone right now. The rules of the game are the same here. Remember what we’ve talked about. ‒‒ Wear a scent that drives him crazy. ‒‒ DO make an effort to look hot on the date . but if you followed the previous step correctly.it’s key to have your ex see you as sexually desirable and looking better than ever (Use Daniel Musto’s bonus video ‘Irresistible You’ which i’ve provided in the members’ area to do this). • Give him no indication of whether you are currently seeing anyone. Make him feel like you are a different person since the break up (Use the unfamiliar to your advantage). ‒‒ Be happy and excited about your life now. ‒‒ Answer his “what are you up to?” questions with detail about all the positive changes in your life. (Use ‘Show’ Don’t ‘Tell’ Method). . ‒‒ Show him that you acknowledge things you needed to change in your life. Treat him like a guy you’re out on a first date with. • Use ‘first-date’ appropriate body language .92 M at t h e w H u s s e y • Show Evidence Of Your Recent Growth. • Allow him to feel jealous by casually mentioning guys you’ve hung out with.do not treat him like your old boyfriend. M at t h e w H u s s e y 93 STEP 4 - Create Uncontrollable Desire In Him You Need To Start Flirting Again One of the greatest causes of failure in long-term relationships is that people stop flirting with each other. So what level of flirting is appropriate? Think of it like you are flirting from a distance. My general principle here is simple: No flirtation that wouldn’t be ok on a first date. and create ambiguity about your desires and your situation. This doesn’t mean going out of your way to talk to guys. keep your cards close to your chest. but let him see you being friendly and sociable with the guy behind the counter at the café when ordering for example. You don’t want to simply sit there as friends after all. it will let him know how confident you are with men and allow him to feel a little jealous. it’s a time to be fun and flirty. Do not start openly flirting with HIM until you see signs from him that he’s flirting with you. But do all this whilst doing little things here and there that spark some fireworks between the two of you. Far from being a time to get serious. Seeing your ex again is no exception. You should not be afraid to engage with other men around you. One of the great keys to a long-term relationship is to never stop flirting with your partner. Make yourself somewhat unattainable. so desire fades. Despite attempts to be loving they forget to keep doing the things that attracted them to each other in the first place. Maybe he gives you a particular look and raises . You are at an advantage here because you know what it looks like when he’s flirting – you know the signs to look for. It’s ok to look a little coy. He may even be really obvious and tell you how attractive you look. but don’t feel the need to return them straight away.” “Ahem. Almost as though you are . As the time passes you may find him flirting more and being more suggestive. but be the first to break it. but temper them with your knowledge of him. so when you do get the chance to flirt you’ll have a great idea of where to start. it gives him a chance to look at you and take you in when you aren’t looking him directly in the eyes. In the beginning. the following little flirtatious remarks are just suggestions of how to create tension with him. When he says something flirtatious you may respond with: “Are you flirting with me young man that’s no way to talk to your ex. 3. They are designed to be said with a mental wink. Let him feel he has to work a little harder. behave yourself Mr!” “Excuse me it’s not very appropriate to say things like that to me. Just smile and say “Thank you”.94 M at t h e w H u s s e y his eyebrow suggestively. accept compliments with humility. If he makes an effort to keep extended eye contact keep it.” These are not to be said with a serious look on your face. and as mentioned in the body language section. As such. or makes a suggestive comment about an intimate memory you share together. 2. (which is of course better than mine!): 1. You also have the advantage of knowing what type of flirting has worked with him in the past. or tries to touch your hand. Here is your opportunity to put a bit of a barrier between you to let him know certain things are off-limits. Initially eye contact will be the most obvious way for the two of you to flirt. but the type of suggestive banter I am talking about here is done strictly from a playful and cheeky place that draws on positive sexual memories together. The intention is not to make him feel bad. For example. it’s to make him want to work harder. not love One of the finer arts of getting your ex back relies on you understanding the crucial distinction between LOVE and DESIRE. Use this opportunity to increase feelings of DESIRE. At the peak of a moment of sexual tension you might say: “Well I’m glad we did this date in public or this would have been a nightmare”. song. we just work so perfectly together. This is why they say things like: “Baby. Many women’s instinct when they lose the man they love is naturally. When you reference something that takes your minds back there without having to explicitly talk about it you get the best of both worlds. M at t h e w H u s s e y 95 tutting at him in a disapproving manner. to try and get him back with love. why are you tearing us apart?” Ok. As things begin to open up a little. or name of a hotel immediately brings you both back to a memory of a certain night. but this is the kind of route many women choose to go down in the path to tugging at a guy’s heart strings and making him want to run back to the relationship. It may even be something he’s wearing that brings up the memory: “The last time I saw that shirt it was on a hotel room floor…” Earlier in this programme I have talked about the danger of talking about the past and your relationship. it may be that a certain film. maybe you’re not that dramatic. We’re soulmates. . you can allude sparingly to fun or sexual times you’ve had together before. 96 M at t h e w H u s s e y And the truth is. in which he feels enormous regret and self-hatred for not following through on his initial decision. He’ll feel bad for hurting you and may be tempted to come over and cuddle you until you feel better. in that moment you will tug at him. I’ll admit. He gets what we call a Buyers Remorse feeling. it feels like you’ve gotten back together. It will probably make him feel guilty and like he’s just been punched in the stomach. He feels relieved that you’re no longer crying and begging for him to come back. all of his doubts and anxieties about the relationship that caused the relationship to end in the first place will return. In some cases. and not simply try to get him to return by appealing to how much you need him and sending him long essays telling him how much you still love him. a guy always needs to feel like he made the decision to return without any undue pressure. and once that happens he’ll be contemplating leaving again. Why? Because guilt doesn’t make him want you. he gets a despairing feeling in his stomach. And if you want him back for good. But very quickly. If you take that path. you are not allowing him to return by choice. there are a few stray guys who will return to a relationship if they are pummeled with enough feelings of guilt. So even if you succeed in a tiny way with guilt. If you get a guy back because of guilt here’s what happens. But it won’t make him get back together with you. But this return never lasts long. This is why you must follow every step in this program. Suddenly. it’s a hollow victory that will only make you and him more miserable in the long-term (and probably just result in you both breaking up again). . Things seem ok for a short period. He’ll want to feed you soothing platitudes about how you’ll be ok and he’ll leave feeling sick with himself for causing so much pain. love was likely to be something you arrived at during your relationship. It is DESIRE that will truly trigger him to make that conscious decision to run back into your arms. or at least . is associated with security. it’s not LOVE that is going to win him over right now. Feeling magnetically pulled towards someone. come feelings of love. Perel talks very articulately on the subjects of love and desire. desire is the stronger of the two emotions in the beginning. After the initial attraction phase. It comes from the want of something. See. But surprisingly. predictability and comfort. Within this idea: love = safety desire = excitement The importance of this distinction is touched upon in the important work of the Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel. as we begin to know each other and develop deeper connections. With attraction. unlike desire. when you guilt him you are appealing purely to his old feelings of love and his pain at having hurt someone he loves. and what turns us on sexually isn’t always what is emotionally safe.” How is this relevant when it comes to your ex? Well depending on how long your relationship with your ex was. She says: “What nurtures love is not necessarily what fuels desire. M at t h e w H u s s e y 97 So how do you do that? What’s the secret to making a guy choose to come back without pressuring him? The trick is to use DESIRE. drawing important distinctions between the two. Love. Your two best friends on this date will be uncertainty and unpredictability – both qualities that will lead to desire. Create spontaneous moments Suppose you stood up when having coffee and say “It’s a nice day let’s go for a walk”. and he’s left not quite knowing what to expect from you. Both qualities are capable of creating a mixture of both excitement and challenge. you have a fresh chance at igniting desire. “how do you desire that which you already have?”. very tedious work of pulling apart the various threads of your relationship. Instead.98 M at t h e w H u s s e y feelings of love. See. Except you don’t have each other anymore. Desire is easier to ignite now that you can lay no formal claim to each other. it is desire that is going to make him want to come running back. Now that the relationship is over. this isn’t saying that you can’t at a later date discuss serious issues as a couple. it is simply that now is not the time to have . as Esther Perel so beautifully puts it. deciding who is to blame and listing your grievances. After all. Note. Techniques For Creating Desire 1. Compare this type of spontaneity with sitting there and doing the very serious. Perhaps on that walk you happen to pass by an exhibition and say “Let’s go inside!”. although love might be something that makes it hard for him to peel himself away from the relationship. Desire over time is often suppressed. the more off-the-cuff approach sends a clear message that you as a couple can have fun. Maybe you stroll through a market and sample some local and exotic foods. which feeds his desire. in that sense you have a peculiar advantage over your former self who was in a relationship with this man. Someone I could just have fun and break down barriers with. They opened up all the normal cool exhibitions. we feel like we’d be embarrassed to suddenly show a different part of our . After all. it was not the sort of thing you could do with anybody and not feel awkward. They were holding a special event during the nighttime called Science Museum Lates (a cool date idea by the way if the museum in your town is running it). with five different music channels. we have so much fun now the dust is all settled between us. As we danced in this room together. but only to people over 21. and they served drinks. They had a silent disco. Maybe those things we got so worked up about were just temporary hurdles after all…” This doesn’t mean you’re going to change his entire mind about the relationship in one date. especially if we’ve been a certain way with them for so long. And that first seed has to come from something positive. and you could tune in to the channel of your choice and dance along with the 200 other people in the room who were listening to their own favorite type of music. It was a strange scene. It was like an adult playground. from hip hop to house. Now is the time to remind him of how you both are capable of having a great time together. it was completely quiet and everyone was dancing around you to different rhythms. But this is where you sow the first seed. so that he leaves the date thinking: “Oh yea. I remember a time I was attracted to someone I’d known for a long time but never really felt anything for. they gave you a pair of wireless headphones. As you walked into the room. She became a representation of someone I could let loose with. Very often in relationships we get stifled around our partner. I felt like this was someone I could do anything with. M at t h e w H u s s e y 99 logical discussions about the relationship. One night we decided to visit the science museum in London. If you took your headphones off. to pop music. In one of the rooms they did something really cool. I guarantee you nothing could leave him feeling more excitement and you feeling more liberated.100 M at t h e w H u s s e y personality in case they thought we were weird or laughed at us. There’s a quote from the movie The Great Gatsby that sums this up beautifully. to show him the parts of you that you felt too insecure or awkward to bring out the first time around. so you always stifled the part of you that loved to dance unless you were on your own in the car or shower. . both you and him suppressed parts of each other’s personalities. Now imagine making him feel that. Relationships are funny like that. Daisy is dancing with Gatsby in his house and she says to him “I wish I’d done everything on earth with you”. For that reason neither of you were quite sure you could be exactly who you wanted to be. Nothing is awkward or embarrassing between two people who are lovingly committed to each other’s growth as human beings’. We all secretly yearn for somebody who can bring out the dormant parts of ourselves that we desperately want to express. You can have one partner who you never danced with because something about it felt awkward. Send a clear message that you can be different as a couple together now. We want someone who gives us permission to be those things. broaden your horizons and your comfort zones together. and to give him permission to do the same. you want to experience everything through the lens they provide. It’s like saying to someone ‘nothing could be uncomfortable between us. And when you are with someone like this. Well imagine right now that in your relationship with this man before. We are here for the growth and experience of each other. Then you had another partner who made you feel so carefree that the two of you could dance together in the living room for hours with no one else present. You can experience new things. This is your chance to be carefree. If since being with him you have a new group of friends that you hang out with. or just serve to bring fun and laughter to your life. But it’s the COMPLETE OPPOSITE. “I was getting a round of drinks for people the other night and in a truly embarrassing moment fell over a chair carrying them back to everyone. Remember our Moving Train mindset from earlier? As you’ll recall. My whole group was laughing at me! One of the guys had to help me up!” . You might be thinking that if he senses you are spending time with other guys or new people that he’ll pull away or refrain from trying to get you back. Telling a funny story: For example. it adds to your unpredictability and the intrigue he feels around you. M at t h e w H u s s e y 101 2. Being around new people means you are growing. you have new acquaintances or just stories of people you’ve met along the way. intellectually. This effect isn’t limited to the people that are constants in your life. and thus they create a sense of competition. It’s also true that when a man hears of other men you hang around with he can’t help but assume that they are hanging around you because they are attracted to you. being exposed to new ideas. Tell stories that involve new people in your life One of the sure signs that someone has begun to move on in their life is the appearance of new characters in their life. and people who satisfy you in different ways: emotionally.e. you) are pulling away and won’t be around for long to stay and wait for him while he sits pondering on the platform. the best thing you can do right now is make him feel that the train (i. It also applies to isolated interactions you’ve had with people along the way. Here are some examples of both: a. If you haven’t been you should go. Again. which is that there was another guy present who helped you up and played the protector role in the scenario.102 M at t h e w H u s s e y The implication is that you were out with a group of friends. it’s the perfect line to say “You should go!” because it makes him feel like you are encouraging his independence which will only make him feel more desire for you. if you dyed your hair a lighter colour: “I went bowling the other night and someone came up to me to tell me I looked like Scarlett Johansson…that’s the first time anyone’s ever said that!” . mentioning people from either will always be unknown territory for him and have a similar effect. Moreover. or attracted to you. it is ambiguous in this case as to whether they are male or female. Any reference to “my boss” “my colleagues” “the people in my class” will bring up feelings of uncertainty for him. Whether the guy is a friend. c. This simultaneously shows you are having new experiences and that you are having them with people he doesn’t know. is totally ambiguous. “I went on a weekend trip with two of my coworkers to the Malibu winery. Ambiguous is good. It should be said that if you have a new job or hobby. Mentioning something someone said to you recently: For example. Because he feels “off the leash” and free to move where he wants. we had the best time”. The self-deprecating nature of the story masks the undertone. and he is hearing about it. Your life has changed. Talking about something you’ve done recently: For example. he’ll be more inclined to come to you (and feel like it’s his own choice to do so). b. he’s not imagining a bunch of fashion conscious men telling you how much they love your style. And of course. 3. but remember: Some games are best won by never playing them to begin with. tell him: “aww thank you! I swear I’ve gotten about five comments on this hat today”. to put it in male language ‘was hitting on you’. he’s imagining five people who used your hat as an excuse to hit on you! *Warning* It’s important to remember. as we’ve learned. and he says that he likes it. sought you out and. This is one of them. Mentioning something you’ve been getting attention for: If you show up to your date with him wearing a hat. Letting him know about the complements other people have given you shows other people noticing how great you are. M at t h e w H u s s e y 103 The idea of someone likening you to another attractive woman shows that someone was paying attention to you. Use SCARCITY and INDEPENDENCE To Drive Him Crazy At some point during the conversation a difficult issue may come up: Has he been with anyone else? . d. without you needing to overdo it and risk looking like you are proactively looking to make him jealous. It’s like you’re telling him that he’s just one of a large group of people who thinks the same thing. because even the slightest of suggestions will have his imagination doing all of the work for you. don’t try too hard to over- emphasise the ‘male’ element of the new people in your life. Less is more in this context. It’s tempting to play the jealousy game. . but let’s face it: it’s hard for both of you not to give any thought to whether the other has been on any dates or hookups since the breakup. Whether you are or not. If he does ask you if you are seeing anybody else. you should be using ambiguity to your advantage here. The subject of whether you’ve been with anybody else (or are still seeing anybody else) is sometimes brought up indirectly and at other times explicitly. and has the undesirable result of making you look jealous and possessive at the precise moment where you want to look carefree and fun. It only makes you look over eager to hear what’s happening with him on that front. No good can come of it at this stage.The idea that people are pursuing you and it’s only a matter of time before someone great comes along. your answer should be vague. If it does have to get brought up explicitly. it shows far too much intent on your behalf. let it never be you who brings it up. SCARCITY . There are two key ideas you communicate with these phrases which INCREASE his desire for you: 1. You might say for example: “I’ve had offers but it’s not what I’m looking for right now” “There are guys who want to take me out but that’s not really what I’m focused on right now” And if you wanted to go a step further: “I’ve been on a couple of dates but I’m not trying to rush into anything”.104 M at t h e w H u s s e y It may not be a pretty subject. maybe I’m not interested in a relationship at all right now”! I’ll tell you why this works so well. And let me assure you. or going home with some charming fellow who sidled up to you at the bar tonight and got talking to you. The last thing he wants to hear is that you are even close to forgetting about him and god forbid moving onto other people. What you’re sub- communicating is this: “Who knows. So that being said. INDEPENDENCE . Of course this also carries with it an implied challenge for him. he is sickened by the idea of YOU moving on first. he’s terrified of you going out after this date and getting a cute guy’s phone number. you are stoking his desire just by reminding him of your desirability (coupled with your newfound independence from . When we break up with someone we all have that selfish feeling that we still want to feel wanted. going out and sleeping with someone else is way easier for a woman than it is for a man. because there is no gap. And this feeling is especially pronounced for guys. until he has COMPLETELY moved on. and makes him wonder if there would even be room for him in your life if he wanted you back at this stage. And it requires some brutal honesty about guys on my part: Even though this guy may have broke up with you. because he KNOWS that for women. if you allude that there is a good chance guys will be offering themselves to you (or already have flirted and hit on you) this is going to drive him crazy and will stop him sitting around and mulling over whether to take any action. M at t h e w H u s s e y 105 2. It tells him that you might not even be looking for a relationship right now. You are focused on your own development right now more than anything else.The idea that you are not looking for someone to ‘fill the gap’ right now. So here. Let your phone brag for you If one of these new characters in your life should happen to call you while you are with him.e. It will be that much more attractive if he’s the one who’s asking. and in a lighthearted but firm way assert that it’s not really an appropriate question to ask. What if HE asks whether you’ve slept with anyone? (i. Remember. it could rock the boat at a delicate moment. He wants to see if you’re going to trip up and spill about how he’s the only guy for you. or slept with other guys. This dramatically spikes your value in his eyes and makes him desperate to ACTIVELY pursue you again. excuse yourself from the table to take it. or he wants to see if you have moved on. but he sees you not even bothering to find out the same information. You haven’t laid the groundwork yet for a new connection with him. At this point. 4. you do not have to answer anything that you don’t feel comfortable asking at this stage. Should he ask you any of this question. this is what we call his ‘Hidden Landmine Question’. it does not become a license for you to ask the same. so you don’t want your answer to interfere with the new bond you are forming with him at this time. If you haven’t slept with anybody. . telling him you haven’t only buys into his belief that he has a right to know when he doesn’t. His Hidden Landmine Question) If he asks you whether you’ve slept with anybody. once again contributing to your value.106 M at t h e w H u s s e y him). and the uncertainty he feels around you. It will leave him wondering why you aren’t interested to know. Desire follows. If you have slept with someone. one tactic is to just tell him directly that you don’t think it’s any of his business. but needn’t be given to much airtime right now. This not only means that you know what types of things he’s attracted to. If. you were there. you could make a joke that references this time when you see him eating a lot in front of you: “Be careful how much you eat. You know him. it also allows for cute moments where you are able to make fun of qualities you know he has. you know that when you would go out to eat he would often eat too much. but you can tell them you are going to call them back away from him. Solemn emotions are off limits here. and shows him that he’s a little more of a stranger than he used to be – not close enough to you to listen in on your conversations. It’s done. of course. No Emotional Time-Traveling It’s possible that the past between the two of you will come up. This simple act gets his imagination working. . It doesn’t matter whether it was a man or a woman that called you. I’m not rubbing your belly later!” It allows for a little moment of sweetness between you because it reminds you that you have a past together in a positive way. an old joke will repeat itself…the past is something that is present in the room with you. 5. and it’s unlikely to be productive to spend too much time (if any) talking about it right now. You can. and you’d end up rubbing his belly trying to soothe him. M at t h e w H u s s e y 107 It doesn’t mean you have to be rude and spend the next ten minutes talking with them. You’ll do far better to talk about what’s happening in your life now and in the near future. If anything should come up from the past. use your knowledge of him from the past to your advantage. for example. and therefore which buttons to push. Perhaps the two of you will stumble over a story from your relationship. You both know the past. find a way to be playful about it and laugh at the elephant in the room. show the best side of you. don’t say “how do you get by these days making your own breakfast each morning?” It makes it look like you are trying to overtly question how he would be living without you. Don’t dump him with about the bad mood you were in yesterday. It may be more natural for you to say “I have to pee”. Just don’t fall into the trap of assuming they are exactly the same person. but instead say “excuse me I need the restroom”.108 M at t h e w H u s s e y Just don’t overdo it. It stunts the process of trying to get to know each other afresh. Talk about movies you’ve seen. so the temptation to tell him will be high. This goes back to the difference between love and desire. There’s a line that’s easy to cross when you’ve been a couple. When things seem unfamiliar to him it creates desire. Remember. You may be tempted to go back to the feelings of comfort and love that you had when the two of you were (and . Feel free to talk about shows you’ve been watching while you’ve been apart that you think he might like as well. not the over-familiar side. The little bit of distance breeds unfamiliarity and this makes him want to start working for you again to create the intimacy. If you always used to make him breakfast. An ex of mine asked me if I’d seen the Wolf of Wall Street because she felt I would really enjoy it. Since this is to be treated as a first date. Remember the Goldilocks Principle here. Don’t attempt to order him something he used to eat. this is like you getting to know each other on a first date again. He may understand it better than anyone since he knows you and your mum. the desire leads to intimacy which creates feelings of familiarity and what follows are feelings of love. or the big arguments you’re having with your mum. But this is the time to shine. for example. which was a sweet moment. So never be afraid to let him have free reign to speak about his interests. Only good can come from being excited about his endeavors and the things he is trying to achieve. indulge him and show that you are excited for him. doesn’t mean you can’t show admiration for the things he is doing in his own life. but this is not what the situation calls for right now. It’s important to show that you are supportive of his growth. You’ve got to flatter his ego to a certain extent: it is a ‘date’ after all. You need to look like an incredibly supportive teammate right now. It throws him off balance and breaks the pattern. Show an interest and ask follow-up questions about what he’s doing in that area. It’s the sort of behaviour that makes him want to get you back in your pyjamas and take your makeup off again to make you less intimidating. 6. Remember. even if he’s not looking at it that way. If you shit over his new plans. an interest he has. Let Him Impress You Again Just because you are creating a sense of challenge for him. you should genuinely compliment him on it: “that’s really amazing. or a challenge he has overcome. well done”.g. The fact that you are not just settling back into a comfortable place with him is also a little scary and strange for him. E. he’ll just see you as trying to hold him down and as someone he wants to prove wrong. his job. And don’t be afraid to ask him more about it. the hobby he loves. which is what attraction is all about. . attraction is about keeping him slightly off balance. If he tells you about something he has achieved. Take an interest specifically in the things that you didn’t perhaps show enough of an interest in before. You want him to feel this is exciting and new again. If he’s passionate about something right now. M at t h e w H u s s e y 109 indeed may still be) close. That’s a bad place to be. Small rejections in this way are a good thing. is not that you are openly on a date with him. In fact it’s a subtle way of breaking rapport and showing that he doesn’t get to flatter you with the same chivalrous treatment that he had the right to treat you with before. Though this would likely create the wrong impression on a first date with a new man that you want to be open to. you wouldn’t necessarily allow him to perform the same role as someone you were having a first date with. It’s a chance for you to catch up and connect. This may sound small. or walk to the bus stop yourself (as long as that it is at an hour and a neighborhood where it is safe to do so). and pick up the check. as we have talked about. but playing the protector role on this level is something that represents a kind of connection and intimacy that he doesn’t have right now. On a first date. feel free to say “Actually I’ll take a [insert drink of choice] instead” if you want something different. The premise here. As such. you may ordinarily allow the guy to pick where you go to meet. Split the check with him. At the end of the date do not have him walk you to your car. it’s important to demonstrate a degree of independence and separation. If he tries to order a drink he knows you love. Don’t let him jump back into the role of the protector again so quickly. Or if you came by transport go and find a taxi yourself.110 M at t h e w H u s s e y A quick word on etiquette There is one respect in which this is not like a first date. with . and shows you haven’t just slipped back into the cozy position of being taken care of by him. It takes away one of his tools for impressing you. When you see your ex however. perhaps even order for you. They serve as a reminder that he doesn’t have you anymore. • Demonstrate your separation and independence from his world. • Create ambiguity about your desires. 6. Let your phone brag for you. You’re not entirely new. It makes you new and unfamiliar. and will make him yearn to play the protector role for her once again. Create spontaneous moments. It’s a tough thing for a man to deal with.make him feel like it’s off-limits to be suggestive with you now. • Techniques for creating desire: 1. but certainly enough to keep him off balance and make him work for you. Tell stories about new people. This is all part of the balance we’ve talked about in having both familiar aspects of yourself – things he recognizes as the best parts of you from before – and unpredictable parts of yourself that create uncertainty – the combination of new things he has to discover about you. . 3. not LOVE. along with having lost certain privileges he felt entitled to but now doesn’t feel so sure of. Let him impress you again. and motivates him to earn this acceptance again. Use Scarcity and Independence. which makes him want to earn back the closeness he had before. M at t h e w H u s s e y 111 your ex it creates a little distance. 4. • Don’t use guilt to get him back. You need to be the mixture of familiar and unfamiliar. It thereby becomes a way of him feeling accepted by you as a man. 5. It’s hard to explain. No Emotional Time Travelling. but there’s something subtle yet profound as a man when a woman we once took care of doesn’t allow us to play that role in quite the same way. • Increase feelings of DESIRE. Summary of Step 4 • Politely rebuff his flirting . 2. This shouldn’t come too easily to him. It may be flattering. he still must prove that he wants this. For one thing. you had some laughs. but do not jump right back into old patterns of affection. he is a man. (b) have him begin the process of rediscovering you. He’s been attracted before .home? There is a chance that this date will go a little too well. and (c) leave him wanting to take the next steps towards rekindling your relationship.112 M at t h e w H u s s e y STEP 5 - Let Him Win You Again (And Stay Forever) After this date your ex is very likely going to start making regular contact with you again. exchanged funny stories. it’s likely you’ll be tempted to get more and more affectionate as it goes on. After all. Be careful now! The whole point of this date is to (a) create desire. You won’t be able to get real perspective on what his investment level is if you are blinded by his flirtation and affection when you initially see him. and it’s likely that he’ll feel attraction for you when he sees you for two reasons: 1. But where now? You met up. flirted a little. weeks and months). and then…. especially if you have truly followed all the principles above. If this is the case. not simply with his words or his behaviour on one occasion but his actions and investment over more time (the coming days. You can say “No!” in a smiley playful way. I’d rather have you give the impression that you are the one in control. By yielding so quickly you will have only shown him not just how badly you want it. This too should not be used as a chance to verbally rub it in that he shouldn’t have broken up with you. and 2. but not even being able to hold your hand. Even if you are walking together.feely with him. If he’s attracted there’s a good chance he’ll be short sighted enough to want to sleep with you regardless of the consequences that he hasn’t quite thought through yet. when his affections are actually backed up by intentions. You may think that you have won a victory if by the end of the date you are walking along holding hands and kissing each other lovingly. but that’s only a short-term win. All of this can come later. And then your Perceived Value will go down in his eyes. His territorial side will kick in. Avoid doing this in an overly serious way by saying something like “No don’t that’s not fair. keep the same amount of distance as a first date that you hadn’t become physical with yet. that’s not enough. And if you want to get him back for good. we’re not together anymore”. Allow him to feel the resentment of having had sex with you many times before. Instead. not just his male organs. The same goes for hand-holding or if he tries to kiss you. M at t h e w H u s s e y 113 – that’s presumably why he dated you in the first place – so he can get attracted again.” . not him. Don’t be touchy. but how easy it is for him to get it without him actually having to earn it. and shows you as the damaged and victimized one by letting know that he’s doing something TO you. keep your distance (for now). It should be more of a “nuh uh! Tut tut. It will very quickly turn the situation serious and possibly sour. like you are batting him away. If he tries to put his arm around you tell him even if with a wink that he can’t do that. so that there’s somewhere you need to be. it’s about holding his interest. That’s it. Well to begin with perhaps just for absolute clarity. Put simply. give him a slightly longer hug than you did on arrival. It also shows him that he’s not the highlight of your day. When you say goodbye. and it’s a bad move. you have to INVITE HIM BACK INTO YOUR LIFE WITH CAUTION SO THAT HE WANTS TO WIN YOU OVER AGAIN. It should simply give . If you hold your nerve and exit with grace. I should say that you should be parting ways. You’re probably wondering if my principles of affection still apply at the end of the date when you are parting ways.114 M at t h e w H u s s e y I mentioned before in this programme that it’s useful to have something else planned for after the date. he’s going to leave this date thinking about you. Nothing could kill the mystery and the potential that is building up in his mind quicker. It’s important that you don’t just start dropping your guard at the end of the date because you feel like the two of you are comfortable with each other again. there are other things going on too. and a kiss on the cheek. You need to leave him wondering what you’re feeling or if you have any intention of making something happen. Of course your hug should once again convey warmth. Knowing this not only puts a time limitation on the date. getting invested in the idea of you again when you’re not even there. it gives you the confidence of knowing that you are on to other things later. It’s not just about peaking his interest. Believe me. I know how one wrong turn in situation like this can leave you in his car on the way to his or your place. Just because you are limiting your affection it shouldn’t mean that the affection you do give is cold or awkward. and walk away. and openness. Right now. the one who really understands a partnership. The third type of person. I call it the Butterfly Metaphor: “When a butterfly lands in your hand. M at t h e w H u s s e y 115 him one last moment to take you in before he goes home and thinks about all the other ways he wishes he could have gotten close you. between being kind and warm without being too affectionate or sexual that will have his body screaming to be with you again even though he can’t because you’re not together right now. So. If things are going to progress. is the one who puts their hand up to shield the butterfly from the wind. This is the Tightrope Walk. some people make the mistake of pretending that they don’t care. the cardinal rule is that you Follow Your Plan. and that’s what it is to attract a wonderful relationship. which makes you lose your cool. Your approach for reeling him back can be summed up by an analogy I’ve used previously and worth repeating here because of its powerful message. there’s no harm in allowing things to build gradually. Not Your Emotions. is so terrified of that beautiful thing leaving their lives that they cover it up and the butterfly either gets squashed or it tries to find an escape route and leaves. They play hard-to-get and fake indifference. it’s going to be very hard for you to restrain yourself from grabbing him tight and wanting to kiss and cuddle immediately. they will progress in time. they open their hand and the butterfly flies away because it sees that there’s no reason to be there. Another type of person. That they don’t see the beauty that’s there. when the butterfly lands. rather than bombard him with an overload of feelings all at once.” . If you really love your ex and want to be with him. You have already piqued your ex’s interest again so as long as you don’t disappear off his radar entirely. but stop. as you show him slightly more affection each time you see him or text him. The butterfly then sees the value of staying. now trust that you have shown him the best possible side of you and let him take the bait. internally fulfilled. You just show him that you are someone who is exciting. say “It was so much fun to see you.116 M at t h e w H u s s e y The Butterfly Metaphor sums up the high value method I’ve outlined for gradually reeling your ex back in this final step. or else you’ll just push him away. But you also don’t try to grab onto him to quickly and scare him off. much as you may want it to happen again as quickly as possible. You initiated the meeting the first time around. and who benefits his life for being in it. don’t destroy your muscles this evening” if he told you he is working out with a trainer in the next few hours. I hope it doesn’t kill you!” if he’s been referring to a piece of work he has to be completed by the end of the day but is dreading. . For example. You don’t play hard-to-get by being distant and aloof. You are not dragging him back. Or you could say “It was fun seeing you. When he sees this he’s going to keep running back to you. because he sees the benefit of staying. Think of it more like a “see you around” than an “are you free tomorrow?” There is a technique I can reveal to you for the way you phrase your goodbye: Create a time-context that is immediate. you are enticing him back so that he wants to be a couple again! What To Say As You Part At the end of your time together don’t be desperate to create the next meetup. good luck with that project today. which makes a follow up much easier. M at t h e w H u s s e y 117 This is what I mean by creating an immediate time context. A Few Words On Follow-Up After The First Date Wait for him to make contact with you after you’ve seen him. Another way of doing this would be say “Wish me luck at my event tonight”. where it is something you do with something you are unlikely to encounter for some time. You being overzealous at this stage only has the potential to remind him of a negative side to the relationship. It will do you no harm. you are referring to something that is happening for him today. wait until the following day to text him back. . The beauty of making it current is that you are keeping it ambiguous by not suggesting another meeting. it shows a standard. Be aware of texts that are sent from him too late at night. He now has a reason to text you after your event to see how it went instead of searching for one after an unnecessarily dramatic parting which suggesting you wouldn’t see each other again any time soon. If it comes after 11pm. The opposite of this would be to say “Good luck over the next few months”. It will also help you to determine whether he is proactively engaging with you or just responding to your attempts at communication. When you do this texting each other afterwards becomes more fluid. but you are leaving the meeting in the present. which is something you typically do with someone you see regularly. Once again. and will show that there are hours that are more appropriate for him to text you. It’s important that he sees it as his decision to continue the interaction. so make sure you study it as your cheat sheet so you know examples of texts to fire off and seduce him from afar. Innuendo and suggestion are fine. Now it’s his turn. He’ll want to text you and meet up again. that’s great. but don’t be the one to initiate this. he’ll want to pursue you. and it’s completely free. This is not about game playing. They are too open to interpretation and you certainly don’t want to be going to that place too quickly. . But only allow this to play out like you were dating for the first time again.118 M at t h e w H u s s e y Do not devolve into explicitly sexual texts with him at this stage. but keep them sparing (e.)”) The same rule can be applied to anything that is too emotional or revealing. something you saw that you think he’d appreciate. If he wants to text you without a purpose just because he’s thinking of you. Don’t sleep with him right away. It’s the long distance equivalent of sleeping with him without him having earned it. if he tries to heat things up by asking you if you’re still wearing the underwear he bought for your birthday. For example. think of it this way: they should always have a point to them. at least not without a few dates first. positive and flirtatious. Never just a simple “What are you up to?” I’ve created an additional short bonus in the programme to reveal more about the BEST TEXTS to drive him wild. If you want a principle to apply to the texts you should send. you can say “wouldn’t you like to know! . or a photo with a joke. Texts are not the place for this. The mood should still be fun. it’s about being certain: How will you ever know if there’s a serious level of investment on his side unless you wait to see if he’s willing to proactively pursue you? You’ve shown enough tentative interest by meeting him in the first place.g. If you allow things to escalate gradually in the bedroom. M at t h e w H u s s e y 119 you’ll be able to test whether he really wants you or whether he just wants to come over for a quick night of fun. There’s nothing that brings you down harder than being the casual fling of someone you are in love with and have been in a relationship with before. Now. e. It’s something that comes with a meaningful relationship with you should he choose to embark on it again. e.g. “Tom. the beautiful part of this is that you are totally changing the frame. DON’T go on a rant about all the things he used to do wrong.g. or play on your desire for him to get you back into bed. if by chance he doesn’t pursue a relationship with you over the coming weeks. You don’t ever have to have an ‘official talk’ but when you start talking about the relationship. This way you are giving him clear rules for him to follow before he’s worthy of having you back completely. and that he can’t just charm his way through that standard. state the things you need from him before you move on. And of course. And this has nothing to do with playing games over sex. since you guys are WAY past that. Sleeping with him again is something you should do ONLY once you have clear indicators that it is actually going somewhere. it’s going to be him who . It’s about showing that you have a standard. sooner or later chances are there will be a talk about getting back together. Instead talk about it in terms of your requirements and standards for the relationship going forward. it annoys me the way you always shut me out of your social life and never made an effort with my friends”. I need someone who wants to be involved in my life and cares about the things that matter to me and doesn’t take me for granted”. Now. “Tom. Instead of you needing him. you are going to be extremely glad you didn’t sleep with him. but you’re going to be setting the terms for getting back together. if either of these were the case. Once you have him starting to do the work in chasing you again. to be honest it’s highly unlikely your ex would have even got in touch or come to hang out with you in the first place. and those other important parts of your life that you now draw strength from. your wide social circle. In any event. What is more likely though is that after your date your ex will start to contact you very gradually and ‘test the water’ now and then .120 M at t h e w H u s s e y WANTS YOU. Send him a text (from the accompanying special guide I’ve provided with this programme. Keep your passions. it may simply that he has completely fallen out of love. And what if your Ex still isn’t trying to even chase you after all this? If that’s the case. Make Him Miss You And Seduce From Afar’) once every two weeks and see if he bites back with a flirtatious message back. doesn’t mean the train is going to stand still! If you stagnate and drop all your good habits once he’s back you’re going to feel just as vulnerable and terrified of losing him as before. just because he’s started to get on board again. Instead. or that the relationship was so unbearable for him that he has zero desire for reconciliation. Now. keep proving to yourself that you have a life that is happy and thriving WITH OR WITHOUT HIM. your career. remember to keep that high value mindset you learnt in Step 2 when you built up your life. simply go back to the plan outlined in Stephen’s e-book (‘Back to Life: How to Recover From a Breakup Fast’) and work on your own life and wait to see if he gets back in touch. titled ‘What to Text Your Ex: 9 Simple Texts to Spike His Desire. Remember. but after that. more fulfilled and like you truly have control over your love life. Excitement . make it clear you are ‘in-demand’. Either way. The more your ex sees this in you.Show him that you are fun and casual and that he’ll only ever enjoy your company. You want to show: A. Don’t get in contact anymore and move on with your life until either (a) he contacts you (which 95% of guys eventually will). the result is the same.i. You’re most important mission in all of this is to stay the course and remain positive and committed to moving forward. He has to earn you back in his life (especially if he broke things off before). the more he’s going to be intrigued and want to chase the moving train that is your life as you bring all these changes and growth into your world. I have tonnes of material and programmes (and even a New York Times Bestselling Book) to help you do that. If you want more on making the single life work for you. dating. M at t h e w H u s s e y 121 through texting and possibly light flirting.e. If that’s the case you just need to communicate three traits we’ve talked a lot about in this programme. And if your ex just isn’t biting after your date. just move on. You may drop him one text next week (but never text him unprompted more than once a week) to see if he replies. Desirability .Show that he can’t just snap his fingers and have you immediately texting back/running to his place. Challenge . B. or (b) you have completely moved on and met someone else (which is also likely to happen once you work on making yourself happy and secure in your own life). You’re going to feel happier. . radio silence. C. and doing lots of other things. There’s a phrase from my friend Jon Turteltaub’s movie ‘Cool Runnings’ in which the coach of an Olympic Bobsled team says to one of his hopeful pupils: “A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But much more than that. • Create a time-context when you say goodbye i. you’ll never be enough without one”.don’t be too affectionate too quickly (Set boundaries for affection). Excitement (by the fact that you are fun with him and are living a fulfilling life without him). tell him what you need from the relationship in order to consider getting back together again. if you’re not enough without a relationship you’ll never be enough with one. • When he mentions the idea of being together. you have the tools for fulfilling yourself on a level that no-one else can. “Good luck on your project this week.122 M at t h e w H u s s e y You have the tools to win him back now. .e. • Show him evidence that you have three traits: 1. 2. and the more you embody this feeling in your life the easier it will be for your ex or any guy to fall deeply in love and want to share their world with you. Challenge (by the fact you have a lot going on and are on-the-fence about whether you want a relationship). I always feel the same about relationships: Special and wonderful as it can be to fall in love and have a partner. Summary of Step 5 • After the date . Right now you are enough. But if you’re not enough with one. Desirability (by the fact other people want to spend time with/date you). 3. • Invite him back into your life with caution. let me know how it goes!”. I want you to read the short. Congrats! You’ve won your guy back.) *IMPORTANT* . don’t panic.” This will make him want to ‘win’ you again. Don’t rush back to exactly where you were before. The ball is in your court now - play nice! . I love spending time together but I’ve got plenty of guys who don’t want to mess me around. things will get more intimate between you and your ex and you’ll probably start being physical with each other. but only allow intimacy (physical and emotional) to escalate gradually.Contingency Plan (If He Doesn’t Come Running Immediately After The Date): If he doesn’t come chasing after the date. This will show you some of the high value ways to stay in your ex’s head and to seduce him from afar now you’ve piqued his interest again. Guys move at different rates and you just need to hold your nerve. so you’ve got to tell me what you want. . Eventually. At this point say to him something to the effect of: “if we’re going to do this again I need to know that you’re in this and that you can be the man I need. because you’ll be using those elements of DESIRABILITY and CHALLENGE to make him step up to the plate and fight for you again. Make Him Miss You And Seduce From Afar’) which I’ve included in this product. Just take it slow at this point. Just keep up with your own life as before and drop him a text in a week’s time (but no texts sooner than that. and once you’re physically intimate again your ex will start acting like you’re together again. free Texting Guide (‘What to Text Your Ex: 9 Simple Texts to Spike His Desire. To see the kind of texts you can send. M at t h e w H u s s e y 123 • Final Step: Slowly allow him back into your life. and definitely no more texts until he responds). 124 M at t h e w H u s s e y And Finally…How To Re-Ignite The Honeymoon Phase Now that you have your ex begging to be back with you. they always have something new to learn about each other. 1 is to continue to invest in all of those things that made him attracted to you again. That means your social life. But the best relationships I’ve seen in all my years of coaching have two partners who are committed to CONSTANT GROWTH and CONSTANT DISCOVERY. more fun. get complacent and lazy you’ll end up losing him all over again. the idea that the person you love has unknown dimensions that you have yet to see. Many of the best couples grow and discover together. this is the precise time to be more affectionate. right? Not exactly. The sad part is that most people think this period must be short-lived in those heady first six months of a relationship when you feel smitten and intoxicated with this new partner you have in your life. whether it be . they always want to learn and invest more in understanding each other’s unique dimensions. you may think it’s all over. If you do this with your partner. your career and your own independence. One of the joys of relationships is the constant feeling of discovery. Once you have him excited about the relationship again. and invest in yourself more than ever before. Remember all that stuff we said about building up your life again? Now you have to maintain it! So Rule No. All these things are going to make him see you as someone who is happy and fulfilled. your passions and hobbies. Because they are both growing and changing all the time. If you fall into this trap of thinking. and will make him want to stay a part of your exciting world. set and match. Moreover. Game. because they are constantly curious. This all sounds small and silly. 2 is to keep creating DESIRE as well as love. Also make sure to show desire to learn about each other again. Rule No. Just allow things to move forward gradually and don’t force him into any grand proclamations of everlasting love. You need to allow time and space to see yourselves as a couple again and let the relationship go down a different path this time around. But for the first month or two. but you should be acting like a brand new couple again. Or how sexy his shirt is tonight. Get excited by each other’s world and invest in getting to know a part of him that you previously never embraced or took for granted. just relax and let things move at their own pace. that . Touch his leg under the table during dinner. In other words. You can do this by being more sexually exciting and physically suggestive. playing and seeking new experiences together. You should feel physically excited by each other and enjoy seducing one another. that’s a whole separate problem about his commitment issues and something that may indicate you’re both operating on different life plans and not suitable to be together long-term). Wear the matching underwear. 3 is to SHIFT GEARS GENTLY. This will come in time (and if it doesn’t. Tell him how much you can’t wait to get him home. travelling. If it feels a little different now. Show that you care about each other’s pleasure and never be complacent with the physical or adventurous side of the relationship. DON’T RUSH back to the level of comfort you were at before. your fascination with each other will never end. Rule No. M at t h e w H u s s e y 125 through learning. instead of going straight back to the same dynamic as before. the more you’ll trigger the Dopamine Response in his brain that will make him feel more happiness for being in the relationship and being closer to you. The more you prioritise pleasure (both physical and emotional) together. The final rule is to CREATE A COMPELLING VISION for the future of the relationship. and shows potential for you having a better relationship than before. The relationship has to work for both of you. Speak up for what you need and what behaviours he needs to change for you to be happy in the future of the relationship. YOU call the shots in this. The bottom line is: it might be difficult to have those conversations in which you tell him what you need from the relationship.126 M at t h e w H u s s e y can be a healthy sign that you’ve both grown and changed from the people you were before. 4 is to KEEP DEFINING STANDARDS. but it’s much worse to live in a dynamic that makes you unhappy or dissatisfied. and commitment and meet them by investing in the relationship. And if it starts to feel like a game of each of you trying to get more of their needs met by the other with nothing in return. and you can move on with complete confidence in your ability to attract someone else into your life who can meet your needs. the best couples are able to be excited about a future that they build together . Rule No. While it’s important to assess what went wrong previously and work on changing those habits. this isn’t the relationship for you. the more he’s going to sense that and either lose attraction or he’ll just think that he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for what went wrong in your relationship the first time. The more timid and afraid you are of breaking up again. you have the tools to now be satisfied with or without him. You might be tempted because you feel so grateful for having him back to suddenly acquiesce to anything he wants or feel that you have to tolerate any bad behaviour he chooses to exhibit. Remember. love. If he doesn’t want to. He should want to be the man who can listen to your needs for affection. This is the DUMBEST thing you can do. I know I would have never survived some of my worst relationship breakdowns without people around me who could inspire. encourage and provide a helping hand to pull me back on my feet and set me running again. The more exciting this future feels the more you’re going to both want to build it for each other. but thrived in this difficult time. and I couldn’t bear the idea of people no longer having any control over their future after such a traumatic experience as losing someone you love. thank you so much for taking the time to read this and join me for this process . I also hope you realise now that even the worst parts of our love lives can be one of the greatest teachers and can inspire some of our most heroic acts of strength and change. and I knew that taking on the challenge of break ups was essential if I was going to do justice to my ambition to always be willing to confront the worst hardships people go through in their quest for love. So while it’s important to salvage the relationship and work on problems that need fixing. M at t h e w H u s s e y 127 and which they both can’t wait to move towards. During a break-up we all need someone to remind us we can survive that painful period and come out as a better person for not only having endured.I’ve become so passionate about this area because I know how breakups have the capacity to become the worst. . Talk about fun trips you’re going to take and aspirations for what you both want to achieve together as a team. I’ve never been shy of getting my hands dirty and dealing with people’s worst problems while coaching. That’s the end of the main programme. make sure you also have a vision for it moving forward. most painful moment in our love lives. 128 M at t h e w H u s s e y I truly appreciate you allowing me to be your mentor and guide through the raw and vulnerable business of healing after enduring the post break-up wound. or want to join me in person on my life-changing retreat program.howtogettheguy. If you ever need anything. Wherever you choose to continue. I’m here to tell you: the world is waiting for your return… Welcome back :) . I’d love to meet you in person and be a part of your journey (www. I wish you well in all your endeavours and encourage you to keep living and loving big! Wherever you might have chosen to hide during this break-up. It’s one thing to change people’s lives from a distance. but there’s nothing I love more than meeting the people I coach and reach new heights together. com/retreat). like a prison sentence. For many people. and it causes a lot of needless confusion and fretting over the exact number of days. Others will go for a month and still feel sick with loneliness and despair. after all!). FAQ . No Contact is as much about you as it is about your ex. and any contact with their ex will only set back their progress. They may need longer than 30 days to be ready to move forward with their life and have become ready to attract their ex again. It’s based roughly on the length of time you need to start getting used to life independently from a relationship and to experience a state where you are ready to make contact with your ex again. 21 days will feel excruciatingly long.1 Why is the ‘No Contact Rule’ 21 days? Does it have to be so specific? People obsess about this rule more than any other. whilst other need 60 days! The truth is. 129 . some need a month. Some people need 21 days to separate fully from their partner. The truth is.Your Questions And Unresolved Fears Q. They’ll feel ready to talk to their ex with a clear head after a week or so. there is no exact science when dealing with ‘No Contact’ (we are dealing with love. I even encourage you to be the first to reach out to him. But give it 21 days at the very least (I recommend AT LEAST 21-30 days as the ballpark figure for most people). of course. and I encourage you to get back to him if he does reach out. A guy may not have reached out simply because he is too proud or is scared of how he’s going to feel about getting back in touch with you. your temptation will be to contact your ex WAY too soon simply because you miss his voice.130 M at t h e w H u s s e y The reason I use 21 days is because without a definite figure in mind. It doesn’t mean you should get lost in LONG. as someone who is not needy but positive without emotionally blowing up about the relationship. not in the slightest. He may even be unsure of whether you’ll respond positively or negatively and be put off by the uncertainty. and this leads many people to push hard early on and use their ex as a crutch. Then are. he’ll want to respond and see how you are. As long as you reach out in the way explained in the programme. some guys who will text you very quickly during the No Contact period. instead of truly moving on first and being able to attract him once again. Guys can vary greatly in the way they deal with the aftermath of a relationship. . Q 2. or even more time is appropriate. If he doesn’t reach out at all during the No Contact period does that mean he doesn’t care about me? No. and as I mention in the programme. So perhaps for you a month. After that you should feel comfortable getting in touch with your ex again. Remember. If you follow the No Contact rule correctly. “I just saw a trailer for Dumb and Dumber 2! I can’t wait!” . not the other way around! If you ignore him completely in this time you can damage the potential for any future relationship. you won’t seem like a stalker at all.g. By no means should you think that during the ‘No Contact’ period you are required to ignore his texts or phone calls. so I urge you to stay away from these kinds of games. Remember. You are just giving him an opportunity to get back in touch. so they bombard them with messages and then wonder why they run away. The big mistake many women make it trying to rush things and move too quickly to get back their ex. after that time has elapsed there’s no problem pinging your ex a small message to remind him of your presence. No Contact is only about whether you reach out to him. I’m not sure I should be the one who reaches out first. you are only getting in touch with your ex after you have gone nearly a month without initiating contact from your end. Just remember. Shouldn’t I just wait and see if my ex gets back in touch with me? Won’t I seem stalkerish if I send him messages out of the blue after we’ve broken up? No. M at t h e w H u s s e y 131 ENDLESS texting all day with him. All you are doing is ‘testing the waters’ and seeing what comes back. short text which is non- needy but also fun e. That’s why I advocate easing in with a light. as this may reduce his intrigue and attraction to you once he catches up on every tiny thing you’ve been up to since the breakup. you are never really doing the chasing here. Q 3. Just make sure if your ex doesn’t text back. Secretly he’ll want to know EVERYTHING you’ve been up to since the breakup (and you’re not going to reveal all of that right away). and the fact that the contact is light and low-pressure is exactly what will make your ex feel safe about responding to your text. to constantly worry about being seen as desperate and needy. and mystery is your friend right now. you wait a week or so before sending anything else. Always let him have space and he’ll then feel safe about getting in touch. lts a common fear that women are taught. The only thing that is needy is if you immediately pressure him to get back together. In fact. after the No Contact period has finished he’ll actually be happy to hear from you.132 M at t h e w H u s s e y These are only very small steps. You have some mystery on your side now that you’ve been separate for a while. But won’t it just look like I can’t let go? I don’t want to be needy! You are overthinking this. Apart from that. Do not send a message the next day if he doesn’t get back. you sending a message about a spontaneous joke or thought you had is not going to be perceived as needy. What if he’s already seeing other people? Am I the idiot who’s just hanging on? . or if you show you are going to act like a doormat and do just about anything for him to be in your life again. but the truth is neediness is only in the attitude you approach this with. There’s nothing needy about getting in touch to send a fun message to someone you care about who was a big part of your life. Q 5. Q 4. I’ve known couples who have gotten back together after both having dated other people. M at t h e w H u s s e y 133 With regards to the first question. so that you can make a truly informed decision about whether or not to go back. so it’s not always a one-way thing either. For example. but neither does it mean you’re going to sit around being single forever. I even suggest that it’s healthy for you to go on dates when you’re apart from your ex if only to use this opportunity to show yourself there are other people out there. You are moving forward while this is all happening. If you break up. So don’t panic if he goes on a date with someone else. Many people engage in small rebound relationships or flings that can last barely a week. If you come together after both having seen other people and you’re not sure if you can deal with him having slept with someone else. and it’s precisely this that will make your ex WANT to chase you to get you back before you do. You must not panic whatever his decision is. but him sleeping with a close friend of yours may show a complete lack of care on his part and ought to make you realise that this guy is not worried about hurting you and that you should let him go now. you’re technically not together right now and seeing other people (even if for a night or two!) is not a crime. We also have to be careful about being so judgmental about what people do when they are going through loss and turmoil after breakups. him having a fling may not be a big deal for you. this is an issue of figuring out your own personal deal-breakers. It doesn’t mean all is lost. . it’s hard to judge people on what they do or who they see immediately after relationships end. So you’re never really just “hanging on” waiting for him to decide to take you back. The important thing is to make each other feel safe and recognise that you are committed to only each other now you are back together again. It would be crazy to think that EVERY relationship that ends must always be the 100% right thing for everyone . you were incompatible. That’s why a big part of the strategy I advocate is MOVING ON with your life and building a meaningful existence without your ex first. I definitely do NOT want women buying this programme to take a year long strategy to winning back their ex. and I think sometimes we put too much emphasis on everyone needing to be 100% certain at all times.e. possibly even for six months or longer. Relationships are complex things. In reality. Now as I said.134 M at t h e w H u s s e y After you come together again you can have an honest conversation about who you have dated.that would be too easy. and I agree that often that can be a very good one (i. But some relationships end because one of the parties still has growing to do. Sometimes you both won’t be sure the relationship is right until you’re apart for a while. you had different life plans/goals. other times you’ll have that bit of doubt which could be an incitement to change either (a) your relationship. Q 6. sometimes you’ll feel 100% certain. he refused to watch scary movies on Halloween). or (b) your dynamic in the relationship. If he broke things off between us doesn’t that mean it was for a reason? Surely I should want a guy who is certain about me and wants to be all in? Of course all relationships end for SOME reason. and time off of the relationship can be the best way to understand how to work better as a couple. At the very least this will show you whether or not you truly . A guy should be certain about you. M at t h e w H u s s e y 135 can live without this guy (and in many cases. Remember. You also need to make sure you both truly want to be back together and to work on things in the future. You’re allowed to both have made mistakes the first time around. If he’s unwilling to acknowledge the mistakes. True. But at least after the second time around you’ll know for sure that you didn’t make a mistake in parting ways and can move on with certainty for the future. Which is why before you get back together you need to discuss clearly what went wrong and what you both need going forward. but you need to be certain that these are things you want to work on to have a stronger. a guy needs to acknowledge HIS mistakes when you get back with him (assuming he is also responsible for problems in your previous relationship). But here’s the thing. But I don’t believe in shutting off any meaningful relationship just because it broke off . better relationship the second time over. Look at it this way: through this programme you now have a chance to go back and see if things are different. women find that after this they can live without their ex. this is a big red flag and you shouldn’t be back with him (never be with someone who can’t admit their flaws and mistakes). and move on). getting back could lead you down the same road as before.sometimes two people can realise their mistake later. but we all get too proud to go back because we think GOING BACK must mean we’re GOING BACKWARDS in our life. Q 7. You are right. . That’s not always the case. What if he gets back with me now but the old stuff hasn’t changed and he just ends up hurting me all over again? Then YOU are only hurting yourself and being masochistic if you don’t end the relationship after repeating these mistakes. What if he doesn’t get back in touch at all or respond to any of your bait? {MATT . you’ll never work as a team on those issues in the relationship. Personally I think you should only say things in this product that feel totally congruent with your message and what you believe. a guy will want to step up to that challenge.This is the only question i’m still not sure about what to do with after our conversation regarding your concerns about it.136 M at t h e w H u s s e y Although I stress in the programme the need to be casual and fun when attracting your ex again. If you show him you’re a doormat who will do anything to get back with him. However. I do think it has some value as a . If you can both do that and resolve to grow together then you have a shot at creating something new and beautiful by starting again. Do you want to lose it completely? Or maybe alter it a bit when you say it? It’s up to you} I think the general idea has some merit but if you don’t like it we don’t have to use it at all. rather than put this in if it’s something you would rather not defend later on in interviews. That’s why you tell him the way you need things to be from now on and what you need from him . Q 8. and you need to acknowledge that both of you need to do things differently to avoid ending in the same place as before.this goes a long way when you genuinely acknowledge where you were wrong and say sorry). And I understand your reservations about even vaguely endorsing jealousy tactics. it should be said that the decision whether to be back together in a relationship is serious. You also need to humbly admit your own faults and resolve to work on them too (and something you should do earlier on in the process when you write your Goodbye Letter is to apologise if you did anything nasty or showed any inappropriate behaviour during the breakup process .it won’t turn him off .on the contrary. your phone never buzzes to say he’s text back. And it involves harnessing an emotion I warned against using earlier: JEALOUSY. BUT IN NO WAY is this a date. he’ll simply ditch both of you (and then his friend will be pissed at you for . Maybe even go for coffee with one of his friends (as long as you knew that friend well and had an independent friendship with them). I hate to use this. It’s up to you. What then?? Then we resort to a Last Ditch Attempt. If he hasn’t done so. first things first. because it’s totally unnecessary and should never be a substitute for the steps in relation to building your life back and having your ex get back in touch through the methods outlined above. your ex SHOULD at the very least have made contact once after the break up. or with your old mutual friends. M at t h e w H u s s e y 137 “Last Ditch Tactic”. If you imply it’s a date. or worst. Ok. it’s game over. Your ex will hear about it and he’ll either be pissed at his friend for meeting with you which will provoke all kinds of arguments and havoc. or join a couple them on a fun day-trip. What if the worst-case scenario occurs? He doesn’t even try to get in touch during No Contact. Go on a night out with them. OR he’ll think you’re making some desperate ploy to get him angry. If you followed the first two steps exactly as they are laid out above. But one way to elicit a response (if you’re extremely desperate) is to start hanging out with his friends. as long as it doesn’t mean you do malicious or stupid things. When you send him a casual text. Your Goodbye Letter elicits zero response from him. there is one radical plan left. This is ok. and he’ll get back in touch. you are doing it only as friends. Q 9. If you hang out with his friends. Remember. you’ll pique his interest and he’ll be want to send a message. Once your ex sees that his friends are hanging with you. It’s risky. But you can rest easy now that you have done everything in your power to attract him again. and along the way you’ve made incredible changes and improvements that have made you relationship-ready for the truly amazing guy you deserve.) But this is the Last Ditch Attempt for a reason. and it can leave you trapped in your ex’s social web with all the potential awkwardness and problems that it entails (not to mention that it makes it harder for you to move on emotionally when you are in such close proximity to all your ex’s friends). Even if he just hears you went for pizza and a movie with some of his buddies.138 M at t h e w H u s s e y making him lose a buddy). If you followed all the steps completely (and read the accompanying e-book on Re-Building Your Life. If you haven’t changed and shown signs of moving on. he’ll get curious and go crazy wondering about you. you will move on whether or . but if you absolutely HAVE no other way of getting his attention. Your ex doesn’t see himself as ever getting back together and may have insurmountable reasons for ending the relationship. it won’t matter what else you do. your first bet should be to follow all the steps above. this is going to do it. (Remember: You have to follow this PLUS the steps above on growing and rebuilding your life. it’s unnecessary. Obviously if your ex is THAT determined to avoid you at all costs there is simply no sense in pursuing things any further. What if he STILL makes no contact after that? Then you have your answer. he is NOT the man for you. Clearly you found this programme because you have a burning desire to get back with your ex and feel it’s going to make you happy to be with him. Q 10. your friends. your parents. M at t h e w H u s s e y 139 not your ex decides to get back with you. Is getting back with your ex a healthy thing in general? Look. I’m not going to patronize you. A reason that is easy to ignore or shrug off . This programme is about making you fulfilled and helping you get what you need out of your relationships. and clearly this guy is not that person. But how do you know whether those people have your best interests at heart (which they may). as opposed to the it-must-be-right-because-it-soothes-my-immediate- pain type of thinking? It’s hard to know. or whether they are simply telling you the same-old platitude: there’s plenty more fish in the sea? As I said earlier in the programme. the long-term right thing for your life. and many other people will often tell you to move on. Society. You deserve someone who wants to pursue you and love you for who you are. But is it the right thing? Like. The first (and dare I say clichéd) logic is that there was a reason it ended in the first place. there are many reasons NOT to get back with an ex. and here we’re going to explore a few. If your ex has no interest in ever speaking to you again. And that’s why we need a dose of honesty before embarking on some misbegotten venture to pull your ex back into your world. Right now the relationship in your head probably appears like a breezy family photo album. suddenly all those problems seem to solvable. but it becomes dangerous when it’s extended to the point of compelling you to return to something that is destined to be a major disappointment. It may seem as though there are many reasons for breakups.140 M at t h e w H u s s e y now that the bad memories of the relationship have been shrugged off and enveloped in a haze of vague wistful recollections. the bitterness. feel lonely and in emotional pain. This can actually be a pleasant thing when it’s a way of enjoying a modest level of sentimentality about past eras of our life. the bad feelings and petty annoyances. We all tend to idealise romances from the past. and neutralize the most painful moments. we had some problems” you think “but who doesn’t?” Now that you suddenly miss him. The cognitive dissonance that comes from both time elapsing and our desire to be in love and find our ideals can lead us to glorify the best moments even if few and far between. but without those cracks in between within which reside all the problems. I’ll outline these briefly and explain which scenarios are best avoided while trying to get him back. . but they generally fall into one of a few select scenarios. After a bit of time has passed everything seems so logical: “Yea. Full of smiles and holidays and cherished snapshots. And both need to be confronted before getting back together is on the cards: Challenge No. At the most basic level though you have to make a decision: Is this something I am willing to put behind us and move on from without bitterness or anger. and without it fundamentally upsetting my well- being and my feeling of security in the relationship? Challenge No. Let’s say for a moment that the incident was his doing. . or does his mistake indicate a bigger pattern of unacceptable behaviour? This challenge is even tougher. you may be willing to believe that this was a one-off. But are you sure about that? There are very few situations in life where the incident in question happened because of some spontaneous divergence from an otherwise squeaky-clean persona. and that it was you who proceeded to end the relationship. In this scenario you’re challenge is two-fold. not yours. and there is room enough on the subject for an entirely separate programme for those that wish to go down this path. If he screwed up big time or did one thing that hurt you. M at t h e w H u s s e y 141 Scenario 1: It ended because of an isolated incident Here I’m referring to a one-off event that led to the end of the relationship. 2 = Are you only forgiving one incident. never to be revisited again. 1 = Can it be forgiven? This is not an easy thing. that it’s just an isolated incident for both of you to move on. An obvious example would be that he cheated. It would be natural to assume in such a case that he has been asking for your return and that until this point you have been denying him. or is it a pattern of behaviour he has repeated in tiny ways over and over again? Maybe he’s a habitual liar. Notice these things for what they are. Most of the time. or disloyalty. which if arise again.142 M at t h e w H u s s e y They are usually indicative of that person’s reaction to a certain set of circumstances. be REALLY REALLY honest with yourself: Does this seem like a one-off screw up on his part. These incidents may indicate what we commonly call a ‘pattern of behaviour’. If something truly was an isolated incident on his behalf. Perhaps he has a pattern of cruelty. followed by hating yourself for always giving him another chance. it doesn’t means he’s fundamentally going to change who he is. However. which of course would make this programme somewhat redundant. or getting drunk and losing control of himself. Or he regularly criticizes you and knocks your confidence. So before you decide to put the past behind you and forgive a mistake. by all means proceed. and you have the ability and the inclination to forgive and move on with the relationship. A simple yes (accompanied by a new set of standards for the relationship) will do. Even if his emotion and regret are honest. could give rise to the same incident. This will only lead to years of unhappiness and disappointment. and his will is the best in the world. if the relationship ended because of a big incident. and don’t rationalize or excuse his behaviour. the behaviour won’t change just because he says he’s sorry and feels remorseful about what he did (which he probably will). If this isn’t . and he’s not trying to get you back. *BIG WARNING . even if you get your ex back you’ll be setting yourself up for misery and resentment later on. The fundamental rule is this: Don’t change something to get him back that wouldn’t benefit you even if you didn’t get him back. If you are ever concerned about your partner’s leaning towards violence or abuse. M at t h e w H u s s e y 143 the case. in the long-run.In the case of physical abuse (or the threat of it). If you are changing in a way that hurts you or goes against your principles. By not pursuing your forgiveness and reconciliation he’s already showing his lax attitude towards your old relationship. which doesn’t bode well for a new one. or didn’t have. the onus is on both of you to guide him toward forgiveness and to convince him that whatever you did will not recur a second time around. leave and never go back* What if you were the one responsible for the bad behaviour? – Three Steps For Reconciliation So what if it was a trait you had. you must always operate a strict ‘NO SECOND CHANCES’ policy. . This is your number one maxim that you must always stick to. If you acted out in a bad way. proceed with caution. that had him breaking up with you? In that case you must take full responsibility for something you need to change. Communicating it won’t happen again But there is also a third: c. It would be one thing if he were begging for you back and promising change. get forgiveness and promise never to do it again. it is rarely enough to say sorry.144 M at t h e w H u s s e y Though the scope of this programme is dedicated to a quick and immediate solution for getting your ex back. Scenario 2: It ended because of a habit he had. We already mentioned how one-off incidents are often part of a ‘pattern of behaviour’ linked to a deeper character flaw. Making him feel like your number one priority This last one is essential in the process. If the relationship ended because of something you generally didn’t like about his personality you are treading into very dangerous territory in trying to get him back. The first two I have already outlined. It’s quite another for . but nevertheless. How to communicate this is perhaps another subject for a further and more extensive programme. if you are the one who make the mistake. you must resolve to show them again that they have place of priority in your life (and likewise: don’t take back a guy who shows anything less). Let’s move onto scenario two. Forgiveness b. Something more is required to make the betrayed partner feel significant again. If we take the earlier example of cheating. there are three important factors in dealing with this first scenario I have just outlined. being: a. e. your assumption that he ‘might have’ will make you the fool who gets burnt again. and it’s just as likely that your wanting to go back is a product of forgetting – or ignoring – the reason it ended in the first place.or not dating around and arriving at the absurd notion that they have no other options. forgetting the bad parts of the relationship) + Feeling Lonely (i. finding no-one else) = I WANT HIM BACK! And this screaming cry of: “I want him back!” or “I made a mistake!” usually comes from a place of despair and frustration.e. time can have a profound impact on our recollection of a relationship. only this time you won’t be able to make him the enemy. because the enemy will have been you for going back in the first place. It’s accompanied by the absurd panic that you’ll never ever find another person like him again (which is an extra crazy thought if he was the . Once you’ve spent enough time dating around and ‘finding no one quite like him’ . Let me save you the time and trouble: He hasn’t! At the very least.I always wonder if people include the worst parts of the their ex here . So we could express the Formula for the “I’ll Never Find Another You” Trap like this: Time Passed (i. But time isn’t the only thing that will have you ignoring a trait you didn’t like in him back then. M at t h e w H u s s e y 145 you to be trying to get him back with the hope that “maybe he’s changed”. As I said before. It’s also a product of loneliness. and very often leads women away from a new ideal relationship with their ex. The reason it’s absurd is because if you found a great relationship before. is to create more options with men and remind yourself just how much choice you actually have. whilst mounting feelings of insecurity and low esteem. there are two great antidotes to these feelings of insecurity and loneliness. Loneliness. Finding a great guy who makes you happy isn’t like winning the lottery. in which case you should never want someone like that again anyway!). where the lucky result could never be reproduced in this lifetime. but the sort of on-off sleeping together arrangement that periodically attempts and fails to bury those feelings of loneliness. On a side note. And when that starts dropping. My personal trainer recently remarked to me that when people get to the third repetition of an exercise they often proclaim they cannot do it. This thought of “I’ll never find someone like you” is an irrational trap that people fall into every time. his simple response: “Of course you can. you can do it again. The first and more superficial of the two. If the heartbroken-newly-single woman in despair put the same amount of time and energy finding someone new as she did chasing her ex she would be astonished with the number of options there really are. It’s precisely this effect that has you going back to someone that you know deep down won’t give you what you want. . and rejection from elsewhere can have a dramatic impact on our self-esteem.146 M at t h e w H u s s e y one who screwed the relationship up with his shitty behaviour. you just did it two times”. our standards do too. now would be a good time to go and get my programme Attract Any Man to accompany this programme. which I typically refer to as CORE CONFIDENCE. If you haven’t’ got the slightest clue how you could create an island full of men to choose from. Your reliability in measuring the merits of each man would be restored. If he threatened to leave the island you could be forgiven for feeling desperate at the thought of losing him. It is this . It’s true that this strategy is only as good as the options you have right now. Our innate need for connection and intimacy can have this distorting effect. You can find it at www. and not sustainable for the long term. If I put you on an island with one man. but it’s certainly effective in the short term.howtogettheguy. your sense of perspective would be restored and two things would happen. before long he’ll start looking attractive regardless of whether he’s your type or meets your standards. Even if your aim is to get your ex back. and the false sense of comfort that comes with it. and a sense of inner peace would arise from knowing the fate of your happiness doesn’t rest with one person. M at t h e w H u s s e y 147 It’s a surefire way to redirect focus away from your ex and put things in proper perspective. four new men are introduced to the island. knowing how to create choice with men will restore your sense of calm and ultimately make you far more attractive to your old love than coming to him as your only hope.com/attractanyman. If however. Remember: A lack of an immediate easy options is a poor excuse for going back to someone you know is wrong for you. The very thing that keeps you from finding other options is the over reliance on the guy you had before. The second antidote is to create a genuine deep sense of self worth. The logic is simple. Trying to get closure on a situation that was wrong for you regardless is pointless.ten fold. However.howtogettheguy. This isn’t something I can give you in some condensed online training programme. The victory of knowing you could have him again is a shallow one that comes from insecurity. in your case. or just to enjoy the buzz of attention from having them fall for you again. you’ll find out that you are just trying to get back with your ex to prove that you can. This five-day process takes place on my retreat programmes which I run only a couple of times of the year for a select group of women who pass an interview with my experts to make it onto the programme. you are also wasting your time. I beg you. close this document immediately (or turn it off if you’re listening) and get on with your life. If your self-worth is derived from your ability to ‘win’ back your ex. The path to getting back your ex. stop right now. If you feel you are trying to get back with him to gain some form of closure. it will change your entire approach to relationships and increase the attraction you receive from men . To find out more about this programme and book an appointment to speak to one of my experts go to www. One more thing on this… when you’re really honest with yourself.148 M at t h e w H u s s e y feeling of worth above all else which gives you the strength to reject bad behaviour.com/ retreat. or have sex with them again. is a road that should remain untraveled. stop putting men on a pedestal and allow you to proceed in your love life without the crippling fear of rejection.both old and new . . once you do undertake it. What more do you need than knowing that there are better men out there for you? The details aren’t always as important as people think. It’s instilled in you by a process that takes me five days to accomplish. it would be remiss of me to ignore it. You also have the advantage that you don’t need to make a point of going out of your way to arrange to see him. Every principle I have stated in this programme holds true for this case too. you don’t quite get the same before and after effect as you would if he hadn’t seen you for three months. I do want to warn you though. you will naturally have opportunities to see him and recreate the spark without looking like you are even trying. Since circumstances may in some cases dictate that your ex is in some way part of your ongoing schedule. you have the ability to show him in real time how your life is being updated. you may . There are certain advantages of being able to go away and work on yourself in private without having to bump into someone each day or each week. meeting new people. How do the 5 Steps apply if I bump into my ex a lot? I’ve made the assumption for the majority of this programme that you are seeing your ex again having not had them in your everyday life since you parted ways. enjoying yourself. and turn a new leaf without him seeing you in the interim stages. This alone can be enough to attract someone back as they see you become stronger. either through work or mixing in the same circle of friends. The major difference is that you don’t have the separation to be able to go away. Since he is seeing you regularly. more independent and more challenging. He’s more likely to hear about the stories second hand. update your life. or even see them first hand. You do have two advantages though. make changes. In other words. M at t h e w H u s s e y 149 Q 11. He will get wind of you going out. depressed or anxious. He gets to see you show up with a positive demeanor each day. right now if you feel that you can’t be around him without being jealous. crazy. and he keeps telling you “he just wants fun” and doesn’t want anything serious. If you want to be in a relationship. and he is continually evasive and cagey whenever the conversation in relation to being together again comes up. or even better. so don’t betray yourself by attempting to keep him in your routine before you are ready for it. all you are showing by continuing to sleep with him is that he can be physically intimate whenever he likes with you but never has to make any emotional investment. If you are regularly having sex. and potentially. a night of passionate. What if you are sleeping with your ex periodically? Does that change things? What should I do in this case? This is a tricky one. It’s much harder to get over someone or build yourself up when they are still in your presence. . This will work in your favour (it keeps him off-balance for one thing). find some new friends. If you haven’t slept with your ex at all. Especially if it happens as a one- off and you then go back to moving on with your life and don’t immediately try to get back together with him. Q 12. see them when he’s not around. You’ll appreciate the new networks they’ll bring. the new guys. so be it.150 M at t h e w H u s s e y want to go out of your way to create some space before seeing him again. wild sex is not a bad thing at all. Just having sex with him alone won’t bring you closer to him in the way that you want to be closer to him. But here’s the thing. this is a sign you should back away and reduce physical intimacy with him. and will make him want to see you again when he realises what he’s missing. If he has the same friends as you. but I’m assuming you bought this programme because you want a serious relationship with him again. In fact. there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with someone casually when the two people involved both want it to be casual. Sex on its own is not going to achieve that. But when one person wants a lot more and has settled for being casual. Meanwhile the lack of commitment still leaves him with the freedom to go out and meet other people. and because you have the hope that what you have with him is leading somewhere. he’s learning that investing less is actually rewarding him. I call this situation the Ex-trap. he will also find himself respecting you less. Then your Perceived Value in his eyes begins to drop. It’s far more likely that it will send him a clear message that he can both have you. and pursue other options at the same time without having to sacrifice anything. both because your needs are being half-met. It gives him everything and leaves you without your needs being met to your satisfaction. your desire for connection elsewhere diluted. Your ex strings you along just enough that you don’t feel the need to go out and meet other people. M at t h e w H u s s e y 151 That’s all well and good if all you want is to be physical and sleep with your ex again. There’s no Perceived Challenge (an essential part of our attraction formula from earlier) because he doesn’t have to do anything to earn that intimacy with you. . it results in much more pain down the line. And since he’s likely to be aware of the fact that you would like something more than what you are getting. Look. because he sees you disrespecting yourself by settling for less than you deserve. It’s highly unlikely that your sleeping with him is going to make him wake up one day and say to himself “I have to commit to this woman”. whilst further showing him how many steps backwards he is about to take. But the reality is that he needs to feel the effects of having lost you. and see that he has to behave a certain way to get you back. . and at least if you’re close to him you’re more likely to know what’s going on and be able to influence him. There are plenty of people out there I could be having a relationship with that is much more rewarding than something that doesn’t have a direction and isn’t as special because it’s not exclusive. Let’s just see each other as friends from now on. but you worry that if you’re not sleeping with him someone else might be. You are denying him that chance by giving in to his short-term demands. because rather than saying “it’s not fair on me for us to keep sleeping together” – something which implies you are the victim in the situation because you want it more than he does – you are taking power back and expressing your options with other people.152 M at t h e w H u s s e y If you are in this situation. because not only do you want to be close to him. and making clear that he’s not satisfying you. The idea of the two of you just being friends will be something he will hate. especially if he’s used to having much more than that. We can still flirt a little so don’t be sad : )” I particularly love this language and tone. simply say to him: “Look as much as I love spending time with you I’m not interested in casually sleeping together the way we are now. I know it’s hard. It’s a great way to increase your value and the challenge elements at the same time. It’s not something that really does anything for me when there’s no meaning to the situation. and your acknowledgement that you can still flirt with each other is your way of saying that you don’t take him (or yourself ) too seriously. And why is that exactly? Because you’ll decide to stop trying? What did you have to do in the first place to get this person? Either you got him by being proactive – talking to men. then I’m not worried about you.or you got him by sheer luck. If you were proactive before. someone just became attracted to you without you having to do very much. M at t h e w H u s s e y 153 Q 13. Doing . and that was how you got your ex. If someone was attracted to you it means that many people could be attracted to you. It is what fuels our goals and ambitions – the desire to strive for something that makes us grow and become more of the person we want to be. congratulations. Even if the case of sheer luck I’m guessing you still had to leave the house one day in order for him to be able to see you for the first time. The point is: if you did it before. To think otherwise would be completely illogical and stupid. flirting. making yourself emotionally available . Now imagine how many people you could choose from if you actually proactively started seeking them out. The most important aspect of goals is that they stretch us and change who we become for the better. or your friend set you up with him. If in the second instance you really found yourself doing nothing proactive. You can do it all over again by following the same formula. I’m worried I’ll never find anyone I love again. he just saw you one day and did the work for you. The difference between Want and Need I was once told that there is a difference between wanting something and needing something. you just haven’t met them yet. and I wouldn’t dare suspect you of being that. Wanting something is a healthy quality in the right doses. you can do it again. The game is still creating a life you love. Yes but Matt I’m older now. you would not be able to go on. These stories control whether we feel that our world is coming to an end. and no matter how much men ‘text’ instead of calling these days. no matter how many new apps and dating sites are invented. sharing it with people in conversation and being eager to hear about theirs. it doesn’t mean you NEED him as an essential. or just beginning. just because you WANT your ex back. It implies that without the result. Always conveniently timed to get someone off the hook at the precise moment they need an excuse for inaction or passing the buck. . Q 14. forgive me for not taking it seriously. the age excuse. we all are. If you were with your ex for a couple of years and are now using the age excuse. Remember. If you were in a relationship for 10+ years and are now over a decade later saying that in your new age category you will not find someone. When we feel we NEED something that we have lived without in the past. I’m not who I was the first time around…: Ah yes. and this is so much more important than WHAT you get by doing them. You’re aging? Good.154 M at t h e w H u s s e y hard things makes you better. let me reassure you. that it is as vital as the air you breathe. It’s no more complex than that. irreplaceable component of your happiness and self-esteem. not so much has changed. it is because we are telling ourselves any number of stories about this situation. The difference with Need is that it focuses on having to achieve the result at all costs. Building a great life and bringing new people into it is one of life’s great pleasures whether it brings the love of your life or not. If you weren’t getting fed today I can tell you it wouldn’t be long before you went out and found a meal so that you could satisfy your hunger. You’ll be living. but they can damn well be attractive to their age group. in which there are many men on the opposite side seeking out love. not to mention a little sass. I gave my all and it wasn’t enough. and they wear it with pride and beauty. You won’t be waiting for him to come along. Q 15. To deny yourself the ability to do this would be to deny yourself the experience of truly living. interesting stories. simply begin the process of bringing new men into your life. M at t h e w H u s s e y 155 People who age in a way that exudes the confidence of knowing their way around life. Fortunately none of us have to sit here and wait. Q 16. and you won’t be desperately trying to find a new one either. The good news I have for you is that it will be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life if you go into it with the right attitude. and an unquenchable thirst for experiences never truly suffer from their age. I could be alone for years waiting for someone else to come along Yes of course you could. That’s why we always eat no matter what. The 60 year old may not find themselves the object of the desires of the 25 year old (though don’t always rule it out on a attraction level – confidence and a cheeky demeanor can be a powerful thing). Some of the most attractive women I know are in the later stages of life. so how do I know it’ll be enough for anybody? . If you always want options in your love life. If you gave your absolute best to a business idea that was flawed in the first place. and then resolve not to give their love again. not of the energy being futile in the first place. Many of us don’t give 100% in relationships so that when it goes wrong at least we can tell themselves we didn’t try that hard anyway. . Not everyone will have the right connection with us. but they still didn’t change. That doesn’t mean we spite ourselves and the next person we meet by giving up. Your intimate love isn’t supposed to be right for everybody. giving your all to one person and not getting the same love back is an indication of energy being sent in the wrong direction. That doesn’t mean you aren’t cut out for business. We have to keep going. it just means that their problem was bigger than your influence at that point in time. if only for the reason that being a loving person who gives our all is something we are.156 M at t h e w H u s s e y It’s extremely common in love for people to give a huge amount to somebody. If one of your family needed to change and you gave them all the support and love you could to help them. But this is an absurd assumption. In a relationship. We are all afraid that on some level we are not enough. the business would be unlikely to work no matter what you did. it can feel like our all isn’t enough. it’s supposed to be right for those whom you could have a true connection with. get hurt by that person. But when we truly give our all and somebody doesn’t reciprocate. it would mean your love wasn’t important or worthy. and have the ability to give it back. not just something we do when it’s easy. and not everyone has the ability to give it back. it just means that your energy was directed in the wrong place. or leaves. because nothing could be more attractive than someone who is investing in a relationship from a place of strength.” This suggests solitude is as important. It’s about you. In fact it’s incredibly important.that is what you must be able to attain…It is good to be solitary. In his book Letters To A Young Poet. for the tiniest outward agreement with the first person who comes along. When you feel the pain of being alone it will not have to be a bad pain. I’ll never be able to cope with life on my own If you want your ex back right now because you are afraid of being alone. but it is precisely in being alone that we learn how to cope. It is precisely these moments where we allow ourselves to grow from within. dear sir. instead of fear. you will be 100x more equipped for a relationship. at least we know it’s not about your ex. M at t h e w H u s s e y 157 Q 17. . difficult to bear. To walk inside yourself and meet no one for hours . This is a feeling you would get no matter who the person is. if not more at certain points in our life. heavy. vast inner solitude. And once you have come out the other side. You may wonder how you are going to cope on your own. and almost everyone has hours when he would gladly exchange it for any kind of sociability. just the pain of adapting to a situation that scared you. which means we need to work on that before you get back with your ex or find anyone else. love your solitude and bear with sweet-sounding lamentation the suffering it causes you. It is necessary. for solitude is difficult. the most unworthy…What is necessary. Being alone can be one of the most rewarding experiences of life. Rainer Maria Rilke writes on the importance of solitude and being alone: “There is only one solitude. that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it…Therefore. as being around people. is only this: solitude. after all. however trivial or cheap. and it is vast. new sources of joy and beauty. all of which serve us in the next chapter of our lives. It is filled with experience.158 M at t h e w H u s s e y Q 18. it is part of the beautiful tapestry of our lives. it’s a part of not wanting to let go. bringing new adventures and challenges. That does not mean there is nothing to mourn about the last one. . One ending experience makes way for another beautiful experience to begin. or a job. new experiences and new lessons. I promise. learning and memories. There are too many things to experience in life to spend it all worrying about what’s lost. But you will overcome this feeling too. to be human. It’s understandable that after spending so much time and energy on one person you want it to ‘pay off ’. and the one that all brave people must ask. But that isn’t how life works. The time we spend is never wasted. I can’t think about them with someone else… Ah. It can feel like you’ve gone so far down a road that to lose it now would be a waste of all those years. Q 19. Remember that there have been times before in your life where you mourned the ending of an era. or a place you lived. Every experience that ends in our life can bring on some sadness in seeing it go. Not only is this a natural feeling. or a friend. a lover…and remember how life renewed itself each time. But too many people dwell so much on the sadness that they never lift their gaze to see the beauty that waits for them ahead. I’ve invested so much time and energy in this person. What is next to be found? That is the big question. Maybe it was leaving school. How can I give up now? I’ve come across this a lot during my coaching sessions. That he exists and you became attracted to him is simply evidence that people like him DO exist. They were the best person I’ve ever met. and the same feelings will return. and they will pass. I’ll never find anyone else like them Actually. just as they have with every other partner you’ve had in the past. Relationships are created in the world for people who get out there. you will find this feeling begin to drift into the distance. It also proves that someone like that CAN be attracted to you. Knowing that these feelings can arrive again with the next person you desire is the key to overcoming them in the present. every single day. take chances and put themselves on the line. and hold onto something pure. Q 20. Make no mistake. It has the ability to attach itself to the next person you develop feelings for in exactly the same way. and that you CAN become attracted to them. more like a distant memory of a feeling you once had. I have coached . Remember that you will be attracted to those same qualities in new people in the future. All of these things are important. and be attached. Life moves us on to the next experience. They can be so bad we wonder how we are to be expected to bear the pain. M at t h e w H u s s e y 159 These feelings feel their worst when our focus on that one person is at its peak. this feeling too will repeat itself. and you meet new people. you will likely forget about having felt it for anyone else and they will feel fresh all over again. they are natural. because they remind you that it wasn’t mere luck. They are human feelings. As time moves on. and realize the new encounters you yourself are to have. which is beautiful in it’s own way. and when it does. it’s highly likely you will find someone else like them. It acts as a reminder of how much you are able to love. becoming less and less intense. It’s also true that although we don’t always find people with the exact qualities as someone we’ve had in the past. If you followed and continue to follow the steps in this programme you will have learnt about attraction on a far deeper level. And when they do it shocks them to find that the feeling wasn’t lost. created new opportunities and learnt how to turn a new page. It’s ok to want it to work out. Now we’d be fools not to acknowledge that you’re likely to run into some guys who will be everything you don’t want. you will have taken on some of the hardest truths about relationships and come out stronger knowing how to deal with the negative thoughts and vulnerabilities that come with them. we often find that the next person brings something completely new to the table. only to find that they do.160 M at t h e w H u s s e y thousands of women who never believed they could feel a certain feeling again. One Final Thing: You can’t lose! There is nothing I have given you in this programme that would be a waste of time if you didn’t get your ex back. Different isn’t always a bad thing. it was just waiting for them to find it again. It’s worth noting that however great you thought your ex was. the guy you end up with. will have chosen to be with you. The idea that this one man from your past is the only one who can make you happy is simply not true. I hope I don’t need to restate this. but there are more incredible men out there than you could hope to date in 1000 lifetimes. and all the while you will have continued the process of meeting new people that could be the next love of your life. you will have learnt about yourself. unlike your ex. but know . That’s just part of meeting people. you will have worked on your life. he has that much on his side. Oh and one last thing on this. and overcome them to become even stronger than before. or perhaps for the first time. M at t h e w H u s s e y 161 that if it doesn’t you will find happiness again with somebody else. Perhaps you’ll find it easier to imagine it this way: You are the business. You will create wonderful life. it will never be wasted. When people go through a breakup. The world is yours to enjoy. beautiful you. not the other way around. the often anticipate that they will not be able to overcome the pain. that you are your greatest asset. That you have discovered again. Wonderful. The men in your life will always be a symptom of your wonderful life. and becoming all that you can become. just as you have the ability to leave them. If there is any pain you are feeling right now I want you to know that you are more resilient than you even know. One of the common by-products of a wonderful life is the people who want to be part of it. or even several people. We overestimate how hard and for how long a negative situation will affect us. No matter how you part ways. The men in your life are the revenue. But there is something that should always give you comfort. If you dedicate your life to being the best you can be. Studies have proven that human beings have what is called immune neglect: this means we forget just how good our psychological immune system is at recovering from the effects of what we perceive as a negative life- change. My primary aim for this programme is to make you have realize that the power lies with you. you always get you in the deal. Anyone has the ability to leave you. Revenue can go . and you are free to enjoy it in a series of infinite adventures that now stretch out before you. But these studies have proven that we underestimate how quickly we will adapt to new circumstances. but as long as the business remains. you will have the confidence that comes with knowing you have choice. regardless of whether you get your ex back. is one of the many avenues you could go down to in your life.162 M at t h e w H u s s e y up. you always know you can replicate a result again. . Let this be a pressure valve any time you feel yourself trying to will it too much. because you really never are. And remember. and no single man can ever make you feel alone again. This man that you sat through this programme for. there are many great people out there that could make you just as happy. Keep that knowledge with you at all times. He is by no means the only avenue. When you realize just how many others there are out there. and you never will be. it can go down.