S I L H O U E T T EI know my city can neither handle me nor ignore me: Rituparno Ghosh in conversation with Kaustav Bakshi Note of the Interviewer: Although the conversation with Rituparno Ghosh recorded below takes the form of a formal interview, the exchanges did not necessarily take place in the order they appear here. What appears here is actually a collage of the snippets of conversations I have had with him over a period of time. We’ve often resorted to the vernacular in several occasions, quite naturally; therefore, in many cases, the responses of the director have been rewritten by me. Kaustav Bakshi: You have often claimed Satyajit Ray to be your mentor…I distinctly remember one article of yours titled “Takey obhibabok bolbo na keno”? But would you consider yourself as belonging to the Ray gharana? Or would you see yourself sustaining a genre of Bengali cinema popularized by the likes of Ajay Kar, Arabinda Mukhopadhyay, Tapan Sinha and Tarun Majumdar? Rituparno Ghosh: It was Ray who inspired me to become a filmmaker. I do not know whether my films appear to be like those of Ajay Kar or Tapan Sinha; if they do, well, the likeness was unintended. But, yes, I definitely enjoy Ajay Kar or Tarun Majumdar’s films. In fact, I am quite fond of Kar’s Saat Paake Bandha, which is remarkably different from any other film of his oeuvre. Perhaps, a shadow of this film is discernible in Unishe April. But again, the story of Unishe April was largely inspired by Ray’s Jalsaghar. I was watching the film on Doordarshan, when the story idea of Unishe April came to me. You know, watching a film on television can change your response to it; for television facilitates a more intimate viewing, and a more intimate connection with the characters in the film. To a large extent, my experience of watching Jalsaghar on television made me read the film in a new light: I saw the film as a man’s much-cherished relationship with his mansion. Almost immediately, the idea of a story with a retired dancer as protagonist and her intimate relationship with her house came to my mind. The character of the daughter, which eventually superseded the mother, was conceived much later. Kaustav Bakshi: The title of the film Unishe April is rather unusual. Did you choose 19th April keeping in mind that on this very date Rabindranath’s ‘Notun Bouthan’, Kadambari Debi attempted suicide, given that your Page 1 of 12 the choice of the month of April had a lot to do with the fact that we have Kalbaishakhi in the evenings. I could not make them believe that at that time my knowledge of foreign films was negligible and I had never watched Autumn. when people said that Unishe April was inspired by Autumn Sonata. although. such a choice of title! Kaustav Bakshi: I believe the Kalbaishakhi acted as pathetic fallacy too. that is. 19 would become 20… both the digits change…this would hammer in the idea of a fresh beginning altogether. both the digits of which would change to signify the beginning of a new day. owing to the fact that people have time and again compared it with Unishe April. Therefore. Can you believe that I got introduced to Marlon Brando through DVDs? These days. Indian cinema. Unishe April had none of the complexities of Autumn Sonata. however. In fact. how do you react to people who find echoes of Autumn Sonata in Unishe April? Rituparno Ghosh: You know. Kaustav Bakshi: I guess every interviewer wants to know how you manage to transform just anybody into an actor. A sort of mental block has developed towards this film. In fact. as in. sweeping away the old and the decayed and facilitating regeneration… Rituparno Ghosh: That may be a possible interpretation. the calendar played a very important role in the film. Kaustav Bakshi: But. but. I remember going for an English movie and simultaneously imagining a scene when I could not clearly make out what the actors were possibly saying. at that time I was not aware that it was on 19th April that Kadambari Debi had attempted suicide and died two days later. Kaustav Bakshi: You have often said that you have grown up on home-turf. I had major problem with the accent. The role of the rain and storm was also important in the film. Is there a particular way of dealing Page 2 of 12 . I got acquainted with Hollywood much later. I have not been able to watch this film properly. Remember? I wanted a date. I did not think of this symbolic dimension of the storm.S I L H O U E T T E protagonist makes a similar attempt? Rituparno Ghosh: Not at all. I did not feel like watching these films when they released in the theatres and sadly. I sincerely believe. I chose number 19 for a completely different reason: see. till date. and are not quite well-versed in Euro-American cinema. the feeling with which the film closes. Rituparno Ghosh: True. honestly. Honestly. Again. I have been watching all the films of select actors and directors of Hollywood in the order they were made. there were no subtitles in those days. I put this to use. that she is enjoying them. Initially. Rituparna (Sengupta) never comes to me with any baggage of her stardom. I had told her to emulate Bhanu Bandopadhyay. I have worked with Raima (Sen) in a quite a few films. She has a tremendous confidence in her looks. so. stars who are not great actors. She intently listens when I read her the script and reacts like an audience. so she finds it difficult to rise from a sitting position and limps for a while before regaining normal posture (at this point he rises and shows me the kind of walk he wanted Kirron Kher to walk). once Shabana Azmi told me that it’s a rare quality to surrender to the director completely. Anyway. Completely different methods. Had she known Bengali. It’s easy to mould her for any character. Actually. And there’s nothing belittling about that! In fact. Kaustav Bakshi: I was particularly struck by Rakhi Gulzar’s performance in Shubho Maharat! Rituparno Ghosh: You know Rakhi Gulzar is never fastidious about makeup. Rakhi di was out of touch with Bengali cinema for quite some time. to serve and she eats very neatly…it is quite obvious. Kaustav Bakshi: Which actor did you find most comfortable to work with? Rituparno Ghosh: I would say I was very comfortable working with Kirron Kher. I would have cast her many more times. Kirron amazed me! She picked up the walk instantly. However. I had noticed something about Rakhi di: you have to give her a lot of business in order to make her perform well. it was difficult to think of her as Kirron Kher. I told her that Banalata is growing old and has developed a joint pain.S I L H O U E T T E with actors? I mean how do you handle established stars who are hugely talented. She is a director’s actor. This helped me a lot to give her the look of Rangapishima. but the moment she changed into the sari. I acted out the scenes and she emulated me almost perfectly. newcomers and child artistes? Do you apply different methods for each of these categories? Rituparno Ghosh: Of course. She does not like being directed as such. if you see her at all these activities. She used to come to the sets in western wear. I had to just tell her what I wanted and she delivered it almost effortlessly. she could not really fathom what I meant. Of the younger breed of actors who do you find easy to direct? Rituparno Ghosh: It’s very easy to work with Konkona (Sen Sharma). Rangapishima’s affection for her niece or her Page 3 of 12 . She loves to cook. and then brings in her own potentiality to the performance and she delivers perfectly more often than not. Kaustav Bakshi: You seem to have a magic wand with which you can extract the best performance from your actors. belong to the same category of actors. what made you apologize when a section of the middle class Bengali audience expressed their discomfort in experiencing sexually explicit scenes in Antarmahal? Rituparno Ghosh: Well. rather you have unpretentiously portrayed sex. As for Tumpa (Sudipta). recall that sequence from Debi…I want that kind of a reaction). There’s a scene in Shubho Maharat where after a bath she comes and sits on the bed. I guess Rinku di. Rinku di.S I L H O U E T T E friend came out through her intimate engagement with cooking and serving food. as you usually do with a child. Kaustav Bakshi: What about child artistes? Both Hirer Angti and Khela had children as protagonists. Kaustav Bakshi: Let me shift to a different issue: in your films. tui Debi r omuk sequence ta mone kor…ami thik orokom chaichhi! (Rinku di. This makes them feel important and they deliver wonderfully. Water is dripping from her hair. I have discovered that there’s a way of directing her. I have always treated them like adults. I told her. I never pamper them into delivering. and then the dubbing artistes imitate me. Kaustav Bakshi: And. Sharmila Tagore? Rituparno Ghosh: Rinku di (Sharmila Tagore) is a very sophisticated and sensitive person. Most of the posters featured close- Page 4 of 12 . and they were very good. I had asked her not to bring into her dialogue delivery any insinuation of her singer’s voice! And she did a marvelous job. You have never used metaphors in such scenes. I was never apologetic about the content of the film. Kaustav Bakshi: How do you direct dubbing artistes? Sudipta Chakraborty’s voice-acting in Chokher Bali is still talked about… Rituparno Ghosh: I usually do the dubbing myself. physical relationship has always played an important role. Amit da (Amitabh Bachchan) and Reena di (Aparna Sen). Her confinement to the domestic space was also thereby established. How did you handle them? Rituparno Ghosh: I have never treated a child like a child. Then. in order to draw an emotion in a given scene. I had simply asked her to speak like me with intonations of an adolescent girl. all of them. I was barely present at the time she dubbed. In case of Monali Thakur (Noukadubi). I apologized for the miscommunication…I mean none of the posters hinted at the mature content of the film. You have to refer to sequences from other films she has acted in. An important conversation with her husband ensues. the creaking sound the bed makes every time the protagonists make love? Rituparno Ghosh: Yes. Aditi took away the sympathy of the audience…the so-called Bengali middle class audience. it becomes alarming. simply because I was working with a Tagore novel. all that. you understand which section of audience I am referring to? Kaustav Bakshi: But. because Sarojini did not feel victimized as a widow. didn’t your Chokher Bali prepare this section of the audience for Antarmahal? I mean the former had explicit love-making scenes and more importantly a poignant scene where Binodini menstruates! Rituparno Ghosh: Yes. which section do you exactly refer to? For example. Had Sarojini played up her widowhood in the conventional way. I even made her wear a mangal-sutra. if you remember. this was a mistake. Kaustav Bakshi: When you say ‘Bengali middle class audience’. It’s even better if you can represent sex figuratively than literally. Sarojini was always decked up. I thought it was one of the most unpretentious renditions of physical desires in Bengali cinema. Perhaps. Almost simultaneously another film Bibor was also released. Kaustav Bakshi: But. As long as you romanticize about sex it’s not so disconcerting. I was not disturbed by Antarmahal at all. Page 5 of 12 . I did not want the posters to be sexually provocative. This could cause a great deal of confusion. particular about her make-up and accessories. Rituparno Ghosh: Well. was overlooked. I mean a sort of brutality that underlies it. But the moment you unravel the crudity associated with it. The sexual explicitness was tolerated for it was accommodated in the larger context of the novelist’s essential ‘sanctity’. But. They were not prepared for what they saw. but a symbol of marital bliss within certain communities. let me explain.S I L H O U E T T E ups of the four lead actors. a lot of people have raised objections. On the eve of the release of Unishe April I was rather perturbed by the fact whether my audience would at all understand that Sarojini was a widow. Yet. do you think the kind of reaction Antarmahal drew was contingent upon how you represented the crudity of sex? For example. I realized that many could not identify with Sarojini’s plight…I believe. I had completely de-familiarized the image of the traditional widow in cinematic representations. the sympathy would have been equally divided. for the mangal-sutra is not just an ornament. So. When the film released. I guess. In fact. The Bengali middle class audience who went for the film with family (especially kids) was terribly disturbed. The pre-release promos and the posters were all suggestive of an ‘adult’ content. and not a divorcee. there wasn’t any point of making Noukadubi after having made Chokher Bali. In the Indian context. Kaustav Bakshi: I think that the liberty you took with Chokher Bali was more admirable. The way I have essayed the role made me appear like a surrogate woman…not a man! In that case. in any case. isn’t it extremely difficult to think outside the patriarchal heteronormative model? Rituparno Ghosh: Absolutely. Kaustav Bakshi: I guess in Ar Ekti Premer Golpo too this was very much evident. And the rebellion she puts up is symbolized by the repetitive use of the colour ‘red’. I call my films womanist. The possibility of exploring the sexual relationships was much more in Chokher Bali. it Page 6 of 12 . but they didn’t. Rituparno Ghosh: Yes. Therefore. Your Binodini is iconoclastic because she mostly speaks through her body. However. In queer relationships too the same power equation that defines a man-woman relationship is discernible. Kaustav Bakshi: In fact. anywhere in the world? Rituparno Ghosh: Right. I feel. Kaustav Bakshi: In queer relationships too.S I L H O U E T T E Kaustav Bakshi: In case of Noukadubi I was half-expecting that Kamala and Ramesh to have a physical relationship. at least in most cases. I wanted to make a very simple film…say. none of them can be called feminist in the strict political sense of the term. but. it’s also the colour of revolt in Chokher Bali. Had a so-called manly man played Abhiroop. It is very difficult to think outside and completely debunk the patriarchal model. what happens in Ar Ekti Premer Golpo is not really very different from what happens in any heterosexual triangle love story. which is. the impact would have been completely different. a far more intriguing and layered novel than the former. all the four lead characters live an ascetic life of sorts. ‘Red’ is not just the colour of passion. not feminist. I guess the film would have been more complex that way… Rituparno Ghosh: I deliberately avoided that. That was intentional. something like Balika Badhu? See. Right? Rituparno Ghosh: I know. She doesn’t subscribe to the patriarchal construction of the woman. for. all your films have conscientiously portrayed women’s desires. Is it impossible to make a radically feminist film in India or say. as I said. But. Let me tell you. However. the actor and the character he plays should not be confused. you believe in inhabiting gender liminality? Rituparno Ghosh: I know many of my viewers apprehend that I might start wearing the sari any day. I remember someone asking me whether I shall ever wear the dhoti-kurta? My answer was I wouldn’t. Therefore. Kaustav Bakshi: There is a particular sequence where Roop insists that Chapal divulge in front of the camera. I felt like guiding Roop…I had developed a strange affection towards him. I felt terribly sad when I had to abandon him. the protagonist. I saw the mistakes I had made when I was of his age. Many felt a lot of your understanding of queer relationships had gone into the making of this film… Rituparno Ghosh: You know Kaushik (Ganguly) had a very romantic understanding of homoerotic love. I mean he made this film out of a sense of deep empathy he felt for queer people. he asks the doctors to remove the breast implant…he chooses to stay the way he is. the person. Kaustav Bakshi: In other words. Kaushik’s approach to Chapal da was very romantic. That’s the best way of celebrating gender fluidity. Rudra. some very personal detail about his sex life.g. He abandons his urge of becoming Surupa…he revels in the in-betweenness. I’ll not wear any gender-determining attire…neither sari nor dhoti-kurta…I shall always go for something in-between. I was already past that phase. I had to bring in my ‘lived’ experience of the same. I shall never wear a sari.S I L H O U E T T E was easier to imagine an effeminate man as the ‘other woman’! Kaustav Bakshi: You have repeatedly claimed that Abhiroop. the protagonist of Ar Ekti Premer Golpo is not Rituparno Ghosh. Chapal refuses and infuriates Roop. is the same true of Chitrangada: the Crowning Wish? Rituparno Ghosh: I wouldn’t say that Rituparno and Roop are completely different persons. Is this particular scene an autoreflexive satire on filmmakers and playwrights (e. True. In case of Chitrangada. Kaustav Bakshi: Let me come back to Ar Ekti Premer Golpo. But it was important to talk about Chapal da’s discomfort in sharing his private life with everybody. Ramanimohan or Sundar Bibir Pala) queuing up to cast Chapal cashing in on his unpretentious admittance of his sexuality? Rituparno Ghosh: I won’t disagree with such an interpretation. in any way. Page 7 of 12 . contemplates sex change. In Roop. In the end however. Kaustav Bakshi: In the light of emerging theories of gender and sexuality. two men cannot adopt a child…so elderly queer people usually have no one to look after them…his/her acceptance in the family is therefore crucial.S I L H O U E T T E Kaustav Bakshi: Till date. Page 8 of 12 . Most queer films end in despair and heartbreak. in Chitrangada Rudra’s parents play a very important role in his journey. In all three films the parents of the queer characters have very important roles. The homoerotic strain is somewhat allayed by Bagha’s abiding fantasy for the princess. at least. I expected you to bring to light the homoerotic dimension in the Mahendra-Bihari relationship. it leaves us doubting whether the marriage was meant to be a normative closure (as in a happy ending) or a second dream narrative takes off at that very point. But in the end. In Ar Ekti Premer Golpo. Kaustav Bakshi: This prompts me to ask you whether a film on same-sex desire can end in the ‘they lived happily ever after’ mode. Another important aspect is that a queer person tends to become lonely as he/she grows old…he/she is compelled to live a single life…in our country. Goopy Gayen Bagha Bayen? Rituparno Ghosh: Well. At least not at this point of time. This shift. when both Goopy and Bagha win the princesses of their dreams. indeed. only three films. In other words. How important is the approval of the family in matters of a person’s sexual leanings or desires? Rituparno Ghosh: The everyday struggle of the queer character must be pitted vis-à-vis the comfort zone inhabited by the heteronormative family. in Memories. the director shifts to colour from blackand-white in which the entire film is shot. If you do that you would be compromising with reality. the possibility of reading the film as a queer text is further reinforced. at least for me. I guess. having queer male characters in lead roles have been made in the Bengali film industry. was deliberate and judicious. a mother gradually comes to terms with her son’s sexuality. Kaustav Bakshi: This reminds me I was a tad disappointed with Chokher Bali. namely Ar Ekti Premer Golpo. They are both ostracized by society and they accidentally meet in the bamboo-clump. Roop calls up his mother every time he feels lonely or let down. many existing literary and filmic texts are being re-read as queer. do Goopy and Bagha really get married or does the union with the princesses happen in their dreams? In this sense. you may read the bond between Goopy and Bagha as queer. For. Memories in March and Chitrangada: The Crowning Wish. For instance. Rituparno Ghosh: I think that is not quite possible. the extra-marital liaisons that took place in that great house also need to be explored…again for instance. But I was under too much pressure. critics have often charged you of over-glamorizing your heroines or overdoing your sets. The Thakurbari way of wearing the sari was quite famous. where homoerotic bonding is no longer suggested. I should have. The same is true of Shribilash-Shachish or Gora-Binay! Kaustav Bakshi: Although you have not really made the homoerotic aspect of the relationship between the male leads obvious. the alleged affair Jyotirindranath had with Noti Binodini…I do not know whether that shall be a part of the film. He never stops visiting Mahendra’s house. for example. you have paraded the male body… Rituparno Ghosh (smiles): Yes…that’s all I could do! Kaustav Bakshi: Chitrangada is your first directorial venture. may be! But. Do we get to see more of such characters in your future projects? Rituparno Ghosh: What is exactly non-normative? Representation of queer lives? No. conscientiously followed intricate beauty regimes. Kaustav Bakshi: Thakurbari reminds me that whenever you have made films based on Tagore texts. That’s one reason. it’s his undying love for Mahendra that brings him back. in fact. I was showing a widow menstruating and was also breaking a number of norms in the film…I thought it would be a kind of overdose for my viewers…I strategically downplayed the homoerotic bit. it is central to the narrative. the latter cannot abandon him. seeking gender reassignment. The fact that Kadambari Debi impersonated male characters in the plays performed privately at Thakurbari also interests me. Did you do that keeping in mind the commercial viability of spectacle? Rituparno Ghosh: Spectacle is an important aspect of cinema. Your protagonist is a non-normative sexual subject. although the hint was clearly there in Tagore. The women of Thakurbari were particularly finicky about the way they dressed. Saratkumari Debi. Again. but nonetheless…all these point towards a remarkable nonnormartivity…one need not always make films on queer characters. But in conceiving Tagore heroines I don’t think I have over-glamorized them. And in Page 9 of 12 . Why do I need to that? As many of you know I plan to make a film on Thakurbari …such a story is also a study in non-normativity…I shall try to capture the ups and downs of a nineteenth century Brahmo family located in a predominantly Hindu neighborhood. A simplistic interpretation of this is Bihari returns again and again for he is too attached to Rajlakshmi and Annapurna.S I L H O U E T T E Rituparno Ghosh: Yes. Although Mahendra insults Bihari time and again. such as Chokher Bali or Noukadubi. is quite close to your heart… The film created a stir for a rather flippant reason…as a film on the much circulated gossip on the Ray-Madhabi affair… Rituparno Ghosh: What pains me is that everybody went berserk trying to find allusions to Ray’s personal life! Most of my viewers missed out on some finer nuances of the film in that mad attempt. Abohomaan…I want to make something different now…let’s see. how was the experience of working on the documentary on Tagore? Did you discover anything in the course of research that made you rethink the documentary? Rituparno Ghosh: What I have always felt about Tagore was that he was infinity incarnate.S I L H O U E T T E any case. I’ve recently reading a book on the gender constructs in the epic…a chapter dealing with Arjun/Brihannala and Amba/Shikhandi. I have already made the films I had always wanted to make: Unishe April. It is absolutely impossible to capture him in one documentary…even ten would not be sufficient. Kaustav Bakshi: Abohomaan. Now on. The Mahabharata has always interested me. from the point of view of two women Binodini and Shikha…both occupying vulnerable positions as actors in a predominantly male world of the stage as well as cinema… although their talents are recognized. the film was denied its due as a work of art. Rabindranath has not left any illustrations of his heroines. has the creative freedom in imagining them his way. Badiwali. therefore. But people were more bothered about the Ray-Madhabi dimension. Kaustav Bakshi: Apart from this new film on Thakurbari. Did you notice Ananya’s first appearance? She comes in when Dipankar De is watching a film on a projector. A director. This very idea was reinforced as I researched for the documentary. what other kinds of projects do we see you undertaking in future? Rituparno Ghosh: See. I want to do new kind of films…In fact. I have a few ideas which need to be executed. from various other interviews you have given. Kaustav Bakshi: I think Abohomaan is one of your best films in the sense that it subtly questions the discourse of women’s liberation. Dosor. I shall be making films that would demand of me painstaking research and serious homework. That way. In fact. I gather. This is a little tribute to one of my favorite directors Guru Dutt! Remember Waheeda Rahman’s first appearance in Kagaz Ke Phool? I was surprised no one wrote about that. Kaustav Bakshi: Well. they remain passive recipients… Page 10 of 12 . As an artist. Therefore.S I L H O U E T T E Rituparno Ghosh: Yes. You’ve never participated in any of these in the past. the woman who is liberated is actually all the more subjugated by patriarchy. I have arrived at a realization that such a festival is a part of a political activism which celebrates and reclaims non-normative sexual identities. she explains her standpoint in that long letter she writes to Ashalata in the end… Kaustav Bakshi: I would now shift to an issue which is apparently unrelated to your work. Chitrangada was the closing film of ‘Dialogues’… Rituparno Ghosh: Earlier. I have been participating in this movement in my own way. I know. Kaustav Bakshi: So. it is necessary. Nothing has really changed. You can say my decision to enact queer characters on screen is an expression of my activism. however. having a separate film festival for women filmmakers…as if women are inferior artistes! But of late. Kaustav Bakshi: The same political subtext works in case of widow remarriage as well. This is what I wanted to bring out in juxtaposing the tales of a nineteenth century female actor and an actor of our contemporary times. I was aware that I would end up alienating a section of my audience which had never associated my sexual preference with my work. I have always felt patriarchal condescension became manifest in such labelling! For instance. Apart from several social events. Even then. can neither handle me nor Page 11 of 12 . That would have been dishonest. I could not be mendacious about my sexuality. I think Chokher Bali fantastically debunks this in the end. Kaustav Bakshi: Do you think you have indeed estranged a section of your audience? Rituparno Ghosh: Yes…But. The irony inherent in a man’s attempt to educate a woman is to make her serve him better. a Pride March and a Film Festival are organized every year. this year. my city. The LGBT movement in Kolkata has gained significant momentum during the past two decades. I used to believe that branding a film festival as LGBT was unnecessary! In fact. it is not a projection of victimhood. when Binodini walks out on Bihari… Rituparno Ghosh: Exactly! And. my perception about a separate festival on queer films has changed. Apparently. do you see yourself as entering into LGBT activism? Rituparno Ghosh: No. but something on many would like to hear you talk. A widowed woman is apparently ‘masterless’ and therefore needs to be put under the control of the patriarch. An artist need not be an activist. and art doesn’t really need to be political all the time. but a poignant protest against hetero-patriarchy. “intersex”. It is in fact impossible. it is not desirable to identify with a single category. It’s a continuous process.S I L H O U E T T E ignore me… (smiles) Jokes apart. Therefore.I believe in transcending that boundary… the body is in a state of transition…perennially…so. I am aware of the loss. “transvestite”. yet a penchant to identify with a particular category is quite high. each of these categories is rather permeable. identity. Not even the different terms you mentioned. In any case. Everything is in a state of making…eternally…nothing is ever complete…the same is true of the body and therefore. our identities are subject to the body which again is a boundary…. “bisexual”. If I ask you to identify yourself according to the terms that have become current in the discourse of sexual identity politics. There are several sexual identities which none of these terms can possibly contain or define. “transgender”. etc. The categories such as “gay”. Kaustav Bakshi: Sexual identity politics has gained extraordinary momentum in the past two decades or so. Page 12 of 12 . how would you identify yourself? Rituparno Ghosh: Our understanding of sexuality is sadly limited by the binary heterosexuality/homosexuality. “lesbian”. have entered everyday parlance. However. A lot of them are wary of my cross-dressing in public! In fact. “transsexual”. I have indeed estranged a section of my audience. is my identity. the respect I used to command has been seriously affected by my decision to proclaim my sexuality.